They Always Come Back..

[positivemale]

She dumped me really coldly and angrily, via text. The shock of that meant I immediately went no contact which kinda turned the tables, making me the dumper in essence, and she spent 5 months texting me, all of which I ignored.

 

6 1/2 years (broke up last July)

 

Completely incompatible sex drives, the only validation she understood was sexual validation, which is a different language to my ideas of validation (which are more existential, emotional, and spiritual).

 

How old are you both?

[elaine567]

Why would you wait to see if someone still wanted you if you didn't want them. It has nothing to do with being young. It has to do with you running from the truth. I still don't believe you (I mean this in the nicest way possible).

 

Running from what truth?

[elaine567]

I guarantee you if he was more of an "Alpha" male and didn't cry, you would have reconciled. Women don't like seeing neediness. If he approached you differently, you would have too. Essentially, breakups and breadcrumbs are all a deck of cards. If you know how to deal with them correctly, you can flip any table.

That was the most shocking thing about it, he WAS an "Alpha" male.

[Haydn]

Mate, you are all over the place.

[positivemale]

Running from what truth?

 

You missed your ex.

[The_Dork_Lard]

How old are you both?

 

Me 37, she 40.

[elaine567]

You missed your ex.

What part of "no" don't you get?

It doesn't fit into YOUR theory so I must be wrong... smh

[Haydn]

You missed your ex.

 

She dumped him.

[guest569]

I dunno, this doesn't sound right to me.

 

They don't always come back, and it's a thought that you have to let go of anyway. Because you can't depend on exes to boost your self esteem 6 years down the track. I would really hope to have healed enough not to even give it much thought if they came back.

[bluefeather]

I think there's some truth in what you're saying, but it does not seem to be digesting well for some members here, maybe because of the absolute way you put it?

 

Cool story. And I might be interested to hear more, either on your current situations or on how you were able to get over your 5 year relationship. I have experienced the same too, in regards to them coming back once I have stopped wanting them. I will find some disagreement with you on a few points, but IMO, it's nothing worth debating over, since you are fine with where you are, as am I with where I am.

 

I will only add that I see breadcrumbs as two things:

 

1. a sign of weakness in character by the inability to completely express an idea - "I want to try again" is, instead, worded as, "how's the weather?"

 

2. a method of getting attention, which, once received, allows the breadcrumb giver to go distant again, having felt an ample amount of connection.

 

This is my response to:

 

I don't understand why people think breadcrumbs are a bad thing.

 

Maybe there are acceptable ways of giving breadcrumbs. Maybe there are acceptable people who leave them. This is only a portion of my views from my own experience. Congrats on being in a good position in life now, and thank you for coming back here to let us know.

[Emaize3]

My most recent ex from January will never come back. Pretty sure of that, even though I was a great gf. He's just over it and we're too different. HOWEVER, my ex before him (we were together for 5 years) and I are pursuing a future together now. So, some come back.. Some don't. I'm proof of both cases.

[Jabron1]

Mate, you are all over the place.

 

I don't agree with everything he's saying, but there are elements of truth and wisdom here.

 

The parts that are wrong are funny anyway.

 

This is a good read.

 

positivemale, I quite like your attitude. Keep doing your thing.

 

That was the most shocking thing about it, he WAS an "Alpha" male.

 

I think his point was that the guy was no longer alpha when you dumped him, or during the time when you reached out.

 

Edit: I also suppose I should mention that they don't always come back. I've been dumped out of one serious, long term relationship in my life. And I never heard from her again - that was about 8 or so years ago.

 

I saw her on Tinder last year, and I swiped right. We never matched, so she must have been like 'hellll no' lol.

 

And, before you start, I can assure you that I'm not some crying beta

 

A woman's never made me cry actually, and I've been out with a bdp woman... you must have really tortured that poor guy, Elaine

Edited May 16, 2016 by Jabron1

[Ezag]

I'm no expert in this stuff, but here's my experience:

 

First girlfriend didn't come back, I made the mistake to contact her again. Now were a "friends". More or less. Just talking on a messenger from time to time. BUT she wanted me to visit her a couple of times and she said she will knock on my door in 5 years again, if she hasn't found anyone by then. Like wtf.

