When Should A Guy Propose?

[Gaeta]

Here is something to read on the subject:

 

The Most Important Dating Advice You?ll Ever Hear ? Don?t...

[SmartDude]

Never.

 

Marriage is not about love.

It is a financial contract. Signing it means you give all power over your relationship over to the state and are subject to its laws.

[Maggie4]

Why would this not be a valid concern? Marriage involves gifting half of your assets and if finances are imbalanced, there is considerable risk, with nothing in return. Adultery doesn't penalize people in divorces and divorces are a dime a dozen, so it doesn't mean commitment either.

 

Nothing wrong with a longterm relationship without a financial contract.

 

It is a valid concern. Just stating a valid concern here.

[katiegrl]

Long story short we communicated , she got supportive and said she'd be by my side forever, ring or no ring, house or not house. I proposed 8 weeks later.

 

 

I hope you realize your girlfriend took a huge risk by giving up what she wanted in favor of what you wanted -- and making you comfortable.

 

Because fact of the matter is.... there are, in fact, many many men who are more than happy to string their girlfriends along for years sometimes...leading them to think they will marry them "someday," but never do.

 

I get you're not like that Qboro.... but many men are.

 

I am glad it all worked out for you though and that you eventually proposed....she must be thrilled -- have you guys set a date?

 

I DO agree however that constantly bringing it up is an exercise in futility. As I said earlier, OP, your boyfriend has already told you he considers your constantly wanting to discuss this as nagging....so it would probably be wise to stop doing that.

 

As I also said earlier, .... give yourself a mental deadline (say within the next year) and if he does not propose within the year, then walk.

 

Or walk now, which is what I personally would do.

 

IMO Qboro is a rarity. Most guys who continue to say "maybe someday" are just stringing you along....but if you want to give it a bit more time, it's up to you.

 

Just stop nagging him about it -- you are actually pushing him away by doing this.

 

Good luck.

[truth_seeker]

Which are broken and contested all the time. Add in legal fees and emotional stress. And what was gained exactly? False commitment? If marriage was a real commitment, there wouldn't be affairs or divorce. Marriage is simply a financial contract.

 

Her being 26 and doing well for her age is great. However, she is likely less than him.

 

If he wants to marry her but is holding up in fear that she'll stake claim to his assets, then her proposing a pre-nup is a good move. Also, it's a test to see how he responds. It takes the fear of losing his assets off the table.

[truth_seeker]

All I read in your situation is a man coming up with excuses to not getting married. If you love her then go to your city hall and get married. Then build a life and work at getting your dream home TOGETHER.

 

Makes me role my eyes when I read men not wanting to get married because they're waiting after:

 

* Better job

* more money

* better situation

* enough money to buy a home

 

Those are all excuses.

 

You're not suppose to build your dreams before marrying. You're suppose to marry THEN build your dreams together.

 

I was believing Qboro for a bit but you're ultimately right. You love someone, and want to be with them, no excuses not to marry them.

[mineral27]

All I read in your situation is a man coming up with excuses to not getting married. If you love her then go to your city hall and get married.

 

@Gaeta

 

He proposed to her, didn't he?

Many women think if their man wants to marry them, then he needs to propose/marry her this very second. This is very idealistic, to put it mildly.

This seems to be your logic and logic of many women, but this is not the same for everyone and it doesn't mean there's something wrong if people think differently.

Having job security before building a house and having kids IS smart, and for many, a must in these times.

He proved those weren't just excuses and you still refuse to accept the fact that some people may have different perceptions than you, because you condition everything with your bad experience. I am sorry you had to go through that, but not every man is like your ex.

 

Pushing and pressuring with marriage might ultimately lead to the opposite (even if gender roles are reversed of course!).

If concerns for delay are legitimate (and Qboro's were) and the impatient partner shows frustration and selfishness instead of understanding and support, they're only driving their SO away ... it's not that surprising, really. If a person is pressured with marriage all the time, they start to wonder if their SO only wants a ring on the finger from the first person that's willing to give it to them, or a life with them specifically - and that's a huge deal!

Funny, I don't know if you noticed, but Qboro proposed soon after she stopped pressuring him and reassured him that she wants to be with him, no matter what. Coincidence? I think not!

 

I couldn't agree more with what he said at the end, he makes perfect sense:

 

if you'd break up with someone who 10 seconds ago you wanted to marry as soon as possible.... Then you don't love the man, you love the concept of being able to have a wedding and get a ring.

