Overwhelmed - MM has ended our affair

[Pili-Pala]

I understand how you feel. Just today, I wrote like 20 "I hate you's" in my journal, addressed to XMM. It helped me calm down and prevented me from breaking NC. I'm constantly going through all kinds of emotions and I don't want to act on them, especially on hate. That's why I write in my journal and read here.

 

Hope you feel better tomorrow.

 

Thank Soloney. It's so exhausting isn't it I had a restless sleep last night, I think maybe in part it was as I was anxious about seeing him at work today. I don't want either of us to leave our jobs but I do admit it is no doubt making it all a lot harder and slower having to see him every weekday. I do think I will get there, eventually. He is away on holiday soon so at least that's something. Even if his holiday still makes me achingly sad. I still feel a lot of hate this morning but the fire seems to have dampened a little at least. I have never kept a journal, perhaps I should try that.

 

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about the FB stalking. I think we all need to do it to realise how bad it makes us feel. To know nothing is achieved by it except to get further proof of "happy families" even if behind closed doors it's a different story. For the majority of our A, xMM and I weren't FB friends to not draw attention to ourselves in any way at work etc. when I did eventually become FB friends with him it was like a stab in the heart. His w is a prolific FB poster and tagged him in everything. I saw their whole life unfold in front of me over the year we had been together. When xMM and I first got together, I saw a week later they were out for a fancy dinner celebrating their 5 year anniversary. Then there was the the time they went away for the weekend with all happy family snaps and I realised that was the weekend he was in contact with me non stop saying he was thinking about me and missing me. I felt like a hypocrite. He was also a hypocrite!! Then it was his birthday when she posted how she has a wonderful husband, how he is a great father and how she loves him so much. And I know at the same time behind closed doors she was confronting him about her suspicions that he was having an affair. They don't call it "fake book" for nothing!

 

I have blocked both of them so I am not tempted to peek. It's not my business what they are up to anymore. It was the best thing I did because otherwise it's a form of torture seeing what they are up to and letting the imagination run wild!

 

 

Thank ps GC. Perhaps you are right, no good being too hard on myself, maybe I needed to do it to understand that I really need to *not* do it as it makes me feel awful. I am not fb friends with him, never have been. Mostly not to draw attention to ourselves at work as you say, but also as I think I knew I couldn't have handled it. I suppose I am fortunate that both his page and his w's page are pretty much private - she once changed her cover photo to one of them playing happy families and that was enough to upset me; though weirdly I was more upset for her then me at the time. However, their extended families pages aren't private at all so if they do anything with them I see the photos or read the comments. Actually, writing this down it seems like I am doing pretty creepy stalking and a lot of effort! What a mess! :/ Need to stop.

 

Ok, well, time for work. Better go face him them. Just 4 days to get through before his holiday I feel this is going to be a tough 4 days. But I will be 30 days no contact by the end of it so that's something to aim for...

[Grey Cloud]

Thank Soloney. It's so exhausting isn't it I had a restless sleep last night, I think maybe in part it was as I was anxious about seeing him at work today. I don't want either of us to leave our jobs but I do admit it is no doubt making it all a lot harder and slower having to see him every weekday. I do think I will get there, eventually. He is away on holiday soon so at least that's something. Even if his holiday still makes me achingly sad. I still feel a lot of hate this morning but the fire seems to have dampened a little at least. I have never kept a journal, perhaps I should try that.

 

 

 

 

Thank ps GC. Perhaps you are right, no good being too hard on myself, maybe I needed to do it to understand that I really need to *not* do it as it makes me feel awful. I am not fb friends with him, never have been. Mostly not to draw attention to ourselves at work as you say, but also as I think I knew I couldn't have handled it. I suppose I am fortunate that both his page and his w's page are pretty much private - she once changed her cover photo to one of them playing happy families and that was enough to upset me; though weirdly I was more upset for her then me at the time. However, their extended families pages aren't private at all so if they do anything with them I see the photos or read the comments. Actually, writing this down it seems like I am doing pretty creepy stalking and a lot of effort! What a mess! :/ Need to stop.

 

Ok, well, time for work. Better go face him them. Just 4 days to get through before his holiday I feel this is going to be a tough 4 days. But I will be 30 days no contact by the end of it so that's something to aim for...

 

Don't ever become FB friends with him. Like you, my xMM were never friends but we decided to become "friends" once he found another job. I thought I could handle it. Remaining connected but not in contact so to speak. What a mistake! When I accepted his friend request and his private fb page suddenly became accessible to me I spent a long while pouring through photos, posts and comments. I felt sick. Working out dates and what he and I were doing amongst all his 'happy' family life. And of course he had every right to that happy family life but I wish I had forever remained separate from it all. I went to bed that night and couldn't sleep. The next day I knew what I needed to do. I emailed him saying I had de-friended him. That it was nothing personal but I was going complete no contact and this would be my last email to him. And to please don't respond. That was 26 days ago....

 

When we were in the A I could see once that he had updated his cover page to one of him, his w and 2 kids. Oddly enough the same as you I felt more guilt for his wife in that moment. I tried to break it off with him then (4 months in). Of course that didn't last very long.

 

I think you are very strong having to see him at work. I don't know how strong I would be if I still had to see my xMM at work. Does he try and be flirty with you or is he strictly acting professional as well? How long is he going away for? Hopefully it's for a while to give you some space to heal further. I am sure you used to dread him going away before (as I did). Now it's the best thing ever!

[Pili-Pala]

I think you are very strong having to see him at work. I don't know how strong I would be if I still had to see my xMM at work. Does he try and be flirty with you or is he strictly acting professional as well? How long is he going away for? Hopefully it's for a while to give you some space to heal further. I am sure you used to dread him going away before (as I did). Now it's the best thing ever!

 

I am a fairly strong person and quite rational but it is hard - so I can see how this would be impossible for others. He acts strictly professional the majority of the time. He is also very understanding if I just want to email him rather than speak, or if I want someone else to be present in meetings between us etc., without me ever having to explain. If I ask him to do anything (in a work sense I mean, which at the moment is rare) he will drop everything to do that thing which I guess is his way of showing, well, something, I don't know what exactly. Every now and again if I let the slightest more personal /banter-like comment into an email (like saying a colleague was really good at something) then he will responded with more chatty casual email (like saying that I am really good at that thing and the best he knows at it etc.) and I have to shut those conversations down quickly. Mostly by not replying and then replying a little later to a different work email or on a different work matter so that my silence doesn't become something in itself.