 

The second one didn't come back so far either. She has a new bf anyways, so no need for that. But a couple of month ago she accidentally called me in WhatsApp. But I didn't reply to that, because I thought it was by accident. And she won't make a move anyway, because she is shy and thinks I hate her. Good for me then.

 

So for me, they didn't come back. But I've seen that stuff happen a lot with family or friends. Most recently a friend of mine got back together with his ex after half a year. I think when the relationship ended on good terms, then the chance of them coming back for a second time is high. If it ended badly, then the dumper most likely contacts you again but only to see if you still hate/love them. Just to get some ego boost.

[elaine567]

 

A woman's never made me cry actually, and I've been out with a bdp woman... you must have really tortured that poor guy, Elaine

No torture involved, I just decided it wasn't working, it would never work and left. He had a history of breaking up and making up with his last long term gf, so I think it just hit him hard when he realised I was done and there was no hope of going back.

I have always been of the opinion "never go back", if it didn't work out first time around it is not going to work out second time around, or third time or fourth time....

I know there are exceptions but they are few and far between IME.

[positivemale]

I dunno, this doesn't sound right to me.

 

They don't always come back, and it's a thought that you have to let go of anyway. Because you can't depend on exes to boost your self esteem 6 years down the track. I would really hope to have healed enough not to even give it much thought if they came back.

 

I'm not saying one should hope for an ex to come back. I was trying to say that if they do (which you have a very high chance that they do if it was GIGS), that you're not even going to care anymore! So don't waste your life on loveshack looking for some hope because it's not going to get you anywhere.

[positivemale]

I don't agree with everything he's saying, but there are elements of truth and wisdom here.

 

The parts that are wrong are funny anyway.

 

This is a good read.

 

positivemale, I quite like your attitude. Keep doing your thing.

 

 

 

I think his point was that the guy was no longer alpha when you dumped him, or during the time when you reached out.

 

Edit: I also suppose I should mention that they don't always come back. I've been dumped out of one serious, long term relationship in my life. And I never heard from her again - that was about 8 or so years ago.

 

I saw her on Tinder last year, and I swiped right. We never matched, so she must have been like 'hellll no' lol.

 

And, before you start, I can assure you that I'm not some crying beta

 

A woman's never made me cry actually, and I've been out with a bdp woman... you must have really tortured that poor guy, Elaine

 

If people read my words carefully, they can see a lot of truth in what I'm saying. Anyways, I can only speak on my experience, and every single female who rejected me came back. Even my GIGS ex regretted cheating on me and she realized what she lost (which gives me great solace that karma came around).

[positivemale]

I'm no expert in this stuff, but here's my experience:

 

First girlfriend didn't come back, I made the mistake to contact her again. Now were a "friends". More or less. Just talking on a messenger from time to time. BUT she wanted me to visit her a couple of times and she said she will knock on my door in 5 years again, if she hasn't found anyone by then. Like wtf.

 

The second one didn't come back so far either. She has a new bf anyways, so no need for that. But a couple of month ago she accidentally called me in WhatsApp. But I didn't reply to that, because I thought it was by accident. And she won't make a move anyway, because she is shy and thinks I hate her. Good for me then.

 

So for me, they didn't come back. But I've seen that stuff happen a lot with family or friends. Most recently a friend of mine got back together with his ex after half a year. I think when the relationship ended on good terms, then the chance of them coming back for a second time is high. If it ended badly, then the dumper most likely contacts you again but only to see if you still hate/love them. Just to get some ego boost.

 

It doesn't matter if a relationship ended badly or not. I've seen many people get back together after a bad breakup. After enough time passes, no one's going to care about the breakup if both people genuinely love each other as people and there's still chemistry there.

