My wife had an affair [updated]

[OldRover]

Feel sorry for you! I think you should not only focus on the alcoholism she has been hiding, the affairs, etc you have to find out what triggered everything, what made her explode like that. People who are "happily" married don't become crazy alcoholics from one day to another. She was probably starting to feel unhappy in the marriage and that is how it started, maybe problems at work, family issues, who knows? I think the problem it is not only about the alcoholism but the cause which started it.

 

Cheating sober or not will certainly affect your marriage. It doesn't matter how many times you say you forgive her, it will haunt you for the rest of your life if you stay with her. Every time she is not at home in the back of your mind you will wonder and fear that she could be cheating again. I wouldn't be able to put up with that and go through so much stress and pain, but that is just me. 22 years is very long time, I cannot put myself in your shoes. Good luck!

 

Terry,

 

First, good people from good marriages do have trouble... even affairs or alcohol problems. I've got very close experience with this. It happens. There are triggers that one can watch for to prevent this sort of thing, but can still happen. That's one reason I'm dead set against GNO. It just doesn't work. And couples need to establish boundaries and be aggressive about making their marriage grow. The marriage can be very good and very happy, and a few minor slips (not even related to the marriage) and it gets messed up. Also, there's lots that affect people... job, social issues, friends with problems, family issues, etc., etc. Yes, something causes it, but not always the marriage, per se.

 

And, yes, some people can get over an affair, just not for you, and that's totally understandable. The OP has decided to live with it and solve it, so let's support him for his goals. He has the right to change his mind, but for now he has decided that this 22 year old marriage is worth saving. And hopefully, over time, he will be able to accept her commitment back into the marriage and make it work and it won't haunt him.

 

And there's a few people that are less tolerant than you and are haunted by past relationships long before the marriage and can't let go, which ends in failure. So be it.

 

I'm betting on the success of M1ke12.

[TX-SC]

I'm betting on the success of M1ke12.

 

I think you would be better off betting that the Dallas Cowboys will win the Superbowl this year.

 

Seriously, Mike is in for a rough ride. I don't think he fully understands his situation. He is under the impression that drugs and alcohol are to blame. I don't think so. I think she used them as a crutch, but went head first into three affairs knowing the damage she was causing. The fact that she is still cold indicates that she has little remorse and may harbor resentment. There is more to this than he knows. In fact, he might find that there have been other indiscretions that he is unaware of.

 

I truly do wish Mike the best of luck. I hope he can work this out. But, what she did is unfathomable. Three guys in two weeks, plus endangering her kid? Yeah, there's more to this than he knows. I really think Mike needs to see a lawyer right now. Get his ducks in a row while she is in the hospital. Do the 180 and see how she responds.He can always stop a divorce later if he wants, but for now, he needs to protect himself and his kid. More is coming, be ready.

Edited January 18, 2016 by TX-SC

[NewLeaf512]

Never thought I'd say this but I'm with OldRover on this one.

 

Team Mike for the win.

[M1ke12]

She is in treatment right now and has two weeks left.

 

Talking to my wife through all of this was like literally talking to someone that had zero emotion. She told everything just matter of fact, like it happened and with phone records and texts and such I am pretty sure it was the truth.

 

She eventually just gave up and took an attitude, "do whatever you want with me." and her family and I put her in treatment.

 

I will say it again. We have been under extreme pressure these last years. If you have any idea what its like living with a daughter that has Borderline Personality Disorder then you would understand.

 

My wife changed. Overnight. I have to see this through. If I get screwed over again in any way I am out. For good. And I am serious.

 

This is my wife of 22 years and I will not give up easily especially after what we have been through.

 

I am a good looking attractive guy and I wouldn't have a problem dating really......but honestly the thought makes me sick.

 

Bottom line I have 2 weeks and then we can start counseling. We will see what shakes out there, and I will keep a lawyer on speed dial.

 

Point is, why panic and make rash decisions here. I have a few months on this at least and then I will know better what I am facing.

[dreamingoftigers]

She is in treatment right now and has two weeks left.

 

Talking to my wife through all of this was like literally talking to someone that had zero emotion. She told everything just matter of fact, like it happened and with phone records and texts and such I am pretty sure it was the truth.

 

She eventually just gave up and took an attitude, "do whatever you want with me." and her family and I put her in treatment.

 

I will say it again. We have been under extreme pressure these last years. If you have any idea what its like living with a daughter that has Borderline Personality Disorder then you would understand.

