Overwhelmed - MM has ended our affair

[ladydesigner]

I can only imagine how confusing and overwhelming it all is. I hope each day is a little better for you until you wake up one day and realize you've moved on.

 

I also think it's normal to wonder why the BW is staying. I spent a lot of energy wondering why in the world OW would settle for being someone's side dish, why she would want a liar and a cheater. I had him for 17 years before I knew he was a liar and a cheater; she knew from day one. But ultimately I came to realize how she was following the same old script for these situations as I was, just in a different role. And by focusing my feelings of angst on the one person I didn't know in this scenario, I was distracting myself from the real work, which is remembering who I am and making the best choices I can going forward. I also need to direct my anger squarely at my WH.

 

Maybe I'm biased, but I think the one person whose actions seem selfless and honorable in this scenario is the BW's. She's sticking it out for better or for worse. She might change her mind later, but for now, she's giving it a try. Her children's lives will be irrevocably changed if she doesn't, so why wouldn't she? Especially when her husband has made a choice and given you up and is now Mr. Family Vacation man. She has a lot of reason to hope. It may be false hope, in which case, I hope she does kick him out. But neither of them can know that yet.

 

This is so true! What a great post! I wondered this too even after the last broken NC occurred, why would the MOW want someone so damaged? In my case I am in limbo and currently staying so that I do not end up in poverty with my kids. I know how damaged my WH is now and he has not changed (well a little... but nothing to brag about), so I have no choice but to stay detached since I am currently deciding to stay put for the time being.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is so true! What a great post! I wondered this too even after the last broken NC occurred, why would the MOW want someone so damaged? In my case I am in limbo and currently staying so that I do not end up in poverty with my kids. I know how damaged my WH is now and he has not changed (well a little... but nothing to brag about), so I have no choice but to stay detached since I am currently deciding to stay put for the time being.

 

You have to understand that the person you know as xMM is not the person we know as H. It seems natural to wonder why on earth a BW would stay but WS says entirely different things at home. And don't think we are stupid, we know and some of us, at least myself, I don't blame the OW. First of all, I'd be a massive hypocrite, I blame my H. I know what she thinks of me as H called her periodically and cried on her shoulder about me and xMM and her heart breaks for him and she does not understand why he stays with me. She probably doesn't know that when I found out, I said we should separate about a million times but he said he wouldn't be with her anyway, he wanted to work it out with me. Obviously OW does not know this and it makes me realize that in my situation, it's probably really similar - I know for a fact xMM told his W I was a crazy stalker and he wanted to work on the marriage. He threw everyone under the bus.

 

And as for the BS, why do we stay? For the same reasons xMM stay I guess.

[Pili-Pala]

So, as I mentioned in another thread, I started therapy again this week. This time I went solution-focused and not person centred as I feel I have done enough "soul-searching" and I want to just have a plan and strategy to get to where I want to be.

 

I must take a moment to say I was shocked in the session how far I seem to have come already, and I honestly think this is thanks to this forum - so thank you.

 

We talked about one of my goals being to get back to a professional relationship asap, and not to allow that to spiral into personal contact and so on and so forth downwards from there - as happened last year when I tried the break up round one (pre d-day). One of the things we discussed was about the fact that I am going NC on all personal contact and I am also on a professional level trying to only email him on things of absolute priority and where possible (as in appropriately subtle enough to not raise suspicions / questionable reactions) I am sending other people to go ask him things or get him to sign things etc.

 

My therapist was really against this.

 

He told me I need to get a sense of normality into my working life as quickly as possible. He said finding all these "routes around the houses" was just making it worse and making it more of a thing. He challenged me this week to do everything at work (in terms of contact with him) that I would normally have done. So today was the first opportunity I had where I needed to talk to him about an issue that was was easier to discuss in person rather then over email - so I did it, I asked him if he had a minute to discuss and then went to his office. When I sat down and started talking (about work thing) he immediately had tears well up in his eyes. But somehow he managed to stay professional and talk through the work issue and I left as quickly as possible but feeling like we had a good work discussion and got a good solution. But it was hard. So so hard. It got to stage where I could barely look up at him as I couldn't bear the tears in his eyes. But we did it. Then afterwards we exchanged a few, slightly more casual then of late, emails about a couple of work issues, and I started to worry a bit about that and so drew a line as soon as it was possible for me to not need to reply.

 

As a result of today, although it was not disastrous, and I guess in some ways fairly successful, I am still really not sure this is the right route to take. I feel like it is too early to do this. But on the other hand I understand a need to not build it up - like getting back on the bike so to speak.

 

I wanted to therefore ask you guys whether there is anyone who has has an A with a MM/MW who was a colleague/boss and managed to successfully go back to a purely professional relationship? How you approached it and how you feel it is best approached in hindsight etc? Or if any of you who might not be exactly in this situation but have some transferrable thoughts from their own experiences?

