Questions about ended affair

[firstandlast]

Here's my story:

 

I changed careers about a year ago after my wife became increasingly worried about the stability of my chosen field. During the interview for the new job, I was instantly attracted to one of my soon-to-be coworkers who, unbeknownst to me at the time, was soon-to-be married -- she had gotten engaged the morning of the interview. Though my five-year marriage was happy up to that point, I irrationally and impulsively took the job, wanting to know her.

 

Sure enough, I was placed on her team. I pined for her, and six months into the job -- and three months into her marriage -- we began an affair. We had become great friends and since we were "safely" married, we didn't seem to notice that the camaraderie crossed the line into flirtation. I realize now I had been overtly wooing her the entire time, but never thought my longings would go anywhere. One night while working late, I stupidly admitted my attraction. The floodgates opened for her. I had instigated, but she took the ball and ran with it, initiating kissing then sex.

 

We were both in what we considered happy marriages, but the attraction was palpable and the sex was fantastic. Soon we were talking about leaving our spouses. I was willing; she, in the end, was not. We tried to break it off several times after that, but having to work closely together, we always found ourselves back at square one.

 

She has since changed jobs and this time, the breakup seems real. She had been struggling with guilt and says although she loves me, she also still loves her husband and doesn't have "the courage" to leave. I am utterly heartbroken. At work I see constant reminders of her, and since we went NC, I feel an acute and painful void. I miss her badly.

 

So here are my questions:

 

1. How do I get over this? I can't get this woman out of my mind. What's more, I can' even grieve properly. My wife sees that I'm depressed and wants to help, but I can't tell her why.
    
   
2. Is rekindling a desire for my wife possible a this stage? She has remained a loving wife and is willing to change/work to save the marriage (she found some incriminating emails but doesn't know that the affair was physical). My wife has done nothing wrong, but I have an incredible connection with this other woman that I just don't have with the wife.
    
   
3. Is it better if I just leave the marriage, even though the other woman has made it clear that she will not leave her husband? My wife and I do have a 3-year-old child.
   

 

And yes, I realize what a total ***hole I'm being to my wife in all of this. Nothing makes the reality of something so stark as writing it down like this.

[Yianks]

We share similar stories with the exception that I was a single OM.

 

You probably do not realize it but she did you a favor ending the A now than later. I was recently involved in a 1 1/2 year A and the pain is far more than you experience now.

 

Furthermore, you have a marriage that you can work on regardless if at the end you decide to leave. But your marriage is really worth trying again and again.

 

As far as the strong feelings for your xMW these are very normal and appear in all As as you can see in other threads.

 

However, these feelings will eventually fade and you will be very glad they did as the A would have dragged on for a long time resulting in the same outcome......she will never be willing to leave her H and YOU will be suffering in unbelievable ways.

Edited October 27, 2011 by Yianks

[woinlove]

So here are my questions:

 

1. How do I get over this? I can't get this woman out of my mind. What's more, I can' even grieve properly. My wife sees that I'm depressed and wants to help, but I can't tell her why.
    
   
2. Is rekindling a desire for my wife possible a this stage? She has remained a loving wife and is willing to change/work to save the marriage (she found some incriminating emails but doesn't know that the affair was physical). My wife has done nothing wrong, but I have an incredible connection with this other woman that I just don't have with the wife.
    
   
3. Is it better if I just leave the marriage, even though the other woman has made it clear that she will not leave her husband? My wife and I do have a 3-year-old child.
   

 

And yes, I realize what a total ***hole I'm being to my wife in all of this. Nothing makes the reality of something so stark as writing it down like this.

 

Only you know whether you should leave the M. If you do decide to try to recommit to your M, there are a number of stories on LS of that experience, both by BS and WS. It starts with confessing the A, being open and honest, and it seems to take a few years to rebuild a successful and happy M, and it doesn't always work, some people end up divorced, but there are success stories where people do describe how close and strong their M is and how happy they are. I haven't heard of any similar stories if you try to live a M while continuing the deception. I'd suspect if you managed to stay M under those circumstances, your M would be flat and missing something and you'd either settle for a M with reduced intimacy or you'd divorce eventually.

 

As to getting this woman out of your mind, it typically takes seeing that it is better for your life and happiness to not focus on her and you purposely make yourself busy with other matters which take your attention. Once you tell your W it often becomes clearer that there is a choice - living in a fantasy world with what might have been with OW OR staying M and rebuilding a new M and committing to your family, OR leaving your M in which case you could try to convince OW to do the same or find someone else. While you hold on to the secret, you are likely to think you can have those thoughts and your M too, but it is a bit like a dripping faucet, very slowly wearing away at what you share or might share with your W.