 

Many women are so impatient to have their checklist completed (the ring, the wedding) that it might be the sole thing that drives their man away ...

Edited January 9, 2016 by mineral27

[wb1988]

"too much at stake to get married ( business/house )."

 

That sounds like he's afraid you'll take his assets.

 

Yeah, cuz no girl has ever done that right? :mad:

[venusishername]

I have been dating a guy (35) for 2.5 years now. Living together for about 2 years and he has not proposed.

Should I leave now, put a time scale on it, any ideas??

 

I'm sorry, Rachel. I was in your shoes before. In my personal experience, living together before engagement or marriage was the biggest mistake I ever made. From what you described, it sounds like you rushed to move in far too soon, after only 5 months or so?

 

 

My suggestion? Move out, and if you want to stay together, give him an ultimatum, and FOLLOW THROUGH with it.

Tell him you want marriage, and would like to start your life with him, but if he isn't ready, then you need to move on. Marriage doesn't follow living together, just because you are dating.

In fact, I refuse to live with a guy ever again until I have a wedding date, or he's actually my husband. I learned the hard way.

 

 

My old fashioned and super conservative stepfather used to tell me 'at 2 years, you make it or break it' (meaning the relationship). And he was dead against me living with my ex before I had a ring. Guess what? I never got that ring and I lived with him for 2 years too long.

 

 

His mindset is: he's comfortable, why change anything?

And... it's just terrible, but some men are too cowardly to end the relationship if they know they don't want to marry the girl, but like her enough to stay with her, without commitment.

 

 

Your issue can be easily resolved, but it may not get you the result you are after.

[No_Go]

C'mon, as if men don't do exactly the same.

 

She's 26 and successful business woman!

 

No where in this thread she says he's much better off than her, I suspect it could be the opposite.

 

Yeah, she's 26, he's 35 so what?? My first BF was 18 years older than me and.. broke. Second one: my age, and I was supporting him 100% (when I rarely refused, he'd cry off money from his mommy). Current: 7 years older, but I have 3-4 times more savings than him. Where the age and gender are factored here?

 

Yeah, cuz no girl has ever done that right? :mad:

[thecrucible]

Actually my biggest fear is to end up in a long term relationship which isn't going anywhere. But I don't set an arbitrary time limit as long as it feels as if the relationship is progressing. Couples want to wait until they are able to afford things like a property to live in together. I have a couple of friends who are just about to buy a house together. They have been together for 6 years so they will probably end up engaged after the house is sorted. Many people choose to live together first before they get married.

 

Personally I would want to get married. I know it's just a piece of paper but I think that piece of paper would make it less likely for the guy to just up and leave plus it provides a strong environment for children. I've not been in the situation to consider marriage with anyone before so this is all hypothetical of course.

[Amelie1980]

Actually my biggest fear is to end up in a long term relationship which isn't going anywhere. But I don't set an arbitrary time limit as long as it feels as if the relationship is progressing. Couples want to wait until they are able to afford things like a property to live in together. I have a couple of friends who are just about to buy a house together. They have been together for 6 years so they will probably end up engaged after the house is sorted. Many people choose to live together first before they get married.

 

Personally I would want to get married. I know it's just a piece of paper but I think that piece of paper would make it less likely for the guy to just up and leave plus it provides a strong environment for children. I've not been in the situation to consider marriage with anyone before so this is all hypothetical of course.

 

You dont have to buy a house to be married and have children.

 

You can marry and rent etc.

 

Just more excuses.

[Amelie1980]

Here is something to read on the subject:

 

The Most Important Dating Advice You?ll Ever Hear ? Don?t...

 

Hmmm.

 

So the advice is to be a yes girl? And to be cool?

 

Just being a yes girl may give the impression you are not interested in them. After the first few dates, I think it is reasonable to be take some lead in the matter or you will give the impression you are not interested in them.

 

Being cool is another way of just letting things slide.

 

I didnt achieve anything in life by being a yes girl. Waiting for someone else to make all the choices.

[Amelie1980]

Following on from the house point.....not everyone can afford to buy a home.

 

You are allowed to get married when you dont own a home you know! You are allowed to have children if you dont own a home too. Life isnt perfect and you dont have to have a home with a picket fence before marrying.

 

Or if you dont want to have children until you own a home....you can still marry while renting.

[Amelie1980]

Never.

 

Marriage is not about love.

It is a financial contract. Signing it means you give all power over your relationship over to the state and are subject to its laws.