 

I know a lot of you might feel the need to reiterate that I need to leave my job, but after genuinely giving this serious consideration I have decided categorically that leaving my job is not an option for me right now, and I believe I am strong enough to do this and achieve the shift in my mind needed - but I guess I just want to think about a strategy of how I get there and get there ideally as quickly as I am able to do so, avoiding it becoming a crack in the door ...again... which I guess is my ultimate fear here.

[13Hearts]

So, as I mentioned in another thread, I started therapy again this week. This time I went solution-focused and not person centred as I feel I have done enough "soul-searching" and I want to just have a plan and strategy to get to where I want to be.

 

I must take a moment to say I was shocked in the session how far I seem to have come already, and I honestly think this is thanks to this forum - so thank you.

 

We talked about one of my goals being to get back to a professional relationship asap, and not to allow that to spiral into personal contact and so on and so forth downwards from there - as happened last year when I tried the break up round one (pre d-day). One of the things we discussed was about the fact that I am going NC on all personal contact and I am also on a professional level trying to only email him on things of absolute priority and where possible (as in appropriately subtle enough to not raise suspicions / questionable reactions) I am sending other people to go ask him things or get him to sign things etc.

 

My therapist was really against this.

 

He told me I need to get a sense of normality into my working life as quickly as possible. He said finding all these "routes around the houses" was just making it worse and making it more of a thing. He challenged me this week to do everything at work (in terms of contact with him) that I would normally have done. So today was the first opportunity I had where I needed to talk to him about an issue that was was easier to discuss in person rather then over email - so I did it, I asked him if he had a minute to discuss and then went to his office. When I sat down and started talking (about work thing) he immediately had tears well up in his eyes. But somehow he managed to stay professional and talk through the work issue and I left as quickly as possible but feeling like we had a good work discussion and got a good solution. But it was hard. So so hard. It got to stage where I could barely look up at him as I couldn't bear the tears in his eyes. But we did it. Then afterwards we exchanged a few, slightly more casual then of late, emails about a couple of work issues, and I started to worry a bit about that and so drew a line as soon as it was possible for me to not need to reply.

 

As a result of today, although it was not disastrous, and I guess in some ways fairly successful, I am still really not sure this is the right route to take. I feel like it is too early to do this. But on the other hand I understand a need to not build it up - like getting back on the bike so to speak.

 

I wanted to therefore ask you guys whether there is anyone who has has an A with a MM/MW who was a colleague/boss and managed to successfully go back to a purely professional relationship? How you approached it and how you feel it is best approached in hindsight etc? Or if any of you who might not be exactly in this situation but have some transferrable thoughts from their own experiences?

 

I know a lot of you might feel the need to reiterate that I need to leave my job, but after genuinely giving this serious consideration I have decided categorically that leaving my job is not an option for me right now, and I believe I am strong enough to do this and achieve the shift in my mind needed - but I guess I just want to think about a strategy of how I get there and get there ideally as quickly as I am able to do so, avoiding it becoming a crack in the door ...again... which I guess is my ultimate fear here.

 

If there is ever "a crack in the door," you will be the one to have created it. You need to establish boundaries with this guy, and keep them steadfast in your mind at all times, until detachment and separation from him becomes your norm again.

 

You do this by living in the present moment. By leaving the past where it belongs, in the past. By not accepting responsibility for this person's obvious issues and problems. A person who cannot have a meeting with you without tears welling up in his eyes either needs a psychotherapist and to go on medication, or he is trying to manipulate you. MM are great actors. You need to redefine him in your mind. Look for the truth of the matter which is probably that early on he told you a bunch of lies and/or half-truths, and said things to appeal to your own needs. Needs such as companionship, comaraderie, compassion, and to help others. You bought his BS and now it is time to sell it all back, regain your independence from him, and put responsibility for his issues and whatever "marital problems" he's described to you, back where they belong: On HIM.

 

Read up about character disorders and boundary-setting. You'll understand him better, be able to put things into perspective, and strengthen yourself in the process.

 

And I agree, don't run from this. Regain your strength and show this slob what you're truly made of. Wear your best suits and strongest shoes (you know the ones, they make you feel like you could rule the world), and kick ass, Pili-Pala. You got this, girl.

[Pili-Pala]

If there is ever "a crack in the door," you will be the one to have created it. You need to establish boundaries with this guy, and keep them steadfast in your mind at all times, until detachment and separation from him becomes your norm again.

 

You do this by living in the present moment. By leaving the past where it belongs, in the past. By not accepting responsibility for this person's obvious issues and problems. A person who cannot have a meeting with you without tears welling up in his eyes either needs a psychotherapist and to go on medication, or he is trying to manipulate you. MM are great actors. You need to redefine him in your mind. Look for the truth of the matter which is probably that early on he told you a bunch of lies and/or half-truths, and said things to appeal to your own needs. Needs such as companionship, comaraderie, compassion, and to help others. You bought his BS and now it is time to sell it all back, regain your independence from him, and put responsibility for his issues and whatever "marital problems" he's described to you, back where they belong: On HIM.

