Overwhelmed - MM has ended our affair

[elaine567]

Other men I've been in relationships with were basically the same, simply did as they pleased without bothering to check with me, negotiate, or come to some kind of agreement about it, despite the probability that their actions would affect me immensely, and sometimes even disastrously. One thought it was perfectly acceptable to go on crack and booze benders, another moved to another state (close by) when we lived together and expected me to drive there to see him, another expected me to just leave my place and move in with him, another simply moved himself and his children into my house.

 

Many women I talk to gripe about how selfish and self-centered men are. It's true. But we attribute that selfishness to their immorality. Could it be, instead, that they are just selfish and self-centered without being immoral? When we expect them to be something they simply are not (other-focused), we are sure to be disappointed and hurt.

 

 

I believe they are that way, because we women tend to accommodate this type of man, and pander to their selfishness, right from when they are toddlers to grown adults.

"We"(gen) allow them to be selfish, "we"(gen) allow them to be immoral.

"We"(gen) tend to be so scared of losing them and "we"(gen) have a need to be loved, so that "we"(gen) let them get away with almost anything.

Boys will be boys, men will be men...

Edited March 8, 2016 by elaine567

[ladydesigner]

I believe they are that way, because we women tend to accommodate this type of man, and pander to their selfishness, right from when they are toddlers to grown adults.

"We"(gen) allow them to be selfish, "we"(gen) allow them to be immoral.

"We"(gen) tend to be so scared of losing them and "we"(gen) have a need to be loved, so that "we"(gen) let them get away with almost anything.

Boys will be boys, men will be men...

 

Yep guess who isn't doing this anymore!

[Pili-Pala]

I am really struggling today. I feel so sad. I have cried today for the first time. First time since I started and this relationship. I found out from a colleague that he has booked a holiday next month. One the one hand I feel glad that he is obviously now finally working on his marriage as he hasn't even tried since D-day. I guess I have now given him the closure to allow him to do that. I do want him to do that as otherwise its all a waste. But on the other hand it feels like a punch to the stomach and I feel so so sad. Perhaps there was part of me that still hoped this time would make him change his mind. Stupid stupid fool.

 

Its not fair! Its not fair that he gets to go back to playing happy families, that he has someone telling him they love him. Probably even hugging him and kissing him and I don't want to think what else. And I am left with nothing and no-one. No one to hold me. No one to make me think maybe I have happiness in my future. I know I have no one to blame but myself. My god I know that, I have been beating myself up about that very thing for days. But it's just not fair how hard it is. I feel like its all a punishment for a stupid stupid error of judgement and I am the only one paying the price.

[bathtub-row]

I feel for you and I know how that punch in the stomach feels. It's a really tough thing. But the truth is, you don't really know how things are between them. The resentment his wife must feel after his affair is probably tremendous. Not only that, but he has to emotionally regroup and somehow detach his heart from you. I don't think any of those things spell "happy family". And vacations can also make the pain even worse instead of better.

 

But what we all are best to do in these situations is to accept that the other person has made a choice and they're willing to withstand all the negatives in order to stay in their marriage. There's little else to do.

 

Does it seem unfair? It really does. The MM seemingly moves on without a scratch and that's just another slap in the face. But even after 3 yrs of being broken up, my xMM still tries to talk to me. That doesn't seem really very loyal to his wife, if you ask me. And it doesn't seem like a happily married man who has moved on. I'm guessing it's the same with your xMM. Appearances can be very deceiving.

Edited March 9, 2016 by bathtub-row

[Babsinhealing]

I am really struggling today. I feel so sad. I have cried today for the first time. First time since I started and this relationship. I found out from a colleague that he has booked a holiday next month. One the one hand I feel glad that he is obviously now finally working on his marriage as he hasn't even tried since D-day. I guess I have now given him the closure to allow him to do that. I do want him to do that as otherwise its all a waste. But on the other hand it feels like a punch to the stomach and I feel so so sad. Perhaps there was part of me that still hoped this time would make him change his mind. Stupid stupid fool.