 

This is also very true.

 

One of my friends from college opened up to me recently. His wife has been having an affair. He is devastated. He is dealing with it by trying to get her to stop but she has hidden what is going on and it has been several months now.

 

I asked him why he didnt just leave her and divorce her. The courts dont penalize adultery was the answer. She doesnt work while he works hard full time for to pay for the home, the car, the kids, etc. He wont divorce her as he knows the courts will prioritize the children as their welfare comes first naturally.

 

He will have to move out of the home, leave her and the children living in it and pay for it until they grow up and he will also have to afford a home for himself to live in too. How would he live a reasonable standard while paying for two homes. It is why he wont leave her. He still loves his wife and he reasons that staying out in his home with his kids is better than having to lose out financially.

 

Getting married sometimes just means you hand over any further decisions about your life to the state.

Edited January 9, 2016 by Amelie1980

[TheFinalWord]

I have been dating a guy (35) for 2.5 years now.

 

Living together for about 2 years and he has not proposed.

 

I have raised the topic with him - he claims he is in no major rush & has too much at stake to get married (business/house etc).

 

He has been engaged before & that didnt work out - mainly because I have heard she was absolutely crazy. :laugh: I am constantly told about his "bad" experience before. All of his friends comment on how I am much nicer as a person.

 

I am 26 and in an ideal world I would like to have a child before I hit the 30. :bunny: I have never even considered the thought of having children with someone before so its a big thing for me too!

 

Anytime I talk about it he gets defensive & says I am putting him under pressure. Really I just want to know if we are going anywhere in the future as I don't want to wait for another 5 years and still no. He attends multiple "stag" parties per year so I would of thought it was his time too!

 

We have traveled the world together, spend all of our time together & also have 2 cats.

 

Just wandering on what the thoughts are here?

Should I leave now, put a time scale on it, any ideas??

 

There is no way for you to pressure him into marriage. You have different life goals. Nothing you can say will change his mind any more than anything he can say would change your mind (as evidenced by this post). I think the general concept of do you want marriage someday should come up earlier in the dating process. It is a bit like having two different religions, saying we are going to have kids together, and waiting until the kids are born to debate which religious philosophy you are going to teach your children. The time for those questions is early in the dating process, once exclusivity is agreed upon IMHO. That way you know is this person compatible in the long term.

 

Personally, I've never understood why it takes people years of dating to figure out if they want to get married (maybe someone can clue me in). I can tell in 6 months if the relationship has the potential for a life long partnership. Especially, if you're already living together. What is the difference at that point, aside from you have not entered into a financial contract. That and perceived societal elevation that goes with being married.

 

A bit of other advice about men. When we hit 30 or so, we are basically set in our ways. What you see is what you get. Yes, he should know by now what he wants and he does. It's not marriage. That baggage from the other relationship is just an excuse. If you are really wanting marriage from this guy, you said you spend all your time together. Well there is a saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Right now you are giving him all the benefits of a wife, with none of the commitment. Before ditching him totally, try a break. He might realize what he has once its no longer convenient and given with no strings attached.

 

PS: two cats don't matter to a guy. Dogs are a man's best friend. We don't care about cats, if you had said two dogs, you might have some leverage. lol j/k

Edited January 9, 2016 by TheFinalWord

[TaraMaiden2]

......A bit of other advice about men. When we hit 30 or so, we are basically set in our ways. What you see is what you get. Yes, he should know by now what he wants and he does. It's not marriage. That baggage from the other relationship is just an excuse. If you are really wanting marriage from this guy, you said you spend all your time together. Well there is a saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Right now you are giving him all the benefits of a wife, with none of the commitment. Before ditching him totally, try a break. He might realize what he has once its no longer convenient and given with no strings attached.

 

I would very strongly advise against this.

It's just another form of manipulation.

 

"I'm going away for a while. Just see how much you like it without me. I'll come back, but only if you agree to do what I would like."

 

No, I think the only way through this is to be direct and up-front.

Incidentally, I note the OP hasn't come up with the 5 sound reasons to get married yet.....

 

Until she does, she has little or no handle to grasp, in order to convince her partner that it would be a more sound idea to get married.

[TheFinalWord]

I would very strongly advise against this.

It's just another form of manipulation.

 

"I'm going away for a while. Just see how much you like it without me. I'll come back, but only if you agree to do what I would like."

 

No, I think the only way through this is to be direct and up-front.

