Cheated, had another mans child; [tell] my husband? [update 2016-06-16]

[66Charger]

Some of the posters are obviously not DADS and especially not Dads of daughters. I remember my daughter at 6. Leaving my daughter under any circumstances, is hard to fathom, and I am hardline.

 

The 6 years of not telling him will probaly be your hardest hurdle.

 

Make sure you are prepared to survive. Do the research. Be prepared for every question and speak from your heart. With the hurt, comes the healing.

 

A sincere prayer for your family

Edited June 2, 2016 by 66Charger

[Clay]

I think alive is right. Do this at the counselors office. The calmer you can do the the better you are off. I would do it with complete humility and not place any blame on him for anything.

 

I know there is a chance he might leave and walk out of you and your daughters life but know even if that does happen your child is still better off knowing the truth. These are not the kind of secrets you want popping back up later on in life.

 

I hope all goes well.

 

C

[Whoknew30]

I know I haven't posted in awhile, nothing has happened yet so that's partly why I haven't posted an update. I still haven't told my husband yet but I plan on doing it this Week maybe this Friday. He's only been living with us full time for a little over a two weeks now he really hasn't been around for me to tell him something like this. I have set up marriage counseling for the both of us. We had our first session last Thursday. Next one is this Friday. He's still a little hesitant on going, he doesn't believe we need it. He doesn't know the full reason why we're going yet.

 

So far I like our counselor he seems to really know what's he's doing. He's also helping me find a counselor for my daughter. The only thing we haven't agreed on is how to tell my husband. He thinks it would be better the tell him on my own without anyone else being involved. I thought it would be best to my husband with him the counselor being involved. Many of you guys also thought that was the right away to go about. So I still have to figure that out.

 

Thanks for checking it really does mean a lot. I promise to keep you guys updated

 

I know I'm going to get slammed for this but I don't care...I would NEVER tell this long after the fact. You should have told while pregnant. The act of an A is selfish enough (which I done it too) but it keeps going...bc of your guilt all this time later you're still really only worried about your own feelings. My kids are my biggest priority & if I had to live in guilt for their comfort bc of my own doing, I would. Now if you aren't happy & want a divorce, I can see that but to ruin your daughter's life bc of your mistake, people can say the truth is the "best" thing but I've seen it blow up. One of my mom's best friends thought her nephew wasn't her brother's & wouldn't let it go, so they finally did a DNA test & it wasn't his son. She till this day hasn't forgiven herself, the parents got divorced, the brother left & that kid killed himself (I used to babysit him) last year at the age of 19, in his aunt's house that pushed it. The brother said he wished he had never known.

 

Kids are innocent, you've already did what you did maybe the guilt is your penance for your mistakes but don't put your own issues in front of your family again. How you've planned this all out kind of says you're still selfish, how you're going to tell your H how the divorce will go. It's one thing to do the right thing bc it's what's best for everyone, it's another to destroy your child bc of guilt. Divorce can be difficult but kids still have both parents, what you're about to do isn't just to yourself, it's to your child. I know the husband has the right to know but my kids come before anyone & all this time later they would become before my guilt & husband especially if they're happy. I'd eat my guilt as my consequence.

 

Good luck & lots of prayers

[dichotomy]

I think alive is right. Do this at the counselors office. The calmer you can do the the better you are off. I would do it with complete humility and not place any blame on him for anything.

 

I know there is a chance he might leave and walk out of you and your daughters life but know even if that does happen your child is still better off knowing the truth. These are not the kind of secrets you want popping back up later on in life.

 

I hope all goes well.

 

C

 

 

Honestly I would be prepared for this happening the moment you told him - legally (have lawyer ready for divorce, restraining order and more) also be prepared practically (like safe housing for you and your daughter), and money set aside and prized processions secured off site, and more. Prepare for WWIII - nuclear bomb that night you tell him. heck I would even ask a friend or family member to take your child away somewhere for a sleep over for a few days, and be waiting in the parking lot to drive you away separately rather than be in a car with him after you tell him.