 

Its not fair! Its not fair that he gets to go back to playing happy families, that he has someone telling him they love him. Probably even hugging him and kissing him and I don't want to think what else. And I am left with nothing and no-one. No one to hold me. No one to make me think maybe I have happiness in my future. I know I have no one to blame but myself. My god I know that, I have been beating myself up about that very thing for days. But it's just not fair how hard it is. I feel like its all a punishment for a stupid stupid error of judgement and I am the only one paying the price.

Hi Pila-Pala

 

First of all I just want to comment on what an incredible thread this is. I've found it so helpful reading everyone's comments, experiences and advice, including your own journey- knowing that others feel the exact same way I do on a minute by minute basis (as we know emotions are ever changing with grief). This is the exact reason I decided to join this type of support community as I'm experiencing my own emotional mess post d-day. Your healing journey sounds so familiar, especially the rejection part. Nothing worse than thinking you were his everything when in fact you were nothing but a temporary escape for his unhappy marriage.

 

I didn't comment throughout your thread because everyone did such a good job posting and I couldn't add much. But this post about his upcoming holiday and the fact you are focused on him now living in this newfound fairytale life with his wife caught my eye. It's amazing how creative our mind can be when we want it to be. It can also really set us back if we allow it. Post d-day for me I had all these horrible visions of them "sexually hysterical bonding" and him holding her while she grieved- I imagined them sitting and talking and holding each other for hours ... Only to find out several weeks out (because we were still in touch at that time) that they haven't touched since d-day, she's disgusted by him and all she did was scream and cry for days- or go into complete withdrawal mode ...where he just wanted to escape the house or beg her to stop the madness. So my imagination steered me totally wrong. What I've found, especially now that I'm in NC after I finally ended the A is that it's best to not let your mind think and dwell about things you can't 100% state are TRUE. Otherwise it's just speculation and perception which isn't based in reality. Once I stopped doing that I found more peace. It's not easy but it works! Unless they are both on happy pills, I doubt they have miraculously found love and happiness whereas they can't keep their hands off each other. Not very likely given their history.

 

You sound like you have amazing strength and are no doubt a great catch for any man (always remember that!). Good luck on your healing journey and don't worry about days when you take a step backwards... just get up, get back on track and focus on finding happiness.

[Pili-Pala]

But the truth is, you don't really know how things are between them...

 

But what we all are best to do in these situations is to accept that the other person has made a choice and they're willing to withstand all the negatives in order to stay in their marriage. There's little else to do.

 

... Appearances can be very deceiving.

 

 

It's amazing how creative our mind can be when we want it to be.

 

... it's best to not let your mind think and dwell about things you can't 100% state are TRUE. Otherwise it's just speculation and perception which isn't based in reality. Once I stopped doing that I found more peace. It's not easy but it works! Unless they are both on happy pills, I doubt they have miraculously found love and happiness whereas they can't keep their hands off each other. Not very likely given their history.

 

... don't worry about days when you take a step backwards... just get up, get back on track and focus on finding happiness.

 

Yes, this thread has been great - and I often go back and read through the replies again. Thank you both for your replies too. Your posts really helped calmed me down a lot and I have woken up this morning (after very little sleep!) determined to accept I had a bad day and, to quote you again Babs, just get up and get back on track. I do hope there are no surprises today though.

 

I am also focusing today on the fact their holidays always sounded like holidays I would hate - I often did wonder how compatible we really were.... now I am trying to remember my doubts about us and that seems to be helping motivate me a bit more to get thought this... however long it takes. Which right now seems such a long time that I can't see the other end of the bridge... But, one foot in front of the other and an occasional wobble, that's all I can do.

 

Ok new day, let's do this.

[Popsicle]

I am always more intrigued by where couples in crisis, or generally unhappy couples choose to go on holiday than anything else. Are the kids going too? Etc. etc.

[bathrobe]

Pili-Pala can you really not see what your guy was doing? He's married with kids, had an affair with you for two years (!), giving you false hope that he was going to leave his wife. When she found out, he finally said he was gonna rent an apartment for you guys, but as soon as the wife changed her mind so did he. Why would he go through a divorce when he's got kids, a wife who probably takes care of their home and a mistress on a side just in case he gets bored with his wife?