 

He is going away for two weeks. I definitely used to hate him going away. I used to hate him being out the office for even just a day. I still do if I am honest. It's annoying even on a professional level as makes my job harder whilst he is gone, but mostly I just miss him being there. Though I know it's best thing for me right now. So I should be relieved.

 

I did feel the worst thing would be if he left work. I didn't want either of us to give up our jobs. I didn't want to work for anyone else. His two likely replacements fill me with dread. But I found out the other day (not from him) that he has made enquiries to move abroad. Just enquiries (and he did that last time we broke up too) but I am starting slowly to see him leaving will be the best thing for me and dread it a little less everyday. I can't see how he can keep working there really. He obviously has to go home on time every night and can't be involved in any client or team entertainment. There is only so long his boss will put up with that - so something is going to have to give. I think he will only be able to fix things at home with a fresh start - I don't know how she copes knowing he sees me everyday. But it's not about them, it will be better for me, I see that.

 

 

Your Fb situation sounds a nightmare, and totally something I would do! I could never be Fb friends with him for that very reason! I will heed your advice!!!

[solonely9]

Thank Soloney. It's so exhausting isn't it I had a restless sleep last night, I think maybe in part it was as I was anxious about seeing him at work today. I don't want either of us to leave our jobs but I do admit it is no doubt making it all a lot harder and slower having to see him every weekday. I do think I will get there, eventually. He is away on holiday soon so at least that's something. Even if his holiday still makes me achingly sad. I still feel a lot of hate this morning but the fire seems to have dampened a little at least. I have never kept a journal, perhaps I should try that.

 

 

I am not a journal person either. I have never kept a diary or something like that. I am doing it, because my therapist told me to try it. It is actually an app on my phone that I am able to lock.

I have been writing for a month now, every day. Sometimes, I write nicely, arrange my paragraphs and everything, but, other times, like today, I just write "I hate you's" until the feeling subsides. I find it helpful, because, otherwise, I will probably call him, say whatever it is on my mind, and, then, I will regret it. I do think though that he deserves to hear how I feel and to bear with me. I wouldn't be able to live with it, however - with the confrontation and, mainly, with how pathetic I will look.

I find the journal helpful for one more reason as well. As I said, I have been writing for a month now, so, often, I go back to what I have written and read it again. There is something very encouraging in seeing how one is getting stronger, even at a slow pace and even with many downs and lows, like today.

[Grey Cloud]

I am a fairly strong person and quite rational but it is hard - so I can see how this would be impossible for others. He acts strictly professional the majority of the time. He is also very understanding if I just want to email him rather than speak, or if I want someone else to be present in meetings between us etc., without me ever having to explain. If I ask him to do anything (in a work sense I mean, which at the moment is rare) he will drop everything to do that thing which I guess is his way of showing, well, something, I don't know what exactly. Every now and again if I let the slightest more personal /banter-like comment into an email (like saying a colleague was really good at something) then he will responded with more chatty casual email (like saying that I am really good at that thing and the best he knows at it etc.) and I have to shut those conversations down quickly. Mostly by not replying and then replying a little later to a different work email or on a different work matter so that my silence doesn't become something in itself.

 

He is going away for two weeks. I definitely used to hate him going away. I used to hate him being out the office for even just a day. I still do if I am honest. It's annoying even on a professional level as makes my job harder whilst he is gone, but mostly I just miss him being there. Though I know it's best thing for me right now. So I should be relieved.

 

I did feel the worst thing would be if he left work. I didn't want either of us to give up our jobs. I didn't want to work for anyone else. His two likely replacements fill me with dread. But I found out the other day (not from him) that he has made enquiries to move abroad. Just enquiries (and he did that last time we broke up too) but I am starting slowly to see him leaving will be the best thing for me and dread it a little less everyday. I can't see how he can keep working there really. He obviously has to go home on time every night and can't be involved in any client or team entertainment. There is only so long his boss will put up with that - so something is going to have to give. I think he will only be able to fix things at home with a fresh start - I don't know how she copes knowing he sees me everyday. But it's not about them, it will be better for me, I see that.

 

 

Your Fb situation sounds a nightmare, and totally something I would do! I could never be Fb friends with him for that very reason! I will heed your advice!!!

 

I am sure his wife would be putting pressure on him to make a change or be supportive of moving abroad. I am pretty sure my xMM wife was pushing him to find another job before he did. There was no d-day but his wife was suspicious. When he found another job he made a comment about how his wife was over the moon.

 

It must be hard not responding to email banter. It would be very easy to fall back into it. I also used to dread my xMM being away from he office for a day! I used to coincide any days off or leave with his (and vice versa). Co-dependent much?! But I would use this 2 weeks to further get used to how work would be without him there. Because there is a certain level of comfort knowing you can still see him. When you know it's a permanent change it will be harder to deal with unless you can take baby steps now.

[Pili-Pala]

I am not a journal person either. I have never kept a diary or something like that. I am doing it, because my therapist told me to try it. It is actually an app on my phone that I am able to lock.

...

I find the journal helpful for one more reason as well. As I said, I have been writing for a month now, so, often, I go back to what I have written and read it again. There is something very encouraging in seeing how one is getting stronger, even at a slow pace and even with many downs and lows, like today.

 

I like the idea of an app on my phone. I also like the idea of reading back over it, I think that would be helpful.

 

But I would use this 2 weeks to further get used to how work would be without him there. Because there is a certain level of comfort knowing you can still see him. When you know it's a permanent change it will be harder to deal with unless you can take baby steps now.

 

This is good advice GC. I have not really been looking at it this way and I think it's a healthy way to turn it into a big positive. Like a trail run if you like

[Pili-Pala]

I still feel so much anger and hate today. I am sure it's just a stage of grief that I thought maybe I was passed but I guess I am jumping around them. I find this stage so horrible though. I have never dealt well with the emotions of anger and hate. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and out of control.

 

I actually think conversely to my expectations it's the hardest stage to stay no contact. But perhaps one of the most crucial times to do it. I thought if I felt hate and anger I wouldn't want contact, I would want him out of my life for good and be pleased it is the way it is. But actually it just drives the desire to want to contact him and tell him how annoyed and angry I am and how much I feel he is just a liar and a cheat and not the man I thought he was, not the man I thought I was in love with etc etc. But I know no good will come of that...

