When Should A Guy Propose?

[O'Malley]

He sounds content with how he currently lives his life, even if his concept of settling down isn't the same as yours. Just my take, but someone who regularly enjoys the stag lifestyle likely won't suddenly turn a leaf and devote themselves to marriage and fatherhood.

 

I would stress less about your SO's attitudes towards marriage and children, and really evaluate what you need in a marriage partner and co-parent and if your SO and the relationship is compatible with those needs. Give yourself an arbitrary timeline: several months, at most a year. In the meantime, keep a strong support structure of family and friends who aren't tied to your current relationship, put more focus on interests that you might have slacked up on since becoming involved with your SO, then make a decision about what you want out of your life, even if it means the SO is no longer an important aspect of it.

[Gaeta]

We have discussed our mutual desire to have children in the past and even names.

 

He is aware I would always want a kid after marriage and he feels the same as far as that's concerned. Baby talk does not scare him, more the thought of getting engaged i think

 

Its not that I want it NOW, just to know we are headed in that direction would be good instead of wasting my time and it never progressing further.

 

I think he thinks I want to be engaged then married within a few months which is not the case, i would just like the commitment first of all then plan a wedding a year or further down the line. :o

 

After 2 years I think it's normal to want concrete plans for the future. You two should at least be talking in terms of dates. Example: In 2 years we are getting married OR next year we are getting pregnant.

 

If at 35 yo you cannot get concrete plans out of him and this after 2 years dating then you can forget about the whole marriage & children with him.

 

Your boyfriend is not ready to settle and not ready for fatherhood and that is why he is delaying and delaying. We also know that not being ready = not ready with YOU.

 

Mark my word, soon his favorite excuse for not having children will he he's too old.

[Amelie1980]

Even the most commitment phobe bend their own rules when they fall in love.

 

Not necessarily. Some people just wont marry for many reasons, some of those being financial reasons.

 

With this guy, he has specifically said that he has concerns with his business and his home with regards to marriage. To me that says he doesn't want the OP (or possibly anyone) having a legal right to ownership of his home of any of the proceeds from his business. If they were to divorce she wold be entitled to half of what he had.

 

Based on that comment, it may not be the case that he just hasnt found "the one". He may never want to marry to protect his ownership of his home and business.

 

I dont know what the laws are where the OP lives but where I live, if you're not married, even if you've had children together, you're not technically next of kin and upon breaking up wouldnt be entitled to proceeds from the property unless they had made a direct financial contribution to it.

[smackie9]

Ya that's the sad truth. When a man is serious about marriage, the ring comes out after about a year and a half to two years. In reality, it's not you he truly wants to be married to.

[Shining One]

I have raised the topic with him - he claims he is in no major rush & has too much at stake to get married (business/house etc).

If this is his only concern, have you discussed it with him? Do you bring assets of similar value to the marriage or would he be the only one taking a financial risk? Have you considered a pre-nup as an option to address some of his concerns?

I think he thinks I want to be engaged then married within a few months which is not the case, i would just like the commitment first of all then plan a wedding a year or further down the line. :o

Wouldn't being engaged put him at risk too? My legal knowledge of engagements is lacking, but I'm under the impression that it's not a risk-free undertaking.

[smackie9]

I can't count the times someone posted a thread about how disappointed they are because right after ending a 5 years relationship, they find out a year later their ex BF has already married and started a family with someone else.

[Amelie1980]

If this is his only concern, have you discussed it with him? Do you bring assets of similar value to the marriage or would he be the only one taking a financial risk? Have you considered a pre-nup as an option to address some of his concerns?Wouldn't being engaged put him at risk too? My legal knowledge of engagements is lacking, but I'm under the impression that it's not a risk-free undertaking.

 

The OP is 26, he is 35. He undoubtedly has more money than her as he has had an extra decade to build a business.

 

The OP wants to have kids before 30. So that means she'll potentially be staying at home with kids for a while and if they divorce he owes her half a house and maintenance.

 

I think this is the reason he doesnt want to do it. He doesnt want her having any claim to his assets.

 

I would confess to having the same thoughts. I do alright in terms of money, have decent savings, could buy a house with a bit more savings. One of the guys I was dating was useless with money and saved nothing. It did occur to me that marrying him would give him entitlement to half on any assets but I would have been putting down most of the money for it.

 

Not. A. Chance. In Hell.