 

Please start respecting yourself and find a man with balls.

[Pili-Pala]

Pili-Pala can you really not see what your guy was doing? He's married with kids, had an affair with you for two years (!), giving you false hope that he was going to leave his wife. When she found out, he finally said he was gonna rent an apartment for you guys, but as soon as the wife changed her mind so did he. Why would he go through a divorce when he's got kids, a wife who probably takes care of their home and a mistress on a side just in case he gets bored with his wife?

 

Please start respecting yourself and find a man with balls.

 

Actually that's not what happened at all. She was willing to take him back and try to make it work from the day after d-day. I know this for reason other than just what he told me (which I don't want to go into).

 

However - your advice still stand. I just need to accept his choice and move on. And find a man with balls!

[privategal]

What the hardest part is..is the A becomes your world.

You become this character in this story.

Its all playing out like fiction really.

Then when the plug is pulled you are left standing like the lights are out, the curtain is drawn on your world.

You no longer recognize yourself and your life.

And you are abandoned, you are completely dissallusioned as you were once everything to another...then you feel the coldness, they are marching on with their TRUE LIFE spouse and you are mow invisible, a memory, the past, invisible, disconnected and forgotten.

And you are lost as to how to claw back to you.

And theres no help.

The therapist, the friends, the spouse...nobody gets it, unless you lived it.

So you recover alone...and feel like your trying to move an entire sand beach with nothing but a teaspoon.

[Babsinhealing]

Yes, this thread has been great - and I often go back and read through the replies again. Thank you both for your replies too. Your posts really helped calmed me down a lot and I have woken up this morning (after very little sleep!) determined to accept I had a bad day and, to quote you again Babs, just get up and get back on track. I do hope there are no surprises today though.

 

I am also focusing today on the fact their holidays always sounded like holidays I would hate - I often did wonder how compatible we really were.... now I am trying to remember my doubts about us and that seems to be helping motivate me a bit more to get thought this... however long it takes. Which right now seems such a long time that I can't see the other end of the bridge... But, one foot in front of the other and an occasional wobble, that's all I can do.

 

Ok new day, let's do this.

It's funny you say that about the holiday... My xMM hadn't done a holiday with his family for years, which I found insane- and it wasn't for a lack of money. His reasoning is work is too busy, his girls got too busy in sports and it just got lost in living a busy life. Omg- I need that at least annually! The first year we started seeing each other he had a week off planned for a "staycation" at home but cancelled it because he wouldn't be able to see me that week (oh, the good ol' days). The second year he did the staycation because his two girls were home from college and they did day trips (and I was traveling for work that week) and despite the fact I told him not to keep in touch, enjoy the time with his family, the second he found himself alone, he was checking in. Ok, I digress... Bottom line, I like to cruise and hug palm trees, stroll the streets of Rome, and snorkel. If I had to stay home for my vacations, I would rip out my hair as I work from a home office. I need to keep reminding myself that life with him outside of the A may have been a incompatible nightmare.

[Babsinhealing]

What the hardest part is..is the A becomes your world.

You become this character in this story.

Its all playing out like fiction really.

Then when the plug is pulled you are left standing like the lights are out, the curtain is drawn on your world.

You no longer recognize yourself and your life.

And you are abandoned, you are completely dissallusioned as you were once everything to another...then you feel the coldness, they are marching on with their TRUE LIFE spouse and you are mow invisible, a memory, the past, invisible, disconnected and forgotten.

And you are lost as to how to claw back to you.

And theres no help.

The therapist, the friends, the spouse...nobody gets it, unless you lived it.

So you recover alone...and feel like your trying to move an entire sand beach with nothing but a teaspoon.