 

...and it's not true really. He has so many good qualities and I truly did love him, all of him, flaws and all, and it wasn't that black and white, and we had such good memories and I don't want to look back on it with hate towards him and look back towards myself with self-loathing. I want to look back with fond memories... but coupled with complete certainly this is the right way for it to go, and a lesson learned and a growth opportunity for me, and with no desire to go back to how things were, no desire to go back to him, to have him back in my life in any personal way. To look back and think, OK, perhaps it was wrong and immoral and caused a lot of pain to many parties and all that - but hey, you know what it was good while it lasted, but it's in the past now and that's where it needs to stay, and I never want, never will allow myself, to be in that situation with him or any other man in the future.

 

I want to let go of this hate and anger as quickly as possible and right now I can't see the way to get there.....

[JessicaInGeorgia]

I still feel so much anger and hate today. I am sure it's just a stage of grief that I thought maybe I was passed but I guess I am jumping around them. I find this stage so horrible though. I have never dealt well with the emotions of anger and hate. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and out of control.

 

I actually think conversely to my expectations it's the hardest stage to stay no contact. But perhaps one of the most crucial times to do it. I thought if I felt hate and anger I wouldn't want contact, I would want him out of my life for good and be pleased it is the way it is. But actually it just drives the desire to want to contact him and tell him how annoyed and angry I am and how much I feel he is just a liar and a cheat and not the man I thought he was, not the man I thought I was in love with etc etc. But I know no good will come of that...

 

...and it's not true really. He has so many good qualities and I truly did love him, all of him, flaws and all, and it wasn't that black and white, and we had such good memories and I don't want to look back on it with hate towards him and look back towards myself with self-loathing. I want to look back with fond memories... but coupled with complete certainly this is the right way for it to go, and a lesson learned and a growth opportunity for me, and with no desire to go back to how things were, no desire to go back to him, to have him back in my life in any personal way. To look back and think, OK, perhaps it was wrong and immoral and caused a lot of pain to many parties and all that - but hey, you know what it was good while it lasted, but it's in the past now and that's where it needs to stay, and I never want, never will allow myself, to be in that situation with him or any other man in the future.

 

I want to let go of this hate and anger as quickly as possible and right now I can't see the way to get there.....

 

It just takes time. I think I'm probably in the same stage. The extreme sadness ended during our previous NC periods. Now I'm just angry. Angry that I let that all happen, angry that I allowed him back into my life, angry that he has this much power over me.

 

I agree that it is one of the more difficult periods and emotions to navigate stick to NC because all you want to do is yell at him for hurting you. I want to send him a message with a big "F*** YOU!" just so he knows how angry I am. But you know what? Indifference is better for you than anger. He doesn't deserve knowing that you are hurting or mad. Make him think you're perfectly fine and moving on with your life. You may be falling apart but letting him know that gives him the power. Take that power back by taking the time to heal your wounds and becoming a better person without him in your life.

[sandylee1]

 

This made me feel awful for several reasons. I guess I feel angry that yet again he gets to carry on like nothing ever happen, slip back into life as usual, but also sad and frustrated that it's just more sham happy families being played on an extended family scale. They are both too proud to tell their families they are having problems, so it will all be a big front. I sort of wish she would tell her family as I think the pretence must be draining and I feel sad that she really has very little support - argh stop!!!

 

!

 

What makes you think he gets to carry on like nothing is wrong? Just because of a FB picture. Do you really think he's living life exactly as he did before dday? If you do that's very naive of you.

 

It's more than likely he's under intense monitoring... He's subject to his wife's rages and triggers.... subject to questions about the A time after time ... like what he did with you sexually ..... places he took you .... it's no ride in the park.

 

Just like you only ever heard his side of the marriage during the affair .... you've no idea what's happening now from the outside.

 

In relation to his wife ... how do you know who she has or hasn't told? Do you think it would be written all over FB if she'd told them?

 

Some betrayed spouses think very carefully before exposing to their family ... especially when they want reconciliation... because as much as the BS may forgive ... your family won't necessarily do the same... and I've known cases where the WS is no longer welcome in the parents or other family members home after an affair.

 

 

Some BS make a post nuptial agreement a condition of reconciliation... he could be subject to taking a polygraph regarding this and any other affairs. These things are very common on discovery and any WS who has had to do a poly will tell you how humiliating it is .. to have a total stranger ask questions about you cheating on your spouse.

 

 

She could be seeking support via I.C . She may still be undecided about whether she'll stay in the marriage. Many stay immediately after dday and get their ducks in a row before filing for D..... you just don't know what's going on in their marriage or how either are feeling right now.

 

Don't for one second think it's all picnics and rainbows in their house. She'll be faking it till she makes it.

[heartwhole]

I don't think of myself as a catty woman. I'm a very private and reserved person (an INTJ). But did I want OW to see our "happy" life after DD? That we bought a vacation home together one month later? That he gave me a 2+ carat diamond on our 10th anniversary when he was supposedly falling in love with her? That we took special vacations together? That he did romantic things like taking me to spot where we met on the anniversary of that day? Yes, yes I did.

 

Not that those things meant anything. Those things are easy. They're not the hard work of changing one's character. But having had my husband give so much and put so much into a secret relationship with another woman, I did feel that I needed him to likewise give and put so much into our marriage. And I wanted her to know it, petty as that may be.

 

I'm no shining example of how to let go and move on gracefully, but I do think that should be the goal for all of us. All we can do is hope that each person in the unfortunate love triangle will move on to a place of self-awareness and wholeness and happiness. Sure, I'll take the diamonds and swag and wining and dining, but at the end of the day, what really matters is who you are, your character. And that's something that a FB photo can't capture. If MM's character is going to change, it's going to be a long, hard road. And even if it's not, he is in for a lot of stress. Even the most energetic of rug-sweepers can't avoid the hurt and anger.

[Pili-Pala]

What makes you think he gets to carry on like nothing is wrong? Just because of a FB picture. Do you really think he's living life exactly as he did before dday? If you do that's very naive of you.

 

It's more than likely he's under intense monitoring... He's subject to his wife's rages and triggers.... subject to questions about the A time after time ... like what he did with you sexually ..... places he took you .... it's no ride in the park.

 

Just like you only ever heard his side of the marriage during the affair .... you've no idea what's happening now from the outside.

 

In relation to his wife ... how do you know who she has or hasn't told? Do you think it would be written all over FB if she'd told them?

 

Some betrayed spouses think very carefully before exposing to their family ... especially when they want reconciliation... because as much as the BS may forgive ... your family won't necessarily do the same... and I've known cases where the WS is no longer welcome in the parents or other family members home after an affair.

 

 

Some BS make a post nuptial agreement a condition of reconciliation... he could be subject to taking a polygraph regarding this and any other affairs. These things are very common on discovery and any WS who has had to do a poly will tell you how humiliating it is .. to have a total stranger ask questions about you cheating on your spouse.

