What are my immediate next steps?

[BrownHairedGuy]

Again, reading your posts is like deja vu. This mirrors exactly what was going on between my wife and I. Like you, I would have done anything to save my marriage but there's no way of doing that when your spouse is not willing to put in the effort.

 

What she might be doing right now is trying to drag things out. You said the co-worker was not married so he's single (no girlfriend?)? If so, your wife was probably just an easy lay for him, a no strings attached relationship where he didn't have to take her out to dinner or buy her gifts. They just meet up and have their fun. He's probably shown no commitment to her (and probably never will), and she wants to be with him but she's afraid of letting go of your branch and swinging to his when there's a chance his might snap and she will fall.

 

My wife said she wanted to go to a counselor by herself a few times before we went together (again, dragging things out a couple of weeks before we even went to one together). I had a tracker on her car to get proof for myself that she was still going over to his house and she was. When i told her i was filing for divorce i got no remorse from her and the tracker showed her staying the night at his house every night the next week. I also saw that she never went to her counselor appointment she had made.

 

I know exactly what you're feeling right now, but I really do think you need to let her go. It will be the toughest thing you've ever had to do and I'm not going to lie to you, you'll feel like **** for a good 2 - 3 months. But after a while you'll start to adjust, and you'll feel better about life than you ever have before. You'll no longer have to worry about if your wife is texting another man when she steps out of the room, or wondering if she really is just running errands on a Saturday afternoon and not over at his house. It doesn't matter what "issues" she's dealing with, there is nothing in a marriage that renders an adult woman incapable of knowing fundamental right from wrong or leaving them bereft of any compassion for the people they are hurting. She has no respect for you. Pull yourself together, stand up tall, and go file for divorce and let her know what you did. Let her know that you will no longer tolerate her holding onto your branch with just one hand.

[ladydesigner]

Damn, you guys are going to hate me for saying this but you are all right. After a real d day and some show of remorse we agreed she would stop talking to him and we would give therapy a try. I guess she was just scared she got caught not worried about how she is treating me. I found yet a 3rd different chat app on her phone that she uses to continue to talk to him. She is in deep and it's going to be difficult for her to end it with him. It blows my mind because this relationship with OM has only been going on for like a month! How can someone be so insane to throw away their whole life for one month? I can't comprehend it. I'm going to IC this weekend to see if it will help me get over these feeling of confusion and anger.

 

She is going to IC to get help also. She at least admits she has issues and wants to figure out how and why this happened. She does say stuff like she doesn't know how this happened. She's not sure if she wants to get a divorce. She is ambivalent she doesn't know what she wants.

 

I have spent some time thinking about if I would be willing to reconcile and forgive her. I have decided I can live with this and try to work through it but only if she is willing to put in the effort too. but she is putting forth zero effort as you all have said. At this point, I don't want to get divorced because the thought of her getting out of the marriage this way and getting half my stuff is ridiculous. I have an initial consultation with a lawyer next week.

 

I am obviously afraid of losing her but my anger is making me get over that fear quickly. As I said it's only been a month of this but she knows I know about OM and continues to treat me this way. Our marriage was not this bad for me to deserve this. She doesn't deserve me.

 

We exposed to parents but that shame was obviously not enough to make her stop. I am working on 180s and I need to start detaching like now. I assume that means, go to work, don't text her, come home, go to gym, eat, etc., don't talk to her much at home and go to bed.

 

I want to let her go but I can't decide if I want to just move out (we rent) or make her move out. It seems easier for me to just leave since we rent. I'll keep thinking about it. Thanks everyone.

 

OP you need to go the D route. Even if you don't actually get a D it might be enough to wake her up and if not you will already be halfway out the door.

 

I could not deal with an ongoing A.

[merrmeade]

I could not deal with an ongoing A.

No way on god's earth. She thinks she has all the choices because you've let her. You, first, need to do it (serve her) because it won't change unless she's white as a sheet, trembling and begging. My husband did that and we STILL had a rocky R!

[aliveagain]

Friend, you keep saying you don't want to loose her, what exactly do you call it when a married woman has a boyfriend? What makes you think you haven't lost her yet? If she can't decide between you and her affair partner the simple translation is "she's waiting for O/M to commit to her," your her back up if he doesn't. Waiting for her to commit just makes you look weak which is very unattractive. The other man is evasive which makes him look attractive and makes her want him more. Stop being available if you want a shot at saving your marriage. If I was in your position I wouldn't let someone who makes very bad decisions decide the fate of my marriage(which is what you are doing). Get some of your dignity back by taking control of what you have left, file, make her do the work but first she has to commit to being in the marriage. Don't settle for second best, don't be the consolation prize.

