How do you trust again?

[76_Pinto]

Men with shaved bald heads make my insides melt. lol

 

Its not just the look (which is sexy in my opinion) but also the attitude. Its the opposite of the comb-over, you know? The man with the comb over is trying to hide something whereas the man who shaves bald is embracing it. Attitude.

 

 

^^ I resemble that remark..

 

But seriously Moxie Lady, I've discovered that in life, and especially relationships, that nothing is guaranteed. Having suffered infidelity in two of my last three serious LTRs', I was left with crippling self-doubt. That was until I embarked upon a journey of self-improvement and self-awareness. In my case, I came to the realization that "trusting" as a tangible ideal, truly meant very little in my own relationships. What I mean by that is this; I trusted these two women implicitly. The infidelity completely blindsided me in both cases. From my point of view, my relationships were perfect.

 

This may sound rather odd, but "trust" is something I give little thought in my current relationship. Based upon the fact that I never saw the infidelity coming in those past relationships in the first place, I've concluded there is truly no way if we'd ever know if we can "trust" anyone. My current relationship is 6 years strong currently, and I'm very glad I did not fall into the "trust" or not to "trust" self-debate. I hope you won't let this "trust" issue sideline you either. You sound far too lovely to deprive some lucky worthy gent of your affection. Please hold off on becoming a "cat lady" for now. When you're ready to date again, "trust" your own instincts.

 

**HUGS**

[Mrs. John Adams]

I brought up the vows because you said that people "say things that do not pan out in the long run." I was trying to make the point that perhaps that shouldnt be used as an excuse, that perhaps it was the problem in the first place. So I dont agree with you that bringing up vows was not needed (it is my thread, after all, no?).

 

Then I said it was perhaps 'snarky' somewhat as an apology, but in hindsight it was really more just being sarcastic of your mention about how I am violating my marriage vows by divorcing a man that was unfaithful and unremorseful. I didnt expect you to jump on that comment and keep bringing it up repeatedly.

 

Yes I suppose you could say that its on me that I divorced because of what my husband did. I broke that vow. My point was that you are focusing on the trees and not seeing the forest. Where is the line then?

 

If you are a religious person (I am not) it says in the Bible that divorce is acceptable if there is infidelity. Note, it does not say that divorce is acceptable if your husband beats you to within an inch of your life. Just infidelity. But would we tell women who were horribly physically abused that they should stay in a marriage because they should not break their vows? Where is the line where it is acceptable to not want to stay in the marriage? Thats what I had the problem with, that you jumped right on me for breaking my vows to him yet didnt seem to have the same level of issue with him breaking his first. It felt a great deal like victim blaming from someone who was not accepting what THEY did, and projecting it onto someone else.

 

So we will agree to disagree.

 

This is a very humbling post.. Not only for you moxie but for those of us who committed adultery and continue to blame shift.

 

You are right the bible clearly states that infidelity is an acceptable reason for divorce. We vow to remain faithful to our spouse and forsaking all others keep ourselves only for them. That is a pretty clear vow don't you think?

 

And there is no except or but at the end of that vow.. I will forsake others UNLESS you don't give me sex.... Unless you ignore me... Unless you don't do things my way.

 

Nope... There are no exceptions in that vow.

 

You broke no vow in divorcing your husband... He got exactly what he deserved... And he knew that when he took a lover... As did I

 

I knew that i could lose everything... And I still made that choice. That was a huge injustice to my husband. I did not ask his permission.. I took it upon myself to make that decision for the both of us. Yes... I deserved divorce....

 

I am a lucky one because I was given the gift of reconciliation .. A gift I do not deserve.

 

It upsets me when folks justify their infidelity by turning the tables and blame the betrayed spouse. You may not have been a perfect spouse... You may have fallen short ... But you broke no vow.

 

And to twist this into a blaming contest is nothing short of disrespect.... Especially if you are not my betrayed spouse.

[Liam1]

I brought up the vows because you said that people "say things that do not pan out in the long run." I was trying to make the point that perhaps that shouldnt be used as an excuse, that perhaps it was the problem in the first place. So I dont agree with you that bringing up vows was not needed (it is my thread, after all, no?).

