Marc878 Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 I would detach and let her figure it out. Jumping right in now may not be a good thing. You have a very long road ahead and there may not be a happy ending but I wish you the best. 1
afoolto no end Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Mike, She needs help first, nothing will change until that happens. And you can't make her, she has to want to fix her own life....... Have her evaluated and let the medical profession help you. Go to a support group yourself to learn how to help her....... If nothing happens and everyone just blames everything else besides her issues it won't ever change in fact it will probably get worse...... You seeing this for what it really is, is the first step for you and her. I know you want your wife back but she needs help first. Without it she can't be the woman you have known...... Don't waste anymore time..... If she won't, move on with your kids and understand this is up to her ...... 2
Mr. Lucky Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Second and third the suggestions to attend a support group. There are many, NarAnon is the one I chose in dealing with a family member's addiction. You'll be amazed at how many people have similar stories to yours. You didn't cause, you won't control and you can't cure. Will be up to her. Stay strong, keep posting... Mr. Lucky 3
Horton Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 Did your son witness her drunkenness and her cutting herself? 1
JamesM Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 That was a roller coaster for ME. I was happy for you and then discovered that it went down from there. I am really hoping this will work for you. It is still up in the air. Understand that this has nothing to do with you and it is not about you. This is simply about her and her addictions. Without them, she would be the woman you married. The future is yet unknown. Today she may be in the hospital. Tomorrow she may recover. And yet that is not known either. Wishing you the best. As someone said, alcoholics and addicts are great actors and (I hate to say it) excellent liars. I have a worker who is recovering and I truthfully can never fully believe her yet even though I believe she is on the mend. It will take time and as a close friend, I think we can trust one another again. Hang in there. 3
Author M1ke12 Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 She's home and resumed the natural order of things. She is the master of wanting to pretend life is normal. She's a good mom 99% of the time. We had an appointment today and she is tapering off Zoloft. She was very strong and told the doctor everything. I was there to make sure she did and to hear her opinion on things. Funny the doctor didn't argue about Zoloft one way or another. She referred her to counseling where she can get a better idea of which drug to help with her anxiety. As far as the cutting is concerned the doctor had a good talk with me. Actually so did the police and EMTs for that matter. They said this was cutting and more related to self harm then suicide. She used a safety razor from the shower instead of grabbing a knife I guess? It's what the doc, emt, and police all said. I dunno it just scared me. Right now she says she just wants her life back and working to that end. For now she will taper off and see what happens. I'll encourage a slow taper and really keep an eye out. Anyone curious about ssri and alcohol visit David Healy blog a professor of psychology that's been compiling data, also rxrisk.org. There very well can be a relationship between these drugs and alcohol. If it's not the Zoloft at least we ruled it out. She wants to work and that's good. It will keep her busy. It's Wednsdays that I worry about, her day off. I made arrangements for her to meet me everyday as soon as I'm off on Wednsday. I'm done by 1:30 so it should help. It will be an obligation on her part. She hates being babysitted but understands why it's necessary. Tomorrow I'm driving to the Apple Store to get her ICloud fixed so I can secretly get find my iPhone working. One thing... She isn't tech savvy so this will always help me. Boundaries- I've got them set. They are firmly in place.
Author M1ke12 Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 Oh yes, next Wednsday I'm going to insist she establish a connection with a therapist and that we do a joint first meeting. I understand that she can lie and lying to the therapist won't help her. Same as the doctor, I'll be there to insure she tells everything. After what she did Wednsday I've given it a lot of thought. She was sincere when we had lunch. After lunch she went to have a cocktail because she was convinced that she could have one and walk out. It didn't work for her and was tested at .27 in the hospital. She doesn't remember going to the store after drinking and driving home.