[oldshirt]

Friend, you keep saying you don't want to loose her, what exactly do you call it when a married woman has a boyfriend? What makes you think you haven't lost her yet? If she can't decide between you and her affair partner the simple translation is "she's waiting for O/M to commit to her," your her back up if he doesn't. Waiting for her to commit just makes you look weak which is very unattractive. The other man is evasive which makes him look attractive and makes her want him more. Stop being available if you want a shot at saving your marriage. If I was in your position I wouldn't let someone who makes very bad decisions decide the fate of my marriage(which is what you are doing). Get some of your dignity back by taking control of what you have left, file, make her do the work but first she has to commit to being in the marriage. Don't settle for second best, don't be the consolation prize.

 

 

 

Read this over and over and over again until it sinks in.

[oldshirt]

I said this in another thread but you really need to have it sink in as well.

 

 

For an affair to survive, it needs to have a marriage and it needs to have a supportive BS.

 

 

95% of affairs are based on the thrill and fun of exciting forbidden sex while their other needs and creature comforts are being provided by the marriage and by the BS.

 

 

Think of it like a flea on a dog. if the dog dies, the flea dies. The flea needs the dog to survive.

 

 

An affair is a parasite that saps the life blood of the marriage, but it needs the marriage to survive and it especially needs the BS to continue to provide the stable lifestyle, home, financial resources, payments of bills etc etc.

 

 

If the BS bolts and the marriage dissolves and the stability and support and lifestyle that the marriage provides is gone, Then the WS and the AP are stuck with each other.

 

 

The catch here is that 95% of the time, the BS and the AP are only in it for the kibbles and for the fun and excitement. They don't actually want to be together fulltime and it is very very rare that the other person is even the type of person that they want to date or marry or be with.

 

 

When the BS and the marriage goes, then nothing is fun and exciting anymore, life becomes work. The sex loses it's luster and the kibbles are gone.

 

 

In a few very very rare instances, the WS and the AP actually do fall in love, are compatible and do want to be together. In those rare instances, the marriage is toast and the WS is going to leave anyway so the BS might as well get an early running start on the rest of their life and start moving forward without the WS anyway.

 

 

The part that you aren't getting is you are actually supporting and nourishing this affair. You are providing her her safety net and lifestyle and her stability and security. Without it, she can't have fun and enjoy her motel romps with her OM.

 

 

And you are actually the OM's best friend and wingman here because without you, he would have to wine and dine her and suck up to her friends and family and help her take care of her house and help pay her bills, change the oil in her car and rub her feet. But as it stands right now, he has you to take care of all of that stuff and all he has to provide her is fun and orgasms. He has it made and he is doing it on your dime.

 

 

There is a 95% chance that if you toss her out and cut off all support and communication with her (other than legal stuff through your attorneys) he will go radio silent on her in a matter of days or weeks.

 

 

And also while she is out hiring lawyers and packing her stuff and looking for apartments and dealing with all the legal stuff, the last thing she is going to care about is meeting him at the park to give him a hummer.

 

 

Stop supporting her and stop trying to reconcile with her. Toss her out and let her fend for herself for awhile and the A will quickly die.

 

 

Once the $h!^ hits the fan with the A and the A ends in a painful death and she is alone again and finally grasping the damage that she has caused, then you can reassess and decide if you want to try to build your relationship with her from scratch again.

 

 

Either way, the relationship and marriage you had with her is forever gone and will never be the same. There is a slim chance you may be able to build a new relationship if you so choose, the innocence and purity of your prior R is forever gone.

 

 

To kill the parasite, you have to get rid of the host and that host is you supporting your wife and providing her a comfortable lifestyle to the point where she is able to grab stolen moments of fun and excitement with the OM.

[ladydesigner]

I said this in another thread but you really need to have it sink in as well.

 

 

For an affair to survive, it needs to have a marriage and it needs to have a supportive BS.

 

 

95% of affairs are based on the thrill and fun of exciting forbidden sex while their other needs and creature comforts are being provided by the marriage and by the BS.

 

 

Think of it like a flea on a dog. if the dog dies, the flea dies. The flea needs the dog to survive.

 

 

An affair is a parasite that saps the life blood of the marriage, but it needs the marriage to survive and it especially needs the BS to continue to provide the stable lifestyle, home, financial resources, payments of bills etc etc.

