Nervous about New Year's Eve

[katiegrl]

I have no big issue with not responding and then if he got in touch at any point to act non-chalantly like the ball was in his court thus that's why it didn't deserve a response.

 

I read something interesting the other day that said no one can really make you feel disrespected if you don't allow it. Well it was worded 100 times better than that. I think sometimes taking the high road as OP did in this case, snatches the self-respect back.

 

Generally I agree that we teach people how to treat us. OP can do that if he is searching for a way back in and she did by teaching him that her life goes on with or without him (aka her own great NYE plans), ie she made it clear she wasn't "waiting" around on him.

 

Fair enough V.

 

It is not how I would have handled it ....I would have just ignored and nexted him.

 

Just me.... but again, I do see your point.

[Gaeta]

Now next step is to let him reach out to you.

 

There is no next step.

 

Really.

 

He doesn't deserve a next step.

 

What he did is the same as standing her up. You don't forget that. You move on to someone with more integrity and respect.

[katiegrl]

 

If he contacts you again and you answer you are then sending the message it's ok to treat you poorly!!!

 

.

 

Yeah .....this ^^^ was my point.

 

And HE will interpret it that way as well!

 

It may even be what he is thinking right now.

Edited January 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[tuxedo cat]

Personally, I wouldn't see him again for a few reasons. He demonstrated low interest and shiftiness by disappearing as soon as you asked about his plans, then by bailing on your plans with him a few days later. He sounds impulsive, and not in a good way - suggesting you go to a resort town on the spur of the moment and then just as quickly changing his mind. He is inconsiderate and immature. He doesn't take his commitments to people seriously and doesn't even bother apologizing for or explaining his poor behavior.

[katiegrl]

Personally, I wouldn't see him again for a few reasons. He demonstrated low interest and shiftiness by disappearing as soon as you asked about his plans, then by bailing on your plans with him a few days later. He sounds impulsive, and not in a good way - suggesting you go to a resort town on the spur of the moment and then just as quickly changing his mind. He is inconsiderate and immature. He doesn't take his commitments to people seriously and doesn't even bother apologizing for or explaining his poor behavior.

 

I agree .... and to those who deemed dobie's response to his blow off (being "cool" and pretending not to care) as "well played," not sure how you can come to that conclusion.

 

Has she heard from him since? No.

 

It was dishonest ....and he knows it.

Edited January 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[dobielover]

I agree .... and to those who deemed dobie's response to his blow off (being "cool" and pretending not to care) as "well played," not sure how you can come to that conclusion.

 

Has she heard from him since? No.

 

It was dishonest ....and he knows it.

 

I'm perfectly fine with the way I handled a waffling dude after just one short month.

 

Not sure where you get the dishonesty bit? I think you might be projecting.

[katiegrl]

I'm perfectly fine with the way I handled a waffling dude after just one short month.

 

Not sure where you get the dishonesty bit? I think you might be projecting.

 

No not projecting ....I just don't believe in pretending so as to appear "cool" or whatevs.

 

In fact, I may be too honest sometimes, when I feel mad, I get mad, etc. Not by going psycho or anything..... but I will definitely pull back...and eventually express my disappointment.

 

My boyfriends have always appreciated that quality in me ...as they always knew where they stood ...and it fostered *trust* that I would always be honest about my feelings - no games.

 

But if you're okay with how you handled it ....that is all that matters!

Edited January 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[jen1447]

I'm perfectly fine with the way I handled a waffling dude after just one short month.

 

Do update your profile with the super cute pictures you took last night for the coupe de grace.

[dobielover]

No not projecting ....I just don't believe in pretending so as to appear "cool" or whatevs.

 

In fact, I may be too honest sometimes, when I feel mad, I get mad, etc. Not by going psycho or anything..... but I will definitely pull back...and eventually express my disappointment.

 

My boyfriends have always appreciated that quality in me ...as they always knew where they stood ...and it fostered *trust* that I would always be honest about my feelings - no games.

 

But if you're okay with how you handled it ....that is all that matters!

 

I'm not pretending? It's how I actually feel. Come, don't come, either way I'm fine. Just because if you were to say that you'd be lying doesn't mean than I am.

 

So yes, you're projecting.

[Gaeta]

I'm not pretending? It's how I actually feel. Come, don't come, either way I'm fine. Just because if you were to say that you'd be lying doesn't mean than I am.

