Whoknew30 Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 My sister is 50... Things were very different than they are now. Documents are sealed.... There was contact between adoptive parents and biological parents... I am the one who supplied my sister with a name. It was strange ... Johns parents were dear friends of my sisters biological grandparents ... We put all the pieces together and the baby their daughter gave up was my sister. But I understand what you are saying and that's why I am torn... But my sisters adoption has its own twists and turns... And this situation while very different still touches me deeply. The basics are still that this daughter may one day need to know who her biological father is. So is it fair to keep it from her? None of its fair or will ever be fair. She took it too far & this situation has no chance of turning out fair for anyone. What if she finds her dad & he wants nothing to do with her & she loses both fathers all together? What if he comes in & takes the rights of the man that raised her. What if the real father splits custody with her mom? Not one way this pans out is fair to anyone. That's my point why would one out their child in such a unknown position? Your sister had parents & another family if it had not worked out, this girl does not. She has one mom that is severely off & broken. I understand going one way or the other while pregnant & scared but at this point is let fate handle it. If it comes out on its on it will be no better or worse than what she's about to do & IMO then it was meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 How did you do a dna test without your husband knowing? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 None of its fair or will ever be fair. She took it too far & this situation has no chance of turning out fair for anyone. What if she finds her dad & he wants nothing to do with her & she loses both fathers all together? What if he comes in & takes the rights of the man that raised her. What if the real father splits custody with her mom? Not one way this pans out is fair to anyone. That's my point why would one out their child in such a unknown position? Your sister had parents & another family if it had not worked out, this girl does not. She has one mom that is severely off & broken. I understand going one way or the other while pregnant & scared but at this point is let fate handle it. If it comes out on its on it will be no better or worse than what she's about to do & IMO then it was meant to be. I absolutely agree....and I am really glad I am not the one making this decision. My sister would never have lost my parents...but her mother could have rejected her....and her biological father did. Her biological mom gave her his name...so she contacted him as well. She knows she has a half sister on that side. This young lady may lose both fathers...but she will always have her mom. She may be angry with her mom....it may take her a while to figure it all out...but her mom will be there for her. Lots of kids only have a mom.....lots of kids only have a dad. The legal Father of this girl...may not give a crap....he may divorce her mom...but he may still want his legal daughter. None of it is fair...and unfortunately there is much that could be lost. I cannot advise this woman...I don't know what to tell her. But this case is exactly why i think disclosure is always the best answer when someone has an affair. There are other threads going on here...the waywards don't want to disclose....and there are those who encouraging them to remain silent. This case shows you what secrecy can do......Is it better to hurt the betrayed early on....or wait and tell years later? Sad....really really sad 3 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 (edited) This is LS at its finest. The never ending battle between truth and lies. What is overlooked, is that she decided to have no more children, because of the sin of the past. A consequence that the innocent must also bear. Adding loss to indignity. This must end. Of course some suggest, you swallow this thought, lie and start popping out children. Speaking of indignities, The speculation that the Husband will turn into a monster. Playing on fear. Get a restraining order. Call the cops. He might hurt or kill the daughter. Dont let him be alone with her. WOW. What is ironic, is you have MEN who have been or could have been effected by something similar, and their advice is how to SAVE your family. How to talk to him. How to make it thru your tomorrows. Since some have suggested the worst, I will suggest the possible. The irony is, that what is suggested might destroy you, might save you. Your daughter. His child. He is going to want to see her. To claim her. Permanently. If he does, do not insult him by suggesting anything that resembles he is not the father. Restraining order? WTF You should prepare for war. But the war should be to save your marriage and family. You made the decision. You have good things on your side. His daughter and your fidelity since. Have faith in honesty. Have faith in the Dad, the father, the Man who raised her. You can do this. Do not live in fear and lies. Look him in the eye and tell him the truth. Edit. The feeling is mutual. Edited June 3, 2016 by 66Charger 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 So I let my husband think he was the father, and I never bothered telling the real father. I kept this all to myself. My thinking was he would find out someday and I would deal with it then. I am now 32 now, and our child is 6. So far no one has found out or thinks anything. Most people think they look just like each other. People my husband include think we are one happy family which we are but only one built on lies and deceit. We only ever ended up having one child. We