 

Read up about character disorders and boundary-setting. You'll understand him better, be able to put things into perspective, and strengthen yourself in the process.

 

And I agree, don't run from this. Regain your strength and show this slob what you're truly made of. Wear your best suits and strongest shoes (you know the ones, they make you feel like you could rule the world), and kick ass, Pili-Pala. You got this, girl.

 

 

Thanks 13Hearts. That's was just what I needed to wake up to!

 

You are right. Any crack is all on me and I have to be firm on that. I have only just now truly realised why my therapist was exclaiming at me "no, it won't go back to how it was as you are done with that now! There is no danger of that as you don't want that and that is not an option" - I was thinking 'how does he know that, I actually think it is a strong possibility based on past experience', but I just now realised with your words that he means it's about my thinking and whether I think it's an option/possibility and how I have to be firm on that.

 

Also I never thought of his tears as manipulation. It's possible. Its an interesting thought and whether or not there is truth in that (it might more likely be the need for a psychologist) it is perhaps a more helpful way for me to view them right now.

 

Now where are my best shoes.....

[Grey Cloud]

Having worked with my xAP for a month after the affair ended (and before he left work), I just found it all too easy to get "sucked back in" with friendly emails or going into his office. My best days out of that whole period was when I essentially ignored him. I would say hi if I passed him and strictly stuck to only essential work communication only. Of course I got told that I was being "cold". But I was no longer stroking his ego in any way and I felt stronger in myself. The minute I let down my guard and felt myself going soft I lost all the power and felt more emotional than ever.

[Lovetoohard]

I worked with my xMM for 3 months after the affair ended. The ending was painful enough as it is, but those 3 months were pure torture. I was trying to desperately find a balance between having work-focused conversations only versus trying to be friendly while being work-focused, like we were pre-affair. Neither worked because it was too painful and awkward to be around each other after having been so intimately involved and having to cut the A off during it's peak period. Affair dynamic aside, we really helped each other grow and learn in our respective jobs and cutting that mentoring, cheerleading, and moral support out was terribly hard but essential as I think that's where the seeds of the affair were sown. Every attempt at being friendly almost always had some implied or explicit reference to nostalgia, hurt, and anger from the A. My xMM is also not the most communicative guy and internalizes so watching him miserable, especially the first few weeks after made me feel terrible.

 

While I felt fairly strong in my decision to walk away from the affair, I can't be sure that I wouldn't have fallen back into it had my conviction faltered in an attempt to restore a normal work environment for me. Also, I found that I didn't really make any progress with my own healing and moving forward with my life (which was my primary concern) until after we no longer worked together. After a lot of waffling, stumbling, and bumbling, the only feasible solution to manage it while we worked together was to completely ignore and avoid him. With the exception of a brief 'hi' if we ran into each other, I started taking on projects where I worked solo or with others in the group, avoided all office lunches/events, took the stairs instead of the elevator (not fun in fabulous heels!), etc. It took a lot of effort, but it's the only thing that seemed to be workable for me. It also made me really angry because I felt that as a mature and professional woman, I should have been able to handle it without resorting to hiding out, essentially. Affairs, gotta love how they mess you up!

 

I hope you find a solution that fits your work dynamic and personality. Just wanted to share my experience with you. Wishing you lots of positive thoughts...

Edited March 17, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Pili-Pala]

I have hit a wall today. It got to 3pm and I just hit a wall. I had a good therapy session I thought last night. I read through some posts this week and felt good, that I was doing ok, and drew a lot of support from reading other people's experiences and advice. I went into work this morning feeling positive, got a lot of work done, managed some OK work conversations with xMM and then 3pm I literally just hit a wall - I suddenly stopped mid typing an email and felt all the blood drain from my head and hands and just stared at the screen for I don't know how long....

 

I am home now, and it's a long weekend. I thought I would just spend it at home chilling out as I have been away a lot in other cities on weekends recently trying to keep busy and I have just been so tired and just want to sleep and have so many chores to get on top of .... But now I am here and I feel I have made the wrong choice as I just feel so alone and have a whole 4 days ahead of me. I am thinking about him at home with his family, and I feel so so alone. I know I shouldn't be thinking and imagining what he is doing, I know this imaginary life I am creating for him in my head isn't helpful for me... But here I am, doing it over and over, and I just feel so sad and so so so much loss it is making me numb. I can't even cry.

 

I thought I was doing so well

[rainbowsandkittens]

I have hit a wall today. It got to 3pm and I just hit a wall. I had a good therapy session I thought last night. I read through some posts this week and felt good, that I was doing ok, and drew a lot of support from reading other people's experiences and advice. I went into work this morning feeling positive, got a lot of work done, managed some OK work conversations with xMM and then 3pm I literally just hit a wall - I suddenly stopped mid typing an email and felt all the blood drain from my head and hands and just stared at the screen for I don't know how long....

