My wife had an affair [updated]

[Jonah]

She is having a long term affair with alcohol. Zoloft too. Both escapes from feeling emotions. Sex is also an escape. Those are now the most important things in her life. She believes those are keeping her from going insane.

 

To stop all of the above, to face stark reality... if somehow a miracle can happen and she does that then the result will be a real human soul. The shock would be enormous, compounded by the regret of her actions with those other men.

 

Let her do it on her own. Not in spite but so as not to be a distraction for her to be forced to face herself. Sure she may very well seek comfort in others, but what the heck... she is gone anyway. All you can do is warn her not to. Her insanity has certainly not ended today. Time heals though. Two years average for a decent return to normality but the end result could be a very beautiful soul.

 

In the mean time, this is a great opportunity for you get to know yourself. And while you are at it, enjoy life! Many let this infidelity eat at them forever. That's what I do. I hope you find a way not to.

[Marc878]

First of all cut the alcohol from the home. You can't drink around her. If she is an alcoholic she can't have any or be around you drinking either. Go to AA with her.

 

You need some time to reflect if you can live with her infidelity long term. Some can, some can't. Determine if a reconciliation is even possible. Do not waste a lot of life that has little chance of success.

 

If you can you have a long twisting road ahead of you. There will not be a worse time in your life to deal with.

 

If you can't stay with her through treatment (you at least owe her this). Do not string her along. After her recovery work out an amicable divorce and move on with your lives.

[Lois_Griffin]

I absolutely let them know that I wouldn't tolerate their involvement in any way. I am a good man but nobody messes with my family. Especially my wife when she is mentally ill and obviously not in her right mind.

OMG - stop making excuses for her.

[aliveagain]

Sorry for your pain, three men in two weeks, hard to take. Were these men all single? If you know they are married or in a relationship their partners need to be told. Since no protection was used, she will need to be tested within the next 6 months again, some STD's don't even show up until 6 months after the last event. Protect yourself. Sounds like she will need a lot of independent counselling.

[TX-SC]

Alcohol can lead to some very bad things but screwing five guys in two weeks is all on her. It's a cop out to blame that on alcohol. Tell your wife you will take her back, but you get five hall passes to use as you see fit.

[dreamingoftigers]

I will stand by her through the alcoholism. Without batting an eye. She is my love and I still feel faithful to her. That said she will have some amends to be made and I am not a mat to be walked on.

 

How should I deal with her coldness? I know from experience that it takes time to recover from an emotional affair.....I did it to her years ago. Theres like a poison in your blood that turns you cold to your spouse. My instinct says give her time and she will come around

 

I sincerely hope the alcoholism is related to Zoloft. If you care to look it up it is crazy all the people that claim that on Zoloft they drink like a fish. Off of it, they lose their cravings. I hope thats the case.

 

I went on Wellbutrin years ago for about six weeks.

 

It really messed with my head. I went into rages without any provocation and it made me feel like "I didn't even care."

 

Luckily I rationally realized that I was going to end up alienating everyone and possibly arrested if I didn't stop it.

 

And really, I could figure out that throwing a pan of lasagna wasn't exactly "normal" for me. So I quit cold turkey.

 

But frankly, prescription drugs are VERY scary.

 

My husband was a nightmare on a combination of Dexedrine & Wellbutrin. Like a sociopath.

 

Last year I tried two eighths of a percocet. My husband had slipped a disc and I grew very very ill one night in deep pain. I couldn't very well ask him to go to the drug store for me (he couldn't walk!)

 

So he gave me an eighth of one to take the edge off the pain until morning.

 

Well I awoke at about 3 AM feeling no pain at all, totally blissful and noticing what a lovely shade of green my blanket was. It was like the whole world was content. Wow.

 

I went back to sleep and woke up in pain again, but still exhausted so he gave me another eighth. Bliss.

 

For WEEKS after that I would just be rolling along, going about my day and just think, "I should get myself a percocet, that would be nice." Then I would stop and just think, "what the Hell? No wonder people get totally hooked.

 

My husband was on SIX a day. I was VERY concerned. He decided (on his own) to cut it cold turkey. His biological mother was a junkie that died at 41. He was 36 at the time and had enough addiction issues. So even with his slipped disc he stopped taking the percs.