 

My wife changed. Overnight. I have to see this through. If I get screwed over again in any way I am out. For good. And I am serious.

 

This is my wife of 22 years and I will not give up easily especially after what we have been through.

 

I am a good looking attractive guy and I wouldn't have a problem dating really......but honestly the thought makes me sick.

 

Bottom line I have 2 weeks and then we can start counseling. We will see what shakes out there, and I will keep a lawyer on speed dial.

 

Point is, why panic and make rash decisions here. I have a few months on this at least and then I will know better what I am facing.

 

I was diagnosed with BPD in my early twenties.

 

Part of my 48 hour breakdown I mentioned.

 

I want to let you know that I TOTALLY get it.

Your daughter won't be able to see the stress and suffering she causes (without feeling shame and only a burden to other's existence). She will be able to see her own suffering very very deeply.

 

Truly honestly, I have had some rather tragic and painful things happen in my life post-therapy. But the honest truth was the living with BPD just day to day was a biochemical and emotional nightmare worse than suffering tragedy after my BPD symptoms lessened to a point where I am no longer considered "symptomatic."

 

I know this isn't directly relating to your wife but the ONLY thing that helped at all with BPD was EMDR therapy and to be totally honest, it was luck and fluke that I even got it. I do not know why it is not applied automatically as treatment for BPD as it substantially lowered my BPD triggers. I have not even felt suicidal in a decade. The emotional and chemical flooding doesn't occur. (Pregnancy hormones aside. I cried through the movie Frozen a couple months ago. Very different from wanting to jump off of a bridge because someone looked at me a little funny).

 

My father (who I suspect I inherited it from, or it could just be that he beat it into me) also did some EMDR. He did not finish his course of treatment. However, he is much more tolerable and far less aggressive to the point where I trust my daughter to be around him.

 

As for your wife, treatment is never long enough eh?

 

I think it would be ninety days at the least before the brain really was ahead of the cravings etc. Six months for sleep patterns to normalize.

 

Honestly if I were in your position, I would go to an Amen Clinic with her and get a scan done. There's likely to be significant damage with that type of substance abuse.

 

She WILL be like a zombie for awhile.

 

Seems the pattern goes something like:

 

Blame others

Feel shame

Feel guilt

Clue in that there's hope

Take responsibility

Feel stuff

Get weepy

Them start to develop empathy again.

 

That's been my experience with my alcoholic husband anyhow.

[M1ke12]

Terry,

 

First, good people from good marriages do have trouble... even affairs or alcohol problems. I've got very close experience with this. It happens. There are triggers that one can watch for to prevent this sort of thing, but can still happen. That's one reason I'm dead set against GNO. It just doesn't work. And couples need to establish boundaries and be aggressive about making their marriage grow. The marriage can be very good and very happy, and a few minor slips (not even related to the marriage) and it gets messed up. Also, there's lots that affect people... job, social issues, friends with problems, family issues, etc., etc. Yes, something causes it, but not always the marriage, per se.

 

And, yes, some people can get over an affair, just not for you, and that's totally understandable. The OP has decided to live with it and solve it, so let's support him for his goals. He has the right to change his mind, but for now he has decided that this 22 year old marriage is worth saving. And hopefully, over time, he will be able to accept her commitment back into the marriage and make it work and it won't haunt him.

 

And there's a few people that are less tolerant than you and are haunted by past relationships long before the marriage and can't let go, which ends in failure. So be it.

 

I'm betting on the success of M1ke12.

Haha. Youve summed up how I live my life. My dad is the definition of an angry old white guy with tons of regret. I won't live my life that way. I will try and keep trying then move on when I know its over.

 

I also place A LOT of stake in my gut. That is to say that my wife has never ever been a risk taker or player of any sort. This is a departure SOOOOOO far from the norm.

 

Any doubters please google zoloft makes me crave alcohol and do your own research. There are many ruined lives out there. My own daughter confirmed....drinking and zoloft made her feel like she was in vegas even if there were 8 people at the party.

 

I will see where this plays out and be on high alert for future bull****. If it happens, I am out.

[happyman64]

You know Mike. You do what you need to do.

 

Your wife is sick. Period.

 

Add in all the other issues and she obviously broke down and made very bad decisions.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving your wife, getting her the proper medical care and giving her the time to get healthy.

 

You have all the time in the world.

 

To see if the "Good" wife comes back.

 

Time is on your side.

 

The stress that a special needs child can put on a family/marriage is well documented.