 

 

She could be seeking support via I.C . She may still be undecided about whether she'll stay in the marriage. Many stay immediately after dday and get their ducks in a row before filing for D..... you just don't know what's going on in their marriage or how either are feeling right now.

 

Don't for one second think it's all picnics and rainbows in their house. She'll be faking it till she makes it.

 

I am struggling to write a reply to your post Sandylee though I feel like I want to say something as it's definitely caused a thought provoking reaction in me. I think the reason I am struggling to reply is because on the one hand I can see that your post is reminding me (yet again, as to be fair I seem to constantly need this reminder) that I don't know for sure what is happening in their M, and also, although you didn't say this explicitly yourself, that it's doing me no good at all to speculate on it. And I don't want to deny the usefulness of that, and I want to acknowledge that point of view and not in any way dismiss it....but...

 

... But ....all I keep thinking about your post is - I understand all that, I get all that, I am not denying that I don't know for absolute certainly what is happening without being there with them - but the question it raises in me in response is this: is there not the possibility that I am able to make a pretty fair guess?

 

In fact, in my situation, I think I am probably the one other person in the world (aside from them) who you should come to for opinion if you had to bet your life on it. Is that an outrageous thing for me to propose? Considering my (quite extensive) knowledge and experience of him and their relationship and past experience (not all gained simply from what he told me I hastened to add) really mean I have absolutely zero zilch zippo ability to make an "educated guess"? Perhaps. Maybe. Don't know. It's just an interesting question that I have now preoccupied myself with....

 

I don't think it is exactly as before dday, of course not, but also, I don't think it's a million miles off and I don't think that is as naive a statement as it sounds, as it's based on quite extensive experience and knowledge. I mean they were not in a great place before dday and they (with the disclaimer that granted this comment is said in the absence of the absolute certainty that can only be gained by being one of them) they seem to be a prime example, to use heartwhole's words, of "the most energetic of rug sweepers"....

 

... However, that said, you are right, my opinion is that there is likely a lot of hurt there and yes, it is unlikely back to business as usual in that relationship, and I think my comment on her not telling her family was stupid and not thought out and perhaps naive. But when you are angry and hurt and struggling with hate, I guess it's easy to look at a picture on Facebook (although I feel compelled at this juncture to stress that it was more so that the photo provided the knowledge that they have taken a trip to stay with his inlaws and the significance of that event as opposed to being just a photo per se) and to think how dare you be ok, how is it fair you get to slip back into your life like nothing happened etc.... When really, if you took the emotion of the moment out of it, and considered it on a more thoughtful rational level, that is most likely not the case in reality at all... and reality is probably that the photo, the event, masked a lot of hurt and anger etc....

 

 

I don't know if I am making any sense, but regardless, at the end of the day it's just a really really sad situation all round. For everyone involved. What is the point in me getting angry? What is the point of hating him? What is the point of hating myself? Choices were made, lives were lived. There was my life two years ago and there is my life now. All that stuff inbetween happened and can't be undone - none of it was carried out with malicious intentions from any party, neither of us planned for all this grief; it was just a lot of "bad" choices and only a mistake in hindsight. Now I need to take those two years as a big learning and look forward as best I can to my future. Keeping working. Keep moving.

[The Aftermath]

I am struggling to write a reply to your post Sandylee though I feel like I want to say something as it's definitely caused a thought provoking reaction in me. I think the reason I am struggling to reply is because on the one hand I can see that your post is reminding me (yet again, as to be fair I seem to constantly need this reminder) that I don't know for sure what is happening in their M, and also, although you didn't say this explicitly yourself, that it's doing me no good at all to speculate on it. And I don't want to deny the usefulness of that, and I want to acknowledge that point of view and not in any way dismiss it....but...

 

... But ....all I keep thinking about your post is - I understand all that, I get all that, I am not denying that I don't know for absolute certainly what is happening without being there with them - but the question it raises in me in response is this: is there not the possibility that I am able to make a pretty fair guess?

 

In fact, in my situation, I think I am probably the one other person in the world (aside from them) who you should come to for opinion if you had to bet your life on it. Is that an outrageous thing for me to propose? Considering my (quite extensive) knowledge and experience of him and their relationship and past experience (not all gained simply from what he told me I hastened to add) really mean I have absolutely zero zilch zippo ability to make an "educated guess"? Perhaps. Maybe. Don't know. It's just an interesting question that I have now preoccupied myself with....

 

I don't think it is exactly as before dday, of course not, but also, I don't think it's a million miles off and I don't think that is as naive a statement as it sounds, as it's based on quite extensive experience and knowledge. I mean they were not in a great place before dday and they (with the disclaimer that granted this comment is said in the absence of the absolute certainty that can only be gained by being one of them) they seem to be a prime example, to use heartwhole's words, of "the most energetic of rug sweepers"....

 

... However, that said, you are right, my opinion is that there is likely a lot of hurt there and yes, it is unlikely back to business as usual in that relationship, and I think my comment on her not telling her family was stupid and not thought out and perhaps naive. But when you are angry and hurt and struggling with hate, I guess it's easy to look at a picture on Facebook (although I feel compelled at this juncture to stress that it was more so that the photo provided the knowledge that they have taken a trip to stay with his inlaws and the significance of that event as opposed to being just a photo per se) and to think how dare you be ok, how is it fair you get to slip back into your life like nothing happened etc.... When really, if you took the emotion of the moment out of it, and considered it on a more thoughtful rational level, that is most likely not the case in reality at all... and reality is probably that the photo, the event, masked a lot of hurt and anger etc....

 

 

I don't know if I am making any sense, but regardless, at the end of the day it's just a really really sad situation all round. For everyone involved. What is the point in me getting angry? What is the point of hating him? What is the point of hating myself? Choices were made, lives were lived. There was my life two years ago and there is my life now. All that stuff inbetween happened and can't be undone - none of it was carried out with malicious intentions from any party, neither of us planned for all this grief; it was just a lot of "bad" choices and only a mistake in hindsight. Now I need to take those two years as a big learning and look forward as best I can to my future. Keeping working. Keep moving.