TX-SC Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Lots of info on the web about cutting. I knew nothing about it until my 13 year old daughter started doing it. Now I know more than I want to know. Has she ever done that before? If not, it may be a coping mechanism she picked up from someone in rehab. My daughter learned about it from some Emo friends and decided to do it to deal with some of her depression and suicidal thoughts. As I said before, there will be a lot of up days and a lot of down days. This is no easy journey you are on and the infidelity aspect just makes it worse for you (and her). What it really boils down to is that she really has to WANT to help herself. In fact, she has to want that more than anything else. 1
Author M1ke12 Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 Lots of info on the web about cutting. I knew nothing about it until my 13 year old daughter started doing it. Now I know more than I want to know. Has she ever done that before? If not, it may be a coping mechanism she picked up from someone in rehab. My daughter learned about it from some Emo friends and decided to do it to deal with some of her depression and suicidal thoughts. As I said before, there will be a lot of up days and a lot of down days. This is no easy journey you are on and the infidelity aspect just makes it worse for you (and her). What it really boils down to is that she really has to WANT to help herself. In fact, she has to want that more than anything else. No never. Lets hope this was an isolated drunken episode. I pushed her too hard when she was drunk. I tried to get her to talk to me, tell me what happened. I have pieced together the story. Basically the one night stands were far more traumatic for her then me. She was drunk and on the verge of blacking out when they happened and she is beating herself up over it. She sees that I am in a lot of pain but she doesn't deal like other people. She tends to try sooooo hard to go on as nothing happened. Its eating her up though. She went into the bar to prove that she could have two and walk out. She did have two, paid her tab then a guy bought her another one. She refused at first but stuck around. They were talking (he apparently is some old nearly homeless guy) and then he told her he recognized her from the other night and called her a whore. That blew her mind, she got up and left. She went to another bar and drank one drink there even though before she was going to stop. She drove to the store and bought bananas and raisin bagels a kind we never buy. Drove home. I got home 5 minutes later and she was obviously drunk. I confronted her very angrily....my mistake. I tried to make her talk about it, air it out, cry and feel emotion. She fought it really hard then got really angry and kept saying over and over she wanted to beat someone up. She was angry at the old dude. I told her to hit me beat on me and get it all out. (She is tiny, cant hurt me) and she did.....and didn't stop for a long time. Then she crawled into bed and laid down and looked like she was going to relax some. Then she got up to go to the bathroom and thats when I found her in the shower. Believe it or not, we had a really fun day together and a lot of laughs yesterday just running errands. This is why I love her and will stand by her as long as I can. She seems pretty good right now. We are excersizing together every day so far, and she seems really concerned about her fitness. She is eating very healthy. She is doing her make up every day and dressing nice every day. A behavior that is new...she has always been laid back about that stuff and I never minded, I don't like a lot of make up anyway. I can't explain why shes doing this. I am taking the week off and getting things in place for her. She doesn't know it yet but I am getting her appointment process for IC started Monday AM. She will procrastinate and I don't feel like bugging her so I am just going to flat tell her.....we have an appt on such and such day. Certain things I will take control of like that weather she likes it or not. if she fights it then I will tell her it is a requirement if she wants her family. I doubt she will though, just roll her eyes probably.
RySant Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Mike, you are such a nice man. Your love and care for your wife is giving me hope that there are still good and genuine people like you out there. I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart.... and for your wife too. She's obviously distressed and I hope she can make it from here. 2
turnera Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 She doesn't remember going to the LIQUOR store after drinking and driving home.Correct? She left the bar and then bought and drank a liter of whiskey or something? Who has she chosen for her accountability partner? Is she going to AA meetings?
TX-SC Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Mike, aside from being angry, what actual effort is she putting into addressing her issues? Does she really WANT to fix herself? 1
Author M1ke12 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 Correct? She left the bar and then bought and drank a liter of whiskey or something? Who has she chosen for her accountability partner? Is she going to AA meetings? Nope there was nothing at home. I was literally right on her heals when she got home too.
Author M1ke12 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 Mike, aside from being angry, what actual effort is she putting into addressing her issues? Does she really WANT to fix herself? Yes. She agreed to taper off Zoloft and she will see an IC that works in conjunction with a psychotherapist so they can assess the meds and maybe come up with something better for her. Funny part about this, as soon as I assumed a support role in all this my pain kind of disappeared (for now). I am totally fine with putting marital counseling on hold and getting her help.
