How do you trust again?

[HereNorThere]

Well becoming a cat lady is looking more and more like a good option.

 

Thank you all for the replies. I guess I dont agree that women have opportunities 24/7. I was referring more to the kind of opportunity where someone directly propositions you. Maybe that happens to every woman I dont know.

 

ONe of the things that does upset me is that I didn't just walk away the second I found out. Another several years of my life wasted. She is the one who told me. I honestly dont know if it was a slushy mushy romance or not, but I think she thought he would run to her. Instead he ran from her, to me. It is true that one of the biggest issues I have had is that he was so disinterested in sex whwen it was excellent for the first few years. So apparently he wasnt asexual, it was me that he didnt want (after a time), and he would rather be sexual with her. I will never get it, never. Thus a part of the reason its so hard to trust men right now.

 

 

Nearly all of us did the "pick me" dance, so I wouldn't feel too bad about. One thing you have to remember is that you were making decisions under duress with an incomplete data set. Cheaters have a way of turning things around while making you question yourself and it leaves you in a vulnerable state. Without the emotion and with more truthful, accurate information, you would have made a better decision, but your partner robbed you of both things. That wasn't your fault and it doesn't mean you were weak.

 

You're ex husband sounds like a text book passive aggressive, conflict avoidant covert narcissist. Instead of dealing with issues with you and confronting someone on his level, he shut you out and went with one of his subordinates. Someone who was literally paid to put up with him. People who date within a unequal power paradigm don't want a partner that challenges them, they want someone submissive whom they can control. I've seen this type of thing happen with my more outgoing friends who married someone more introverted. The introvert usually starts to resent the power that more outgoing one has socially and turns around and finds someone even more introverted as themselves to prove that they possess the same kind of charm.

[oldshirt]

Thanks for the positive words, its good to know there is life after infidelity.

 

 

 

Did you catch the part when I am 46? As in, 40 years plus six more years?

 

I hope you are right tho. Im really tired of being alone on Saturday nights.

 

dichotomy (hope I spelled that right) , have any of those people figured out the answer to why a man would refuse to sleep with his wife and then instead sleep with his secretary (yes SECRETARY damn it!) who he said he didnt find attractive? That is funny because I would have absolutely believed him (that he wasnt sleeping with her) if he had not admitted it, because I simply could not beieve he would choose someone like that to have an affair with.

 

And I think it was the person with the old shirt who said or suggested that if he has been this way for years he has probably been having affairs for years. You know what, I dont even want to know. I dont.

 

 

 

Moxie, I am 52. You are a young, hot babe to me!! I could only be so lucky! :-D

 

 

 

 

Really the only demographic you probably won't have anyone beating down your doors is early 30s, successful, tall, hunkish, hot dudes who have never been married and don't have kids, that are looking for a little lady to marry and have a flock of kids with.

 

 

Other than that, any other demographic of grown man won't have any qualms with you at all. Even young, hot, studs will be ok with going to bed with you - they will just look towards younger women without previous children with whom to marry and start a family.

 

 

And lets be real here for moment - do you really even want to start another family and have more children??????? ..... I didn't think so.

 

 

You will be fine :-)

[oldshirt]

...Oh and also, I did not say that he was having an affair for years. He may not have been at all up until he was busted.

 

 

If you read my previous post again, I said that sometimes even the low desire person themselves think that their libido is dead and that they have no sex drive or sexual desire anymore.....and then they meet their AP and it all comes flooding back with a vengeance.

 

 

He may have been low desire for years and he may not have been having any kind of affair at all up until his current AP.

 

 

...or he may have been, who knows? and like you said, do you really need to know that?

[Moxie Lady]

Wow. Thanks to all for the wonderful support

 

shattered lady - thanks for the PM information. And especially, thanks for sharing your experiece with your friend, I have never thought of it that way before. I wish I would have found this place 3 years ago when I was going thru confusing hell every day.

 

herenorthere - thank you for that perspective too. Again not something I ever thought of, but you make good points. I never would have thought of that.

 

and to the man who is wearing the old shirt - did you just call me a young hot babe? Did I mention I love you? LOL

 

Seriously, For that I will buy you a new shirt. I truly hope you are right. Here in LA it is a little better than other places because people are very into fitness (I am as well), but still, the couple of times I did take a glance at the online dating sites, I wasnt happy about the selection. Want a hot guy with no combover. Dont want to join that site where people have to say they want to be with some older(ish) person either. uggh.

 

And no, my childbearing days are long over. Perhaps not according to my uterus, but definitely according to my brain.