 

Continue to be patient but be proactive in cleaning up her mess.

 

HM

[TX-SC]

My daughter, who is 13, suffers from severe depression and BPD. She is currently on Zoloft, has been cutting, and had to be temporarily hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. So, yeah, I get it. It's tough as hell. I too have been on Zoloft. But I've never, ever, thought of cheating or acting like your wife hsa. I guess it acts differently with different people.

 

My point is that you need to protect yourself right now. Your wife being cold and uncaring is a bad, bad sign. I guess just keep an eye on things, but I'm worriedyou have some hard times ahead. I think more information about what she has done will surface.

[sidney2718]

She is in treatment right now and has two weeks left.

 

Talking to my wife through all of this was like literally talking to someone that had zero emotion. She told everything just matter of fact, like it happened and with phone records and texts and such I am pretty sure it was the truth.

 

She eventually just gave up and took an attitude, "do whatever you want with me." and her family and I put her in treatment.

 

I will say it again. We have been under extreme pressure these last years. If you have any idea what its like living with a daughter that has Borderline Personality Disorder then you would understand.

 

My wife changed. Overnight. I have to see this through. If I get screwed over again in any way I am out. For good. And I am serious.

 

This is my wife of 22 years and I will not give up easily especially after what we have been through.

 

I am a good looking attractive guy and I wouldn't have a problem dating really......but honestly the thought makes me sick.

 

Bottom line I have 2 weeks and then we can start counseling. We will see what shakes out there, and I will keep a lawyer on speed dial.

 

Point is, why panic and make rash decisions here. I have a few months on this at least and then I will know better what I am facing.

 

You should probably get yourself some individual counseling. You not only need to deal with your "drinking too much", but there were clearly problems in your marriage that you missed, as well as the serious problem with your daughter that you've stressed.

 

I'm not trying to dismiss your wife's infidelity, but things have roots. Your description of your wife's current reaction seems to me to indicate that she's given up. She knows what she did and has steeled herself for whatever happens next. She may well be terrified that you may leave her and that she'll go back and find comfort in a bottle and a stranger's bed.

 

I believe you when you say you want to keep your marriage. If so, then you have to do a lot of the early heavy work. The problem is: is she afraid that you'll divorce her or is she afraid that she won't be able to stop finding other men.

 

You'll know you've made progress when you find her able to react emotionally to what has happened. The emotion is there or she wouldn't be willing to even discuss what happened or she'd be throwing those events in your face. I read her as showing fear.

 

You are a good man who has chosen a rough road. But many here will be helpful to you. Stay with us and remember, you don't have to do what we recommend.

Edited January 19, 2016 by sidney2718

[M1ke12]

Oh ya. I am a long time member of another forum in my other passion....boating and specifically boat sports. I understand how forums work and to be quite frank......

 

I really appreciate all points of view. Really I need to hear it and I am so attached to the situation its tough to see the picture clearly.

 

I will say....its like week 3 in the whole debacle. With all the crap flying who would make a decision now? Lets get her out of treatment and see what we have.

 

I really feel the people that are so quick with advice for me to "get real" and pull the plug (get a lawyer) have never really experienced mental illness in their lives.

 

But also understand that I have personally been through hell and I worry about my own strength. So yes I will pull the plug when its time.

 

I also live my life with the idea that I don't want to regret any decisions later. This forces me to stay in for the long haul and see it through but also pull the plug when i recognize there is nothing else. Exactly what I did with our daughter. And it paid off. I kicked her out two weeks ago after years of problems. That girl has more positive things to say about the experience!!! LOL it is almost funny to read her texts.

 

Yes part of her "awakenings" was mom's meltdown. Our 12 year old doesnt even really acknolwedge. I know that i need to talk to him and I have tried. I will keep trying.

[Horton]

she didn't tell him she was married and I believe her.

 

I texted him and told him she was an alcoholic and has had a breakdown and slept with 5 guys in two weeks and needed to get tested because I was. Then I threatened him. See my other thread in the Divorce topic for complete story.

 

Unless I'm missing something, I don't see why you're threatening the OM. Your wife claimed to be single, sounds like she practically threw herself at him and he accepted. Did I miss something?

 

I also live my life with the idea that I don't want to regret any decisions later. This forces me to stay in for the long haul and see it through but also pull the plug when i recognize there is nothing else. Exactly what I did with our daughter. And it paid off. I kicked her out two weeks ago after years of problems. That girl has more positive things to say about the experience!!! LOL it is almost funny to read her texts.

