Cheated, had another mans child; [tell] my husband? [update 2016-06-16]

[Horton]

If this woman's BH were to come here at some point in the future(after having learned the truth) and he read the advice that's been given to the OP, would he appreciate the posters who have recommended that she continue lying to him and making his decisions for him indefinitely?

 

I could be wrong, but I highly doubt that he would see anybody who approved of her ongoing deception(no matter how well meaning their advice may be) as a friend to him or his marriage.

 

I know I sure as hell wouldn't and I wouldn't give a rat's ass what their "reasoning" was for giving my wife the go ahead to continue making a cuckold out of me.

[afoolto no end]

Hi there,

 

This is such a sad situation for all involved, you were a fool back then and made a huge mistake and that was pure selfishness nothing else, pure lack of respect for your marriage..........

 

You have been carrying this wrong for all these years, you should have told your husband right away, but you didn't and now you are going to have to pay the consequence of this ending your marriage and family as you know it now.

And it will end what once was.

Your husband will be very angry because of this huge lie and the amount of time that has passed.........You need to write him a letter or sit him down with a counsellor explaining the selfish act and the damage you have created for all of you.......and let him chose how he goes forward knowing all the facts, this will take complete honesty, he will have questions, it will take complete acceptance on your part with what he does chose he can live with.......

If he leaves, that is the consequence of sleeping with someone else when your married.....

If he chooses to stay and work things out, at least he knows the truth and so should your daughter at some point.......

Life can't be lived with lies, lies ruin lives.......tell the truth and woman up and take the responsibility it takes to move forward.....to accept your consequences

[Kate84]

I'm going to tell, I've already decided to tell him before i started posting. So that's isn't really a issue anymore right or wrong it's what I decided to do. The lies have been going on for too long and I need to get this over with. And I'm getting tried of living this wondering when or if he will find out I just can't do this anymore. My reason for posting was one to get kinda of a understanding of what I wanted to do was the the right thing, I didn't think such a split though and two just to tell someone ive only told one other person about this. I haven't spoken or told anyone else about this in years and I wanted to get this out before I did anything else.

 

As for my daughter I feel she is to young right now for me to tell her any of this. I doubt she would be able to understand any of this at her current age. One day maybe but definitely not now. Also it will depend on how my husband feels about the whole situation.

 

FYI my husband and I are both in our early thirties.

[sandylee1]

What happens when this child has a medical emergency (God forbid)?

 

What happens when she grows up and the model friends realize she looks more like the guy at the party than the husband? What happens when the rumors and gossip starts?

 

I agree. I knew of a BH who was called from the hospital after his son who was in college had a car accident. It was very serious and a match was needed. Turns out it wasn't his son..... and his wife has passed away a few years prior. He couldn't bring himself to test the other 2 children outof fear.

 

He would never know who the bio dad was. She took it to her grave.

 

So very cruel.

[66Charger]

I'm going to tell, I've already decided to tell him before i started posting. So that's isn't really a issue anymore right or wrong it's what I decided to do. The lies have been going on for too long and I need to get this over with. And I'm getting tried of living this wondering when or if he will find out I just can't do this anymore. My reason for posting was one to get kinda of a understanding of what I wanted to do was the the right thing, I didn't think such a split though and two just to tell someone ive only told one other person about this. I haven't spoken or told anyone else about this in years and I wanted to get this out before I did anything else.

 

As for my daughter I feel she is to young right now for me to tell her any of this. I doubt she would be able to understand any of this at her current age. One day maybe but definitely not now. Also it will depend on how my husband feels about the whole situation.

 

FYI my husband and I are both in our early thirties.

 

Kate, the only thing I would suggest is to fight for your marriage. There are at least 2 guys that post here, who have been in your husband's situation. (A and C) Perhaps they could be of the most assistance to you. I am pretty sure, Both of their stories came without confession. If you dont mind, i will pose a question for anyone who has been in this situation.

 

Assuming the facts. ONS, fidelity since that discretion, CONFESSION, years of bonding and a fWW who fights to keep the marriage.

