When Should A Guy Propose?

[newmoon]

he is capable of proposing since he's done it before. and since he hasn't asked you yet... it's probably not something he wants, not something he wants w/you,or he's content w/you just keeping quiet and continuing on as is. smart women don't move in without having this discussion first. 2 years living together... you've already invested a lot of time into this guy. if he doesn't already know that you want marriage you should be bringing that up asap and getting your answer on where he stands, and setting a timeline for the engagement/marriage. i'd be wary of a guy who constantly talks negatively about his ex, or ex's. that's immature, lacks respect for a former partner, and you'll be the 'crazy ex' that is talked about to others just like his ex is badmouthed to you.

[RedRobin]

All of this back and forth doesn't matter. 2.5 years is plenty of time. He knows what you want and doesn't care. He's happy to string you along as long as you let him.

 

My advice? Never live with a man first if you are looking to get married and start a family. Despite so called conventional wisdom, the divorce rate is actually higher for people who wed after living together, and those who never wed? Well, you already stated you don't want to be in that boat.

 

Make plans to move out ASAP and don't date or make commitments to washy washy men who aren't interested in building a life with someone.

[RedRobin]

What's wrong with that? If he's healthy and has money, what's the problem?

 

Because autism and other birth defects suck, and being an older parent to a bio kid isn't fair.

 

Get real guys... You don't have forever to have a family either, in spite of all the garbage in tabloids and movies telling you otherwise.

[Qboro90]

Qboro: Do you see in OP's boyfriend behavior ANY of the dedication you had-have for your girlfriend?

 

I did not mean to put you on the defensive. OP's boyfriend is not saying or doing ANY of the things you are doing with your girlfriend. Do you see that?

 

Im aware of that, however he also isn't doing or saying anything to make her think that he's not dedicated to her and only her and doesn't want her in his future. They haven't had an honest conversation where she reasonably explains her position and what she wants/looking for.

 

If she sits down with him and says "I love you, I want to be with you forever. I'm not askin you to marry me tomorrow, but I need to know if you have that goal for us in the somewhat near future. I'm not asking you for a kid tomorrow, but you're 35 so it's smart to think about whether you want to be a father for the first time when you're 40. I understand you had a bad experience with your last gf. But I'm not her. If you honestly don't know what you want and are unsure about marriage and kids then please have the respect and care to tell me that now and allow me to decide what I should do in my own life"

 

Then if he says he doesn't know, she can know that she's making the right move in stepping away. But doing so now is just immature having invested so much time with the guy already. It's not easy to just end relationships with people you love. It is easier when you know that staying with them isn't going to change their stance on marriage or kids and he things you want in your life soon.

[Gaeta]

If she sits down with him and says "I love you, I want to be with you forever. I'm not askin you to marry me tomorrow, but I need to know if you have that goal for us in the somewhat near future. I'm not asking you for a kid tomorrow, but you're 35 so it's smart to think about whether you want to be a father for the first time when you're 40. I understand you had a bad experience with your last gf. But I'm not her. If you honestly don't know what you want and are unsure about marriage and kids then please have the respect and care to tell me that now and allow me to decide what I should do in my own life"

 

She did that already and more than once:

 

Anytime I talk about it he gets defensive & says I am putting him under pressure

 

How many conversation is a woman suppose to have?

 

She has done enough. He's not even considerate enough of her feelings to open an honest conversation when she begs for one.

[katiegrl]

I completely agree about spending on a wedding. I think it's such a waste of money to spend so much on 1 day in your lives. We'd rather dedicate that money to a house and savings for our future.

 

That being said, she does want to have a wedding with about 100 people so I want to give her that and be able to look back on the day fondly. Just doing something cheap for the sake of it is not what I'm speaking about.

 

 

-----

 

*** It's the financial stability I want to start my marriage with . Instead of burdening my future with with the financial bills and obligations because I wasn't prepared due to getting married 8 months too soon.

 

So was it a psychological thing then? Because you would actually be able to save more money (for your future) by being married, rather than if you both remained single.

 

Rent, living expenses, taxes breaks, etc., etc etc.

 

Or did you not appreciate the pressure she was putting on you? Sort of a power struggle?

