Cheated, had another mans child; [tell] my husband? [update 2016-06-16]

[Kissproof]

Tell him. The sooner the better. It will come out eventually. These days folks can check their dna through ancestry kits. My dad is 56 y/o and just found his dad is not only not the man he thought but an entirely different race. His mom died a couple of years ago. Its pitiful.

[usa1ah]

Tell him. The sooner the better. It will come out eventually. These days folks can check their dna through ancestry kits. My dad is 56 y/o and just found his dad is not only not the man he thought but an entirely different race. His mom died a couple of years ago. Its pitiful.

 

 

 

She already has.

[firemanq]

 

What about her real father? Don't you think he has a right to know he has a daughter?

 

.

 

As one who has been in your husbands shoes, the real father is the man who raised the child, who wiped her snotty nose, the one who held her when she got a boo-boo. Not the sperm donor who just got his rocks off.

 

 

And I have no sympathy for you, the cheating wife. I will reserve my sympathy for the child and the betrayed husband.

[NTV]

I will be honest, I skimmed through a lot of the other responses. I just wanted to add: thank you for telling your husband. I knew a man who found out something like this on his own... he killed himself. you did the right thing telling your husband, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

[aliveagain]

[]

 

Actually, I did live through such an experience and I gave my opinion based upon that experience, as harsh as it may have sounded, to help her and give her a chance at saving her marriage. I was in her husbands situation, he is a victim and so is their child, both are innocent. Honesty is absolutely the best option for a health relationship. We are not experts, never claimed to be but we all have experiences that we share with those that are lost and just going through the process. Our hope is to help them not make some of the mistakes that we made, they are going through enough pain. You don't have to be here.

Edited July 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted quote of banned member ~6

[lovey34]

Before I me my husband I used to work in modelling. But I gave it up when I married my husband. At the time it was causing too many problems in our relationship. So I give to be with him and for the most part I don't regret it. But anyway early into our marriage he was away a lot almost half the year he would be on the road and only pop in every couple of days. And I found myself alone almost all the time. During the time he was away I would continue to party with some friends. Some of them still worked in modelling. My husband never liked me hanging out with them because he knew what would happen during those parties but I was able to convince it wasn't what he thought.

 

 

At one of the parties, one of friends brought a new guy. Me and him really hit off he was sweet and good looking. I knew he would be trouble but I was kinda of drunk already. We continued hanging out for the rest of the night. We got completely drunk and high and we later we had sex. We both never remembered much of that night. I dint even know his full name at the time. I wasn’t told his full name till the next day. I was 26 at the time. And a month later I found out I was pregnant. My husband came home a couple days later so he had no reason to doubt that the baby was his but it isn’t his.

 

 

So I let my husband think he was the father, and I never bothered telling the real father. I kept this all to myself. My thinking was he would find out someday and I would deal with it then. I am now 32 now, and our child is 6. So far no one has found out or thinks anything. Most people think they look just like each other. People my husband include think we are one happy family which we are but only one built on lies and deceit. We only ever ended up having one child. We both wanted to have more kids. Recently my husband asking when we can start trying for another child. Because he knows I’ve always wanted more children. Even though I really want, a part can't bring another child into the mess I created. But anyway for almost 7 years since having my baby I have felt guilty for my actions and for what I'm doing to my husband and daughter. I never knew what to do at the time I still don’t know what to do. I know my husband have a right to know that the 6 year old girl he was been rising all of her life is not actually his biological child. He does everything for her, he was there so her birth, takes her to school, spends so much time with her, is basically a perfect father. And I don’t want my daughter to lose that. I don’t think she should have to suffer because of me. But I can’t keep pretending anymore. I really want my husband to be happy and for him to have the family he has always wanted. But I know he wouldn’t want that with me if he knew the kind of monster he married.

 

 

I know I am a bad person for doing this to him and my daughter. But I don’t know how to tell him. Should I even till him and try my best to make him happy. I mean he hasn’t found out yet so maybe he might never find out. And I think right now he Is truly happy and loves our daughter. And I know people won't believe me but I really do love him. I wish I could be person, wife and mother he thinks I am.