 

Yes part of her "awakenings" was mom's meltdown. Our 12 year old doesnt even really acknolwedge. I know that i need to talk to him and I have tried. I will keep trying.

 

The person I most feel for in this situation is your son. His mom's a drunk and driving him around under the influence while having several affairs, on top of exhibiting signs of whatever mental issues she's apparently suffering from, his sister's mental illness is causing problems in his family as well and now his father is desperately trying to fix all of this and is more than likely becoming consumed by it. He's surrounded by people behaving either irrationally or immorally(sometimes both) this does not bode well for his future IMO.

 

You said he doesn't really acknowledge what's going on, he's probably dissociating himself from all of you at this point. And who could blame him? His home life sounds like a mess and it couldn't come at a worse time IMO, he's right at that age where he's becoming vulnerable to the influence of people around him and without a healthy home life he may seek out a new "family" among his peer group, or he may simply disconnect from real life and bury himself in a fantasy world as many people his age do when surrounded by chaos. This could shape the rest of his life in a very unfortunate way if you don't get him some help.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Horton

[M1ke12]

Unless I'm missing something, I don't see why you're threatening the OM. Your wife claimed to be single, sounds like she practically threw herself at him and he accepted. Did I miss something?

 

 

 

The person I most feel for in this situation is your son. His mom's a drunk and driving him around under the influence while having several affairs, on top of exhibiting signs of whatever mental issues she's apparently suffering from, his sister's mental illness is causing problems in his family as well and now his father is desperately trying to fix all of this and is more than likely becoming consumed by it. He's surrounded by people behaving either irrationally or immorally(sometimes both) this does not bode well for his future IMO.

 

You said he doesn't really acknowledge what's going on, he's probably dissociating himself from all of you at this point. And who could blame him? His home life sounds like a mess and it couldn't come at a worse time IMO, he's right at that age where he's becoming vulnerable to the influence of people around him and without a healthy home life he may seek out a new "family" among his peer group, or he may simply disconnect from real life and bury himself in a fantasy world as many people his age do when surrounded by chaos. This could shape the rest of his life in a very unfortunate way if you don't get him some help.

 

I would think it would be obvious but I had to make sure it was over, that they would never contact her again. And if they did contact her knowing that she was married that I wouldn't stand for it. Yes I was angry at both of them. There was a degree of feeling a drive to protect my family. There was a cerebral aspect as well.....I not only threatened them but I let them know (and exaggerated) the number of partners she had over a 2 week period and wanted them to get tested and assured them that I was. (and I did) Again, this was to assure that there would be no further contact.

 

I am extremely worried for my son. Right now I am adjusting to single parenting and that has 2 more weeks. I think priority for him is to get him some counseling too. I think he is at the right age that counseling would be very productive and serve to make him comfortable with counselors for the rest of his life.

 

I was very opposed to counseling when I was young and dumb. And now I see it would have been very good for me. Hindsight and all that.

Edited January 19, 2016 by M1ke12

[M1ke12]

When my wife is out of treatment I am strongly considering having her set her own limitations because I want to see where she is at on improving our relationship.

 

Not that I will accept them as the final limits if they are too lax I will have to set my own and impose them.

 

I just want to see what she puts down and her ideas and gain some insight. I know I will likely have my own to add.

[HereNorThere]

Has it not ever occurred to you that your wife is also a borderline? I mean, these are CLASSIC BPD symptoms and bpd usually runs through families. Scientists are at odds over whether or not it is inherited through genetics or if it has to do with how the child was nurtured, but there strong evidence that BPD is inherited through though families.

 

As far as the zoloft and alcohol, you get into a "which came first, the chicken or the egg" situation. Obviously your wife was having some mental health issues before she started the zoloft or she wouldn't be on it. I think in most of these cases, the medication becomes something easy to blame. It's like saying "100% of people in affairs breath oxygen, so it must be the oxygen."

 

Your wife's symptoms are so severe that it would be fool-hearty think they are just going to go away. You have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life taking care of her as you have decided to do with your daughter. This is something way deeper than anyone is going to be able going to be able to fix. With lots of hard work on her side, it may become manageable, but it will never truly go away. If you are prepared for that, continue this relationship, but please keep your expectations low. This is not something that is curable and you will most likely have lots of set backs.