Author M1ke12 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 Mike, you are such a nice man. Your love and care for your wife is giving me hope that there are still good and genuine people like you out there. I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart.... and for your wife too. She's obviously distressed and I hope she can make it from here. Thanks so much. I don't feel that I'm being nice.... Just helping my wife and best friend of 22 years get through the most difficult time of her life. Who wouldn't do that? She is not the heartless soul sucker some people probably gather from these posts. Not at all. She actually is one of the sweetest people I know. And no before anyone suggests it she is not buffaloing me..... I've known her so long that would be impossible after all the time we've been together. She is already learning how stress free our home is now that our daughter is freshly moved out. And by the way my daughter is doing much better too. I saw her yesterday bought her coffee and a cinnamon role and hung out. We had fun together the first time in years. Kicking your own kid out can be beneficial for anyone.
RySant Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 She is not the heartless soul sucker some people probably gather from these posts. Not at all. She actually is one of the sweetest people I know. And no before anyone suggests it she is not buffaloing me..... I've known her so long that would be impossible after all the time we've been together. I am sure with the right care, love and understanding, you wife will be back. Not immediately, but as long as you're there for her, she'll get through this. Thanks so much. I don't feel that I'm being nice.... Just helping my wife and best friend of 22 years get through the most difficult time of her life. Who wouldn't do that? Oh, you'll be surprised with the answer 3
Author M1ke12 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Roller coaster for sure. We did a 35 mile ride together in 38 degree weather. We had an awesome time, laughs etc. We actually rode right by the one friend that she knows I've been conferring with and I said that I hoped one day we'd be able to do something with them again but I understood if she never wanted too and that was fine. She said, no we will, I've got to own up to my ****. I've got to face it. If you ask me that's a healthy response. All in all a great week end. Today I go and set up counseling. First appt is for us then following appointments for her unless I'm requested to be there. She went to work, I'm staying home and recovering from some stress and taking care of myself today. I can tell she has a strong drive to return things back to normal and I think she calls this healing. She wants our life back. She totally agrees that she needs counseling and so that is where we stand. I'm actually good with where we are right now. Oh and further developments...... It's obvious she is not needing alcohol to get through the day. I was way off base and just using that to explain her actions. Truth be told she is using alcohol to deal with her emotional stress and it ramped way up when she had the affairs because that only added stress to her life. But nevertheless I'll keep an eye out as I'm sure you guys will warn me... I'll even be accused of being in denial I am sure. She is experiencing a mid life crisis in a way and wants to vent by doing things that are edgy that have some element of risk. I told her that's fine but do them with me only! Not friends and certainly not boyfriends. She swears she's done with that and her esteem has taken a huge blow because of that anyway. As far as the edgy stuff is concerned.... I'm down. 22 years of marriage some spice sounds fun to me. She's never been one to take these kind of risks and I don't see things going too far. We will live a little. Actually I remember going through exactly the same thing two years ago. All in all things are good. 3
turnera Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 First appt is for us then following appointments for her unless I'm requested to be there. You absolutely need to be there for her first IC appointment. You can't trust her to tell the truth OR to give all the facts. You just can't. She needs you to be there for the first appointment, so the IC understands what she needs help with. I can tell she has a strong drive to return things back to normal and I think she calls this healing. Truth be told she is using alcohol to deal with her emotional stress and it ramped way up when she had the affairs because that only added stress to her life. kept saying over and over she wanted to beat someone up. She was angry at the old dude. This second quote is where the dangerous stuff is. She wasn't angry at the dude; she was full of self-loathing. Which is partly there because she won't deal with her stress and wants to rugsweep. Tell the IC that she needs to learn healthy ways to address issues. 2
Author M1ke12 Posted February 2, 2016 Author Posted February 2, 2016 You absolutely need to be there for her first IC appointment. You can't trust her to tell the truth OR to give all the facts. You just can't. She needs you to be there for the first appointment, so the IC understands what she needs help with. This second quote is where the dangerous stuff is. She wasn't angry at the dude; she was full of self-loathing. Which is partly there because she won't deal with her stress and wants to rugsweep. Tell the IC that she needs to learn healthy ways to address issues. Like minds. That was exactly my thoughts and why the first appointment will be for us. 3