 

I honestly believe that's what triggered his alcohol relapse (within two weeks of quitting percs).

 

I totally understand what he's going through when he thinks about percocet. He was REALLY happy on percs.

 

He went to treatment for alcohol as well this summer. Very clear-headed now. We've both talked about how nice the percocet feels bit he thinks I was more taken by it than he was. I was wondering where I could get more and then snapping back into reality quickly going. "No way. Bad idea."

 

And I don't drink, do any drugs or smoke. Mind-altering stuff isn't a norm for me at all!

[dreamingoftigers]

I will stand by her through the alcoholism. Without batting an eye. She is my love and I still feel faithful to her. That said she will have some amends to be made and I am not a mat to be walked on.

 

How should I deal with her coldness? I know from experience that it takes time to recover from an emotional affair.....I did it to her years ago. Theres like a poison in your blood that turns you cold to your spouse. My instinct says give her time and she will come around

 

I sincerely hope the alcoholism is related to Zoloft. If you care to look it up it is crazy all the people that claim that on Zoloft they drink like a fish. Off of it, they lose their cravings. I hope thats the case.

 

I wouldn't take it personally.

 

My husband was ice cold to me.

 

I think it's something chemical when people go past the shame barrier.

 

Like they do something they know is so effed-up and can't take back.

 

The problem is when.people (like sociopaths) have it stuck in the ON position forevermore.

 

That's particularly creepy.

 

Hopefully your wife "resets" over the next six months or so. I find it takes about that long.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well then, if I ever cheat on my wife, I'll make sure I'm drunk. Between that and a claimed MLC, my spouse would be expected to understand.

 

Look, I understand good people are capable of bad things. But sex with 5(?) partners indicates a degree of resentment and hostility that should be fully addressed before the OP makes any decisions...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

When I was much younger and in the throes of mental illness, I had what I could best describe as a "serious break from reality" and ended up doing a series of things within 48 hours that I simply NEVER discuss because it was at such a high level of distress and mental anguish that I can't look at it as being a part of my "character."

 

Nothing like that ever happened before or since. There wasn't any temptation to ever repeat it and it seems to be a total and complete aberation.

 

It was very hard to even come to terms with for years. It didn't make sense to me and I wasn't "attached" to anyone else at the time so it had nothing to do with that. It was like being in a complete "survival mode" where I was grasping at anything and everything to feel even somewhat "OK" or even just distracted for even seconds at a time. If it meant doing horrible things just to not feel what I was feeling, the rational part of my brain was completely OFF at that junction. That's just what it was. No more, no less.

 

Yes, something had devastated me, but I have since gone through similar and even worse devastation, but it adds up more to the mental illness I was diagnosed at the time with and the catalyst.

 

We all love to believe we are in control 100%. But sometimes our brains can be messed up enough that we simply aren't "in character" at all.

 

I have very little fear of any 48 hour instance ever repeating itself. I am much older now and have a long more experience, have been through therapy, and to be totally Frank: my brain does not operate at all the way that it used to. EMDR took away the emotional flooding (due to PTSD) that I had before.

 

After 22 years, having a serious emotional breakdown, drinking on anti-depressants and screwing so many people in such a short time doesn't smack of "resent" and "forbidden fruit" as much as it does some kind of insanity of sorts.

 

I've heard of such things happening turning out to be brain tumors and such.

 

As much as we are responsible for our own choices, it is difficult to assume that while being prescribed something that sends some people through a crazy loop, that their judgment and capability is top-notch 24/7.

 

I look at this and just think "holy crap, what going on in the brain right now?"

 

As much as I totally empathize with the OP (having been cheated on and so forth, and all of the deep pains, (including the throwing up and devastation); I can also see where his wife really broke from reality during that time period.

 

I honestly don't see that amount of sexual partners, completely self-destructive behaviour, and confession and consequently going in for treatment to be a reflection of resent and hostility toward OP at all.

 

In fact, it ses like she was breaking down into auto-destruct on her own and trying to keep it from destroying her life with him. Not "secretly striking back" at him. It seems largely not well thought-out and doesn't seem to smack of the entitlement so many cheaters have.

 

Almost more like a manic episode or something.