 

cheating always changes a relationship for the worst all the time, even if they choose to stay together. I have seen this happen all too many times. if you would like to stay married, don't tell him. (if you can live with this). not only would sit ruin you, your marriage and the child, but it would prevent you from ever going back. if you can live with the outcomes of trust issues, and your child possibly rebelling and seeking the father out later in life, and possibly divorce, then gof or it as it would be morally correct. ( I would do this, as most woman would). however if you would like to keep your husband sane, and the child from personal issues later in life, i would guard that secret with your life, even if you two split up.

 

all depends on what you want.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lovey, it seems you came in late and so have not read the post where the OP says that she has told her husband about her infidelity. Apparently her husband knew of her infidelity a short while after the incident occurred. His response so far had been muted but it is early days yet and he may still reach the anger stage a little later. However, what is working in favour of the OP is that he is still with her and is behaving normally with her and the child.

OP, what you did was both courageous and positive. There ate some discordant voices but you had best ignore them as they do not add anything positive to your situation and at this point of time you need as much positivity in your life. It is food for your soul. This is probably going to be a time for you to proceed with caution and fore thought. Your visit to the counsellor should be therapuetic. I do not have much to say except that you should stay strong and put your best foot forward to rebuild trust with your husband and show him that you are sincere and honest about reconciliation. My best wishes to you as you go forward and do keep posting as the good folk here have a lot of collective wisdom to offer you. Cheers.

[DKT3]

[],

 

I've shared bits and pieces of my story about my oldest son here, but I will go into a little more depth.

 

When I was a teenager very young, I had sex with a woman who was 6 or 7 years older. She became pregnant. My mom wanted to have her arrested, dad who is a retired homicide detective told her it was pointless she would only get a minimal punishment and it would make life tougher for the grandchild.

 

We (myself and parents) where very involved in his life. During his first two I started dating my now wife the bond they had was quick and amazing. Though at first she had to bribe him with a cookie to come to her.

 

His mother was always doing things to push the limits of the law. When he was two she got arrested, at which point my parents decided to gain custody. Once she got the summons to appear she marched over and bluntly announced I was not the father, DNA tests and several months later she was proven right.

 

To he credit she allowed me and my family to maintain a relationship with him.

 

Some years later again she was arrested, this time facing several years in prison. Again i and my then wife petitioned for custody and gained temporary custody 18 months depending on the mother complete a drug program.

 

She never showed for court, judge told her attorney he assume it to be a failed drug test and continued for 12 more months .

 

Eventually she got her stuff together and get back custody. Again she allowed us to maintain a relationship.

 

I've always been there for him, got his first car, paid for his education, gave him advice about women (most horrible advice). Recently he married a beautiful young lady and asked me to be his best man. He is my son, I don't need to share DNA.

 

I want the readers to take two things from my experience. 1) DNA doesn't make you a father, being a father makes you a father. 2) my wife still uses cookies to get him to visit.

Edited July 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted name of banned member ~6

[Robert]

Note from moderation: We have deleted a post from a previously banned disruptive poster in this thread, along with a half dozen responses to that member. I kept a couple responses that I felt added to the discussion.

 

Apologies for any confusion.

 

Carry on,

~6

 

Edited to add: The threadstarter has not been around in a few weeks so we'll close this up. If the threadstarter wishes that it be reopened, they can use the 'Alert Us' button on this post to request that. Thanks.

 

Edited July 7, 2016 by Robert

[Kate84]

Hi guys I know it's been a long time since my last post. I would like to answer a few questions and update everyone on what's been going on.

 

When my husband found his first reaction was to kick me out but he knew I would have no where to go. So he decided to stay quiet until the pregnancy was over. After our daughter was born he realized I was going to struggle he again decided to say quite until she was a little older. It's important to note he was a round for most of the time because of his [] career he was gone for the most part so he wasn't really involved for most part. There could be more but this is what he has told me and counselor doesn't believe the reason why he stayed matter. What matters is that he and wants to stay with me.