 

 

If the BS bolts and the marriage dissolves and the stability and support and lifestyle that the marriage provides is gone, Then the WS and the AP are stuck with each other.

 

 

The catch here is that 95% of the time, the BS and the AP are only in it for the kibbles and for the fun and excitement. They don't actually want to be together fulltime and it is very very rare that the other person is even the type of person that they want to date or marry or be with.

 

 

When the BS and the marriage goes, then nothing is fun and exciting anymore, life becomes work. The sex loses it's luster and the kibbles are gone.

 

 

In a few very very rare instances, the WS and the AP actually do fall in love, are compatible and do want to be together. In those rare instances, the marriage is toast and the WS is going to leave anyway so the BS might as well get an early running start on the rest of their life and start moving forward without the WS anyway.

 

 

The part that you aren't getting is you are actually supporting and nourishing this affair. You are providing her her safety net and lifestyle and her stability and security. Without it, she can't have fun and enjoy her motel romps with her OM.

 

 

And you are actually the OM's best friend and wingman here because without you, he would have to wine and dine her and suck up to her friends and family and help her take care of her house and help pay her bills, change the oil in her car and rub her feet. But as it stands right now, he has you to take care of all of that stuff and all he has to provide her is fun and orgasms. He has it made and he is doing it on your dime.

 

 

There is a 95% chance that if you toss her out and cut off all support and communication with her (other than legal stuff through your attorneys) he will go radio silent on her in a matter of days or weeks.

 

 

And also while she is out hiring lawyers and packing her stuff and looking for apartments and dealing with all the legal stuff, the last thing she is going to care about is meeting him at the park to give him a hummer.

 

 

Stop supporting her and stop trying to reconcile with her. Toss her out and let her fend for herself for awhile and the A will quickly die.

 

 

Once the $h!^ hits the fan with the A and the A ends in a painful death and she is alone again and finally grasping the damage that she has caused, then you can reassess and decide if you want to try to build your relationship with her from scratch again.

 

 

Either way, the relationship and marriage you had with her is forever gone and will never be the same. There is a slim chance you may be able to build a new relationship if you so choose, the innocence and purity of your prior R is forever gone.

 

 

To kill the parasite, you have to get rid of the host and that host is you supporting your wife and providing her a comfortable lifestyle to the point where she is able to grab stolen moments of fun and excitement with the OM.

 

Great analogy oldshirt your post rocks!

[Satu]

OP:

 

She's telling you what she thinks you want to hear, whilst at the same time doing the opposite.

 

She has absolutely no intention of cutting contact with the OM.

 

You should live separately.

 

File for divorce.

[turnera]

Did you expose to all her siblings? Her cousins? Her pastor? Her best friend? His wife/girlfriend/parents/friend?

 

WHY NOT?

[Jersey born raised]

How did your IC go this week-end? I want to stress her adultery does not define you. Your actual actions (not emotionally) define you. Your first thought is to strive to be s man YOU respect first and then those you respect. This is the guy you want to be. So I have several links for you and two thougts. The links

 

Basic links*

 

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

What is DARVO?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Pay attention to DARVO it will happen.

 

My thoughts are first wether you move on or not be this guy.

 

Why improve yourself *by Pixe

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He owned his behavior.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

 

Second you are allow to change you mind on a dime so prepare for reconciliation but also to be ready to drop the "mike"

 

Dropping the mike (I dud not write, posted by another)*

 

 

Do it for you. Trust me, at some point you are going to wish that you had that moment to just call her out on her cheating. I mean a simple opener like, "Since you felt guilty about the things you did with the true love of your life while we were married, I want to set you free."*

 

I am a fan of "dropping the mike". A euphemism here for saying all that needs to be said. A quick, cool, and calculated confrontation followed by a plan of action is the most devastating thing you can do. AFTER YOU HAVE HIRED THE LAWYER and followed their advice on locking down finances, etc.*

 

If you are allowed to separate the money early, get what ever keepsakes you want ready to take, get credit cards separated and no longer joint obligations so she can rack up debt, etc., do it. She will go for the credit cards to hire a lawyer and they need to be cancelled. That can happen in a day or two before you drop the bomb. Same with bank accounts, and lines of credit. Then Drop the mike.

 

Seriously, with the confrontation she is shocked at discovery, with the divorce filed she is rocked with immediate consequences, and with none of your money to use against you, she is already in the losing position. If she has her own money, fine. She just can't use yours against you. That is how the "mike is dropped"

 

Be Well.

