Emotional Affair

[PinkSunset]

He is still living on his own. He said he wants to be with me but I don't know in what circumstance. I haven't replied back. He did try to call yesterday but I didn't answer him. I am so confused on what to do. I don't know if I should ignore him, or find out what's been going on.

 

It does sound fishy that now she is willing to just move on from all of this. She was terrible to me, some of the things she said after it happened. I thought maybe he told her he wouldn't see me again? I want to know what he has told her and how this came about.

[BuddyX]

How is this even debatable. Don't pick up. Who gives a rip what he told his woman. Odds are its all lies

[Maggie888]

When he says vague things like "dont give up on us" and "i think about you every momemt" and doesnt say things like " I told my wife we want to be together and i want to see you openly as my girlfriend" then you can assume he is wantimg to just see you as in the past -- secretly.

[Lobe]

When he shows up on your doorstep with a finalized divorce, your own key to his apartment/house, updates his Facebook profile with a selfie of the two of you and posts a status "in a relationship" then you should consider what to do next. Right now, he's still being evasive and it just sounds more like he's taking you deeper underground. Talk to him? Sure - knock yourself out. Tell him that if you are going to be a part of his son's and his life you think you deserve a family meeting with his wife... even if you never get the meeting, that should give you a really clear indication of how serious he is about involving you in his life.

[PinkSunset]

So, according to MM - the last few weeks have been stressful due to the fact that she hadn't been letting him see his son and wouldn't speak to him at all. She told her lawyer he is abusive and an alcoholic. She said he needs parenting classes before she will allow him to take their son on a regular basis. She also told the lawyer that him and I have been having an affair for months.

He told his lawyer it's all lies.

 

He said just over the last few days he has managed to talk to her like adults and this is when she agreed to split amicably for the sake of their son. Apparently all he did was ask for his dad the last few weeks and she realized that persecuting Jamie wasn't worth it. Her parents have called Jamie and told him he needs to work on the marriage and his family. Jamie told them he didn't love her anymore and they weren't happy for years.

 

He told me she agreed to a divorce.

 

I asked if he told her he loves me, he said no, not yet. He doesn't want to put more gas onto the fire. I asked if he told her he will no longer see me, and he said he didn't say anything like that. He said that I was the one who told his wife I was no longer going to be involved with him... Which is true. I did say that.

 

I told him I think it's the wrong time for me to get involved with him again and he said he will do whatever it takes.

 

What do I ask of him at this point? Without making us look bad?

[Lobe]

You're not ever going to not look bad. Period. But you could look less bad by trying to show some empathy for that little boy who is already collateral damage in this situation.

 

Your call, but I vote you hold off until the divorce is finalized and the dust has settled and then demand full disclosure to his wife. Right now even Jamie recognizes that anything you do is just going to come off as disrespectful and hurtful. If he's not ready to do that yet, then you're signing up to be his dirty little secret. Still. Again. And it will set off another explosion further damaging that poor kid. Your best bet to not "look bad" is to just away until he's got his divorce, for everyone's sake.

 

Good luck.

[PinkSunset]

You're not ever going to not look bad. Period. But you could look less bad by trying to show some empathy for that little boy who is already collateral damage in this situation.

 

Your call, but I vote you hold off until the divorce is finalized and the dust has settled and then demand full disclosure to his wife. Right now even Jamie recognizes that anything you do is just going to come off as disrespectful and hurtful. If he's not ready to do that yet, then you're signing up to be his dirty little secret. Still. Again. And it will set off another explosion further damaging that poor kid. Your best bet to not "look bad" is to just away until he's got his divorce, for everyone's sake.

 

Good luck.

 

I agree. I think we both know it's not the right time but he is probably lonely and wanting me. Neither of us want to hurt anyone any longer... The only way this could continue at this point would be in secret and that's something I don't want to do... That's what made me blow this whole thing up to begin with. If I hadn't gotten so fed up we would still be in an EA/PA with him going home to her every night. Such a mess.

