My wife had an affair [updated]

[Mrs. John Adams]

i love happy endings....and i hope you get one

[M1ke12]

She is back. She is a tad testy at times and like herself at times. Too be expected right?

 

I get hit with bouts of anxiety when I need a question about all the occurrences. She mostly cooperates but get a little angry about it. Then we are both a little cold toward each other.

 

It seems that she just wants to forget any of this ever happened and wants me to do the same. I can tell that it makes her feel bad and she is trying to sweep it under the rug. She's done this forever with problems.

 

I am opposite. I am more like, "let's pull an all nighter and get everything aired out"

 

Again I see these type of comments in other threads.

 

Also she has nit picked our relationship and is talking about some of my characteristics that displeases her. Guess what? I did the same exact thing during my emotional affair.

 

So all that's left to do here is closely monitor her and go to counseling. For me I'll try to relax around her as my anxiety certainly ramps her own anxiety up.

 

I do feel very resolute.... That if any of this previous behavior continues that I'll leave her and start dating stat.

[Midwestmissy]

We've started eft therapy as well - I'm interested to know how you feel about it. I find it very draining and emotional.

[M1ke12]

We've started eft therapy as well - I'm interested to know how you feel about it. I find it very draining and emotional.

 

We haven't started yet. I had one meeting with the therapist and I get the jist of it. Actually it may be exactly what I need right now.

 

 

Is it helping you?

[Midwestmissy]

I think so. It definitely makes sense to me. Whether I can get over this mess with the therapy is another thing altogether.

[M1ke12]

It occurs to me that there may be something else wrong. Is it possible that she is reacting to a sense that you control her life? I'm not saying that you do. I'm asking if it is possible that she thinks that you do.

 

There are a number of hints. Her refusal to make many kinds of decisions is one example. Another is what I see as her attempt to become sexually free of you may be another.

 

Are you seeing a counselor? If not, it might be worth your while to do so. And while you are at it, don't set too many expectations on her behavior that she does not know about. It reminds me of a childhood game some of us played. It was called "mystery poker". It's simple. You don't know the rules. We play. When you break a rule, I call you on it and I win that game.

 

You sort of nailed it actually. And I just learned all of this.......

 

Through our marriage she has literally taken a back seat voluntarily. I have gotten to the point where I have begged for her input and time after time she has deferred to me. I have a tendency to get hyper focused on whatever we are faced with, but I am never a jerk towards her. I can be an intense person I guess when there is a problem to solve.

 

Now it seems that I was stifling her all while begging for her opinion. I put pressure on her to come to some sort of conclusion on her own and it makes her lock up. I get it now......but it has taken her this long to be able to put it to words. And also.....therapy is to credit for this.

 

I told her yesterday that I would definitely work on this because I have actually grown to hate it.......thats why I have been begging for her input because of this thing that I do to myself.

 

An example would be this:

 

We were shopping for a boat. We do a lot of water sports and wakeboats are a rather large purchase. We put 125 hours on it last year.....its what we do.

 

Well long story short during the shopping process I got so bad that I couldn't sleep. Agonizing over the purchase I finally had it down to two boats and I was pressuring her to just pick one for me so I could just rest easy. It IS a legitimate problem I have. Its a stupid boat and I was losing sleep over it. She finally did pick one but I had to pressure her. It seems we have opposite problems and no balance in this arena.

 

I don't want to do this anymore, and most of the time I am a relaxed person. I will work on this all on my own until I have a chance to talk to a therapist. Right now I am waiting in line so to speak.

 

I also acknowledge that in the cheaters mind ( I was there once) that they will do anything to justify or partially justify the affair. So I do recognize that as well, but that doesn't mean I should ignore, or not work on my problem. Actually I would like a break from it myself.

 

She did readily admit that it has served us well. This kind of behavior got me through my master's degree.

 

With all of this, she knows that my reaction will be to get hyper focused on it and beat that dead horse to death. And I would if I wasn't aware of it. So my task during all of this will be to be relaxed around her, not grill her and try to let life happen.

 

She agreed to go to marriage therapy with me and I am hoping somehow that she agrees to individual therapy. I will try to be happy with this.

 

Also if there is a single text message to a random dude.....I will pull the plug. This much she understands, I don't think I even need to tell her. She already thought that she totally screwed up our marriage and really can't believe I am giving her a second chance. She is surprised. I told her that no one in her entire family really understands me gives me enough credit. (true)

 

I pressure her because I respect her, and I want to respect her opinion. Its her life too.....I sincerely want her input.

Edited January 25, 2016 by M1ke12

[merrmeade]

You sort of nailed it actually. And I just learned all of this.......

 

Through our marriage she has literally taken a back seat voluntarily. I have gotten to the point where I have begged for her input and time after time she has deferred to me. I have a tendency to get hyper focused on whatever we are faced with, but I am never a jerk towards her. I can be an intense person I guess when there is a problem to solve.

 

Now it seems that I was stifling her all while begging for her opinion. I put pressure on her to come to some sort of conclusion on her own and it makes her lock up. I get it now......but it has taken her this long to be able to put it to words. And also.....therapy is to credit for this.