Incidentally, I note the OP hasn't come up with the 5 sound reasons to get married yet.....

 

Until she does, she has little or no handle to grasp, in order to convince her partner that it would be a more sound idea to get married.

 

Good point. I'm with you and prefer the rip the band off fast and get it over with quickly approach.

[ManyDissapoint]

 

I would confess to having the same thoughts. I do alright in terms of money, have decent savings, could buy a house with a bit more savings. One of the guys I was dating was useless with money and saved nothing. It did occur to me that marrying him would give him entitlement to half on any assets but I would have been putting down most of the money for it.

 

Not. A. Chance. In Hell.

 

Indeed. Divorce law has ruined marriage.

[TaraMaiden2]

Indeed. Divorce law has ruined marriage.

 

Well isn't that funny (ironic).

We get an awful lot of guys lamenting how the Law is weighted towards benefitting the woman and how they lose out, and how they become financially castrated. How current divorce laws (and we're talking specifically America and/or UK, here....) have emasculated men and made them socially weaker.

 

Yet, the world of Law is still very male-driven. Those who make the Laws are Chiefs of Law - judges and advocates, and Politicians. The vast majority of whom, are male.

 

How do we explain this?

Simple.

They recognise that for too long, men dominated the social profiles of their wives and children.

Such laws (with regard to the historical timeline of marriage and relationships) are extremely recent.

 

In other countries, women still do not fare as well.

 

If these are sufficient grounds therefore, for the OP's partner to resist marriage, they would seem to originate from geography and Current Affairs....

[Qboro90]

All I read in your situation is a man coming up with excuses to not getting married. If you love her then go to your city hall and get married. Then build a life and work at getting your dream home TOGETHER.

 

Makes me role my eyes when I read men not wanting to get married because they're waiting after:

 

* Better job

* more money

* better situation

* enough money to buy a home

 

Those are all excuses.

 

You're not suppose to build your dreams before marrying. You're suppose to marry THEN build your dreams together.

 

If that's ALL you read then it just shows how short sighted and limited your views are.

 

If I love her? The way I treated and cared for her over the course of 4 years is how she knows I love her. Marriage isn't a test you just hastily take to prove that your feelings are legitimate. Why would I want to head down to City Hall as if I'm going to run an errand and just legalize a marriage to have the title.

 

My gf has an idea of a wedding she wants to have in a particular place where we can share the most important day of our lives together with our friends and family. As opposed to having our number called by some random justice of the peace and then leaving so the next couple can go say their vows.

 

I get that you think all men are scumbags and carry your past break up around with you on a daily basis letting it subconsciously affect every aspect and emotion of your life as well as the interactions that are in it.

 

And amazingly enough, there are real world hurdles and issues that people go through in their lives which are legitimate reasons. What if I was diagnosed with cancer last year instead? Guess that chemo and radiation would just be "excuses" I'm using to postpone. Smh.

 

If you want to choose the idiot who jumps into marrying you, but hasn't prepared whatsoever for the financial obligations and responsibilities which will dictate what kind of life you can have daily as newlyweds... Then be my guest.

You might have the ceremony and the apartment a year earlier. But my future wife and I will have the house and extended honeymoon to look forward to because the

[Amelie1980]

If that's ALL you read then it just shows how short sighted and limited your views are.

 

If I love her? The way I treated and cared for her over the course of 4 years is how she knows I love her. Marriage isn't a test you just hastily take to prove that your feelings are legitimate. Why would I want to head down to City Hall as if I'm going to run an errand and just legalize a marriage to have the title.

 

My gf has an idea of a wedding she wants to have in a particular place where we can share the most important day of our lives together with our friends and family. As opposed to having our number called by some random justice of the peace and then leaving so the next couple can go say their vows.

 

I get that you think all men are scumbags and carry your past break up around with you on a daily basis letting it subconsciously affect every aspect and emotion of your life as well as the interactions that are in it.

 

And amazingly enough, there are real world hurdles and issues that people go through in their lives which are legitimate reasons. What if I was diagnosed with cancer last year instead? Guess that chemo and radiation would just be "excuses" I'm using to postpone. Smh.

 

If you want to choose the idiot who jumps into marrying you, but hasn't prepared whatsoever for the financial obligations and responsibilities which will dictate what kind of life you can have daily as newlyweds... Then be my guest.

You might have the ceremony and the apartment a year earlier. But my future wife and I will have the house and extended honeymoon to look forward to because the

 

If two people really love each other, a quiet small wedding and an apartment are enough.

