What are my immediate next steps?

[S2B]

4 days in she relapsed. I am monitoring her text messages without her knowing. I just saved off all the records she admits to cheating in writing. Not sure if that even matters. She is deeply in the fog still obsessed with him and thinking about him all the time. She doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as me because that would be like cheating on him as oldshirt said. She literally talks to him about us and how she is going to give it a month to figure out if she wants to stay or not. But I don't have a fighting chance while she's still in love with him. She will just fake this next month and still talk to him here and there and probably even see him. Everything I read says she has to completely eliminate the AP if we are going to have a chance. This ****ing sucks I need to calm down or I'm going to do something stupid like post her affair on Facebook. I'm so angry I want I expose to our whole family at Easter this weekend. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you guys. She says she wants to try but she is not 100% so it's never going to work. I'm sorry for not listening to you guys I guess exposure and divorce are the only immediate next steps now.

 

Yep, I would expose her to all family and friends. And file for divorce.

 

The M is over. Even given the chance she still is pining after him. There's nothing to work on as she has already exited the marriage.

 

Time to take action and give her reality of what she's created.

 

I'd spend tomorrow moving all money to your name only and packing her bags and have her leave immediately.

 

There's no trust, no respect and nothing you can do to stop making her love another man.

 

It's been over she's just been deceiving you more than before by continuing to lie and manipulate.

 

No more fighting for the M - she's ruined every chance it may have had to survive.

[S2B]

There's no consequences - so she has no reason to actually be motivated to end the affair.

 

It hasn't caused her one bit of pain or hassle. Start implementing consequences that make her really uncomfortable.

 

She did this - stop protecting her from her bad behavior.

[BetrayedH]

4 days in she relapsed. I am monitoring her text messages without her knowing. I just saved off all the records she admits to cheating in writing. Not sure if that even matters. She is deeply in the fog still obsessed with him and thinking about him all the time. She doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as me because that would be like cheating on him as oldshirt said. She literally talks to him about us and how she is going to give it a month to figure out if she wants to stay or not. But I don't have a fighting chance while she's still in love with him. She will just fake this next month and still talk to him here and there and probably even see him. Everything I read says she has to completely eliminate the AP if we are going to have a chance. This ****ing sucks I need to calm down or I'm going to do something stupid like post her affair on Facebook. I'm so angry I want I expose to our whole family at Easter this weekend. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you guys. She says she wants to try but she is not 100% so it's never going to work. I'm sorry for not listening to you guys I guess exposure and divorce are the only immediate next steps now.

 

Do the 180. File for divorce. Expose but only to those people from whom you need support.

 

Don't try to exact consequences or shame her. Just let her suffer the natural consequences of her actions. When she has an affair and won't stop, the natural consequences are that her husband withdraws, files for divorce, and seeks support from his friends and family.

 

Don't embrace the crazy. Don't engage in desperation moves. Show strength, both to her and to yourself.

[merrmeade]

March 19th

I know this is only the beginning and her words mean nothing to me right now but she is willing to do all the nonnegotiable things that is requires. I'm making no compromises and letting her actions speak though. And like people said, prove to me why I should take her back.

 

Because we are giving R a chance, I'm following oldshirts advice on exposure...

Oldshirt also told you, "The vast majority of WS's will relapse even if they are initially sincere about reconciling." She said all that and yet continued to sneak behind your back, has shown little remorse and did none of the things you were told WS's must for R to work. He said to keep monitoring, which you did, but "when you do catch her in contact with him, you must have immediate swift and definitive actions."

 

I think you were supposed to have a plan BEFORE you actually caught her cheating again. So when, "4 days in she relapsed," and you realized oldshirt was right about that, too — what was the plan that you were to have ready?

 

He did say don't decide what you're going to do before deciding to expose and then do so carefully. He didn't say not to expose.

 

So what are your immediate and swift actions? What's wrong with exposing her to your family this weekend. They'll be on your side, and that support will be good for you.

[Ladyjane14]

4 days in she relapsed. I am monitoring her text messages without her knowing. I just saved off all the records she admits to cheating in writing. Not sure if that even matters. She is deeply in the fog still obsessed with him and thinking about him all the time. She doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as me because that would be like cheating on him as oldshirt said. She literally talks to him about us and how she is going to give it a month to figure out if she wants to stay or not. But I don't have a fighting chance while she's still in love with him. She will just fake this next month and still talk to him here and there and probably even see him. Everything I read says she has to completely eliminate the AP if we are going to have a chance. This ****ing sucks I need to calm down or I'm going to do something stupid like post her affair on Facebook. I'm so angry I want I expose to our whole family at Easter this weekend. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you guys. She says she wants to try but she is not 100% so it's never going to work. I'm sorry for not listening to you guys I guess exposure and divorce are the only immediate next steps now.

