Author PinkSunset Posted March 23, 2017 Author Share Posted March 23, 2017 Hey everyone, Just wanted to give a quick update and also needing a bit of advice. My boyfriend and I are doing well for the most part - no pregnancy. I've been watching my ovulation calendar to make sure I don't have an accident. So far so good. Glad I am not pregnant actually. In fact, lately I've been talking to Jamie on and off. He is still single and legally separated. Soon he can file for divorce. He still tells me he loves me and misses me, most of the time I dismiss what he says or change the subject. His wife has a new boyfriend. I'm happy for her that she's moved on... Lately I've been feeling a bit smothered by my boyfriend though. He is in love with me I am sure of it. I am not in love with him, at least not yet. He is a great guy and treats me well. He tells me how he feels all the time and is very sensitive to my needs. However I am having a hard time connecting with him lately. I can't even kiss him half the time anymore. I want to be alone most of the week and I feel bad about feeling this way. Part of me wonders if maybe he was a rebound from Jamie, and I put my feelings onto him instead of dealing with the hurt of my breakup. I feel terrible about this because I knew at the time I should have been taking time alone... But i went forward. I knew at the time it was going too fast for me, but I didn't put on the brakes. It kept my mind off of Jamie. I do deeply care about my boyfriend. I do see myself perhaps marrying him some day... He does some things that really get on my nerves but I think if I brought them up he would rectify them. I can sense a tad of laziness in him that I definitely would not put up with, but he had been a single guy for almost 2 years before we reconnected. I have been backing off a bit lately and I find the more I do, the more he pushes forward. I am a pretty introverted person and like my alone and quiet time. I do not plan on living with him for a long time if I stay with him. I do want to get married and have a child though, and my father is getting older it worries me if I don't do these things soon that he will be gone. Settling for someone just to accomplish those things and then later divorce I think is crazy. I hate the thought of wasting more of my life... But I also hate the thought of hurting my boyfriend because I know how much he likes me. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should break up with him or tell him I need a bit of space to concentrate on myself for a while. Not that I want to keep him on the back burner but I need to figure myself out. I also want to be able to do what I want and if I feel like going for a coffee with Jamie I can, without worrying. My boyfriend despises Jamie. What do I do? I will never be with Jamie again, I know he is not right for me. I just don't think my boyfriend is right for me either. Help Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Since you don't plan to be with Jamie why are you spending ANY time/energy talking to him? That's not fair to the new BF that you've allowed yourself to be distracted with this man you're co dependent with. Don't date anyone. Do weekly intensive therapy to find the root of your issues and work to the healthy side of them. Staying with the new guy is using him while knowing he's into you so that's not fair. Stop with Jamie all together! You will NEVER have a healthy relationship while you continue with that co dependent union. He's a big boy - HE can handle his own problems. Get help - get healthy - then date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkSunset Posted March 23, 2017 Author Share Posted March 23, 2017 Since you don't plan to be with Jamie why are you spending ANY time/energy talking to him? That's not fair to the new BF that you've allowed yourself to be distracted with this man you're co dependent with. Don't date anyone. Do weekly intensive therapy to find the root of your issues and work to the healthy side of them. Staying with the new guy is using him while knowing he's into you so that's not fair. Stop with Jamie all together! You will NEVER have a healthy relationship while you continue with that co dependent union. He's a big boy - HE can handle his own problems. Get help - get healthy - then date. I haven't spent any time with Jamie. I don't see how I am co dependent with him, we don't live together and we are not together. We talk sometimes. Even about women he has been seeing. This isn't about Jamie... I don't necessarily want to break up with my boyfriend yet. He is good for me. I am wondering if these feelings will pass. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I think it's a bad idea to stay with him just because he's a good guy on paper and you don't want to be alone. He gets on your nerves, you don't really want to live with him long-term, you know you rushed into this, and you don't really love him. At the very least, he deserves to know that, doesn't he? It does sound like you need some time to yourself to really refocus on what you want out of life. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I haven't spent any time with Jamie. I don't see how I am co dependent with him, we don't live together and we are not together. We talk sometimes. Even about women he has been seeing. This isn't about Jamie... I don't necessarily want to break up with my boyfriend yet. He is good for me. I am wondering if these feelings will pass. It is about Jamie. Co dependency isn't about living together. It's more about you being dependent on talking to him. Your (so far) unwillingness to completely go NC with him. And then the new guy who is smitten with you but you're not totally into him - because you haven't completely eliminated Jaimie from your mind. That's not fair to the new guy. You're likely to hurt him more if you continue knowing you're not feeling it for him. Are you open to getting professional help to sort through all of your history so you can start a healthy relationship in the future? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkSunset Posted April 12, 2017 Author Share Posted April 12, 2017 Well I guess none of it matters much now anyway. I am 8 weeks pregnant with new guys child. Part of me thinks he did it on purpose. But I am equally responsible for not using anything. He told me he loves me after I asked for space and time to think. A week later I find out I'm pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkSunset Posted April 12, 2017 Author Share Posted April 12, 2017 It's funny because in my post I said I was glad I wasn't pregnant and I already was. I was glad. I was going to take some time to myself. I was stupid. Part of me is happy. Part of me isn't. He wants to be with me and marry me. I don't even know what I want. I don't want to do this alone.... Ugh. My life is such a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 I really don't understand how a grown woman doesn't know to use protection, even when an entire internet board is telling you too. Sorry that's not very helpful, but jeez. It's not his fault for "doing it on purpose" - it's what happens when you have UNPROTECTED SEX! You have options. I'd explore them. I also wouldn't marry a brand new boyfriend who you feel so-so about, just because he knocked you up. Please use birth control in the future. Frankly if you can't be responsible for that, you likely can't be responsible for an entire human life. I'm sorry things are complicated right now - hugs. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 (edited) I don't mean to kick someone when they are down but... It really sounds to me that, this whole thread, you have a bunch of competing emotional programs of yours at the switch of your behaviours, and you just went with them, without thinking through the consequences. So now you are where you are. 1. Your desire to be a mother that you expressed earlier in this thread (maybe that was the real reason why you didn't use birth control and got pregnant?) 2. Your (codependent) attachment to Jamie. And yes, it sounds codependent. You actually seemed more honest about that earlier in this thread. At any rate, the baby about to arrive, means there is now real urgency for you to stop being all over the map and converge to a point quickly. As far as I see, your choices are: A. Give the baby up for adoption. B. Abort your pregnancy. C. Have the baby and be a single mom, with your boyfriend coparenting with you or not. Maybe you and Jamie can get together--assuming he still wants in w you pregnant w another man's child, that is. D. Have the baby and forget about Jamie as you try to make it work with your boyfriend--get married or move in together. By forget about Jamie I mean go NC--otherwise you will get pulled back into an affair, and as a new mom as well as someone else's partner you don't have time for that. At any rate, it's go-time now, you really need to come up with a plan of action, and fast. Good luck. Edited April 14, 2017 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 It's funny because in my post I said I was glad I wasn't pregnant and I already was. I was glad. I was going to take some time to myself. I was stupid. Part of me is happy. Part of me isn't. He wants to be with me and marry me. I don't even know what I want. I don't want to do this alone.... Ugh. My life is such a mess. I really don't think that you should marry this new guy right now. You've only been dating a few months and you already are not so sure about the relationship, it's not a good start to a marriage. If you decide to keep the pregnancy, I would advise that you simply continue to try and date and see where it goes. Don't rush things just because you're going to have a baby. Honestly, in the event that you do decide to continue the pregnancy, you have to prepare yourself for the strong possibility of single motherhood. You have to take that risk and be ok with it. If you truly think that you can't or don't want to do this alone, then maybe it's best that you don't do it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 I just realized it sounds like im trying to get pregnant and im not. I figured if i watched my calendar id know what days to avoid having sex... i didnt realize saturday was my first day. My period calendar could even be off for all i know! I just want to know if people can get sick this quickly. Its the only reason i think theres a chance. The unconscious mind is very powerful. You want to get pregnant so you will come up with all sorts of rationalisations about what you are doing. Having unprotected sex puts you at risk of pregnancy. You know that really. If your body and mind want you to get pregnant, you are fighting your whole being. That's really difficult to do. The unconscious is what pulls us into all sorts of situations that are not good for us - affairs, relationships that aren't working, cheating. Never underestimate the power of the unconscious mind. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Have you been doing counseling, Pink? Lots of changes you're dealing with - if so, what is the action the counselor has suggested for you? Link to post Share on other sites
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