Almost 6 months on and I'm still hoping he'll come back :-(

[TheLoveBelow92]

I know exactly where your coming from albeit I am further down the breakup path than you and never thought it would be this long or hard. You will get bad or weak moments and sometimes play games with yourself like not trying to text him for as long as possible but time will keep going past regardless. Its nice to hold onto things like the great moments we shared (its kind of like reliving them in a way) and there is a great deal of comfort in them that could be why we subconsciously dont want to let them go even when it is the best in the long run we should.

 

What firflywy said is good because we imagine things would be perfect getting back together otherwise even though that may not be the reality. If you need to talk pm me because it would be nice to bounce things of one another and could help us out.

[sportygirl]

Thanks for your reply TheLoveBelow92... must admit I'm really drowning with this. I just miss him so much. I knew when I started dating him I'd have a hard time letting him go if ever he went. I just csnt believe I had him in my life and he no longer wants to be part of 'us' anymore. No matter how many times I tell myself he clearly wants nothing more to do with me, I can't seem to accept it at all. I'm so lost. Never had much esteem before but now I feel completely shot to pieces... and I'm almost 4 months down the track and have never managed more than 2 weeks without some kind of contact. I'm broken :-(

 

Sorry you're going through this too... but I'm glad you're further along the track. I'm just messaging from the mobile, but once I'm back on a laptop ill try and PM.

[Alcoholicex]

I totally feel your pain. My relationship was 8 years long and every single plan I had for the future was with him. It's been the absolute hardest part of overcoming this. I was in a complete state of panic and depression because all of a sudden my future was a big black empty nothing. I received a really valuable piece of advice that was really really simple. Don't think about it. And it works. Every day I wake up and tell myself just get through today. I don't have to stress about anything. I realized that "planning" my future never really worked out anyway! I try and make each day a new and exciting experience. Best of luck !

[DaveHammer]

Hi... looking for some advice please lovely forum folk :-)

I'm struggling (surprise, surprise)... 3 months since the breakup and I'm doing all the right things to try and move on in terms of activities, friends, trying to date again.

Why try? Maybe relax for a bit.

However, the big battle in my mind is that I don't want to picture a future without him. As much as its holding me back from moving forwards, to think of never having a future with him is completely crushing me still. I cry most days and am still on sleeping pills.

Even more reason why you shouldn't try to date anyone else just yet. It sound like your not over your ex. First take the time to get over your ex then date other people.

To think of a future without him in it makes me not want to keep going every day... I don't even think its depression anymore... its more not wanting this to be the reality of my life now, and not wanting a life without him in it. How to move past this?

It takes time and only time.

I'm massively battling with trying to move on and knowing that deep down I don't want to... I just want to wind back the clock. Any strategies for dealing with this?

That's is because you want what you had a certain time. It takes time to get over that hurdle.

[erklat]

This is the difficult part to get over that took me the

most.

 

Namely, the pain of plans unfulfilled is the worst.

 

You will realize in the end you were in love with what

could have been and that what was was actually ****.

[Emaize3]

I really understand how you feel. I can relate and if you want to talk more with me, let me know. I so badly want my ex back and it won't happen. He's all I think about. We were great together

[Emaize3]

I so desperately want him back in my life. He's on my mind 24/7. We had the most awesome relationship and I can't believe he's gone. Not coping at all.. That's for sure. Only thing that would make me happy is having him back and it will never happen.

[sportygirl]

Evening,

 

Just woken up in the middle of the night 4 months after being dumped and I'm having a major attack of the guilts. From my view we had a brilliant relationship, but he decided to end things after 18 months of dating as 'something was missing' (no more real detail other than that). Despite me reaching out a few times, he's never contacted me on his own accord since the breakup.

 

I've woken up in the middle of the night in tears thinking that I must have made him sad in the relationship if he was able to walk away so easily and not look back. Granted, for all I know there could be a billion other reasons, but for him to have been the one person in the world that meant the most to me, and he unable to make him happy enough to stay makes me feel awful. I feel genuine remorse tonight for every slight disagreement we had.... I don't know how to make it right. I could apologise, but then if he wasn't happy in the relationship does he really want this re-hashed?! Confused.

[head in the clouds]

I am sorry that you're experiencing this. It's easy to get wrapped up in the "could haves and should haves," because, as women, we tend to obsess over the details until there is nothing left to dissect.

 

A vague answer like "something's missing" tends to come from someone who doesn't really know what he wants or is looking for. The hardest reality I had to face when my boyfriend of 4 years left me was knowing that, even if I had done everything right, he still would have left. Not because he wasn't happy with me, but because he wasn't happy with himself. As impossible as it may seem right now, you can't let his own insecurities bring you down. He decided that he needed to make a change to fulfill something in himself. You should take this time to do the same for you.