 

Its been a rough few weeks for me and I avoided posting, but I had to respond to yours...Ive felt EXACTLY the same as you do right now...asked How dare they get to be okay? How dare HE get away with it all? But because he broke No contact and told me he was pretty much under 24/7 surveillance I started to feel sorry for him. He called me once via Hangouts and all of a sudden it was a 3 way call (his W was on the line). He figured out later she stayed logged on to his Google Hangouts (he told me they "hadnt agreed to that") so now if he calls shed be on the call. Didnt even know you could do that on Hangouts

 

I, too, used to check his wifes Facebook...she put their wedding photo back up a few weeks ago and I damn near brokedown upon seeing it. I learned my lesson that day and stopped checking her FB. i also know now that while it kills me to think he got away with it I am probably incorrect to assume that

Edited March 31, 2016 by The Aftermath

[heartwhole]

Of course if you know a person well, you can guess how they will react in certain situations. I think it's certainly a BW's tendency to minimize how well the OW knew the MM or how real or deep their relationship was, but that doesn't change your reality, for sure. If that's an important point for you to validate the experience you've had, I think you can feel confident in that. If that helps?

 

I'm big on statistics, so I've tried to suss out how these things usually break down. The vast majority of couples do not properly address either the wounds of the infidelity or the causes of it. There's a lot of floundering about. And of course I would imagine that you have mixed feelings on that. You are not a heartless person so you figure that if your relationship didn't work out, then you would hope that their marriage would recover. But then you think, what, was I just an instrument in MAKING their marriage better?

 

I'm on the other side, but I feel like it's not fair either. My husband gets to have all the fun of a new relationship and sex with someone new and everything, and then he just gets to cast her aside and have a "second honeymoon" with me and figure out he really can be happy with me? Yay for him? Of course, every time he tries to avoid or blameshift or compartmentalize, I just send him back to the drawing board until he can do better. But it's exhausting and I can see why in most couples, one or both of them would opt for rugsweeping instead. So much easier in the short term.

 

No one can take the reality of your relationship away from you. I shared my petty Facebook bragging just to humanize the scrambling to make a show of things being OK. Of course they're not OK.

 

As for whether or not the BW has any support, I'm just guessing here, but I don't know that I would trust a compartmentalizing, rug-sweeping man to have spent any time actually guessing how his wife would react after a DD. I bet he avoided thinking about that and whatever he did tell you on the subject was probably influenced by an end goal of feeding the A at the time. So whether or not she reached out to any friends or family is anyone's guess. My MIL came to visit for a week shortly after DD, and our MC told us we could tell her that we were fighting over some business deals we were doing, if it came up. My MIL is not an emotionally healthy person herself so there was no reason to tell her (though she is oddly prescient and she gave a lecture the night she arrived about how we could never get divorced, though she herself is twice divorced). But I immediately told my sister and several friends because I believe I am an emotionally healthy person and I knew I would need emotional support and outside perspectives.

 

I don't know if anything I have said is helpful. I hope so! Reading the posts in this forum have really helped me to see the OW in color rather than black and white, and believe it or not that has been very important for my healing. It would be easier to just write her off as the villain but that's not fair, and I need to see things clearly to give them a proper burial.

[jenkins95]

Its been a rough few weeks for me and I avoided posting, but I had to respond to yours...Ive felt EXACTLY the same as you do right now...asked How dare they get to be okay? How dare HE get away with it all? But because he broke No contact and told me he was pretty much under 24/7 surveillance I started to feel sorry for him. He called me once via Hangouts and all of a sudden it was a 3 way call (his W was on the line). He figured out later she stayed logged on to his Google Hangouts (he told me they "hadnt agreed to that") so now if he calls shed be on the call. Didnt even know you could do that on Hangouts

 

I, too, used to check his wifes Facebook...she put their wedding photo back up a few weeks ago and I damn near brokedown upon seeing it. I learned my lesson that day and stopped checking her FB. i also know now that while it kills me to think he got away with it I am probably incorrect to assume that

 

Yes, Aftermath, and her putting those wedding photos on FB are a clear sign of desperately wanting to send you (and anyone else who doubts them) a clear message that they are "very happily married".

 

Seriously their marriage sounds like it must be pure hell for them at the moment. I hope that with time they will recover - but it will take a LOT of time, and it will never be the same as it once was.

 

I also really hope that you are able to move past this too. Just imagine how you will grab that happiness when it eventually comes. The world will be your oyster. Excitement and wonderful times lie ahead - but you have to go through a bit more pain first (((Aftermath))).

 

There are lots of us on that path together...............

 

Funny just typing that made my imagine the "yellow brick road", with you as Dorothy, me as the tin man, and all the other hurt posters as other weird and wonderful characters! It's a nice image, and why not

 

Good luck everyone, and keep posting.

[Pili-Pala]

Of course if you know a person well, you can guess how they will react in certain situations. I think it's certainly a BW's tendency to minimize how well the OW knew the MM or how real or deep their relationship was, but that doesn't change your reality, for sure. If that's an important point for you to validate the experience you've had, I think you can feel confident in that. If that helps?

 

I'm big on statistics, so I've tried to suss out how these things usually break down. The vast majority of couples do not properly address either the wounds of the infidelity or the causes of it. There's a lot of floundering about. And of course I would imagine that you have mixed feelings on that. You are not a heartless person so you figure that if your relationship didn't work out, then you would hope that their marriage would recover. But then you think, what, was I just an instrument in MAKING their marriage better?

 

I'm on the other side, but I feel like it's not fair either. My husband gets to have all the fun of a new relationship and sex with someone new and everything, and then he just gets to cast her aside and have a "second honeymoon" with me and figure out he really can be happy with me? Yay for him? Of course, every time he tries to avoid or blameshift or compartmentalize, I just send him back to the drawing board until he can do better. But it's exhausting and I can see why in most couples, one or both of them would opt for rugsweeping instead. So much easier in the short term.

 

No one can take the reality of your relationship away from you. I shared my petty Facebook bragging just to humanize the scrambling to make a show of things being OK. Of course they're not OK.

 

As for whether or not the BW has any support, I'm just guessing here, but I don't know that I would trust a compartmentalizing, rug-sweeping man to have spent any time actually guessing how his wife would react after a DD. I bet he avoided thinking about that and whatever he did tell you on the subject was probably influenced by an end goal of feeding the A at the time. So whether or not she reached out to any friends or family is anyone's guess. My MIL came to visit for a week shortly after DD, and our MC told us we could tell her that we were fighting over some business deals we were doing, if it came up. My MIL is not an emotionally healthy person herself so there was no reason to tell her (though she is oddly prescient and she gave a lecture the night she arrived about how we could never get divorced, though she herself is twice divorced). But I immediately told my sister and several friends because I believe I am an emotionally healthy person and I knew I would need emotional support and outside perspectives.

 

I don't know if anything I have said is helpful. I hope so! Reading the posts in this forum have really helped me to see the OW in color rather than black and white, and believe it or not that has been very important for my healing. It would be easier to just write her off as the villain but that's not fair, and I need to see things clearly to give them a proper burial.

