What are my immediate next steps?

[turnera]

Well, happy birthday, and I hope your friends get you laid tonight so you remember what it's like to be desired, so you can ditch this loser.

[ShatteredLady]

When I first came to this forum I had no idea that my H was having an affair. I had asked if there was another woman (I've NEVER done that before so obviously my instincts were telling me something) his denial was so strong, so complete, I foolishly believed him!

 

He continued to completely mess with my head from New Years Day until Mothers Day. Having been 'on trial' believing it was all my fault I was loosing my family for all those months completely messed my head up. I was walking on egg shells. If I did the 'right' thing I could keep my family. One false move & I lost everything!

 

Of course, I never knew what the 'right' thing was. He refused to tell me.

 

By the time I discovered his A I was so lost & broken I reacted with such pathetic weakness I'm still embarrassed! Members here were giving me the same advise as they're giving you. I ignored it!! I didn't want to be divorced after 26 years!! I wanted to fix my family for myself & my little children.

 

He lied again & again. I started to snoop. I found all kinds of emails between them. It was sickening. His behavior went from bad to worse. Finally I had enough, I flipped!! I told him to go to her. It was over...

 

Suddenly everything changed!! He couldn't live without me. He was going to kill himself (ultimate threat! My brother took his life & my H knows how utterly devastating that's been for everyone I love). He hasn't had any contact with her since the no contact message he sent that night!

 

If I'd followed advise here not only could I of saved myself months of insanity, I could have some self-esteem left at this point!

 

My H optimistically said to me a few days later, "This proves how strong we are! You saved our M. If we can get through this we can get through anything!".

 

NO!! I think our chances of reconciling would be far better if I hadn't humiliated myself playing the 'pick me' game. It allowed him to treat me like poop for month after excruitiating month. To be honest he thinks things are ok, back to normal. I'm contemplating divorce & crying everyday! It's NOT the A I can't forgive, it's the lies & cruelty, the utter contempt he showed me.

[aliveagain]

Single guy never wanted her just her vagina, sorry for being so blunt but that is the reality she is now trying to avoid having to face. She will have to accept that she was used and just a piece on the side for some POS that had little to no respect for her or her marriage. It is very common that once the affair is discovered they run because they don't want a relationship, it was only about the cheap sex. Single guy didn't have to spend a lot of money on her to get what he wanted, your the one paying for her. Now that she is available he looses his interest, your right, she comes with a ton of baggage. He knows that if she will cheat on you she will probably cheat on him. Be ready for her to do a complete turn around, your her back up plan.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Mnek,

 

You do need to work on yourself first and foremost. For example you next to last post started: "if any one is still interested" is indicative of a very passive aggressive response. It would seem you are trying to guilt trip people into responding. Work with an IC to see if you have this trait and if so change.

 

Going forward be prepared. Remember the 6 basic rules of "P". Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Prerformce. You need to know where you are at, your WW is at, how you got there, what you want as a result, why you want the outcome to be, and several possible choices to get there.

 

On the top of the Infidelity page there are two perment posts by AbeNormal. Have you read them? One is the 180 and the other for what a WS needs to know. The "what your WS needs to know" will actually provide you a great deal of insight into your self. Here are the links:

 

Mr Lucky is half right. The real issue for you is getting out of infidelity. Getting out of a three person marriage. That can be by reconciliation or divorce. The choice should be yours

 

What the pro D team is telling you is also correct but only half right. Again he issue isn't R or D but how to get out of infidelity. They are quite right that wishing and hoping and begging and tears won't do it. Nor will dancing the Pick Me dance help. Nor will bring Mr Nice Guy. Those choices only let her sit on he fence more comfortably.

 

Give her your list of nonnegotiable points she must agree to if she wants to try to save the marriage. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know. You are looking for acts of remorse (ie her doing what you require of her) and. It words of remorse or tears from her. Words are cheap and you know she's capable

Of lying.

 

If she says no or asks for the infamous space and time implement the 180 on her so you can detach. You'll have to learn to live your life without her if she isn't a suitable candidate for R.