 

What would you do?

Would this have made a difference in your current situation?

What are some of the things that you suggest to help save the relationship with the child,

What could be done to not blow up the marriage immediately? (Not reconciling, but not divorcing)

 

These guys are not doormats, so if they chose to answer, that may answer your question, or it might not, but their advice/thoughts carries a lot more weight than mine.

 

Strength and Honor.

[aliveagain]

Kate, the only thing I would suggest is to fight for your marriage. There are at least 2 guys that post here, who have been in your husband's situation. (A and C) Perhaps they could be of the most assistance to you. I am pretty sure, Both of their stories came without confession. If you dont mind, i will pose a question for anyone who has been in this situation.

 

Assuming the facts. ONS, fidelity since that discretion, CONFESSION, years of bonding and a fWW who fights to keep the marriage.

 

What would you do?

Would this have made a difference in your current situation?

What are some of the things that you suggest to help save the relationship with the child,

What could be done to not blow up the marriage immediately? (Not reconciling, but not divorcing)

 

These guys are not doormats, so if they chose to answer, that may answer your question, or it might not, but their advice/thoughts carries a lot more weight than mine.

 

Strength and Honor.

 

I will answer regarding my situation. The best scenario would have been an immediate confession after her ONS, that didn't happen. Her second opportunity would have been during her pregnancy when a number of other options could have been discussed, abortion, adoption or agreement to keep the baby regardless of paternity. The third best opportunity would have been after she did the DNA test, she chose poorly again.

 

From the very moment she consciously made the decision to cheat she has consistently taken away her husbands choices. She has done that for more then 6 years so all these bad decisions belong to her. [B]What would I do[b? TELL THE TRUTH. Do not trickle truth, give it to him strait, all at once. The best way would be in a written timeline including every event that took place, who knew and never, ever tell him you made a mistake, don't insult his intelligence. You made a selfish and bad choice and that you are sorry you hurt him. Tell him that you are a coward because it took you more then 6 years to tell him the truth. Some of the things that may help you save your relationship, tell him what you are doing to fix yourself so that you will never make such a selfish and poor choice again(independent counselling, access to all your passwords, complete transparency) and I would go as far as offering him a post nuptial agreement giving him most of the marital assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Ask him what he needs from you to feel safe again including taking a polygraph test so he knows the truth that it was only a one time thing.

 

Do not blame, alcohol, drugs, other people, you did this and you could have stopped it at anytime during the night if you wanted to. Some time, some how you went with this man of your own accord to a place were you were naked and alone with him. You could have left, got out of his car/taxis, bus, called a cab to take you home, stayed with your girlfriends or other friends but instead you went and had unprotected sex with this man whose name you didn't even know until the following day. Good wives don't do these things and your going to have to explain this fact to your husband.

 

He already is in love with his daughter, he would lay down his life for her. The difference I see in your situation is the fact he has not discovered your betrayal, I did in my situation. Once discovered it is too late because nothing you can say or do will be enough for him. I have already suggested you disclose your infidelity and the truth about his daughter with the assistance of a professional consular. Your going to have one shot at doing this right so use the help of professionals and whatever you do DO NOT GET DEFENSIVE, just take whatever he throws at you because getting his anger out will actually help you. Leave if he asks you to. Doing nothing is the worst thing you can do.

Edited April 3, 2016 by aliveagain

[angelcake]

OP, Aliveagain wrote out a very good plan for you. He knows what he's talking about. It sounds like it's your best option to follow and I would give it a lot of consideration if I were in your shoes.

 

I feel for you; you sound like you are a good person who made some wrong choices. Wishing you all the best.

[Jersey born raised]

The thing I find strange is you are prepared for divorce but not reconciliation, yet you love him and want to be with him. I have asked some WS that have decided they love their spouse, want to keep the marriage and not tell their spouse what they have done to prepare in case their adultery was discovered.

None have ever given and answer.