 

The hurt, the rage, the tears - heck he may simply want to run away for a while in shock and devastation and hurt - let him do that if he wants - but have some where for you to stay other than your place.

 

If he wants to see "his daughter" afterwards - I would consider having one or two other people present nearby.

 

I am so sorry for you husband - SO SORRY -what you did was so horrible - everyone is going to be emotionally upset - but at this point you and your daughter should be safe.

Edited June 2, 2016 by dichotomy

[Clay]

While I agree there could be the possiblility of a extreme reaction I wouldnt be ready to have the cops on hand. I think if she relays this information to him in the calmest possible way. If there is a fear or threat of violence should could write it in a letter and have him read it at the counseling appointment. I doubt seriously he is going to attack a counselor.

 

 

No doubt he might actually leave but understand while he will be hurt he will still love the child. I think if she does this in a very sincere way there might be a chance he might want to stay in the child's life. Sure there marriage might be over with but we are all just speculating. There are couples on other sites helping to raise children from affairs so I know its possible he might want to continue his interaction with her child.

 

It is horrible she didn't tell him sooner and honestly there should be a law in place for this kind of fraud but there is not so for now all she can do is start being honest as of now and deal with the consequences of her actions. Right now this is about the child's well being. If she drags this out longer she is only going to hurt her child more once the truth does come out.

 

I commend her for at least making he decision to own up to this.

 

C

[dichotomy]

I wonder - what rights does he have with the child ? Is he legally the father ? I guess only a lawyer would say.

 

What is going to be said to the child now ? Could he - in a moment of grief say something he regrets to the child? Should he have some time to process before being allowed to talk to the child?

 

Does the child have a therapist ready to work with?

 

You never know how anyone is going to react to betrayal of this magnitude.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Honestly.. I don't have a clue what I would do in your situation. Part of me thinks you owe them both the truth... And part me thinks it might destroy them.

 

The only way I can relate to this is that my only sister is adopted. My parents always told my sister the truth.

 

As an adult my sister searched secretly for her birth mother. Now my mom is still her mom... But her birth mother is her friend.

 

I keep thinking what would your daughter want... Would she be like my sister and search for her father? Would she be angry with you for not giving her that chance?

 

I can tell you she will still love your husband of that I am sure...

And there is a real part of me that says he loves her and will still do so. There are men here that have unfortunately been in this situation...and I think each of them would still want to know the truth... Even though some have not only lost their wife... They lost their child.

 

My heart breaks for you because I know how hard this must be for you... But it also breaks for your husband and your child...

 

Sometimes life just sucks...

[Whoknew30]

While I agree there could be the possiblility of a extreme reaction I wouldnt be ready to have the cops on hand. I think if she relays this information to him in the calmest possible way. If there is a fear or threat of violence should could write it in a letter and have him read it at the counseling appointment. I doubt seriously he is going to attack a counselor.

 

 

No doubt he might actually leave but understand while he will be hurt he will still love the child. I think if she does this in a very sincere way there might be a chance he might want to stay in the child's life. Sure there marriage might be over with but we are all just speculating. There are couples on other sites helping to raise children from affairs so I know its possible he might want to continue his interaction with her child.

 

It is horrible she didn't tell him sooner and honestly there should be a law in place for this kind of fraud but there is not so for now all she can do is start being honest as of now and deal with the consequences of her actions. Right now this is about the child's well being. If she drags this out longer she is only going to hurt her child more once the truth does come out.

 

I commend her for at least making he decision to own up to this.

 

C

 

Sometimes the extreme consequence doesn't come until years later, they told that kid at 7. He never recovered, he felt rejection from his "dad" & turned to drugs then sucide. His funeral was the saddest thing ever, with the mother, dad & aunt just lost. It completely destroyed them. I agree there should be a law bc she had the DNA test done, for what? What's the point to do that & keep it to yourself after 6 years.

 

I'd agree that telling is the best thing, if she was doing it for the actual right reasons. On here, it's all about her, her guilt, how she'll "allow" him a easy divorce. This seems to be only about her guilt, not for a greater cause for her daughter or husband. If it was for the greater cause it wouldn't take 6 years after a DNA test...she would have told right then.

