Almost 6 months on and I'm still hoping he'll come back :-(

[Amelie1980]

Cripes... we just had a good old text battle about this. We've never fully argued before. I told him not to message any more. I was honest and said I'm just too hurt to keep up any kind of comms. He's just said he has good memories and goodbye.

 

I feel like yet again we've broken up and I'm alone. I feel petty for getting grumpy at him for asking me to change Facebook of all things, and I feel daft for telling him I'm hurting 2.5 months down the line. I just feel like there was so much left unsaid, and Facebook was just the tipping point. I feel shattered on so many levels and so alone in all this.

 

How do I pick myself back up from this?

 

I told you not to reply and to block him which would automatically remove all tags.

 

You liked my comment and but didnt heed it. Instead you engaged him in conversation and argued about it.

 

Why didnt you just block him? Tags removed and him shown you don't care anymore.

 

It'll set you back for ages but I hope he is blocked now.

[kidm]

Unfortunately you went against the advice others offered you on here. Oh well, what's done is done. Now you can begin the process of healing and moving on.

 

Going NC for your emotional well-being would never deter a man who genuinely wants you back. Keeping the lines of comm open usually only delays your healing and only reminds him that you are waiting to be picked, putting all the power in his hands.

[sportygirl]

I should have listened to the advice.

 

He kept messaging asking why I didn't remove the pictures. I engaged in conversation and I shouldn't have.

[Amelie1980]

I should have listened to the advice.

 

He kept messaging asking why I didn't remove the pictures. I engaged in conversation and I shouldn't have.

 

He kept messaging as you didnt block him.

 

had you done so, he would have looked back at facebook and saw all of the stuff between you two gone....it would have been gone in an instant.

 

Maybe you wanted him to keep talking....I get it, I really do.

[sportygirl]

I probably did. Even if he's angry at me he's still talking. Alone is fearful.

[Amelie1980]

I probably did. Even if he's angry at me he's still talking. Alone is fearful.

 

I get it, I really do.

 

When they really go...it is scary.

[Itspointless]

He kept messaging asking why I didn't remove the pictures. I engaged in conversation and I shouldn't have.

First he was manipulative and then demanding you. Nice character he is

[sportygirl]

Yeah... I still find it hard to see all that until it stares me in the face. Love is blind and all that!

 

I did block, though I'm finding today very tough. This time last year was amazing for us. To look back and just remember what I was doing last year is tearing me apart. My family can't quite seem to understand why this is all so difficult... planning Christmas to be just me tomorrow... as much as I love my family, to be around them seems to make it all the more harder for some reason. Does anyone else find that? or understand that? They're a lovely family, but I really cannot be around them... even on a day like tomorrow Xx

[Itspointless]

Yeah... I still find it hard to see all that until it stares me in the face. Love is blind and all that!

 

I did block, though I'm finding today very tough. This time last year was amazing for us. To look back and just remember what I was doing last year is tearing me apart. My family can't quite seem to understand why this is all so difficult... planning Christmas to be just me tomorrow... as much as I love my family, to be around them seems to make it all the more harder for some reason. Does anyone else find that? or understand that? They're a lovely family, but I really cannot be around them... even on a day like tomorrow Xx

It is hard to see sights of people we did not expect them to have. It takes time to adjust and grieve over the image that has been lost. Give yourself time.

 

Family can sometimes be a pain in the ass, especially when they are unempathetic or frustrated when they discover that they cannot save you from pain. Try to be kind to yourself. Take hot baths or showers, do thing you like, whatever that may be

[sportygirl]

Gosh just on the phone to a friend... she's asking a lot about if I have suspicions if he's with a girl I know. I think she's just trying to help and suggest that he's moved on. Its all speculation, but just thinking he's done that makes it harder. The girl she's hinting at is stunning, and has a beautiful personality. Proper wife material. If he did that he definitely upgraded. This hurts.

[Amelie1980]

Gosh just on the phone to a friend... she's asking a lot about if I have suspicions if he's with a girl I know. I think she's just trying to help and suggest that he's moved on. Its all speculation, but just thinking he's done that makes it harder. The girl she's hinting at is stunning, and has a beautiful personality. Proper wife material. If he did that he definitely upgraded. This hurts.