 

I've been reading this book, It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken, and I would highly recommend it. It really helped me sort my feelings out, as he was my first love and I was devastated when he left. You don't want to waste your time and sanity on a man who decided that what you shared wasn't worth fixing. It's hard to hear and even harder to accept, but once you do, you'll see that he's not a bad guy, he's just not the right guy. There is better out there for you, I can promise you that. I implore you to take this time to figure out who you are as an entity separate from who you were with him and find what makes you happy. You never know, this may be the only opportunity you have to explore who you are as a single woman, because the next guy you meet might be the guy with whom you spend the rest of your life.

 

You are great and worthy of love. You have a lot to offer someone. When you meet "the one," he will be in a healthy place that allows him to not only accept and cherish what you give, but to also return the that love ten fold.

 

I hope that this helps in some way. Take solace in knowing that this feeling is not forever. You will overcome this and thrive. So cheer up and keep going.

[Raina314]

I totally understand how you feel. I woke up feeling like that for weeks. Logically, I knew it wasn't my fault because he told me it wasn't and I honestly tried to always be at my best for him. But I still felt like I let him down because he lost the feelings he once had for me and I wanted to be the one to make him happy so badly. What helped me most was replaying what I did in the relationship and trying to think of how happy I would've been if he'd put the same amount of effort in for me. Then I realize that it's not an issue of me failing, it's an issue of him lacking in desire/maturity/something else, but it wasn't me.

If the best thing he can come up with as a reason for leaving is "something's missing" then you know it's probably nothing you did. It will take a while to internalize and really believe that, but just try to hang onto it, however hard it is right now. Best of luck <3

[sportygirl]

Thank you for the messages... still struggling almost 5 months on.

 

Trouble is I still just feel incredibly guilty. Just to offload a little - he had a job which took him away for 2 months at a time, every 2 months. We did a stint where this 2 months on one occasion turned into 6 months. I found it total torture for his dates to keep moving out, and also questioned our future considering as we'd been together less than a year at this point, and I worried I'd keep hanging on for him, only for him / me to possibly realise one day we weren't the right fit.

 

Just before the breakup he was away for 2 months, and 1 week before the end of the 2 months (when I was on count down and making plans with him for his return) he called to let me know it had been extended to 4 months. I was devastated. Whilst previously I'd not let all my emotions out, on this occasion I did. I wasn't angry at him, he just saw hoe truly upset it made me. It didn't help that at the time I was house hunting and he was supposed to come home to approve our purchase, and that I had taken on a stressful new role at work. Either way though, he saw how truly upset I was. I balled my eyes out to him on the phone. I'm feeling so guilty as I know this must have made him feel awful and I wouldn't be surprised if this was the catalyst for the breakup... making it all my fault for not being able to handle the situation well :-( The following day we spoke and I said sorry for being emotional... and just said that's the way I initially react... always give me 24 hours after bad news and I'll be normal again. I was cheery for us both - and genuinely knew it'd be okay to have those extra 2 months apart. However I think the damage was done.

 

How can I redeem this? I put the pressure on and he got scared I think.... he was already stressed at his end and instead of being the supportive girlfriend, I broke. :-(

[sportygirl]

Heya - just coming back for somewhere to vent a little... or at least get thoughts out of my head. So... got to love social media.... turns out he is dating that girl. I don't know when they got together but she was around when we were dating and he told me that she was jealous I was dating him. I don't blame her... she isn't the one that was in a relationship. I don't even feel anger to him for dating her..... I feel so incredibly hurt instead that he couldn't be honest when he broke up with me.

 

I"ve spent months churning the breakup over in my mind and what I must have said / done wrong, and all the while it was because another girl caught his eye. I feel so disposable and replaceable... she's stepped into my life and he's happy. I've struggled for months and he's been on cloud 9 in a new relationship. I feel yet again like its day1. Perhaps its time to drop the mutual friends.... it'd be a real shame to do that as I saw them as the one positive I could take from the ending of the relationship.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to hear that sporty.

 

But now you need to STOP stalking him on social media. Block him in every way possible. Do not contact him, do not allow him to contact you, and if any mutual friends start to talk about him interrupt them and say politely "I don't want to talk about him, he is in the past. Please change the subject."

[sportygirl]

Thanks for the reply PegNose... would you ever saying anything to him? Feels like he's made a fool out of me :-( and gotten away with lying :-(

[sportygirl]

Mind you... I guess it doesn't change things. Just seems so hurtful to me... and he's not had to realise the impact of his actions.

[PegNosePete]

Exactly, it makes no difference what he thinks. The only thing that matters is that you know the truth, and people who care about you know the truth.

 

Anyone who takes his side or believes his story, cut off. They are not your friends.

[LydiaLong]

Usually when things are going well and then someone suddenly wants 'space' the reason is that he has found a new relationship he wants to explore. He can't come out and say, "Hey, please wait a year and let me see if this new thing works out."

 

I don't believe this man has been honest with you. And if he HAS been honest, he certainly doesn't exhibit the stability that I would want to be connected to. It's best you move on.

 

Yes it hurts and you may cry every day for 6 months. But one day, you will find someone who treats you the way you want to be treated-deserve to be treated. It may take time. Don't give up.

[Itspointless]

Mind you... I guess it doesn't change things. Just seems so hurtful to me... and he's not had to realise the impact of his actions.

He might not, and probably never will if he did not by now.

 

Sorry.

[Toodaloo]

Sporty.

 

There is no such thing as "upgrading". For all this other girl looks great to the outside world you have no idea what else is going on.

 

Time to look in the mirror and love who you are.

 

Also that girl is now dating a bloke that promises the earth then buggars off! Poor thing!

 

Thank goodness you don't have to go through that again!

[keiji]

Gosh just on the phone to a friend... she's asking a lot about if I have suspicions if he's with a girl I know. I think she's just trying to help and suggest that he's moved on. Its all speculation, but just thinking he's done that makes it harder. The girl she's hinting at is stunning, and has a beautiful personality. Proper wife material. If he did that he definitely upgraded. This hurts.

 

You are "proper wife material" for someone else. Discard that thinking pattern. You're worth more than that.

[Survivor12]

I never felt this way when we were together.... its all been since the breakup. With him the relationship was everything I'd wanted in a partner.

 

I feel so much this is all down to him just being overly stressed about leaving the navy, the flat we were buying being the first concrete steps to that happening, and perhaps I just was too focused on all the good in that that maybe I wasn't listening when he was getting down.

 

It all just hurts. Hurts that our future has gone, that he's still suffering, and that we're both alone. This wasn't how I hoped this would all go.

 

Imagine if you were to be married-with children--and he hit a rough patch...would you be so understanding about him taking a year off from you, the kids rather than work with you to overcome the problems?

 

If not, thank your lucky stars that you're finding out now how undependable & uncommitted he is to you and your plans for a future rather than later. If this is hard, with a divorce & kids,it would be much worse.

 

Give him his space...end it, grieve the loss & start a new future plan without him.

[kztar]

I agree with Survivor12. Im currently going through a similar breakup but mines was a bit more straight forward. I also believe my ex had a avoidant personality which as previously mentioned in other post makes it hard for these people to actually reach a point in a relationship of intimacy. Usually they start becoming distant when this starts happening and on to the next fun person.

 

Anyway you need to really think about this long term. Imagine you had kids and he said he needed a year off?. Better now than later. I know it's hard because it's hard for me as well but hang in there. Maintain NC what so ever. no social media, no friends keeping you updated. NOTHING. you will get better in due time.

[sportygirl]

Thank you for all your lovely messages of support. Today is a bad day. Every time I feel like I'm getting a little of my strength back, my emotions really hit me like a wave. I've gone to play with my little nieces this morning as I could feel myself sinking, and even that didn't work today. Usually they lift my spirits. I've been balling my eyes out for the last few hours. Don't know what to do with myself.... I just can't seem to stop the tears. I've tried everything since he left... therapy, life coaches, gym, booking holidays, changing jobs.... I just can't seem to cope with this loss despite what may or may not have gone on with this other girl... I just feel like its my loss. So upset today xx

[Itspointless]

I just can't seem to stop the tears. I've tried everything since he left... therapy, life coaches, gym, booking holidays, changing jobs.... I just can't seem to cope with this loss despite what may or may not have gone on with this other girl... I just feel like its my loss. So upset today xx

Don't stop the tears, they have a function. Now it seems like it is never going to end, but at some point it will get better bit by bit. For that to happen it is important to feel first: cry, be angry and keep working. It is hard, I know, but you can do it

[sportygirl]

Morning :-)

 

I'm just finding posting as an outlet as I'm running out of ways to try and get past this... its almost 6 months since my boyfriend left and I cry every day still.

 

Short summary - together for 18 months and just signed papers on a house. He then told me he loved me, wanted a future with me but needed a year alone to focus on his job (for which a new role would take him travelling away for a year). I tried at the time to say if he lived me we could at least try to make it work, but he was having none of it... His mind was set.

 

I tried and failed NC so many times (please don't yell... I just don't feel strong... at all), have changed jobs, cities, am currently typing this from a far flung holiday destination on a solo trip and I still am stuck on sadness and wanting to figure out how to get him back.

 

We do have mutual friends, and I've learned he never took the new job (so have been 1 hour away for months), went on holiday with another girl 2 weeks after we broke up, and has clearly said he thinks he's done the right thing. All this clearly says he's done... but it doesn't make me stop loving him... or make my brain stop spinning in circles on working out how to make him realise again what he once felt. I don't understand how feelings can change so much... which is why I keep trying to cling on... surely he can't just forget all the moments we shared and suddenly not want the future he spelled out for us... I don't understand... and I feel like I'll never be able to accept it until I do.

 

I don't know what to do :-(