[mortensorchid]

I am afraid to say that this does not sound like a good situation to be in. I have heard this story many times over, in that the woman wants it solid and the man gets cold feet and ends it. Quite honest I have no idea how/why it happens so often, except it's just stereotypical male / female behaviors and we all fall into it. What you need to do is this : not mention things for a while (a few weeks) then once again. If he gives an excuse again, he's saying that he doesn't want to do it. That is your answer. And you will be unhappy but... That's the answer. And then you have to move on from it.

[Amelie1980]

I can't count the times someone posted a thread about how disappointed they are because right after ending a 5 years relationship, they find out a year later their ex BF has already married and started a family with someone else.

 

2.5 years after ending a relationship, mine has screwed over at least 2 other women and gone back to another ex and cheated on her and is now dating someone else.

 

He didnt seem the marrying kind.....some just arent.

[mortensorchid]

I can't count the times someone posted a thread about how disappointed they are because right after ending a 5 years relationship, they find out a year later their ex BF has already married and started a family with someone else.

 

And that will happen here as well.

[MissBee]

He said he doesn't want marriage, you can't ask him to change this. Sounds like you are incompatible long term.

 

Ditto.

 

If both people don't want to get married and prefer to live together indefinitely, there is no problem. The problem is when one of them isn't on board with that plan.

 

Rachel, I will say what I always say when these threads surface. The decision to get married is one the couple makes together. The formal proposal may be the surprise, but whether or not you both want to marry each other should be a WELL KNOWN FACT that you've discussed PLENTY of times and already have decided on. It is completely bizarre for me when women get into a relationship and just think the guy is gonna get up and propose as a surprise one day when neither of them has ever discussed marriage.

 

In all my relationships, whether or not we wanted marriage was something discussed early on. I understand if you start dating as a teen or a very young couple that those things may seem far off so don't come up until years later. But if you're adults and if you know you want kids and marriage before 30, then EVERY TIME you decide to have a serous relationship it's your responsibility to find out where things stand before you get too involved. I call it dating with a purpose. I know I want to get married and have kids soon, so all men I would date seriously are only men I'd potentially want to marry. It doesn't guarantee we'll get married, but at MINIMUM it makes it so that I'm only gonna seriously be involved with men who also want marriage and not waste time dating men without finding out or who don't want it.

 

Also, in my dating experience when a man wants marriage he brings it up. Just like when a woman wants it. I have been with guys who early on said they didn't believe in marriage and I was glad to know early on so we could part ways. I wasn't going to wait 2.5 years to figure it out. But the boyfriends who did want marriage, it came up pretty early, just as a general discussion. I don't mean a man needs to say he wants to marry you specifically a few weeks into dating, but just his thoughts on the subject and if he sees it for himself should come up. With all the boyfriends who wanted marriage, they would mention that they wanted a wife, they would say they are dating with hopes of finding someone to marry and the logic was that if we got serious the end goal would be marriage and not just to date aimlessly. Within 6 months they would start saying things like "if we get married..." or "when we have kids..." and things that made it obvious they were thinking of a future with me in terms of marriage. It's obviously too late now, but you really do want to find these things out before moving in and all this. Even with my last bf, we never ended up living together but considered it briefly and when we had that discussion about that next step he said that he would only move in with a woman he planned on marrying; therefore, if we did that, it meant we'd be getting engaged.

 

At this point though, your bf has said plainly he isn't interested in getting married. It doesn't seem like this is a brand new idea he just figured out, seems he's known this for a very long time (and you should have too). It sucks but could have been avoided by having these talks earlier. However, you have a choice now, stay with him knowing he is in NO RUSH to get married and maybe never will OR move on to someone else who is on the same page.

Edited January 8, 2016 by MissBee

[Rachel 20166]

The OP is 26, he is 35. He undoubtedly has more money than her as he has had an extra decade to build a business.

 

The OP wants to have kids before 30. So that means she'll potentially be staying at home with kids for a while and if they divorce he owes her half a house and maintenance.

 

I think this is the reason he doesnt want to do it. He doesnt want her having any claim to his assets.

 

I would confess to having the same thoughts. I do alright in terms of money, have decent savings, could buy a house with a bit more savings. One of the guys I was dating was useless with money and saved nothing. It did occur to me that marrying him would give him entitlement to half on any assets but I would have been putting down most of the money for it.

 

Not. A. Chance. In Hell.

 

That's right he does have 10 years on my but I have a successful career in real estate and own to rental properties on my own (maybe not as much as him but hey alright for most 26 year old females) I worked myself hard at college and when doing my masters working a 45 hour week as well so I could buy property and have a good lifestyle. So I think he should already know I make my own money anyway...

