Unrequited Love

January 16, 2016

All of this has reminded me of something. I wonder. I lived in London in 1973 and I met a girl who was vacationing from Finland. For the week that she was there, we spent virtually every waking moment together, and when she left, she asked me to come to Finland and rejoin her. I said I would, but once she was gone I decided that, though I liked her a lot, our relationship had essentially been just a tryst that had ended. She wrote me a letter asking when I was coming, telling me that she was lonely for me, and I never responded.

I wonder now if she has carried the same feelings for me that I have for my German girl. God, I hope not! I wouldn't wish this on anyone! When I broke off ties with my German girl, deciding to forget and move on, I didn't know at the time that a love that powerful lasts a lifetime. You can spend your life suppressing those feelings, but there will always be a little ache in your heart.

January 16, 2016

My ex gf sent me a facebook request almost two years ago. I was giddy. I had seen her fb profile pop up on my potential list for some time since we have mutual friends but I never acted. I didn't want to appear to be that desperate ex bf stalker and I guess I wanted to leave things in the past.

We exchanged some harmless messages and she ended up not responding to my last message. I got the hint. Months later I sent her a happy birthday message and we exchanged a couple more harmless messages and again she didn't respond to my last message.

I noticed on her FB profile she has no pictures of her husband but lists him as being married to.

I ended up unfriended her because my wife asked about her being friends on fb and we got in a big fight.

Of course I over analyzed these whole deal. Why did she initially send fb request? Why doesn't she have pics of her with her husband? Why did she stop responding to messages? Both her parents and husbands parents were divorced, does that increase their chances?

January 16, 2016

My ex gf sent me a facebook request almost two years ago. I was giddy. I had seen her fb profile pop up on my potential list for some time since we have mutual friends but I never acted. I didn't want to appear to be that desperate ex bf stalker and I guess I wanted to leave things in the past.

We exchanged some harmless messages and she ended up not responding to my last message. I got the hint. Months later I sent her a happy birthday message and we exchanged a couple more harmless messages and again she didn't respond to my last message.

I noticed on her FB profile she has no pictures of her husband but lists him as being married to.

I ended up unfriended her because my wife asked about her being friends on fb and we got in a big fight.

Of course I over analyzed these whole deal. Why did she initially send fb request? Why doesn't she have pics of her with her husband? Why did she stop responding to messages? Both her parents and husbands parents were divorced, does that increase their chances?

You can ponder all of this forever, but you'll never know until you ask her to meet with you.

January 16, 2016

You can ponder all of this forever, but you'll never know until you ask her to meet with you.

I don't have her phone # or email. We are not friends on fb anymore. I guess I could send her a message on fb but I worry about the potential blow up from that. I already went thru WWIII with my wife last year from our fb messages.

I was thinking a safer way would be to "randomly" run into her but then it could be awkward to explain why I am in her neck of the woods. I have gone out of my way to get gas or stop at the grocery by her locale if I was near her area to increase the probability of a random meeting.

This is embarrassing but many years ago I was curious and drove by her house in a traditional suburban neighborhood. She ended passing me on her street and while I tried to act normal I glanced a peek and she had this look like she recognized me. She ended up moving to another neighborhood on a private road shortly after that. I wonder if they did that b/c they thought I was stalking.

I am beginning to think that if we were meant to meet again I will just have to leave up to the winds of destiny and not put myself out there.

January 16, 2016

Why not refriend her on FB and then send her a private message?

January 16, 2016

Why not refriend her on FB and then send her a private message?

Good idea, the D Train has to make up his own mind. He seems to have more of a issue with his wife.

I could argue to follow the heart, and there's justification for doing that, regardless of all the negative comments here.

I was in a very similar situation to both of you, and at times wish that I had followed the heart. Still do. The one lady I was with for a very short time, I did follow her across country when she changed schools, but I didn't stay.... but should have. She was a clear winner. We did communicate a bit afterwards, but our respective careers were in different directions and places, so it ended. I have, over time, seen and communicated with ex's... no issues, but was very interesting and nice to update ourselves. Glad I did. (and yes, the SO was with me).

Now, I do believe that one should be honest with their SO, and keep her in the loop. And if one want's to chase another, end it with the SO first. Sometimes we find that the grass isn't greener.