Privategal- you are spot on... You nailed that. I've had incredible issues with abandonment throughout my life and my therapist said the most eye opening thing to me yesterday... He said" I find it interesting that you chose this affair... Knowing that it had an incredibly high chance of abandonment- the thing you fear the most. Whereas you turned your eyes away from your husband for almost two years, which has been your source of security for years". It was true- my husband adores me and would never cheat or abandon me. However, I chose to have an affair because of a sexless marriage. Now I've been abandoned by my xMM and I'm still in a sexless marriage. My gosh- what a mess.

[Cymbeline]

'I am always more intrigued by where couples in crisis, or generally unhappy couples choose to go on holiday than anything else. Are the kids going too? Etc. etc.'

 

You might be surprised at how easy it is actually. Despite the affair assuming immense importance in the life and thoughts of the OP, it has likely taken up less time than one thinks from the life of the MP. (Nothing says 'I love you' like a passionate email sent while sitting on the toilet), even if their thoughts are wandering.

 

In practical terms, it has taken even less from the BS - after all, it too sufficiently little time that s/he was unaware of it.

 

The distraction of a holiday location, together with family life means that, despite knowledge of betrayal committed and reconciliation to work on, family life simply continues in a practical and pragmatic sense and the affair, now known about, is not, in day to day terms, part of this. Nor has it ever been. It is actually an effective way of reaffirming the ties that bind and checking that they still work ok. And there is no housework or boring stuff and the kids are having fun.

 

Despite the connection/passion and whatever of an affair, true romance and love is to to be found in the quotidian and that is what may be rediscovered on a holiday.

 

Anyway, the BW in this scenario sounds pretty grounded and not especially melodramatic or flappable.

[RRM321]

I am really struggling today. I feel so sad. I have cried today for the first time. First time since I started and this relationship. I found out from a colleague that he has booked a holiday next month. One the one hand I feel glad that he is obviously now finally working on his marriage as he hasn't even tried since D-day. I guess I have now given him the closure to allow him to do that. I do want him to do that as otherwise its all a waste. But on the other hand it feels like a punch to the stomach and I feel so so sad. Perhaps there was part of me that still hoped this time would make him change his mind. Stupid stupid fool.

 

Its not fair! Its not fair that he gets to go back to playing happy families, that he has someone telling him they love him. Probably even hugging him and kissing him and I don't want to think what else. And I am left with nothing and no-one. No one to hold me. No one to make me think maybe I have happiness in my future. I know I have no one to blame but myself. My god I know that, I have been beating myself up about that very thing for days. But it's just not fair how hard it is. I feel like its all a punishment for a stupid stupid error of judgement and I am the only one paying the price.

 

 

Start being kinder to yourself. your not stupid - you're susceptible.

 

True, you knew from the start the man was unavailable. You had 2 years to discern the level of commitment to you or his family. If you were actually stupid you wouldn't be smart enough to be mad at yourself.

 

Affairs aren't about happiness. They are about vitality - that is why WS rarely leaves the marriage. Unhappy people change careers, uproot homes, leave their country, and do all manor a major life changes - and yet, as common and high as the divorce rate is - cheaters stay married! They are not unhappy, they are looking for adventure.

 

You need vitality too, and there are no shortcuts.

 

You're not stupid but, you do have to start looking for available partners who can build something unique with you, something that requires a lot of work. Stay away from the temptation of finished products with that glossy packaging that have been pre-built for someone else.

[heartwhole]

I can completely understand how on some subconscious level you had hopes that during this time they would decide to separate. Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling until I'm hit with a big disappointment.

 

You really can't know what is going on in their marriage. Probably things are too broken to fix. Even if they stay together, it will probably be with a lot of resentment and dysfunction in the mix. If they do manage to deal with their issues and come out stronger, then of course you'll have mixed feelings about that. You'll be happy that he seems to be growing into the man he should have been all along but annoyed that he used you and discarded you to get there.

 

A month after DD my WH and I bought a vacation home in the mountains together. (Hey, at least we didn't have a baby to fix our marriage, right?) It just felt right and we did it for the right reasons . . . as a symbol of our long-term commitment to one another, as a way to get away and just focus on our family, as a way to return to who we had been before the affair (when we had looked for a home out there but not found one). But obviously there's also something sad and pathetic about it, maybe? It all depends on how you look at it. Beyond all the nice things that the house represents to us, the message also mattered to me. It was my WH saying that he had no doubts. It's something new and happy post-affair that isn't sullied by it.

