Four-and-a-half years later, marriage going well, the xMOW emails

[Gigi2015]

Quick background:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/304160-questions-about-ended-affair

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/351394-update-year-ago-post

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/453756-one-year-later

 

Things had been going great in our marriage. Not 100%, but making great strides. Out of the blue last week, I get an email from the xMOW. Just a "Hi, [my name]," so I know it wasn't sent to me by mistake, but nothing in the body of the message. I ignore the email and tell my wife that night. She's understandably upset, but takes it in stride and thanks me for telling her. Over the course of the week, it's clear that the email has opened up a lot of old wounds, forcing her to remember--and re-live--the affair and how badly I treated her during this period. I assured her that I'd tell her if I heard from the xMOW again I'd tell her and that maybe we could craft a response together. Given that I ignored the email, I didn't expect to hear from her again.

 

On Thursday, my wife begins crying at the dinner table. I understand it, of course. But part of me kind of regrets telling her. Not to hide anything, but to not open up old wounds again. (I know that ultimately telling her was the right thing.)

 

Then on Friday, another email arrives from the xMOW, this one saying that she would be waiting for me between noon and 1 p.m. at a Starbucks at a given address and asking me to come. The address is the closest Starbucks to my office, showing that she knows where I work. I wasn't interested in the slightest, and there was no way in hell I would even consider meeting her anywhere. But knowing that she knows where I work, I didn't want her to show up at my office one day, thinking that maybe I wasn't getting her emails. So I responded, explaining that I couldn't come because I don't want to do anything to further jeopardize my marriage, that I had told my wife everything, that we were working on our marriage, and that I have come to realize how much I came so close to losing. I even told her that I would be telling my wife about our email exchange. I ended my saying that if she was looking for closure, I wasn't angry anymore. I was trying to show that I'm not still stewing over it, and that there was nothing for us to "wrap up" by meeting. (I've read about the futility and risk in these meetings here, and I just wasn't interested in seeing her.) The xMOW wrote back that she just wanted to apologize, nothing more, and that she wouldn't bother me ever again. So in my mind, it worked.

 

Now here's where I messed up: given my wife's reaction to the first email. I wanted to wait a couple of days to tell her what happened. Our child's birthday was today, and I didn't want this hanging over our head. From the bottom of my heart I had no intention of hiding it from her. I was planning to tell her on Monday. But sensing that something was off, my wife kept asking me if something had happened. I denied it a few times (this was a mistake, I know), but ended up telling her tonight and showed her the emails. She went ballistic--first, for not telling her yesterday and second for an email reply she thought was too weak and equivocating. Looking back, I do wish I had worded things more strongly. I was just trying to find the right balance between making my intentions clear and not giving her a reason to write back or escalate the drama. I just wanted to be done with it.

 

Now my wife is angry and hurt--the angriest I've ever seen her since the affair first came to light. I understand that I shouldn't have waited to tell her or denied when asked--and I truly regret it. I resent the xMOW showing up out of the blue like this. And I'm angry at myself for thinking I could time the truth. But I honestly was trying to do the best in a bad situation.

 

I think you should've agreed to a meeting and brought along your wife LOL....that would've been a classic...she would've gotten the point. You should've kissed your wife in front of her and smiled at each other. You should ( you and your wife device this plan) and laughed it off together...

Edited February 23, 2016 by Gigi2015

[firstandlast]

Likely the ex-ow was between AP, and is bored and looking for a playmate.

 

Bingo. I'm sure she's either hit a low point in her marriage or just broke up with another AP. In either case, it's clear she hasn't learned a thing in the last 4.5 years.

[firstandlast]

How is your wife doing with all of this now?

 

The ice broke a little today. I told her I understand her perspective, but assured her that I wasn't trying to protect the OW's feelings. And I acknowledged that the whole thing could have been averted if I had written the reply with her.

[firstandlast]

The ice broke a little today. I told her I understand her perspective, but assured her that I wasn't trying to protect the OW's feelings. And I acknowledged that the whole thing could have been averted if I had written the reply with her.

 

Well that was short-lived. She's angry all over again. I'm not sure our marriage is going to withstand this. Four years of recovery down the drain. I realize that it's ultimately my fault for having the affair in the first place, but to lose it over an email that made it clear I wasn't interested in resuming the affair--or having any affairs at all--is making me physically sick. How could I be so stupid?

[burnt]

Well that was short-lived. She's angry all over again. I'm not sure our marriage is going to withstand this. Four years of recovery down the drain. I realize that it's ultimately my fault for having the affair in the first place, but to lose it over an email that made it clear I wasn't interested in resuming the affair--or having any affairs at all--is making me physically sick. How could I be so stupid?

 

Very slowly, very gingerly, very carefully, and very respectfully,

I add my comment here--and it is not my intention to cause pain with my words; it's not my intention to be arrogant either. Just adding my suggestion.

