My wife had an affair [updated]

[renny]

If the goal is to rebuild the marriage then should we have sex this week end when I see her? She will be able to leave for 6 hours and I will have a hotel room.

 

I can see where pushing her away, and also doing things that might allow us to reconnect could help.

 

I don't know which way is better.

 

The power is back in your hands now. I would definitely keep her at arms length. Let her earn your trust back. As for the sex, I would hold off till the healing started. Because every touch and kiss may cause you anger instead of satisfaction, wondering if the others did the same as you.

[M1ke12]

Gotta start taking care of myself.

 

Got up at 4am, drank a pot of coffee. Didn't eat breakfast and wondering why my anxiety is through the roof today? haha.

 

I am in so much pain.

 

Most of this is because I can't even talk to her. It feels very much like she died because A) She changed practically overnight B) Right after all this developed she was taken away from me because she needed a treatment center.

[ShatteredLady]

Both times my H had A/EA he was taking antidepressants. The only times in his life that he has. He became a completely different person. The first time I stayed, despite cruel abuse, because I honestly thought he was having a mental breakdown.

 

He went from being a gentle hippy type guy to a complete a-hole who referred to himself as "The Golden God" while he abused me. He says that (mostly) he recalls things said & done but it's like someone else was doing it. Like a dream almost.

 

I'm not making excuses. The "Affair Fog" & things like that are talked about a lot but his behavior just seemed so much worse & completely out of character. The first time it got so bad that a complete stranger observed us in a shop for about 5 minutes before getting me on my own & handing me an abused woman's rescue shelter card.

 

My H has always generally been considered "The nicest guy in the world". He has his personality issues (well hidden from the outside world) but he really is one of the last men I'd ever expect to be capable of the coldness & cruel abuse...I'm NOT talking about the affairs, just his abuse.

 

I really don't know but I do believe that the medications contributed to his behavior. I think the guilt of the A, breaking his moral code, also played a large part. He did unthinkable things the first time. He was put on antidepressants to help him quit smoking that time....it wasn't a chicken/egg, brain problems & needing meds situation.

Edited January 20, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[drifter777]

Can you get past the sex? You don't seem to care about that part of the story and that's a huge plus for your chances to straighten all this out and restart your marriage. Good luck.

[M1ke12]

Both times my H had A/EA he was taking antidepressants. The only times in his life that he has. He became a completely different person. The first time I stayed, despite cruel abuse, because I honestly thought he was having a mental breakdown.

 

He went from being a gentle hippy type guy to a complete a-hole who referred to himself as "The Golden God" while he abused me. He says that (mostly) he recalls things said & done but it's like someone else was doing it. Like a dream almost.

 

I'm not making excuses. The "Affair Fog" & things like that are talked about a lot but his behavior just seemed so much worse & completely out of character. The first time it got so bad that a complete stranger observed us in a shop for about 5 minutes before getting me on my own & handing me an abused woman's rescue shelter card.

 

My H has always generally been considered "The nicest guy in the world". He has his personality issues (well hidden from the outside world) but he really is one of the last men I'd ever expect to be capable of the coldness & cruel abuse...I'm NOT talking about the affairs, just his abuse.

 

I really don't know but I do believe that the medications contributed to his behavior. I think the guilt of the A, breaking his moral code, also played a large part. He did unthinkable things the first time. He was put on antidepressants to help him quit smoking that time....it wasn't a chicken/egg, brain problems & needing meds situation.

Thank you for sharing that. It must have hurt to even type it because those kinda thoughts have to surface again.

 

I appreciate that someone recognizes the power of these drugs. I doubt one person actually took the time to google, "zoloft makes me drink" and read the horror stories attached. Most of which claim the craving went away when they were off the drug. Its a fact that cannot be ignored in this case. I have spoken to a professor of psychology in the UK about this. Those drugs affect people very differently. Some people do have an insane craving to drink. What follows is hideous.....destroyed lives.

 

I also appreciate that NOW might not be the time to go off zoloft. I think after marriage counseling, if we are still together, that I suggest she do counseling with the soul purpose of going off zoloft.

 

Man I appreciate this post. it helps so much.

Edited January 21, 2016 by M1ke12

[M1ke12]

Can you get past the sex? You don't seem to care about that part of the story and that's a huge plus for your chances to straighten all this out and restart your marriage. Good luck.

 

I want to know why. The physical act doesn't concern me AS MUCH. Yes images haunt me from time to time. My stomach turns when they hit me.

 

Also, she straight up lied and said she was going out with her friends. And she looked excited when she did. That BREAKS my heart. I think its an affirmation thing......our relationship seemed solid...or she is a horrible communicator, either one.

[drifter777]

I want to know why. The physical act doesn't concern me AS MUCH. Yes images haunt me from time to time. My stomach turns when they hit me.