 

Hi Moxie:

 

Again, you are misinterpreting my response. The response to the piling of of "guilt" about mentioning vows, was not addressed to you. It was addressed to those who were saying it is not necessary to mention vows.

 

I simply clarified that I was answering YOUR question about vows. But again, it was not a response to you.

 

Then I said it was perhaps 'snarky' somewhat as an apology, but in hindsight it was really more just being sarcastic of your mention about how I am violating my marriage vows by divorcing a man that was unfaithful and unremorseful. I didnt expect you to jump on that comment and keep bringing it up repeatedly.

Again, I did not say YOU specifically were breaking your vows.

 

I know nothing about your marriage, I already mentioned that and Crikey, I would NEVER have the audacity to tell you OR ANYONE to remain married or faithful to anyone for any reason.

 

As mentioned, I don't live inside your marriage, and could never offer valid advice about what you should do in YOUR marriage because I am not living YOUR marital experience.

 

Some marriages are hell and not worth saving. Some marriages are hell but can be saved through changes brought about with the proper counseling.

 

As I already said, I think the vows are outdated to a great degree and do not fit into 21st century thinking, anymore.

 

I said "PEOPLE" in general rarely keep all their vows, and that was in explanation for why one can NOT EVEN TRUST THEMSELVES. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Yes I suppose you could say that its on me that I divorced because of what my husband did. I broke that vow. My point was that you are focusing on the trees and not seeing the forest. Where is the line then?

My focus was never on YOUR marriage specifically. Again, my comment was mentioned in that people can NOT EVEN TRUST THEMSELVES.

 

People in general sometimes divorce for very VALID reasons, but they also sometimes divorce for NO VALID reason. That was what I meant by people break their vows all the time. They divorce because they are bored or they don't want to move for the spouse's job, etc.

 

Beating someone, a spouse or otherwise is a crime, and no, no one should ever stay with a physical abuser. They should call the police and file a police report. Physical abuse is a illegal and definitely a marriage that involves beating should NOT be saved.

 

If you are a religious person (I am not) it says in the Bible that divorce is acceptable if there is infidelity.

No I am not a religious person, either. Just like you.

 

I go by the law. In the USA refusing to have sex with your spouse for one year is considered "constructive abandonment" and legal grounds for a divorce. So is infidelity. It's a matter of opinion which is worse and who broke the vows first, IMO, at least in my case.

 

In my case, my wife broke the religious vow of to cherish as well as the legal law of sexual abandonment. I could have legally divorced her. She did not want a divorce. So, rather than end my marriage, I chose to also break a vow and to have an affair.

 

For me, the affair saved my marriage. I do not feel guilty about it.

 

In my case, and I speak for my situation only, I feel it solved a problem and saved my marriage. But divorce would have been my legal right, too. Just as divorce is your legal right under the law. I am not disagreeing with you or deriding you for breaking a religious vow.

 

My marriage is still in tact and my marriage has improved due to my wife finally being able to admit that what she was doing was just as wrong as infidelity.

 

If she were not able to acknowledge her part in the marital breakdown, we would be divorced, now. It would have been far easier for me to divorce her than to try to save the marriage. Saving a marriage is far more difficult than divorcing, IMO.

 

Again, the topic was HOW CAN YOU TRUST AGAIN..........,

 

....So trying to get back on topic....my answer to your original question remains that you can not and should not even trust anyone 100 percent......NOT EVEN YOURSELF.

 

In the end, though, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Don't you think?

 

You can not and should not, IMO, let distrust hold you back from finding someone else to love. Even it that love does not last forever.

 

So we will agree to disagree.

Agree to disagree about what? I was never telling you to stay married. Only you can know whether or not your marriage is worth saving.

 

I am on the outside. I have no clue. My advice was only about "trust".

[2.50 a gallon]

Moxie:

 

 

After the break up of my marriage I swore that I would never let myself fall in love again. For 14 years, I built, rebarred, armored, my walls taller and thicker until I was positive that I was totally safe.

They say that love is a choice.

Second date, first kiss. I had no choice, my mighty walls crumbled

Until that night I loved living alone, as I could do what I wanted with whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

I realized that I was in deep doo-doo, when I went home that night awakened to the fact that I was terribly lonely.

Of my two choices, run and get hurt, or stay and get hurt, I decided to play it out, just in the chance, that it might work.