 

It feels like my husband and I been on a roller coaster since I told my husband about the cheating and our daughter. Most of the time things are still great and other days not so much. Even though he's know that she might not have been his bio daughter, me telling just made it all real to him. He also starting to second guess if I really do love him as I say I do. He's using things like me not wanting to have more kids as proof of that. I'm trying my best too show him I do love him and that I want us to work. Part me feels like he handling this a little too well. Maybe he's still trying to process everything. I know this is going to take time and we've only just started. I'm willing to do whatever it takes and I don't really care how long it takes. I do have a lot hope that we can make it through.

 

Whatever happens to us I know my daughter will always have her dad. He's made pretty clear to that he will not abandon her. So I will always be grateful for that.

Edited August 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Clay]

There are books out there that will help you. I believe one is how to help your spouse heal after the affair. You both need to get into counseling. You need to show him your willing to work on yourself to show and PROVE your a safe partner in the future. This is a huge question on betrayed spouses minds when they are trying to reconcile. Another thing is be completely open and honest about every. No passwords on phones no girls night out. No un explained time away from him. Does that sound like a prison to some degree yes it does. Its the prison you built. So now you need to show him your 100% for him. Show him lots of affection and attention. See right now you need to reinvest in your relationship with him. Not just your family with him but your One on One relationship with him. He is going to continue to have his emotions all over the place but all you can do is continue to apologize and be supportive of him. The more you show your really there the better it will be for the both of you in the long run.

 

Don't expect this to be over with in a year. It takes up to 5 years for some people to just start getting passed this. Hopefully you can make this work and you go on to live a happy and wonderful life with him.

 

C

[merrmeade]

Awesome post, Clay

[Jersey born raised]

Part of being a remorseful spouse is learning on your own what the BS is going though. For example what are triggers, what may cause your spouse to trigger. Knowing an outburst may be a stalking horse to a trigger. Arguing snd responding to what the outburst was about misses the deeper trigger that needs to dealt with. Knowing and accepting triggers will occur twenty, thirty, fortry years in the future. Knowing that accepting them is not enough, triggers in part are a cry for ressurance and comfort so developing coping mechanisms.

 

I sometimes compare this to doing something stupid that causes permant physical harm to your spouse. Your role as the spouse is to help them (with out wounding their sense of self worth) cope with the new limitations.

 

Learning about mind movies and all the rest of the trauma a BS goes though, all the while insisting that BS treat the WS with respect. Yes respect. See the thread on the BS responsiblities. A part of marriage is based on mutual respect. Without it there is no true reconcilation. Which is why reconcilation is never fair to the BS.

[Jersey born raised]

Before anyone goes nuts note I closed by saying

 

RECONCILIATION IS NEVER FAIR TO THE BS.

[merrmeade]

See the thread on the BS responsiblities. A part of marriage is based on mutual respect.

That's not much in the way of directions to said thread.

[sandylee1]

Kate,

 

If your husband wants a child with you, knowing you've cheated and that your daughter isn't his biologically, then I think you should have a child. If it were me in your position, I'd feel grateful he had stayed and actually wants to have a child with me. It shows he's not planning to leave you anytime soon. For him to have said nothing shows a great deal of love for you.

[drifter777]

I wouldn't be quite so confident and cocky that your husband won't walk out on you over this. Every time he sees that baby he will picture you in bed with another man - and that can ruin a man.

 

Get a job and be able to care for yourself and your daughter without your BH. I believe you will cheat again, get caught, and this time he'll dump you.

Edited August 19, 2016 by drifter777

[road]

Kate,

 

If your husband wants a child with you, knowing you've cheated and that your daughter isn't his biologically, then I think you should have a child. If it were me in your position, I'd feel grateful he had stayed and actually wants to have a child with me. It shows he's not planning to leave you anytime soon. For him to have said nothing shows a great deal of love for you.

 

 

Talk about denying the BH what the WW freely gave the OM.

[sandylee1]

Talk about denying the BH what the WW freely gave the OM.

 

Absolutely. In fact the refusal to have a child is what would make me leave if I were the husband.

[Cephalopod]

Where did she say that? I must have glossed over that part.