[natasha.munchkins]

I would keep the A to yourself. If I was your W, I would never want to learn about it. Especially since the OW has moved on. Pretend that LS is your wife, you've confessed so figure out what comes next. You might want to "date" your wife again for a while to remind yourself why you married her in the first place.

[bentnotbroken]

I would keep the A to yourself. If I was your W, I would never want to learn about it. Especially since the OW has moved on. Pretend that LS is your wife, you've confessed so figure out what comes next. You might want to "date" your wife again for a while to remind yourself why you married her in the first place.

 

 

And there are those of us who weren't told of the affairs even after the OW moved on. Before you knew it, we had lived 20+ years without all the facts of our lives and making choices based on half truths. Have you ever had to live your life that way? If not how do you think you would handle it when you did find out? Covering one's behind should not be at the expense of another's life.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

F&L,

 

Do yourself a favor and look up limerence. There really is no such thing as magic. Understanding what you've experienced will go a long way in helping you make a rational decision. At the moment you are still caught up in the throws of what some people call "the fog". Limerence can alter the chemistry of your brain much like drugs or alcohol do. Just because you desire something does not make it good/best for you. Infact, if you want something so badly that you're willing to throw your previously satisfactory life away for it, then that's most likely a sure sign that it's not good for you.

 

You've got a wife and child depending on you, whether you stay or leave you still owe it to them to make the best and most rational decision for all involved. You're in no position to do that at the moment. Get some help.

[whichwayisup]

Your wife already knows..Something isn't right. She found emails and even though you downplayed the A, lied to her, she knows.. You lying to her, denying the truth is only going to make things worse. Confess to her and allow her the chance to make a decision..

 

I figure you're afraid of the consquences, fear of facing the fallout, seeing the actual pain and devastation in your wifes eyes, seeing her cry because of your choice to cheat on her, fear of losing her now that your MW isn't going to leave her H for you. I mean, if the MW left her H, you were going to leave your wife, right? So, now MW isn't leaving and you're staying married .. By default. Not because you love your wife, but because MW refused to follow through on what she said she was going to do.

 

I wish you strength to get through this, please do counselling (use a marriage counsellor) and work on yourself, then when the time is right, bring your wife to counselling too.

[Annony]

I think I can relate with your W. I have suspected my H is pining for his "friend" and everytime he denies it a little more of the love I have for him dies. This started more than three years ago, and I'm at the end of my rope. I wish to god he could find the courage to admit what he's feeling so we can address the real issues and finally start healing from there. At least that way there's a chance that we can work things out. I'm not saying I would forgive him and everything would go back to normal. But atleast I would know that he's capable of being honest with me and more importantly himself. And that's something. A marriage is built on love and trust, so I believe that honesty can't hurt us, but if he chooses to continue to deny his feelings I don't see any hope for us. I know he thinks he's protecting my feelings and helping our marriage, but the reality is he's only compounding the lies and deceit.

 

While it's true your marriage may not survive if you are finally honest, it definately won't offer the stability your child needs if you keep lying to your W about your feelings. If that's the path you choose, please don't bring anymore children into that instability. Sorry if I'm being harsh, but this is the reality of what affairs do to a marriage, so give your W the information she needs to make an informed decision about her future. Anything less is still acting selfishly.

[whichwayisup]

I think I can relate with your W. I have suspected my H is pining for his "friend" and everytime he denies it a little more of the love I have for him dies. This started more than three years ago, and I'm at the end of my rope.

What your H doing and what the OP (original poster) is doing, is called gaslighting. This makes a betrayed spouse feel like they're going crazy, fills them with confusion and tons of heartache and questions. It's so selfish and cruel to intentionally keep the lie going.

[Ruby_shoes]

Here's my story:

 

 

 

1. How do I get over this? I can't get this woman out of my mind. What's more, I can' even grieve properly. My wife sees that I'm depressed and wants to help, but I can't tell her why. Time. The first few weeks (the first month in particular) you will hurt. Expect this and be kind to yourself. Good people do bad things, let this be a lesson and don't saddle yourself. You will experience huge conflicting emotions, you will want contact with OW. Remember you are in control, the mind is stronger than the body and do not cave in it'll set you back (believe me I now this is tough!!). After the dark there's dawn. Until you get to a point you can be neutral you won't make fair decisions. IC may help. You may feel like your going mad, want to give in, feel obsessive and consumed and big emotion all this is normal. Stay with it, don't push it away to resurface later and either tell your W or if you really can't find someone to talk to, it really helps, an IC or close friend. Friends become life-support at these times.
   