both wanted to have more kids. Recently my husband asking when we can start trying for another child. Because he knows I’ve always wanted more children. Even though I really want, a part can't bring another child into the mess I created. Your husband deserves to have a child that is biologically his. You should not rob him of that. You also "can't bring another child into the mess". You must tell him now if you are to have even a small chance at regaining your soul. On the practical side, the more time that goes by without telling him, the more of a betrayal that this will become, and the weaker your odds of growing old together. Actually if you tell him now, his love for the daughter may make it such that he will not want anyone else to know, so he may stay in the marriage at first for the child if nothing else. This will give you time to earn his forgiveness, especially if you then give him a biologic child of his own, without deceit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 Our Father , who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 Did you tell H? If not, have you decided how to tell him? I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 I'll bump this up as a further reminder and to denote the point at which I took a look at the content and a couple posts expressing confusion over the title and edited the thread title. Additionally, since this is an old and long thread and the starter hasn't been around for awhile, I'll close it temporarily to discussion unless and until they return and request the thread reopened. Thanks for input and have a pleasant weekend. Folks, I noticed a couple of our other moderators worked this thread and did some sanctions and moderation due to violations of our guidelines so, in order to prevent more of the same, I'll offer some content from the latest update and direct members to move forward on that: "I'm going to tell, I've already decided to tell him before i started posting." "My reason for posting was one to get kinda of a understanding of what I wanted to do was the the right thing, I didn't think such a split though and to just to tell someone; I've only told one other person about this." "As for my daughter I feel she is to young right now for me to tell her any of this. I doubt she would be able to understand any of this at her current age. One day maybe but definitely not now. Also it will depend on how my husband feels about the whole situation. " Please move forward with this content and discuss within our guidelines of interaction. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate84 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Share Posted June 16, 2016 I have finally told my husband about the cheating and our daughter last Friday. I decided to tell him on my own and it looks like it was the right way to do it. It didn't go as bad as I thought it would go since he is still here with us. We did talk a lot about over the first couple of days but we haven’t really talked about lately. He hasn't come out and said he's not leaving so that's still as a possibility, but right now he is still here and willing to continue going to marriage counseling. I on the other hand, I am pretty much heart broken. I believed he had no idea about the night I cheated. I was wrong, he has known. He found out about it a few more months after it happened so he’s known along. I also he might have known about our daughter not being his. I don’t know for sure, but I think he as and maybe that’s why he hasn’t left or maybe he didn’t. I haven’t really asked him yet, he doesn’t about anymore until we see our counselor. We have another appointment with our marriage counselor this Friday so we will talk more about when we see him. Things haven’t really changed between us yet. We still have been doing things together and as a family like we would normally would. My husband still seems pretty happy I don’t if that’s a good thing or not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Good for you, Kate. I'm proud of you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I try to tell WW's here all the time that they don't go undetected. The thing in their favor is the male ego and desire to avoid emotional situations, not stupidity. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Good for you Some of the advice you were given was how to survive this, not just how to end the marriage. Your husband may be happy, because you finally confessed. As long as he stays, you have a opportunity to right your wrongs and change the future. Be 100% sure of what you want, and do your best to acheive it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PennyP Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Does the OM know he is the father? If so, has he expressed an interest in spending time with his daughter? If he does not know or has not expressed an interest in his child I would not tell the father or your daughter. This is something I think you should live with and take to your grave. If something comes up medically or down the line deal with it then. Yes, biologically he is not the father but he is her dad. Do not make your family life miserable. Keep your family happy. I suggest you do not say anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate84 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Share Posted June 16, 2016 Good for you Some of the advice you were given was how to survive this, not just how to end the marriage. Your husband may be happy, because you finally confessed. As long as he stays, you have a opportunity to right your wrongs and change the future. Be 100% sure of what you want, and do your best to acheive it. I agree with you 100% as longs he stays I have a chance to fix all of the damage I’ve caused. I never wanted anything more then to be with him and as long as I have chance I’m going to do everything I can to make sure it does workout. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