 

We've also taken a few trips and I know he has something planned for my birthday. Every trip is a drop in the bucket of rebuilding and reconciling, but no single trip or gift or even vacation house means that the relationship is suddenly, magically fixed. The real work of fixing a relationship is in every little kind, caring choice you make throughout the day. And that's a lot harder than buying something or going somewhere.

 

As for feeling like he just gets off scot free, I don't think so. If he's really committed to changing himself and improving his marriage, then he is in for a long, long slog of it. He has to go from 100% focused on himself to 100% focused on his wife and family. For a cake-eater, that's a tall order. Or, he's not really committed to changing, and he's just throwing his wife some bones so she doesn't leave. He doesn't want to be divorced, but he sure doesn't want to sacrifice any of his own comfort to be happily married either. So things will stay the same. He'll eventually cheat again. The dysfunction will continue.

 

I have my head on straight and I won't tolerate being taken for granted any more. But 11 months in, it is still such a struggle. He still views himself as a poor victim who was justified in cheating on me. He still lacks compassion and empathy for my health condition which limits my functioning. Just the other night we had a fight and he exploded with anger about how before the affair, he asked me to wake up earlier with the kids and I couldn't keep it up long-term. Why? Because I suffer from real, actual fatigue. He just doesn't see it. He can hear me say, "I won't put up with X" and he knows that he'd better change that behavior or I'm out of here, but he can't see me with the same consideration or compassion that I see (saw) him. Sure, he has bought me a diamond necklace and a new diamond wedding band and a vacation house, and I think he's buying me a new car. But you know what? After a divorce I'd be able to buy myself all those things too. They're nice, and I probably look like I have a charmed life, but I'm stuck with this guy who needs me to explain to him, over and over, what empathy looks like, what remorse looks like, what compassion looks like. I have to say, "When I ask if you're remorseful about the affair, and then you take a deep breath and then answer in a pinched voice, 'Yes, of course,' I only hear lack of remorse. Real remorse means being willing to tell me over and over, with conviction, until it sinks in." 99% of cheaters will only do the bare minimum to get their spouse to stay. When you are dealing with somebody with narcissistic traits, there's only so much empathy they're capable of.

 

All this is to say, don't be fooled by a vacation or a diamond necklace. Sure, that's nice. If a couple is to stay together, then by all means the cheater needs to woo back the betrayed spouse. But she's still stuck with a selfish a-hole and the chances of that changing are not great.

Edited March 10, 2016 by heartwhole

[loveisanaction]

Pilli,

 

When you say it is not fair that your exMM gets to go on holiday and play happy family...it actually is fair. What your exMM is doing is working on his marriage, he is allowed to do that after a crises, it's what married people do.

 

Plus, you say you don't understand how his wife can take him back after he's cheated on her, you are not his wife and even you are finding it hard to get over him yet you only had an affair with him for 2 years. His wife has been married to him for much longer and has children for him. This might hurt but no matter what you might feel, her bond with him is much much more stronger than yours.

 

When a woman goes into an affair with a married man, if the outcome is (and it usually is) that he ends up staying with his wife then there's nothing unfair about that. She is his wife. No ow should ever expect that she will end up with her MM. Even if her MM says he loves her and says how miserable he is being married, the ow should never have hope that she will end up with her MM. If it happens...okay...if not that's okay too.

 

Please always remember that the man you had an affair with has a wife, she has more rights to him than you, him working on his marriage is the right thing for him to do, him loving his wife is his duty...that's what marriage is all about.

 

In the near future i hope to read a post about you finding love with a single man.

[Pili-Pala]

Pilli,

 

When you say it is not fair that your exMM gets to go on holiday and play happy family...it actually is fair. What your exMM is doing is working on his marriage, he is allowed to do that after a crises, it's what married people do.