 

Do you want this info or not? The view can be taken that in not attempting to preparing to reconcile you are once again taking the choice away from him them.

 

For example you stated it was a ONS and you have never done it again. Take a poly before confessing. Read books on how to help a spouse heal from infidelity.

 

Your plans for separation sound very mercenary. Are they? From your postings my sense is you are not mercenary.

 

Let me and others know what you want.

[Jersey born raised]

PS: you have seen some very harsh comments so far. Read some of the other threads in the Infidelity section. The thing is the lashing out and hate are real and a honest human reaction. In every thread where the couple reconciled the WS found a way to overcome them. So, do not give up because of them. Consider then the pre-season getting ready for opening day.

[William]

Folks, I noticed a couple of our other moderators worked this thread and did some sanctions and moderation due to violations of our guidelines so, in order to prevent more of the same, I'll offer some content from the latest update and direct members to move forward on that:

 

"I'm going to tell, I've already decided to tell him before i started posting."

 

"My reason for posting was one to get kinda of a understanding of what I wanted to do was the the right thing, I didn't think such a split though and to just to tell someone; I've only told one other person about this."

 

"As for my daughter I feel she is to young right now for me to tell her any of this. I doubt she would be able to understand any of this at her current age. One day maybe but definitely not now. Also it will depend on how my husband feels about the whole situation. "

 

 

Please move forward with this content and discuss within our guidelines of interaction. Thanks!

[Miss Clavel]

i would not want to know. and to that end i suggest that since you've come this far, barring a medical catastrophe, you continue to lie in the bed you made.

 

there is no way you relieving your guilt will do anything but destroy your daughter's faith in her parents and the world.

 

 

imo

[Sassy Girl]

I think it's a mistake to hold off telling the daughter. The earlier you tell, the less severe the fallout. The sooner you do it, the sooner everyone can heal.

 

Prolonging it only prolongs the pain. Instead of having an angry confused 6 year old, you will have a potentially explosive ....10 year old? 13? 16? The. You've lied to her for how many years and also taken away the time and opportunity for her to know her biological father. It should be her choice. Not yours.

 

Adolescence is hard enough. Don't add this to it.

 

It needs to be done in a controlled manner with expert guidance from child therapists. All evidence shows that the earlier you tell the better.

 

For what it's worth.

[ShatteredLady]

Your daughter is the same age as mine. She's still not completely convinced on how babies are made. She knows that they're inside mummy's & they grow & come out of mummy's.

 

She's really into animals & the kind of families that they like in... She was saying that the biggest shark could eat an Orca (brothers favorite) & he says no it can't because Orcas live in proper extended families & all work together. So she knows that some babies come from inside mummies. Some babies are raised by families, some animals have 1 daddy & lots of mummies, like lions.

 

I've been really thinking about this. I think my daughter could wrap her head around the fact that she grew in mummy. She's raised by mummy & daddy & uncle other bloke if he ever steps up can be the man who helped mummy (& daddy) make you for us.

 

She will process that information. As time goes on & her awareness increases the new knowledge could fit-in with what she already knows. She's going to need lots of big conversations but no blindside or lies.

With a therapists help....& hoping that your ex & Mr might be are calm, loving & supportive.

 

Could that be the best idea?

 

I do believe they younger the better so it's not such a big deal is best. Waiting until she's older, making a big event out of blindsiding her could be horrible!

 

My cousin got all dressed-up for her surprise, "Guess what? You're adopted!" Party when she was about 13. It was devastating. I've known people who grew knowing always they were adopted & they seemed to do much better in life.

 

I'm just throwing ideas around to see what thoughts they provoke.

[Jersey born raised]

Perhaps the best place you should look is into the issues of parents who adopt handle these issues as they may be very similar to your daughter and your husband. My brother and SIL adopt a three year old girl and 8 month old twins (a boy and a girl) from Romania. Shortly after getting home he wrote a small book with the title of "how we became a family". He married our baby sister's BF from up the street. It stared with the his and his wife's childhood, how they meant again years after going their separate ways. It shared the start of journey to find them. The places they visited, where they found them, how they felt finding them, the journey home, and their first several months of being home. Each chapter and cover had simple B&W pictures included.

