Four-and-a-half years later, marriage going well, the xMOW emails

[Tread Carefully]

I don't know why I have this feeling...but I think you should be prepared for the fmow not being done yet.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm a bw.

 

Your wife's behavior is so completely justified & understandable. The first mail was a HUGE trigger. All the pain, devastation, cruelty, betrayal etc etc came back.

 

If I was your wife I'd be feeling all of those horrific things but I'd be consoling myself...."this time he was honest! This time we were a team. I knew it all. We worked together & had a plan. THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT!".

 

....but you made a fool of her! For that day/days you & your OW had a secret that she was no part of, AGAIN! You had thoughts & feelings & actions that she wasn't privy to, AGAIN! You looked her straight in the eye & lied AGAIN!

 

We used to joke that my H could never have an A. He could NEVER lie to me. His face was too honest. I knew him so well that just looking into each others eyes we knew the truth. We were so connected. We were ONE. He was my life partner. My 'other half' the 'love of my life' my love story. BOLLOCKS!!

 

Hard lesson to learn & she's just learnt it all over again. Brutal.

 

I do understand your thoughts & actions but sadly they're weak. It's the kind of crap that got you into an A in the first place. You made a choice for your wife WHY? Because she's too weak to handle it? It was easier, less hassle for YOU to keep her in the dark.

 

Do you truly understand why your reasoning was so wrong? Keeping your secret WITH your OW belittled your W AGAIN. That woman knew things about you & your marriage that your wife didn't. You are still capable of doing all of it, deception, lies, excuses, AGAIN!

[minimariah]

You did write in one of the older posts that you were going to leave your wife, but the ow wasn't leaving her bh, so you stayed married. Ouch. Does your wife know that? If she does, maybe that's why she's so hurt (and lying was wrong). She may always wonder if a piece of you always wishes things had turned out differently.

 

i thought about this, too. if the other woman was up for it, the OP would have been divorced right now. from the BS's point of view -- it looks like the OP stayed with her only because he got disappointed in the other woman. that's tough to get over, for sure.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know why I have this feeling...but I think you should be prepared for the fmow not being done yet.

 

First, if exMOW emails again, send ALL the emails (forward them) to her husband. Or, talk to your wife and maybe now is the time to send both emails to her husband and let him know that contact FOUR years later is unwarranted, that you and your wife feel harassed. Doing that for sure will stop any future contact.

[Lady2163]

I don't know why I have this feeling...but I think you should be prepared for the fmow not being done yet.

 

I think it could go either way. The OW could have sent a feeler out and when there was no response could have done some internet searches. She was able to find where he worked and sent another email with a more conducive (but public) place to meet. He told her not interested and she may just go away.

 

Or she could be a bunny boiler stalker in the making.

 

I'd rather be an optimist and think she will just go away. But it is very important not to push buttons. I had a man years ago when we were breaking up constantly sent emails that said things I just could not let go. No matter how many times I told him to leave me alone, don't email me, I done with you, he'd manage to send an email I couldn't ignore. "I will come to the house and pay you the $800 I owe you on payday." My response: You owe me $1500 and I told you NOT to come to my house ever again. He just knew what buttons to push and what areas I was not interested in compromising.

 

But...if you were planning to leave your wife and then didn't because your OW wasn't leaving her husband....

 

Does your wife know this? Have you been 100% honest and forthcoming? If you have and your marriage has recovered from that, Congratulations! If you never told her that factoid, then you are capable of keeping important things from her and you need to really think how important it is for her to know if the OW ever contacts you again. I'm honestly not saying this to protect the OW. Your wife wants the disclosure so she can feel she can trust you, yet it has been determined it really isn't good for her to know when it happens.

[sandylee1]

I just read your previous threads and can see you've changed a lot. You wanted commitment from a woman who cheats 3 months into being married !! That was never gonna happen and I feel sorry for her poor husband if he's still with her.

 

She'll cheat forever more. Be glad you came to your senses and and saw what you had in your wife.

 

I have to say if I ever found out my H was going to leave me... but didn't because the OW wasn't leaving her BH..... I'd have left the marriage regardless..... I will never accept being a back up plan..... especially as a wife.

 

I hope you show your wife you were worth the second chance. I often wonder how many MM in affairs here would be so forgiving if the tables were turned.