 

OP is not under any obligation to stay the course with her etc. But he seems to see it as a serious mental health issue as well. He's known her for 22 years. He could be totally right.

[M1ke12]

My wife had an affair and it has been 3 weeks since it has ended. There is a lot of other stuff going on but not really part of this discussion.

 

She has agreed to marital counseling and agreed for the right reasons IMHO in other words she says she wants to fix whats broken or work on our marriage, NOT because she wants to find out if she should be married or not.

 

However, how normal is it for there to be a kind of coldness to her? Lack of empathy for my pain etc. Its like something won't let her acknowledge me etc.

 

Now I will say that long ago 7 years into our marriage that I had an emotional affair. I was very young and dumb and didn't know that it was cheating. Really I had never even heard the word emotional affair. I felt exactly the same way! And I keep telling myself that this is normal, that I felt the same way. But really I have only my one data point to go off of. I would ask the therapist but we don't meet until Friday.

 

Also I tell myself, "Kinda hurts don't it" and remind myself I did it to her.

 

These are the things I did during my affair and I also see her doing.

 

Pushing the other spouse away.

Emotionally unavailable.

Passion is missing.

Happens almost overnight when everything else seemed fine.

 

All normal?

[M1ke12]

I wouldn't take it personally.

 

My husband was ice cold to me.

 

I think it's something chemical when people go past the shame barrier.

 

Like they do something they know is so effed-up and can't take back.

 

The problem is when.people (like sociopaths) have it stuck in the ON position forevermore.

 

That's particularly creepy.

 

Hopefully your wife "resets" over the next six months or so. I find it takes about that long.

 

Thank you so much. I have only my own personal experience to draw from. Its nice to know that she can come around.

 

You describe it perfectly.

[Marc878]

PA or EA? How do you know it's over?

[M1ke12]

When I was much younger and in the throes of mental illness, I had what I could best describe as a "serious break from reality" and ended up doing a series of things within 48 hours that I simply NEVER discuss because it was at such a high level of distress and mental anguish that I can't look at it as being a part of my "character."

 

Nothing like that ever happened before or since. There wasn't any temptation to ever repeat it and it seems to be a total and complete aberation.

 

It was very hard to even come to terms with for years. It didn't make sense to me and I wasn't "attached" to anyone else at the time so it had nothing to do with that. It was like being in a complete "survival mode" where I was grasping at anything and everything to feel even somewhat "OK" or even just distracted for even seconds at a time. If it meant doing horrible things just to not feel what I was feeling, the rational part of my brain was completely OFF at that junction. That's just what it was. No more, no less.

 

Yes, something had devastated me, but I have since gone through similar and even worse devastation, but it adds up more to the mental illness I was diagnosed at the time with and the catalyst.

 

We all love to believe we are in control 100%. But sometimes our brains can be messed up enough that we simply aren't "in character" at all.

 

I have very little fear of any 48 hour instance ever repeating itself. I am much older now and have a long more experience, have been through therapy, and to be totally Frank: my brain does not operate at all the way that it used to. EMDR took away the emotional flooding (due to PTSD) that I had before.

 

After 22 years, having a serious emotional breakdown, drinking on anti-depressants and screwing so many people in such a short time doesn't smack of "resent" and "forbidden fruit" as much as it does some kind of insanity of sorts.

 

I've heard of such things happening turning out to be brain tumors and such.

 

As much as we are responsible for our own choices, it is difficult to assume that while being prescribed something that sends some people through a crazy loop, that their judgment and capability is top-notch 24/7.

 

I look at this and just think "holy crap, what going on in the brain right now?"

 

As much as I totally empathize with the OP (having been cheated on and so forth, and all of the deep pains, (including the throwing up and devastation); I can also see where his wife really broke from reality during that time period.

 

I honestly don't see that amount of sexual partners, completely self-destructive behaviour, and confession and consequently going in for treatment to be a reflection of resent and hostility toward OP at all.

 

In fact, it ses like she was breaking down into auto-destruct on her own and trying to keep it from destroying her life with him. Not "secretly striking back" at him. It seems largely not well thought-out and doesn't seem to smack of the entitlement so many cheaters have.

 

Almost more like a manic episode or something.