Now, keep us posted.

January 16, 2016

Why not refriend her on FB and then send her a private message?

Surely my wife would find out or ask me at some point, then there will be hell to pay. I don't deal with stress well and the last two blow ups over my ex & fb were beyond stressful. Maybe this whole thing is ridiculous in that I should just continue to live out my life in the comfortable routine with my wife & kids.

But then I think, why do I still carry these feelings over this ex? Why is she still in my dreams? No other girls I dated & broke up with had 1% of the effect on me this ex gf did. I have never felt the pure bliss I felt when I was dating this ex gf but is that b/c she was my first love & it was during the care free days of college? It is not looks as my wife is just as attractive.

January 16, 2016

Maybe this whole thing is ridiculous in that I should just continue to live out my life in the comfortable routine with my wife & kids.

Heed my words on this one. The day will come, faster than you think, when it will be too late to do anything. And then you will sit there in your old age recriminating yourself for not having acted when you should have. I'm sure you can think of ways, aside from a hopeful, accidental run in, of meeting up with this girl. If I were you, that's what I would do, and I would be honest and ask her exactly how she feels about you. And then you'll know. And whatever happens, you won't spend the rest of your life wondering what might have happened.

I don't give you this advice lightly, as I am one of the few on this board who knows exactly what you are going through.

And then there is this from OldRover:

I could argue to follow the heart, and there's justification for doing that, regardless of all the negative comments here.

January 16, 2016

Yep, absorb the potential consequences, accept them, lock and load. Move out.

January 16, 2016

Surely my wife would find out or ask me at some point, then there will be hell to pay. I don't deal with stress well and the last two blow ups over my ex & fb were beyond stressful. Maybe this whole thing is ridiculous in that I should just continue to live out my life in the comfortable routine with my wife & kids.

But then I think, why do I still carry these feelings over this ex? Why is she still in my dreams? No other girls I dated & broke up with had 1% of the effect on me this ex gf did. I have never felt the pure bliss I felt when I was dating this ex gf but is that b/c she was my first love & it was during the care free days of college? It is not looks as my wife is just as attractive.

How stressful will it be if you become Facebook friends with this woman and your wife finds out? I agree that this whole thing is ridiculous and not worth the risk. Do you think it would be worth it to add more passion to your marriage rather than seeking out past lovers? You have made a permanent commitment to your wife. Respecting the sanctity of that vow could go a long way.

As a wife and as a woman, it is scary to see how some husbands are willing to add strife and mistrust to their marriages over long lost girlfriends. I can't wrap my head around it.

I once had an ex reach out to me on Facebook. I immediately told my husband about this because I didn't want my hubby to get the wrong idea if I happened to leave my Facebook open one day. My husband was glad I was open about this and said that he trusted me. My ex started to send flirtatious messages and that is when I blocked and unfriended him. I don't slide down slippery slopes. If my husband told me that he didn't want me to talk to my ex, I would respect his wishes and never speak to that ex again.

Edited January 16, 2016 by BettyDraper

January 17, 2016

Montsan, you might like the book "Falling in Love" by Francesco Alberoni. It's a book that describes what causes us to feel what we feel when we fall in love and I think it's what you feel like you are missing in your life. You can Google search for a free PDF version of the book and read it. I think you may like it.

January 17, 2016

While I was in a long term marriage- if I thought for a moment that my then husband needed desperately to contact an old flame, had been obsessing about her and pining away about lost love = that would have been my deciding factor to end the marriage.

Knowing full well he was invested emotionally with her instead of me would make me want to step out of the way and say "have at it".

It's putting your wife second.

Sad for your wife - D Train too.

Well the OP is FAR from what you say. D Train could be different but could elaborate or just start his own thread, but isn't as bad as you point out.

January 17, 2016

I met my first love when I was 14/15. I was VERY old for my age (no problems passing for 21) unconventional, adoring parents, very happy life. He was quite a lot older than me...We mixed in the same pub/band circles...nearly lost his mind when he found out how old I was! Hahaha!

We went to the same places, connected groups of friends, music, bands, art & theater. I made clothes & jewelry & did people's piercings for them! COMPLETELY different life for me!!