 

So yes, you're projecting.

 

You don't mind that he made specific plans with you for NYE and stood you up? Don't tell me you don't, I won't believe you.

 

When you invited him to come a long with you and your friends you were pretending him standing you up was ok but it was not.

 

Also put yourself in this man's head. He makes plans with you then he gets back to you and acts as if he had never booked time with you. Your reaction to someone blowing you off - standing you up - is important.

 

You acted nonchalant as if it was not important = in his mind 'Oh I can walk all over her, look at that, she is not even mad I wasted her time!'...100% CERTAIN he will do it again. NO he doesn't view your reaction as you're independent, no freaking way!! Most likely he viewed it as you're a door mat.

 

Do you intent on talking to him again?

[katiegrl]

Hmm, well now he's saying his plans are still in the air?

 

He can have his plans, they won't include me!

 

^^This didn't sound like you were *fine* .....but no matter.

 

What's done is done ... life goes on.

 

Good luck going forward dobie.....

Edited January 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[dobielover]

You don't mind that he made specific plans with you for NYE and stood you up? Don't tell me you don't, I won't believe you.

 

When you invited him to come a long with you and your friends you were pretending him standing you up was ok but it was not.

 

Also put yourself in this man's head. He makes plans with you then he gets back to you and acts as if he had never booked time with you. Your reaction to someone blowing you off - standing you up - is important.

 

You acted nonchalant as if it was not important = in his mind 'Oh I can walk all over her, look at that, she is not even mad I wasted her time!'...100% CERTAIN he will do it again. NO he doesn't view your reaction as you're independent, no freaking way!! Most likely he viewed it as you're a door mat.

 

Do you intent on talking to him again?

 

My reaction was that it was not important, because at that point it was no longer important. He was no longer important. My interest level matched his. Lady boner gone. So my feelings were, "Meh." He can have his plans with his friends, I really don't care. If he wants to join me and my friends, he can. The plan for us to spend it together, alone, is off the table.

 

He hardly wasted my time, as I made it clear from the jump I had plans that I could participate in. It's not like he left me stranded.

 

Just because you and Katie would be furious and throwing a temper tantrum doesn't mean a self-respecting woman has to follow suit.

 

I was chasing him. He was going along with it. Once I let him pursue, he decided he wasn't into it. It's pretty clear, and I'm okay with that. No doormat here, sorry.

[dobielover]

Do update your profile with the super cute pictures you took last night for the coupe de grace.

 

Already done, and a couple other cute ones taken during the holidays. I didn't realize a profile update got you so much attention...

[Gaeta]

Just because you and Katie would be furious and throwing a temper tantrum doesn't mean a self-respecting woman has to follow suit.

 

Kathi would not throw a tantrum she indicated that, I would.

 

Lets forget about the tantrum for a moment. It's not the message we're trying to bring to you.

 

The message is when a man lacks respect for you the way he did, you don't turn around and invite him over. THAT part screams 'you can manipulate me left and right it's ok'.

 

Inviting a man into your world, to join your friends in your NYE celebration is a privilege. It was a privilege he did not deserve after the way he blew you off.

 

If you really didn't care about this man, if he really turned you off then why in the world include him in your plans!? I don't invite men over once they're turned me off.

[dobielover]

Hold up. I didn't invite him over. I merely said he was welcome to join my friends once he figured out what he was doing. He said he was still deciding what to do. He didn't run off with his buddies, he was deciding what to do. Even the Carmel thing was very last minute. For all I know, and I wouldn't be surprised, he couldn't find a room or one that wasn't at least $1000 for the night, and immediately regretted the suggestion on that basis alone.

 

If this were a random Saturday, would you and Katie be suggesting the same? Doubtful. Or I'd hope not, as that would be pretty reactionary. I don't consider going to a large party with my friends a "privilege" on his part. And he doesn't treat holidays as any big deal, and usually neither do I. The last few I've spent at home with the then-BF and the dogs!

[Gaeta]

Hold up. I didn't invite him over. I merely said he was welcome to join my friends once he figured out what he was doing. He said he was still deciding what to do. He didn't run off with his buddies, he was deciding what to do. Even the Carmel thing was very last minute. For all I know, and I wouldn't be surprised, he couldn't find a room or one that wasn't at least $1000 for the night, and immediately regretted the suggestion on that basis alone.