 

OP is not under any obligation to stay the course with her etc. But he seems to see it as a serious mental health issue as well. He's known her for 22 years. He could be totally right.

 

Wow thanks for taking the time to write that. So helpful. I just got back from meeting with her and yes the coldness was still there, but she was pleasant and welcoming.

 

We have been under extreme pressure first during the recession and then with the break down of our daughter. Just when it seemed like the clouds were lifting, this happened.

 

She describes the whole thing like watching a movie. She knew what was happening, but couldn't control it. And this includes other poor decisions, not just the affairs. I am anxious to see what the therapist thinks when she hears that.

 

It is absolutely looking more and more like some sort of separation from reality, some sort of breakdown to me. Oh man that stresses me out, I hope my real wife comes back to me.

 

Your post and your own admission to having a 48 hour period where something happened that you couldn't control really helps.

[M1ke12]

Manic behavior can't be controlled, it's just as likely to manifest during Christmas dinner as it is to underpin cheating behavior with 5 partners.

 

 

 

Sounds pretty calculated and rational to me...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I appreciate the contribution. Really I do. However knowing my wife, the way I do, this was so far out of character and all over a 2 week period. Her whole personality has changed through it and seems numb with almost no emotion.

 

She has never been a risk taker. Never in 25 years (3 years dating) have I known her to do something risky.

 

This is some sort of breakdown, knowing all the stress we have been under.

[M1ke12]

There have been a lot of discussion around my making excuses for her.

 

Forums are always interesting this way and I get it.

 

However, after knowing this woman for 22 years, this behavior was so far out of character and all present in 2 weeks time. Maybe the first affair was on her, I will make her own up to that one. She lied to me to my face and that does really hurt. This WILL come up in our discussions but keep in mind that I did it to her 15 years ago and we worked through it. I owe her that.

 

I picture her having the affair, not being able to cope with the stress that SHE created and spiraling out of control and then getting drunk and having 2 more encounters.

 

We have been through sooooo much. I think her own infidelity created the stress that finally broke her. I really do. I am learning also in talking to her counselor that alcohol played less of a roll in this. Was she drinking too much? Absolutely. Was the drinking as bad as I thought? No. She was mostly drinking with me but she is tiny and I am 215 lbs.

 

I drink too much too, this will be good for us to find some other fun.

 

My thoughts right now are this. Go to marriage counseling. Not be surprised when the therapist suggests that she continue some therapy on her own. Hold her accountable for the first affair but not necessarily the last ones. She snapped, there is no other way for me to think of it. I think the stress of her own infidelity was the final straw.

[M1ke12]

PA or EA? How do you know it's over?

 

 

Both. It was only a week long with one date and lots of texts. Phone records etc. Of this I am sure.

 

 

she didn't tell him she was married and I believe her.

 

I texted him and told him she was an alcoholic and has had a breakdown and slept with 5 guys in two weeks and needed to get tested because I was. Then I threatened him. See my other thread in the Divorce topic for complete story.

[PegNosePete]

How come you're being so aggressive towards the dude, but forgiving your wayward wife so easily?

 

Have you not heard the expression, "it takes 2 to tango"?

[TX-SC]

The coldness is a way for them to separate their emotions from you so that they are more emotionally available to the OM or so they don't ferl bad about what they are doing. If she convinces herself that you are an ass and never appreciated her, it's easier to justify what she did. Plus, the sex simply may be better with the OM (plural) than it is with you. These are realities that you must face. Sex with a new person will have an excitement level that is hard to match in an old relationship. You keep referring to the other two guys she slept with as if they don't matter and it was just her spiralling out of control. I think you will eventually find, if you stay around long enough, that the true reason was that she enjoyed the sex with new guys. The drinking may have been related to her being torn between loving you and not wanting to ruin her long term marriage/family, and liking her new found freedom to have sex with anyone she wants.

 

For a period of two weeks, she got to see what it would be like without you. And, she liked it. Of course she would! New sex is exciting! Until you can acknowledge her true reasons and stop rug sweeping this by blaming yourself, drugs, and alcohol, you cannot fix this. I don't believe she was completely out of focus while this was going on. She knew damn well what she was doing.