 

Think about a lawyer consultation so you have a real idea rather than speculation what a D would look like for you. You need not file simply because you have seen a lawyer. Don't tell her, either. Why give her a free legal

Education?

[Jersey born raised]

Hey, have a happy birthday! Kinda hard at this point I know but spend it with family and friends.

[Mnek]

Over the past month since my last post she has not seen him outside of work but she continues to text him weekly and they see each other at work. He continues to deny her and usually doesn't answer her texts. They cannot have much interaction at work since no one there knows and they definitely don't want anyone to get suspicious. He seems to be very very concerned with anyone at work finding out so again it appears he is done with this and she is practically begging him for another chance (to which he doesn't respond). She says she regrets going on the trip with me because that gave him the opportunity to slip away and now she really misses him.

 

She feels like both AP and I have broken her heart and she doesn't know what to do.

 

So meanwhile, she wants to live separately for 3 months in which we will try to date again. She is moving out today into her own apartment a few blocks away. We have agreed to take divorce off the table and not see or sleep with other people during this time. We have agreed the goal of this is to see if there is something to salvage, not to find a replacement.

 

So I really don't know what to do. I don't know which version of her to believe.

I don't talk to her at all during the work day but we are going out to dinner on Friday night (she asked me).

She obviously is still in an affair/withdrawal from AP but I am afraid to abandon her and this plan to date again since that is what she feels like I did wrong (I did not put any effort into R, did not celebrate wedding anniv, etc. after we got married). I guess 180/LRT is the only thing to do but its very counter intuitive especially in my situation because abandoning her is just more of the same behavior for me.

 

P.S. I have met with a divorce lawyer and there is no benefit to filing right now. We don't own anything so she will just get half of our cash and my retirement. Now that we are living separate, she would even be entitled to spousal support which I don't want to pay. Luckily she is not educated on any of this. There is also no legal separation in my state.

[S2B]

IF she were working to save the marriage she wouldn't still be working with him - and she certainly wouldn't be moving out.

 

Looks like she's got you suckered into believing a heap of her lies.

 

Start taking care of yourself. She's taking you for a ride...mainly because you allow it.

 

I don't see any reason to take her out - until she quits the job and has absolutely NO contact with her OM for months!

 

Are you in counseling? You need help to find your back bone.

 

 

Who's funding her new place?

[ladydesigner]

IF she were working to save the marriage she wouldn't still be working with him - and she certainly wouldn't be moving out.

 

Looks like she's got you suckered into believing a heap of her lies.

 

Start taking care of yourself. She's taking you for a ride...mainly because you allow it.

 

I don't see any reason to take her out - until she quits the job and has absolutely NO contact with her OM for months!

 

Are you in counseling? You need help to find your back bone.

 

 

Who's funding her new place?

 

Agree

 

 

but I am afraid to abandon her and this plan to date again since that is what she feels like I did wrong (I did not put any effort into R, did not celebrate wedding anniv, etc. after we got married). I guess 180/LRT is the only thing to do but its very counter intuitive especially in my situation because abandoning her is just more of the same behavior for me.

 

Mnek your WW still works and keeps in contact with the OM. Regardless of whether OM wants her or not she seems to still want him and that is still an EA to me. She never went NC and feels you did R wrong (you weren't ever in R with her still contacting the OM). You haven't done anything wrong Mnek. She has and continues to.

 

I honestly think you should use the separation to help you detach. Once you detach you won't be able to tolerate her fence-sitting and blameshifting.

 

I think you are in the bargaining stage. It's normal and I know you want things to work out, but they can't until NC has been firmly established with the OM.

[Lady Hamilton]

I did the whole "I'm going to move out so we can see if dating will fix us" thing.

 

In reality, it was easier than ending the marriage outright and it made it easier to have the affair.

[Marc878]

Over the past month since my last post she has not seen him outside of work but she continues to text him weekly and they see each other at work. He continues to deny her and usually doesn't answer her texts. They cannot have much interaction at work since no one there knows and they definitely don't want anyone to get suspicious. He seems to be very very concerned with anyone at work finding out so again it appears he is done with this and she is practically begging him for another chance (to which he doesn't respond). She says she regrets going on the trip with me because that gave him the opportunity to slip away and now she really misses him.