 

I told her yesterday that I would definitely work on this because I have actually grown to hate it.......thats why I have been begging for her input because of this thing that I do to myself.

 

An example would be this:

 

We were shopping for a boat. We do a lot of water sports and wakeboats are a rather large purchase. We put 125 hours on it last year.....its what we do.

 

Well long story short during the shopping process I got so bad that I couldn't sleep. Agonizing over the purchase I finally had it down to two boats and I was pressuring her to just pick one for me so I could just rest easy. It IS a legitimate problem I have. Its a stupid boat and I was losing sleep over it. She finally did pick one but I had to pressure her. It seems we have opposite problems and no balance in this arena.

 

I don't want to do this anymore, and most of the time I am a relaxed person. I will work on this all on my own until I have a chance to talk to a therapist. Right now I am waiting in line so to speak.

 

I also acknowledge that in the cheaters mind ( I was there once) that they will do anything to justify or partially justify the affair. So I do recognize that as well, but that doesn't mean I should ignore, or not work on my problem. Actually I would like a break from it myself.

 

She did readily admit that it has served us well. This kind of behavior got me through my master's degree.

 

With all of this, she knows that my reaction will be to get hyper focused on it and beat that dead horse to death. And I would if I wasn't aware of it. So my task during all of this will be to be relaxed around her, not grill her and try to let life happen.

 

She agreed to go to marriage therapy with me and I am hoping somehow that she agrees to individual therapy. I will try to be happy with this.

 

Also if there is a single text message to a random dude.....I will pull the plug. This much she understands, I don't think I even need to tell her. She already thought that she totally screwed up our marriage and really can't believe I am giving her a second chance. She is surprised. I told her that no one in her entire family really understands me gives me enough credit. (true)

 

I pressure her because I respect her, and I want to respect her opinion. Its her life too.....I sincerely want her input.

Just don't let things or people get sidetracked by your 'problem' (of questionable significance imho) or let it overshadow why you're there. MC often will put WSs at ease by making every side have a problem. It's easier for the WS to trust the process and not feel everything is her fault. Well, it may help her, but the fact is it's not the dealbreaker.

[M1ke12]

Just don't let things or people get sidetracked by your 'problem' (of questionable significance imho) or let it overshadow why you're there. MC often will put WSs at ease by making every side have a problem. It's easier for the WS to trust the process and not feel everything is her fault. Well, it may help her, but the fact is it's not the dealbreaker.

I agree. When I was trying to leave her 7 years into our marriage I did this exact thing. I recognize that I took one small seemingly insignificant problem she had and made mole hill into mountains.

 

I really think she is passed the deal breaker part anyway. She has assured me that she isn't leaving. She said I would have to try to get rid of her, so thats all good.

 

She's still cold toward me a bit. Especially over the texts that I sent to her encounters. She said she is embarrased about what I said (I made them believe that she was is the midst of a breakdown and an alcoholic and slept with 5 guys over a 2 week span) While I only added two guys to the list, I feel totally justified in doing this! Oh also I suggested they all get tested. ( I did so should they right) I was protecting our relationship and if it had any chance at all, contact with those guys should end right away.

 

But all in all every day is showing progress. She invited me to lunch with her tomorrow as she has the day off. The simple fact that she did that means a lot to me right now.

[M1ke12]

For those of you that have followed my thread.....

 

Just got back from a late lunch with my wife.

 

Things have really hit her.....what she did etc.....she cant believe what she did.

 

I got the hugest, most sincere apology and absolute verification that she plans to continue to see a therapist individually (one of my biggest concerns).

 

I am stoked beyond imagination....she actually seems like herself.

We have been through a lot together. Really a lot. (even dealing with our daughters attempted suicide and her physical attacks)

 

I think we will be one of those couples that say their bond grew stronger after infidelity.

 

Thanks for all your help.....even if you did tell me to divorce her immediately.

[TX-SC]

Great! Not to be a downer, but when dealing with mentally unstable people, there will be good days and ****ty days. You just had a good one.

 

Todd

[dichotomy]

I am glad you had a good day and she gave the words you needed.

 

My brother has addiction issues - drinking, gambling, etc... there have been many grand proclamations by him towards me and the family. All worthless until he entered treatment and hit rock bottom. But he also had several starts and stops on treatment. They say there are no cured alcoholics only sober ones.

 

Keep this in mind. You will need to also seek help for any codependency issues and dealing with someone with like this.

 

But I am glad you felt some relief today. One day at a time.

[M1ke12]

And right after the lunch date, she went to a bar, got drunk and someone called her a whore. She went home tried to act like nothing happened and I confronted her.

 

She went nuts. She totally lost it and ended up in the bathroom and cut herself. She is now in the hospital.

 

My beautiful wife.... What happened to her in the last month. All this in one month time.

 

I don't understand why this happened to me, I'm a good man.

[RySant]

Dude,

 

your wife is in serious ****. This is not just a case of cheating anymore. Obviously, she has issues that are way deeper. Can you be there for her at least for now?