[Mnek]

In case anyone is still interested in my situation. I am still so confused.

 

We both have been going to IC for a few weeks now. After her first appt, her therapist recommended a "30 day moritorium" where for the month of April, I ask no questions about the affair or pressure her to decide on our marriage and she will go NC with AP. So I agreed since I figured this was at least a small step in the right direction. We still live together so we have been just trying to act and talk normally again (before starting IC we got to a very uncomfortable point and basically couldn't be around each other). So that was going well and I had an international trip for work which there was an opportunity for her to come with me as a vacation. She decided to come. We hung out, talked (not about affair) and even had sex a couple times on the trip. I felt like we were starting to get somewhere.

 

So we both enjoyed the trip and we get home comfortable enough to start talking about the real issue at hand. Today she tells me she doesnt really feel like we can ever get back to the level of relationship we had before and that she didn't think she would ever not be with me until very recently. She goes on to say that in the past year (basically the time we have been married since we've only been married 1.5 years) she has been unhappy in our marriage. I know I took my focus off of her and put it onto my career but I never realized she was so unhappy that she was ready to end the relationship if things didn't change. And the cheating happend because she was basically done with us (but IMHO is too much of a coward to end it properly). She still isn't sure if she wants to get a divorce. I don't get it, why doesn't she just leave and stop wasting both of our time? It's almost like she is waiting for me to divorce her.

 

So obviously she is still going through withdrawl from her AP. AFAIK she is not talking to him outside of work (I mean who am I kidding, she probably is). But even if she is really NC with him, it still seems like she checked out of this marriage a year ago without telling me. Granted this is the first real conversation we have had since dday that involved calmly talking about the affair/issues that lead up to it so I don't know if things can change from here. But I can't help but wish my situation was like other posters I read on here where the WS is begging the BS for another chance.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Mnek
unfinished sentence

[ladydesigner]

In case anyone is still interested in my situation. I am still so confused.

 

We both have been going to IC for a few weeks now. After her first appt, her therapist recommended a "30 day moritorium" where for the month of April, I ask no questions about the affair or pressure her to decide on our marriage and she will go NC with AP. So I agreed since I figured this was at least a small step in the right direction. We still live together so we have been just trying to act and talk normally again (before starting IC we got to a very uncomfortable point and basically couldn't be around each other). So that was going well and I had an international trip for work which there was an opportunity for her to come with me as a vacation. She decided to come. We hung out, talked (not about affair) and even had sex a couple times on the trip. I felt like we were starting to get somewhere.

 

So we both enjoyed the trip and we get home comfortable enough to start talking about the real issue at hand. Today she tells me she doesnt really feel like we can ever get back to the level of relationship we had before and that she didn't think she would ever not be with me until very recently. She goes on to say that in the past year (basically the time we have been married since we've only been married 1.5 years) she has been unhappy in our marriage. I know I took my focus off of her and put it onto my career but I never realized she was so unhappy that she was ready to end the relationship if things didn't change. And the cheating happend because she was basically done with us (but IMHO is too much of a coward to end it properly). She still isn't sure if she wants to get a divorce. I don't get it, why doesn't she just leave and stop wasting both of our time? It's almost like she is waiting for me to divorce her.

 

So obviously she is still going through withdrawl from her AP. AFAIK she is not talking to him outside of work (I mean who am I kidding, she probably is). But even if she is really NC with him, it still seems like she checked out of this marriage a year ago without telling me. Granted this is the first real conversation we have had since dday that involved calmly talking about the affair/issues that lead up to it so I don't know if things can change from here. But I can't help but wish my situation was like other posters I read on here where the WS is begging the BS for another chance.

 

(((Mnek))) I bolded the truest part of your post.

 

I don't agree at all with your WW's IC. I feel that is completely unreasonable when you are dealing with the trauma head on. If your WW doesn't want to work on the M I would file for D.

 

Your WW can't get to the level of relationship you had before because SHE had an A. Which means she was detaching from you on her own terms from resentment or whatever until she found her AP. Now she is rewriting history.

 

I would 180 her and throw down some consequences.

[Ladyjane14]

Ladydesigner is right... your wife's IC is there for her, not for you. They deal with the patient in front of them.

 

You need to look out for YOU.

 

I'd say by the wishy-washy response you're getting from her, she's still pretty much in affair-mode. I'd see an attorney and file at this point. You're not somebody's fall-back plan, right? You gave her a month to pull her head out of her hindquarters, took her on a nice vacation, and she's still "not sure".

