One year later...

[firstandlast]

It’s been about a year since I posted here in the immediate aftermath of an 18-month affair that had just ended — I thought the new year would be a good milestone for checking in and updating you all on what has happened since.

 

I’m happy to report that there is life after an affair. I cringe when I read what I wrote back then. While it certainly reflected how I felt at the time, I was oblivious to what I still had (a wife who loved me and a precious 4-year-old daughter). I can’t believe I was willing to give up so much for so little. As cliché as it sounds, the passage of time has given me some real perspective on the issue that I so sorely lacked then. To cite another cliché, I was like the proverbial fish who doesn’t realize it’s wet.

 

Things I’ve learned in the last year:

 

 

• Coming clean with my BS was a difficult but necessary first step in putting everything out on the table and dealing with the issues that contributed to the affair. Of course, my own selfishness and dishonesty was the ultimate cause, but understanding what led to that point was important to rebuilding the relationship and not repeating my destructive patterns.
  
• Reconciling is hard, but worth it for me. Not everyone has a marriage worth salvaging, but I have come to realize how much I had in common with my BS and how much I truly loved about her. Things haven’t always been easy. A lot of things still trigger my BS’s memories of betrayal — seemingly random things like a couple on TV. And she sometimes will have doubts about my current level of commitment/fidelity. She still questions me about the affair and the affair partner. But I’m slowly earning back her trust with transparency and consistency.
  
• Making a clean break from the affair partner is critical. I had observed strict NC after the affair — I had absolutely no desire to speak to the xMOW again — but remaining in the same working environment meant having a continued connection to her and constant reminder of what had occurred. Getting a new job gave felt like suddenly recovering from a long illness. Even if it means a pay cut or a pause in your career progress, by all means, get out of that environment.
  

Anyway, I hope this brings some level of comfort to those of you ending an affair. It gets better. A lot better.

[WakingUp]

Thats very nice, and Im very pleased for you, but I think perhaps you need to post this in the infidelity forum.

[experiencethedevine]

It’s been about a year since I posted here in the immediate aftermath of an 18-month affair that had just ended — I thought the new year would be a good milestone for checking in and updating you all on what has happened since.

 

I’m happy to report that there is life after an affair. I cringe when I read what I wrote back then. While it certainly reflected how I felt at the time, I was oblivious to what I still had (a wife who loved me and a precious 4-year-old daughter). I can’t believe I was willing to give up so much for so little. As cliché as it sounds, the passage of time has given me some real perspective on the issue that I so sorely lacked then. To cite another cliché, I was like the proverbial fish who doesn’t realize it’s wet.

 

Things I’ve learned in the last year:

 

 

• Coming clean with my BS was a difficult but necessary first step in putting everything out on the table and dealing with the issues that contributed to the affair. Of course, my own selfishness and dishonesty was the ultimate cause, but understanding what led to that point was important to rebuilding the relationship and not repeating my destructive patterns.
  
• Reconciling is hard, but worth it for me. Not everyone has a marriage worth salvaging, but I have come to realize how much I had in common with my BS and how much I truly loved about her. Things haven’t always been easy. A lot of things still trigger my BS’s memories of betrayal — seemingly random things like a couple on TV. And she sometimes will have doubts about my current level of commitment/fidelity. She still questions me about the affair and the affair partner. But I’m slowly earning back her trust with transparency and consistency.
  
• Making a clean break from the affair partner is critical. I had observed strict NC after the affair — I had absolutely no desire to speak to the xMOW again — but remaining in the same working environment meant having a continued connection to her and constant reminder of what had occurred. Getting a new job gave felt like suddenly recovering from a long illness. Even if it means a pay cut or a pause in your career progress, by all means, get out of that environment.
  

Anyway, I hope this brings some level of comfort to those of you ending an affair. It gets better. A lot better.

 

 

 

 

This is a lovely post to share, and I think actually, BOTH sides of the fence would benefit from your profound self analysis.

 

 

I wish you and your wife much future happiness

[Cocochai]

Nice status I always said unless the person confess and confronts the A to their BS and stops hiding and being in denial that's when you can truly say you are making a stop in the cycle!! Congrats!!

[RickFox]

I remember when you first came, I am glad you are doing so well. Keep it up

[underwater2010]

Thats very nice, and Im very pleased for you, but I think perhaps you need to post this in the infidelity forum.

 

 

Actually....3/4 of firstandlasts posts were in the other man/woman section.

 

 

I for one am very proud of him. He manned up, confessed, moved on and managed to keep his marriage intact. He did whatever it took to make it up to his wife.

 

 

Believe it or not....there are men like him out there that screw up and come back stronger in their marriage. I hope he counts his blessing everyday, that his wife is willing to forgive him. And that she counts her blessings that he loved her enough to see through blindness that comes with an affair.

 

 

I also believe that OW/OM should see success stories such as this one. That not every affair ends up with the APs together. That not everyone implodes upon dday/confession. That marriages can survive. We all deal enough with the pain that comes from affairs, why celebrate the good too.

[whichwayisup]

All the best to you and your wife. May 2014 continue to be blossom for you both.

[crystal_lostheart]

It’s been about a year since I posted here in the immediate aftermath of an 18-month affair that had just ended — I thought the new year would be a good milestone for checking in and updating you all on what has happened since.

 

I’m happy to report that there is life after an affair. I cringe when I read what I wrote back then. While it certainly reflected how I felt at the time, I was oblivious to what I still had (a wife who loved me and a precious 4-year-old daughter). I can’t believe I was willing to give up so much for so little. As cliché as it sounds, the passage of time has given me some real perspective on the issue that I so sorely lacked then. To cite another cliché, I was like the proverbial fish who doesn’t realize it’s wet.

 

Things I’ve learned in the last year:

 

 

• Coming clean with my BS was a difficult but necessary first step in putting everything out on the table and dealing with the issues that contributed to the affair. Of course, my own selfishness and dishonesty was the ultimate cause, but understanding what led to that point was important to rebuilding the relationship and not repeating my destructive patterns.
  
• Reconciling is hard, but worth it for me. Not everyone has a marriage worth salvaging, but I have come to realize how much I had in common with my BS and how much I truly loved about her. Things haven’t always been easy. A lot of things still trigger my BS’s memories of betrayal — seemingly random things like a couple on TV. And she sometimes will have doubts about my current level of commitment/fidelity. She still questions me about the affair and the affair partner. But I’m slowly earning back her trust with transparency and consistency.
  
• Making a clean break from the affair partner is critical. I had observed strict NC after the affair — I had absolutely no desire to speak to the xMOW again — but remaining in the same working environment meant having a continued connection to her and constant reminder of what had occurred. Getting a new job gave felt like suddenly recovering from a long illness. Even if it means a pay cut or a pause in your career progress, by all means, get out of that environment.
  

Anyway, I hope this brings some level of comfort to those of you ending an affair. It gets better. A lot better.

 

Congrats in getting out, it's extremely difficult when you're involved to see just how toxic that environment is for everyone involved... I'm 3 years out too and life is so much better... wish you all the very best

[wannabdone]

I think its GREAT that you came back on here to post how you are doing. I have not had a chance to read your story, but I am certain it reads much like most of ours do.

 

 

I too came on here to share my "post A aftermath". Just to give everyone insight that there is life after.

 

 

I firmly believe that the most difficult of circumstances can produce the most beautiful and real relationships. Its hard to come clean totally, and not something that most do. I applaud you for that.

 

 

Wishing you and your family much happiness and peace!!!