 

I am home now, and it's a long weekend. I thought I would just spend it at home chilling out as I have been away a lot in other cities on weekends recently trying to keep busy and I have just been so tired and just want to sleep and have so many chores to get on top of .... But now I am here and I feel I have made the wrong choice as I just feel so alone and have a whole 4 days ahead of me. I am thinking about him at home with his family, and I feel so so alone. I know I shouldn't be thinking and imagining what he is doing, I know this imaginary life I am creating for him in my head isn't helpful for me... But here I am, doing it over and over, and I just feel so sad and so so so much loss it is making me numb. I can't even cry.

 

I thought I was doing so well

 

Aw. I'm so sorry! I totally know how you're feeling. What can you do at home that will make you feel good? Binge watching something on Netflix? Books you want to read? Taking a bath? Rearranging furniture? How about going to Home Goods or something like it and get some stuff for a spring home refresh? Can you plan brunches with friends? You don't have to plan the entire weekend but just some things to look forward to will make it much easier to deal with.

 

I get it though- in the early days of my breakup I tried to keep myself busy all the time with friends and activities. But eventually it just felt like too much and I really craved alone time. Which started out as sleeping too much (Hi, Depression! Good to see you!) but eventually became me actually taking time to relax. To do things I liked doing and not worry about things I HAD to do. Do you have a dog by any chance? If so, this is the perfect weekend for long walks. If not- what are you waiting for? Dogs are the best companions!

[rainbowsandkittens]

Oh! And you're still doing really well! These things happen, roadblocks come up, we're having a good day until we're not. It doesn't undo any of the good that's come along- it's totally natural. Just keep swimming!

[Babsinhealing]

I have hit a wall today. It got to 3pm and I just hit a wall. I had a good therapy session I thought last night. I read through some posts this week and felt good, that I was doing ok, and drew a lot of support from reading other people's experiences and advice. I went into work this morning feeling positive, got a lot of work done, managed some OK work conversations with xMM and then 3pm I literally just hit a wall - I suddenly stopped mid typing an email and felt all the blood drain from my head and hands and just stared at the screen for I don't know how long....

 

I am home now, and it's a long weekend. I thought I would just spend it at home chilling out as I have been away a lot in other cities on weekends recently trying to keep busy and I have just been so tired and just want to sleep and have so many chores to get on top of .... But now I am here and I feel I have made the wrong choice as I just feel so alone and have a whole 4 days ahead of me. I am thinking about him at home with his family, and I feel so so alone. I know I shouldn't be thinking and imagining what he is doing, I know this imaginary life I am creating for him in my head isn't helpful for me... But here I am, doing it over and over, and I just feel so sad and so so so much loss it is making me numb. I can't even cry.

 

I thought I was doing so well

Ooh Pili-Pala (hugs)... I feel your sadness. I work from home and travel the US every other week but the week I'm home- I experience this. The sadness, loneliness, thinking about him, wondering what he's doing- does he miss me- is he having date night with his wife (ugh). Worse is my xMM spent a significant amount of time in my house so every room screams memories and they trigger me left and right.

 

Just use this time to be kind to yourself and pamper yourself. But don't stay in if you don't feel like it - go shopping, go get manicure, go enjoy a vanilla latte, go out for a glass of wine with a friend (one that makes you laugh!). Also sleep, it's restorative and your body needs it right now. Lastly, you have us so reach out- one of us will be on and we will help keep each other off the ledge

[Pili-Pala]

Aw. I'm so sorry! I totally know how you're feeling. What can you do at home that will make you feel good? Binge watching something on Netflix? Books you want to read? Taking a bath? Rearranging furniture? How about going to Home Goods or something like it and get some stuff for a spring home refresh? Can you plan brunches with friends? You don't have to plan the entire weekend but just some things to look forward to will make it much easier to deal with.

 

I get it though- in the early days of my breakup I tried to keep myself busy all the time with friends and activities. But eventually it just felt like too much and I really craved alone time. Which started out as sleeping too much (Hi, Depression! Good to see you!) but eventually became me actually taking time to relax. To do things I liked doing and not worry about things I HAD to do. Do you have a dog by any chance? If so, this is the perfect weekend for long walks. If not- what are you waiting for? Dogs are the best companions!

 

Oh! And you're still doing really well! These things happen, roadblocks come up, we're having a good day until we're not. It doesn't undo any of the good that's come along- it's totally natural. Just keep swimming!

 

Ooh Pili-Pala (hugs)... I feel your sadness. I work from home and travel the US every other week but the week I'm home- I experience this. The sadness, loneliness, thinking about him, wondering what he's doing- does he miss me- is he having date night with his wife (ugh). Worse is my xMM spent a significant amount of time in my house so every room screams memories and they trigger me left and right.

 

Just use this time to be kind to yourself and pamper yourself. But don't stay in if you don't feel like it - go shopping, go get manicure, go enjoy a vanilla latte, go out for a glass of wine with a friend (one that makes you laugh!). Also sleep, it's restorative and your body needs it right now. Lastly, you have us so reach out- one of us will be on and we will help keep each other off the ledge

 

 

Thanks both, I really appreciate your responses.