[Lobe]

I agree. I think we both know it's not the right time but he is probably lonely and wanting me. Neither of us want to hurt anyone any longer... The only way this could continue at this point would be in secret and that's something I don't want to do... That's what made me blow this whole thing up to begin with. If I hadn't gotten so fed up we would still be in an EA/PA with him going home to her every night. Such a mess.

 

I am actually giddy with pride that you said this!!! If you're meant to be, you can pick up when the storm blows over. Sweet reunion. No more secrets. No more lies and hiding. And no more kid caught in the crossfire. If you can hold off until the storm passes you guys might stand a snowball's chance in hell. Just don't lose sight of the "mess" and get ahead of yourself.

Edited July 20, 2016 by Lobe
Typo

[S2B]

So, according to MM - the last few weeks have been stressful due to the fact that she hadn't been letting him see his son and wouldn't speak to him at all. She told her lawyer he is abusive and an alcoholic. She said he needs parenting classes before she will allow him to take their son on a regular basis. She also told the lawyer that him and I have been having an affair for months.

He told his lawyer it's all lies.

 

He said just over the last few days he has managed to talk to her like adults and this is when she agreed to split amicably for the sake of their son. Apparently all he did was ask for his dad the last few weeks and she realized that persecuting Jamie wasn't worth it. Her parents have called Jamie and told him he needs to work on the marriage and his family. Jamie told them he didn't love her anymore and they weren't happy for years.

 

He told me she agreed to a divorce.

 

I asked if he told her he loves me, he said no, not yet. He doesn't want to put more gas onto the fire. I asked if he told her he will no longer see me, and he said he didn't say anything like that. He said that I was the one who told his wife I was no longer going to be involved with him... Which is true. I did say that.

 

I told him I think it's the wrong time for me to get involved with him again and he said he will do whatever it takes.

 

What do I ask of him at this point? Without making us look bad?

 

You ask him to START being an honest man.

 

He's STILL a liar. He's manipulating the truth and spinning it to suit HIS needs!

 

Look bad? You TWO already look bad. In order to not look worse- IF he intends to divorce then he should get that finalized before seeing you again.

 

He should also not drink and learn to be a great parent.

 

I'm inclined to think you don't really know him like you think you do.

 

 

Wait it out. Wait until he's available. Proper order is key and you've already made a mess by not doing proper order.

 

He's still lying to her and that's not a good sign.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I am reminded by this situation of that adage, 'be careful what you wish for. You might just get it'...

 

Just be kind to that wee boy of theirs. He needs both his parents, whatever happens, and all adults in his life to make his needs paramount...

[PinkSunset]

You ask him to START being an honest man.

 

He's STILL a liar. He's manipulating the truth and spinning it to suit HIS needs!

 

Look bad? You TWO already look bad. In order to not look worse- IF he intends to divorce then he should get that finalized before seeing you again.

 

He should also not drink and learn to be a great parent.

 

I'm inclined to think you don't really know him like you think you do.

 

 

Wait it out. Wait until he's available. Proper order is key and you've already made a mess by not doing proper order.

 

He's still lying to her and that's not a good sign.

 

I suppose not telling to her is the same as lying, although he really has no obligation to tell her what goes on in his life anymore does he? They aren't together.

 

At this point we are staying apart because we don't want to hurt her or their son any further. We love each other and want to be together, no doubt about that. I just won't do it in secret and he understands that.

[PinkSunset]

On another note - My period is late. I noticed today I haven't had it since mid June. That would put me about 1 week late. I am usually on time, I am on the pill. I am thinking it is stress related, or perhaps something to do with the anti-depressant I started taking. I am going to take an at home test tonight just to check but I do have a Dr appt on Monday anyway to see my progress with the anti-depressant.

 

I did have a pregnancy scare when I was with Kevin as well, so it does happen due to stress.

 

Also, I should probably mention I had sex a few times in Mexico with the guy I met from the UK so if I am pregnant it could be Jamie's or his.

 

Things don't seem to be getting any better for me.