 

Stuff is just stuff.

 

I also find spending a shed load of cash on a huge white wedding and extended honeymoon hugely stupid and irresponsible. Youve got a whole lifetime to cater for and tens of thousands of dollars is spent on one day of it. that will dictate the life you have as newlyweds....paying off a huge wedding.

 

Why is the kind of life you have as newly weds more important than your lifestyle while living together unmarried.

Edited January 9, 2016 by Amelie1980

[Gaeta]

If that's ALL you read then it just shows how short sighted and limited your views are.

 

If I love her? The way I treated and cared for her over the course of 4 years is how she knows I love her. Marriage isn't a test you just hastily take to prove that your feelings are legitimate. Why would I want to head down to City Hall as if I'm going to run an errand and just legalize a marriage to have the title.

 

My gf has an idea of a wedding she wants to have in a particular place where we can share the most important day of our lives together with our friends and family. As opposed to having our number called by some random justice of the peace and then leaving so the next couple can go say their vows.

 

I get that you think all men are scumbags and carry your past break up around with you on a daily basis letting it subconsciously affect every aspect and emotion of your life as well as the interactions that are in it.

 

And amazingly enough, there are real world hurdles and issues that people go through in their lives which are legitimate reasons. What if I was diagnosed with cancer last year instead? Guess that chemo and radiation would just be "excuses" I'm using to postpone. Smh.

 

If you want to choose the idiot who jumps into marrying you, but hasn't prepared whatsoever for the financial obligations and responsibilities which will dictate what kind of life you can have daily as newlyweds... Then be my guest.

You might have the ceremony and the apartment a year earlier. But my future wife and I will have the house and extended honeymoon to look forward to because the

 

I am interested in the marriage part here. Whether you loved her and were a good boyfriend for 4 years, good on you but it's not relevant to the subject at hand.

 

Do you want a marriage or you want a wedding?

 

Whether you marry at city hall or in a castle in Spain will not make a difference on your commitment toward each other.

 

What I am saying is couples that really want to marry, they do. They don't delay with reasons like money, houses, work ....and wedding money.

 

No it's not just me thinking this way. Since marriage exist !! couples marry when they are starting in life and have nothing! because the goal in marrying is to create a team to work on building a life and family together. ONLY since a few years ago that WEDDINGS have become these huge commercial money pit and couples have to come up with these ridiculous 75K wedding.

 

My brother and his wife were both in their early 30s. They were saving up for a house, they were living in an apartment, had an old beaten car, and no money to do anything frivolous but they wanted to get married more than they wanted a wedding. Her father had an old cottage by a river in a beautiful site. They married there by the river under a gazebo with only immediate family. It was the most beautiful wedding I have been too.

 

Again people that want to marry they find the way to do it. People that want a wedding, that's something else.

[mineral27]

I also find spending a shed load of cash on a huge white wedding and extended honeymoon hugely stupid and irresponsible.

 

Personally, I would never want a big expensive wedding either, but some women dream about a big white wedding and the whole ceremony as the most important day in their lives.

And some women just want to get married ASAP, to march into the city hall with their SO this very moment.

And other women don't have the need to marry at all.

 

So who's right, who's wrong?

Neither; those are their wishes, their lives, their choices.

 

The important thing is that the two people in a relationship come to a consensus about what they ultimately want, whatever that may be.

[Amelie1980]

Personally, I would never want a big expensive wedding either, but some women dream about a big white wedding and the whole ceremony as the most important day in their lives.

And some women just want to get married ASAP, to march into the city hall with their SO this very moment.

And other women don't have the need to marry at all.

 

So who's right, who's wrong?

Neither; those are their wishes, their lives, their choices.

 

The important thing is that the two people in a relationship come to a consensus about what they ultimately want, whatever that may be.

 

One of my friends pushed and pushed and pushed her SO to marry her. When she got it, a huge white wedding, over $1500 on her dress, the whole thing cost $70,000.

 

She acted like the bridezilla from hell. She was a nightmare.

 

Fast forward less than 5 years, she is bored to tears and cheating on him. She wishes she had never done it and wants her single life back.

 

Me? I'd be content with what Gaeta describes her brother having. Just family, a few friends and my SO.

 

I want the money to spend on our lives together, not throwing a huge party.

 

I am not actually that bothered about marriage now. If someone remained faithful to me for life, that would be enough.