 

If this were a random Saturday, would you and Katie be suggesting the same? Doubtful. Or I'd hope not, as that would be pretty reactionary. I don't consider going to a large party with my friends a "privilege" on his part. And he doesn't treat holidays as any big deal, and usually neither do I. The last few I've spent at home with the then-BF and the dogs!

 

Dobie just wow!!

 

C'mon!! Don't have me dig out where he made specific plans with you for NYE and how he was going to take care of everything. And don't have me dig out how that made you happy !!!........and disappointed.

 

Now you're minimizing his bad behavior. You don't get what I am saying. The privilege is in spending time in your presence! You don't reward a man by your presence after he stood you up.

 

You are completely by passing the fact he made plans with you and then acted as if nothing ever happened! You bet if it were a regular Saturday night my reaction to your story would be the same. Why? Because I have been there many times and I did the same as you AND Kathie and the others were here to kick my ass for it ! Now that I have learn it's my turn to spread the love :-)

[dobielover]

He didn't stand me up. The day hadn't even arrived yet. Huh?

 

I don't understand the point of you and Katie trying to scold me for something that's already been done, that cannot be changed, that will not change anything going forward with this man, and that I have no regrets for.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I agree .... and to those who deemed dobie's response to his blow off (being "cool" and pretending not to care) as "well played," not sure how you can come to that conclusion.

BECAUSE that is who she is and that was the best way for her to handle it, for herself.

 

Has she heard from him since? No.

 

It was dishonest ....and he knows it.

Well I HOPE she isn't expecting or WANTING to hear from him again, what a terrible boyfriend he would be. Whatever he knows or doesn't know is not even important. He needs to be completely nexted.

 

Dobie if he does contact you again I hope you won't cave. I think this is a good indicator of what he would have to offer you in a relationship. NOT what you would want.

 

He didn't stand me up. The day hadn't even arrived yet. Huh?

Well ... from my perspective he did stand you up. He told you he was making plans for the two of you for NYE and then just blew it off.

 

Anyway IMO you handled it fine but he is a terrible prospect and he showed you clearly. You could never count on this guy.

Edited January 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[katiegrl]

My reaction was that it was not important, because at that point it was no longer important. He was no longer important. My interest level matched his. Lady boner gone. So my feelings were, "Meh." He can have his plans with his friends, I really don't care. If he wants to join me and my friends, he can. The plan for us to spend it together, alone, is off the table.

 

He hardly wasted my time, as I made it clear from the jump I had plans that I could participate in. It's not like he left me stranded.

 

Just because you and Katie would be furious and throwing a temper tantrum doesn't mean a self-respecting woman has to follow suit.

 

I was chasing him. He was going along with it. Once I let him pursue, he decided he wasn't into it. It's pretty clear, and I'm okay with that. No doormat here, sorry.

 

Where did I say I would throw a temper tantrum? Can you show me where I said that? You can't cuz I never said nor implied it ....nor would I ever do it. Not my style hun.

 

As I said a million times....I would have ignored it and nexted him, the end.....he can do with that what he will.

 

It is important to establish boundaries, especially in the beginning. YOU may have thought you were acting all cool and unbothered ...but the underlying message you sent was "you can blow me off (treat me like crap, disrespect me and my time)... but hey no worries, I will reward your shyt behavior by continuing to chase you by inviting you out with me and my friends!

 

That is most likely what HE heard....which doesn't inspire him to have much respect for you IMO and experience.

[Gaeta]

He didn't stand me up. The day hadn't even arrived yet. Huh?

 

I don't understand the point of you and Katie trying to scold me for something that's already been done, that cannot be changed, that will not change anything going forward with this man, and that I have no regrets for.

 

It's pretty similar as to being stood up. He had definite plans with you and he did not cancel them properly, he just ignored them. How disrespectful is that? If it were me I probably would have already purchased new outfits for that weekend, set up a dog sitter, and canceled plans with friends.

 

Of course it doesn't change a thing with this man but I am pretty sure he will contact you again. I just want to make sure you understand where he lacked common courtesy and respect for you.

Edited January 2, 2016 by Gaeta

[dobielover]

It's pretty similar as to being stood up. He had definite plans with you and he did not cancel them properly, he just ignored them. How disrespectful is that? If it were me I probably would have already purchased new outfits for that weekend, set up a dog sitter, and canceled plans with friends.