[M1ke12]

Dude,

 

your wife is in serious ****. This is not just a case of cheating anymore. Obviously, she has issues that are way deeper. Can you be there for her at least for now?

 

She is in the hospital and won't see me. Goddamn if she didn't step foot in that bar. She was so good to me at lunch. So sincere it was all I could do to keep it together.

[M1ke12]

When I talk to the doctor today I hope that someone will FINALLY listen to me about the Zoloft.

 

I called the bar. She had 2 1/2 drinks and left. That would put her going straight home. She had 2 1/2 drinks and was trashed. I don't know if she ate or not. We had lunch though.

[CarrieT]

I am so sorry for you, M1ke...

 

I understand the rollercoaster of having a great day and then having it all dashed. Keep posting here; we are here for you.

[BuddyX]

Doesn't matter how much she drank, or whether she ate or not. What matters is she stepped foot in a bar. Forget about the small stuff, it will eat you alive.

The medical staff will take care of her health. You can help her emotionally. I'll admit, this will not be easy.

Wish you luck

[Lois_Griffin]

I guess you haven't learned yet what excellent actors drunks are.

 

Welcome to life with an alcoholic.

 

One day you'll realize that constantly babysitting her and cleaning up her messes is a thankless job.

 

One day.

[Whoknew30]

Why was she let out of rehab so early? She evidently needs to be somewhere long term.

 

I've seen many addicts/mental illness in my family. You're not going to be able to trust her (she can't trust herself) for a LONGGG time. This goes so far beyond cheating, the cheating was a symptom of a bigger problem. You going to have to be the strong one for your family. You should go to Al-anon meetings. You need some guidance from other H & families that have gone through this.

 

You have kids to worry about & it's going to be a journey. This is going to be the one of the hardest things you're going to go through in life but it may be for the better once it's all over. Really...good luck to you

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mike...I am so very sorry

(((((hugs)))))

[TX-SC]

And right after the lunch date, she went to a bar, got drunk and someone called her a whore. She went home tried to act like nothing happened and I confronted her.

 

She went nuts. She totally lost it and ended up in the bathroom and cut herself. She is now in the hospital.

 

My beautiful wife.... What happened to her in the last month. All this in one month time.

 

I don't understand why this happened to me, I'm a good man.

 

You now are in a very difficult situation. You can stand by your wife through this, which will be very difficult. Or you can bail on her. You will never have your old wife back. She is gone forever. You MIGHT still be able to salvage a life partner out of her. Even that is questionable. But, do you want to give up on her?

 

Nobody here is an expert on this. We may have lived with alcoholics (my dad was one), and we may even have BEEN an alcoholic (I never was), but none of us have enough experience to guide you in your particular situation. This is your wife and your unique situation.

 

I would highly recommend talking to some AA counselors and the nurses and doctors who care for peoole like your wife. You need to fully understand what your life will be like moving forward. You will be on guard 24/7. You will never fully trust her again. In essence, she will become less like a wife and more like a teen or preteen, always on the verge of destroying her life or the lives of those around her (drinking and driving is an example).

 

You have some huge decisions to make. Seek some professional insight before making them. Look into removing her from Zoloft first. There are other anti-depressants that might work for her.

[Satu]

This is why people speak of the 'roller coaster.'

[MadJackBird]

Sorry, Been there done that. Being married to an addict is tough. I recommend support groups as others have. Another good one is Celebrate Recovery.

 

Good Luck!

[Qboro90]

I don't understand how you can feel like "if only it weren't for that bar after lunch" things would've been perfect today.

 

Your wife has been an alcoholic for over 2 years. This isn't all going to suddenly get washed away and you'll get your happy marriage back along with the woman you first met and fell in love with.

 

I think you need to start letting yojrself realize that your wife is never going to be the same again even if she is able to stop drinking. That's not something that ever goes away. It's a lifelong battle which will constantly hang over your lives together.

Plus, with her history of drinking and getting in the car with kids... I'm not so sure you should be thrilled about wiping the slate clean without any skepticism and track record of stability on her part.

 

I mean this woman had put you through hell for the last few months, endangered your kids, and is forcing you to live a life where you have no idea what's going to happen next, what she's going to do, how she is going to react, what will set her off, what won't, what you can say, what others might say that'll trigger her... How your kids are being affected by all this... The list goes on.

 

While I commend your support for her.... I also think you need to have a line drawn for your sake and your kids sake that once it's crossed, you have to start removing yourself from hr being the center of your life and future. And start living as if your marriage isn't going to recover and get back to where it was.

 

Like a poster already said. This isn't the place where you should be going for advice and help. Qualified counsellors and doctors need to be involved for you, her and your family. This isn't going to be better next month, this summer, next year, or 4 years from now. It's just not.

 

You need to participate in the therapy with her as well or see a separate therapist together. Even if things magically got better tomorrow... Eventually you are going to start having the feelings resonate where you realize "wait, this woman cheated on me multiple times, put me through hell, etc... And she's giving me crap about ____"!? It's inevitable.

[66Charger]

While you must greive and deal with this, you are also in effect a single parent. Show strength with your children. Guide them through this with as little damage as possible. This may be really hard, but it is the most important thing that you do.