 

Plus, you say you don't understand how his wife can take him back after he's cheated on her, you are not his wife and even you are finding it hard to get over him yet you only had an affair with him for 2 years. His wife has been married to him for much longer and has children for him. This might hurt but no matter what you might feel, her bond with him is much much more stronger than yours.

 

When a woman goes into an affair with a married man, if the outcome is (and it usually is) that he ends up staying with his wife then there's nothing unfair about that. She is his wife. No ow should ever expect that she will end up with her MM. Even if her MM says he loves her and says how miserable he is being married, the ow should never have hope that she will end up with her MM. If it happens...okay...if not that's okay too.

 

Please always remember that the man you had an affair with has a wife, she has more rights to him than you, him working on his marriage is the right thing for him to do, him loving his wife is his duty...that's what marriage is all about.

 

In the near future i hope to read a post about you finding love with a single man.

 

 

I am not sure that I ever said it's fair on the wife. I don't think it's fair on her at all. I meant more between my MM, sorry xMM, and me. But I realise that is a black and white view and overall I am feeling today that perhaps looking at things that way I am being selfish and self-pitying. I need to stop concerning myself with their stuff and just concern myself with my stuff.

 

With regards to saying I can't understand why she would take him back. I guess I do really, I can see her reasons for her actions. I can see why it seems a very rational choice to her. I can understand how bonded she is to him. But I guess I just meant in terms of everything I know that happened between them since dday it makes me surprised, and the fact it's not his first affair, and I am not so sure he is working on it. I thought today that the holiday is actually just another selfish move by him (someone even mention in passing to me today it is just him and his kids and not his wife - but I am ignoring all that as I need to just ignore all this hearsay and as someone said I need to focus on what I do know for sure - that he is staying and that is that). But I am not in her shoes and I shouldn't "judge" her choices and all that is very true and I don't really mean to do that.

[Pili-Pala]

 

As for feeling like he just gets off scot free, I don't think so. If he's really committed to changing himself and improving his marriage, then he is in for a long, long slog of it. He has to go from 100% focused on himself to 100% focused on his wife and family. For a cake-eater, that's a tall order. Or, he's not really committed to changing, and he's just throwing his wife some bones so she doesn't leave. He doesn't want to be divorced, but he sure doesn't want to sacrifice any of his own comfort to be happily married either. So things will stay the same. He'll eventually cheat again. The dysfunction will continue.

 

 

 

You know this is actually one of the things I struggle with the most as an emotional rollercoaster. Part of me desperately wants him to work on his marriage, I desperately want this time to be different for him/them and this to be a wake up call that they need to deal with their issues and not sweep them under the carpet again. I am 100% sure if not he will do it again and regardless cause even more hurt and pain down the line. So when I feel like they are working it out then I am happy for them and I feel a bit of comfort in that - and then ten minutes later it's like I am relaxing in the calm of that thought and someone comes along and slaps me across the face and I feel ... I don't know... Jealous? Rejected? Hopeless? Then another ten minutes later I think he is not working on it and I get angry. I get mad at him for making a choice but not actually committing to it. I get angry he lied to his wife about the facts of us if it's not for the sake of fixing things - as I feel then she isn't allowed to make a choice based on true facts, I feel bad for her and desperately guilty and like I want to ring her up and tell her what I think. Then I get a bit of hope that maybe he will leave after all and we will be together. And then I feel some light and warmth and like it's not all been a waste and selfishly think only of me and how good it will be. Then I wake up at 4am terrified he might actually leave and I will be in a relationship I don't want to be in and terrible awful guilt and remorse.

 

Stop.

 

I just need to stop.

 

His stuff.

 

My stuff.

 

Stop focusing in what is happening with them and what I don't really know; and focus on me and what I know. I think this advice given to me here on this forum is my new mantra. I might even write it up somewhere.