 

Also, she straight up lied and said she was going out with her friends. And she looked excited when she did. That BREAKS my heart. I think its an affirmation thing......our relationship seemed solid...or she is a horrible communicator, either one.

Just don't make any decisions regarding reconciliation yet. Staying by her during this illness is one thing - and I commend you for doing that - but the whole cheating thing needs to be examined from YOUR perspective. A few weeks/months down the road you might begin to allow yourself to feel the full weight of what she did. Blame the drugs for everything? Not so sure that's rational. I could accept that they contributed to lowering inhibitions or craving sex but not give her a pass because of them. If she craved sex then why not crawl all over you? The other stuff I guess you will have to sort out.

 

You are going to give her the benefit of the doubt until some of the story starts to fall apart. Maybe it never will and reconciliation is the path you choose. Just don't promise yourself anything right now.

[M1ke12]

It's not like I'm giving her a pass on this. I do want to save my marriage but it's clear, she lied to me that night and said she was going out with girlfriends. That hurts immensely. That will have to be resolved.

[Whoknew30]

Mike, I'm sorry you're going through this. A very tough situation.

 

I understand that people can be good liars but not to know someone you're living with is an alcoholic for at least two years & seems to me that you were extremely disconnected from her. Right now she's scared & probably for the first time in years, learning to really open up (rehab is all about about opening up) & facing what she's done. They usually have family sessions before you go home, definitely take advantage of that before she leaves, she'll still feel safe there & it will be a little easier at getting the ball rolling for MC.

 

The plus side, it's all now exposed & the hiding (for at least now) is done, which maybe a huge weight off her shoulders. If she stays sober, she's going to be feeling a lot of shame for not just the A but putting her kids in danger. After she's out, she should get a sponsor that she can call when she wants to use.

 

This is going to be a long road bc you have multiple problems going on, you're not going, the most important thing for you & your kids, is to be extremely engaged in what's going on. You're going to get a bit of a different woman back but if all goes well, a better new improved version of her.

 

My family has been through this, it's rough but can end up even better. Good luck

[Horton]

I would think it would be obvious but I had to make sure it was over, that they would never contact her again. And if they did contact her knowing that she was married that I wouldn't stand for it. Yes I was angry at both of them. There was a degree of feeling a drive to protect my family. There was a cerebral aspect as well.....I not only threatened them but I let them know (and exaggerated) the number of partners she had over a 2 week period and wanted them to get tested and assured them that I was. (and I did) Again, this was to assure that there would be no further contact.

 

It sounds like you're gonna have to be her probation officer for the foreseeable future cause even if these OM give up and deem it not worth the hassle, it's not like there isn't a near infinite line of guys ready to sleep with a willing female whether she's married or not. You say you aren't ready to give up on her and that a lesser man would. That's understandable, even commendable, but there also comes a point when the marriage is simply too far gone to be salvaged and when that point comes the lesser man will be the one still trying(all by himself) to put the pieces back together while his wife is still enjoying the single life on his dime.

 

Only you can really decide when that point comes where you can no longer bring yourself to accept the unacceptable from her, but I'd hate to see you here years from now(as I've seen others) posting about how you found more text messages on her phone or used condoms in her purse etc. Some of them almost sound like they're enjoying their new life and all of the drama it brings, what with the way they talk about it, though it's probably just a self defense mechanism to help them cope with the insanity of it all(numbness over despondency.) Either way you don't want to become the guy whose making jokes about his wife's latest affair.

 

Perhaps setting a cut off date sometime down the road where if this isn't "fixed" by then you'll pull the ripcord for the sake of your own sanity might be something worth giving some thought to. Going into this with zero backup plan is like writing a blank check and handing it over to the person who bilked you out of your life savings. They might very well change some day, but it would be unwise to place yourself completely at their mercy and staying with her indefinitely(or however long it takes) no matter how little she changes, is doing just that IMO.

[M1ke12]

It sounds like you're gonna have to be her probation officer for the foreseeable future cause even if these OM give up and deem it not worth the hassle, it's not like there isn't a near infinite line of guys ready to sleep with a willing female whether she's married or not. You say you aren't ready to give up on her and that a lesser man would. That's understandable, even commendable, but there also comes a point when the marriage is simply too far gone to be salvaged and when that point comes the lesser man will be the one still trying(all by himself) to put the pieces back together while his wife is still enjoying the single life on his dime.

 

Only you can really decide when that point comes where you can no longer bring yourself to accept the unacceptable from her, but I'd hate to see you here years from now(as I've seen others) posting about how you found more text messages on her phone or used condoms in her purse etc. Some of them almost sound like they're enjoying their new life and all of the drama it brings, what with the way they talk about it, though it's probably just a self defense mechanism to help them cope with the insanity of it all(numbness over despondency.) Either way you don't want to become the guy whose making jokes about his wife's latest affair.

