What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

These are all examples of verbal abuse.

 

If you read The Verbally Abusive Relationship, you'll see it.

 

 

You're doing REALLY AWESOME by the way!

 

Thanks.

 

I am actually very surprised how good I am feeling. These pills I am eating are awesome. Lol.

 

Anyway also going to gym etc. Is helping me alot.

 

I am not waiting for his messages anymore. I am not feeling jealous of him. When I start to think about him too much I am thinking about how his gf gave birth to his baby etc. To keep him out of my mind in positive light. When I look at his photos I dont feel this rush of emotions. Just some sadness.

 

I hope I can find love like we had again but the real love not this fake ass love.

[turnera]

I have been trying to figure out how to block those mms messages too. But I havent got any luck yet. Today he send me a message which was photo of himself and asked me to return the favor. So I send him pic of his gf. I am horrible and going to hell.

Next time, forward his message TO his girlfriend.

[turnera]

Additions to my list: if guy says "you are crazy" "what is wrong with you" "if you think / say so" "why do you wanna start something" "i dont have time for this bs" "you are stupid"

Yes, those are all verbally abusive things. It would behoove you to read up on books like this (or WDHDT?ITMOAACM) so you can spot it early.

 

Did I tell you about the movie Love At The Thanksgiving Day Parade?

[Fruitee]

I have been thinking about a lot what I wrote about those things he said to me. It never really occured to me that so many guys I have been with have said those things to me. I guess it lead to me thinking that there is actually something wrong with me. Instead of these guys actually understanding me and giving me the support I need. I never called anyone crazy or something unless there was a good reason. Like when I found out about the baby and gf I said he is sick or after he beat me up I said what is wrong with him. But so many guys have told me like I am crazy if I am just asking something that is not crazy at all. For example if the guy I am seeing and I are exclusive or not. Then suddenly I am crazy. I understand if its fight then people might say things they regret. But not in normal discussion. Especially if the discussion is about the future of the relationship. Idk.

[turnera]

There's nothing wrong with you. You didn't know how to self defend against verbal abuse, that's all. That's why it's so important to read about it, learn about it, so you can SPOT it when it happens.

 

That's why I asked if I'd brought up that movie yet.

[Fruitee]

Next time, forward his message TO his girlfriend.

 

Good idea.

[Fruitee]

Yes, those are all verbally abusive things. It would behoove you to read up on books like this (or WDHDT?ITMOAACM) so you can spot it early.

 

Did I tell you about the movie Love At The Thanksgiving Day Parade?

 

Do you know if Netflix has that movie?

[Fruitee]

There's nothing wrong with you. You didn't know how to self defend against verbal abuse, that's all. That's why it's so important to read about it, learn about it, so you can SPOT it when it happens.

 

That's why I asked if I'd brought up that movie yet.

 

Yeah that is my problem. Does those books have any input on how to respond?

[turnera]

Do you know if Netflix has that movie?

No, I don't. I had to buy a copy online (it's my favorite movie). And it's not about abuse. It's a love story.

 

But it's about a woman dating a man, and how he oh-so subtly puts her down so that she doesn't even recognize it, but it in effect puts her under his power (waiting 5 years to get engaged). Like if she shows up to pick him up at the airport, he comes out and says 'oh, you cut your hair' and she says 'yeah, just a little,' and he says 'well, don't worry, it'll grow back.'

 

Or she says 'let's go to Gino's tonight' and he says 'no, we have to go to Mother's, you know how she gets, but we'll go to Gino's and you can have me all to yourself.' And then he says 'and we'll stop by your place on the way so you can change.'

 

Did you catch the put-downs? The not listening to her? The control of the situation? The ego?

 

And he's a nice guy. On the surface, nobody would ever see anything wrong with him. But over the course of 5 years, she's more or less given up who she is. By the time she finally gets the proposal, and she's packing, she's crying. Because deep down, she knows it's all wrong. But she's been manipulated so subtly over the years that she can no longer see her need to protect herself.

 

That's the kind of thing that shows how hard it is to recognize verbal/mental abuse and to walk away from it; the guys often just exude charm, so it must be something wrong with the girl if she's uncomfortable, right?

[turnera]

Yeah that is my problem. Does those books have any input on how to respond?

 

No, IIRC, both of those books basically tell you to just run. Fast. Because he will never change.

 

That's why I brought up the list idea. You KNOW what a logical list should look like. You know you shouldn't accept those comments you described the other day, but you did. So if you keep a list going of those things, like in your wallet, and read it now and then, you'll catch it when you hear a guy say something like that, and you'll know to then say something like "Well, I have to go. It was nice seeing you" and then leave the situation. You don't owe them anything. You don't owe ANYONE anything. Not even parents or siblings (who likely had something to do with you ending up this way). If something makes you uncomfortable, just say 'Hey, I gotta go' and leave.

 

I will add, though, that there's a book my IC recommended called The Dance Of Anger, which was written specifically for women. I think you'd get a lot out of it.