2. Is rekindling a desire for my wife possible a this stage? She has remained a loving wife and is willing to change/work to save t,he marriage (she found some incriminating emails but doesn't know that the affair was physical). My wife has done nothing wrong, but I have an incredible connection with this other woman that I just don't have with the wife.Yes. After step 1. Expect a long ride and you may suprise yourself. Expect a quick fix and you set up to fail. One thing is for sure, you don't try and you won't know but it will take time. You fell in love with her once During step 1 there will be moments you want this, and moments you don't. If you want to make it work, cling to those good moments like a life rope. Search for the missing puzzle pieces hard, what did OW give you etc? MC is good for this and you can go alone if you need to!
   
   
3. Is it better if I just leave the marriage, even though the other woman has made it clear that she will not leave her husband? My wife and I do have a 3-year-old child. Only you can know this. Some survive, some don't. There is no shame if you can't make it work and better apart than unhappy together! Life is just a ride. However wait until your thoughts are in order before you decide. I know so many people who leave too quick and regret it later. I also know poeple who stay in unhappy marriages. Right now this question might be too big to answer. Get your ducks in a row and tackle them one by one You CAN do this, but step one first! Heal, get your confidence back and self belief.
   
   

 

 

All my best wishes to you I know what you're going through, theres great advice on these forums. ((((hugs)))). I read a book called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers I think, a cracking read. I recommend. It talks about finding happiness and how to make choices. It's not got all the answers but it's got some good tools for how to view making decisions.

[Ruby_shoes]

I would keep the A to yourself. If I was your W, I would never want to learn about it. Especially since the OW has moved on. Pretend that LS is your wife, you've confessed so figure out what comes next. You might want to "date" your wife again for a while to remind yourself why you married her in the first place.

 

Hmm in my opinion honesty is the best policy. I do get that sometimes it's very frightening however unless there's a true gut-wrenching remorse and a all hands on deck approach to saving the M undealt with issues may come back. Where there's an emotional bond in place it's like pulling off a plaster slowly and with that much conflicting emotion the BS will know something is up!

Edited October 27, 2011 by Ruby_shoes

[awkward]

My wife and I do have a 3-year-old child.

 

Sadly this was the last item on your list. Whatever you do should be what is best for her.

 

My advice is to start IC right away. Figure out what your problem is. If you find marriage in general or even just marriage to your wife is not for you, then end it. Don't wait until your daughter is older.

 

No matter what you decide to, I hope you are able to see that continuing to be deceitful is not what is best for your daughter.

[Yianks]

I would keep the A to yourself. If I was your W, I would never want to learn about it. Especially since the OW has moved on. Pretend that LS is your wife, you've confessed so figure out what comes next. You might want to "date" your wife again for a while to remind yourself why you married her in the first place.

 

So you are telling him to 'cheat' everyday of his married life to his wife by hiding the truth?

 

I reallly dont think is the best way to save a M after an A. Its very difficult for two people to come close together if there is a huge barrier between them (the A) even if only one knows about it.

 

In these cases, the person who had the affair will eventually begin to look down (subconsciously) to the BS for staying with him/her, and thats a recipe for a M disaster.

[woinlove]

So you are telling him to 'cheat' everyday of his married life to his wife by hiding the truth?

 

I reallly dont think is the best way to save a M after an A. Its very difficult for two people to come close together if there is a huge barrier between them (the A) even if only one knows about it.

 

In these cases, the person who had the affair will eventually begin to look down (subconsciously) to the BS for staying with him/her, and thats a recipe for a M disaster.

 

or look down on themselves and wonder if the BS would be with him/her if the BS knew the truth. You'll never really know if the BS would have stayed married to you, had you told the BS the truth.

 

I'm still waiting for someone to tell a story of how they lived with that and had a happy, intimate M where they felt like they could share everything -- except that one thing, of course. Personally, I don't see how that could work. However, if one is willing to settle just for a survivable M, I can see how one could keep a huge secret. Life and M can more be than that, though.