He was the bad boy, acoustic guitar, bleeding heart poet. Once we were together he told me that he had loved me from a distance. Our story was...He described me to his friends & they said "Yes! We know her. Looks like Kate Bush (Kids used to tease me about that but to him it was a HUGE compliment!). Never dates anyone. You don't stand a chance!"......So he didn't talk to me for ages BUT the challenge fed his obsession!

He was always respectful, patient (know what I mean!), kind, loving, never hurt me in any way. INCREDIBLY good looking! Wrote poems & songs about me (One was in the music charts in England!). Very similar life & interests (At the time).

He stopped being a bad boy the first time we spoke. I was going through things in my life & he was my rock, my love until I was nearly 21 so basically all my formative years. We lived together for the last few years.

I split with him. He didn't do anything 'wrong'. It was just about me & my very unconventional 'arty' years coming to an end.

Romantic & unforgettable huh?!?

He barely crossed my mind for about 20 years!!! I don't mean romantically, I mean at all! After I met my now H I stopped thinking 'that' way about him at all but I spent so very much of my life with him he would cross my mind, memories, thoughts. The last 10 NEVER that I can recall!

I'd of had to try REALLY hard to picture his face.

My H cheated & broke my heart. I went into complete shock, PTSD, all 'that' stuff us blind-sided BS's know so well. I spent the first few weeks not sleeping or eating & throwing-up a lot. Then I started researching infidelity & 'stuff' on the Internet. I joined a couple of forums. I was loosing my mind & awake pretty much 24/7!

I SEARCHED THE INTERNET FOR MY FIRST LOVE!!!

I haven't confessed that before! I can see his face, his laugh, his body. I could even smell him for a while & remember EXACTLY what it felt like to be held by him.

All I know is the closer I feel to my H the further he disappears into the fog of my past.

I also know that I want to stay married. I HAVEN'T contacted him in any way. Part of me knows that my motives would not be right. I don't mean that I would want anything romantic from it. I mean I would be using him to heal something in ME. He's now a complete stranger who never did me any harm. Why would I drag him into my life?

If he was really someone/something unfinished & essential in my life why didn't I think to contact him to say I was getting married, or pregnant, or holding my babies, living my life? If he was the love of my life he would of at least crossed my mind when I was living the biggest milestones of my life! He NEVER did.

Because I was so broken & lost in my REAL life I was consumed with a time in my life when I was VERY different. When "Two paths diverged in the woods......".

I met & eventually married my H & when I was very happy, that old 'me' was just a mostly forgotten step on my journey to become happy married, Mum, me!

Edited January 17, 2016 by ShatteredLady

January 17, 2016

If she had asked me to, I would have been there in a heartbeat. She remained in Germany to continue with schooling. We wrote a couple of letters to each other, but I'm sure that her feelings for me weren't as strong as my feelings for her, so I decided it would be best to make a break, try to forget her, and move on.

I see, I've had a similar thing happen to me. Fell in love with someone but it wasn't reciprocated, so you're forced to cut lies to stop the heart ache.

January 17, 2016

ShatteredLady..............

Have you reconciled with your husband, then?

January 17, 2016

I just thought of something about my lost love, which isn't unusual, as I've been thinking of her almost continuously for a week now. Again, it is therapeutic for me to write my thoughts down.

Funny thing. We had incredible sex. We did it from every position imaginable and then some, and then we regressed to performing unspeakable acts upon each other that would have made porn stars blush. But I never think about that. Every time I think of her I see her face and hear her soft voice and the way she had of making me feel loved. Oh, god! Will I ever stop thinking about her?! I miss her so much!

Edited January 17, 2016 by Montsan

January 17, 2016

Dammit! I wish I had never found her on Facebook! All these years I figured she was somewhere in Germany, way far away. Whenever I'd think of her over the years, it would be with fond memories, and if I started to dwell on her too much I'd begin to feel an aching in my heart, and then put her out of mind.

But now she's suddenly resurfaced. She's come back. She's real and alive. It's tearing me up knowing that she lives only twelve hours from me. No, I'll never make the drive, but just knowing that she's so close is almost too much to bear.

January 18, 2016

You are idealizing this German woman based on one week of bliss with her. I bet she has more flaws than you think.

Is there any reason why you can't make a conscious decision to focus on your WIFE instead?

