What are my immediate next steps?

[Marc878]

You come across as weak and pathetic. Waiting for her to end this????

 

The best thing you can do at this time is full exposure. Friends, family and especially WORK.

 

Copy all your evidence in a secure place. It sounds like you aren't strong enough???

 

If you do nothing you get more of the same. Living life as a plan B doormat.

 

Personally I'd file for divorce and move on from this while you're young and have no children. Its tough to live with a lieing cheater. This will never go away.

 

Read up

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrBT.U2E.tW2oEAN__BGOd_;_ylu=X3oDMTE0bHRjcmE1BGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDVUkwMVRDMV8xBHNlYwNzcg--/RV=2/RE=1458275255/RO=10/RU=http%3a%2f%2f7chan.org%2flit%2fsrc%2fRobert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=MbCNzc2ufNFoPV_lvy0fvm1UqBU-

[Mr. Lucky]

The elephant in the room is without children than why in the hell would any couple stay married after infidelity??

 

Because he wants to? And we should respect and provide guidance per his choice just as we'd support a decision to leave. Divorce is but one outcome after infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bufo]

Mr Lucky is half right. The real issue for you is getting out of infidelity. Getting out of a three person marriage. That can be by reconciliation or divorce. The choice should be yours

 

What the pro D team is telling you is also correct but only half right. Again he issue isn't R or D but how to get out of infidelity. They are quite right that wishing and hoping and begging and tears won't do it. Nor will dancing the Pick Me dance help. Nor will bring Mr Nice Guy. Those choices only let her sit on he fence more comfortably.

 

Give her your list of nonnegotiable points she must agree to if she wants to try to save the marriage. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know. You are looking for acts of remorse (ie her doing what you require of her) and. It words of remorse or tears from her. Words are cheap and you know she's capable

Of lying.

 

If she says no or asks for the infamous space and time implement the 180 on her so you can detach. You'll have to learn to live your life without her if she isn't a suitable candidate for R.

 

Think about a lawyer consultation so you have a real idea rather than speculation what a D would look like for you. You need not file simply because you have seen a lawyer. Don't tell her, either. Why give her a free legal

Education?

[harrybrown]

I agree, do not respond to her texts.

 

Go see your attorney now and get it filed.

 

I do like the std tests and exposing the A far and wide.

 

Start looking out for yourself and respect yourself, because she does not respect you.

[oldshirt]

Be careful with those that urge exposing the affair to everyone and their dog.

 

 

 

 

There is a time and place for exposure, but it needs to be methodical and conscious and with specific purposes in mind based on what your intentions are.

 

 

If you expose at work and she is at risk of losing her job, then you may have to pay spousal support if she is unemployed.

 

 

If you expose to your friends and family and then you do reconcile down the road they will forever hold a grudge against her and may treat her bad which will just be another layer of problems.

 

 

If you expose to her family, they may turn on you and blame you. They may also support you and help try to sway her to her senses but you never know which way they will go.

 

 

If the OM has a spouse or a GF, DO expose to her. If the OM is her direct boss or supervisor, do expose to his HR department.

 

 

Some times it is best to wait until you have reached a decision on whether to reconcile or divorce before disclosing to anyone.

 

 

If the decision is made to reconcile, only disclose to those that you know will be supportive of the marriage and do not disclose to anyone who may not be supportive or who will cause problems.

 

 

Disclosure needs to be well thought out, methodical and with purpose in mind.

[Satu]

Snip

 

I'm going to respond to her message and tell her I have been getting help from folks like you and that she's out unless she commits to getting help too with 100% NC with AP.

 

Don't tell her who you've been talking to.

 

She doesn't need to know that.

[Satu]

This is very important:

 

You must not entertain any kind of compromise.

 

Do not 'meet her halfway' over anything.

 

You have to stand solid as a rock, and not be swayed by any nice-sounding words.

 

Words can deceive, actions can't.

 

You don't have to offer her anything.

 

You've done nothing wrong.

 

You've kept your marriage vows.

 

The onus is 100% on her to demonstrate, to show you evidence, that the affair is completely over and will not resume.

 

Forget what you hear; base your thinking only on what you see her do.

 

No compromise.

[turnera]

At this point, the only way you'll get a decent spouse back is if you simply say 'prove to me why I should take you back.' And then just shut up and wait. And see if SHE can figure out how to prove it to you. NEVER tell her 'I'm getting help blah blah blah.' That's weak and cheating women DESPISE weak husbands. The only husbands they ever want back (unless you're rich) is strong men who are 100% willing to DUMP her for what she did. She HAS to see that you're ready to walk away or this will never work.

[oldshirt]

At this point, the only way you'll get a decent spouse back is if you simply say 'prove to me why I should take you back.' And then just shut up and wait. And see if SHE can figure out how to prove it to you. NEVER tell her 'I'm getting help blah blah blah.' That's weak and cheating women DESPISE weak husbands. The only husbands they ever want back (unless you're rich) is strong men who are 100% willing to DUMP her for what she did. She HAS to see that you're ready to walk away or this will never work.