[Fruitee]

I had my therapy again today. I am not sure if it was very helpful. Maybe just talking to someone is the key. But when I went there we first just talked about my general health and sleeping problems. She said if alot of things are going on in my head there is no medicine or pill for that. So basicaly there is nothing I could take that I would be able to fall asleep. So I guess I should try to clear my head before going bed.

 

We didn't talk about my crazy ex at all. But about my fear of the future. She didn't have any tips or ideas or suggestions for my fear of the future. Which was little bit dissapointing. Maybe next time.

 

We also talked about medication for my anxiety. And she said I should eat this medication for a month at least. Then visit doctor and see if its working or if I should change it into something else. She said I shoulnd't eat it for like years but just for like couple of months.

 

We also talked about my last real long relationship. Because my ex who I was with before this crazy one still wants to get back together. We are currently very good friends. I am not so sure about it. So we discussed little bit about it.

 

Also my career and work related things. Because I am worried about my financial safety.

 

I feel like I have so much to say. But not enough time or ways to express myself.

 

I have been going to gym now regularly and school is going pretty well as well. But this sleeping problem is really driving me mad. I have been listening to classical music again too. It always calms my nerves. I think eating good is also helping me a lot. Even though I am having horrible sugar and carb gravings during the day. Maybe because of the medication or because I haven't been sleeping enough. I have started to put down what I am eating to make sure I don't gain weight.

 

Lately I have been fooling myself or entertaining myself with idea of being with my crazy ex but not taking him seriously. But of course it is stupid idea because I would just end up hurting myself. And I am still feeling love towards him so it wouldn't be possible for me to just be his fwb or something like that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah that is my problem. Does those books have any input on how to respond?

 

The Verbally Abusive Relationship does.

 

I don't know about the books Turnera suggested.

[turnera]

fruitee, the LAST thing you need right now is to be with a man. Any man.

 

Learning to be ok by yourself, embrace being alone, for long enough that you don't gravitate toward thoughts of being with a man just cos you don't want to be lonely, is probably the hardest - and most important - thing you can tackle at this point in your life.

[Fruitee]

I am feeling very anxious. I know my ex wants to get back together and I know if I get back with him all of my worries would be done. I mean then there are no financial problems and no more crazy ex problems. I wouldn't need to worry about anything. But when I think about moving and all that I start to panic. I have this image in my mind of travels and nice apartment and all that kind of stuff. But the experiences and material things are not good base for a relationship. I did love him and I dont think I will ever find a man like him. As good and caring. But why do I feel like panic and this anxious when I think about living with him again.

[turnera]

Because you know just running to a man SO YOUR PROBLEMS DISAPPEAR is a big mistake.

 

You need to be able to face your own problems, BY yourself. Until you can find peace THAT way, you will NEVER be happy. Wherever you go, there you will be.

 

If he was so wonderful, why is he your ex?

[Fruitee]

I think that "new guy" is idiot. I cant believe that I am saying this. We agreed to be friends and I was talking to him the other day. He said that I am afraid of change and challenge and when I asked him what he means by that. He asked me what is keeping me from moving on. And I told him everything I am doing. So what else I should be doing in his opinion.

 

Then he only started to talk about my financial situation. I would like to point out here that he doesnt know how much I earn or how I use my money. He only knows how much I pay rent.

 

I told him that I am looking for new job because I want to be more secure financially. He didnt ask me any questions regarding this. For example what I mean by this or why I dont feel secure or what I am doing etc. But instead of that he only said that it doesnt matter how much I make if I am not being critical with my spending. Then we got into argument because of this.

 

In my opinion he was saying that I am bad with money. He mentioned that what he meant is in general. Then it just kind of went from there. After I explained what I actually mean by that (retirement funds etc.) he for example said that it is useless to talk to me. Because I dont listen and even try to understand what he means. I told him that I do listen but his advice is not really relevant for me. Because I have for example strict budget.

 

I dont understand why I always end up in discussions like these. Where I feel like someone is judging me for my decisions and the way I am living my life. That I feel like I need to defend myself and my choices. And if I dont bend or say thanks for advice I dont listen or whatever.

 

This is something I think I need help with. Because avoiding people is easy yes. I dont have to talk to that guy. But how not to end up in this type of situation at all.

[dreamingoftigers]

How 'new' is this 'new guy?'

 

He kind of sounds like more of the same stuff.

[Fruitee]

How 'new' is this 'new guy?'

 

He kind of sounds like more of the same stuff.

 

In my opinion too. Which was the reason why I decided to end it etc. We met during Xmas. I was so lonely and sad.

 

I dont understand why he is still arguing with me for over stupid stuff. He just told me he is seeing someone. Maybe he should then concentrate on her.

 

Btw my crazy ex has been soon totally silent for a week or when was it when I send that photo of his gf. I wonder if he died or found someone else.

[Fruitee]

Why that new guy kept talking to me about his new gf and repeating to me how he has moved on? Eventually i just blocked him. Because talking to him was like banging my head against wall. I told him is good that he found someone who he likes and he should now concentrate on her and that its not good idea to be friends anymore. Was he so hurt that i was rather alone than with him so that he had to now try to hurt me with some bs about his new gf and her nice ass etc?