 

Cause you said as soon as she stopped pressuring you (and essentially acquiesced to what you wanted, which was to wait) ....you proposed eight weeks later.

 

And your financial situation stabilized too? To the point where you were financially prepared to get married only eight weeks later? Wow that's a pretty fast finacial turnaround IMO. If, in fact, that is why you wanted to wait.

 

Sorry for all the questions, just bit confused by what was truly going on, tis all.

Edited January 11, 2016 by katiegrl

[Rachel 20166]

Im aware of that, however he also isn't doing or saying anything to make her think that he's not dedicated to her and only her and doesn't want her in his future. They haven't had an honest conversation where she reasonably explains her position and what she wants/looking for.

 

If she sits down with him and says "I love you, I want to be with you forever. I'm not askin you to marry me tomorrow, but I need to know if you have that goal for us in the somewhat near future. I'm not asking you for a kid tomorrow, but you're 35 so it's smart to think about whether you want to be a father for the first time when you're 40. I understand you had a bad experience with your last gf. But I'm not her. If you honestly don't know what you want and are unsure about marriage and kids then please have the respect and care to tell me that now and allow me to decide what I should do in my own life"

 

Then if he says he doesn't know, she can know that she's making the right move in stepping away. But doing so now is just immature having invested so much time with the guy already. It's not easy to just end relationships with people you love. It is easier when you know that staying with them isn't going to change their stance on marriage or kids and he things you want in your life soon.

 

 

I have recently had the calm sit down conversation with him. He says he wants it in the future with me and he does want to have children. But has no "plans" on when this will be etc etc. - what does that even mean.

 

I don't really think that's good enough. Obviously he is being honest or he is just doing it to string along. I don't want to get engaged and be married with a kid in 1 year. I would just like to know we are moving forward to that direction.

 

I agree that currently he has what he wants, and maybe isn't thinking about further down the line, however I think about what I want and if he isn't in the same boat I think I may just put my own mental time limit on things and move on if nothing transpires. As much as I don't want to leave, I need to put number 1 first just as he is doing. ;)

 

(I would also add that there already is a big house, successful business & the option to have either large expensive wedding or a small family gathering - small being my preference. So "saving up" is not an excuse.

[TaraMaiden2]

I have recently had the calm sit down conversation with him. He says he wants it in the future with me and he does want to have children. But has no "plans" on when this will be etc etc. - what does that even mean.

It means "I am adopting a delaying tactic, because I really don't know what I want, but I still want you around for the good times".

 

I don't really think that's good enough. Obviously he is being honest or he is just doing it to string along.

I don't think he's being honest, with either you OR himself. I don't think he is consciously 'stringing you along' but I DO think he probably feels as if you're backing him into a corner, so he's making placatory comments in order to gain breathing space and get you to back off. Again.

 

I don't want to get engaged and be married with a kid in 1 year. I would just like to know we are moving forward to that direction.

Possibly, you are. BUt not at a pace that you're comfortable keeping, obviously. And don't forget, he can father kids basically right into his mid-sixties... You're on a healthy time-limit....

 

I agree that currently he has what he wants, and maybe isn't thinking about further down the line,

Oh, on the contrary, I'm sure he is. And I think he's thinking he just likes the status quo exactly as it is right now.

 

however I think about what I want and if he isn't in the same boat I think I may just put my own mental time limit on things and move on if nothing transpires.

Er... you've had this long.... and if his response has been vague, how much longer do you feel you want to cling on, just because it's comfortable and you hate to leave?

Nothing will change between now and then, no matter what your 'mental time limit'....

 

As much as I don't want to leave, I need to put number 1 first just as he is doing.

Then I am of the opinion that number one needs to be put first sooner, rather than later.

[BettyDraper]

I have recently had the calm sit down conversation with him. He says he wants it in the future with me and he does want to have children. But has no "plans" on when this will be etc etc. - what does that even mean.

 

I don't really think that's good enough. Obviously he is being honest or he is just doing it to string along. I don't want to get engaged and be married with a kid in 1 year. I would just like to know we are moving forward to that direction.