 

…

 

Are you sure you two actually put the original affair behind you completely?

While you think you two have been successful in reconciliation, if your whole relationship is at risk of falling apart that quickly because of this one incident, I'm sorry to say, there must be some elements of miscommunication, mistrust and disconnect that must still be present between you two at the very core of your marriage.

 

More importantly, a year from now, if a woman in your neighborhood shows a little too much interest in you, or if the OW chooses to contact you again two years from now, how will your wife react? Will your marriage fall apart again?

 

When one person in a marriage strays, it's usually because something's missing in the marriage in the first place. Whatever your reason was, are you absolutely sure that issue has been addressed properly?

 

What I'm trying to say is that,

looking at her reactions,

looking at the ways you handled things after you got OW's emails,

both indicate to me that

 

there must be still gaps in the way you two understand and communicate with each other. Something's missing, is all I'm saying.

 

What I'm really getting at is that,

there are STILL unresolved issues regarding your wife's ability to trust which you two must not have fully addressed.

 

My suggestion is, since you cannot control what the OW or anyone else outside of your marriage does,

think of this whole incident as a GIFT, not a curse.

A gift that highlights that you two still have LOTS of work to do together.

[Lois_Griffin]

I think most BS's who choose to reconcile have to make a deal with themselves to swallow a huge bite of the sh*t sandwich their cheating spouse served up to them.

 

I guess in time the after-taste eventually goes away.

 

But as you can see, 4 years later the taste just comes right back when something triggers it. Only time will tell whether she'll get over it again like she did last time. Unfortunately, you can't control that.

[wmacbride]

Very slowly, very gingerly, very carefully, and very respectfully,

I add my comment here--and it is not my intention to cause pain with my words; it's not my intention to be arrogant either. Just adding my suggestion.

 

…

 

Are you sure you two actually put the original affair behind you completely?

While you think you two have been successful in reconciliation, if your whole relationship is at risk of falling apart that quickly because of this one incident, I'm sorry to say, there must be some elements of miscommunication, mistrust and disconnect that must still be present between you two at the very core of your marriage.

 

More importantly, a year from now, if a woman in your neighborhood shows a little too much interest in you, or if the OW chooses to contact you again two years from now, how will your wife react? Will your marriage fall apart again?

 

When one person in a marriage strays, it's usually because something's missing in the marriage in the first place. Whatever your reason was, are you absolutely sure that issue has been addressed properly?

 

What I'm trying to say is that,

looking at her reactions,

looking at the ways you handled things after you got OW's emails,

both indicate to me that

 

there must be still gaps in the way you two understand and communicate with each other. Something's missing, is all I'm saying.

 

What I'm really getting at is that,

there are STILL unresolved issues regarding your wife's ability to trust which you two must not have fully addressed.

 

My suggestion is, since you cannot control what the OW or anyone else outside of your marriage does,

think of this whole incident as a GIFT, not a curse.

A gift that highlights that you two still have LOTS of work to do together.

 

This sounds like it could be the source of your wife's reaction.

 

This probably isn't something that she has consciously done, but rather she may may felt like she had worked through everything, but like so many thins in life, you sometimes don't know how you feel until something triggers your emotions and you react. iT also sounds like the A made her very, very angry.

 

It can be devastating to be starting to feel safe and secure and then to have the rug pulled out for under you. Your intentions may have been really good, but, as the saying goes, we all know what the road to hell is paved with.

 

I would suggest trying to give your wife a bit of time and then when she seems to be ready to talk, apologize for what happened and ask her what she needs from you.

 

One more thing. I know that it goes against the prevailing wisdom on here about not blaming the ow, but in this situation, the ow is most certainty to blame for doing a drive by after all this time in an attempt to do a little fishing. Allow your wife to be angry about that and at the ow. You could even encourage her to craft a letter that doesn't need to be sent that expresses her feelings to both you and the ow about this recent event. That might give her the opportunity she needs to vent without it actually causing harm.

[whichwayisup]

Well that was short-lived. She's angry all over again. I'm not sure our marriage is going to withstand this. Four years of recovery down the drain. I realize that it's ultimately my fault for having the affair in the first place, but to lose it over an email that made it clear I wasn't interested in resuming the affair--or having any affairs at all--is making me physically sick. How could I be so stupid?

 

Not down the drain, just a BIG setback. This is all about trust now and you took the situation into your own hands, wrote the exOW back without your wife's input and THAT action made her mistrust you all over again. Time will tell if you two can work through this or if she's fed up and feels it's time to walk away.. All you can do is ask her what you can do to fix this and offer to go back to marriage counseling with her.

 

This isn't just about the email itself, this is about the fact you had an A and everything she's had to deal with afterwards. She knows you're not going back to the A, it's how you chose to handle things on your own, excluding her and that's why she's upset and feels betrayed again.