 

Why wouldn't she want to have kids with him?

[BettyDraper]

Hi guys I know it's been a long time since my last post. I would like to answer a few questions and update everyone on what's been going on.

 

When my husband found his first reaction was to kick me out but he knew I would have no where to go. So he decided to stay quiet until the pregnancy was over. After our daughter was born he realized I was going to struggle he again decided to say quite until she was a little older. It's important to note he was a round for most of the time because of his [] career he was gone for the most part so he wasn't really involved for most part. There could be more but this is what he has told me and counselor doesn't believe the reason why he stayed matter. What matters is that he and wants to stay with me.

 

It feels like my husband and I been on a roller coaster since I told my husband about the cheating and our daughter. Most of the time things are still great and other days not so much. Even though he's know that she might not have been his bio daughter, me telling just made it all real to him. He also starting to second guess if I really do love him as I say I do. He's using things like me not wanting to have more kids as proof of that. I'm trying my best too show him I do love him and that I want us to work. Part me feels like he handling this a little too well. Maybe he's still trying to process everything. I know this is going to take time and we've only just started. I'm willing to do whatever it takes and I don't really care how long it takes. I do have a lot hope that we can make it through.

 

Whatever happens to us I know my daughter will always have her dad. He's made pretty clear to that he will not abandon her. So I will always be grateful for that.

 

My guess is that your husband wants another child to strengthen your marriage after the betrayal.

He wants a biological child with you to feel like a man and have a living symbol of your love for him.

 

I don't blame him for feeling this way and I think giving your husband a biological child would be a beautiful way of showing how much you want to be with him. I'm glad you're grateful that he's staying because many men would not have responded to this situation the way your husband did.

[oldlion]

Kate84,

 

I want you to get a movie titled "Chaos Theory" starring Ryan Reynolds. It is almost exactly like your situation and ends with a very good answer. Check it out first and see if it would help you and your husband. Then show it to him.

I wish you well.

[Try]

Where did she say that? I must have glossed over that part.

 

Why wouldn't she want to have kids with him?

The OP stated that "He also starting to second guess if I really do love him as I say I do. He's using things like me not wanting to have more kids as proof of that." The OP "not wanting to have more kids" is the same as her telling him that she does want to have a child from him. In denying her husband one of the corner stones of what he expected from his spouse in marriage, a child of his own, when she freely gave this to the other man, she is confirming the OP's ranking of the other man over her husband. She had consistently shown her husband just how selfish she is, and how low she ranks him and his needs. She has calculated that the husband will stay in the marriage so as to not lose the relationship with the child he helped raise with her, that may happen after a divorce where the child learns at this young age that he is not her biological father, and he is no longer living with the child to promote bonding. If the husband is not the young child's biological father, and only lived with the child until 6 years old, the odds that the husband will have a real father - daughter relationship with the child are low.

 

There is no nice way to say this, but we are giving advice to a calculating, dishonest, un-remorseful, and selfish cheater. Give advise accordingly.

[Cephalopod]

The OP stated that "He also starting to second guess if I really do love him as I say I do. He's using things like me not wanting to have more kids as proof of that." The OP "not wanting to have more kids" is the same as her telling him that she does want to have a child from him. In denying her husband one of the corner stones of what he expected from his spouse in marriage, a child of his own, when she freely gave this to the other man, she is confirming the OP's ranking of the other man over her husband. She had consistently shown her husband just how selfish she is, and how low she ranks him and his needs. She has calculated that the husband will stay in the marriage so as to not lose the relationship with the child he helped raise with her, that may happen after a divorce where the child learns at this young age that he is not her biological father, and he is no longer living with the child to promote bonding. If the husband is not the young child's biological father, and only lived with the child until 6 years old, the odds that the husband will have a real father - daughter relationship with the child are low.

 

There is no nice way to say this, but we are giving advice to a calculating, dishonest, un-remorseful, and selfish cheater. Give advise accordingly.

 

Thank you for the clarification.

 

I agree. For her to refuse to bear him children, while making him raise another man's child, is indeed the height of cruelty.