 

Breakups and makeups are all a game. Woman are a game. If you ever see your ex in person and bump into them by accident, just act positive but don't give them too much attention. That will open the window that you're over the hurt from the "bad breakup" and you put it behind.

 

Like i've said over and over again, someone does not blatantly have to say "Let's get back together" to show you that they want to.

Edited May 16, 2016 by positivemale

[positivemale]

I think there's some truth in what you're saying, but it does not seem to be digesting well for some members here, maybe because of the absolute way you put it?

 

Cool story. And I might be interested to hear more, either on your current situations or on how you were able to get over your 5 year relationship. I have experienced the same too, in regards to them coming back once I have stopped wanting them. I will find some disagreement with you on a few points, but IMO, it's nothing worth debating over, since you are fine with where you are, as am I with where I am.

 

I will only add that I see breadcrumbs as two things:

 

1. a sign of weakness in character by the inability to completely express an idea - "I want to try again" is, instead, worded as, "how's the weather?"

 

2. a method of getting attention, which, once received, allows the breadcrumb giver to go distant again, having felt an ample amount of connection.

 

This is my response to:

 

 

 

Maybe there are acceptable ways of giving breadcrumbs. Maybe there are acceptable people who leave them. This is only a portion of my views from my own experience. Congrats on being in a good position in life now, and thank you for coming back here to let us know.

 

 

Honestly, there are about 6 accounts on loveshack that I found that made me move on so quickly. They all gave me crazy perspective and it was insane how breakups have a similar pattern. I can't post the accounts here because it violates the loveshack terms -_- but honestly, the best piece of advice that made me move on almost instantly was when my friend texted me "Don't feel sad over someone who didn't feel lucky to have you".

 

That quote changed everything.

 

Also, I have an absolute zero tolerance for cheating. It is unacceptable. I hate how our society and media has made it slowly more acceptable to cheat. It's almost assumed that you're going to get cheated on these days. Girls have become very sneaky. They're like monkeys. They don't let go of one branch until they have a good grasp on another one. They have emotional affairs and attachments to another guy before they leave you, which is a form of cheating (emotional cheating is far worse than physical in my books). Females these days are obsessed with that "honeymoon" stage and think that when butterflies go away, that the love is gone. That's completely false. They just don't realize that the love is just changing (not in a bad way, it's just different). But sometimes you have to let people learn the hard way. They learn this lesson when they have multiple ex boyfriends and have multiple ex husbands, and then they eventually question themselves and see that they are the problem.

 

I'm only going to be with someone who can't see themselves without me, which is probably why I'm not giving any of these girls who came back into my life a chance. They could see themselves without me before, so why would I give them the opportunity now.

 

If anyone is reading this and you got cheated on, then know that karma is real. Karma always comes around, and if you're lucky, God will let you watch

Edited May 16, 2016 by positivemale

[ExpatInItaly]

When you're older, you'll see that break-ups are not games. Neither are women. At least, they shouldn't be treated as such. It sounds like you're used to dealing with younger women who aren't very mature yet. How many break-ups have you had thus far? How long were the relationships and what were the ages of you and the girls when you were together?

 

But I agree that cheaters don't deserve a second chance. Men have become sneaky too, not only women - and I speak from first-hand experience. Cheaters of both genders will go to great lengths to hide their behavior. Keep your head up and you will find a special woman (not girl) soon. Good on you for not accepting breadcrumbs.

 

As for GIGS, it's a completely fabricated and overused term, in my opinion. It's not some syndrome a person can "catch" and thus be cured of. I think dumpees came up with it to lessen the sting of the painful truth that their partner had lost interest in the relationship and was no longer in love. And yes, I've been betrayed too. Do I think my ex "had GIGS"? No, I just think we grew apart and weren't suited anymore. I could also have been accused of having "GIGS" when I was younger and left my then-boyfriend of 5 years. He probably saw it that way, but in all honesty I was just not into him anymore. That was 12 years ago, and I have never gone back, nor have I ever wanted to. Sometimes people do just move on.