 

Sometimes I find this forum challenging, as it reminds me over and again that my situation was not unique and that he was not unique - no matter how much I read stories, there is still a little bit of me that thinks "yeah but our situation actually *was* different/special" - and then when I have to force myself to accept that it's not, it never was, it was all just a big cliche, it makes me so sad and my memories feel so tarnished. But on the flip side, it so so so comforting and supportive to know that, as it wasn't unique, that means there are people out there who know exactly how I feel and help to make me feel normal and ok., and not feel quite so stupid and foolish for letting it go on so long.

 

You are right rainbowsandkittens, a bad day doesn't undo all the good. It's important I think like that! Perhaps tomorrow I shall wake up a bit brighter and be pleased I have so much time to do all the great things you and Babs have suggested! I don't have a dog though - I am more a cat person Wish I had a kitten, though might not be so good to take on a walk!

 

I have just contacted one of my friends and she is still in town for the holidays, so we have arranged to meet for dinner tomorrow. This makes me feel a bit better and maybe I should just take one day at a time this long weekend.

 

P.s. Babs, I know exactly what you mean about reminders! In addition, my house is full of gifts from xMM everywhere I look. Even my TV was a gift!!! Urgggh. It makes me feel sick to look at them all I just see them now as nothing but guilt payments. I must say however, it is an awesome TV, so at least that's something positive to have come out of a sham of a relationship.... Urgggh

[Deidre]

You deserve better than to be someone's other woman. It hurts, yes...but this man only gave you crumbs. The problem isn't the break up, as much as why you think you only deserve crumbs from an unavailable man. Figure that part of it out, and you will be on your way to healing. And finding healthy relationship with men who don't offer you mere crumbs. ((hugs))

[13Hearts]

Thanks both, I really appreciate your responses.

 

Sometimes I find this forum challenging, as it reminds me over and again that my situation was not unique and that he was not unique - no matter how much I read stories, there is still a little bit of me that thinks "yeah but our situation actually *was* different/special" - and then when I have to force myself to accept that it's not, it never was, it was all just a big cliche, it makes me so sad and my memories feel so tarnished. But on the flip side, it so so so comforting and supportive to know that, as it wasn't unique, that means there are people out there who know exactly how I feel and help to make me feel normal and ok., and not feel quite so stupid and foolish for letting it go on so long.

 

You are right rainbowsandkittens, a bad day doesn't undo all the good. It's important I think like that! Perhaps tomorrow I shall wake up a bit brighter and be pleased I have so much time to do all the great things you and Babs have suggested! I don't have a dog though - I am more a cat person Wish I had a kitten, though might not be so good to take on a walk!

 

I have just contacted one of my friends and she is still in town for the holidays, so we have arranged to meet for dinner tomorrow. This makes me feel a bit better and maybe I should just take one day at a time this long weekend.

 

P.s. Babs, I know exactly what you mean about reminders! In addition, my house is full of gifts from xMM everywhere I look. Even my TV was a gift!!! Urgggh. It makes me feel sick to look at them all I just see them now as nothing but guilt payments. I must say however, it is an awesome TV, so at least that's something positive to have come out of a sham of a relationship.... Urgggh

 

There's stuff all over my house from xMM too, Pili-Pala. Heck, there's stuff even built into my house from xMM. Some time ago, it would have caused me too much angst and heartache to keep that stuff around. But I'm at the point in my life where I don't let that kind of thing get the best of me. Those things are just things and they don't mean or stand for anything. I'm keeping those things and enjoying them, and I don't think about him when I do.

[Deidre]

ETA, even if he left his wife for you...what would you have gained? A man who doesn't have the balls to end his (supposedly) bad marriage, but instead cheats. And you will have to worry...will he do this to me? If he did this with me, will he do it to me? (most likely, yes he would)

 

The truth is, every woman is the ''other woman'', when it comes to men like this.

[Babsinhealing]

Thanks both, I really appreciate your responses.

 

Sometimes I find this forum challenging, as it reminds me over and again that my situation was not unique and that he was not unique - no matter how much I read stories, there is still a little bit of me that thinks "yeah but our situation actually *was* different/special" - and then when I have to force myself to accept that it's not, it never was, it was all just a big cliche, it makes me so sad and my memories feel so tarnished. But on the flip side, it so so so comforting and supportive to know that, as it wasn't unique, that means there are people out there who know exactly how I feel and help to make me feel normal and ok., and not feel quite so stupid and foolish for letting it go on so long.

 

You are right rainbowsandkittens, a bad day doesn't undo all the good. It's important I think like that! Perhaps tomorrow I shall wake up a bit brighter and be pleased I have so much time to do all the great things you and Babs have suggested! I don't have a dog though - I am more a cat person Wish I had a kitten, though might not be so good to take on a walk!

 

I have just contacted one of my friends and she is still in town for the holidays, so we have arranged to meet for dinner tomorrow. This makes me feel a bit better and maybe I should just take one day at a time this long weekend.