[Spark1111]

I think I can relate with your W. I have suspected my H is pining for his "friend" and everytime he denies it a little more of the love I have for him dies. This started more than three years ago, and I'm at the end of my rope. I wish to god he could find the courage to admit what he's feeling so we can address the real issues and finally start healing from there. At least that way there's a chance that we can work things out. I'm not saying I would forgive him and everything would go back to normal. But atleast I would know that he's capable of being honest with me and more importantly himself. And that's something. A marriage is built on love and trust, so I believe that honesty can't hurt us, but if he chooses to continue to deny his feelings I don't see any hope for us. I know he thinks he's protecting my feelings and helping our marriage, but the reality is he's only compounding the lies and deceit.

 

While it's true your marriage may not survive if you are finally honest, it definately won't offer the stability your child needs if you keep lying to your W about your feelings. If that's the path you choose, please don't bring anymore children into that instability. Sorry if I'm being harsh, but this is the reality of what affairs do to a marriage, so give your W the information she needs to make an informed decision about her future. Anything less is still acting selfishly.

 

Very well said. This is the BS's mantra in three, short, concise paragraphs about why we need to hear the truth, as painful as it may be, from the proverbial horse's mouth.

 

Great post.

[reboot]

If you love your wife you should tell her so that she too can make her decisions based on the truths YOU already know.

 

If you don't love her you should divorce her.

[White Flower]

If you love your wife you should tell her so that she too can make her decisions based on the truths YOU already know.

 

If you don't love her you should divorce her.

 

Great post Reebs! As always, Nail, meet Hammer. It's been a long time, good to see ya posting again.

[MissBee]

Here's my story:

 

I changed careers about a year ago after my wife became increasingly worried about the stability of my chosen field. During the interview for the new job, I was instantly attracted to one of my soon-to-be coworkers who, unbeknownst to me at the time, was soon-to-be married -- she had gotten engaged the morning of the interview. Though my five-year marriage was happy up to that point, I irrationally and impulsively took the job, wanting to know her.

 

Sure enough, I was placed on her team. I pined for her, and six months into the job -- and three months into her marriage -- we began an affair. We had become great friends and since we were "safely" married, we didn't seem to notice that the camaraderie crossed the line into flirtation. I realize now I had been overtly wooing her the entire time, but never thought my longings would go anywhere. One night while working late, I stupidly admitted my attraction. The floodgates opened for her. I had instigated, but she took the ball and ran with it, initiating kissing then sex.

 

We were both in what we considered happy marriages, but the attraction was palpable and the sex was fantastic. Soon we were talking about leaving our spouses. I was willing; she, in the end, was not. We tried to break it off several times after that, but having to work closely together, we always found ourselves back at square one.

 

She has since changed jobs and this time, the breakup seems real. She had been struggling with guilt and says although she loves me, she also still loves her husband and doesn't have "the courage" to leave. I am utterly heartbroken. At work I see constant reminders of her, and since we went NC, I feel an acute and painful void. I miss her badly.

 

So here are my questions:

 

1. How do I get over this? I can't get this woman out of my mind. What's more, I can' even grieve properly. My wife sees that I'm depressed and wants to help, but I can't tell her why.
    
   
2. Is rekindling a desire for my wife possible a this stage? She has remained a loving wife and is willing to change/work to save the marriage (she found some incriminating emails but doesn't know that the affair was physical). My wife has done nothing wrong, but I have an incredible connection with this other woman that I just don't have with the wife.
    
   
3. Is it better if I just leave the marriage, even though the other woman has made it clear that she will not leave her husband? My wife and I do have a 3-year-old child.
   

 

And yes, I realize what a total ***hole I'm being to my wife in all of this. Nothing makes the reality of something so stark as writing it down like this.

 

Hi FirtandLast,

 

There was a thread recently discussing the idea of "fog"...which some agree is a MP getting involved in an affair and being in such a state of mind in which they start believing some very irrational things or behave in irrational ways...thoroughly convinced that they should be with their AP...yet it just doesn't seem to come from a stable-minded place. Someone else said you should look up limerance...and I believe this idea of fog and limerance may be what you're experiencing based on your story.

 

You were attracted to this woman from afar, you pined after her, you guys eventually had a sexual relationship, it was great, however neither of you are unhappy in your marriages, you certainly weren't considering leaving before, now you want to up and leave to be with her and she doesn't want to do that. All I am hearing about is your "connection" (which often times is a very palpable, but chemically driven process), and NOTHING about a foundation that would make your relationship work outside of this A/sexual context. In comparison to your wife (whom you believe you don't have this "connection" with), how do they compare? If she were to leave and be with you and say, you marry her, how do you envision that? What qualities does she have to be a stepmom to your baby? What qualities does she have over and above your wife that would mean your relationship with her would be better and lasting?