[M1ke12]

Has it not ever occurred to you that your wife is also a borderline? I mean, these are CLASSIC BPD symptoms and bpd usually runs through families. Scientists are at odds over whether or not it is inherited through genetics or if it has to do with how the child was nurtured, but there strong evidence that BPD is inherited through though families.

 

As far as the zoloft and alcohol, you get into a "which came first, the chicken or the egg" situation. Obviously your wife was having some mental health issues before she started the zoloft or she wouldn't be on it. I think in most of these cases, the medication becomes something easy to blame. It's like saying "100% of people in affairs breath oxygen, so it must be the oxygen."

 

Your wife's symptoms are so severe that it would be fool-hearty think they are just going to go away. You have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life taking care of her as you have decided to do with your daughter. This is something way deeper than anyone is going to be able going to be able to fix. With lots of hard work on her side, it may become manageable, but it will never truly go away. If you are prepared for that, continue this relationship, but please keep your expectations low. This is not something that is curable and you will most likely have lots of set backs.

 

No previous signs of mental illness and certainly not Borderline.

 

She was on the minimal dosage of Zoloft to take the edge off of an anxiety problem she has had since she could remember. example, back in college she would get ill on the day she had to give a speech. A lot of people do, but she was throwing up in the toilet ill.

 

She went on Zoloft because she thought it would help her face parenting a mentally ill kid. When we had to get tough, she used to go in our room and close the door. I called her on it and pressured her to come be a parent. So she decided she needed help.

 

Prior to Zoloft we were a happy couple. After Zoloft, we still were but almost more so? She became a little more free spirited, and fun but only mildly so.

 

This recent behavior is SO bizarre to me.

 

I think she had an affair, couldn't deal with the pressure when I found out only a week into it, and slipped. That would be an expected reaction to that kind of pressure for her. She doesn't deal with stuff and never really has. Quite frankly its time for that to change, and I am kinda tired of making all the decisions.

 

Dragging an opinion out of her is impossible unless its house or decorative related. For example, "Babe, what should we do for our vacation this year" and she would be like, "I dunno, let me think on it" and weeks later I never heard from her so I say, "I really want to go to the cabin again this year", and she would be "OK lets do that"

 

I wanted to think it was because we were so compatible and like minded. Over last years I would be like, "No. Really I really want your opinion, I am tired of making all the decisions"

 

I do dream of the day where she surprises me with something like a vacation....but that would require her to make decisions.....not going to happen.

 

In spite of all this......I LOVE THIS WOMAN and I just want to see her grow. I was well aware of all this when I married her, this behavior would have never driven me to divorce...it was more of an inconvenience. And we all know there is no such thing as a perfect person.

Edited January 19, 2016 by M1ke12

[OldRover]

Has it not ever occurred to you that your wife is also a borderline? I mean, these are CLASSIC BPD symptoms and bpd usually runs through families. Scientists are at odds over whether or not it is inherited through genetics or if it has to do with how the child was nurtured, but there strong evidence that BPD is inherited through though families.

 

As far as the zoloft and alcohol, you get into a "which came first, the chicken or the egg" situation. Obviously your wife was having some mental health issues before she started the zoloft or she wouldn't be on it. I think in most of these cases, the medication becomes something easy to blame. It's like saying "100% of people in affairs breath oxygen, so it must be the oxygen."

 

Your wife's symptoms are so severe that it would be fool-hearty think they are just going to go away. You have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life taking care of her as you have decided to do with your daughter. This is something way deeper than anyone is going to be able going to be able to fix. With lots of hard work on her side, it may become manageable, but it will never truly go away. If you are prepared for that, continue this relationship, but please keep your expectations low. This is not something that is curable and you will most likely have lots of set backs.

 

HereNor,

 

I might respectfully disagree with the notion that people can't be fixed. Her behavior was very short lived... not over a long habit fill time frame. I didn't see and symptoms of BPD, but "may" be an issue. Even if she had a few symptoms, it was a VERY short time and not engrained into her. That's very curable (but does take professional help).

 

While Mike will have to deal with this for awhile, I'm betting that in a few years this will be a faded hiccup in their relationship. Sure, this will be on his mind longer, but not forever.

 

One problems is that he has multiple issues. No doubt about it, the alcohol can be, by far, the worst. Sure, the short term infidelity is horrible and inexcusable, but can be solved fairly quick if she is remorseful and seeks help.

 

The alcohol problem scares me. That's a MAJOR issue. She's apparently had it for awhile. I'm surprised she could hide it, but that says it's certainly not the worse alcoholism. She will need to clearly need to WANT to solve this before it will happen.... however, with work, that can be done. She will need a serious program and have to commit to it. (See my post prior to this regarding requirements... just a start).