 

I know that it's stay or leave time. I am prepared to leave as I can be self sufficient if needs be. I just wander what everyone else's opinions are on the:bunny: matter. Is it worth staying?

 

It's a bit daunting having to then go out and start dating all over again when you get attached to someone for a long time!!

[truth_seeker]

I have been dating a guy (35) for 2.5 years now.

 

Living together for about 2 years and he has not proposed.

 

I have raised the topic with him - he claims he is in no major rush & has too much at stake to get married (business/house etc).

 

He has been engaged before & that didnt work out - mainly because I have heard she was absolutely crazy. :laugh: I am constantly told about his "bad" experience before. All of his friends comment on how I am much nicer as a person.

 

I am 26 and in an ideal world I would like to have a child before I hit the 30. :bunny: I have never even considered the thought of having children with someone before so its a big thing for me too!

 

Anytime I talk about it he gets defensive & says I am putting him under pressure. Really I just want to know if we are going anywhere in the future as I don't want to wait for another 5 years and still no. He attends multiple "stag" parties per year so I would of thought it was his time too!

 

We have traveled the world together, spend all of our time together & also have 2 cats.

 

Just wandering on what the thoughts are here?

Should I leave now, put a time scale on it, any ideas??

 

LEAVE HIM NOW!

 

You should know within a year where it's going.

 

I know a girl and she was with a guy for several years and they lived together. They traveled everywhere, did just about everything together. She kept asking about the future, marriage, so forth... and he kept making excuses like your guy. Well, this guy met another woman. He dropped the girl I know and within a year got married to the other woman. This guy only held onto the the girl I know until he found someone he liked better.

 

I think your guy is holding out as long as he can to make sure you're the one and there is no one better out there.

[truth_seeker]

The OP is 26, he is 35. He undoubtedly has more money than her as he has had an extra decade to build a business.

 

The OP wants to have kids before 30. So that means she'll potentially be staying at home with kids for a while and if they divorce he owes her half a house and maintenance.

 

I think this is the reason he doesnt want to do it. He doesnt want her having any claim to his assets.

 

I would confess to having the same thoughts. I do alright in terms of money, have decent savings, could buy a house with a bit more savings. One of the guys I was dating was useless with money and saved nothing. It did occur to me that marrying him would give him entitlement to half on any assets but I would have been putting down most of the money for it.

 

Not. A. Chance. In Hell.

 

Just get a pre-nup.

[truth_seeker]

I am afraid to say that this does not sound like a good situation to be in. I have heard this story many times over, in that the woman wants it solid and the man gets cold feet and ends it. Quite honest I have no idea how/why it happens so often, except it's just stereotypical male / female behaviors and we all fall into it. What you need to do is this : not mention things for a while (a few weeks) then once again. If he gives an excuse again, he's saying that he doesn't want to do it. That is your answer. And you will be unhappy but... That's the answer. And then you have to move on from it.

 

This guy likes OP but I don't think is in love with her. No man will let a woman they love go. He will wife her up fast. He keeps putting it off marriage for a reason. If he was really into her, he would have proposed over a year ago.

[truth_seeker]

Guys usually know very quickly if they want to marry the girl they are with and will make sure that she knows it and he will work towards it to make it happen.

 

2.5 years is a long time. Talk to him and if makes another excuse , move on

 

100% right.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I would point out he has been engaged before & he has not said NO to marriage. He often says in good time etc etc.

 

I just think that someone at 35 should know what they want by now....

 

I'll say that as a guy at 38, I know what I want, and would rather not waste more time.

 

When I find, and I may have already, the girl that's right, it won't be that hard to move to marriage. At this age, you've had plenty of time to decide what you do and don't want in a partner.

[Woggle]

Men will propose when they see a woman as marriage material. Another thing is men hate being pushed into things so when a woman is trying to push us into marriage on a visceral level we tend to rebel even if we don't realize we are doing it.

[Httm]

Just get a pre-nup.

 

Which are broken and contested all the time. Add in legal fees and emotional stress. And what was gained exactly? False commitment? If marriage was a real commitment, there wouldn't be affairs or divorce. Marriage is simply a financial contract.

 

Her being 26 and doing well for her age is great. However, she is likely less than him.

[Maggie4]

"too much at stake to get married ( business/house )."

 

That sounds like he's afraid you'll take his assets.