 

He printed perhaps s hundred books. This book became a favorite night tine story of the children growing up. In their children minds there gas never been a doubt in their mind who their parents are, and who their family is.

 

There story is very different then your's, but my brother found inspiration for this idea by taking to parents of adopted children and reaserching the subject.

[road]

Your daughter is the same age as mine. She's still not completely convinced on how babies are made. She knows that they're inside mummy's & they grow & come out of mummy's.

 

She's really into animals & the kind of families that they like in... She was saying that the biggest shark could eat an Orca (brothers favorite) & he says no it can't because Orcas live in proper extended families & all work together. So she knows that some babies come from inside mummies. Some babies are raised by families, some animals have 1 daddy & lots of mummies, like lions.

 

I've been really thinking about this. I think my daughter could wrap her head around the fact that she grew in mummy. She's raised by mummy & daddy & uncle other bloke if he ever steps up can be the man who helped mummy (& daddy) make you for us.

 

She will process that information. As time goes on & her awareness increases the new knowledge could fit-in with what she already knows. She's going to need lots of big conversations but no blindside or lies.

With a therapists help....& hoping that your ex & Mr might be are calm, loving & supportive.

 

Could that be the best idea?

 

I do believe they younger the better so it's not such a big deal is best. Waiting until she's older, making a big event out of blindsiding her could be horrible!

 

My cousin got all dressed-up for her surprise, "Guess what? You're adopted!" Party when she was about 13. It was devastating. I've known people who grew knowing always they were adopted & they seemed to do much better in life.

 

I'm just throwing ideas around to see what thoughts they provoke.

 

 

This lying. Uncle helped you and daddy. Just how did daddy get helped by uncle?

 

 

She knows about babies grow and come from inside mommies.

 

 

She knows that lady lion and man lion mate.

 

 

The simple truth without details is far better and simple to understand for a child.

 

 

Uncle is your bio dad.

 

 

Mom (WW) and uncle (OM) made a baby together.

 

 

Dad (BH) loved you and being married to mom wanted to raise you.

 

 

Why did uncle not raise me?

 

 

Uncle is not married to me and is not part of our family.

 

 

This will satisfy a young child. When they hit 13 they can handle the truth for they will know about conception, sex, and then you can mention the bad "decision" to have an affair and have sex with uncle. How women have to be responsible with their bodies.

[Kate84]

I understand where most of you guys are coming from. But I feel my daughter is way to young for me to tell her any of this. I'm not even sure if I want to. I probably will have to at some point but not right now. She still so young for her to have to deal with any of this. Anything I do regarding this I want my husband to have a say in it whatever we decide to do. First thing I will do his tell him and then we can talk about what will happen with our daughter.

[Clay]

Just take it one step at a time. Your daughter can be told in time. In a gradual controlled format.

 

Your right to tell your husband and let him choose. I would really follow was alive stated. He has been through this.

 

If your husband decided he wants a divorce do the right thing and don't fight him for anything.

 

I went through not knowing for years and she fought me every time I questioned it. It wasn't until my son was 15 and my daughter was 13 that I did the dna test. I can't tell you I experienced what Alive went through but I can tell you if going through not knowing killed me. I am thankful my kids are mine and even if they had not have been I would have still loved them.

 

Your husband deserves to know soon. Don't wait another day.

 

C

[GorillaTheater]

I understand where most of you guys are coming from. But I feel my daughter is way to young for me to tell her any of this. I'm not even sure if I want to. I probably will have to at some point but not right now. She still so young for her to have to deal with any of this. Anything I do regarding this I want my husband to have a say in it whatever we decide to do. First thing I will do his tell him and then we can talk about what will happen with our daughter.

 

 

When are you going to tell your husband?

 

 

I suggest you do it in front of a counselor or some other more-or-less controlled environment.