 

Perhaps setting a cut off date sometime down the road where if this isn't "fixed" by then you'll pull the ripcord for the sake of your own sanity might be something worth giving some thought to. Going into this with zero backup plan is like writing a blank check and handing it over to the person who bilked you out of your life savings. They might very well change some day, but it would be unwise to place yourself completely at their mercy and staying with her indefinitely(or however long it takes) no matter how little she changes, is doing just that IMO.

Yessir all of that is in place now.

 

One more text, one time going out with friends, etc....one time crossing boundaries and I will pull the ripcord. As far as time to work on the marriage, I don't think that it is wise to put any other time limit shorter than a year on this.

 

One thing I can't allow like some people is to live with and be married to a woman that still cheats. There are many people that do. If this was just a huge mistake, we can work it out. besides there are clear signs that something was going on mentally. I need to get to the bottom of that too.

 

We had a fantastic marriage. We are very active people involved in cycling, water sports, boating, hiking, kayaking. We did all that stuff together. We had made plans to start windsurfing this summer. We own a cabin on a lake together.

 

We had a rich and fantastic history, its worth working on.

 

Besides I still don't know what I will have when she gets out.

Edited January 22, 2016 by M1ke12

[JamesM]

If this was just a huge mistake, we can work it out. besides there are clear signs that something was going on mentally. I need to get to the bottom of that too.

 

We had a fantastic marriage.

 

We had a rich and fantastic history, its worth working on.

 

 

If this was a huge mistake and very unlike her and she regrets it and it was driven by the drugs, then yes, getting to the bottom of it would be advisable. If you leave and the above is true, then you will regret not trying one more time.

 

If your marriage had been as fantastic for BOTH of you for 22 years and this was caused by the drugs, then the marriage can be rebuilt. In fact, I think she will love you more because of your commitment to her.

 

And throwing away history is never easy especially if it was real and not a fraud.

 

I applaud your commitment and love. There may be a time that you look at all of what you listed above and decide that it wasn't all that you had thought. Or there may be a time that you are so very grateful that you stayed and rebuilt the marriage.

 

One never knows what the future holds. All that you can do is use today's information to make tomorrow's decisions.

 

If you feel satisfied with the direction you are going, then move forward and ignore those that give you advise to go another way. if you are unsure, then evaluate all information and then decide.

 

Another story. I have a friend who I met about ten years ago online. Her husband had cheated. She didn't know if she should divorce or rebuild. After getting enough information about it all, she decided to stay and rebuild. It took a few years before she was off of the roller coaster, but now she is very happy in her marriage and very happy that she rebuilt it with him. They actually have taught a couple of marriage classes using their experiences to help others. Now they are grandparents.

 

It can go either way, but there are others who took the leap at rebuilding and succeeded.

[M1ke12]

If this was a huge mistake and very unlike her and she regrets it and it was driven by the drugs, then yes, getting to the bottom of it would be advisable. If you leave and the above is true, then you will regret not trying one more time.

 

If your marriage had been as fantastic for BOTH of you for 22 years and this was caused by the drugs, then the marriage can be rebuilt. In fact, I think she will love you more because of your commitment to her.

 

And throwing away history is never easy especially if it was real and not a fraud.

 

I applaud your commitment and love. There may be a time that you look at all of what you listed above and decide that it wasn't all that you had thought. Or there may be a time that you are so very grateful that you stayed and rebuilt the marriage.

 

One never knows what the future holds. All that you can do is use today's information to make tomorrow's decisions.

 

If you feel satisfied with the direction you are going, then move forward and ignore those that give you advise to go another way. if you are unsure, then evaluate all information and then decide.

 

Another story. I have a friend who I met about ten years ago online. Her husband had cheated. She didn't know if she should divorce or rebuild. After getting enough information about it all, she decided to stay and rebuild. It took a few years before she was off of the roller coaster, but now she is very happy in her marriage and very happy that she rebuilt it with him. They actually have taught a couple of marriage classes using their experiences to help others. Now they are grandparents.

 

It can go either way, but there are others who took the leap at rebuilding and succeeded.

 

 

Thanks again. It seems I could have written this myself. A really good friend of mine invited me to his house where he confessed that he had an affair 20 years ago. His wife was there and they both talked very candidly about the whole thing. For this I will always thank them, I owe them a huge amount of gratitude for this kind of support.

 

People are quick to discount the drug part of this. They haven't done the research or talked to the professor in the university at the UK that is just now in the beginning stages of data collection.

 

Zoloft CAN make you drink. It is well documented. Not only that, most of those people that did drink a lot also engaged in VERY risky behaviors. Like my wife, who I know very well, doesn't take risks yet was mixing a drink and taking it to water polo. Handing out her number in a bar to whomever was standing there...I found out she smoked weed that night too....also very unlike her.