This was made all the scarier as she flat told me that she was still madly in love with her former live in BF who was only temporarily out of her life to clean up a drug problem.

I carefully, without letting her know, went all in, and began playing it day by day. We just had fun, I never brought up us being exclusive, just had fun, and made sure I was there whenever she needed me

Patience, patience patience.

At the six month mark he came back and she told me that she was going to see him that day. I did my best to say OK and not let her know what I was feeling inside.

An hour later she was back, as she said on the way over to see him, she decided that they were finished.

It was over another years before the first ILY's began to appear. And once started they came hail in a hail storm and have not stopped in 18 years.

Yes against all odds, I find that I totally and blindly trust her.

[Moxie Lady]

Im sorry it's been so long since I updated this. I very much appreciate all of the contributions to my thread. They have given me alot to think about.

 

Now am officially divorced. If I thought that was going to suddenly make things easier I was definitely wrong.

 

ExH saw me eating lunch with a man the other day (not a date but a colleague, he didn't know that though). Called me later to tell me that I "didnt waste any time". I didn't tell him the man was a colleague and not a date. Besides which I actually did have a date later that week, and so I told him so because he was being hurtful and angry and saying things that were terrible and rude. Accusing me of things. So I thought, fine he believes it anyway, so I will just tell him. We are not together I owe him nothing.

 

His reaction was to completely flip out and so I hung up the phone. He called me back and left a voice message that was horrible. He said I am a terrible person and "f you" and "f off" (but he said the full words). He was yelling saying never talk to him again (wish that was an option but we have kids together).

 

He had times when he was verbally mean during our marriage but never this bad. What kind of man says 'f you' to any woman let alone one that he once claimed to love? Not an honorable one. I dont know who will ever date him or be in a relationship with him because any woman with self respect would walk away from that immediately. That is horribly abuse in my opinion.

 

So that is where I am at. Very glad I did not reconcile. Just sorry I lost so much time. And honestly? Hurt that he would talk to me that way. Sigh, I hope this gets easier.

[Moxie Lady]

^^ I resemble that remark..

 

But seriously Moxie Lady, I've discovered that in life, and especially relationships, that nothing is guaranteed. Having suffered infidelity in two of my last three serious LTRs', I was left with crippling self-doubt. That was until I embarked upon a journey of self-improvement and self-awareness. In my case, I came to the realization that "trusting" as a tangible ideal, truly meant very little in my own relationships. What I mean by that is this; I trusted these two women implicitly. The infidelity completely blindsided me in both cases. From my point of view, my relationships were perfect.

 

This may sound rather odd, but "trust" is something I give little thought in my current relationship. Based upon the fact that I never saw the infidelity coming in those past relationships in the first place, I've concluded there is truly no way if we'd ever know if we can "trust" anyone. My current relationship is 6 years strong currently, and I'm very glad I did not fall into the "trust" or not to "trust" self-debate. I hope you won't let this "trust" issue sideline you either. You sound far too lovely to deprive some lucky worthy gent of your affection. Please hold off on becoming a "cat lady" for now. When you're ready to date again, "trust" your own instincts.

 

**HUGS**

 

76 Pinto? Is this considered a classic car? (honest question)

 

Thank you for your post

[76_Pinto]

76 Pinto? Is this considered a classic car? (honest question)

 

Thank you for your post

 

 

Moxie Lady, of course I'm a classic!

 

Glad to read that you are moving on. Though you still have to deal with your ExH as far as the children are concerned, you should not have to tolerate his continued verbal abuse towards you. He sounds like a real jerk, and not worthy of your consideration. Please do not let him barge into your personal life, or try to control you. Things will get easier for you, once he finally realizes that you've moved on.

 

76

[dreamingoftigers]

Im sorry it's been so long since I updated this. I very much appreciate all of the contributions to my thread. They have given me alot to think about.

 

Now am officially divorced. If I thought that was going to suddenly make things easier I was definitely wrong.

 

ExH saw me eating lunch with a man the other day (not a date but a colleague, he didn't know that though). Called me later to tell me that I "didnt waste any time". I didn't tell him the man was a colleague and not a date. Besides which I actually did have a date later that week, and so I told him so because he was being hurtful and angry and saying things that were terrible and rude. Accusing me of things. So I thought, fine he believes it anyway, so I will just tell him. We are not together I owe him nothing.