[FadedSign52]

If existing assets are what he is concerned about that should be able to be remedied with a pre-nup.

 

I agree with the other posters, I've met women who have wasted years in long term relationships that went nowhere.

[Qboro90]

Guys usually know very quickly if they want to marry the girl they are with and will make sure that she knows it and he will work towards it to make it happen.

 

I got engaged to now husband even before my divorce was final ! Yeah. And married soon after.

 

2.5 years is a long time. Talk to him and if makes another excuse , move on

 

 

I don't know who told you that guys know very quickly if they want to marry the girl they're with but common sense would tell you that this isn't an umbrella rule you can just cast out for every situation you come across.

 

This guy is not giving her excuses. He's telling her the truth and she's starting to pout and panic that "he's never going to be ready!"

 

This situation hits home hard for me because I literally went through this with my gf last year. We had been dating for 3 years and I had always been very clear with her that I wanted her in my future and no one else. I had no problem talking about marriage and letting her know I wanted the same things she wanted. We each were 27yo at the time and starting in the late fall of 2014 going into 2015 she started getting more and more chippy about not being engaged yet.

 

Just typical girl comments like "we're never going to get married are we?" "Theres this open house I want us to look at, want to go tomorrow?".. "Look at this house" (texting me houses daily" etc etc.

 

Now in April I got the opportunity to take a position that was a huge opportunity for my career. If I was able to establish myself and bust my ass, it would set us up financially for the next 10+ years. Legit dream job chance, but a ton of effort required during the first few months - a year. I sat down with her and told her maturely that I want to marry her... But I want us to start our marriage off on the best platform possible. Financially stable and not living paycheck to paycheck once we get into wedding planning and purchased a house as well as all the expenses that go with them.

 

In my mind I told her that I don't want us to get married now even though I had the money for a ring and a decent amount saved for the house (she's a nurse and saves money well) , the last thing j want is to get married and have a house, and God forbid I lose my job during that first year while it's still all new to me, that i would not want the financial burden/responsibility to fall on her during the first year of our marriage.

 

So all I asked for was if she could support me for a year while I tried to dictate my business and ensure that my position was stable and the kind of income I can expect the territory to do (med sales representative which has a commission on top of the salary but I would not know the potential I could make until I worked the area for a while).... She wanted to get married ASAP and couldn't see the logic which pissed me off bc I knew I was being smart and cautious and doing it the right way to make sure we can live how we want to and not struggle to make ends meet after the honeymoon.

 

Eventually she supported it and got behind my request to build my career for a year. However every 2 weeks she would get antsy and start bugging about marriage. Eventually I flipped out and told her that I wasn't going to marry someone who couldn't see past the selfish desire of wanting to be married and live on our own. Almost left her for not supporting me 100-% knowing that I was working to give her a future that she deserves, and instead adding to the stress of an already stressful job.

 

Long story short we communicated , she got supportive and said she'd be by my side forever, ring or no ring, house or not house. I proposed 8 weeks later.

 

The last thing a guy wants is to feel pressured and given ultimatums because of you females ridiculous "time lines" for weddings, kids, and houses. Why not show this guy that you love him and he needs to marry you and make sure no one steals you away. Instead of busting his chops. You're prolly reminding him of his crazy ex when you start acting like he's doing something wrong.

 

You want to have a comfortable future 30 years tigether? Or you gonna throw that away because you absolutely MUST have a baby before you're 30.?

 

Glitters- if you'd break up with someone who 10 seconds ago you wanted to marry as soon as possible.... Then you don't love the man, you love the concept of being able to have a wedding and get a ring.

 

Not exactly like you've had a model example for marriage success either to be suggesting she cast aside someone she loves so quickly and heartlessly.

[Httm]

"too much at stake to get married ( business/house )."

 

That sounds like he's afraid you'll take his assets.

 

Why would this not be a valid concern? Marriage involves gifting half of your assets and if finances are imbalanced, there is considerable risk, with nothing in return. Adultery doesn't penalize people in divorces and divorces are a dime a dozen, so it doesn't mean commitment either.

 

Nothing wrong with a longterm relationship without a financial contract.

[lana-banana]

This guy is not giving her excuses. He's telling her the truth and she's starting to pout and panic that "he's never going to be ready!"

 

This is the important part. It's not a matter of his not being ready; he just doesn't want to marry her, period, and no amount of time or support on her part will change that.