 

If there is one thing I know with certainty heartwhole it's that none of this is fair on his W. For sure. As much as they are rug sweeping I doubt at all that she feels in any way happy in herself. What I feel is unjust is that she really knows nothing and she is really the only one in this whole triangle who was and continues to be lied to. I mean I know way more about her and their relationship then she will ever know about me and our A. For instance, she thinks it's been 3months and not 2years to start with - and all she has seen is a few text messages between us completely out of context. I mean, urgh, what she must think of me if she thinks I was writing those texts after just 3months?! And despite the emails and text monitoring which is (was) happening after dday (what did my xMM do btw...set up a new email address!) I don't think they actually talk about the A or any of the details at all. There is certainly no way he would tell her anything positive about me or our A etc. Whereas he was always pretty fair and balanced in how he spoke about her and their M to me.

 

When she emailed me she told me that she is sure she doesn't need to tell me how little she thinks of me and "women like me" and to "stay away" - like I am some sort of predator who preyed on her WH. Well I am not surprised she feels that way and I completely understand her anger towards me and need to make me a villain. Do I think it is deserved? No. Will I "accept" it? Yes, if that is what she needs I will accept it *as her opinion*. Do I personally think it's a healthy approach? No, no I don't personally for a whole load of reasons. But perhaps that was just what she was doing/thinking in that one moment - maybe she has moved on from that now.

 

I think personally what you are doing heartwhole seems a much healthier approach - but is what you are doing easy? No, no I don't think it is and it must take a huge amount of strength, empathy and patience for you to even try. So well done you. And I am glad this forum has helped your healing.

 

 

You are right, I don't think they are addressing either the A or the issues in their marriage before it. He had a virtual online A and she found out about it - they did rug sweeping. What happened then? He had a physical A (long distance and less intense), she found out, they did rug sweeping. What happened then? Me. A much more intense physical and emotional long term A. She found out. What will happen now.....

 

... Well what I really hope won't happen is rug sweeping. But the odds are stacked. And I guess another A down the line awaits them. I feel desperately sad for them. They are both lovely people and I actually think their marriage is completely salvageable with effort. I really think it actually only needs a handful of changes. I told my xMM this several times. But I feel desperately sad that neither will make that effort. And yes, perhaps I will selfishly get more comfort if they are working on it and happy. I will be jealous though, of course I will, I can't deny that. But yes there is a part of me that thinks won't it have all been worth it, all this grief, won't it be worth it if we can all come out the other side better and happier. So I get angry when they don't - as I don't feel like they are delivering their side! I am working on me and they are not working on them. But I have to let it go. I just have to leave them alone now and focus on me and not concern myself with what they are doing.

 

Despite this post I am getting there. I think about them a lot less then I did. Every now and again (like just now) I will go back and think about it but in it way it's to help me to process an emotion and a reaction and then I will move on from it again.

 

And thank you for saying that no one can take the reality of our relationship away from me. I guess I am getting pretty hung up on that point of late for some reason.

[sandylee1]

I am struggling to write a reply to your post Sandylee though I feel like I want to say something as it's definitely caused a thought provoking reaction in me. I think the reason I am struggling to reply is because on the one hand I can see that your post is reminding me (yet again, as to be fair I seem to constantly need this reminder) that I don't know for sure what is happening in their M, and also, although you didn't say this explicitly yourself, that it's doing me no good at all to speculate on it. And I don't want to deny the usefulness of that, and I want to acknowledge that point of view and not in any way dismiss it....but...

 

... But ....all I keep thinking about your post is - I understand all that, I get all that, I am not denying that I don't know for absolute certainly what is happening without being there with them - but the question it raises in me in response is this: is there not the possibility that I am able to make a pretty fair guess?

 

 

I don't think it is exactly as before dday, of course not, but also, I don't think it's a million miles off and I don't think that is as naive a statement as it sounds, as it's based on quite extensive experience and knowledge. I mean they were not in a great place before dday and they (with the disclaimer that granted this comment is said in the absence of the absolute certainty that can only be gained by being one of them) they seem to be a prime example, to use heartwhole's words, of "the most energetic of rug sweepers"....

 

... However, that said, you are right, my opinion is that there is likely a lot of hurt there and yes, it is unlikely back to business as usual in that relationship, and I think my comment on her not telling her family was stupid and not thought out....

 

I don't know if I am making any sense.

 

Kind of ...... I think it's a case of perspectives really.

 

I'm sure when you just see a picture it looks like all is well.... and I know you think that's not fair .... but I hear the sort of thing you said from many others in your situation .... about the MM/MW getting no consequences... living life as normal..

 

You know that many BSs feel that way about single APs too ... that they 'step into' their marriage creating hell and that they get to swan off scot free while the marriage is left in a mess.

 

The reality is that affairs are a loosing situation where one or more people get hurt and it often includes children.

 

A picture tells a thousand words.....

[Pili-Pala]

You know that many BSs feel that way about single APs too ... that they 'step into' their marriage creating hell and that they get to swan off scot free while the marriage is left in a mess

 

Do you know I genuinely have never thought about that until now, and i bet that is very true. I bet my xMM's W thinks that about me. I guess I just always assumed she would have some teeny tiny comfort in knowing he chose her over me and that it likely left me devastated and that I got no more then I deserved. But I suppose it's equally likely she doesn't think that at all, and thinks I have just preyed on her H and now have just picked myself up and swanned off to perhaps prey on another H. Just more reason why this awful situation really is most unfair on the W.

[ChickiePops]

Yes, Aftermath, and her putting those wedding photos on FB are a clear sign of desperately wanting to send you (and anyone else who doubts them) a clear message that they are "very happily married".

 

Seriously their marriage sounds like it must be pure hell for them at the moment. I hope that with time they will recover - but it will take a LOT of time, and it will never be the same as it once was.

 

I also really hope that you are able to move past this too. Just imagine how you will grab that happiness when it eventually comes. The world will be your oyster. Excitement and wonderful times lie ahead - but you have to go through a bit more pain first (((Aftermath))).

 

There are lots of us on that path together...............

 

Funny just typing that made my imagine the "yellow brick road", with you as Dorothy, me as the tin man, and all the other hurt posters as other weird and wonderful characters! It's a nice image, and why not

 

Good luck everyone, and keep posting.

 

Or she's posting those pics to make HERSELF feel better and it has nothing to do with anyone else...