 

Of course it doesn't change a thing with this man but I am pretty sure he will contact you again. I just want to make sure you understand where he lacked common courtesy and respect for you.

 

Of course he'll contact me again, because I didn't flip out. Or maybe not, as he has a lot of crap going on in his life that I haven't even begun to disclose here and won't, that make dating him a challenge anyway.

 

You'd have run out to do all that in 24 hours just because you had a date?? That's reactionary, and not how I live my life. I already had the dog sitters set up, as I wouldn't be home anyway. And a full closet. And my friends had invited me, but I hadn't confirmed, as my plans too were up in the air. Everything about that night was up in the air, for me, for him.

 

I understand he lacked common courtesy, and agree. But you're making an Everest out of a speed bump IMO.

[dobielover]

And please stop dragging me into other threads. That's rude.

[Versacehottie]

Whoa, i hope all this "debate" has made dobie more sure of the the path she took on this decision. Sometimes when you are continually challenged on your course of action, it just strengths your resolve that you did the right thing for you. I hope that's what is happening for you Dobie. I hate that this thread is turning into an attacking thing. Is it that big a deal that we need to tear each other apart to prove our respective points? Not really. I think, as I've said, both how OP handled it or ignoring would have been fine--either one. Tantrum or telling him off, not fine.

 

He didn't waste her time because she absolutely took her NYE fate into her own hands. She didn't cancel plans with anyone to jump at his offer. I think he will reach out and she will be in a much more powerful position at that point to show him the consequences of his actions--whether it is to calmly say "i don't think we should see one another", "why didn't you follow through on the plans you offered", treat him with indifference and/or make him really hard to get back in. I think we almost all agree that the wishy-washy-ness puts him on thin ice at the very least or is a dealbreaker. I'm sure OP is mulling that part over in her head. Ok, good luck.

[dobielover]

Whoa, i hope all this "debate" has made dobie more sure of the the path she took on this decision. Sometimes when you are continually challenged on your course of action, it just strengths your resolve that you did the right thing for you. I hope that's what is happening for you Dobie. I hate that this thread is turning into an attacking thing. Is it that big a deal that we need to tear each other apart to prove our respective points? Not really. I think, as I've said, both how OP handled it or ignoring would have been fine--either one. Tantrum or telling him off, not fine.

 

He didn't waste her time because she absolutely took her NYE fate into her own hands. She didn't cancel plans with anyone to jump at his offer. I think he will reach out and she will be in a much more powerful position at that point to show him the consequences of his actions--whether it is to calmly say "i don't think we should see one another", "why didn't you follow through on the plans you offered", treat him with indifference and/or make him really hard to get back in. I think we almost all agree that the wishy-washy-ness puts him on thin ice at the very least or is a dealbreaker. I'm sure OP is mulling that part over in her head. Ok, good luck.

 

Yup, it absolutely solidifies that I did the right thing, your articulated it perfectly.

 

This sort of BS from posters here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/564046-how-do-you-handle-disrespectful-behavior-2.html#post6716113

 

I'll have none of it.

 

But the guy in this thread? Who knows. I really don't know if I'll ever even hear from him again. Either way, I'm in control, not him.

[Versacehottie]

Yup, it absolutely solidifies that I did the right thing, your articulated it perfectly.

 

This sort of BS from posters here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/564046-how-do-you-handle-disrespectful-behavior-2.html#post6716113

 

I'll have none of it.

 

But the guy in this thread? Who knows. I really don't know if I'll ever even hear from him again. Either way, I'm in control, not him.

 

Yeah, I will have to find that great piece I read recently about controlling your own destiny. It was very cool. I will post it if I find it. Of course, you still can teach people how to treat you but you are still in a position to do that by showing him the consequences of his actions. If you don't hear from him, you may be heading toward a decision like that all on your own. Yes, we teach people how to treat us and we also get to decide how their actions make us feel. We are in control of that.

 

In all honesty, it's always disappointing when a person doesn't follow through or turn out to be the person we hoped they were. That said, you learn about yourself along the way and who the other person is--essential to move forward, good or bad. I don't know enough to comment on this particular guy and the situation doesn't seem particular favorable to him--but even great people in our lives f*ck up. Not everything is black and white.