 

Yes, this IS and uphill battle, and it won't be easy. The success of this will depend on Mike, her and the support team they use.

[M1ke12]

Dude, you're in shock. I applauded you for not doing anything rash and taking the time to let everything soak in.

 

 

But, you're going on a trip. And it's called the roller coaster of emotions. Now, you can't blame everything on the alcohol and the Zoloft; but, at the end of the day, she made a choice and her choice was to cheat. You can't blame it on the alcohol because she wasn't black out drunk when she did these things. She recalls it all Therefore, she wasn't raped or taken advantage of. She realized that these man had her number and was guarding her phone because she realized what she's done.

 

 

So, you'll be on this roller coaster of emotions. One minute you're okay, the next you'll be crying your eyes out. One minute your happy, then next you're going to be angry as hell. Lot's of up's and downs. So, be mindful of that because it's coming.

 

Oh I know all about that. I have never in my life been so upset crying that I have thrown up in the toilet. My stomach was empty anyways cause I couldnt eat. It has been a horrible experience.

 

Now I am not blaming it all on alcohol/ zoloft. I very much believe that the first affair was a decision made by her.

 

The second and third I just don't know yet. Seems mental to me.

[HereNorThere]

If these aren't BPD symptoms, I don't really know what is. It is a classic, histronic, implusive and reckless meltdown. She didn't cheat with one guy - there is proof that she at least attempted to cheat multiples. Add in the fact that she did it with no protection and birth control (implusive) the acts of child abuse (reckless and impulsive) and the texting of multiple men (histronic) and you have met a big portion of the diagnostic criteria.

 

Most therapist do not think that BPD is curable, so if it is BPD, you will live the rest of your life taking care of her. Even if it is some sort of emotional, axis 1 type issue instead of a personality based, axis 2 type issue, there is still no guarantee that it is curable. Most people manage their depression, but rarely do they cure it.

 

There's also no guarantee that this is the first time any of this has happened. Seeing how comfortable she was with all of it makes you realize that this has more than likely been going on throughout the years, but this time she just decided that she didn't she didn't care if you found out or not. More than likely, she did it to directly punish you for not acknowledging her silent scream for help. There could also be some jealous issues directly related to taking care of the daughter instead of her. Revenge is big with this personality disorder, so it makes sense.

 

BPDs usually trigger around certain events or anniversaries. Since this happened around Christmas, it does fit in like with a classic borderline episode.

 

No matter what the diagnosis, this isn't your typical "I got drunk and did something stupid" situation. There are some severe problems upstairs that will take years of intensive therapy to care for if they can be helped at all. Then when you have to consider the PTSD OP will be left with after it's all over, you are left with a house full of mentally ill. No one will be left unscared after it is all said and done. That fact I can assure you of you.

[OldRover]

If these aren't BPD symptoms, I don't really know what is. It is a classic, histronic, implusive and reckless meltdown. She didn't cheat with one guy - there is proof that she at least attempted to cheat multiples. Add in the fact that she did it with no protection and birth control (implusive) the acts of child abuse (reckless and impulsive) and the texting of multiple men (histronic) and you have met a big portion of the diagnostic criteria.

 

Most therapist do not think that BPD is curable, so if it is BPD, you will live the rest of your life taking care of her. Even if it is some sort of emotional, axis 1 type issue instead of a personality based, axis 2 type issue, there is still no guarantee that it is curable. Most people manage their depression, but rarely do they cure it.

 

There's also no guarantee that this is the first time any of this has happened. Seeing how comfortable she was with all of it makes you realize that this has more than likely been going on throughout the years, but this time she just decided that she didn't she didn't care if you found out or not. More than likely, she did it to directly punish you for not acknowledging her silent scream for help. There could also be some jealous issues directly related to taking care of the daughter instead of her. Revenge is big with this personality disorder, so it makes sense.

 

BPDs usually trigger around certain events or anniversaries. Since this happened around Christmas, it does fit in like with a classic borderline episode.

 

No matter what the diagnosis, this isn't your typical "I got drunk and did something stupid" situation. There are some severe problems upstairs that will take years of intensive therapy to care for if they can be helped at all. Then when you have to consider the PTSD OP will be left with after it's all over, you are left with a house full of mentally ill. No one will be left unscared after it is all said and done. That fact I can assure you of you.