[rainbowsandkittens]

My ex-AP once said that I always assume the worst- meaning, I assume the worst for me. It was said during a conversation about the holidays and how I thought they had the best time being together and celebrating and having time off. He told me that it's stressful, they're in bad moods and tired from working/ life and with their in-laws who stress them out more. I never thought about it that way at all. And he was right, whenever he wasn't with me or was with his family and I didn't talk to him I assumed they were having a grand ole time.

 

I know that what he said was partly true from what he texted during the holidays. But I also know that he came back and told me that he was ending things with me due to his remembering his feelings for his partner, where in the past he felt he was staying with her out of duty. So something must've happened while he was away. Or else I was way more annoying/ needier/ trouble to him than I was before (which I've said before that I know to be true.)

 

I need to learn how not to make assumptions like that. Because I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle- they're not having the best time, nor is it the worst. It's just life. Up and down.

 

So I think now that my AP (and many others who haven't had a Dday) just go on to life as normal.

 

(Sorry, this may be a little off topic now but I swear this was from an earlier convo. I think. I've gotten some of the threads confused, I think.)

Edited March 31, 2016 by rainbowsandkittens

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

I know many will say checking FB is breaking NC but I'm not sure of all the rules. I guess the reason why is exactly as you stated... It made you feel worse. My xMM has no social media so it's easy for me in a way. His wife does but she never updates it and there isn't one pic of him on it (at least there were none during our A). I guess the lesson learned is if it makes you feel bad- just avoid doing it. That's my new motto. It's not easy because I have so many triggers. Even this morning, I was sitting in the airport and I kept looking at my phone waiting for my good morning text- I always looked forward to talking to him while I waited for my early morning flights. Oh well- so many habits to break.

 

!

 

I heard from a mutual friend about the happy Easter pictures floating around and I finally blocked both xMM and his W. Eventually it might have popped up on my feed and it would have killed me. Block them. I'm telling you, go dark. It really is better. Trust me.

[heartwhole]

It is exhausting and defeating to think that the key to keeping your husband faithful is scaring other women away. Who can fight off a whole world of women? This is why I never contacted the OW even though I wanted at least to say that her actions weren't OK. But ultimately I knew it was a test to see if my husband ended that relationship on his own versus me "scaring her off."

 

My husband let me think the relationship was less than it really was for as long as the logic held, but I am logical to a fault. I was so confused because by his telling, he was barely involved with her and definitely never led her on or said he loved her or anything, but here she was full-on in love with him and vowing never to give up on their relationship after DD (tweeted that one). I was like, OK, so if she is this crazy Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction character, then why are you entertaining any kind of relationship with her at all instead of running away? This doesn't add up. I don't patiently nurture (and hide) relationships with men who confess their love to me.

 

There are apps that can retrieve deleted texts and emails, so she may eventually find the truth. I wasn't going to accept any half-truths so I kept digging until I got to the bottom of it. The further we got out from DD, the less he was in the fog, and the more he viewed his actions from my perspective. The book Not Just Friends talks about windows and walls . . . the affair partners open a window between themselves and build a wall to keep out the betrayed spouse. After the affair, if the couple is doing the emotional work, then they immediately erect a wall to keep the affair partner on the outside, and begin sharing with one another again (open a window). My husband wrote new vows for our anniversary and said, "I will share all of my life with you, keeping no secrets." Obviously that was not happening during the affair. Your assumption that he will continue to keep secrets is probably right. But if they are to truly reconcile, then they must tear down all the walls between them and erect proper walls to the outside world.

 

It's definitely not healthy to view the affair partner as the villain. Again, that ties into the idea that men are not responsible for their own fidelity. It's not fair to women and I think it's sexist that female affair partners are so criticized while male affair partners are just men being men.

 

I didn't think the OW got off scott-free, but I did assume after a month or two that she probably realized how embarrassing and foolish the whole thing was and moved on. But then she kept referring to losing her soul mate and her heart ache month after month on social media. Not that it matters -- my head in the sand husband doesn't think about her -- but it does irk me that there's this woman out there who believes my husband is her soul mate and won't let go. It would be easy for me to say it's sad and pathetic, but there was a time when my husband didn't think so. He invited it into our lives. And I just have to accept it, no matter how long she sits around like Miss Havisham stuck in the past. Just like you have to accept your situation, as best as you can.

 

I've also learned from all of this that putting on my oxygen mask first is not being selfish. I spent so long worrying about my WH first . . . well, so did he! And so did OW! It was a big party of all of us putting him first. Regardless of where my marriage winds up, I need to focus on me, who I am, what I want, how I'm going to get there. If you focus on being a healthy, fulfilled person, then all the life circumstance stuff tends to work itself out. And, dare I say, you will get to a point where a relationship with a man with that many problems isn't appealing because you don't have time for that sh*t.

[Ophelia25]

I heard from a mutual friend about the happy Easter pictures floating around and I finally blocked both xMM and his W. Eventually it might have popped up on my feed and it would have killed me. Block them. I'm telling you, go dark. It really is better. Trust me.

 

Agree. My AP doesn't use social media, which makes me very happy, but his wife and I have known each other a long time (never really as friends, more like as "fake friends" because she knew her husband and I never really ended things appropriately and tried to keep up our friendship for years). She follows me on social media, and I follow(ed) her for awhile. It was a really strange kind of torture, and highly addictive. I developed stalker tendencies, because I'd want to know what he was doing and where he was. So I'd look at her Instagram and fb posts and Tweets and then research places and events. Part of me liked this, feeling closer to him because I knew what was going on in his "other" life. Part of me died a little inside, because he was doing things, being a family, being entertained, having a LIFE while I watched sadly from the outside, childless, bored, husband asleep on the couch all night, not wanting to go anywhere, ever.

 

And I'd research and speculate. She wouldn't post for awhile and I'd think, wow, either she's miserable or so happy she doesn't need to use the fake filters of social media to show us how great her life is anymore. She'd post they were at a football game and I'd look up the scores and gloat if the team she liked lost. She'd "pin" something lame on Pinterest and I'd feel this evil satisfaction that she's such a fake, fake girl trying to put this veneer on how lovely her life is when I know it can't be. There is a perfect word for this in German, Schadenfreude. One of my favorite words - look it up.

 

But I've been able to let that go lately, and it really helps. I'm still a total mess in more ways than one. But I really think the social media stalking was killing me. Either it's all an elaborate lie designed to show the world that you are doing great when you aren't, or it's a record of genuine feelings and events that you experience that you think your loved ones will want to share with you, which in her case is kind of sad because her husband is such a cheater.