HereNorThere Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I would tread very carefully, OP. From the outside looking in, it seems like she's playing you like a fiddle. Don't let your guard down for at least another year or so. Just because she's decided to paint you white again doesn't mean that you will never go back to being black. She's still the same person that put you through all this hell. These types have cycles and patterns of thinking that are very unpredictable. Just when you think Humpty Dumpty has been put back together again, she will strike her death blow towards you. You're playing a very dangerous game with your life. Consider this your warning. 1
Red123 Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I would tread very carefully, OP. From the outside looking in, it seems like she's playing you like a fiddle. Don't let your guard down for at least another year or so. Just because she's decided to paint you white again doesn't mean that you will never go back to being black. She's still the same person that put you through all this hell. These types have cycles and patterns of thinking that are very unpredictable. Just when you think Humpty Dumpty has been put back together again, she will strike her death blow towards you. You're playing a very dangerous game with your life. Consider this your warning. Or, she is being honest and you two will figure your life out from here. She may be the same person who put him through all of this but she is also the same person that he has been with for a long time, I believe he knows her better than us random folks on the forum. The future is not set in stone and people can change for the better or worse. Mike, I wish you success with your reconciliation, only time will tell if you made the right choice, but either way you are trying and I hope it works out. 3
Author M1ke12 Posted February 4, 2016 Author Posted February 4, 2016 I would tread very carefully, OP. From the outside looking in, it seems like she's playing you like a fiddle. Don't let your guard down for at least another year or so. Just because she's decided to paint you white again doesn't mean that you will never go back to being black. She's still the same person that put you through all this hell. These types have cycles and patterns of thinking that are very unpredictable. Just when you think Humpty Dumpty has been put back together again, she will strike her death blow towards you. You're playing a very dangerous game with your life. Consider this your warning. Sorry not the case.
BeholdtheMan Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 Or, she is being honest and you two will figure your life out from here. She may be the same person who put him through all of this but she is also the same person that he has been with for a long time, I believe he knows her better than us random folks on the forum. The future is not set in stone and people can change for the better or worse. Mike, I wish you success with your reconciliation, only time will tell if you made the right choice, but either way you are trying and I hope it works out. Lol...believe this if u want. I would not
Parannonx Posted February 4, 2016 Posted February 4, 2016 I don't believe that old saw that says that once a cheater always a cheater. I cheated in a previous relationship and learned the damage that doing so can do to a relationship. Sadly my wife did not take advantage of my knowledge that I attempted to impart to her and made some really stupid choices that have left our future relationship in danger. That said I have not called an end to our marriage, admittedly our situation is a tad irregular which combined with the stress of raising a special needs child makes me more willing to give her a chance to rebuild the trust she so foolishly destroyed. I say this so that the OP understands where I am coming from. I have not been forgiving, I have not cut her slack for her poor and frankly dangerous choices. What I told her was that she gets one and only one chance to redeem herself. I told her that I wanted to see her putting as much time and energy into fixing that part of her psyche that told her that it was OK to behave in such a selfish and disrespectful manner. That it wasn't enough for her to just be faithful and honest because she loved me, because love can fade and emotions dull, that she needed to understand that cheating was a ****ty thing to do period. To anyone. She struggled with that idea, but it is critical. The thing is, it's her job to fix the mess she made, and it's hard work facing the fact that you are an abusive **** head who treated people you claim to love with disrespect. Don't let her blame her actions on you, your marriage, the drugs or alcohol, she needs to own her choices and recognize that they were first choices not mistakes. That they are choices she made. Set firm boundaries and standards, don't accept a slip up. You can not and should not be expected to go through this every time she's having a rough go of it. Honesty and respect is the key, There can be no affair without lying. Lying is disrespectful, it's saying that the person that you are lying to can't handle the truth. When I say respect I don't mean it in the sense of "respect my authority" I mean it as in respect as a human being who is worthy of care and compassion and honesty. When she cheated on you, she changed the terms of your relationship unilaterally without your knowledge or consent, she exposed you to health and emotional danger against your will. She needs to understand that and just how abusive doing so is. If she gets that and she really grasps it then you have a chance. Good luck
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