 

The last thing a guy wants is to feel pressured and given ultimatums because of you females ridiculous "time lines" for weddings, kids, and houses. Why not show this guy that you love him and he needs to marry you and make sure no one steals you away. Instead of busting his chops.

Because he's not going to marry her no matter what she does. If he had an interest in marriage down the line, he'd say as much: when I've saved X amount of money, once I get that promotion, or so on. Someone who says they have "too much at stake to get married" (what does that even mean? A friend of mine has an inheritance nearing 50 million and even she got married) is simply not interested in marrying their partner.

 

With regards to timelines, I don't think it's particularly unreasonable or ridiculous to want a general timeline for significant life events. I mean, things will always get in the way, but I don't think it's unfair to want to have an idea of where things will go so everyone involved can plan their careers, savings, and so forth accordingly. I don't think it's right to bug somebody every day or even every few weeks, of course, but there's nothing wrong with having a discussion about the future.

[Gaeta]

I don't know who told you that guys know very quickly if they want to marry the girl they're with but common sense would tell you that this isn't an umbrella rule you can just cast out for every situation you come across.

 

This guy is not giving her excuses. He's telling her the truth and she's starting to pout and panic that "he's never going to be ready!"

 

This situation hits home hard for me because I literally went through this with my gf last year. We had been dating for 3 years and I had always been very clear with her that I wanted her in my future and no one else. I had no problem talking about marriage and letting her know I wanted the same things she wanted. We each were 27yo at the time and starting in the late fall of 2014 going into 2015 she started getting more and more chippy about not being engaged yet.

 

Just typical girl comments like "we're never going to get married are we?" "Theres this open house I want us to look at, want to go tomorrow?".. "Look at this house" (texting me houses daily" etc etc.

 

Now in April I got the opportunity to take a position that was a huge opportunity for my career. If I was able to establish myself and bust my ass, it would set us up financially for the next 10+ years. Legit dream job chance, but a ton of effort required during the first few months - a year. I sat down with her and told her maturely that I want to marry her... But I want us to start our marriage off on the best platform possible. Financially stable and not living paycheck to paycheck once we get into wedding planning and purchased a house as well as all the expenses that go with them.

 

In my mind I told her that I don't want us to get married now even though I had the money for a ring and a decent amount saved for the house (she's a nurse and saves money well) , the last thing j want is to get married and have a house, and God forbid I lose my job during that first year while it's still all new to me, that i would not want the financial burden/responsibility to fall on her during the first year of our marriage.

 

So all I asked for was if she could support me for a year while I tried to dictate my business and ensure that my position was stable and the kind of income I can expect the territory to do (med sales representative which has a commission on top of the salary but I would not know the potential I could make until I worked the area for a while).... She wanted to get married ASAP and couldn't see the logic which pissed me off bc I knew I was being smart and cautious and doing it the right way to make sure we can live how we want to and not struggle to make ends meet after the honeymoon.

 

Eventually she supported it and got behind my request to build my career for a year. However every 2 weeks she would get antsy and start bugging about marriage. Eventually I flipped out and told her that I wasn't going to marry someone who couldn't see past the selfish desire of wanting to be married and live on our own. Almost left her for not supporting me 100-% knowing that I was working to give her a future that she deserves, and instead adding to the stress of an already stressful job.

 

Long story short we communicated , she got supportive and said she'd be by my side forever, ring or no ring, house or not house. I proposed 8 weeks later.

 

The last thing a guy wants is to feel pressured and given ultimatums because of you females ridiculous "time lines" for weddings, kids, and houses. Why not show this guy that you love him and he needs to marry you and make sure no one steals you away. Instead of busting his chops. You're prolly reminding him of his crazy ex when you start acting like he's doing something wrong.

 

You want to have a comfortable future 30 years tigether? Or you gonna throw that away because you absolutely MUST have a baby before you're 30.?

 

Glitters- if you'd break up with someone who 10 seconds ago you wanted to marry as soon as possible.... Then you don't love the man, you love the concept of being able to have a wedding and get a ring.

 

Not exactly like you've had a model example for marriage success either to be suggesting she cast aside someone she loves so quickly and heartlessly.

 

 

All I read in your situation is a man coming up with excuses to not getting married. If you love her then go to your city hall and get married. Then build a life and work at getting your dream home TOGETHER.

 

Makes me role my eyes when I read men not wanting to get married because they're waiting after:

 

* Better job

* more money

* better situation

* enough money to buy a home

 

Those are all excuses.

 

You're not suppose to build your dreams before marrying. You're suppose to marry THEN build your dreams together.