[S2B]

I suppose not telling to her is the same as lying, although he really has no obligation to tell her what goes on in his life anymore does he? They aren't together.

 

At this point we are staying apart because we don't want to hurt her or their son any further. We love each other and want to be together, no doubt about that. I just won't do it in secret and he understands that.

 

Pink - are you really going to make excuses for him? He was having an affair with you and planning to leave his wife... And he didn't tell her!!! Lying by omission is still lying and you know that!

 

Come on - why are you justifying his piss poor behavior now?

 

He DID have that obligation to tell her and he didn't! He cheated and lied instead. You know it, we know it and she knows it now. He lies. Stop making it ok - what he did was unacceptable given he took vows with HER.

 

Be careful... One day when he omits his truth to you - you need to recognize it for what it is = a liar.

 

I hope you see him and who he REALLY is. He's not who you think he is.

[Lobe]

Lying by omission is still lying but if Pink says she refuses to start up with him until she's no longer a secret then he's got all the time in the world to get a divorce and set things straight.

 

Pink, girl - you better hope that's just a scare... Does Jamie know about you dalliance with the U.K. chappie? If you are pregnant you realize you will need a DNA test... I got my fingers crossed its a false alarm. Good. Grief.

[ChickiePops]

I agree. I think we both know it's not the right time but he is probably lonely and wanting me. Neither of us want to hurt anyone any longer... The only way this could continue at this point would be in secret and that's something I don't want to do... That's what made me blow this whole thing up to begin with. If I hadn't gotten so fed up we would still be in an EA/PA with him going home to her every night. Such a mess.

 

PINK!!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!! I'm SO proud of you for this!!!

[Maggie888]

Acording to MM - the last few weeks have been stressful due to the fact that she hadn't been letting him see his son and wouldn't speak to him at all. She told her lawyer he is abusive and an alcoholic. She said he needs parenting classes before she will allow him to take their son on a regular basis. She also told the lawyer that him and I have been having an affair for months.

He told his lawyer it's all lies.

 

He said just over the last few days he has managed to talk to her like adults and this is when she agreed to split amicably for the sake of their son. Apparently all he did was ask for his dad the last few weeks and she realized that persecuting Jamie wasn't worth it. Her parents have called Jamie and told him he needs to work on the marriage and his family. Jamie told them he didn't love her anymore and they weren't happy for years.

 

He told me she agreed to a divorce.

 

Blah blah blah . . victim victim..blah

 

I asked if he told her he loves me, he said no, not yet.

 

This^^^ of course he hasmt. The rest is all frankly just bullsgi*t. Now he is lying to his lawyers. So thats his wife he lies to. His lawyers. And of course you .

 

Le sigh

[S2B]

What if it turns out he is abusive and an alcoholic? What if he's kept that from you by omission?

 

And what does he plan to do to be capable of caring for his son 24/7 when he does have visitation?

 

You know that he can petition the court to have an order for visitation, right? Why hasn't HE taken the initiative to do that too? Must he rely on you to push for every little suggestion for change?

[ShatteredLady]

Why is he still denying that you have been having an affair? Why not allow her some sanity now?

 

It's incredibly cruel to gaslight. It's a form of abuse!

 

Does he drink when you have seen him? Is there any reason to believe that he might have an alcohol problem?

 

Ask these questions & really think about it.

 

Good luck with the pregnancy test. I hope that it is a false alarm for everyone's sake.

[Maggie888]

I wamt to reiterate again the importance of him lying to his lawyer. Your lawyer is an advocate. Communications are privileged. Why is he lying to him??? Any fool knows you need to have your lawyer prepared for what is going to be thrown at you. Lying to your lawye IN A DIVORCE/CUSTODY PROCEEDING is just....beyond. I really just can't even.

 

The rest is just the same ol bullsgit song and dance about him beimg a victim of her meanwhile he is habitually lying, deceveing and betraying her.