 

P.s. Babs, I know exactly what you mean about reminders! In addition, my house is full of gifts from xMM everywhere I look. Even my TV was a gift!!! Urgggh. It makes me feel sick to look at them all I just see them now as nothing but guilt payments. I must say however, it is an awesome TV, so at least that's something positive to have come out of a sham of a relationship.... Urgggh

I'm a cat person too- but I agree- not great for walking.

 

I'm glad you are going out with a girlfriend- get dressed up, do your hair differently, put on some great perfume, smile and feel good about what you have to offer -it will make you feel better. I went to the grocery store today with my glasses, a baseball hat, no make up and yoga pants today and felt like a troll. However I know if I had to- give me an hour I could totally transform myself and turn some heads (always a confidence booster)... Although to be honest that's the last thing I feel like doing and I'm still in yoga pants

 

And in regards to your comment about being a cliche and your A not being special. I think differently ... This is my life, my moments, my wonderful experiences, I felt what I felt, these will be memories that only we share together...We can't go back in time, we can't erase them. I don't see them as being tarnished because we didn't end up together- I just see them as memories that I will add to my book of life. Some will make me smile some will make me sad but don't all memories do that?

[13Hearts]

I agree with Babs.

 

Soon, xMM will be all but a distant memory. As all my exes have become. The pain will fade, you'll move on to new and exciting things, and one day you will meet someone else who will make you forget about xMM entirely. Every once in a while you'll look back and hopefully you will know what this experience taught you, how it matured you, and it won't hurt.

 

You are doing A LOT of work on yourself. You are fighting an uphill battle maintaining NC, you are posting and reading here and learning about affairs and yourself and why you made certain decisions, and you're in therapy. You are doing a lot of work! So of course you are exhausted and of course you hit a wall. What the wall is telling you is that you just need a break from all of this exhausting work you are doing on yourself! You need to do something mindless and fun. Have a nice relaxing weekend ❤

[Pili-Pala]

This is my life, my moments, my wonderful experiences, I felt what I felt, these will be memories that only we share together...We can't go back in time, we can't erase them. I don't see them as being tarnished because we didn't end up together- I just see them as memories that I will add to my book of life. Some will make me smile some will make me sad but don't all memories do that?

 

You are right Babs. Some of it was truly wonderful - and I should use that memory not to say "I shouldn't have done that" but to say "that was nice so I will do that again in future when I am in a healthy normal relationship"

 

I agree with Babs.

 

Soon, xMM will be all but a distant memory. As all my exes have become. The pain will fade, you'll move on to new and exciting things, and one day you will meet someone else who will make you forget about xMM entirely. Every once in a while you'll look back and hopefully you will know what this experience taught you, how it matured you, and it won't hurt.

 

You are doing A LOT of work on yourself. You are fighting an uphill battle maintaining NC, you are posting and reading here and learning about affairs and yourself and why you made certain decisions, and you're in therapy. You are doing a lot of work! So of course you are exhausted and of course you hit a wall. What the wall is telling you is that you just need a break from all of this exhausting work you are doing on yourself! You need to do something mindless and fun. Have a nice relaxing weekend ❤

 

You are also right 13Hearts. You have actually reminded me of something my therapist said to me this week (we covered a lot of ground last night so some of it is taking a while to digest!). He said that naturally my impatient trait wants me to wake up tomorrow and be happy overnight. He said, "wouldn't that be a great thing for you to have recovered and be ok in an instant. But then again," he said, "wouldn't it be a shame to have lost that opportunity to learn and develop?" When he put it like that it did make it seem worth the effort - I certainly don't want to be in this situation again and I certainly would like to take learnings from it for future relationship me (the one that makes me forget all about xMM). He told me to silence my impatient self by telling it that it's going to take 3 months, then forget about that timeline and continue the steps I am taking to deal with it whilst my impatient self has that "timeframe" as a bone to chew on.

So I have told myself 100 days - as it ties in with 100 days NC that everyone talks about - and I am trying my best to learn and grow and adopt and apply the strategies we are developing in therapy - but you are right, it's exhausting, and maybe I do need to give myself a break from it all! I think I am going to wake up tomorrow and write myself a list of things I want to do and achieve this weekend, none of which has anything to do with thinking about the situation, or me, or future me (or having to see and speak to him - hoorah!) - it'll just be me doing what I want to do for few days.. with perhaps the occasional checking in on LS

 

 

Thank you all, as always you are a massive support!

[13Hearts]

You are right Babs. Some of it was truly wonderful - and I should use that memory not to say "I shouldn't have done that" but to say "that was nice so I will do that again in future when I am in a healthy normal relationship"

 

 

 

You are also right 13Hearts. You have actually reminded me of something my therapist said to me this week (we covered a lot of ground last night so some of it is taking a while to digest!). He said that naturally my impatient trait wants me to wake up tomorrow and be happy overnight. He said, "wouldn't that be a great thing for you to have recovered and be ok in an instant. But then again," he said, "wouldn't it be a shame to have lost that opportunity to learn and develop?" When he put it like that it did make it seem worth the effort - I certainly don't want to be in this situation again and I certainly would like to take learnings from it for future relationship me (the one that makes me forget all about xMM). He told me to silence my impatient self by telling it that it's going to take 3 months, then forget about that timeline and continue the steps I am taking to deal with it whilst my impatient self has that "timeframe" as a bone to chew on.