 

HereNor,

First of all, she has minimal symptoms of BPD, and it has been over a VERY short time. If it were serious, symptoms would have been known for some time. It's pretty hard to have and not be notice, especially living with someone. For now, quite curable. Also, FWIW, depression is also curable, and a bunch easier. One can take pills that can often stop, or minimize depression rapidly, but does require a doctors care and monitoring. FWIW, here's the symptoms of BPD:

 

++++++++++

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

And insecurity

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;

 

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

 

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;

 

4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;

 

5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;

 

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

 

7. Low self esteem;

 

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;

 

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;

 

10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;

 

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);

 

12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;

 

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

 

14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;

 

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

 

16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);

 

17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and

 

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.

++++++++

 

ALSO, BDP can be fixed and most professionals agree (just do a simple search). It's not easy, but it is doable. Does take time, and requires professional care. While medicines can't fix it, they can help with related symptoms of depression, anxiety, and others.

 

The person with BPD does need to WANT to be cured and that is often a big issue, and hard to tell them they have this disease. That's probably one of the biggest problems.

 

I been there and done this.... over TWO years of dealing with this, with a loved one. I gave up because the person would not acknowledge this and would fight back. I hated to give up, but the future looked like no solution. It got to the point that I needed professional help to deal with it. Stress and anxiety was off the wall.

 

Now, I don't see it with M1ke12's wife. Sure, she has some signs up depression, unstability and confusion..... and there's something that caused this which is unknown at this time. She does have some issues.... ALL curable, and she will have to want to be cured.

[M1ke12]

If these aren't BPD symptoms, I don't really know what is. It is a classic, histronic, implusive and reckless meltdown. She didn't cheat with one guy - there is proof that she at least attempted to cheat multiples. Add in the fact that she did it with no protection and birth control (implusive) the acts of child abuse (reckless and impulsive) and the texting of multiple men (histronic) and you have met a big portion of the diagnostic criteria.

 

Most therapist do not think that BPD is curable, so if it is BPD, you will live the rest of your life taking care of her. Even if it is some sort of emotional, axis 1 type issue instead of a personality based, axis 2 type issue, there is still no guarantee that it is curable. Most people manage their depression, but rarely do they cure it.

 

There's also no guarantee that this is the first time any of this has happened. Seeing how comfortable she was with all of it makes you realize that this has more than likely been going on throughout the years, but this time she just decided that she didn't she didn't care if you found out or not. More than likely, she did it to directly punish you for not acknowledging her silent scream for help. There could also be some jealous issues directly related to taking care of the daughter instead of her. Revenge is big with this personality disorder, so it makes sense.

 

BPDs usually trigger around certain events or anniversaries. Since this happened around Christmas, it does fit in like with a classic borderline episode.

 

No matter what the diagnosis, this isn't your typical "I got drunk and did something stupid" situation. There are some severe problems upstairs that will take years of intensive therapy to care for if they can be helped at all. Then when you have to consider the PTSD OP will be left with after it's all over, you are left with a house full of mentally ill. No one will be left unscared after it is all said and done. That fact I can assure you of you.

 

I get it, but I am not going to get into armchair diagnosis on this. It was a single event with zero other signs for her entire life.

The stuff I talked about......the reliance on me to make decisions and all that? Isn't nearly severe enough to be categorized as anything other than a personal trait or characteristic.

Edited January 19, 2016 by M1ke12

[M1ke12]

HereNor,

First of all, she has minimal symptoms of BPD, and it has been over a VERY short time. If it were serious, symptoms would have been known for some time. It's pretty hard to have and not be notice, especially living with someone. For now, quite curable. Also, FWIW, depression is also curable, and a bunch easier. One can take pills that can often stop, or minimize depression rapidly, but does require a doctors care and monitoring. FWIW, here's the symptoms of BPD:

 

++++++++++

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

And insecurity

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;

 

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

 

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;

 

4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;

 

5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;

 

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

 

7. Low self esteem;

 

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;

 

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;

 

10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;

 

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);

 

12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;

 

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

 

14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;

 

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

 

16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);

 

17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and

 

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.

++++++++

 

ALSO, BDP can be fixed and most professionals agree (just do a simple search). It's not easy, but it is doable. Does take time, and requires professional care. While medicines can't fix it, they can help with related symptoms of depression, anxiety, and others.

 

The person with BPD does need to WANT to be cured and that is often a big issue, and hard to tell them they have this disease. That's probably one of the biggest problems.

