this just happened

[merrmeade]

Well hot damn girl you sound like you have got this! Nice update and glad you are making future plans together and it is helping you both!

No SH*T, man! I am so impressed.

 

I started to say envious, but no - I've realized that the one former OW who's now married to his brother (A before they'd met) is absolutely no threat whatsoever to me now. It was 30 years ago and she has done more than right by her husband (told him before M and more).

 

But contact with the other SIL? No f-king way ever! But that's because of her behavior toward me.

 

Each situation, each R - none the same. You have clearly worked for the freedom and open door to love and trust with your "hubby."

 

But why are you asking, my dear?

[wmacbride]

the little steps all add up and you find that you are on your way to a happy life together:)

[OneLov]

Katielee,

 

I'm happy to hear your marriage is getting better and you both seem to be very happy with the work you've done. It's a testament to the fact that relationships can get better when two people are both on the same page and willing to do whatever work each person needs to do. I wish you the best and believe that the best is yet to come. Play your part and keep the faith; the rest will follow.

[katielee]

Just an update: we went to another event and the person greeting us on arrival was ow2's friend, who was along that night when she and hubby met. I thought she would have forgotten him but oh no, she said "it's the Lee's!" Whatever. I didn't feel pain, but sadness. Disappointment. Who knows how much she knows about their affair? I triggered every time I saw her, and she sat right in front of us, but I forgot for a short time as hubby and I were called up in front if everyone to do this dance - hubby is president of the organization and they had to make fun of him a little. So, that was fun but then we ducked out early and met friends at a bar downtown which was LOTS of fun!

Then we watched the Intern yesterday and not was that triggery at the end. We didn't even have to say anything. We were sitting next to each other and he rubbed my back and I fell into him crying and we hugged.

(Let's just say the main character handled her spouses affair very differently than we did!) we had to pull ourselves together fast as our DD was coming over for supper and we did. And neither of us said anything. We rally didn't have to.

I want to ask him what sort of business relationship he has with this other woman. How does she remember him? Do they talk about OW2? But I'm just too tired. It would be interpreted as an accusation. And im tired of having to defend myself. Nor do I know if it matters. But it sucks.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

You would not necessarily be wrong in asking. While I am not a WS, actually a BS, it would take the string out of the moment if you start the conversation by cuddling. For me that is very reassuring.

 

It is often mentioned that the WS needs to do the heavy lifting. True because the BS has to much on their plate to be able to, such as your question. You both need to make each other feel safe with the WS leading the way.

[understand50]

katielee,

 

Time does help, things are getting better, and I am glad for you. Triggers, in some way, help and hurt us moving along with our reconciliation. I am glad you are seeing them for what they are, just memories, that can be handled by you and faced down.

 

Bravo.

 

As Always I wish you luck.

[katielee]

Grrrr.

I'm having a growly day. I'm going to talk to him about it.

I'm pissed I have to see this woman. I'm pissed she knows who we are. It's not fair I walk into an event and the first person I see triggers me and she greets me. FTS.

[understand50]

Grrrr.

I'm having a growly day. I'm going to talk to him about it.

I'm pissed I have to see this woman. I'm pissed she knows who we are. It's not fair I walk into an event and the first person I see triggers me and she greets me. FTS.

 

OK, Fair enough, Pain in the ass. All I would suggest, is to realize that these things will happen until you guys retire and move away. Look upon them as some unpleasant job and must be done. I also, suggest, that you and your husband being happy and not giving her the time of day, is a good clean COLD revenge. She did not win, you did. (and of course your husband came out good, because he is still with the lovely and strong YOU!). See this as a opportunity, show what you both are now, and will be.

 

Katielee, maybe I am off base, tell me now, but your a strong woman, you can do this and turn it around to your benefit. I only wish the best for you.

 

Good luck.

[katielee]

I AM strong but I occasionally want to say FTS and FTG. I did well this weekend. I just want him to know I have to work hard sometimes.

[understand50]

I AM strong but I occasionally want to say FTS and FTG. I did well this weekend. I just want him to know I have to work hard sometimes.

 

Again, Fair enough.

[katielee]

I'm so very tired of this crap.

Hubby came home and said he was late because he stopped at the "Expo." this is the place where he met OW2 and that she helps put together. He saw my friend there, said hi, did a ribbon cutting and left.

 

I said, but.... why did you even go there? You know she would probably be there? He said he didn't see anyone and he did the ribbon cutting and left.

 

I said but you know how triggery that is for me. You haven't gone to that in three years. He said but there there was a ribbon cutting and there are certain things I have to do for my job. (You can imagine how THAT made me feel.) He said he went in, made an appearance and left. I said ok, why didn't we talk about this BEFORE you went. I said If I went to a conference where I met OM that I knew he put together and told you after the fact, wouldn't you be pissed. He said yes, he would have been pissed.

 

Then, we went on about how he isn't doing all the business events he's supposed to and how some are for just the bankers and not the spouses and is he supposed to tell me everything? I said I don't care where you go except 1) if there is alcohol in mixed company. 2) if either OW has been known to be at an event. THen we should TALK about it before hand.