[Kate84]

The thing I find strange is you are prepared for divorce but not reconciliation, yet you love him and want to be with him. I have asked some WS that have decided they love their spouse, want to keep the marriage and not tell their spouse what they have done to prepare in case their adultery was discovered.

None have ever given and answer.

 

Do you want this info or not? The view can be taken that in not attempting to preparing to reconcile you are once again taking the choice away from him them.

 

For example you stated it was a ONS and you have never done it akgain. Take a poly before confessing. Read books on how to help a spouse heal from infidelity.

 

Your plans for separation sound very mercenary. Are they? From your postings my sense is you are not mercenary.

 

Let me and others know what you want.

 

 

I don't think i have a chance in saving my marriage maybe I have a more negative view on the whole situation because I can't see how or why my husband would even think about staying with. Maybe if it was only the cheating then yeah I'm more then we could move pass that. It's everything else that's the real issue. How will he be able to look me at after I tell him. At this point I don't have the right to ask him to forgive me. I know if I was in his place I wouldn't be able to get pass something like this. If it was only the cheating then yes but not through all the lies I've told him I feel like it just to much.

 

 

I do want us to be together. We could continue to build our lives together. Maybe have 2-3 more kids. Grow old and enjoy life together. I can't imagine spending the rest of life with anyone else but him. He really understands me the way no else can. He's everything I want and more. And to top it all off he's an amazing father. He's really one of a kind . I would love it if we could stay together. That would amazing and everything I really want don't think it's

 

 

As for my plans. I'm pretty mush going to give him a clean break. He's gets to keep everything he has made during our marriage and the things he has brought during our marriage. The only thing we would have to discuss would be the family home. But besides asking him to continue to be the father figure. I'm not going ask for anything. I would offer him a simple and clean out way out if he wants.

[BetheButterfly]

This is a truth that needs to be told. It may very well be that your husband leaves due to this, though no one knows for sure. However I would not keep this secret from fear that he will leave the child. She is six years old and only a very selfish and angry man would abandon a 6 year old child he has raised from birth. If he does leave your daughter too then is that the kind of man you want her to have anyway? She did not do anything wrong or ask for any of this, and all of her formative years have been spent with him.

 

I 100% agree with this.

 

Kate, I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

 

He does need to know, and he needs to remember that it is not your child's fault.

 

Kate, I think you are carrying around a huge burden of guilt which is unhealthy. It's a surprise to me that your hubby can't feel it.

 

My hubby feels it when I am guilty for something. I've lied to him before (about eating cookies... I'm on a diet) and he felt my guilt. After he asked me, I told him the truth and asked forgiveness for lying. I felt so much better after confession! Hiding anything from my hubby doesn't sit well with me and it's hard to for me to understand how you hide such important info from your hubby.

 

This is definitely more serious than lying about eating something. I personally believe you will feel much better and cleaner after telling him the truth. You do need a professional marriage counselor to help you figure out how to tell him, but you should have told him about your infidelity right after you broke your word to him. I'm sorry, but that's the truth.

[BetheButterfly]

I don't think i have a chance in saving my marriage maybe I have a more negative view on the whole situation because I can't see how or why my husband would even think about staying with.

 

I think that if he truly loves you, that he may consider reconciling with you as long as you are 100% transparent and honest with him. I don't want to give you a false hope though, but I do think the above is possible.

 

Maybe if it was only the cheating then yeah I'm more then we could move pass that. It's everything else that's the real issue. How will he be able to look me at after I tell him. At this point I don't have the right to ask him to forgive me.

 

Everybody has the right to ask for forgiveness, and everybody has the right to decide to forgive or not.

 

I know if I was in his place I wouldn't be able to get pass something like this. If it was only the cheating then yes but not through all the lies I've told him I feel like it just to much.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

I do want us to be together. We could continue to build our lives together. Maybe have 2-3 more kids. Grow old and enjoy life together. I can't imagine spending the rest of life with anyone else but him. He really understands me the way no else can. He's everything I want and more. And to top it all off he's an amazing father. He's really one of a kind . I would love it if we could stay together. That would amazing and everything I really want

 

You never know what will happen till you tell him the truth and get this horrendous burden off your heart. It's dragging you down.