 

And I wouldn't doubt she stalks me and thinks the same things, and I don't like thinking about that. I'm very quiet on social media anyway, but I used Instagram for awhile and I'd get mad every time she "liked" or commented on one of my pics. The AP said he thought she was just trying to play the "keep your enemies closer" game by doing that. I guess I am an enemy, but I'd so much rather she hate me openly.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long ramble, I have really intense issues with the dynamics of social media, and I've researched it and thought about it endlessly. Currently, while I find it handy for seeing what my friends are up to, I get so overwhelmed with the false "happy" lives people create (and encourage - like, the comments that people leave to boost the ego are atrocious) that I decided it's best for me to stay away entirely. I deleted Instragram and Twitter. I use fb but only share with my husband and my best friend. I do not look at what she is doing, ever, and, though I can't figure out how to keep her pins from coming up in my pinterest news, I quickly push another button if I see her name come up.

 

This has helped me immensely. I do not need to be a part of his other life in any way, especially as a peeping Tom. There is nothing beneficial that can come from that.

[privategal]

Agree. My AP doesn't use social media, which makes me very happy, but his wife and I have known each other a long time (never really as friends, more like as "fake friends" because she knew her husband and I never really ended things appropriately and tried to keep up our friendship for years). She follows me on social media, and I follow(ed) her for awhile. It was a really strange kind of torture, and highly addictive. I developed stalker tendencies, because I'd want to know what he was doing and where he was. So I'd look at her Instagram and fb posts and Tweets and then research places and events. Part of me liked this, feeling closer to him because I knew what was going on in his "other" life. Part of me died a little inside, because he was doing things, being a family, being entertained, having a LIFE while I watched sadly from the outside, childless, bored, husband asleep on the couch all night, not wanting to go anywhere, ever.

 

And I'd research and speculate. She wouldn't post for awhile and I'd think, wow, either she's miserable or so happy she doesn't need to use the fake filters of social media to show us how great her life is anymore. She'd post they were at a football game and I'd look up the scores and gloat if the team she liked lost. She'd "pin" something lame on Pinterest and I'd feel this evil satisfaction that she's such a fake, fake girl trying to put this veneer on how lovely her life is when I know it can't be. There is a perfect word for this in German, Schadenfreude. One of my favorite words - look it up.

 

But I've been able to let that go lately, and it really helps. I'm still a total mess in more ways than one. But I really think the social media stalking was killing me. Either it's all an elaborate lie designed to show the world that you are doing great when you aren't, or it's a record of genuine feelings and events that you experience that you think your loved ones will want to share with you, which in her case is kind of sad because her husband is such a cheater.

 

And I wouldn't doubt she stalks me and thinks the same things, and I don't like thinking about that. I'm very quiet on social media anyway, but I used Instagram for awhile and I'd get mad every time she "liked" or commented on one of my pics. The AP said he thought she was just trying to play the "keep your enemies closer" game by doing that. I guess I am an enemy, but I'd so much rather she hate me openly.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long ramble, I have really intense issues with the dynamics of social media, and I've researched it and thought about it endlessly. Currently, while I find it handy for seeing what my friends are up to, I get so overwhelmed with the false "happy" lives people create (and encourage - like, the comments that people leave to boost the ego are atrocious) that I decided it's best for me to stay away entirely. I deleted Instragram and Twitter. I use fb but only share with my husband and my best friend. I do not look at what she is doing, ever, and, though I can't figure out how to keep her pins from coming up in my pinterest news, I quickly push another button if I see her name come up.

 

This has helped me immensely. I do not need to be a part of his other life in any way, especially as a peeping Tom. There is nothing beneficial that can come from that.

 

There is a way to temporarily disable your facebook. You can reopen it anytime and everything is exactly the same when you do.

As you are healing, it is good to get rid of that too. The first few days feel weird, then the comfort and freedom set in. A strange comfort.

If H or friends ask why, just say you are on a little break from social media just to positively focus on real life...kinda like giving something up for lent...you can go back sometime.

I think you need a break.

I even need a break from LS, Im reliving things and reading about affairs and pain too much. I do want to be here to help but Id like to take a sizable break to decompress. Im getting stuck in my healing. Anyways...do it...trust me...temporarily deactivate FB and you can take some deep breaths and time for you. Email or call your friends, spend more time in the fresh air and plan a mini get away with hubby or something fun. Were all obsessing and analyzing too much.

We have a billion people in the world, the whole rest of our lives, we gotta at some point start to take a blind leap of faith into the future and baby steps to start to live again.

I believe the cruel ending of my ea or friendship was for the best now.

Its still hurting sharply at times but the void can only be filled if I let go a little more each day.

Its not supposed to be easy but you gotta believe its worth it. Its gonna pass but youve also gotta loosen your grip and the constant thinking of it.

Admit its over. Admit that first and refocus on only healing activity.

[sandylee1]

QUOTE=Pili-Pala;6850583]Do you know I genuinely have never thought about that until now, and i bet that is very true. I bet my xMM's W thinks that about me. I guess I just always assumed she would have some teeny tiny comfort in knowing he chose her over me and that it likely left me devastated and that I got no more then I deserved. But I suppose it's equally likely she doesn't think that at all, and thinks I have just preyed on her H and now have just picked myself up and swanned off to perhaps prey on another H. Just more reason why this awful situation really is most unfair on the W.

 

 

Yes .... The mind of a BS works overtime after DD imagining every possible scenario.

 

They get the mind movies of husband with the OW .... where you already know the married couple have sex.

 

Do they think he choose her?... not really. You think you've been chosen when you take your wedding vows. Anything else is just devastating betrayal.

 

What she thinks of you will probably be based on what he tells her about you ... but so often WH lie about it. I read threads where the BW is telling people how the OW pursued her H.... that she offered it to him etc.. Others are quick to call them out on that and tell them it's likely a lie and that even if he was pursued.. he wasn't forced into an affair.

 

Or a common one is that he wanted to get out of the A... but OW was blackmailing him..... which I know does happen .. but it's not the norm.

 

One BW I work with saw the whole email trail where the OW was in fact blackmailing her H to stay in the A... so she realised he was telling the truth about that. But the bottom line for any BW to realise... is that no matter how psycho the OW turns out to be ... HER HUSBAND invited that psycho into their marriage.

[ladydesigner]

QUOTE=Pili-Pala;6850583]Do they think he choose her?... not really. You think you've been chosen when you take your wedding vows. Anything else is just devastating betrayal.

 

Thanks sandylee for this tidbit. I hope the OW realize this. I take no satisfaction in being "chosen" if that is what it is called.