 

She feels like both AP and I have broken her heart and she doesn't know what to do.

 

So meanwhile, she wants to live separately for 3 months in which we will try to date again. She is moving out today into her own apartment a few blocks away. We have agreed to take divorce off the table and not see or sleep with other people during this time. We have agreed the goal of this is to see if there is something to salvage, not to find a replacement.

 

So I really don't know what to do. I don't know which version of her to believe.

I don't talk to her at all during the work day but we are going out to dinner on Friday night (she asked me).

She obviously is still in an affair/withdrawal from AP but I am afraid to abandon her and this plan to date again since that is what she feels like I did wrong (I did not put any effort into R, did not celebrate wedding anniv, etc. after we got married). I guess 180/LRT is the only thing to do but its very counter intuitive especially in my situation because abandoning her is just more of the same behavior for me.

 

P.S. I have met with a divorce lawyer and there is no benefit to filing right now. We don't own anything so she will just get half of our cash and my retirement. Now that we are living separate, she would even be entitled to spousal support which I don't want to pay. Luckily she is not educated on any of this. There is also no legal separation in my state.

 

she is moving out to make it easier for her to be with AP. Your biggest problem is fear. You're affraid you might push her away? She's already gone. Do full exposure if you want to try and salvage this. Being weak and timid has gotten you where you are. Get strong and take control of your life. Women want strong men not doormats. Oh she'll feed you some breadcrumbs but that's about it. You are plan B and fading.

[oldlion]

Young sir, if you are having all this trouble after only one and a half years of marriage, stop and really consider how it will be after 5 years or 10 years, with maybe even children to consider. Do not stay with someone that loves someone else. That is a set-up for misery. You have basically been "fired" as her husband and she is trying very hard to replace you with someone else. There are over 3 billion women in this world. Many of them would be glad to be with you. My advice...."Run Forest run". Then go pick one that will love you as much as you love her. I wish you well.

[aliveagain]

Friend, she is the aggressor, she is the one chasing the other man. Fire her, she's a real sh*tty wife. One and a half years of marriage and she's openly dating, what's to decide? Stop trying to convince yourself that what you have is a marriage and it needs saving. Don't let someone who makes bad decisions have this much control over your future, she's all in or kick her cheating a$$ out.

[BrownHairedGuy]

Mnek,

 

I hate to see that after a month this is where you are. Although I'm glad to see that you've at least met with a divorce lawyer. As others have said, usually when the WS moves out it's to make it easier to continue the affair. From the sound of it her AP wants nothing to do with her. So she most likely is using the apartment as a way to slowly detach herself from you. If she really loved you and wanted to work on your marriage she would stay in the house and BE WITH YOU.

 

"I have met with a divorce lawyer and there is no benefit to filing right now". Actually there is a huge benefit to filing right now. Instead of waiting and dealing with this situation any longer, you can begin the healing process that much faster and be that much closer to moving on with your life and going on dates and finding someone that actually loves and respects you.

[S2B]

Filing now normally indicates a date that assets become separate.

 

She would become responsible for her spending etc - which would mean she pays for her new place... And any new debt she incurs.

 

If you don't - normally you are responsible for at least half of what she spends.

 

You sure you want to incur your debt and hers?

[oldshirt]

Why have you agreed to take divorce off the table if she is still pursuing the OM?

 

Why have you agreed to "date" her if she she is moving out?

 

Why have you agreed to not date other people when she is clearly still try to get with OM?

 

Why are you not moving on with your life while she is moving on with her's?

 

Why are you accepting the terms and conditions of a known cheater who is exiting the marital home?

 

As the betrayed party, Why are you not stating YOUR terms and condition for you to remain in the marriage and then for not divorcing when she doesn't meet them?

 

Why are you holding on to a toxic and exploitive marriage that is less than two years old with no minor children and no joint property?

 

Please answer these very legitimate and valid questions.