 

 

 

Yup.

 

 

Only rich has nothing to do with it. A rich man will look as weak and be just as despised as a poor one. A WW may stay married to rich man for the money and the lifestyle he can provide, but she still won't respect or desire and still won't stay out of other men's beds.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Interestingly enough, most of the betrayed spouses around here that I would say have successfully reconciled started very much this way. They helped their wayward spouses pack their bags and wished them well with their affair partner. They made the consequences plainly obvious. Suddenly, the thrills and excitement of a hidden fantasy affair were replaced by huge amounts of stress, embarassment, crying children, horrified phone calls from family members, and an affair partner that drops them because this wasn't what they signed-up for. The "affair fog" is then quickly blown away. Many waywards suddenly find themselves (with their bags on the front porch) wondering what the hell they've been doing.

 

During my wife's 3 month long affair I was unaware of her affair so there was no D-day at that time. However, I was fed up with being treated like <crap> so before I left for a business trip I laid it on the line by saying "I don't know what is going on with you, but if you don't get it straighten out by the the time I return on Friday, then I'm filing for divorce." It was at that time she broke it off with her AP, and things started to go back to normal for us.

[drifter777]

Because he wants to? And we should respect and provide guidance per his choice just as we'd support a decision to leave. Divorce is but one outcome after infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

It's just my strong opinion that trying to work through infidelity when there are no children to consider is not worth the long, painful effort of reconciliation. You can disagree - that's great.

 

It seems as though OP is gone so I guess all of our posting is a waste anyway.

[Satu]

It's just my strong opinion that trying to work through infidelity when there are no children to consider is not worth the long, painful effort of reconciliation. You can disagree - that's great.

 

It seems as though OP is gone so I guess all of our posting is a waste anyway.

 

I think he'll be back.

 

This thread gave him a lot to think about.

[Friskyone4u]

Sorry to say, looks like OP has decided to do the "pick me dance".

 

OP, if you gave her an ultimatum to stop seeing and talking to OM, then you do not give her space. You give her 30 ****ing minutes to call the ass hole with you sitting there and tell him what YOU want him told.

 

If you told her that and she does not agree without hesitation, it is just going to go undeground for more of the same.

[Mnek]

I'm still here. Again thanks for the continued help and support from everyone.

 

Specifically Bufo's post resonated with me the most. The first step is to get out of infidelity/3 person marriage. So everything everyone has been saying finally sunk in. If I want to get out of this situation I cant just sit and wait. I also have to be willing to loose it to save it. I realized that she would just keep doing this until I acted (as you all have been saying) to force her hand. So I manned up and told her to end the affair or get the f*ck out. It took her a second and she snapped out of it and showed remorse. She told me she has been getting help reading stuff online too (maybe this very website) and I think that helped her see the light.

 

I know this is only the beginning and her words mean nothing to me right now but she is willing to do all the nonnegotiable things that is requires. I'm making no compromises and letting her actions speak though. And like people said, prove to me why I should take her back.

 

Because we are giving R a chance, I'm following oldshirts advice on exposure (we don't have either situation of OM having GF or it being work supervisor).

[S2B]

How did she end it with him then? What's your evidence that it's over?

 

Who are you exposing to?

[turnera]

So,

you should be requiring:

instant access to all her electronics

her to write a No Contact letter to her affair partner that YOU first read and approve

her to find a counselor and start attending and grant you access so the IC knows what's really going on

her to tell your parents and her parents what she has done

 

 

At the very least.

 

Has she done this?

[Marc878]

A physical affair is like an addiction. Extremely hard to break.

 

She's had no trouble lieing, hiding and denying to get to this point.

 

Unfortunately you will not be able to believe anything she says at this time.

 

Sorry you're here. You have a hard road ahead of you.

[Marc878]

Last night, she said she wanted to sleep in separate bedrooms so we did for the first time. What are my options here? Should I continue this in home separation or kick her out until she ends the affair? How about contact LC or NC? 180? Looking for any recommendations to handle this terrible situation.

 

Make sure you know where you are at this point. She wants separation because to sleep with you is cheating on her AP. That's how far gone she is. It's sick but reality of where you are.

 

If you are serious about stopping the affair at this point exposure may be the only way. However, it should be done carefully. No stupid stuff like a posting on Facebook. Affairs thrive in secrecy and the dark. Shine a light on it and there is an immediate difference.

 

You will get much blame shifting like it's all your fault. It's Cheaterspeak used as an excuse because in reality there is no good excuse to cheat.

 

None of us is perfect but an affair is 100% on the cheater.

 

Like others have said IMO it's time to walk away. This will stay with you forever.

 

Young no kids. The marriage you/her will never be the same even if she comes back.

 

Don't spend years looking over your shoulder wondering. You can't fix her only yourself. Learn and Be a better man/husband for the next time.

[S2B]

Why don't you kick her out? She's still cheating and your playing mr nice guy who I'd her doormat.

 

She cheating - put her on the curb with no access to money and change the locks.

 

You can't nice her into being honest and faithful. You need to make her really uncomfortable if she going to consider changing.