 

They almost always backslide at first. That's why you have to be super-firm in setting your boundary of "you're either in or out, and right now, not later". What happens then is that the affair bubble can pop as reality intrudes.

 

Women are sometimes much more stubborn about holding onto it. I mean, we blame societal norms often for why female cheaters get less opportunity for reconciliation than male ones, and some of that might be true. But women tend to hold onto the affair rush as "love" with greater tenacity while measuring the rewritten marital history as being loveless.

 

Betrayed H is right about exposure. Expose only to those people from whom you need help. You don't know yet what the future will hold, but chances are, no matter what happens, you're not going to want everybody you bump into knowing your business.

[Mnek]

Okay, so we just actually had a real dday.

 

She knew I knew she was having an affair (but I didn't know all the details). Last Friday, I just told her to end it or get out. She did end it. I saw the message to him and she gave me access to her devices.

 

Yesterday, she broke NC and tried to lie about it. I confronted her about it, showed her the text messages that I had saved and she confessed to everything. So last night was the actual dday that we never had. So after I got answers to all my questions about what she has done, I told her I was going to expose this to our family this weekend. We went to sleep and now she woke up today and seems like she is finally starting to feel the consequences. I told her to decide if she is ready to try to work it out otherwise its over. The problem is, I was the one willing to reconcile no matter what but now that I know everything she has done, I'm not sure if i still am.

[ladydesigner]

Okay, so we just actually had a real dday.

 

She knew I knew she was having an affair (but I didn't know all the details). Last Friday, I just told her to end it or get out. She did end it. I saw the message to him and she gave me access to her devices.

 

Yesterday, she broke NC and tried to lie about it. I confronted her about it, showed her the text messages that I had saved and she confessed to everything. So last night was the actual dday that we never had. So after I got answers to all my questions about what she has done, I told her I was going to expose this to our family this weekend. We went to sleep and now she woke up today and seems like she is finally starting to feel the consequences. I told her to decide if she is ready to try to work it out otherwise its over. The problem is, I was the one willing to reconcile no matter what but now that I know everything she has done, I'm not sure if i still am.

 

I wish more WS's would realize this sh*t but MOST seem to 'get it' too late.

[Marc878]

Reconciliation without NC is a worthless endeavor.

 

Exposure is your best bet here. No consequences tells her she can do it again.

 

Your biggest enemy is fear. Like most you are affraid you will lose her. When if you read your threads you already have.

 

She made her choice now make yours. Forge ahead with your life and if she chooses to come along maybe you have a chance.

 

Take some time away and decide if you can really live with this. No matter what your life is never going to be the same. Lack of trust and she's tasted the very exciting fruits of an affair. Most can't make it work after this.

 

However, it's your life. I wouldn't waste mine on this. Life's precious and short.

 

Often the BS sees remourse when it's actually just consequences from being caught. Two very different things.

[BuddyX]

How do you know she's out of the fog?

My X went 3 layers deep to stay in contact with the OM.

 

She's scared because you'll exposed her. But trust me, she's still thinking about him. She's having major withdrawal.

 

You're working your ass off to reconcile, and she's still "trickle truth"

[aliveagain]

Not all of us can forgive infidelity. You need to know you can trust the one your with. Even if you forgive her you still have the issue of the imbalance she created by having sex with another man, that can never be erased. His mark will always be on her specially after becoming emotionally attached to him. Think about what you want because in the end you have to look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if compromising your integrity was worth what you got. You have only been married a year and a half, how will you make it the rest of your life if you can't trust her?

[S2B]

I wouldn't leave any decision at this stage to her.

 

Make decisions that take care of yourself! She is still having an affair since she contacted him - she is still disregarding and disrespecting you even after she know you know about her affair. She wants it to continue.

 

She's not sorry she did it - she's only sorry you found out. Now she figures she can contact him and you won't find out the new correspondence.

 

It is absolutely worthless to try when she isn't trying WAY more than you are.

 

Exposure is useful at this point.

[lolablue17]

. So last night was the actual dday that we never had. So after I got answers to all my questions about what she has done, I told her I was going to expose this to our family this weekend.

 

What has she done?

[R.Gant]

I'd say expose to her family and yours. Don't use facebook or email's. just show them the copy of you have.

 

tell her family and your family how you feel, take some time to think whether you want to gamble on this marriage or just take you chances else where.

 

Marriage and partnerships are sometimes a roll of the dice, sometimes you get very unlucky.

 

Your young and can definitely find someone else that's respects you and values marriage.