 

I need to really stress with her that I would prefer that she goes off the zoloft as things settle down.

 

Maybe meet with her doctor on the issue and I would like to be there.

 

Thats a great idea, I will ask her to set up an appt with her doctor and I would like to be there for it.

 

Now I understand that I may be way off here. Some people will say that I am making excuses. The thing of it is, until its ruled out, I will never know. It is one theory that needs to be put to rest.

 

People on SSRIs involved in risky behaviors is very common.

Edited January 22, 2016 by M1ke12

[JamesM]

Now I understand that I may be way off here. Some people will say that I am making excuses. The thing of it is, until its ruled out, I will never know. It is one theory that needs to be put to rest.

 

 

One thing I have learned (well, hopefully more than one) is that those who disagree will say you are giving excuses and are weak. Those who agree will say you are strong and staying committed.

 

No one knows what you really think except you.

 

If you are content with your choice, then it is not an excuse. It becomes a valid interpretation of the evidence used for a rational decision.

[ShatteredLady]

There are many, many different kinds of medications all with different risks & side-effects. I would definitely inform her doctor & then sit together with him to discuss this.

 

My H didn't start the drinking but the meds definitely effected his behavior & thoughts.

 

I suffer from chronic pain & I've been on some meds (Lyrica, Savella etc) that really messed with my head but I knew it was a risk & told people to 'keep an eye on me'. Many chronic pain sufferers will tell you the same thing. Sometimes there's a LOT of trial & error when it comes to meds.

[M1ke12]

its bad tonight. So much anxiety. Alcohol and lorazpam had no effect. I am spiraling.

 

i see her tomorrow and I need to see love in her eyes but I know it won't be there.

[turnera]

Call someone.

[TX-SC]

Keep your head up brother. Be the strong one here.

[JamesM]

Sorry I wasn't on tonight. Honestly, I have been thinking about you and your situation ever since I first found your thread. Any advice or thoughts I will share. Know that I am willing to offer support if you need it. Feel free to PM me too if you need something.

[Morro72]

I understand that people can be good liars but not to know someone you're living with is an alcoholic for at least two years & seems to me that you were extremely disconnected from her.

Alcoholics can be truly world-class liars and someone who is not an alcoholic and who has no experience with alcoholics is easy for these pros to fool. It does not require extreme disconnection; a normal amount of trust is all it takes.

[sidney2718]

Thanks again. It seems I could have written this myself. A really good friend of mine invited me to his house where he confessed that he had an affair 20 years ago. His wife was there and they both talked very candidly about the whole thing. For this I will always thank them, I owe them a huge amount of gratitude for this kind of support.

 

People are quick to discount the drug part of this. They haven't done the research or talked to the professor in the university at the UK that is just now in the beginning stages of data collection.

 

Zoloft CAN make you drink. It is well documented. Not only that, most of those people that did drink a lot also engaged in VERY risky behaviors. Like my wife, who I know very well, doesn't take risks yet was mixing a drink and taking it to water polo. Handing out her number in a bar to whomever was standing there...I found out she smoked weed that night too....also very unlike her.

 

I need to really stress with her that I would prefer that she goes off the zoloft as things settle down.

 

Maybe meet with her doctor on the issue and I would like to be there.

 

Thats a great idea, I will ask her to set up an appt with her doctor and I would like to be there for it.

 

Now I understand that I may be way off here. Some people will say that I am making excuses. The thing of it is, until its ruled out, I will never know. It is one theory that needs to be put to rest.

 

People on SSRIs involved in risky behaviors is very common.

 

It occurs to me that there may be something else wrong. Is it possible that she is reacting to a sense that you control her life? I'm not saying that you do. I'm asking if it is possible that she thinks that you do.

 

There are a number of hints. Her refusal to make many kinds of decisions is one example. Another is what I see as her attempt to become sexually free of you may be another.

 

Are you seeing a counselor? If not, it might be worth your while to do so. And while you are at it, don't set too many expectations on her behavior that she does not know about. It reminds me of a childhood game some of us played. It was called "mystery poker". It's simple. You don't know the rules. We play. When you break a rule, I call you on it and I win that game.

[M1ke12]

Things went great today. Went to my hotel and talked a bunch. We have a plan in place and she is 100 percent committed to repairing the damage and making certain that it never happens again.

[M1ke12]

And yes we are planning to see a certified EFT therapist.

[TX-SC]

Things went great today. Went to my hotel and talked a bunch. We have a plan in place and she is 100 percent committed to repairing the damage and making certain that it never happens again.

 

Very glad to hear that!

 

So, what's the plan?

[ShatteredLady]

Is she still taking the Zoloft? Do her therapists think it's a good idea to start titrating off? Medications can distance you from your real emotions & severely effect your brain. I'm surprised if alcohol is the only substance reliance being addressed.