 

To move forward, stop minimizing the extent of what she did. She screwed multiple guys, consistently lied, and put your child's life at stake by drinking and driving. See a lawyer. Do so as soon as possible. Document her eratic behavior, cheating drinking and driving, etc. All of this can be used to gain a better footing in a divorce. Find out where you stand legally. You can move forward with the divorce paperwork and have it served to her in rehab, or wait until she is out. Look into the 180 and learn what it means. Stop coddling her and minimizing these affairs. What she did was disgusting, pathetic, and dangerous. You'll be lucky if you don't have an STD, and you are damn lucky your child isn't dead.

 

Your wife is showing little true remorse at this time and is effectively rugsweeping the whole thing. Stop buying into it. Protect yourself and your kids. Stop drinking any alcohol at all. Focus on your kids. Enforce the 180. Stop going out of your way to coddle her.

Edited January 18, 2016 by TX-SC

[dichotomy]

No affair is alike. Some push their BS away, some get more happy or sexual with their BS during the affair. After being caught (Dday) some breakdown and cry and understand the hurt and loss happening to their marriage - some are numb not knowing - and some are cold. My two cents (particularly with women) is when they are cold or lack empathy for their BH's pain - its because 1) they feel justified in their cheating - resentment at the husband for something(s)....or 2) in the rare circumstance they don't see their affair as all that bad (though I think this is more a cheating mans view).

[big dog]

I think men generally have affairs because they want the sex... lust of someone new etc... Although this is not always the case. Women do the same thing but they have to have a "crutch".... some reason in their own minds to justify their actions. They don't want to feel they've done it just for the sex or excitement and so forth. They also need a reason in case their friends or family find out. They have to have that "justification" in their own mind. Therefore the usually find a reason to blame the husband. If she's acting badly toward you it may be several things. She may be sorry she got caught and is defensive now. She may be wanting more of the same, whether with the same man or someone else. And she may be ready to move on. The fact she's willing to go to marriage counseling means nothing. Could be just a way to pacify you and keep the peace. keep you hangin' on. Sounds like you need to consider getting on outta there. Things will never be the same and you'll just make yourself miserable in the long run.

[aliveagain]

Emotional affairs and physical affairs can only happen if they are offered, in other words, alcoholic or not nothing happens without her approval. Sex doesn't happen if sex isn't on the table. Dates take planning. Her coldness could very well mean she still has resentment.

[turnera]

It is absolutely looking more and more like some sort of separation from reality, some sort of breakdown to me. Oh man that stresses me out, I hope my real wife comes back to me.

 

Your post and your own admission to having a 48 hour period where something happened that you couldn't control really helps.

 

Exactly what I was talking about. I've seen quite a few people go through this. Which is why she needs intensive therapy, long term, to dig down deep enough to figure out how this happened. It's likely a complicated tangle of things.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you're in shock. I applauded you for not doing anything rash and taking the time to let everything soak in.

 

 

But, you're going on a trip. And it's called the roller coaster of emotions. Now, you can't blame everything on the alcohol and the Zoloft; but, at the end of the day, she made a choice and her choice was to cheat. You can't blame it on the alcohol because she wasn't black out drunk when she did these things. She recalls it all Therefore, she wasn't raped or taken advantage of. She realized that these man had her number and was guarding her phone because she realized what she's done.

 

 

So, you'll be on this roller coaster of emotions. One minute you're okay, the next you'll be crying your eyes out. One minute your happy, then next you're going to be angry as hell. Lot's of up's and downs. So, be mindful of that because it's coming.

[OldRover]

M1ke12,

 

Just read this thread and really sorry for what you're going thru.

 

I've had some serious experience with alcohol abuse and that is, by FAR, your biggest problem.

 

First, you'll get tons of varied opinions on what alcoholism is and how to treat it. Spend some time to educate yourself and try to understand it.

 

Second, I could strongly argue that alcoholism is NOT a disease, and the AA approach to it is a dismal failure... look up the stats and you'll seen that the success is somewhere around 5 to 10%. There are better programs, a lot of them private, that dig into behavior and the mind. However, can get expensive. (I know, I've spent 10s of thousands on this). Alcoholism is a choice. Just like other addictions, drugs, smoking, etc. You have to choose to do it and choose to NOT do it... or choose to control it. Yes, control drinking is also a solution, that has about the same success ratio as just quitting all together, but things work different for different people.