[Fruitee]

I will never be able to understand guys. If I am with someone and then someone who i have been dating or whatever texts me i tell this person that i am sorry but i am taken and this person shouldnt keep contact with me because i have no feelings or interested etc. To make sure that i dont lead anyone on. I dont hurt anyones feelings if they dont continue harrassing me and then i need to be mean to them.

 

Like this one guy kept asking me over even when i said i am in relationship so eventually i asked if my bf can come too then since he wants me to come over. That shut him down.

 

But this new guy just kept texting me and texting me. Even after i told him that he should now just delete my number and our chats etc and concentrate on his gf he send me like 11 messages telling me how i am sad and bitter that he moved on. (??) I explained to him that there is no reason for me to be bitter. Then he just answered ok. And kept insulting me like how i have now lost something here.

 

Why go through all that trouble putting me down? I think that he was probably lying to me about this new gf because even last week he was asking me to go over and i said no. And now suddenly he has gf and has been tested for std's and has removed his tinder etc. Or if he met someone good for him but puts him kind of bad light anyway.

[Fruitee]

Because you know just running to a man SO YOUR PROBLEMS DISAPPEAR is a big mistake.

 

You need to be able to face your own problems, BY yourself. Until you can find peace THAT way, you will NEVER be happy. Wherever you go, there you will be.

 

If he was so wonderful, why is he your ex?

 

You are right. I just have this feeling it was mistake to break up and he was good and maybe I will never find anyone better. Reason why we broke up was because I felt like I was missing something. But now I just feel like there is nothing to be missed out on. Just verbal abuse and assclowns.

[Fruitee]

Why do I keep finding these idiot guys and why do I let myself feel bad because of what he said? I didnt even want him and had already decided on that January. Why do I now feel bad because of the things he said to me?

[turnera]

Because you haven't fixed YOU yet. Abusers can smell out weak women. They WANT someone who'll allow themselves to be put down. The first time that guy criticized you, you should have blocked him.

 

And why keep after you? Because abusers hate themselves and when you walk away, it drives them crazy and they just have to keep after you, to get the last word, so they can tell themselves they won. My DD25 dated a boy in high school for about 6 weeks in the summer; then she broke up with him because, well, he was being mentally abusive. First day of school, he walks up to her and her friends, acts like they're still together(!) and she tells him to go away. Next day, he shows up with a rose and throws it down on the ground and stomps away. Whatever. But he then spent the next 9 months ingratiating himself into her circle of friends, getting them to be friends with him, and then turning them against her. All because she broke up with him after 6 weeks. You just can't apply logic to them. Girls are a possession to them, a tool to make themselves feel better, and you're not allowed to mess that up for them.

 

Like I said, you have no business dating anyone until you've done a LOT of work on fixing your self esteem. And I'm talking like at least a year of regular therapy to dig down, root out the source of this low self esteem, and replace it with healthy dialogue. In the state you are in, you are self destructive. That's why you left what you SAY is a great guy (I'll believe that when I see it, because I think your picker is off). You don't believe you DESERVE a great guy, so if you happen to catch one, YOU will mess it up. And you'll continue to do that with ANY guy, until you fix what's working wrong in YOUR head.

[Fruitee]

I think I will be single for until I have finished school and I can move out of here. Otherwise I will compromise my dreams and plans because of some guy. I will go to therapy and for sure being alone will heal me and make me trust myself and appreciate myself and my time. I dont need anyone. So why should I listen to some ahole guy who dont want me but some kind of ideal of me. And then try to change me or control me.

 

I have been bullied since I was a child and I have been fighting for my space and to make myself heard and to be able to be myself. If someone has problem with that its their business and has nothing to do with me. I have always done the right thing and someone has always been trying to shut me down or told me to forget it or drop it. But I never did. I went to teachers and police and who ever I needed to go to or contact to make them known what wrong has happened. To my surprise usually no one cared but police if there was crime involved. I still remember when I was bullied and I told the teacher and she did nothing. Or when my stepdad threw me out and my mom just stood there. Doing nothing. I have been fighting my whole life and I am tried of this struggle.

 

I dont know why I let that guy get into my head. It was clear that I didnt want him and it was clear that I wasnt what he was looking for. He was telling me all kinds of crap and making fun of me being sad and depressed. He used my vulnerability.

 

I think his ego couldnt take the fact that I didnt bend to what he wanted me to be and told him that I dont wanna be with him. Then he rubbed his new girl to my face. I told him that I understand that he liked me more than I did but for sure he will get over me and can find comfort from his new gf. It wasnt nice but maybe I dont need to be nice to someone who tells me I will never be well in my head.

 

Life feels kind of weird now when there is no drama. It so quiet. And some how boring. I like it tho.

Edited February 6, 2016 by Fruitee

[Fruitee]

Oh hoh I will never be able to understand these guys I meet. This morning that new guy tried to call me 3 times. I send him a text if he called me by mistake. Then he just answered that call me. So I called him because I thought that something was wrong. Then he just asked me how I am multiple times and said he just wanted to call me. I hang up after he said he is fine and text him not to call me anymore. I guess he tried to mess with my head and wanted to get the last word because when I blocked him he couldnt have the last word. I had already forgotten about him.