[Babsinhealing]

You know this is actually one of the things I struggle with the most as an emotional rollercoaster. Part of me desperately wants him to work on his marriage, I desperately want this time to be different for him/them and this to be a wake up call that they need to deal with their issues and not sweep them under the carpet again. I am 100% sure if not he will do it again and regardless cause even more hurt and pain down the line. So when I feel like they are working it out then I am happy for them and I feel a bit of comfort in that - and then ten minutes later it's like I am relaxing in the calm of that thought and someone comes along and slaps me across the face and I feel ... I don't know... Jealous? Rejected? Hopeless? Then another ten minutes later I think he is not working on it and I get angry. I get mad at him for making a choice but not actually committing to it. I get angry he lied to his wife about the facts of us if it's not for the sake of fixing things - as I feel then she isn't allowed to make a choice based on true facts, I feel bad for her and desperately guilty and like I want to ring her up and tell her what I think. Then I get a bit of hope that maybe he will leave after all and we will be together. And then I feel some light and warmth and like it's not all been a waste and selfishly think only of me and how good it will be. Then I wake up at 4am terrified he might actually leave and I will be in a relationship I don't want to be in and terrible awful guilt and remorse.

 

Stop.

 

I just need to stop.

 

His stuff.

 

My stuff.

 

Stop focusing in what is happening with them and what I don't really know; and focus on me and what I know. I think this advice given to me here on this forum is my new mantra. I might even write it up somewhere.

Oh my god these are my thoughts exactly! I just posted this on my own thread! EXACTLY!

[solonely9]

Wow! My thoughts exactly as well. I couldn't have described it better. Glad to know I'm not alone in this and that I'm normal.

[ladydesigner]

Pilli,

 

When you say it is not fair that your exMM gets to go on holiday and play happy family...it actually is fair. What your exMM is doing is working on his marriage, he is allowed to do that after a crises, it's what married people do.

 

Plus, you say you don't understand how his wife can take him back after he's cheated on her, you are not his wife and even you are finding it hard to get over him yet you only had an affair with him for 2 years. His wife has been married to him for much longer and has children for him. This might hurt but no matter what you might feel, her bond with him is much much more stronger than yours.

 

When a woman goes into an affair with a married man, if the outcome is (and it usually is) that he ends up staying with his wife then there's nothing unfair about that. She is his wife. No ow should ever expect that she will end up with her MM. Even if her MM says he loves her and says how miserable he is being married, the ow should never have hope that she will end up with her MM. If it happens...okay...if not that's okay too.

 

Please always remember that the man you had an affair with has a wife, she has more rights to him than you, him working on his marriage is the right thing for him to do, him loving his wife is his duty...that's what marriage is all about.

 

In the near future i hope to read a post about you finding love with a single man.

 

Nice post! I totally agree!

[Cymbeline]

Apart from focusing on taking care of yourselves, I think it is worth saying that your worrying about the MM is especially wasteful of your own energy because despite what you absolutely do not know the dynamic of the marital relationship and what is going on. And you have no control either.

 

Here is a strong likelihood contact will resume and raise you hopes but generally the MM is in pain and feel only disapprobation from everyone close to him except you. Therefore he turns to you.

Sad to say my WH did this on and off for 6 months although he had promised to tell me if he 'went back'. I asked why and he replied that he thought I would leave if he told me he was in contact. And he didn't want that. He couldn't give up contact yet on the three occasions I offered to drive him to her, he didn't want to go. I knew he wouldn't leave, and emails I have seen say that the affair must nit restart - yet the yearning words suggested otherwise to the hopeful AP.

 

Hese men are a mess just now. They will yank your chain. And perhaps take you and your career down with them. Look after your own interests because he isn't looking after you, even if he sounds as if he is.

[bathrobe]

Actually that's not what happened at all. She was willing to take him back and try to make it work from the day after d-day. I know this for reason other than just what he told me (which I don't want to go into).

 

However - your advice still stand. I just need to accept his choice and move on. And find a man with balls!

 

I know, he didn't move in with you because his wife was willing to take him back. He never wanted to be with you, you were just a plan B in case his wife kicked him out.