So I have told myself 100 days - as it ties in with 100 days NC that everyone talks about - and I am trying my best to learn and grow and adopt and apply the strategies we are developing in therapy - but you are right, it's exhausting, and maybe I do need to give myself a break from it all! I think I am going to wake up tomorrow and write myself a list of things I want to do and achieve this weekend, none of which has anything to do with thinking about the situation, or me, or future me (or having to see and speak to him - hoorah!) - it'll just be me doing what I want to do for few days.. with perhaps the occasional checking in on LS

 

 

Thank you all, as always you are a massive support!

Sounds like you have a very good therapist. And you are very smart.

[Babsinhealing]

How are you doing Pili-Pala? Did you have a good, relaxing weekend? Thinking of you and sending well wishes!

[Pili-Pala]

How are you doing Pili-Pala? Did you have a good, relaxing weekend? Thinking of you and sending well wishes!

 

 

Thanks Babs I am doing ok - thank you so much for asking.

 

I hindsight I think I won't leave myself with such a unplanned weekend again in the near future! i do think it's important I have some time on my own, but 4 whole days was probably pushing it! Luckily I did manage to distract myself with various last minute plans. Dinner with my friend who knows about A on Friday was very helpful. But I went to visit friend and her family for lunch yesterday who don't know about A (only a handful of my close friends do) and I found it hard to be around them and their family as I don't want to pretend I am ok, and when we "catch up" I feel like there is such a HUGE part of my entire life I am neglecting to mention and that makes me feel a bit of a liar and that the friendship is so superficial. But also, I suppose it was good to be forced to smile and not talk about him and get on with it for a few hours. Any more then that though and I would have wanted to scream!

 

I read on the other thread that you were trying to not think about xMM and him enjoying Easter with his family, but it was hard not to. I am the same and kept wondering what he was doing for the weekend. I did some fb stalking and realised they are away visiting her extended family. This made me feel awful for several reasons. I guess I feel angry that yet again he gets to carry on like nothing ever happen, slip back into life as usual, but also sad and frustrated that it's just more sham happy families being played on an extended family scale. They are both too proud to tell their families they are having problems, so it will all be a big front. I sort of wish she would tell her family as I think the pretence must be draining and I feel sad that she really has very little support - argh stop!!! There I go again!!! His stuff not my stuff!!!! Why am I letting my xMM's weekend with the the inlaws dominate my thinking?! Why can I not stop thinking about them and their M?! It's nothing to do with me and shouldn't effect how I feel. But it does though

 

I am also annoyed at myself for looking Why did I do fb stalking?! Also does that really mean I have broken NC? I mean, it was a moment of weakness but I didn't reach out or contact him. I know I shouldn't do it though - I know it's not helpful. But I don't think I can put it down to breaking NC as that might be a kick in the gut I can't take right now, and aside from all that, I was sort of doing ok with this... I did have quite a relaxing weekend overall and I feel I got lot of sleep and feel much more rested. I was even starting to think about my next steps....

 

Well if I decide to count it as breaking NC or not, I can tell you either definition it wasn't helpful! Not in the slightest. And if anything made it worse then my imagination running riot. So hang in there Babs, as I know you will as you are resolute!

Edited March 28, 2016 by Pili-Pala

[Babsinhealing]

Hi Pili-Pala- I was hoping you filled the weekend - I know how hard it is to be alone for days with only your thoughts. I travel a lot for work so I'm in planes, hotels and airports alone all the time. It's frustrating when your mind is consumed with thoughts of him. I also know what you mean about being around friends that don't know. It was the same with my sister this weekend. I wanted to share but there is no way I could. She knows I'm sad and depressed but thank god I can use the peri menopause eacuse. But I feel bad I can't share the pain I'm experiencing with family and friends- this is my fight alone I guess.

 

I know many will say checking FB is breaking NC but I'm not sure of all the rules. I guess the reason why is exactly as you stated... It made you feel worse. My xMM has no social media so it's easy for me in a way. His wife does but she never updates it and there isn't one pic of him on it (at least there were none during our A). I guess the lesson learned is if it makes you feel bad- just avoid doing it. That's my new motto. It's not easy because I have so many triggers. Even this morning, I was sitting in the airport and I kept looking at my phone waiting for my good morning text- I always looked forward to talking to him while I waited for my early morning flights. Oh well- so many habits to break.

 

I did remember that my xMM was bringing his daughter back to college yesterday so that gave me a little comfort. He has to drive this highway that he and I have many memories driving together and I'm sure it wasn't easy for him not to think of me and those fabulous times we shared. I guess that made me a little happy in a way. I doubt he will ever be able to drive it again without thinking of me. (I know- that's mean but oh well).