[imperfectangel]

I have a feeling that when mm has a low point he'll reach out to the ow - he knows that doors open now. Maybe only slightly but if he was willing to leave his wife for her then who's to say he wouldn't now?

 

OP, have you been completely honest with you wife or does she think that it was just a one night stand or "just sex"? Does she know how involved you were with the ow emotionally?

[firstandlast]

First, if exMOW emails again, send ALL the emails (forward them) to her husband. Or, talk to your wife and maybe now is the time to send both emails to her husband and let him know that contact FOUR years later is unwarranted, that you and your wife feel harassed. Doing that for sure will stop any future contact.

 

Several years ago, my wife asked me to write a letter to the OW that my wife could keep with her in case the two ever ran into each other. The letter stated unequivocally that I love my wife, regret the affair, understand what I was risking and wanted nothing to do with the OW. The idea was that if my wife ever saw the OW, she could give her the letter to show the OW where she stands.

 

Together, my wife and I are going to create an email version of the letter so that we have something prepared and clear to send the OW if she tries to contact me again. The email will include a threat to tell her husband if either of us hears from her again.

[Midwestmissy]

Maybe the fear of the bw is that if the mow wants to leave her marriage, that the op will run to her. That's a tenuous place. Op, do you still think you could have been with her?

[firstandlast]

I have a feeling that when mm has a low point he'll reach out to the ow - he knows that doors open now. Maybe only slightly but if he was willing to leave his wife for her then who's to say he wouldn't now?

 

OP, have you been completely honest with you wife or does she think that it was just a one night stand or "just sex"? Does she know how involved you were with the ow emotionally?

 

My wife knows the whole story. I told her that my feelings for the OW were real, and she even read some of the posts here after checking my browsing history. So she knows it all.

 

When I wrote the post about being willing to leave my marriage for the OW, I was still deep in the fog of the affair. I probably meant it at the time, but I remember telling the OW on several occasions that I don't think leaving the spouses was a good idea, and when she seemed close to pulling the trigger, I encouraged her give her marriage another shot. If push had ever come to shove, I'm not sure I would have ever attempted to leave. Seeing my wife's pain when I told her about the affair and the effects the chaos had on our daughter, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have gone through with it, even then.

 

Today, I can tell you that I want nothing more than for my wife to feel whole again and for our marriage to heal from by betrayal and become strong. We were doing so, so well before the OW's email came.

 

As for the OW, I would ever initiate contact. Never--not even if we were both single. I have nothing but bad memories and regret from that sordid chapter of my life.

[firstandlast]

Maybe the fear of the bw is that if the mow wants to leave her marriage, that the op will run to her. That's a tenuous place. Op, do you still think you could have been with her?

 

No, not a chance in hell. With time, perspective, and IC, my thinking about that relationship has changed completely. I have nothing but bad memories and regret from the affair. I was not happy to get the email and wasn't even slightly interested in meeting her. The one silver lining, I thought, was that my wife could see that I have no desire whatsoever of rekindling things with the OW.

 

Even if my wife divorces me and the OW suddenly finds herself single, we will never be in a relationship again.

[firstandlast]

I think it could go either way. The OW could have sent a feeler out and when there was no response could have done some internet searches. She was able to find where he worked and sent another email with a more conducive (but public) place to meet. He told her not interested and she may just go away.

 

Or she could be a bunny boiler stalker in the making.

 

I'd rather be an optimist and think she will just go away. But it is very important not to push buttons. I had a man years ago when we were breaking up constantly sent emails that said things I just could not let go. No matter how many times I told him to leave me alone, don't email me, I done with you, he'd manage to send an email I couldn't ignore. "I will come to the house and pay you the $800 I owe you on payday." My response: You owe me $1500 and I told you NOT to come to my house ever again. He just knew what buttons to push and what areas I was not interested in compromising.

 

But...if you were planning to leave your wife and then didn't because your OW wasn't leaving her husband....

 

Does your wife know this? Have you been 100% honest and forthcoming? If you have and your marriage has recovered from that, Congratulations! If you never told her that factoid, then you are capable of keeping important things from her and you need to really think how important it is for her to know if the OW ever contacts you again. I'm honestly not saying this to protect the OW. Your wife wants the disclosure so she can feel she can trust you, yet it has been determined it really isn't good for her to know when it happens.