 

I agree that currently he has what he wants, and maybe isn't thinking about further down the line, however I think about what I want and if he isn't in the same boat I think I may just put my own mental time limit on things and move on if nothing transpires. As much as I don't want to leave, I need to put number 1 first just as he is doing. ;)

 

(I would also add that there already is a big house, successful business & the option to have either large expensive wedding or a small family gathering - small being my preference. So "saving up" is not an excuse.

 

Glad that you realize he is just stringing you along.

 

Everyone thinks that "selfish" is such a dirty word but selfishness can be a good thing at times. Men are notorious for only thinking of themselves so women should do the same, especially when it comes to romantic relationships and planning for our lives.

 

Move on. Today. If he wants you, he will propose after you leave him. You may not want to accept a proposal under such circumstances but I have seen that scenario play out many times. My own husband had some commitment problems and he changed his tune after I finally left and started dating others. I made my husband prove that he was actually serious instead of just going back to him after he said that he missed me.

[Qboro90]

So was it a psychological thing then? Because you would actually be able to save more money (for your future) by being married, rather than if you both remained single.

 

Rent, living expenses, taxes breaks, etc., etc etc.

 

Or did you not appreciate the pressure she was putting on you? Sort of a power struggle?

 

Cause you said as soon as she stopped pressuring you (and essentially acquiesced to what you wanted, which was to wait) ....you proposed eight weeks later.

 

And your financial situation stabilized too? To the point where you were financially prepared to get married only eight weeks later? Wow that's a pretty fast finacial turnaround IMO. If, in fact, that is why you wanted to wait.

 

Sorry for all the questions, just bit confused by what was truly going on, tis all.

 

We both lived at home at the time so saving money was far easier to do that way than being married.

 

I didn't appreciate the pressure she was putting on me after I had been very clear and honest about my intentions and goals for our future and why I was looking to wait a year to do so. When someone tells you "no you're right I understand what you're saying, it's the smart thing to do, I'll be more supportive" and then 2 weeks later is bringing up why it's not happening sooner, again and again... Then yes, it wasn't appreciated.

 

I exaggerated the time it took me to propose after she got behind me for the sake of keeping my reply concise. I started in February and ended up proposing in June. Since I'm in a sales industry, one good month above quota can result in a substantial financial gain. I got off to an outstanding start in my new position so I was able to speed up my proposal process. Ideally I would have liked to wait that year in order to understand the yearly potential of my territory and forecast for years to come (which is impossible to do until you actually spend a year there) but since I was making good money I took the plunge because it wasn't as high risk financially as it had been the day I started. Since its been about a year now I can see that I'm in a place where I know what I can expect to make in 2016 and where my opportunities are. Which is what I wanted the time to figure out last year and explained to her.

 

No reason to apologize. I get why you wanna find that "gotcha" moment but I assure you it's not there.

[sandylee1]

A lot of good points have been raised so far..... but I personally think he's a bit scared of the marriage commitment. For your own sanity though... it's best to stop mentioning it to him and have your own mental timeline.

 

I think if men were the ones who got pregnant and had kids.. they would probably think differently. Conception is harder the older you get for women and that is a genuine fear for many when they think of marriage. Yes.. I know you can have kids without marriage..but it's not everyone's choice to do so. Furthermore.... your chances of marriage after kids is not fantastic..especially if the guy was delaying before that.

 

One of my coworkers has just been proposed to after 16 years with the guy.. why should it take that long. It will be at least one year of engagement.. and another year older for her... so when people are down at the fertility clinic and complaining that their wife is moody ... think about how all those years may have contributed to kids not coming when you want them.

 

Biology plays a large part in this...not to forget that the signs of childbirth are only evident on women.

 

When my now husband was wanting us to buy a house and no mention of marriage in the near future.. I told him we should take a break from each other.... I wasn't about to play wife..without being a wife. I was more than ready to end the relationship and move on... I wasn't wasting any more time.

 

He was tearful and didn't want to end it.. not long after he proposed. He knew damn well that I was good for him, from a good family and having seen all his brothers just 'live with' women and never marry them..even after having kids.. I wasn't about to be a fool.

 

Truth be told I had a couple of other guys very interested in me.... so I knew I'd be fine.