 

I think "connections" are tricky and I have experienced connections and synergy with people who were NOT good relationship material. The sex was the bomb, our conversations were the bomb, that tingly, electric feeling was palpable but we would never work out as a real, sustainable, nurturing relationship in the end....I then realized, you can have all kinds of feelings and attractions, even when you're married....but many of them are not worth the trouble and do not mean "more" than they are a feeling and attraction that you shouldn't throw the rest of your life away for.

 

I suggest that if you start to think about these things....you may begin to either realize what you're doing is not based in anything practical or you may realize you have a horrible marriage and regardless of this woman you need to leave and find someone else. I however, do not believe your unhappiness can be addressed without being honest with your wife. I agree with the poster that suggested maybe trying to court/date your wife again and see how that works for you....I do think sparks can be rekindled. To me, what you're saying sounds impulsive....like you can't even pretend to be unhappy with your marriage...and it seems to me that you're not actually hellbent on leaving your wife, you just need to put energy into rekindling your relationship.

Edited November 2, 2011 by MissBee

[airynmacy]

So here are my questions:

Answers in bold

 

1. How do I get over this? I can't get this woman out of my mind. What's more, I can' even grieve properly. My wife sees that I'm depressed and wants to help, but I can't tell her why. I felt like I couldn’t talk to my H about my problems either and sought IC. I suggest you do the same. I wouldn’t tell your W about your A… I wouldn’t want to know.
   
2. Is rekindling a desire for my wife possible at this stage? She has remained a loving wife and is willing to change/work to save the marriage (she found some incriminating emails but doesn't know that the affair was physical). My wife has done nothing wrong, but I have an incredible connection with this other woman that I just don't have with the wife. If you get a viable answer to this please let me know. I am in the midst of an A and find myself completely not attracted to my H. I know that I should find what I have with the MM I am seeing with my H but the connection seems impossible to kindle. Good luck.
   
3. Is it better if I just leave the marriage, even though the other woman has made it clear that she will not leave her husband? My wife and I do have a 3-year-old child. If you think you can never be happy, why not just let your W go? Haha. I’m such a hypocrite. But your home-life is eerily similar to mine. I would stick it out. Try to work on yourself (healing) then work on your relationship with your W.
   

Just my opinions and pathetic excuses for advice. I feel for you in this situation, I really do.

Edited November 2, 2011 by airynmacy

[reboot]

Great post Reebs! As always, Nail, meet Hammer. It's been a long time, good to see ya posting again.

 

Hey WF. How's life?

[sp2007]

I told my H before I began seeing MM. I was very unhappy in the marriage and wanted to see other people, although I was not ready to divorce. I couldn't bear the thought of lying to my H because honesty was such an integral part of our relationship and I didn't want to violate that. Not looking for pats on the back, just saying how it was and why I made the choice to tell.

 

I had been cheated on in the past by a long-term boyfriend. I suspected and confronted him repeatedly and he continued to deny it. My gut just wouldn't let it rest. I nearly drove myself insane looking for proof. At some point, I didn't really care if he was or wasn't. I just wanted to know the truth. The experience, now long faded from memory, still affects me to this day.

 

When my MM's wife confronted him, shortly after we began seeing each other -- he wasn't really trying to hide it -- he came clean. He talked to me about that decision beforehand and I told him that I thought it was the right thing to do, based on my experience. In retrospect, I am not so sure. The pain it caused her was immense.

 

OTOH, it leveled the playing field and finally forced a conversation about the issues in their marriage that had been going on for many many years and a decision about their future as a couple that had been long overdue. My feeling at the time was that, if they had any chance of staying married, this was it.

 

From reading your posts, it sounds like you at least know you'd like to make your marriage work (although you may have doubts if you can at this point). That may sway you one way or another.

 

I personally feel that while a ONS might be a cross that can carry to spare your spouse pain, an extramarital relationship of many years is something that should not be hidden, as it points to a much deeper issue in the marriage that would be hard to resolve without full disclosure.

 

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you, but wanted to offer it as it provides a number of different perspectives onto the issue.

[nofool4u]

Is it better if I just leave the marriage, even though the other woman has made it clear that she will not leave her husband? My wife and I do have a 3-year-old child.