 

Well I guess we are all learning how to cope with our new lives and we need to change our actions and way of thinking. Not easy after years of habits but what other choice do we have! Stay strong with NC. Maybe you should just block it and see if after a few weeks you feel better not checking. Take care and keep posting- it's good to get it out!

[Pili-Pala]

I had a trigger this evening and I wrote this really long post about how much I hate him and hate myself for believing in him all that time. I was angry. I felt I had to vent here or I was going to do something worse like break NC so I wrote this long angry rambling post full of hate...

 

.... and then my battery died on my iPad and I lost the whole post.

 

And you know what, I feel better. And I feel better that none of you had to read it as hate is such an ugly draining emotion. And I don't want to give him that hate as that hate can be such a strong emotion that it binds me more and more to him. And it reminded me of a quote Satu said on another thread. That you have to let the emotion come and go. Let it come and let it go. And now I think I can finally get to sleep.

 

Thanks LS crew for being there for me without even realising it. Maybe I will wake up feeling a little brighter tomorrow and a bit more forgiving towards myself...

[solonely9]

I understand how you feel. Just today, I wrote like 20 "I hate you's" in my journal, addressed to XMM. It helped me calm down and prevented me from breaking NC. I'm constantly going through all kinds of emotions and I don't want to act on them, especially on hate. That's why I write in my journal and read here.

 

Hope you feel better tomorrow.

[Grey Cloud]

Thanks Babs I am doing ok - thank you so much for asking.

 

I hindsight I think I won't leave myself with such a unplanned weekend again in the near future! i do think it's important I have some time on my own, but 4 whole days was probably pushing it! Luckily I did manage to distract myself with various last minute plans. Dinner with my friend who knows about A on Friday was very helpful. But I went to visit friend and her family for lunch yesterday who don't know about A (only a handful of my close friends do) and I found it hard to be around them and their family as I don't want to pretend I am ok, and when we "catch up" I feel like there is such a HUGE part of my entire life I am neglecting to mention and that makes me feel a bit of a liar and that the friendship is so superficial. But also, I suppose it was good to be forced to smile and not talk about him and get on with it for a few hours. Any more then that though and I would have wanted to scream!

 

I read on the other thread that you were trying to not think about xMM and him enjoying Easter with his family, but it was hard not to. I am the same and kept wondering what he was doing for the weekend. I did some fb stalking and realised they are away visiting her extended family. This made me feel awful for several reasons. I guess I feel angry that yet again he gets to carry on like nothing ever happen, slip back into life as usual, but also sad and frustrated that it's just more sham happy families being played on an extended family scale. They are both too proud to tell their families they are having problems, so it will all be a big front. I sort of wish she would tell her family as I think the pretence must be draining and I feel sad that she really has very little support - argh stop!!! There I go again!!! His stuff not my stuff!!!! Why am I letting my xMM's weekend with the the inlaws dominate my thinking?! Why can I not stop thinking about them and their M?! It's nothing to do with me and shouldn't effect how I feel. But it does though

 

I am also annoyed at myself for looking Why did I do fb stalking?! Also does that really mean I have broken NC? I mean, it was a moment of weakness but I didn't reach out or contact him. I know I shouldn't do it though - I know it's not helpful. But I don't think I can put it down to breaking NC as that might be a kick in the gut I can't take right now, and aside from all that, I was sort of doing ok with this... I did have quite a relaxing weekend overall and I feel I got lot of sleep and feel much more rested. I was even starting to think about my next steps....

 

Well if I decide to count it as breaking NC or not, I can tell you either definition it wasn't helpful! Not in the slightest. And if anything made it worse then my imagination running riot. So hang in there Babs, as I know you will as you are resolute!

 

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about the FB stalking. I think we all need to do it to realise how bad it makes us feel. To know nothing is achieved by it except to get further proof of "happy families" even if behind closed doors it's a different story. For the majority of our A, xMM and I weren't FB friends to not draw attention to ourselves in any way at work etc. when I did eventually become FB friends with him it was like a stab in the heart. His w is a prolific FB poster and tagged him in everything. I saw their whole life unfold in front of me over the year we had been together. When xMM and I first got together, I saw a week later they were out for a fancy dinner celebrating their 5 year anniversary. Then there was the the time they went away for the weekend with all happy family snaps and I realised that was the weekend he was in contact with me non stop saying he was thinking about me and missing me. I felt like a hypocrite. He was also a hypocrite!! Then it was his birthday when she posted how she has a wonderful husband, how he is a great father and how she loves him so much. And I know at the same time behind closed doors she was confronting him about her suspicions that he was having an affair. They don't call it "fake book" for nothing!

 

I have blocked both of them so I am not tempted to peek. It's not my business what they are up to anymore. It was the best thing I did because otherwise it's a form of torture seeing what they are up to and letting the imagination run wild!