Edited May 16, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[positivemale]

When you're older, you'll see that break-ups are not games. Neither are women. At least, they shouldn't be treated as such It sounds like you're used to dealing with younger women who aren't very mature yet. How many break-ups have you had thus far? How long were the relationships and what were the ages of you and the girls when you were together?

 

But I agree that cheaters don't deserve a second chance. Men have become sneaky too, not only women - and I speak from first-hand experience. Cheaters of both genders will go to great lengths to hide their behavior. Keep your head up and you will find a special woman (not girl) soon.

 

As for GIGS, it's a completely fabricated and overused term, in my opinion. It's not some syndrome a person can "catch" and thus be cured of. I think dumpees came up with it to lessen the sting of the painful truth that their partner had lost interest in the relationship and was no longer in love. And yes, I've been betrayed too. Do I think my ex "had GIGS"? No, I just think we grew apart and weren't suited anymore. I could also have been accused of having "GIGS" when I was younger and left my then-boyfriend of 5 years. He probably saw it that way, but in all honesty I was just not into him anymore. That was 12 years ago, and I have never gone back, nor have I ever wanted to. Sometimes people do just move on.

 

I believe in GIGS. Some people do, some people don't. The problem is most people like to categorize their breakups under GIGS to make themselves feel better. GIGS has certain patterns, if they do not have these patterns, then it is NOT GIGS

 

1. They cheat on you/leave you for someone else / have someone waiting for them on the sidelines.

2. They are 20 - 25 years old in a long term relationship more than 2 years.

3. They start partying a lot / never had the college experience.

4. They made new "friends" (not quality, just a bunch of party people).

5. They magically out of no where start to feel "unhappy" in the relationship.

6. A personality change/extremely selfish/standoffish/attention lover, they start resenting you out of no where.

 

IF YOUR EX DOES NOT COMPILE ALL 6 OF THESE QUALITIES, THEN IT IS NOT A GIGS BREAKUP, and probably have no chance in getting back togetherI have done countless days of research on these forums because it absolutely fascinated me regarding what my ex went through that I needed some answers. I noticed (and her real friends) that she was not herself, and some posts gave me all the answers I needed. I found 6 posters (took a while to find some) that went DEEP into their feelings regarding having gigs and in return, their ex's having gigs. The way they described themselves and their exes were literally identical to my ex. I was beyond shocked. How ironic that they ALL said the exact same things. One of them broke up with their ex for 4 years because of gigs, and ended up marrying him (she came back to post years later - very rare of a loveshacker to remember). I wish I can post them here, but it goes against the terms.

Edited May 16, 2016 by positivemale

[Jatli]

My ex and I broke up in April 2014. He left me for another woman after 4 years of living together. I was devastated because I never saw it coming. We never argued, we always laughed, sex was great and we just enjoyed each other's company. Then one day I noticed he was different, more into himself and quiet. About a month later he asked me if I was happy and then I knew. 2 weeks later we broke up. It was like a hole was punched through my stomach and my heart.

 

I told him he was crazy for letting us go when even his kids said they had never seen him happier. But away he went. I moved out.

 

At first it was so very hard not to contact him because I needed to just hear his voice. Thus went on for about 4 months. Then I just finally let it go and we didn't talk for 5 months. Then I ran into him (well actually he pulled over when I was out walking) and we talked for about an hour.

 

Then I didn't hear nothing for about 2 months and then he texted me about something stupid and I just said whatever do what you want. After that he started texting me every week then every other day. Then started showing up where I was, then asking me out for coffee.

 

Eventually about 15 months after we broke up we started hanging out and he was inviting me over to his place for a drink and we would just talk for hours. A couple times I lost it on him telling him what an ass he was but mostly we just fell into us.

 

That was in August of 2015. Right now we are back to seeing each other. I will not move back in with him and we are just "dating" right now. We just fit with each other and I always knew we did.

 

Has it been hard? It was at first but honestly I don't really think about it anymore. I forgave him a long time ago and I won't hold it over his head. My friends all day he better realize how lucky he is to have a woman like me and I think he does.