 

well there is the problem. you will probably want to stay in the marriage for your child, but your wife will be unknowingly trapped in a marriage when she deserves better.

[Flabbergaster]

My A lasted somewhere close to two years. The recovery (still ongoing) from breakup was/is hell, pure hell. Nearly a year later, it can still hurt.

Start by accepting the fact that this is going to be so much harder than you imagine, and it will take a long time. Patience is step 1.

 

1. How do I get over this? I can't get this woman out of my mind. What's more, I can' even grieve properly. My wife sees that I'm depressed and wants to help, but I can't tell her why.

How? One day at a time. One painful day at a time. Focus on just getting through the day, at first. With time it gets easier! Imagine that you are recovering from the death of a very close loved one; how would you get over that?

Find a therapist who specializes in recovery from affairs. Post here, or at least read here. Loveshack group therapy is a LOT of help. If you're lucky, you have some close friends to confide in. Be careful not to burden someone with more than they can handle.

psychologytoday.com has a tool to help find therapist.

 

Try to figure out why you feel the way you do. It won't make you hurt less, but it will help you understand the pain. Try to figure out that your A was not unique...read here and you'll realize everyone has similar feelings in an A. Try to figure out why you let yourself be a person who got into an A.

 

2. Is rekindling a desire for my wife possible a this stage?

It might be possible, but probably not yet. First you need to recover from the pain of the A ending. During recovery you might realize how good your wife is, might rekindle desire. One problem at a time, ok?

 

 

3. My wife has done nothing wrong, but I have an incredible connection with this other woman that I just don't have with the wife.

Brother I could have said this myself. I probably did. Sadly, so many of us feel this way. Does that mean we all were lucky enough to find an incredible mistress...or we are all suffering from the same mistakes? See also, limerence? Make a list of good and bad traits for long term relationship. You might realize that your wife has a higher good trait ratio than your ex-mistress.

 

 

 

Is it better if I just leave the marriage...

Don't make drastic life changes, right now. You are NOT capable of making good decisions, you are in too much pain. No, it is not good to leave the marriage today because you are in pain. Take some time to move through the pain, get to a point where you can think clearly. Maybe you will get a divorce...but this way you actually thought about it. Or maybe you'll realize a divorce isn't what you want.

 

 

I advise against telling her the truth...at least until you start to recover from the pain. Maybe you tell her later...wait until you are thinking clearly. Get professional advice about whether / when to tell her. Maybe start marriage counseling together before telling her that.

 

F&L,

Do yourself a favor and look up limerence.

Thank you for this word.

 

I think I can relate with your W. I have suspected my H is pining for his "friend" and everytime he denies it a little more of the love I have for him dies.... I wish to god he could find the courage to admit what he's feeling so we can address the real issues and finally start healing from there.

He doesnt want to hurt you by telling you she is the reason he is sad. You might want to try to think of a way to carefully tell him that you understand if he pines for her, that even though it hurts you to know this he needs to tell you about the bad days so you know why he's upset on a given day, so you can work together. Then you need to make sure that you don't punish him for pining when he admits it to you; if he's telling you at least there is some sharing of intimate feelings.

Try to speak of her in polite terms, never be mad about homewreckers, etc. Express sympathy for how painful it must be for her to have gone through this, and hope that she (as well as the two of you) recovers from the A. This makes it easier for him to admit that yes he did have feelings (even if they were misguided/misinterpreted...which they probably were). It's hard...but remember she's not the enemy...the problems in him (and perhaps your R) are the enemy. The solution is to fix these problems, not to curse her (or the problems)

[Flabbergaster]

Brother I could have said this myself. I probably did. Sadly, so many of us feel this way. Does that mean we all were lucky enough to find an incredible mistress...or we are all suffering from the same mistakes? See also, limerence? Make a list of good and bad traits for long term relationship. You might realize that your wife has a higher good trait ratio than your ex-mistress.

I am not trying to diminish the qualities of OW in general. I am trying to make him question the 'perfection' of his xOW in specific. My xOW has many wonderful qualities...but not all the qualities I attributed to her while we were together. Also she has flaws that I ignored, then. I suggest that OW also consider their MM/xMM under a harsh light...you might realize that he isn't "all that" after all. I tend to think that many of us get 'caught up' in the experience. The OW (or MM) might be great...but not as incredible as we believe, while in the A.

[White Flower]

Hey WF. How's life?

 

Life is good reebs, I'm D going on 3 years and MM is STBD.