[merrmeade]

DON'T let her talk you out of telling them without you there or something. I was totally ambushed when 'we' told our (adult) kids about my husband's affair with their aunt (yes, aunt - very gross) and he calls it "an inappropriate emotional relationship with S." I was incredulous and corrected him.

 

I wasn't nearly pissed enough and I was embarrassed for our family shame. It affects everyone. (I know, I know it's absurd. No need to state the obvious again, peanut gallery.) My point is that, you, OP, may also start doing the rug-sweeping dance in your head as you THINK you see her ticking off those 'essential requirements' of a remorseful WS. She is FAR from having proven herself.

 

Problem was I thought of the point of disclosure to our children was to name the elephant in the room since they were already calling it "weird." But I think exposure is not just for family members' need/right to know. It also brings the reality home for the WS and is necessary whether or not you stay together.

[S2B]

Letting her get away with it with no consequences is a sure bet the affair will continue...

[Bufo]

From what you have posted about her recent communcation with OM two things are apparent

 

First she still thinks she s in the drivers seat. This tells me that she believes you are of a "reconcile at all costs"'mentality. Does she understand your minimum requirements for you to consider R?

 

Second, she is being much more honest with him than with you. Did she ever tell you that your M was on a one month trial? She told him truthfully or not

But if that statement was true, you may have become Plan B.

 

Only a foolish person chooses Limbo. You are not a fool but are in Limbonwith a wife still in her A expecting you to wait and abide by her decision. At least she seems to realize she can't cake eat forever. OM will probably tell her she can. That way he gets what he wants at no cost to him.

 

You should step it up now. You are still in a three person marriage. Take action to end that now. Don't let her have time to decide. This may not be a contest you want to win.

[aliveagain]

Did you expose her infidelity? How did that go? As long as they continue to communicate the affair is still going on and it is the two of them against you. They strategize the lies she is telling you while she gets her ducks in a row over the next month. Tell her what you require to even think about reconciliation, start the paperwork because you need to knock her cake eating a$$ off the fence and back into reality, follow the "180" and start to detach yourself from her because there is no marriage as long as she has a boyfriend that she still chooses over you. Decide if you can live with what she has done to you now that you know the truth. Make her go through the humiliation of STD testing, it's another form of reality. Take yourself out of infidelity the sooner the better because your healing won't start until you do.

[Buckeye2]

This was written by Bandit.45 on another forum

 

Just Let Them Go

 

"The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them."

 

Bandit.45

[Clay]

Actually Bandit did not write that but its a great piece none the less. Morturi put it on that site in 2011 and even he states he doesn't know who wrote it.

 

Bandit is a great poster. I kind of wished he was over here to.

 

I hope OP reads it and takes it to heart.

 

Never stay with someone that is willing to hurt you in such a cruel way.

 

C

[Mnek]

Damn, you guys are going to hate me for saying this but you are all right. After a real d day and some show of remorse we agreed she would stop talking to him and we would give therapy a try. I guess she was just scared she got caught not worried about how she is treating me. I found yet a 3rd different chat app on her phone that she uses to continue to talk to him. She is in deep and it's going to be difficult for her to end it with him. It blows my mind because this relationship with OM has only been going on for like a month! How can someone be so insane to throw away their whole life for one month? I can't comprehend it. I'm going to IC this weekend to see if it will help me get over these feeling of confusion and anger.

 

She is going to IC to get help also. She at least admits she has issues and wants to figure out how and why this happened. She does say stuff like she doesn't know how this happened. She's not sure if she wants to get a divorce. She is ambivalent she doesn't know what she wants.

 

I have spent some time thinking about if I would be willing to reconcile and forgive her. I have decided I can live with this and try to work through it but only if she is willing to put in the effort too. but she is putting forth zero effort as you all have said. At this point, I don't want to get divorced because the thought of her getting out of the marriage this way and getting half my stuff is ridiculous. I have an initial consultation with a lawyer next week.

 

I am obviously afraid of losing her but my anger is making me get over that fear quickly. As I said it's only been a month of this but she knows I know about OM and continues to treat me this way. Our marriage was not this bad for me to deserve this. She doesn't deserve me.

 

We exposed to parents but that shame was obviously not enough to make her stop. I am working on 180s and I need to start detaching like now. I assume that means, go to work, don't text her, come home, go to gym, eat, etc., don't talk to her much at home and go to bed.

 

I want to let her go but I can't decide if I want to just move out (we rent) or make her move out. It seems easier for me to just leave since we rent. I'll keep thinking about it. Thanks everyone.

[Marc878]

If she isn't remoursful your chances of reconciliation are zero.

 

Reconciliation doesn't just happen.