 

Third, you wife CLEARLY has to WANT TO QUIT. She must be on board, and you can't solve it without her. But you "can" put her in an environment where she can be influenced to change.

 

This will take a LOT of effort, and can be uncomfortable. Don't give up. I tried to check back in the thread to see how long drinking has been a problem... longer is harder to fix, but still can be fixed.

 

Of the loved ones that I helped with alcohol.... out of three of them, one is dead... never recovered. The other two control alcohol with moderation and is working pretty well for both. They both have close SO in their life that help. Sex hasn't been an issue with any of them. However, one did like to go out after drinking... and did drink out a lot. That was a HUGE issue... fortunately no major problems, but could have been. The others drank at home. Just about as bad, but without the risk of driving drunk, or ending up in an awkward spot with others of the opposite sex.

I spend MANY times at AA, and the more I went, the less I liked it. Most of the people there never recovered, and it was very negative. The 12 step thing is a crock and really doesn't work, but could be a crutch for a few. GOOD counseling in a GOOD programs can have success above 50% (backed by stats from former attendees).

 

My heart is for you on this... wish you the best. Don't give up, but you "can" get to a point where "enough is enough" and you'll have some serious decisions to make.

 

====

 

As for the infidelity, I'd argue strongly that is was not related to the drinking, but drinking and the GNO sure made it easier and provided the opportunity. As for GNO, I'm strongly agains that (as I am Guys Night Out), if it has anything to do with pick up bars and people of the opposite sex going there for a hook up. Do that kind of stuff ONLY together, with your wife.

 

Now, you still love her, it's obvious. Keep loving her and give her your support, and let her know that. She needs to see that you're there for her, by her side, willing to help and forgive. She will eventually have to come to grips with her actions and seek your forgiveness with sincereness and remorse. Hopefully that will come with time.

 

A few rules and boundaries you must put in place RIGHT NOW:

 

1. Absolutely NO drinking alone.... no matter what, and none whatsoever outside the home alone. And absolutely NO drinking within 24 hours of driving. (But eventually you'll want her to quit all together if you can.... or at least controlled drinking).

 

2. Absolutely NO GNO. No exceptions.

 

3. Absolutely NO contact with any man outside your home without your expressed permission, other than a doctor or professional.

 

4. Your relationship will be totally transparent... absolutely no exceptions.

 

5. Spend at least 20 hours of week of quality time alone with her.... doing things together, uninterrupted and take the time to rebuild your marriage. I could argue that is as important as professional help.

 

These are only starters... you may come up with more in the future.

 

Now, best of luck, keep us posted. This community is here for you, and there are some really good people here. Goal is to recover from this.

[Terry8889]

Feel sorry for you! I think you should not only focus on the alcoholism she has been hiding, the affairs, etc you have to find out what triggered everything, what made her explode like that. People who are "happily" married don't become crazy alcoholics from one day to another. She was probably starting to feel unhappy in the marriage and that is how it started, maybe problems at work, family issues, who knows? I think the problem it is not only about the alcoholism but the cause which started it.

 

Cheating sober or not will certainly affect your marriage. It doesn't matter how many times you say you forgive her, it will haunt you for the rest of your life if you stay with her. Every time she is not at home in the back of your mind you will wonder and fear that she could be cheating again. I wouldn't be able to put up with that and go through so much stress and pain, but that is just me. 22 years is very long time, I cannot put myself in your shoes. Good luck!

[The D Train]

OP...I worry about your situation happening to me. My wife drinks a lot and takes anti-depressants (not sure what one). She can be two different people - 1, a caring saintly lady and dedicated mother and wife and 2 - raging alcoholic that doesn't know when to say when, puts partying ahead of family and gets black out drunk. Alcoholism runs in her family.

 

 

I worry about her drinking too much and because of her social, friendly nature, being taken advantage of in case I were not around. It happened to her at college and she claims a guy slipped her roofies. I can't refute her claim but I have seen her on many many occasions drink too much and we will start to get intimate and she passes out or the next morning she doesn't remember we had sex the night before.

 

 

She doesn't drive drunk with kids tho and most of her drinking is at home or with me or with her girlfriends only.