 

As for in a councilor's office, that would piss me off as her husband. I wouldn't want anyone there while hearing something like that. Like I said it's all about her & how she wants to do it. We don't know him, is he private, maybe he won't want anyone to know. What she should do, is tell him some kind of similar story to see his take on it, then she'd at know what he thinks...at least that would be something actually coming from him vs what she thinks is best.

[OneLov]

I wonder - what rights does he have with the child ? Is he legally the father ? I guess only a lawyer would say.

 

 

Yes, he is the father. He has same rights as any legal parent/guardian.

[Clay]

Sometimes the extreme consequence doesn't come until years later, they told that kid at 7. He never recovered, he felt rejection from his "dad" & turned to drugs then sucide. His funeral was the saddest thing ever, with the mother, dad & aunt just lost. It completely destroyed them. I agree there should be a law bc she had the DNA test done, for what? What's the point to do that & keep it to yourself after 6 years.

 

I'd agree that telling is the best thing, if she was doing it for the actual right reasons. On here, it's all about her, her guilt, how she'll "allow" him a easy divorce. This seems to be only about her guilt, not for a greater cause for her daughter or husband. If it was for the greater cause it wouldn't take 6 years after a DNA test...she would have told right then.

 

As for in a councilor's office, that would piss me off as her husband. I wouldn't want anyone there while hearing something like that. Like I said it's all about her & how she wants to do it. We don't know him, is he private, maybe he won't want anyone to know. What she should do, is tell him some kind of similar story to see his take on it, then she'd at know what he thinks...at least that would be something actually coming from him vs what she thinks is best.

 

The truth always hurts. Its easier to lie and pretend it never did happen. No one expects this to be easy. Your right there is always the chance of things going badly down the road. The more Kate deals with this now and is open about it the better everyone will heal. I would get the child into counseling. I would set up other things to help the child move forward in the event the father does leave. Divorces happen all the time and children survive that. You would be amazed to just how many people walk away from their children and they still turn out ok as well. I think the more she asks for help at this point in time the better off her and the child will be.

[awkward]

I am sorry that you and your family have to deal with this. I thought I was always for honesty, but in this case I don't know. He will be destroyed when you tell him. I don't know how it would effect your daughter.

 

I know you already have your mind up to tell him. I wish you luck and peace for your husband. You are remorseful so I hope that your marriage will recover.

[drifter777]

Frankly, I see absolutely no reason for you to destroy your BH's life by telling him your horrible secret. No reason at all.

 

But it seems you've decided to tell him anyway and there is no good way to tell him news like this. In a counselors office, at home, in church, in a house, with a mouse... Nothing can prepare a man for what you are going to tell him. I try to imagine how I would react and it scares me. I took my wife back after she cheated and I never imagined I would do that so whatever I think my reaction would be is probably not what would happen.

 

I don't think there is any way for you to prepare yourself for his reaction because it is probably going to be much, much worse than you anticipate. As for the child, he's her dad and it's very likely nothing will change in the way he feels about her. As for you - it could be very bad.

 

I urge you to take this awful secret to your grave. He doesn't need to know.

[Whoknew30]

The truth always hurts. Its easier to lie and pretend it never did happen. No one expects this to be easy. Your right there is always the chance of things going badly down the road. The more Kate deals with this now and is open about it the better everyone will heal. I would get the child into counseling. I would set up other things to help the child move forward in the event the father does leave. Divorces happen all the time and children survive that. You would be amazed to just how many people walk away from their children and they still turn out ok as well. I think the more she asks for help at this point in time the better off her and the child will be.

 

Divorce is a completely different thing. Most of the time both parents are still there. This child has a possibility of losing not one but 2 fathers & to grow up not trusting her mother....some mistakes just can not be undone or righted & if religious, true forgiveness comes from God, not the human you hurt. Why do you think in AA it tells people not to make amends if it would hurt them. I just think some hurts, you keep to yourself not to continue the hurting.

[Sub]

I urge you to take this awful secret to your grave. He doesn't need to know.