 

His reaction was to completely flip out and so I hung up the phone. He called me back and left a voice message that was horrible. He said I am a terrible person and "f you" and "f off" (but he said the full words). He was yelling saying never talk to him again (wish that was an option but we have kids together).

 

He had times when he was verbally mean during our marriage but never this bad. What kind of man says 'f you' to any woman let alone one that he once claimed to love? Not an honorable one. I dont know who will ever date him or be in a relationship with him because any woman with self respect would walk away from that immediately. That is horribly abuse in my opinion.

 

So that is where I am at. Very glad I did not reconcile. Just sorry I lost so much time. And honestly? Hurt that he would talk to me that way. Sigh, I hope this gets easier.

 

Honestly, he has the emotional maturity of most active because cheaters.

 

Thank is pretty much par for the course.....behave as though you are single; wife finds out; blame wife; end up divorced; blame wife; see wife moving on with life; be completely unable to accept life's logical consequences; blame ex-wife.

 

Check out chumplady, you see it ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Even his "never talk to me again" after HE initiated the whole conversation and acted like HE was the one who got cheated on. (By the way, these people are MASTERS of projection).

 

Cheaters and addicts often have the same type of responses to issues, the same three channels: 1. Charm 2. Self-pity and often when those two fail, 3. Rage.

 

There's been a big dump of self-pity and rage.

Expect that to permeate any otherwise normal interactions you'd think you'd be able to have with him.

 

I feel bad for him actually. Not because he's been dumped and divorced, but because he's not very bright.

[dreamingoftigers]

Response to him in hindsight:

 

"You're right. I'm not wasting any time. I wasted enough already."

 

"Hey, I learned from you. Only difference: I waited until I was divorced before I got busy, that way I could go out in public without trying to hide."

 

"Funny how you notice my existence post-divorce. Better luck with the next wife. And girlfriend."

[Mrs. John Adams]

Good for you Moxie!

 

He just proved to you that you did the right thing!

 

Now get out there and live....enjoy your life....love your babies...and love yourself.

 

Inform the father of your children that the only communication will be concerning the children. If he attempts to communicate about anything other than your children ...you will not respond....and you prefer everything to be in writing....so text messaging is your preferred communication.

 

Your life is no longer his concern....he made the choice to cheat....so he has no one to blame but himself.

 

Good luck to you!!! and thanks for the update!

[66Charger]

76 Pinto? Is this considered a classic car? (honest question)

 

Thank you for your post

 

Ummmm. No. Kind of one of those cars you see rusting on the side of the road. NO OFFENSE, 76!! Just car talk. Threadjack out.

 

66

[Moxie Lady]

Thanks for your posts Dreaming of Tigers. Especially the one with hindsight comebacks. I'm sure I will be able to use them in the future.

 

I very much appreciate the support. I will have to check out that site you mentioned (Chump something).

[Moxie Lady]

Good for you Moxie!

 

He just proved to you that you did the right thing!

 

Now get out there and live....enjoy your life....love your babies...and love yourself.

 

Inform the father of your children that the only communication will be concerning the children. If he attempts to communicate about anything other than your children ...you will not respond....and you prefer everything to be in writing....so text messaging is your preferred communication.

 

Your life is no longer his concern....he made the choice to cheat....so he has no one to blame but himself.

 

Good luck to you!!! and thanks for the update!

 

Thank you mrs Adams!

 

My babies are all grown, so that will lessen the communication. He really didnt have a reason to contact me about the kids the last time when he did, he just wanted to give me grief.

 

Honestly I've dealt with the affair emotionally since it has been years, but I didnt deal well with his terrible voice message. So disrespectful to say those things to a woman he supposedly loved. Cant really describe it but it was so hurtful and soul crushing, made me wonder how I could have ever thought I loved him. The next time someone talks to me that way I am gone and they wont like what they get back. I hate disrespect.

 

Thank you again for the well wishes Mrs Adams, and I wish same to you.

[Moxie Lady]

Ummmm. No. Kind of one of those cars you see rusting on the side of the road. NO OFFENSE, 76!! Just car talk. Threadjack out.