As for my plans. I'm pretty mush going to give him a clean break. He's gets to keep everything he has made during our marriage and the things he has brought during our marriage. The only thing we would have to discuss would be the family home. But besides asking him to continue to be the father figure. I'm not going ask for anything. I would offer him a simple and clean out way out if he wants

 

I really do hope he decides to forgive you and try again... it breaks my heart your situation. Blessings. Hugs

[Kate84]

When are you going to tell your husband?

 

 

I suggest you do it in front of a counselor or some other more-or-less controlled environment.

 

 

I really haven't decided when I'm going to tell him. But definitely before the summer. Telling him now isn't ideal since he is still traveling right now.

 

Im looking for marriage counselors now. It's not as easy how it looks. Most of the ones that's look good have bad reviews. So still trying to find one that I think would work for both of us.

[sandylee1]

I understand where most of you guys are coming from. But I feel my daughter is way to young for me to tell her any of this. I'm not even sure if I want to. I probably will have to at some point but not right now. She still so young for her to have to deal with any of this. Anything I do regarding this I want my husband to have a say in it whatever we decide to do. First thing I will do his tell him and then we can talk about what will happen with our daughter.

 

 

I agree with you. She's too young right now. Depending on what your husband's decision is , you can discuss this together.

[66Charger]

I don't think i have a chance in saving my marriage maybe I have a more negative view on the whole situation because I can't see how or why my husband would even think about staying with. Maybe if it was only the cheating then yeah I'm more then we could move pass that. It's everything else that's the real issue. How will he be able to look me at after I tell him. At this point I don't have the right to ask him to forgive me. I know if I was in his place I wouldn't be able to get pass something like this. If it was only the cheating then yes but not through all the lies I've told him I feel like it just to much.

.

 

All the lies may be hard to forgive, which is why you should try the truth, asap. Dont get caught before summer. I hope you read Alivesagains post and consider doing it that way.

 

I also think that you have it wrong, when you think the cheating will be easier to forgive than the paternity issue. Your daughter is his child, that will probaly be resolved within 1 day. Your chance to save this marriage may depend less on the sperm and more on your ability to convince him you have been faithful since. Dont underestimate that.

 

Move past your fear and get this done asap

Edited April 5, 2016 by 66Charger

[Clay]

This was just posted on reddit today. Its kind of ironic but here it is.

 

The man I [17M] thought my whole life was my biological father isn't. He left a few months ago and I miss him.Infidelity

submitted 53 minutes ago by wantoendthingsnow

My whole life is a lie.

I'm a lovechild between my mom and another guy.

After the paternal test ordeal my dad just bailed. I haven't had any kind of contact with him for a while now. Then my idiot biological dad decides to show his ass from nowhere and tries to sway me by saying how much he “loves” and “misses” me. He went for a hug, and I responded by punching him. Mom tried to restrain me, I shoved her away. Hard. But not hard enough to seriously hurt her, as much as I wish I had. After that I just ran. Ran to a friend I hope they're not familiar with, and his family was kind enough to let me stay for a while. Now I'm here.

The other guy was probably laughing his ass off at my dad for unknowingly raising a kid that wasn’t his. I hate my mom for what she did. But above all I hate myself for what I am. I wish my adoptive dad came back. I wish he WAS my biological dad.

tl;dr: Mom cheated, made me think I'm related to my dad. I found out and now hate everything.

 

 

This young man will probably spend the rest of his life with this pain. I hope for his sake he is able to find his father but who knows. Its the problem with playing with other people lives you never know how things will turn out. I know you want to wait but I would encouraging you to do it as soon as possible. I do agree to having a therapist or a counselor there but if you cant then maybe a family member would be good too.

 

Don't wait and let him learn this on his own. Clearly as the Young man stated in his post that is how his dad found out and you can also see his response.

 

C