 

Of course.....I always thought it was another woman.....his behavior says it all.

 

Dont go there. You will feel worse if you find out.

 

I am still trying to scrape myself off the floor after what I discovered on Sunday.

[Itspointless]

Gosh just on the phone to a friend... she's asking a lot about if I have suspicions if he's with a girl I know. I think she's just trying to help and suggest that he's moved on. Its all speculation, but just thinking he's done that makes it harder. The girl she's hinting at is stunning, and has a beautiful personality. Proper wife material. If he did that he definitely upgraded. This hurts.

Upgraded? Come on! I know you feel down, but you shouldn't think about yourself that way Better ask your friends to not talk about him in relation to other girls. That you appreciate them for their empathy and friendship , but that you not talk about possibility right now, as it makes you feel down.

[sportygirl]

Hi... looking for some advice please lovely forum folk :-)

 

I'm struggling (surprise, surprise)... 3 months since the breakup and I'm doing all the right things to try and move on in terms of activities, friends, trying to date again.

 

However, the big battle in my mind is that I don't want to picture a future without him. As much as its holding me back from moving forwards, to think of never having a future with him is completely crushing me still. I cry most days and am still on sleeping pills.

 

To think of a future without him in it makes me not want to keep going every day... I don't even think its depression anymore... its more not wanting this to be the reality of my life now, and not wanting a life without him in it. How to move past this?

 

I'm massively battling with trying to move on and knowing that deep down I don't want to... I just want to wind back the clock. Any strategies for dealing with this?

 

(I should add that I feel incredibly guilty that this is such a non-problem in comparison to everything else going on in the world right now, but I can't seem to look past my own challenges right now.)

[stillafool]

I don't know your situation but if it's really over and he's moved on you have to just let it go. If you struggle too hard perhaps you should seek professtional help.

[sportygirl]

Yeah I'm also trying therapy. They pretty much want to bang my head against the wall at this point until I understand that there's no point hanging on.

 

High level story - together 18 months... never truly argued.. he always spoke of our future and how great it was to find 'the one'... then when it came to buying a place together (which he suggested) he decided instead that something was 'missing'.... and that's the greatest explanation I've been able to get. All his family and friends are still perplexed and think he's just gone off the rails a little.. which is why I keep the hope there.

 

It seems so pathetic to cling to someone that shows no signs of wanting to come back... but in my mind we were so happy. I want to cling to that and the potential to have that with him again more than anything.

[stillafool]

I know it's terribly hard to let go of someone you love especially when you aren't even clear what is missing. Usually it means they didn't feel the same level of love, chemistry that you did. I know it's hard to believe because you feel if you felt head over heels for them surely the feeling must be mutual but in the end it wasn't. Once you accept that he is gone and not coming back you will still grieve but at least you can move forward.

[DrMario]

I feel your pain and I know your struggles all too well, I'm 1 month post break up (more or less) we had contact for a little while after but that didn't last, she blocked me on everything and cut me off completely, I had to send her letters to get my final words across, she probably didn't read them, either way they fell on deaf ears, I still go about my day as I normally would as people depend on me a great deal in my line of work, but it's definitely a struggle, she's still the first thing on my mind when I wake up and there's been more than a few times that I have broken down and cried because of it, life is pretty hard these days and unfortunately I don't have any advice to give you to make it any easier, just wanted you to know that I'm right there with you.

[ExtraSpice]

Getting over someone is very difficult at times. Even if you want to get over someone, it is difficult and takes time. But when in your heart you truly don't want to get over the person then it becomes extremely difficult.

 

The truth is there is nothing we can say that will make you want to get over him. That is a destination you have to reach on your own.

 

Somethings in life just don't come back once they leave. And this relationship may very well be one of them. As difficult as it may be to picture but there will be a time when you are with somebody else and you can only think about being with them.

 

There was a point in one of my previous breakups where I just did not want to accept it and I tormented myself for months. But then eventually I got tired of feeling the pain. I can't associate any single event that triggered it but it was more of a culmination of things over time.

 

I am sort of in a breakup right now and part of me just does not want to let go but I know that I have to. So I am trying my best to do that but it will be a time consuming process.

[fireflywy]

Okay, if you don't want to imagine a future without him, then let's imagine a future with him with the information you have now.

 

So, he gets back together with you after this split but in the back of your mind you will have this tiny sliver that asks why. Perhaps it happens months from now and perhaps he dated someone else who just didn't work out. Heck, perhaps he dated a couple, and they all didn't work out so he comes back to you.

 

Anyway, things start off well, you return to old habits, he says comforting words, you lap them up but there is that tiny sliver there now. However you continue on. Overtime, as all relationships do, things start to get fuzzy on his end as perhaps in reconciling he's forced himself to make something work that just didn't fit him.

 

You, begin to notice the slow slipping away or perhaps, because he said something was missing once, YOU now have this slow chipping away of things and there is a gulf between you. Let's say you make it work for another two years and this happens, or let's say you get married and have children and this happens. Now what? Now this is some much more heart wrenching then you could have ever imagined and much more complicated. Youre older, perhaps you've given up opportunities in your career, friendships, even others better suited to you, and now you feel lonelier then you do now.

 

How does that future sound?

 

The truth is, you simply aren't meant to be right now and whatever disconnect he's feeling isn't going to change because you're both the same people you are when he left. By clinging on to that hope, and never truly moving on, you're going to STAY that same person. There's nothing wrong with being who you are but movement, acceptence of change, and growth take that core and bring us to who we are supposed to be. In short, take your time, take as long as you need to mourn the loss (I still am nearly 12 months later) but do so knowing that the waters you sip from if you sit there too long will just waterlog and wash you out rather then help you grow as all pain does when considered and taken in moderation.

[sportygirl]

Thanks for your responses... and the very detailed one Fireflyfw. I totally understand what you're saying, and I'd be happily thinking along those lines if it weren't for my brother. Him and his now fiancee broke up after 2 years of dating for 6 months... during which time he ran off with another girl!! He eventually realised the grass wasn't greener and went back to the original girlfriend and they've been together anotherr 4 years now... due to be married in May. So I know now of a time when it has worked after a breakup - albeit that I do know this is very rare.

[sportygirl]

Sorry - that was a very quick response. I'm sorry to hear you're 12 months on.... and I really do understand and take in what you've written. I really would have left the forum with a sense of peace had it not been for the one example I know of where it did work after a breakup... albeit for different reasons and different people.

[Rocci di Persia]

Okay, if you don't want to imagine a future without him, then let's imagine a future with him with the information you have now.

 

So, he gets back together with you after this split but in the back of your mind you will have this tiny sliver that asks why. Perhaps it happens months from now and perhaps he dated someone else who just didn't work out. Heck, perhaps he dated a couple, and they all didn't work out so he comes back to you.

 

Anyway, things start off well, you return to old habits, he says comforting words, you lap them up but there is that tiny sliver there now. However you continue on. Overtime, as all relationships do, things start to get fuzzy on his end as perhaps in reconciling he's forced himself to make something work that just didn't fit him.

 

You, begin to notice the slow slipping away or perhaps, because he said something was missing once, YOU now have this slow chipping away of things and there is a gulf between you. Let's say you make it work for another two years and this happens, or let's say you get married and have children and this happens. Now what? Now this is some much more heart wrenching then you could have ever imagined and much more complicated. Youre older, perhaps you've given up opportunities in your career, friendships, even others better suited to you, and now you feel lonelier then you do now.

 

How does that future sound?

 

The truth is, you simply aren't meant to be right now and whatever disconnect he's feeling isn't going to change because you're both the same people you are when he left. By clinging on to that hope, and never truly moving on, you're going to STAY that same person. There's nothing wrong with being who you are but movement, acceptence of change, and growth take that core and bring us to who we are supposed to be. In short, take your time, take as long as you need to mourn the loss (I still am nearly 12 months later) but do so knowing that the waters you sip from if you sit there too long will just waterlog and wash you out rather then help you grow as all pain does when considered and taken in moderation.

 

I actually really needed to read something like this right now, so thank you, fireflywy.

 

OP: I'm almost at 4 months NC and 3 months was just as hard. Please don't compare your life to others. There are simply too many different variables in each circumstance. Your brother had GIGS and his fiancee was a saint to even take him back (depending on how you look at it though). As for you, your ex doesn't need to break up with you for a year (if that is even what is really happening here) to sort out his life. You want to be with someone who is capable of communicating with you about stress and depression, weather all sorts of storms together, instead of simply throwing in the towel and to even have the nerve to suggest having you still at his beck and call when it suits him! He figured out what is more important and you are not it and that should not be acceptable to you at all. Keep living your life. Don't you dare put it on hold for a man who pulls this sort of stunt. You need to be angry. Really spend this time confronting all the things that were glaring at you right in face during the relationship that indicated he is not a suitable partner. I am only just now finally coming out of the denial fog and actually undertaking this exercise myself. I think for the first 3-4 months you are still clinging on to hope but the longer you keep up NC I think you will agree you at least have more clarity, however in denial most of you feels.

[fireflywy]

Thanks for your responses... and the very detailed one Fireflyfw. I totally understand what you're saying, and I'd be happily thinking along those lines if it weren't for my brother. Him and his now fiancee broke up after 2 years of dating for 6 months... during which time he ran off with another girl!! He eventually realised the grass wasn't greener and went back to the original girlfriend and they've been together anotherr 4 years now... due to be married in May. So I know now of a time when it has worked after a breakup - albeit that I do know this is very rare.

 

It is very rare and the dynamics of their relationship may not match yours. I think you should seriously consider go into "No Hope Here" mode and let the future take care of itself and it WILL and for the better if you just let the future in.

 

Best of luck to you. You will get through this befuddled time.

[CripplingMe]

I pretty much concur with what everyone has said on this forum.

 

 

I've been on the receiving end of being dumped - twice by the same person - and recently did the dumping, with the same person.

 

 

When I was the dumpee, I struggled exactly the same as you did and found it very very hard to move on. The only way I could help myself move on, as much as it pained me at the time, was to block him on my phone etc.

 

 

It was hard not to think about him every hour of every day - hell, even every minute of every hour.

 

 

Even this time around, when I ended the relationship, I still think about him a lot through the day. It's hard not to when you spend a lot of time with a person, or a long time (mine was 5 years).

 

 

I think what I did previously and what I am doing today, is trying to adapt/live with the idea of him not being in my life anymore. I can't completely control not thinking about him, but I try to keep myself occupied, mentally, with other things in my life.

 

 

He's like a constant ache and a constant shadow on my heart that won't shift, but I know will gradually go over time. I know it's going to take me a long time and that is a bitter pill to swallow, as I don't want him to occupy my thoughts so much, it pains me.

 

 

Its very very hard for me, but I'm coping and I feel a deep ache when I realise he is no longer part of my life. Him, his family, his dog, the memories of his home, his bed - I can still smell him even if he's not there.

 

 

Time, keeping yourself busy and a very strong will and coping mechanism are key to easing the pain and keeping the thoughts at bay. Time can be one's arch nemesis, and hope also. Hope can be dangerous and it takes a lot of will power to stop hoping and trying to move on. I too get sick of people saying 'let go' and try to 'move on' - sick of it. My heart doesn't want to in part, but I am definitely training my brain to without a doubt, for my own health and happiness. For it is my own happiness why I made such a decision.

[sportygirl]

This:

 

He's like a constant ache and a constant shadow on my heart that won't shift, but I know will gradually go over time. I know it's going to take me a long time and that is a bitter pill to swallow, as I don't want him to occupy my thoughts so much, it pains me.

 

Its very very hard for me, but I'm coping and I feel a deep ache when I realise he is no longer part of my life. Him, his family, his dog, the memories of his home, his bed - I can still smell him even if he's not there.

 

^^ Made my cry! You have it down to a tee. I'm at a friends wedding today, and its just making me think of him so much more. Everything has been blocked on my phone for a couple of weeks... but its not that he'll message me.... my problem is that I want to be messaging him. I've spent the whole last 2 weeks in a battle with myself - I want him back so desperately and want to remind him of what we were... it takes a lot for me not to message. It just doesn't seem to make sense in my mind that he doesn't want to be 'us' anymore. I'm broken.