 

66

 

66 and 76. Seems to be alot of people on this forum named after cars. Is 86 and 96 going to pop out of the shadows next and join my thread?

 

My dad used to say that Ford stood for Found On Road Dead. So sorry Mr Pinto. But it is a ... um... interesting looking car compared to the other one

 

No worries about thread jack. I think I'm the one who started it.

[76_Pinto]

My dad used to say that Ford stood for Found On Road Dead. So sorry Mr Pinto. But it is a ... um... interesting looking car compared to the other one

 

 

Well to my understanding, FORD actually means Fked'-Up Old Rebuilt Dodge... 76 Pinto is more a metaphor for where I am in life ATM. One more kick in the ass and I'll explode..

 

Though I don't know you Moxie, but I can tell you're in better place now. Your EX's loss for sure...

Edited May 22, 2016 by 76_Pinto

[66Charger]

Since I posted a threadjack, I might as well respond to your original question, if you dont mind.

 

Faith is Love, Love is trust, Trust is Faith. In order to have the Love and trust again, you can not lose the Faith. It is hard when all you read is dirt, and mistrust and deception. But if you dig a little deeper, you see stories of resurrection, redemption and rebirth. When you are born, faith, love and trust are part of your world. Perhaps you should become "born again" and wipe those "sins" clean, in a nonreligious sort of way.

 

Package up all those memories and put them where they belong, in a book called Yesterday. Then write another book.

 

But keep the Faith. Then you may trust again.

 

Speaking of birth, Congrats DOT!

 

Edit, TJ again. Dont explode bro, get yourself a real classic. She may take a lot of work and some MONEY and it may take awhile to get the "old girl" perfect for you, but once you get there, a shiny young new one, doesnt compare. Fact.

 

Sorry, having a couple of beers at sunset on the Pacific ocean with freinds. IPAs rule. .Life is good.

Edited May 23, 2016 by 66Charger

[Moxie Lady]

Well to my understanding, FORD actually means Fked'-Up Old Rebuilt Dodge... 76 Pinto is more a metaphor for where I am in life ATM. One more kick in the ass and I'll explode..

 

Though I don't know you Moxie, but I can tell you're in better place now. Your EX's loss for sure...

 

This post made me laugh Glad the dodge charger guy didn't take offense. Although it is hard to be insulted by a Pinto

 

I reread your first post on this thread (very insightful by the way) and it sounded to me like your six year relationship is a strong one. Has that changed? I ask because if you are comparing your life to a Pinto, well...

 

I like your approach to trust. I feel it is critical not to project trust issues from prior relationships onto new ones which is partly why I started this thread.

 

Are you now having trust issues with your SO? I hope the forum is helpful to you. I was referredd here by a lovely woman who is one of my closest friends, we lived on the same street back in the 1980s in one of the LA suburbs. She has been thru so much and come thru it still with a zest for life and love and is not afraid to give her heart. I learn from her example

[Moxie Lady]

Since I posted a threadjack, I might as well respond to your original question, if you dont mind.

 

Faith is Love, Love is trust, Trust is Faith. In order to have the Love and trust again, you can not lose the Faith. It is hard when all you read is dirt, and mistrust and deception. But if you dig a little deeper, you see stories of resurrection, redemption and rebirth. When you are born, faith, love and trust are part of your world. Perhaps you should become "born again" and wipe those "sins" clean, in a nonreligious sort of way.

 

Package up all those memories and put them where they belong, in a book called Yesterday. Then write another book.

 

But keep the Faith. Then you may trust again.

 

Speaking of birth, Congrats DOT!

 

Edit, TJ again. Dont explode bro, get yourself a real classic. She may take a lot of work and some MONEY and it may take awhile to get the "old girl" perfect for you, but once you get there, a shiny young new one, doesnt compare. Fact.

 

Sorry, having a couple of beers at sunset on the Pacific ocean with freinds. IPAs rule. .Life is good.

 

66 (or should I say 'threadjacker' ha),

 

Thank you for your post. I do plan to write another book.

 

I agree with you that faith and trust are basically the same, but I think you can have trust without love and love without trust. See, I think that after someone cheats in a relationship it is 100 percent their responsibility to prove they will never do it again. However when that hasnt happened then it is both parties' responsibility. One person has to trust the other unless it is proven that the trust is not deserved. And no one is perfect so I dont mean things like mentioning an ex's name or talking to somebody of the opposite gender or that kind of thing. I mean lots of circumstantial proof or direct proof. It is one partie's responsibility not to accuse the other party based on their own fears. That is part of loving someone.