 

Stop being so accommodating to what she wants.

[BetrayedH]

(we don't have either situation of OM having GF or it being work supervisor).

 

So, is she leaving her place of employment? You said her affair was with a male coworker. How are you feeling while she's off at work?

[oldshirt]

I'm still here. Again thanks for the continued help and support from everyone.

 

Specifically Bufo's post resonated with me the most. The first step is to get out of infidelity/3 person marriage. So everything everyone has been saying finally sunk in. If I want to get out of this situation I cant just sit and wait. I also have to be willing to loose it to save it. I realized that she would just keep doing this until I acted (as you all have been saying) to force her hand. So I manned up and told her to end the affair or get the f*ck out. It took her a second and she snapped out of it and showed remorse. She told me she has been getting help reading stuff online too (maybe this very website) and I think that helped her see the light.

 

I know this is only the beginning and her words mean nothing to me right now but she is willing to do all the nonnegotiable things that is requires. I'm making no compromises and letting her actions speak though. And like people said, prove to me why I should take her back.

 

Because we are giving R a chance, I'm following oldshirts advice on exposure (we don't have either situation of OM having GF or it being work supervisor).

 

 

 

This may seem like a big breakthrough but it ain't over. In fact it is far far far from being over.

 

 

The vast majority of WS's will relapse even if they are initially sincere about reconciling. Many will just outright lie and go deeper underground. The lure of the affair once someone has tasted that forbidden fruit is as powerful as any drug.

 

 

You are basically going to have to trust nothing that comes out of her mouth and you are going to have to verify everything yourself.

 

 

You are pretty much going to have to become a hall monitor and verify every move she makes.

 

 

The standard recommendations here are keyloggers on her computers. Access to her emails and social media accounts. Going over phone logs and looking for an extra (burner) phone. Stashing voice activated recorders in her car and other places she may have private conversations.

 

 

All of this has to be done without her knowledge so it basically makes both of you sneaks and spies.

 

 

And it when you do catch her in contact with him, you must have immediate swift and definitive actions or like everyone has already said, inaction basically gives permission.

 

 

I am sorry but this is a long, hard road and it is frought with many pitfalls and bumps in the road.

 

 

Some people do manage to again have a happy, healthy marriage but it is multiple years of hard work and anguish by both people. Noone really just says, "oooops, my bad, sorry about that" and everything simply returns to normal. It is a long, rough road with lots of second-guessing and self doubt by both people.

 

 

since there are no children involved, divorcing and moving on will really be the simplest and quickest answer. You could be in a happy and healthy relationship with someone else before you would be able to put this behind you and trust her again. But that is a decision that you will have to weigh yourself.

[drifter777]

I am sorry but this is a long, hard road and it is frought with many pitfalls and bumps in the road.

 

Some people do manage to again have a happy, healthy marriage but it is multiple years of hard work and anguish by both people. Noone really just says, "oooops, my bad, sorry about that" and everything simply returns to normal. It is a long, rough road with lots of second-guessing and self doubt by both people.

 

since there are no children involved, divorcing and moving on will really be the simplest and quickest answer. You could be in a happy and healthy relationship with someone else before you would be able to put this behind you and trust her again. But that is a decision that you will have to weigh yourself.

It seems you are bound and determined to ignore this advice but could you at least acknowledge that you are reading it and understand what we are saying? That you aren't in such a stunned state of shock that you only see advice that promises to get her back?

 

One of the key points those of us who are advocating for divorce want you to understand is that you are NEVER going to get your wife back. If you decide to stay together with her what you are getting is someone who betrayed you in the worst way possible. That's going to gnaw at you while more real truth is revealed (TT) and mind movies of her having sex with him torture your brain. Can you overcome this and make a good marriage out of this mess? Maybe, maybe not. So why risk investing all of the time and emotional energy into a reconciliation that may fail and that at best just keeps you from hating her guts?

[Satu]

No kids; I would just end it.

 

There's not enough glue to do the job.

[S2B]

Is there a reason why she still gets to call the shots?

 

When do you plan to take charge of your life/your future?

 

You keep putting your future and decisions into the hands of the woman that blew your world apart. Why continue on with that method?

[Mnek]

4 days in she relapsed. I am monitoring her text messages without her knowing. I just saved off all the records she admits to cheating in writing. Not sure if that even matters. She is deeply in the fog still obsessed with him and thinking about him all the time. She doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as me because that would be like cheating on him as oldshirt said. She literally talks to him about us and how she is going to give it a month to figure out if she wants to stay or not. But I don't have a fighting chance while she's still in love with him. She will just fake this next month and still talk to him here and there and probably even see him. Everything I read says she has to completely eliminate the AP if we are going to have a chance. This ****ing sucks I need to calm down or I'm going to do something stupid like post her affair on Facebook. I'm so angry I want I expose to our whole family at Easter this weekend. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you guys. She says she wants to try but she is not 100% so it's never going to work. I'm sorry for not listening to you guys I guess exposure and divorce are the only immediate next steps now.