 

I been there and done this.... over TWO years of dealing with this, with a loved one. I gave up because the person would not acknowledge this and would fight back. I hated to give up, but the future looked like no solution. It got to the point that I needed professional help to deal with it. Stress and anxiety was off the wall.

 

Now, I don't see it with M1ke12's wife. Sure, she has some signs up depression, unstability and confusion..... and there's something that caused this which is unknown at this time. She does have some issues.... ALL curable, and she will have to want to be cured.

 

I could check mark almost every item on that list for my daughter. For my wife? Not so much.

[HereNorThere]

I could definitely go on about BPD and how the things posted here are actually outdated and the diagnostic criteria was changed in the DSM-V or about how there are no approved medications or proven therapies for it. (Yes, I know about DBT, but that is not approved in the U.S. as a real therapy and therefore rarely covered by legitimate insurance companies and the few therapist that do practice it have long waiting list and low success rates.)

 

but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. What matters is whether or not you can handle this happening again. Statistically, even mentally healthy cheaters are much likely to cheat again than a person who has never cheated. Add that in with the mental health issue, and you might end up with a 50/50 shot. Some people would think that shot is taking and others wouldn't. It's ultimately up to you as to whether or not your heart can take it happening again.

 

If she truly went 22 years without this ever happening, maybe it's worth it. I just think OP should be realistic about his expectations. This will be a long process that may have some major setbacks. He has a right to guard his heart and prepare for what may happen.

[OldRover]

I could check mark almost every item on that list for my daughter. For my wife? Not so much.

 

Wow, that could be a heads up for your daughter. It IS a serious disease and DOES take some effort. She will have a very difficult time in like with this. Hopefully you can get help. And most daughters love their dads. You could (and probably do) have a major influence on her.

 

Some of the symptoms to REALLY watch for. Depression and anything close to suicidal tendencies are serious. And, if you can recognize that, they are not that hard to fix, or at least control, while she is recovering from all of this.

 

I hate to see young people go through this, especially with depression. They can easily focus on ONE thing that's not good and feel like that's their whole world. They don't see the big picture or the future. They get very intense on things and if they don't get something that they expect or come in last on something or get rejected by peers, it's devastating.... like the end of the world.

 

You may be able to turn your daughter around as an asset in helping your wife... especially if the past has been a good relationship. You might just save two people at one time.

 

BTW, how old is your daughter?

[M1ke12]

Wow, that could be a heads up for your daughter. It IS a serious disease and DOES take some effort. She will have a very difficult time in like with this. Hopefully you can get help. And most daughters love their dads. You could (and probably do) have a major influence on her.

 

Some of the symptoms to REALLY watch for. Depression and anything close to suicidal tendencies are serious. And, if you can recognize that, they are not that hard to fix, or at least control, while she is recovering from all of this.

 

I hate to see young people go through this, especially with depression. They can easily focus on ONE thing that's not good and feel like that's their whole world. They don't see the big picture or the future. They get very intense on things and if they don't get something that they expect or come in last on something or get rejected by peers, it's devastating.... like the end of the world.

 

You may be able to turn your daughter around as an asset in helping your wife... especially if the past has been a good relationship. You might just save two people at one time.

 

BTW, how old is your daughter?

 

She is 19. We already know with my daughter. She has physically attacked me 4x. The first time I restrained her. The second time I took the beating. About 1 month after I had my hip replaced she was trying to hit me in the hip. The next two I restrained her. The last time when I released her she got all the pills she could and took them. I called the ambulance and they got into the bathroom and found her with a knife. She was hospitalized for two weeks and very combative so they wouldn't release her. She finally listened to me and calmed down enough so they could release her. A year went by and no progress all the while refusing vehemently to get help. We kicked her out to regain peace in the house and to shelter our 12 YO. Right before we kicked her out my wife had the Afair.

 

Today I feel like I am barely holding together. My son wanted to go to water polo practice and I didn't even feel like taking him. I didn't sleep well at all last night and I'm exhausted. This affects my mood and spirit. I really needed to go to my yoga class tonight but he needed to go to water polo.

[M1ke12]

Also my daughter moved in with g-paw. It's been good for both of them!

 

But today has been a bad one. I just want to say F- it, and start mountaineering which was my dream in my 30s but saw it as too selfish of a pursuit. But I am super fit and I could do it well especially with the don't give an F attitude that I feel developing.

Edited January 20, 2016 by M1ke12