 

If she is in any form of contact the affair is still ongoing.

[S2B]

Damn, you guys are going to hate me for saying this but you are all right. After a real d day and some show of remorse we agreed she would stop talking to him and we would give therapy a try. I guess she was just scared she got caught not worried about how she is treating me. I found yet a 3rd different chat app on her phone that she uses to continue to talk to him. She is in deep and it's going to be difficult for her to end it with him. It blows my mind because this relationship with OM has only been going on for like a month! How can someone be so insane to throw away their whole life for one month? I can't comprehend it. I'm going to IC this weekend to see if it will help me get over these feeling of confusion and anger.

 

She is going to IC to get help also. She at least admits she has issues and wants to figure out how and why this happened. She does say stuff like she doesn't know how this happened. She's not sure if she wants to get a divorce. She is ambivalent she doesn't know what she wants.

 

I have spent some time thinking about if I would be willing to reconcile and forgive her. I have decided I can live with this and try to work through it but only if she is willing to put in the effort too. but she is putting forth zero effort as you all have said. At this point, I don't want to get divorced because the thought of her getting out of the marriage this way and getting half my stuff is ridiculous. I have an initial consultation with a lawyer next week.

 

I am obviously afraid of losing her but my anger is making me get over that fear quickly. As I said it's only been a month of this but she knows I know about OM and continues to treat me this way. Our marriage was not this bad for me to deserve this. She doesn't deserve me.

 

We exposed to parents but that shame was obviously not enough to make her stop. I am working on 180s and I need to start detaching like now. I assume that means, go to work, don't text her, come home, go to gym, eat, etc., don't talk to her much at home and go to bed.

 

I want to let her go but I can't decide if I want to just move out (we rent) or make her move out. It seems easier for me to just leave since we rent. I'll keep thinking about it. Thanks everyone.

 

These are all the things to do if you wish to allow someone to walk all over you and continue cheating on you.

 

You have no boundary and no consequences for her = she continues to cheat on you.

 

I hope you will rethink this. I hope you will find your self respect and DO some things that show her that you aren't going to live with her doing this to you. Otherwise she will continue disrespecting you = mainly because she can.

[kgcolonel]

These are all the things to do if you wish to allow someone to walk all over you and continue cheating on you.

 

You have no boundary and no consequences for her = she continues to cheat on you.

 

I hope you will rethink this. I hope you will find your self respect and DO some things that show her that you aren't going to live with her doing this to you. Otherwise she will continue disrespecting you = mainly because she can.

 

This is absolutely correct....I understand your reluctance however right now you are going to appear weak to her. That being said, go ahead and file for D....if things change on her part, you can delay or stop the process but if they don't, you're that much further down the road and (this is a big and) you will send the message that it is either you or him and she needs to get her head straight.

 

One question....do you really want to be married to someone who can't decide about you???? Don't you deserve someone who WITHOUT A DOUBT not only loves and cherishes you but also has the character to honor their vows to you and everyone else those vows were made before????

 

File, tell her when and how she will be served, this will also tell her that you are a man of your word.

[Clay]

If she isn't remoursful your chances of reconciliation are zero.

 

Reconciliation doesn't just happen.

 

If she is in any form of contact the affair is still ongoing.

 

This is the truth. As long as you see these things then you (OP) are in second. She has already decided and your just along to support her while she figures out how to be with him. He was not included in your marriage. Now that you know he is a part of your marriage you need to make this black and white for her. He goes or she goes. Its just that simple.

 

Your never going to win her love trying to nice her back.

 

Good luck

 

C

[66Charger]

I think staying with someone while they are in the middle of a affair is the stupidest thing you could do. She has already picked and it aint you. A WS, when hit with Dday, if truelly remorseful, would stop immediately.

 

Forcing someone to chose is ridiculous. If they desire another, then they do. If she decides to stay, it is only because of consequences. Not because she loves only you. You live in fear. Your love is fear based. You don't have love. You have nothing.

 

Your best bet is to go cold turkey. The OM has declared war on your marriage, and it is 2 on 1 and you are the 1. Your wife does not love you as a Man. Accept it and go dark today. Move out or have her move out tonight. Dont give choices, because you will be lied to. And another thing, its not only divorce papers that snaps the fog. Replace her. Right away. Start going out. Get yourself ready, because fact is, she is going to leave you anyway.

 

This idiotic thought process, that some men go thru, when they say they cant understand why she would throw the marriage away or that it is not like her. She must be "sick".

 

She aint sick bro. But you are if you can look in the mirror and accept your "second class status". Maybe you should try on a dress. You need to be called out. You need to stop looking at your wife and start looking in your mirror.