 

I just reread that paragraph and have to correct myself. I dont think faith and trust are the same. Trust is an action that people can control. Faith I guess is an action but its more passive.

 

I would also add "respect" to your equation above. Treating the person with love and respect.

 

I do enjoy the pacific ocean too. I am lucky enough to live within a couple of blocks.

 

Thanks again for your thoughtful post.

[76_Pinto]

This post made me laugh Glad the dodge charger guy didn't take offense. Although it is hard to be insulted by a Pinto:laugh:

 

66 sounds like a fellow automobile aficionado, and I'm sure he realizes the humor in the Pinto as the car to identify with..

 

I reread your first post on this thread (very insightful by the way) and it sounded to me like your six year relationship is a strong one. Has that changed? I ask because if you are comparing your life to a Pinto, well...

 

I like your approach to trust. I feel it is critical not to project trust issues from prior relationships onto new ones which is partly why I started this thread.

 

Are you now having trust issues with your SO? I hope the forum is helpful to you. I was referredd here by a lovely woman who is one of my closest friends, we lived on the same street back in the 1980s in one of the LA suburbs. She has been thru so much and come thru it still with a zest for life and love and is not afraid to give her heart. I learn from her example

 

Sounds like your friend positively benefited from her time here, and I know you will too! My approach to trust seems bizarre to many people I discuss this with. But I've known so many people personally that were/are cheating on their SOs'. But their SOs' have not the slightest clue this happening in most all the cases. I do not condone the infidelity, nor do I associate with these people.

But it occurred to me at some point, that if these betrayed SO's did not know their partners were being unfaithful, then how would I in future relationships? Unless cheaters become careless, then how would we ever know? I obsessed on this after catching my last GF in the act (naked guy hiding in our closet), and my trust issues carried over to ruin several relationship after that before I finally arrived at the position I have now. I don't want to have to spy on, or be a detective just to be with a woman, ever again. So unless my GF gives me very good reason not to trust her, then she has my full trust.

 

You WILL get to a place where you can cope, and have normal relationships. This will take some time, but it seems like you are well on the way Moxie Lady..

 

It's funny you ask me why I'm here, because I've been reading so much, and have somewhat become sidetracked from what brought me here. But trust is not an issue in my current relationship, at least not in the sense that involves infidelity. But I am struggling dealing with some major family issues with my GF's oldest child, and I'm near the end of my rope.

 

Sorry for hijacking your thread, but I just wanted to answer your question. When I find the courage, I will start my own thread soon on this in the appropriate section.

[Moxie Lady]

66 sounds like a fellow automobile aficionado, and I'm sure he realizes the humor in the Pinto as the car to identify with..

 

 

 

Sounds like your friend positively benefited from her time here, and I know you will too! My approach to trust seems bizarre to many people I discuss this with. But I've known so many people personally that were/are cheating on their SOs'. But their SOs' have not the slightest clue this happening in most all the cases. I do not condone the infidelity, nor do I associate with these people.

But it occurred to me at some point, that if these betrayed SO's did not know their partners were being unfaithful, then how would I in future relationships? Unless cheaters become careless, then how would we ever know? I obsessed on this after catching my last GF in the act (naked guy hiding in our closet), and my trust issues carried over to ruin several relationship after that before I finally arrived at the position I have now. I don't want to have to spy on, or be a detective just to be with a woman, ever again. So unless my GF gives me very good reason not to trust her, then she has my full trust.

 

You WILL get to a place where you can cope, and have normal relationships. This will take some time, but it seems like you are well on the way Moxie Lady..

 

It's funny you ask me why I'm here, because I've been reading so much, and have somewhat become sidetracked from what brought me here. But trust is not an issue in my current relationship, at least not in the sense that involves infidelity. But I am struggling dealing with some major family issues with my GF's oldest child, and I'm near the end of my rope.

 

Sorry for hijacking your thread, but I just wanted to answer your question. When I find the courage, I will start my own thread soon on this in the appropriate section.