[Mrs. John Adams]

learning to trust......after an affair......

 

Funny isn't it....when you met your husband...you trusted him instantly....probably never even thought about it.

 

but after infidelity happens....the idea of trust....is frightening.

 

I am a cheater.....but I have watched my husband learn to trust again.....I have worked very hard to gain his trust again. Will he ever trust me like he did before I cheated? no he won't. But have I broken down the barriers he built around his heart after my affair? yes

 

I see trust returning ....very slowly returning

 

You too will learn to trust again.....as you move beyond the heartache....as you gain hope for the future.....it will come...in tiny little steps...as you gain strength from your brokenness.

 

I think as you have new freedom....as you look beyond the sadness of all you have lost....you will gain strength and you will realize it comes from within yourself instead of others.... and trust will come.....because you have learned to trust YOURSELF...and trusting others is not so important as it once was.....

 

Trust in you.....the rest will come.....

[oldshirt]

..,I said that sometimes even the low desire person themselves think that their libido is dead and that they have no sex drive or sexual desire anymore.....and then they meet their AP and it all comes flooding back with a vengeance.

 

 

 

Another thing I will add to this that is a bit of silver lining to all of this. Your libido and desire may have been a bit dormant over the last several years also. But the good news is it is just a matter of days, weeks or a few months before you meet someone that makes your heart go pitter pat and then your hormones will come raging back with a vengeance as well.

 

As long as you let it, it's gonna happen.

[whichwayisup]

I wasn't sure whether to post here or in the section that seems to be focused on divorce. But I guess infidelity is what got me here so here I am.

 

My soon to be ex husband and I will be officially divorced in May. It has been a two year process. We were married 21 years (I am 46, he is 49). We have two kids who are grown and on their own.

 

Future ex Husband decided to have an affair with his administrative assistant (I know, classic and boring story, but at least I used the politically correct term instead of secretary). I found out 3 years ago, we spent 1 year in useless marriage counseling and reconciliation until I decided I couldnt do it. The next 2 years we spent in divorce proceedings with him stalling every step of the way.

 

What I want to know is.... how do you trust again. We havent lived together for over 2 years but now that I am at the official 'end' of the marriage it feels like it just happened all over again. The pain and grief and humiliation and embarrassment and feeling of 'what do I do now'. I am a professional woman, people say I'm attractive, but at 46 how do you start over? I don't even know where to start and I don't know how to trust anyone again. How to trust after infidelity? When the 1 person who is supposed to honor you, didnt?

 

You do counseling and work on self confidence and have strong boundaries which you make clear when entering a future relationship. Because of past experience you're wise but don't let past hurts and mistrust ruin any future relationships. It just takes time..

 

I assume you want love again, want a fulfilling and happy relationship? Then you have to take the chance and take the plunge and know that possibly getting hurt again can happen but don't let that fear ruin something that could be amazing.

[oldshirt]

..... And just an FYI, no combovers, beer belly or ear or nose hairs here.

 

I am shaved bald nice and smooth with a well trimmed and maintained moustache and goatee. Don't know if that counts for anything or if a full head of hair is a nonnegotiable requirement.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

My Dad has ...NEVER cheated. Wouldn't even think of it.

 

My brother was married nearly 20 years. Never looked at another woman with intent.

 

I've got countless male cousins. Only 1 has ever cheated. ...married to his OW ...[then] never cheated.

 

 

You can't possibly know any of this with any level of certainty. In fact, it's false certainty like that that allowed us all to be totally blindsided, or, in your case, apparently shattered.

 

I suppose my question, relative to the OPs quesion about trust, is: Why can we seemingly not trust OUR future partners, but have no problem trusting someone else's?

 

I'm not phrasing it very well because it's early and I'm on my first cup. But I think there is something here worth asking.

[ShatteredLady]

My father has such strong opinions that he would have to be the biggest hypocrite ever when he's never shown signs of that in any other area of his life, quite the opposite. Same with my brother to the extent that it was pretty much his mantra leading up to the day that he killed himself.

 

I think this 'We never really know' & 'statistically...'...you know!?!? We live in a strange time. Just because Chris Rock says that cheating depends on opportunity (not exact quote) doesn't make it true. I've told the story before about my grandad & his war mates basically ostracizing a man for cheating on his wife.

 

There are plenty of people who don't cheat & it's a sad indictment of our world that we believe it's more likely someone has cheated than not.

 

Maybe I'm the naive Disney girl? What a sad, sad world. Maybe we should start raising our children with the knowledge that you can never trust anyone with your heart. Change the marriage vows?