 

So right now things are good.

[positivemale]

My ex and I broke up in April 2014. He left me for another woman after 4 years of living together. I was devastated because I never saw it coming. We never argued, we always laughed, sex was great and we just enjoyed each other's company. Then one day I noticed he was different, more into himself and quiet. About a month later he asked me if I was happy and then I knew. 2 weeks later we broke up. It was like a hole was punched through my stomach and my heart.

 

I told him he was crazy for letting us go when even his kids said they had never seen him happier. But away he went. I moved out.

 

At first it was so very hard not to contact him because I needed to just hear his voice. Thus went on for about 4 months. Then I just finally let it go and we didn't talk for 5 months. Then I ran into him (well actually he pulled over when I was out walking) and we talked for about an hour.

 

Then I didn't hear nothing for about 2 months and then he texted me about something stupid and I just said whatever do what you want. After that he started texting me every week then every other day. Then started showing up where I was, then asking me out for coffee.

 

Eventually about 15 months after we broke up we started hanging out and he was inviting me over to his place for a drink and we would just talk for hours. A couple times I lost it on him telling him what an ass he was but mostly we just fell into us.

 

That was in August of 2015. Right now we are back to seeing each other. I will not move back in with him and we are just "dating" right now. We just fit with each other and I always knew we did.

 

Has it been hard? It was at first but honestly I don't really think about it anymore. I forgave him a long time ago and I won't hold it over his head. My friends all day he better realize how lucky he is to have a woman like me and I think he does.

 

So right now things are good.

 

That's very strong of you to take back a cheater. I personally wouldn't after all the emotional abuse he put you through. But everyone is different.

 

One important thing we should note from your response is your reconciliation was successful because you were over the hurt he put you through and you don't hold it against him. Most people can't get passed the hurt, which is why reconciliations aren't typically successful or last.

 

Also, I think it's important to note that just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean they deserve a place in your life. But different strokes for different folks.

[positivemale]

She dumped him.

 

So what. I've seen countless girls say "I dumped him, but now I miss him but he hates me"

[bluefeather]

I like what you're saying, but watch for generalizations like this:

 

Females these days are obsessed with that "honeymoon" stage and think that when butterflies go away, that the love is gone.

 

I think this is a problem that happens often with both sexes.

 

If you cannot link to certain members, it might be possible to point to helpful discussion topics. For example, I found this one very helpful: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

[Captivating]

[]

Do people come back? Yes. Is reconciliation typically successful? No.

 

So for the people saying that they don't ever come back. You're wrong.

 

I actually agree with you In my experience, several of my exes wanted to come back. These relationships were 3-4 years long, so we got to know each other well, the pink clouds of the honeymoon phase was well over.

That's when the breakups occurred, maybe because of the lack of excitement ? Who knows ? Sometimes a new, exciting person came along and the temptation was hard to resist.

 

I think if I make a positive lasting impression of how I cared for them, loved them and what kind of person you really are (hopefully great)....by "setting the bar high".... there is a potential that all these traits will be missed by your ex especially if their new partner is "not up to par" ....

NOT necessarily but possibly.

 

One of my ex broke up with me after 4 years for someone else, he wanted to come back after 7 and 13 !! years......I was not interested, I was already married to someone else.

After the passionate honemoon phase was over, they have seen each other more clearly, some inhibited traits got revealed and they started to not liking each other.

I wonder if he had wanted to come back if their relationship wouldn't have crumbled.

I appreciated his honesty.... and it did boost my ego a bit that instead of looking for someone new, he was thinking that our time together wasn't a waste of time, it was actually meaningful and nice.

 

So I agree, there is a definite possibility that exes reappear in your life, but by that time (because all that hurt they caused ) not an inch of you want them back.

Sometimes breakups occur over something silly, or bad timing ( being too young/immature).

In a couple of years later you end up regretting your decision of breaking up with someone not knowing how precious that person was until you lose them. Taking them for granted at times ....then it's too late.

Every case is different though because all relationships are different.