PennyP Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I just read you told your husband about your daughter. It seems that everything is going well. I wish you the best Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I agree with you 100% as longs he stays I have a chance to fix all of the damage I’ve caused. I never wanted anything more then to be with him and as long as I have chance I’m going to do everything I can to make sure it does workout. There's a chance your relationship may emerge from this crisis stronger than before. Keep posting, interested in your progress... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Good for you for telling him. I would just work hard on being as open with him as possible. He is going to need you more now than ever. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnamonstix Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Good for you for telling him. Though, I do find it strange he isn't as upset as expected and has known all along that you cheated on him. It would make me wonder if he too, has cheated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Kate, you absolutely did the right thing. This was a 7 year test by your husband and you passed. My guess is he has been holding back from you in some area's as he's been aware of your infidelity, by going to him on your own you just earned huge trust points back. It took great courage to risk your marriage the way you did so he could know the truth, he knows this. Just my opinion but I think you just saved your marriage and I think another child is in your near future. Good for you Kate. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Yea Kate, you did the right thing but in my humble opinion, the fuse is lit. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 If he knew all along about this cheating, and suspected about his daughter then he has had a while to process it - at least partially. Now that its in the open and forefront he may however have to process it openly. Are you going to share this information with the child someday? or the other man/ bio dad ? Do you think your BH would like another child now ? I think more is to come. But its a weight off your shoulders. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate84 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Share Posted June 17, 2016 If he knew all along about this cheating, and suspected about his daughter then he has had a while to process it - at least partially. Now that its in the open and forefront he may however have to process it openly. Are you going to share this information with the child someday? or the other man/ bio dad ? Do you think your BH would like another child now ? I think more is to come. But its a weight off your shoulders. We haven't discussed this yet. I won't do anything with asking my husband first and see what he wants to do. I would prefer that we don't tell anyone. I would definitely like to have another child. I would like a big family maybe two more. I know my husband wants more kids. He's ask on multiple occasions for us to try. But right my main goal is to rebuild our marriage. After we have done that we can think about everything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 I have finally told my husband about the cheating and our daughter last Friday. I decided to tell him on my own and it looks like it was the right way to do it. It didn't go as bad as I thought it would go since he is still here with us. We did talk a lot about over the first couple of days but we haven’t really talked about lately. He hasn't come out and said he's not leaving so that's still as a possibility, but right now he is still here and willing to continue going to marriage counseling. I on the other hand, I am pretty much heart broken. I believed he had no idea about the night I cheated. I was wrong, he has known. He found out about it a few more months after it happened so he’s known along. I also he might have known about our daughter not being his. I don’t know for sure, but I think he as and maybe that’s why he hasn’t left or maybe he didn’t. I haven’t really asked him yet, he doesn’t about anymore until we see our counselor. We have another appointment with our marriage counselor this Friday so we will talk more about when we see him. Things haven’t really changed between us yet. We still have been doing things together and as a family like we would normally would. My husband still seems pretty happy I don’t if that’s a good thing or not. Okay, just because he said he knew doesn't mean that he good. He may still blow his stack. Because even though he knew, your confession made it real. So, if he blows, let him. Just as long as he isn't physical with you, let him vent. And he may say some pretty vile stuff. Let him. He's probably been bottling up a LOT of pain. And he wants you to understand just how much pain you've caused by making you hurt. That's all it is. So, just keep that in mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 I am happy for you Katie. Wish you and your husband the best with MC. I know this had to be really hard on you, but the best things in life do not come easy. Did your husband say how he found out? Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Your thread is testimony to why self-incrimination is so important. A WS gets to start the nasty business of the affair fallout, from a position of being honest (even if somewhat honest) as opposed to being a liar. You have a pretty good read on things, meaning you seem prepared for a variety of other issues/questions coming your way. I wish you well on your journey. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts