Almost 6 months on and I'm still hoping he'll come back :-(

[hippychick3]

I am so sorry for your pain. You are taking the right steps (therapy, scheduling a retreat). All you can do now is take care of you and go through the grieving process. It WILL get easier in time. Whatever pain you feel right now will not last forever. There will eventually be other men in your future, and this man will be a distant memory who will no longer invoke any feelings in you.

[Silver_star]

Also... not sure whether to respond or not to the message. It was a nicely written message so clear he wasn't trying to hurt me, s ignoring feels wrong. At the same time, I do want to point out that whilst I accept it if that really is the reason, I do feel it was all in haste... at the time we'd both been stressed with the new house, him changing jobs, being at a distance etc.... so based on a time when emotions were high. I do believe if he took a step back at the time it could have ended so different.

 

 

 

I wouldn't even bother with a response. Sorry that he hurt you like this. It's awful isn't it? I understand your pain.

 

 

The excuses he is trying to get out now are only to alleviate his guilt. He "cant quite describe it" because its all bull****. He is making stuff up on the fly because he acted selfishly without any regard for your feelings. You got completely left out of the equation. I mean would he have even be telling you this if you hadn't found out he was in town to begin with?

Don't write back. Don't waste your energy.

[Itspointless]

Before I could hide behind it being the new job / love of the navy that kept us apart. Now I know for sure the relationship wasn't right for him

Had he ever trouble with trust and intimacy? And did he ever rely on you when stressed? Or made stress him distance from you. Reading your post makes me feel you had a relation with someone who was dismissive-avoidant attached.

[Meli22]

OP, sorry for what you're going through. I've heard those lines too "something is missing" so I can feel your pain.

 

The most important thing to remember is its not about you, it's all him. You did the best you could in your time together but sometimes relationships don't make the long haul.

 

The second important thing is to ignore his one year BS. He's spewing that line to keep you on the back burner if his plan b, c, and d don't work out. Don't fall for it. Don't even listen to it.

 

Start the healing process so that you get to the point where you can smile and tell yourself that you're too good for him anyway. That'll come, believe me.

[makemineamac]

So what does all of this tell you about this incredible prize of a person.

 

Just reading your posts it's so obvious that you're a loving, caring individual. You don't seriously think he deserves someone like you do you? Of course not.

 

You deserve better and will find better. All in good time.

 

And look at all the support you're getting on here from all these wonderful people! They really are an amazing bunch.

 

Heartache is the worst kind. At some point here though you are going to have to start thinking about you and not him. He simply does not deserve the energy you're consuming on him.

 

There will be no more answers than what he has given you, and in the end I think you will eventually be thankful it ended, because what if this happened after you got the house, 2 years from now? Better it's over.

 

So this is yours now. Yours to choose when this ends for you. When are you going to stop letting his decision impact you? You deserve better and so many people here have your back.

 

All the best to you.

[sportygirl]

Thanks for all of your comments. Im still completely and utterly heartbroken no matter what mindset I try and put myself in. Its just a real kicker knowing he's just an hour away for a short time before he goes back on the boat and doesn't want to see me. Every minute we once had in the same country used to mean so much. I don't understand how I can mean so little to him in such a short space of time. Getting up for work is getting harder every day.

[Itspointless]

I don't understand how I can mean so little to him in such a short space of time.

Have you already read about attachment styles?

[sportygirl]

I haven't, no... will take a google. In my mind if someone can be like that then it throws into question all that we had... all we ever said and did mustn't have meant anything... that's the only way I can rationalise it :-( which is pretty dis-heartening.... but I will take a google at attachment styles.

[Itspointless]

I haven't, no... will take a google. In my mind if someone can be like that then it throws into question all that we had... all we ever said and did mustn't have meant anything... that's the only way I can rationalise it :-( which is pretty dis-heartening.... but I will take a google at attachment styles.

It is tempting to think like that. Some people cannot handle intimacy due to their history. it perhaps can be even so that you were to good for him to be true. Unfortunately, that does not mean that it this situation will repair itself. I can recommend books and articles about the topic if you want. If you fell in love with such a person it is also recommended to investigate why you fell in love with him. Usually it points to things we need to work on ourselves.

[fonoma]

It is tempting to think like that. Some people cannot handle intimacy due to their history. it perhaps can be even so that you were to good for him to be true. Unfortunately, that does not mean that it this situation will repair itself. I can recommend books and articles about the topic if you want. If you fell in love with such a person it is also recommended to investigate why you fell in love with him. Usually it points to things we need to work on ourselves.

 

 

I'd appreciate some of those recommendations if you have a second. I've experienced similar things to sportygirl in the last two years. After I went through an abbreviated but intense version of a very similar story (less than two months) I read up on attachment theory and realized I was experiencing textbook anxious attachment and the guy seemed pretty avoidant.

 

He had a textbook avoidant attachment childhood (father left the family and stopped contact with him). He came on way strong and swept me off my feet and then backtracked out of nowhere, all the while I was going crazy with anxiety. I also discovered many months later that he was dating another girl that I know he met while we were together, so who knows– that might have been why he did the slow fade. The book "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller helped me tremendously as I sat in the bookstore for a full afternoon, finishing most of it.

 

Unfortunately, I jumped into a rebound relationship the same day that one ended with a recently divorced man who told me he used to have a secure attachment (until the divorce). While he was a good boyfriend, he started experiencing avoidant behaviors and kept pushing me away. He really wanted a committed relationship and a future but he just wasn't ready. We broke up once with the hope of maybe getting back together in a few months or a year, he lasted two weeks and was miserable while I was heartbroken but moving on. Things were great for 2-3 months before he started pulling away little by little. It was a constant push-and-pull dance for a while. We broke up again now after over a year together. I'm dreading hearing that he found out he didn't love me after all or that we too just "had something missing" like the last guy told me.

 

I'm rereading that book and need to figure myself out so this never happens again

[Amelie1980]

It is tempting to think like that. Some people cannot handle intimacy due to their history. it perhaps can be even so that you were to good for him to be true. Unfortunately, that does not mean that it this situation will repair itself. I can recommend books and articles about the topic if you want. If you fell in love with such a person it is also recommended to investigate why you fell in love with him. Usually it points to things we need to work on ourselves.

 

You know I was involved with a guy like this. He didnt seem capable of attachment. But then he cheated on me and married her a couple of years later. Theory not proven or so I thought.

 

I know I shouldn't have but I looked up some stuff. And found that the one he cheated on me with lived 200 miles away from him. It's a good 3-4 hour drive or a long train journey. You cant just drop in or arrange last minute date.

 

now that they are married she is still listed as living 200 miles away. And her linkedin says she is now doing a masters course up for another 3 years, she works a job there too and is also doing graduate school teaching 8 hours a week.

 

my ex was fiercely protective of his job he got just before we split up. It was the job of his dreams. He wouldnt have given that up to move to her and he hasnt.....he still lives there and works there.

 

I looked up the online register....she isnt even on the register as

Living with him. she has her own place and he his. So the married couple are going to live together when? They both have their own homes and own jobs / degrees 200 miles apart and this will continue until least 2018.

 

I thought it was just me he was detached from. But look at his "marriage" ...they dont even live anywhere near each other amd officially she doesn't live with him.

 

So although he has committed to someone via marriage, he is not living with her so he has still maintained a distance. Is that preferable to him because he is detached? Who knows. But I find it interesting.

 

I wonder what will happen when / if the time comes that they live together full time. Will he want that?

[Itspointless]

I'd appreciate some of those recommendations if you have a second. I've experienced similar things to sportygirl in the last two years. After I went through an abbreviated but intense version of a very similar story (less than two months) I read up on attachment theory and realized I was experiencing textbook anxious attachment and the guy seemed pretty avoidant.

 

He had a textbook avoidant attachment childhood (father left the family and stopped contact with him). He came on way strong and swept me off my feet and then backtracked out of nowhere, all the while I was going crazy with anxiety. I also discovered many months later that he was dating another girl that I know he met while we were together, so who knows– that might have been why he did the slow fade. The book "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller helped me tremendously as I sat in the bookstore for a full afternoon, finishing most of it.

 

Unfortunately, I jumped into a rebound relationship the same day that one ended with a recently divorced man who told me he used to have a secure attachment (until the divorce). While he was a good boyfriend, he started experiencing avoidant behaviors and kept pushing me away. He really wanted a committed relationship and a future but he just wasn't ready. We broke up once with the hope of maybe getting back together in a few months or a year, he lasted two weeks and was miserable while I was heartbroken but moving on. Things were great for 2-3 months before he started pulling away little by little. It was a constant push-and-pull dance for a while. We broke up again now after over a year together. I'm dreading hearing that he found out he didn't love me after all or that we too just "had something missing" like the last guy told me.

 

I'm rereading that book and need to figure myself out so this never happens again[/img]

Hi Fonoma, I am sorry that you experienced something like this too; my ex also was of the type. She pushed me away after a few months, when a medical situation of hers came back. When I discovered this particular attachment style, I could explain so many things about her that I had noticed from the beginning that it almost was scary to read. Unfortunately I never met someone else that had felt so good, so it was quite a shock.

 

 

It is good that you already found some insides and yes the book Attached is a nice start, although I also have some critical points regarding the book. There are some great articles and videos you can find on Google:

 

Stan Tatkin, Psy.D.

‘addiction to alone time ‐‐ avoidant attachment’

‘I want you in the house, just not in my room... unless I ask you’

 

Robert T. Muller, Ph.D

‘trauma and dismissing (avoidant) attachment, intervention strategies in individual psychotherapy’

 

Youtube, eye-opening videos:

Therapist Mirel Goldstein:

Prof. Dr Dan Siegel:

 

Books:

‘Why can't I change?: how to conquer your self-destructive patterns’ by Dr. Shirley Impellizzeri’, a must read!

‘Adult Attachment Patterns in a Treatment Context: Relationship and narrative’, by Sarah Daniel, academic, but excellent chapters on the attachment styles.

 

There are some more books, but this is a pretty complete list of the things that helped me most.

[Itspointless]

You know I was involved with a guy like this. He didnt seem capable of attachment. But then he cheated on me and married her a couple of years later. Theory not proven or so I thought. [...] So although he has committed to someone via marriage, he is not living with her so he has still maintained a distance. Is that preferable to him because he is detached? Who knows. But I find it interesting.

 

I wonder what will happen when / if the time comes that they live together full time. Will he want that?

Thank you for sharing Amelie, appreciate that! I can imagine that it must be comforting to have found that information about them. As for your last sentence, if this profile fits him like it seems, than it probably will cause problems with him distancing from her.

[Amelie1980]

Thank you for sharing Amelie, appreciate that! I can imagine that it must be comforting to have found that information about them. As for your last sentence, if this profile fits him like it seems, than it probably will cause problems with him distancing from her.

 

I could be wrong about their relationship.....but what is the point of marrying if you're not going to live together?

 

I wouldn't want to live 200 miles from my husband and not even officially be living at his home. She is not on the voting register at his address and he is not registered at her address. I would hate to not live with my husband.

[Itspointless]

I could be wrong about their relationship.....but what is the point of marrying if you're not going to live together?

 

I wouldn't want to live 200 miles from my husband and not even officially be living at his home. She is not on the voting register at his address and he is not registered at her address. I would hate to not live with my husband.

Well some people marry more for a feeling of convenience than love. Perhaps the idea and possibility to do things together - like for example trips or vacations together - is more important for them. Or perhaps they are both workaholics, having a marriage like a business-arrangement. My ex was a workaholic. She already had warned me about that.

[Amelie1980]

Well some people marry more for a feeling of convenience than love. Perhaps the idea and possibility to do things together - like for example trips or vacations together - is more important for them. Or perhaps they are both workaholics, having a marriage like a business-arrangement. My ex was a workaholic. She already had warned me about that.

 

Possibly. I don't know. I just find it weird to get married and live separate lives still. They are both 39 and her plans put her 200 miles away for another 3 years....she'll be 42. Children?

[sportygirl]

Thanks for the book recommendations Itspointless. I'll be googling those today.

 

I'm very much struggling today.... I just seems to really be hitting home that there won't be any more adventures together, and all the moments we shared now need to be forgotten and obviously meant a lot less to him than they did to me. This hurts.

 

My mind keeps telling me to just accept that he's gone, but my heart remembers the amazing moments and finds it hard to believe that things couldn't have meant as much... which makes me want to fight for us still :-( I don't know what to do anymore.

[sportygirl]

So on a day I start to look towards a future that's not with him (extremely hard to do), he messages and asks me to remove any tags on Facebook and any joint albums. Out of the blue... and even pre-faces it with 'hey sweetie'. This makes me feel so much worse for so many different reasons. Not only have I had to deal with him not wanting a future, he wants to erase all that we were, and on top of that, wants it to be me that does the removal! It just shows even more what he thought of me. In my efforts to be a good girlfriend I've obviously come across as a complete doormat.

[pidgeon1010]

So on a day I start to look towards a future that's not with him (extremely hard to do), he messages and asks me to remove any tags on Facebook and any joint albums. Out of the blue... and even pre-faces it with 'hey sweetie'. This makes me feel so much worse for so many different reasons. Not only have I had to deal with him not wanting a future, he wants to erase all that we were, and on top of that, wants it to be me that does the removal! It just shows even more what he thought of me. In my efforts to be a good girlfriend I've obviously come across as a complete doormat.

 

What a douche. I would ignore his message and delete him as a Facebook friend. Sounds like he is trying to push your buttons since he hasn't heard from you in awhile.

[Itspointless]

So on a day I start to look towards a future that's not with him (extremely hard to do), he messages and asks me to remove any tags on Facebook and any joint albums. Out of the blue... and even pre-faces it with 'hey sweetie'. This makes me feel so much worse for so many different reasons. Not only have I had to deal with him not wanting a future, he wants to erase all that we were, and on top of that, wants it to be me that does the removal! It just shows even more what he thought of me. In my efforts to be a good girlfriend I've obviously come across as a complete doormat.

It sounds manipulative. He can remove tags of himself by himself, can't he? I would ignore him if I were you, you are not his maid.

[sportygirl]

Thanks pidgeon1010 and Itspointless.... I was wondering if I was just being oversensitive. Hearing confirmation of my thoughts is very calming :-)

[Amelie1980]

Dont reply and block him on facebook. That will automatically remove all tags.

 

What a twat.

[sportygirl]

Cripes... we just had a good old text battle about this. We've never fully argued before. I told him not to message any more. I was honest and said I'm just too hurt to keep up any kind of comms. He's just said he has good memories and goodbye.

 

I feel like yet again we've broken up and I'm alone. I feel petty for getting grumpy at him for asking me to change Facebook of all things, and I feel daft for telling him I'm hurting 2.5 months down the line. I just feel like there was so much left unsaid, and Facebook was just the tipping point. I feel shattered on so many levels and so alone in all this.

 

How do I pick myself back up from this?

[sportygirl]

Again... back to feeling like its day1 of the breakup. I've deleted his number and cancelled my Facebook. I'm dreading the day I go back on there and see all traces of us removed.

[sportygirl]

I wish it hadn't come to this. I'd hoped we'd remain in touch and he'd come back. I thought being in contact or keeping the lines open would allow that to happen. I've told him to leave me alone now and he's obliged. That's it. He's gone. For good and it hurts so much right now.