 

I'm not usually a huge "Chump Lady" fan... but you're doing "the pick me dance". And if she's got one golden nugget to offer, it's this.... NEVER do the pick me dance. You gave her a shot; she failed to take advantage of it. Game over.

 

You're a young man, fairly hard-working it sounds like. You won't be on the market long I'd bet.

 

Sorry this happened to you.

[Marc878]

In case anyone is still interested in my situation. I am still so confused.

 

We both have been going to IC for a few weeks now. After her first appt, her therapist recommended a "30 day moritorium" where for the month of April, I ask no questions about the affair or pressure her to decide on our marriage and she will go NC with AP. So I agreed since I figured this was at least a small step in the right direction. We still live together so we have been just trying to act and talk normally again (before starting IC we got to a very uncomfortable point and basically couldn't be around each other). So that was going well and I had an international trip for work which there was an opportunity for her to come with me as a vacation. She decided to come. We hung out, talked (not about affair) and even had sex a couple times on the trip. I felt like we were starting to get somewhere.

 

So we both enjoyed the trip and we get home comfortable enough to start talking about the real issue at hand. Today she tells me she doesnt really feel like we can ever get back to the level of relationship we had before and that she didn't think she would ever not be with me until very recently. She goes on to say that in the past year (basically the time we have been married since we've only been married 1.5 years) she has been unhappy in our marriage. I know I took my focus off of her and put it onto my career but I never realized she was so unhappy that she was ready to end the relationship if things didn't change. And the cheating happend because she was basically done with us (but IMHO is too much of a coward to end it properly). She still isn't sure if she wants to get a divorce. I don't get it, why doesn't she just leave and stop wasting both of our time? It's almost like she is waiting for me to divorce her.

 

Why don't you file?. You are her plan B now

 

So obviously she is still going through withdrawl from her AP. AFAIK she is not talking to him outside of work (I mean who am I kidding, she probably is). But even if she is really NC with him, it still seems like she checked out of this marriage a year ago without telling me. Granted this is the first real conversation we have had since dday that involved calmly talking about the affair/issues that lead up to it so I don't know if things can change from here. But I can't help but wish my situation was like other posters I read on here where the WS is begging the BS for another chance.

 

if they have any contact the affair is still ongoing. She's caught up in it and can't see you for him.

Edited April 21, 2016 by Marc878

[turnera]

Some people are ignorant about feelings and the 'high' of an affair and the addiction of an affair, and they assume that the feelings they have with the AP is 'real love' while the feelings they have for their spouse, since it isn't a 'high,' are so low that it must mean they don't love you any more. Like I said, ignorance. You might, as a last-ditch effort, print out some articles about "PEA chemicals" and affairs and ask her to read them.

 

Personally, though, someone who cheats a year into their marriage doesn't really MEAN it when they take that vow. So you should just walk away and find someone who DOES have morals.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would you wife be acting so accepting and passive as you? She has no respect for you whatsoever.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[S2B]

Ive never heard a counselor say don't talk about the issue for a

Month! That's why you are there - because of that issue! And not talking about how that issue makes you feel is completely backwards.

 

And if your wife who cheated isn't willing to do anything and everything to fix what she's ruined then you're left with nothing to work on/towards.

 

I don't see how this is progress or a good thing.

 

Please don't be her plan B. You deserve so much better than that.

[ShatteredLady]

This "But I can't help but wish my situation was like other posters I read on here where the WS is begging the BS for another chance." is exactly how I feel.

 

It's crazy not to talk about it for a month! That's sounds like HER therapist helping HER buy a month to decide what she wants to do & how SHE is going to tackle things. This isn't in your best interests at all.

 

I've found that the longer it's gone on without tackling things head on the more the resentment has built & the harder it's become to talk about things.

 

I'm so sorry. This is so early in marriage! I'm very bias. My H cheated 12 years ago. I honestly, truly, completely believed he could NEVER do it again. He has!! But now we have children & a life so entwined... Are you positive that this is worth fighting for? If she's not groveling she's justifying the A to herself...if she can justify it she can do it again the next time she's not feeling the elusive 'forever happy!'. You can not make another person happy for the rest of her life! Marriage, LIFE has highs & lows.

[Arieswoman]

Mnek,

Firstly let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this.

 

You sound like a very nice chap, but I suspect you are "too nice for your own good" if you get that?

 

I understand that you are confused, so let's see if I can help make things clearer.