 

I can see the points to not telling. But one question I would have: can the OP be fully focused, be the mother and wife she needs to be, carrying this massive secret around for what could amount to decades? Will she be distracted at times? Depressed? Angry? All of which could effect her relationships with her H and kid(s). Does she have to get counseling, and then lie about why she's there? I don't know the answer, but I don't necessarily think her telling is about alleviating her guilt. I'm going to assume she'll feel some level of guilt forever. And God forbid they find out some other way.

[Mrs. John Adams]

One of the reasons my sister wanted to find her birth mother was for medical reasons . you never know when I medical situation arises and you need a biological parent or sibling.

 

My sister has other siblings now that she never knew she had. They are also her friends.

 

Gosh I just don't know ... I see it both ways here...

[Whoknew30]

One of the reasons my sister wanted to find her birth mother was for medical reasons . you never know when I medical situation arises and you need a biological parent or sibling.

 

My sister has other siblings now that she never knew she had. They are also her friends.

 

Gosh I just don't know ... I see it both ways here...

 

In adoption all parties know what's going on & it's a happy occasion for the parents receiving the child they always wanted. She's taking that from the father, wether or not he continues to be her dad, it's still a major blow. In the case of adoption the adopting parents know there is a chance of the child looking for their biological parents. Now the dad that is raising her is maybe one day going to have to deal with the guy that banged his wife at birthday parties & graduations. It's all together completely different.

[Cinnamonstix]

Hi Kate,

 

I agree with your counsellor and another poster to tell your husband in private. Putting myself in your husband's shoes, I would feel humiliated and trapped to be told in the presence of another person and then have to ride home with my betrayer after all that. Your husband also might storm off during the session and leave you there to find your own way home.

 

By the way, why does your husband think you are in counselling now?

[OneLov]

OP,

 

You know your husband best. As you can see by the responses on this thread there are folks who would want to know and others who would not. What would be in your husband's best interest? Would he want to know? Or would he truly rather not?

 

But you must also ask yourself if you are able to honestly answer that question.

[drifter777]

I can see the points to not telling. But one question I would have: can the OP be fully focused, be the mother and wife she needs to be, carrying this massive secret around for what could amount to decades? Will she be distracted at times? Depressed? Angry? All of which could effect her relationships with her H and kid(s). Does she have to get counseling, and then lie about why she's there? I don't know the answer, but I don't necessarily think her telling is about alleviating her guilt. I'm going to assume she'll feel some level of guilt forever. And God forbid they find out some other way.

I believe she can move forward much, much easier if she doesn't tell him. I don't think OP has thought through the damage she is about to do to these people she supposedly loves. The child will learn about divorce and visitation and gain NOTHING positive. Her husband will be shattered and probably end up hating OP for the rest of his life. And OP will have the knowledge that she is the cause of all of this pain - twice. Once when she cheated and once again when she told BH. Relieving her guilt is no reason for her to tell him. OP can work in counseling to learn how to live with this and, in time, she won't think about it much. Silently carrying the guilt is her cross to bear and a sacrifice she should make for her husband and child. Telling now is a terribly selfish thing to do.

[Marc878]

You know him best but under these circumstances I'd tell him In the counsellors office alone. That way you do have some support if needed.

 

It's a wild card.

[Conviction]

I believe she can move forward much, much easier if she doesn't tell him. I don't think OP has thought through the damage she is about to do to these people she supposedly loves.The child will learn about divorce and visitation and gain NOTHING positive.Her husband will be shattered and probably end up hating OP for the rest of his life. And OP will have the knowledge that she is the cause of all of this pain - twice. Once when she cheated and once again when she told BH. Relieving her guilt is no reason for her to tell him. OP can work in counseling to learn how to live with this and, in time, she won't think about it much. Silently carrying the guilt is her cross to bear and a sacrifice she should make for her husband and child. Telling now is a terribly selfish thing to do.

False. So very false.

 

Your advising to just brush it under the rug and pretend like it didn't happen, this is wrong on so many levels. What happens when dad decides to get a DNA test done and finds out is not his? Not only are the problems there, but now they're compounded even further by her hiding it from him.