 

I don't think she's a bunny boiler. She was probably fishing for an easy ego boost, and now that her line has come up empty, she's not going to take it any further. It's too much effort and she has too much to lose.

 

My wife knows the full story. I probably did think at the time I wanted to leave, but looking back, I'm not so sure I would have--even in the thick of the affair and didn't appreciate at all what I had or was about to lose. Today, I'm not suffering from that utter lack of gratefulness.

 

After this mess, there's no way I'm withholding any future attempts from the OW--my wife will be upset either way, but I'll have done everything I could.

[firstandlast]

You did write in one of the older posts that you were going to leave your wife, but the ow wasn't leaving her bh, so you stayed married. Ouch. Does your wife know that? If she does, maybe that's why she's so hurt (and lying was wrong). She may always wonder if a piece of you always wishes things had turned out differently.

 

She knows the whole story. I was hoping that my not showing up to meet the OW would put those fears to rest.

[firstandlast]

Do you truly understand why your reasoning was so wrong? Keeping your secret WITH your OW belittled your W AGAIN. That woman knew things about you & your marriage that your wife didn't. You are still capable of doing all of it, deception, lies, excuses, AGAIN!

 

That wasn't my intention--I was planning to tell her, and I did show the emails--but yes, I do understand this perspective.

[whichwayisup]

Block her. Or change the email address. Maybe she is separated or divorced and that's why she started fishing and contacted you.

[firstandlast]

Block her. Or change the email address. Maybe she is separated or divorced and that's why she started fishing and contacted you.

 

Yes, I will do this. I thought I had already set up a filter, but it's not there anymore. I'll put a new one there now.

[Miss Clavel]

i would tell xAP, "email me again and see what happens".

 

bye felicia.

 

four years?

 

she was letting you know, she's nearby.

 

near your JOB.

 

your wife needs to understand that she is married to a man.

 

as one, you will do whatever it takes to protect your family. which means, shutting this **** down. not waiting to talk it over with her first.

[sandylee1]

Did her husband ever know about the affair with you?

[Be_Strong]

You know that you screwed up by responding to the second email without first telling your wife about it. But I can see why your wife is also so upset about the content of your response email.

 

"So I responded, explaining that I couldn't come because I don't want to do anything to further jeopardize my marriage, that I had told my wife everything, that we were working on our marriage, and that I have come to realize how much I came so close to losing. I even told her that I would be telling my wife about our email exchange. I ended my saying that if she was looking for closure, I wasn't angry anymore."

 

First, look at the reason you gave to your exOW for not meeting with her. More importantly look at what you don't say--you don't say you have no interest in seeing her, you don't say you don't love her, you don't say you couldnt care less about her, you don't say you aren't excited at the idea of seeing her. No, instead, you say you don't want to meet because you don't want to jeopardize your marriage. Trust me, your wife will read that as "I would love to see you so bad and I miss you so much and it would be great to meet except I'm too scared that my wife might find out so I'll pass this time."

 

The other thing wrong about your response is you giving private details of your marital relationship to a person that has no business knowing anything about it. As a BS myself, I can tell you that one of the most painful parts of learning about an affair is realizing that all your private marital business has been spilled to a third party. And you had no problem doing it again to your wife.

 

The third problem with your response is your general coddling tone (e.g. telling her you're not angry anymore). As another member mentioned, you needed to respond as a man would to an extreme threat to his family. You don't politely beat around the bush with a burglar trying not to hurt their feelings. Your wife will see this as an all or nothing situation. You are either completely for your wife or you are completely for your exOW. There's no in between. If you appear to be looking out for your exOW's feelings, your wife will see that as you not giving a crap about your wife's feelings, and showing her that your true priority is exOW.

 

If anything, you need to err on the side of being too big of a jerk in any response to your exOW, and let your wife be the one to suggest that maybe you take a softer approach.

[firstandlast]

You know that you screwed up by responding to the second email without first telling your wife about it. But I can see why your wife is also so upset about the content of your response email.

 

"So I responded, explaining that I couldn't come because I don't want to do anything to further jeopardize my marriage, that I had told my wife everything, that we were working on our marriage, and that I have come to realize how much I came so close to losing. I even told her that I would be telling my wife about our email exchange. I ended my saying that if she was looking for closure, I wasn't angry anymore."