 

My friend (actually she is my best friend) still posts here. She asked me not to identify her.

 

Naked guy in the closet? How long was he in there? How did you come to look in the closet? What did you do when you found him?

 

Sorry, you dont have to answer those questions if you prefer not. I always just wonder how these things come about to happen.

 

What you said about trust is almost exactly what I posted to Dodge man above. I totally agree with you, its just hard sometimes to get your head to that place. But accusing someone of cheating without strong proof says more about the person accusing in some cases. It hurts to be accused of something terrible that you didnt do and I dont ever want to do that to someone I care about.

 

I am sorry you are dealing with family problems, and I look forward to reading your thread when you post it. Take care.

[76_Pinto]

Naked guy in the closet? How long was he in there? How did you come to look in the closet? What did you do when you found him?

 

Sorry, you dont have to answer those questions if you prefer not. I always just wonder how these things come about to happen.

 

 

I don't mind sharing this Moxie, because you know what it feels like having been a victim of betrayal.

 

It's amazing I can actually talk about this now, and it doesn't bother me... it's actually funny in a weird way now. But I came home unexpectedly one afternoon, to find a strange car parked in my drive. Our home at the time had a security system, and when you opened a door, it sounded the little ding ding chime on the keypads.

 

Once inside, it was strange how quiet it was but I could hear a commotion coming from the bedroom, and I called out to my then GF, but no answer. So I grab a golf club and proceed to the bedroom, only to discover my GF naked on the bed with the look of horror on her face, and that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks what I had just walked in on.

 

Right about the time I asked her WTF is going on, I hear movement in the closet. When I yanked open the door to the closet, there was Mr. Naked trying put his underwear back on. I just calmly told him to GTFO, which took him all of 3 seconds. I suppose I was still in shock based oh how calmly I reacted, but thinking about it later, I wished I had swung that golf club, if you know what I mean?

 

That was the end of that relationship, needless to say. I kicked her out that very day, with her crocodile tears saying, "It's not what it looks like" and "That guy meant nothing to me". Keep in mind, when I left for work that morning, things seemed just as normal as any other day to me. Our relationship seemed perfect, I was happy and thought she was too. I never saw this coming, and I trusted this woman with my life.

 

But I can honestly say, I've put that all behind me, and I've stopped projecting my trust issues onto others. TBH, it took time for me to stop being paranoid and controlling with the women I met after that experience.

[Moxie Lady]

Im so sorry you had to go thru that Thank you for sharing. That is quite a story.

 

I cant even imagine what that must have felt like. Its amazing that you can have such a healthy trusting relationship after that. I can understand why it took you awhile to get to that point.

 

It is good that you didnt hit him with the golf club or you might be in prison right now. I actually have a good friend who, when he was 19 and in a club with his then girlfriend, ended up beating up an older guy (60s I think) who would not stop hitting on his girlfriend and putting his hand on her backside. Unfortunately the guy died and he got 30 to life in prison. He is still there waiting to get parole. And of course his girlfriend dumped him the second he went to prison. One of the nicest men I know.

[Neil711]

I wasn't sure whether to post here or in the section that seems to be focused on divorce. But I guess infidelity is what got me here so here I am.

 

My soon to be ex husband and I will be officially divorced in May. It has been a two year process. We were married 21 years (I am 46, he is 49). We have two kids who are grown and on their own.

 

Future ex Husband decided to have an affair with his administrative assistant (I know, classic and boring story, but at least I used the politically correct term instead of secretary). I found out 3 years ago, we spent 1 year in useless marriage counseling and reconciliation until I decided I couldnt do it. The next 2 years we spent in divorce proceedings with him stalling every step of the way.

 

What I want to know is.... how do you trust again. We havent lived together for over 2 years but now that I am at the official 'end' of the marriage it feels like it just happened all over again. The pain and grief and humiliation and embarrassment and feeling of 'what do I do now'. I am a professional woman, people say I'm attractive, but at 46 how do you start over? I don't even know where to start and I don't know how to trust anyone again. How to trust after infidelity? When the 1 person who is supposed to honor you, didnt?

 

 

There are good guys out there. There are incredibly attractive guys that do not cheat. Based on people I know I would say that the more honest a person is in their day to day life the less likely they are to cheat. So go find an honest guy.