If not, do you want to focus on the woman you have promised to love forever?

It's like you are stubbornly clinging to the memory of the German woman without examining what you are missing in your marriage.

Maybe you have been with your wife for too long and you're bored. That's just my opinion; I can't be sure what the real issue is.

Edited January 18, 2016 by BettyDraper

January 18, 2016

Does there have to be a real issue? Maybe the real issue is that I have simply been in love with this girl for most of my life.

January 18, 2016

Does there have to be a real issue? Maybe the real issue is that I have simply been in love with this girl for most of my life.

you met this girl over 35 years ago... & spent a week with her -- what do you know about her? what did you knew THEN about her? what exactly have you been in love with for most of your life when you saw so little of her?

can you point out her virtues & flaws? real ones, of her real character? do you know how she thinks or feels about love & marriage? do you know anything about her family background?

when you spend YEARS pinning for someone... when everything is based on pure lust - it is an issue.

why is it hitting you so hard now? why did you decide to look her up NOW? why not 10, 20 years ago?

January 18, 2016

why is it hitting you so hard now? why did you decide to look her up NOW? why not 10, 20 years ago?

Because it wasn't possible to look her up 10, 20, or even 5 years ago.

January 18, 2016

when you spend YEARS pinning for someone... when everything is based on pure lust - it is an issue.

Maybe you ought to read a bit more of what I've posted before making statements like that.

January 18, 2016

Because it wasn't possible to look her up 10, 20, or even 5 years ago.

Facebook was founded more than a decade ago -- it was definitely well & working 2 years ago... so why did you look her up NOW & not in 2013? why didn't you look her up 9 months ago? why NOW? there has to be a reason - so what is it?

He went to visit one day when her husband was gone and they ended up in bed together. She planned to leave her husband for George but then later told George that her husband had begged her not leave and she decided to stay.

wrong. Gerrie (the woman's name) actually divorced her husband & hooked up with Eiferman. was pregnant & chose her husband (REmarried him) - while keeping the child a secret from Eiferman & only called Eiferman AFTER she was really old & single.

now - from my perspective... that does not even come close to a true love story but to you... it's something you super strongly identify with (even though you've never met Eiferman to talk about how true his love or marriage is or was).

see? another fantasy based on... what exactly?

How different and happier their lives might have been had she followed her heart and left her husband?

how do you know that REMARRYING her husband & going back to him wasn't what her heart was telling her at the time? i will remind you - she was SINGLE when she hooked up with Eiferman. she was married when she MET him but she actually did divorce her husband & only then did she spent one fatal night with Eiferman. while being single and divorced.

did you ignore that detail on purpose because it does not fit your fantasy?

ALSO... how did you go from THIS --

But I've never gotten over the love of my life.

to THIS --

Well, friends and neighbors, my obsession seems to be finally subsiding. In retrospect, "the love of my life" was actually someone I'd thought of fondly on occasion over the years, and each time I'd think of her, I'd wonder where she was, how she was doing, and hoping she had found the happiness she deserves.

in a couple of posts, literally? & now you're back to the "life of my life" feelings?

what exactly do you think you felt for that girl in a week? what feelings you think can, realistically, develop in a week? between two people. just asking in general.

what does LOVE mean to you? how would you define love?

Edited January 18, 2016 by minimariah

January 18, 2016

Yes, I've been fluctuating. I'll go...o.k. I'm o.k. now. I've rationalized it. I'll be better. ................then it will hit me. Not! I bring up her FB page and I'm right back there again.

I am not naïve, I am not impetuous, and I am not a hopeless romantic. I've had more relationships with women ranging from one night stands to a week, to a couple weeks, to a couple months than I'll ever be able to remember. She is the only girl I ever really fell in love with. I had never been in love until I met her. I have been very fond of a lot of girls, but never head over heels in love. I can't help what I feel and all of the counseling and rationalizing in the world isn't going to change that.

January 18, 2016

As to your other question that I'm being lambasted with....I had always assumed my girl was back in Germany and I occasionally did a search in that regard. I never thought of looking on Facebook until just over a week ago Her first and last post on FB was in 2014.

As far as the Eiferman story goes, I related it as well as I remembered it. If I'd known a prosecutor was going to get on the case, I would have certainly researched it more carefully.

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