 

First, look at the reason you gave to your exOW for not meeting with her. More importantly look at what you don't say--you don't say you have no interest in seeing her, you don't say you don't love her, you don't say you couldnt care less about her, you don't say you aren't excited at the idea of seeing her. No, instead, you say you don't want to meet because you don't want to jeopardize your marriage. Trust me, your wife will read that as "I would love to see you so bad and I miss you so much and it would be great to meet except I'm too scared that my wife might find out so I'll pass this time."

 

The other thing wrong about your response is you giving private details of your marital relationship to a person that has no business knowing anything about it. As a BS myself, I can tell you that one of the most painful parts of learning about an affair is realizing that all your private marital business has been spilled to a third party. And you had no problem doing it again to your wife.

 

The third problem with your response is your general coddling tone (e.g. telling her you're not angry anymore). As another member mentioned, you needed to respond as a man would to an extreme threat to his family. You don't politely beat around the bush with a burglar trying not to hurt their feelings. Your wife will see this as an all or nothing situation. You are either completely for your wife or you are completely for your exOW. There's no in between. If you appear to be looking out for your exOW's feelings, your wife will see that as you not giving a crap about your wife's feelings, and showing her that your true priority is exOW.

 

If anything, you need to err on the side of being too big of a jerk in any response to your exOW, and let your wife be the one to suggest that maybe you take a softer approach.

 

Thanks for this perspective. I was just trying to end the emails gracefully with a neutral, emotionless tone, but I can totally see how it could give this impression. I really didn't mean it as "I'd come if it wasn't for my wife," because I wouldn't. I was just and I was trying to express my commitment to my wife and the marriage, something I didn't have during the affair. But I can see how it comes off as wishy-washy.

 

I wrote another, stronger email for my wife to review and revise so that, if the xOW ever writes again, we'll have something to send right away.

[William]

Since this thread has more to do with a marriage than a long-ago affair, moderation moved the thread to MLP and discussion of current events can continue here. Thanks!

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for this perspective. I was just trying to end the emails gracefully with a neutral, emotionless tone, but I can totally see how it could give this impression. I really didn't mean it as "I'd come if it wasn't for my wife," because I wouldn't. I was just and I was trying to express my commitment to my wife and the marriage, something I didn't have during the affair. But I can see how it comes off as wishy-washy.

 

I wrote another, stronger email for my wife to review and revise so that, if the xOW ever writes again, we'll have something to send right away.

 

How is your wife doing with all of this now?

[wmacbride]

I think your wife is overreacting but I would just give it time to settle. I think your email to the xOW was about as plain as you could get and it didn't leave any room for argument or doubt. Based on your wife's reaction to the first email, I can understand not wanting to tell her about your response until later. But since she specifically asked you about it, you did lie. Not a great idea. If you just stay by her side, your wife will understand that you're with her through good and bad. Let her know that you understand that putting off telling her about it was a bad error in judgment.

 

My first thought is, are you sure this email wasn't invented by your wife? In other words, could she have created a fake email account and pretended to be the OW just to see how you'd react?

 

 

Why do you think she's overreacting?

 

If it was an ow who got a message like this out of the blue from the mm, there'd be plenty of comments running him down, saying he wnated to restart the a, why doesn't he leave her alone, etc.. If it's the ow sending it, it is somehow different?

 

The message opened up a lot of old wounds, and those take time to heal. The ow should have found some other way to seek "closure", though I strongly suspect this was little more than a fishing trip to see if he might be interested in starting up the A all over again.

 

Likely the ex-ow was between AP, and is bored and looking for a playmate.

Edited February 23, 2016 by wmacbride

[whichwayisup]

My first thought is, are you sure this email wasn't invented by your wife? In other words, could she have created a fake email account and pretended to be the OW just to see how you'd react?

 

This is far fetched, 4+ years later his wife is going to create a fake email address and email her husband pretending to be the exMOW, ask him to meet her so she can apologize? All after their marriage is back on track? No way.

[Liam1]

This is far fetched, 4+ years later his wife is going to create a fake email address and email her husband pretending to be the exMOW, ask him to meet her so she can apologize? All after their marriage is back on track? No way.

 

Good point.

 

Most likely after 4 years of reconciliation the wife would not even want to remind her husband of the OW.

 

Women have a pretty good BS meter. She likely knew the OW had emailed again because that is what a high percentage of OWs do.

 

I can't get rid of my OW.