 

I'm freaking livid. The begging for forgiveness (which he never really did) instead of asking for permission (could we just have a talk about it?).

FML.

 

 

I feel.. manipulated. pissed. told him I'm tired of doing all the work in the marriage. He said don't you think it's sad that you can never go to a hotel with your girlfriends or stay overnight at a conference? I said no. That is NO SKIN off my back. He said it was sad that I couldn't go. ... trying to make some point I guess. Totally lost on the fact that I didn't have an affair at a hotel, I was freaking raped.

 

I don't know what to do. Royally pissed. How does someone THINK THAT GOING TO THE EXPO WOULD BE OK! Without us talking about it!

[Ladyjane14]

There comes a point at which you just have to put yourself out there, even when you're not feeling the trust, and act like you do. Confidence is attractive. You're a strong, smart, sexy woman... who will kick his ass to the curb if he puts a foot out of place. When YOU believe it, so will he.

 

So, think about how you would have liked this situation to play out rather than the way it did. Then calmly let him know how to please you. Serenity is best. It keeps people off balance.

[katielee]

This isn't a question of trust. It's communication. He purposely didn't tell me.

We've had the conversation of how it should go. He neglected to follow the script. Wanna change the script? Fine. But let's talk about it first.

[xxoo]

He rebels in response to feeling controlled.

[katielee]

He rebels in response to feeling controlled.

 

Really? The ONE place I don't want him to go to? And he goes everywhere else? He can't manage to not go one place?

[xxoo]

Really? The ONE place I don't want him to go to? And he goes everywhere else? He can't manage to not go one place?

 

I'm not defending him.

 

But the solution is getting on the same side and him wanting to tell you he is going there. As it is now, you're his keeper. You can't control him, clearly.

[katielee]

Funny I thought we WERE on the same side.

Not sure how to get there.

[xxoo]

Funny I thought we WERE on the same side.

Not sure how to get there.

 

That's exactly what I'd tell him, with care, concern, and strength. Be in control of yourself, and do not try to control him. Put that firmly on him. Tell him you expected more.

[MJJean]

I feel.. manipulated. pissed. told him I'm tired of doing all the work in the marriage. He said don't you think it's sad that you can never go to a hotel with your girlfriends or stay overnight at a conference? I said no. That is NO SKIN off my back. He said it was sad that I couldn't go. ... trying to make some point I guess. Totally lost on the fact that I didn't have an affair at a hotel, I was freaking raped.

 

I don't know what to do. Royally pissed. How does someone THINK THAT GOING TO THE EXPO WOULD BE OK! Without us talking about it!

 

I don't agree with married people spending time in hotels unless it's required for their job. Does he really not understand that his infidelity has consequences such as somewhat stricter rules and regulations?

 

If you made your feelings on the matter clear before, I can't help but think he knew going to the Expo wouldn't be ok with you. And he decided not to tell you about it until afterward.

 

I'd be absolutely furious, too, if I were in your situation.

[Joie]

I am so sorry this happened. I wouldn't even call it a trigger. He was flat out disrespectful to you. I agree he changed the script without even consulting you first. Unilaterally he made a decision to do what he wanted and ask for forgiveness later.

 

You are not wrong and you are not overreacting. It is not unreasonable for him to let you know that he was going to the ribbon cutting. If it was something he had to do for work then the two of you could have discussed it and came up with ways to make you comfortable that work for you both.

 

Hugs.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so so very sorry. Huge hugs! It's this kind of childish crap that drives me crazy!!!

[Clay]

It sounds like he really was only thinking about himself when he chose to do that. I am sorry you are suffering. I know its not easy.

 

 

C

[road]

You know, he we are, going along quite nicely and bu!!***** that doesn't need to happen pisses me off.

Maybe people here know hubby decided to film a commercial for a friend. I was not happy about it but said, whatever. He got a lot of grief about it - kidding from friends - and I just kind of had to go along with it. I hated that he was now in the living rooms of his OW (I'm sure they've seen it) and maybe their BS's were pissed his suddenly showed up like that.

But, whatever. his life. if he doesnt' want to have empathy then it's his deal.

This is not a decision I would make. That is why I am having trouble understanding it.

However, I think the commercial ran it's course (and I was glad) until today, I'm getting my hair done and my hairdresser says, "I stuck up for your marriage the other day. My girlfriends and I were at a sports bar and your husband's commercial came on and they were like, "who is that?" impressed with his looks and whatever.

It just triggered the heck out of me. I wish he was an ugly fat ogre. I hate that he's good looking.. and it didn't NEED to happen. That's my thought. I wouldn't do this. Why are you? Do you still need validation?

 

I had to hold myself together. We have a great night planned for a movie. And all I can think is, this is not fair. Why are you making this harder for me? I wouldnt' do that to you.

 

cripes almighty.

 

What commercial?

 

 

What was it's purpose?

[katielee]

I would really like to have a new thread on this but...

 

I think he called a divorce lawyer yesterday. Left a message, said to disregard it later and then they talked for several minutes...

I don't know what I did wrong except call him on his *****.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I suggest you call a lawyer as well.

 

Katielee...I am sorry you are still suffering...