 

I would of been less blindsided, less hurt but what would I of lost out on? Then again would my brother of committed suicide if he'd been raised in a family with a cheating father? Did my Dads principles make it harder to survive loosing his family?

[BuddyX]

The quote by Chris Rock is, "you're only faithful as your options".

I agree to a certain extent.

Look at sports athletes and movie stars. That being said, if a man is satisfied at home, he'll likely stay in check.

[Friskyone4u]

MoxieLady,

 

I do not have to read all the responses to tell you you have NOTHING to be humiliated about. You lived a marriage with dignity and honor.

 

As far as the future, you probably already know that women can find companionship and/or sex much easier than men, but you have to decide what you are looking for. When the time comes you will know.

 

Probably it WILL be hard to totally trust again so blindly. But that does not mean you cannot enjoy yourself and recover.

 

You are still a relatively young woman, still in your prime, and you will do fine once this is behind you.

[Moxie Lady]

learning to trust......after an affair......

 

Funny isn't it....when you met your husband...you trusted him instantly....probably never even thought about it.

 

but after infidelity happens....the idea of trust....is frightening.

 

I am a cheater.....but I have watched my husband learn to trust again.....I have worked very hard to gain his trust again. Will he ever trust me like he did before I cheated? no he won't. But have I broken down the barriers he built around his heart after my affair? yes

 

I see trust returning ....very slowly returning

 

You too will learn to trust again.....as you move beyond the heartache....as you gain hope for the future.....it will come...in tiny little steps...as you gain strength from your brokenness.

 

I think as you have new freedom....as you look beyond the sadness of all you have lost....you will gain strength and you will realize it comes from within yourself instead of others.... and trust will come.....because you have learned to trust YOURSELF...and trusting others is not so important as it once was.....

 

Trust in you.....the rest will come.....

 

Thank you Mrs. Adams. I have read some of your threads/posts and admire your strength.

 

I have to say, I dont think you should say that you are a cheater. You made a bad decision to cheat a long time ago. I dont believe it defines who you are.

 

Having said that I am left with the question if it defines who my soon to be ex husband is. And I think it does. I dont think people or situations are all black and white. I believe its black and white that cheating is wrong but human beings and situations are complex.

 

You are right. I did trust him instantly, early on. I had no reason not to. When someone then provides you with very good reason not to, that's when you know you have had blinders on.

[Moxie Lady]

Another thing I will add to this that is a bit of silver lining to all of this. Your libido and desire may have been a bit dormant over the last several years also. But the good news is it is just a matter of days, weeks or a few months before you meet someone that makes your heart go pitter pat and then your hormones will come raging back with a vengeance as well.

 

As long as you let it, it's gonna happen.

 

Ha, my libido and desire are anything but dormant. But I see what you mean.

[Moxie Lady]

You do counseling and work on self confidence and have strong boundaries which you make clear when entering a future relationship. Because of past experience you're wise but don't let past hurts and mistrust ruin any future relationships. It just takes time..

 

I assume you want love again, want a fulfilling and happy relationship? Then you have to take the chance and take the plunge and know that possibly getting hurt again can happen but don't let that fear ruin something that could be amazing.

 

I do want those things.

 

Funny but I posted fully expecting everyone to tell me never to trust again. Because everyone here has been hurt in some fashion. But you are all very positive.

[oldshirt]

Ha, my libido and desire are anything but dormant.

 

 

 

In that case you'll be back in the saddle in no time :-)

[Moxie Lady]

..... And just an FYI, no combovers, beer belly or ear or nose hairs here.

 

I am shaved bald nice and smooth with a well trimmed and maintained moustache and goatee. Don't know if that counts for anything or if a full head of hair is a nonnegotiable requirement.

 

Men with shaved bald heads make my insides melt. lol

 

Its not just the look (which is sexy in my opinion) but also the attitude. Its the opposite of the comb-over, you know? The man with the comb over is trying to hide something whereas the man who shaves bald is embracing it. Attitude.

[Moxie Lady]

MoxieLady,

 

I do not have to read all the responses to tell you you have NOTHING to be humiliated about. You lived a marriage with dignity and honor.

 

As far as the future, you probably already know that women can find companionship and/or sex much easier than men, but you have to decide what you are looking for. When the time comes you will know.

 

Probably it WILL be hard to totally trust again so blindly. But that does not mean you cannot enjoy yourself and recover.

 

You are still a relatively young woman, still in your prime, and you will do fine once this is behind you.