[whichwayisup]

The ice broke a little today. I told her I understand her perspective, but assured her that I wasn't trying to protect the OW's feelings. And I acknowledged that the whole thing could have been averted if I had written the reply with her.

 

Change your email address immediately. Doesn't matter if you've had that one for years and it's a pain the butt to do, just do it. It'll show her that you have NO interest in any contact with exOW, share your new addy password with your wife too. Close the other account and don't look back.

[sandylee1]

Very slowly, very gingerly, very carefully, and very respectfully,

I add my comment here--and it is not my intention to cause pain with my words; it's not my intention to be arrogant either. Just adding my suggestion.

 

…

 

Are you sure you two actually put the original affair behind you completely?

While you think you two have been successful in reconciliation, if your whole relationship is at risk of falling apart that quickly because of this one incident, I'm sorry to say, there must be some elements of miscommunication, mistrust and disconnect that must still be present between you two at the very core of your marriage.

 

More importantly, a year from now, if a woman in your neighborhood shows a little too much interest in you, or if the OW chooses to contact you again two years from now, how will your wife react? Will your marriage fall apart again?

 

When one person in a marriage strays, it's usually because something's missing in the marriage in the first place. Whatever your reason was, are you absolutely sure that issue has been addressed properly?

 

What I'm trying to say is that,

looking at her reactions,

looking at the ways you handled things after you got OW's emails,

both indicate to me that

 

there must be still gaps in the way you two understand and communicate with each other. Something's missing, is all I'm saying.

 

What I'm really getting at is that,

there are STILL unresolved issues regarding your wife's ability to trust which you two must not have fully addressed.

 

My suggestion is, since you cannot control what the OW or anyone else outside of your marriage does,

think of this whole incident as a GIFT, not a curse.

A gift that highlights that you two still have LOTS of work to do together.

 

Once an affair happens there is never 100% trust again ... so yes this ONE email could have caused what's happened.

 

This contact of the OW and more specifically the response was what caused this. That promise to respond together.. then to just do what you wanted to anyway.... that's really what your wife is reeling about.

 

The memorise come flooding back.. that she was plan b for a while comes flooding back and it hurts all over again.....cuts like a knife. Something you can't know unless you've been betrayed before.

 

Perhaps you could write a letter to her....apologising again and explaining how you now see responding was wrong..and that your response was wrong (too nice) .... I know you've said it..but a handwritten letter gives the personal touch and shows sincerity.

 

You thank her again for giving you a second chance and show how getting involved with the OW was the worse decision of your entire xx years on earth. Make it genuine with your own personal touch.

 

I'm routing for you guys.

[waterwoman]

Contact with the OW without your wife being aware is another link between you, another secret that excludes her. That hurts a lot and brings all those memories and insecurities back. I don;t doubt your motives in acting as you did, just trying to explain why she may be acting as she is.

 

Please don't give up

[firstandlast]

Things have quieted down--my wife told me that she's at peace again. I know now that if the ex-AP tries to contact me again, I'll tell my wife immediately, even if I know it'll upset her.

 

My wife's sister just found out that her husband, who has cheated before, is having multiple affairs, one of them resulting in a child. It's been a bit of a trigger for my wife, understandably. But she understands how the situation is different. (What I did wasn't any better, but I was remorseful, and we still had enough of a marriage to salvage.) So she appreciates the work we've put in restoring our relationship.

 

In short, the AP's email and how I handled it was a setback, but we're back on track.

[sandylee1]

I'm glad things are better with you guys and I'm sorry about your SILs situation. Affair children are a whole other ballgame. I just don't understand why condoms aren't used... you end up with a lifetime cost from your bit on the side...

 

 

Stay on track from now on☺

[whichwayisup]

Things have quieted down--my wife told me that she's at peace again. I know now that if the ex-AP tries to contact me again, I'll tell my wife immediately, even if I know it'll upset her.

 

My wife's sister just found out that her husband, who has cheated before, is having multiple affairs, one of them resulting in a child. It's been a bit of a trigger for my wife, understandably. But she understands how the situation is different. (What I did wasn't any better, but I was remorseful, and we still had enough of a marriage to salvage.) So she appreciates the work we've put in restoring our relationship.

 

In short, the AP's email and how I handled it was a setback, but we're back on track.

 

ExOW should NOT be able to contact you - WHEN YOU BLOCK her, or rid of the email address and create a new one, then there's no way exOW can reach out to you through email. Make sense?

 

Doing this will prove to your wife that you have done everything possible to make sure exOW is unable to email you again.

 

Anyway, glad to hear she's happier and things have calmed down.

[Marc878]

TRUST!!!!

 

Earn it and own it. Your wife gets notified immediately.

 

Wth were you thinking?????