[heartwhole]

You know this is actually one of the things I struggle with the most as an emotional rollercoaster. Part of me desperately wants him to work on his marriage, I desperately want this time to be different for him/them and this to be a wake up call that they need to deal with their issues and not sweep them under the carpet again. I am 100% sure if not he will do it again and regardless cause even more hurt and pain down the line. So when I feel like they are working it out then I am happy for them and I feel a bit of comfort in that - and then ten minutes later it's like I am relaxing in the calm of that thought and someone comes along and slaps me across the face and I feel ... I don't know... Jealous? Rejected? Hopeless? Then another ten minutes later I think he is not working on it and I get angry. I get mad at him for making a choice but not actually committing to it. I get angry he lied to his wife about the facts of us if it's not for the sake of fixing things - as I feel then she isn't allowed to make a choice based on true facts, I feel bad for her and desperately guilty and like I want to ring her up and tell her what I think. Then I get a bit of hope that maybe he will leave after all and we will be together. And then I feel some light and warmth and like it's not all been a waste and selfishly think only of me and how good it will be. Then I wake up at 4am terrified he might actually leave and I will be in a relationship I don't want to be in and terrible awful guilt and remorse.

 

Stop.

 

I just need to stop.

 

His stuff.

 

My stuff.

 

Stop focusing in what is happening with them and what I don't really know; and focus on me and what I know. I think this advice given to me here on this forum is my new mantra. I might even write it up somewhere.

 

I can only imagine how confusing and overwhelming it all is. I hope each day is a little better for you until you wake up one day and realize you've moved on.

 

I also think it's normal to wonder why the BW is staying. I spent a lot of energy wondering why in the world OW would settle for being someone's side dish, why she would want a liar and a cheater. I had him for 17 years before I knew he was a liar and a cheater; she knew from day one. But ultimately I came to realize how she was following the same old script for these situations as I was, just in a different role. And by focusing my feelings of angst on the one person I didn't know in this scenario, I was distracting myself from the real work, which is remembering who I am and making the best choices I can going forward. I also need to direct my anger squarely at my WH.

 

Maybe I'm biased, but I think the one person whose actions seem selfless and honorable in this scenario is the BW's. She's sticking it out for better or for worse. She might change her mind later, but for now, she's giving it a try. Her children's lives will be irrevocably changed if she doesn't, so why wouldn't she? Especially when her husband has made a choice and given you up and is now Mr. Family Vacation man. She has a lot of reason to hope. It may be false hope, in which case, I hope she does kick him out. But neither of them can know that yet.

[Pili-Pala]

I can only imagine how confusing and overwhelming it all is. I hope each day is a little better for you until you wake up one day and realize you've moved on.

 

I also think it's normal to wonder why the BW is staying. I spent a lot of energy wondering why in the world OW would settle for being someone's side dish, why she would want a liar and a cheater. I had him for 17 years before I knew he was a liar and a cheater; she knew from day one. But ultimately I came to realize how she was following the same old script for these situations as I was, just in a different role. And by focusing my feelings of angst on the one person I didn't know in this scenario, I was distracting myself from the real work, which is remembering who I am and making the best choices I can going forward. I also need to direct my anger squarely at my WH.

 

Maybe I'm biased, but I think the one person whose actions seem selfless and honorable in this scenario is the BW's. She's sticking it out for better or for worse. She might change her mind later, but for now, she's giving it a try. Her children's lives will be irrevocably changed if she doesn't, so why wouldn't she? Especially when her husband has made a choice and given you up and is now Mr. Family Vacation man. She has a lot of reason to hope. It may be false hope, in which case, I hope she does kick him out. But neither of them can know that yet.

 

Thank you - in some ways every day is a bit better but I am also weary of a set back to come...

 

With regards to your comment on the BS being the one person whose actions are selfless and honourable - yes I think you are probably right. I am confused and I wonder why she has made her choices but I don't and have never ever felt anything negative about her. I have only ever felt guilty and negative and remorseful for the part I played in her pain. I think towards the end, my forcing a decision and walking away was also in part for her - it was for me mainly I admit that but I do think of her. Even if it was all a bit too late.