 

Thank you.

 

Its really stupid but there is still a part of me that mourns the end. And, it feels like a failure, if that makes sense.

[ShatteredLady]

We had a 'comb-over' friend. It's amazing how much he changed once he shaved it all off. Even the way he presented himself became more confident. He went from pretty much constantly single (odd date from dating sites now & again) too blissfully married with kids (everything he wanted) within 5 years! Even his career improved!

 

Bald is beautiful

[ShatteredLady]

I completely understand, "Its really stupid but there is still a part of me that mourns the end. And, it feels like a failure, if that makes sense.".

 

I think it's only natural to have some of those thoughts. We all start off with so many dreams, so optimistic.

 

We had a big family party the night before we got married. My beloved aunt had a few (??!?!?!) too many to drink & started giving me advise....

 

1. Don't save all of your 'special' china, glasses etc. gifts. Use them everyday or you'll be throwing them away without ever enjoying them when you get divorced!

 

2. Don't get anything monogrammed...you can't use it with your 2nd H no matter how much you like it (unless you can find one with the same initials & that's really hard!)

 

3. Get the photographer to take some photos of just you with your family. It's usually your best hair & makeup. Doesn't work cutting him out of the pictures!

 

.....She got cut-off there & given a coffee!! It was funny at the time but it's the 'advise' I remember the most now.

[oldshirt]

I completely understand, "Its really stupid but there is still a part of me that mourns the end. And, it feels like a failure, if that makes sense.".

 

I think it's only natural to have some of those thoughts. We all start off with so many dreams, so optimistic.

 

We had a big family party the night before we got married. My beloved aunt had a few (??!?!?!) too many to drink & started giving me advise....

 

1. Don't save all of your 'special' china, glasses etc. gifts. Use them everyday or you'll be throwing them away without ever enjoying them when you get divorced!

 

2. Don't get anything monogrammed...you can't use it with your 2nd H no matter how much you like it (unless you can find one with the same initials & that's really hard!)

 

3. Get the photographer to take some photos of just you with your family. It's usually your best hair & makeup. Doesn't work cutting him out of the pictures!

 

.....She got cut-off there & given a coffee!! It was funny at the time but it's the 'advise' I remember the most now.

 

 

Your aunt was the smart one in the family.

 

My advice to my children will be to always have a parachute and an escape plan. Always have your own source of income, your own retirement account and at least one credit card in your name only and at least one bank account in your name only.

 

 

Never be completely dependent on someone or allow anyone to be completely dependent on you. Always have a back door with a clear path to it.

 

 

IMHO people who have escape plans and the ways and means to implement that escape plan are the ones that need to use them the least. If someone already knows you can walk away on a moment's notice without harm, they are less likely to mistreat you.

[Moxie Lady]

I completely understand, "Its really stupid but there is still a part of me that mourns the end. And, it feels like a failure, if that makes sense.".

 

I think it's only natural to have some of those thoughts. We all start off with so many dreams, so optimistic.

 

We had a big family party the night before we got married. My beloved aunt had a few (??!?!?!) too many to drink & started giving me advise....

 

1. Don't save all of your 'special' china, glasses etc. gifts. Use them everyday or you'll be throwing them away without ever enjoying them when you get divorced!

 

2. Don't get anything monogrammed...you can't use it with your 2nd H no matter how much you like it (unless you can find one with the same initials & that's really hard!)

 

3. Get the photographer to take some photos of just you with your family. It's usually your best hair & makeup. Doesn't work cutting him out of the pictures!

 

.....She got cut-off there & given a coffee!! It was funny at the time but it's the 'advise' I remember the most now.

 

Wow. Thats definitely some advice she gave you, and at all times, the night before your wedding.

 

However I have to say I got rid of the china and everything monogrammed too. Don't even know where the wedding pictures are, but some of them would make good target practice

 

I agree with oldshirt, drunk or not, she had it figured out.

[Liam1]

Wow. Thats definitely some advice she gave you, and at all times, the night before your wedding.

 

.

 

IMO, the only thing you can do is to realize that no one can ever be trusted 100 percent.

 

I don't even think a person can trust themselves 100 percent.

 

A lot of people say things that do not pan out to be true in the long run.

[Moxie Lady]

A lot of people say things that do not pan out to be true in the long run.

 

You mean like marriage vows?

[visionless]

Just wanted to say I appreciate your thread. Life has taught me not to trust people in general, regardless. Still I hope you do learn to trust and find genuine happiness for yourself.