[Whoknew30]

I believe she can move forward much, much easier if she doesn't tell him. I don't think OP has thought through the damage she is about to do to these people she supposedly loves. The child will learn about divorce and visitation and gain NOTHING positive. Her husband will be shattered and probably end up hating OP for the rest of his life. And OP will have the knowledge that she is the cause of all of this pain - twice. Once when she cheated and once again when she told BH. Relieving her guilt is no reason for her to tell him. OP can work in counseling to learn how to live with this and, in time, she won't think about it much. Silently carrying the guilt is her cross to bear and a sacrifice she should make for her husband and child. Telling now is a terribly selfish thing to do.

 

Not including if the real father gets involved. What if the real father wants rights, bc of the DNA test if he wants them, he can get them & there isn't anything her husband could do about it. If she's going to tell the daughter, the daughter has every right to try & find him. So many scenarios & not one of them good, let's say the best situation is he stays with her & raises the daughter, he's going to hate her for a long time. I still don't understand the DNA test if she wasn't going to tell him right away though, I know people get scared but it's like she wants to hurt her family, over & over again. It's kind of odd, I get if it just came out but 6 years later? I wonder if there's more to this, like a reason to get away from her husband bc if she really loved him, she wouldn't want to spring this 6 years later or there's some kind of mental illness to not make her think clearly. Even in the case I know, it was the Aunt that wouldn't let it go, not the mother. I agree if she really loves them, she'd ask for forgiveness from God & suck it up. The day she tells & see her husband's face, is the day she'll know what true guilt is bc if she thinks she feels guilt now, wait till that moment. It will not be a relief, it's going to be 10 times worse the guilt she's feeling now.

[merrmeade]

Frankly, I see absolutely no reason for you to destroy your BH's life by telling him your horrible secret. No reason at all.

 

But it seems you've decided to tell him anyway and there is no good way to tell him news like this. In a counselors office, at home, in church, in a house, with a mouse... Nothing can prepare a man for what you are going to tell him. I try to imagine how I would react and it scares me. I took my wife back after she cheated and I never imagined I would do that so whatever I think my reaction would be is probably not what would happen.

 

I don't think there is any way for you to prepare yourself for his reaction because it is probably going to be much, much worse than you anticipate. As for the child, he's her dad and it's very likely nothing will change in the way he feels about her. As for you - it could be very bad.

 

I urge you to take this awful secret to your grave. He doesn't need to know.

I don't necessarily agree with the recommendation but "Like" the attempt to describe the unpredictability of the reactions.

[Mrs. John Adams]

In adoption all parties know what's going on & it's a happy occasion for the parents receiving the child they always wanted. She's taking that from the father, wether or not he continues to be her dad, it's still a major blow. In the case of adoption the adopting parents know there is a chance of the child looking for their biological parents. Now the dad that is raising her is maybe one day going to have to deal with the guy that banged his wife at birthday parties & graduations. It's all together completely different.

 

My sister is 50... Things were very different than they are now. Documents are sealed.... There was contact between adoptive parents and biological parents...

 

I am the one who supplied my sister with a name. It was strange ... Johns parents were dear friends of my sisters biological grandparents ... We put all the pieces together and the baby their daughter gave up was my sister.

 

But I understand what you are saying and that's why I am torn...

 

But my sisters adoption has its own twists and turns... And this situation while very different still touches me deeply.

 

The basics are still that this daughter may one day need to know who her biological father is.

 

So is it fair to keep it from her?

[merrmeade]

But to add another opinion to the list, I think, for me, truth wins out. I can see all the points to not telling for the sake of the child and BH. In fact, I can even see that, weighing all variables, there is more to lose than there is to potentially gain from telling - except for one thing: It's still a lie. I don't think they can ever be completely happy for that reason either. There will always be something wrong, something distracted, something guarded and false for OP that has to affect the marriage and family life.

 

But even otherwise, it's the right thing to do simply because it's the truth and the status quo is a lie.

 

I truly hope he focuses on the remorse and subsequent fealty of his wife following the indiscretion.