 

Again...i just cant Pink. Go NC with this fool and start the heeling. You guys are in "lurve". You dont know him. You think you do, but you only know what he chose to depict to you. Impression management. Its just gonna take time. Put on your big girl panties and carve a better life fore yourself.

[S2B]

Do you know just how frustrating it is when someone you think you're close to keeps things from you? It makes any person spend a LOT of time and energy CHASING truth! It's cruel and unnecessary.

 

He should be capable of telling her ALl of it NOW - yet he hasn't!

 

And you seem to still be a secret...when he could be completely honest at this point...but he's not!

 

Be careful - he could be in the habit of ONLY telling what's convenient FOR HIM.

 

It's a habit that isn't easily changed.

 

Next up you'll end up feeling duped if he doesn't learn to offer honesty so he doesn't steal YOUR peace of mind like he stole hers. And yes, that's abusive.

[sophinla]

You are now also lying to him, you slept with someone else, may even be carrying another man's baby, but you are not telling him.

 

I just don't see how a relationship where both parties are being so dishonest to each other and other people, can ever work out.

[S2B]

You are now also lying to him, you slept with someone else, may even be carrying another man's baby, but you are not telling him.

 

I just don't see how a relationship where both parties are being so dishonest to each other and other people, can ever work out.

 

Wait - you slept with someone else recently? Who was it? ...obviously I missed that part.

[Maggie888]

UK man she met on vacation.

[Maggie888]

He told me she agreed to a divorce.

 

What does this even mean? You don't need your spouse's agreement to get a divorce.

 

I asked if he told her he loves me, he said no, not yet. He doesn't want to put more gas onto the fire. I asked if he told her he will no longer see me, and he said he didn't say anything like that. He said that I was the one who told his wife I was no longer going to be involved with him... Which is true. I did say that.

 

So why dont you stick by your word and what you said?

 

I told him I think it's the wrong time for me to get involved with him again and he said he will do whatever it takes.

 

Yes. Whatever it takes....except for putting you out in the open ie telling his wife about you for real, or even his own lawyers about you. Pink do u not see how time and again his actions never live up to his words?

 

What is he going to do when her lawyer gives his lawyer proof of the affair? Does he not care about ruining his case and looking like a fool?

 

What do I ask of him at this point? Without making us look bad.

 

What do u mean without making you look bad? You already look bad. You were caught red handed by his wife and child n his shirt at his bachelor pad after a marathon sex weekend.

 

At any rate, as said before, what you ask of him is to legitimize your relationship by being fully out on the open and comfess his feelings about you to his wife and lawyer and family....or to go and stay NC until he can do that.

 

Otherwise you are still OW

[PinkSunset]

His lawyer knows about our sex romp the weekend his wife found out but he isn't aware it's been going on as an EA for months. I am also friends with the lawyer so to be honest I think he already knows/knew.

 

Jamie does drink socially, I have never seen him drunk except for twice in all the time I've known him. We may have a glass of wine or two but he is not an alcoholic.

As you have all pointed out I can't know for sure if he is abusive but from what I know and have seen he isn't. I think she was just hurt when she said all of those things to her lawyers.

Agreeing to divorce I think means she isn't going to fight him about every little thing? That's an assumption on my part.

 

His wife will find out one way or another if we do end up together. If he wants to be made out as a liar that is on him. If she asks me anything I won't lie to her. I want to be out in the open and call him mine. This isn't possible right now so I have to move forward.

 

Jamie does not know about me and the guy from UK. It would crush him I am sure. We are not together, I don't see why he should know I slept with someone while on vacation. I was hurting at the time and I met this guy and we hung out and drank and did some things we probably shouldn't have but I can't change it now. We had a lot of fun together and enjoyed each other and he seems like an all around good guy. I have been texting him a lot since I got back and he wants to visit me. I just hope to god I am not pregnant.

 

I really can't believe I'd be in a situation where I wouldn't know for sure who my child's father is. This is not how I envisioned my life at all. I thought I'd be married with kids at 34 years old. Not single, in some affair and not know who the child's father is. I'm a train wreck!!