 

In your post #111

 

She goes on to say that in the past year (basically the time we have been married since we've only been married 1.5 years) she has been unhappy in our marriage.

 

So what stopped her telling you how she felt?

 

but I never realized she was so unhappy that she was ready to end the relationship if things didn't change.

 

How could you know if she didn't tell you?

 

And the cheating happend because she was basically done with us

 

If she was "done" why not tell you and go?

 

She still isn't sure if she wants to get a divorce.

 

You bet your sweet life she isn't. Why should she when she can have her cake and eat it with your permission?*

 

But even if she is really NC with him, it still seems like she checked out of this marriage a year ago without telling me.

 

So just what, exactly do you have to build on??

 

I don't get it, why doesn't she just leave and stop wasting both of our time?

 

See * above.

 

And if you are still confused ;

 

Why Can't My Cheater Choose? ~ Infidelity Help Group

 

Good luck

[aliveagain]

Your still playing her game. By allowing her to be indecisive, marriage or new guy, your in essence giving her the approval to continue her affair. She won't stop until you make her stop, commit to you and the marriage or get the fu*k out. Why do you give her the power to decide the fate of your marriage, she's already decided that, she got herself a boyfriend. If exposing her affair to her family wasn't enough to make her stop why would you expect her to accept your inaction as anything but your approval to continue her affair? She see's the guy at work every day, that's why we always tell you that they can't work together, she has to quit her job.

 

You can end the infidelity anytime you want, your just choosing to accept whatever scraps she offers you to stay as her backup until o/m makes his choice. Take back your dignity that she trashed and do what is best for you. Being married to a woman that has a boyfriend is the worst thing for you. Talk to a lawyer and end this stalemate, you have a long life ahead of you so why not live it as a happy man.

[Mnek]

Well it seems like her AP is no longer interested in a relationship with her (single guy probably doesn't want to deal with all her baggage). I found she texted him outside of work and he doesn't respond or if he does he is very short with her.

 

This is obviously making her miss him more. It's disgusting and I'm sick of it. I told her I'm done and I need to focus on myself instead of spending all my time worrying about her indecision. If she is ready to do everything necessary I will consider giving it a chance but she is nowhere near realizing that she needs to take responsibility for her actions, quit her job, etc.

 

I don't know why I want to be with someone who treats me like this. I realize I am too nice, I have always been weak with her. I'm going to refocus my IC on me (previously I just talked about her the whole time). My performance at work has been affected and I need to fix that. I think I'll get a gym membership and I'm going to hang out with friends for my birthday tonight. Thanks for the continued support here.

[GorillaTheater]

Depending on your time zone, it's not too late today to make an appointment with a divorce lawyer.

[kidm]

This is unfortunate but I think OP will stay in the marriage and take on his new role as a cuckold. Sad.

 

OP, even if the other man decides it's too much drama (which I doubt since he's getting free/easy sex), your wife will go looking for someone else to fill that void. She has faced no real consequences for her actions. All you've done is made her realize you're willing to accept mediocre/deplorable treatment.

[Marc878]

Read up. Nice Guys finish last in this senario.

 

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LEVxaqlxpXNmIAPhzBGOd_;_ylu=X3oDMTByOHZyb21tBGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDBHNlYwNzcg--/RV=2/RE=1461389354/RO=10/RU=https%3a%2f%2f7chan.org%2flit%2fsrc%2fRobert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=eXxPCrOoovcAnm4ERofKkcR0VHg-

[oldshirt]

Well it seems like her AP is no longer interested in a relationship with her (single guy probably doesn't want to deal with all her baggage). I found she texted him outside of work and he doesn't respond or if he does he is very short with her.

 

This is obviously making her miss him more. It's disgusting and I'm sick of it. I told her I'm done and I need to focus on myself instead of spending all my time worrying about her indecision. If she is ready to do everything necessary I will consider giving it a chance but she is nowhere near realizing that she needs to take responsibility for her actions, quit her job, etc.

 

I don't know why I want to be with someone who treats me like this. I realize I am too nice, I have always been weak with her. I'm going to refocus my IC on me (previously I just talked about her the whole time). My performance at work has been affected and I need to fix that. I think I'll get a gym membership and I'm going to hang out with friends for my birthday tonight. Thanks for the continued support here.

 

You proved my point. An affair needs a primary relationship and an accomidating spouse to survive. Take those away, the affair crumbles.

 

Keep focusing on yourself and moving forward without her. You will come out stronger and with your pride and dignity intact will be in a better position to carry on with your life.