Gaeta Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Hmm, well now he's saying his plans are still in the air? He can have his plans, they won't include me! How did the conversation go on the 28th? Did he say 'maybe' or anything indicating he had to check something else first? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobielover Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 After seeing him for only 4 weeks, he's not obliged to make any plans with you for NYE, nor inform you of alternative plans. Try not to be so clingy and unrealistic. Selective reading, I see. Did you read any of the rest of the OP to see why I was concerned? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobielover Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 How did the conversation go on the 28th? Did he say 'maybe' or anything indicating he had to check something else first? "You know what, instead of staying in the city with all the drunk f**ks, let's just get out of town. Let's do Carmel! I'll get a hotel." Carmel is a sleepy little town on the coast, away from the usual big wild crazy partying in the city. Those were his exact words. I said yay that sounds great, he said great, he'd get on it, we said goodnight. Then I didn't hear from all day yesterday until a minute before I posted. He said: "I'll see you soon, but might not be until "next year." Still deciding what to do." WTF. He's been investing emotionally, but at the same time I wonder to what extent that's more the result of loose boundaries and over-sharing of his life and that he's really just lukewarm about me. Gut instinct that I'm gonna have to trust here. Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 We haven't discussed exclusivity, but without going into detail, I think we're headed in that direction, although I think it's too early to discuss it outright. Dobie, you acknowledge yourself a month is not long enough. It seems that you're impatient/annoyed with yourself and are looking for other people to project onto or pick fights with as a diversion from facing your real problems. If you were dating for 6 months, then you have a case. But one month?? Stop playing denial games with yourself and get real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 "You know what, instead of staying in the city with all the drunk f**ks, let's just get out of town. Let's do Carmel! I'll get a hotel." Carmel is a sleepy little town on the coast, away from the usual big wild crazy partying in the city. Those were his exact words. I said yay that sounds great, he said great, he'd get on it, we said goodnight. To me, don't know about the others, but to me those are definite plans! he offered an activity and on top of that said he'd organize it ! If I heard that I would be under the impression I am taken for that night and I'd decline other offers. His change of mind would highly aggravate me ! especially if that had me miss other opportunities!! Why don't you text him back : Don't we have plans? He's being an ass - don't help him take you for granted!! I don't care if you have been dating for 1 week or 1 month. It's a matter of being reliable. I would not do that to my neighbor even less to someone I have been dating. Make other plans, please. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobielover Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Dobie, you acknowledge yourself a month is not long enough. It seems that you're impatient/annoyed with yourself and are looking for other people to project onto or pick fights with as a diversion from facing your real problems. If you were dating for 6 months, then you have a case. But one month?? Stop playing denial games with yourself and get real. More selective reading, I see. Taking one sentence at a time from the OP. I'll just wait for you to finish the whole OP before you catch on to what had me concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobielover Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 To me, don't know about the others, but to me those are definite plans! he offered an activity and on top of that said he'd organize it ! If I heard that I would be under the impression I am taken for that night and I'd decline other offers. His change of mind would highly aggravate me ! especially if that had me miss other opportunities!! Why don't you text him back : Don't we have plans? He's being an ass - don't help him take you for granted!! I don't care if you have been dating for 1 week or 1 month. It's a matter of being reliable. I would not do that to my neighbor even less to someone I have been dating. Make other plans, please. I didn't bother responding. I have three other options with girlfriends, and I intend to do one of those. I've been chasing this guy, I feel like. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 The guy I've been seeing for about a month hasn't brought up plans for New Year's. We haven't discussed exclusivity, but without going into detail, I think we're headed in that direction, although I think it's too early to discuss it outright. We did spend a lovely bonding Christmas Eve together, even put together, wrapped and hid his child's presents (Santa). We're both still on the OLD site we met on, I used to compulsively check but now I only do so once a day. He has "trust issues." We were just texting back and forth a bit, and I asked him of his plans, as it's a day of the week he usually has his child, and he stopped responding. I've already met and spent time with him and his child, so having his child on that day and night couldn't be the issue. Nor that it's a special holiday, as we've already done that, too. So, I can only assume he's got plans with another girl? I am tempted to bite my nails to the quick!!! So, I can only assume he's got plans with another girl -- Why assume anything? What you do know is he has his kid and kids take time and attention. Why couldn't it be the issue? It's only been a month, you are not "official" and at this point he doesn't owe you anything. It may just be a blip. Wait this out and let him contact you first and see how long that takes . . . I think we're headed in that direction-- if that's what you feel and believe, ride this out and don't get needy or clingy. Give him a little room. Go out and have a good time with friends and family and dont' dwell on this. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 "You know what, instead of staying in the city with all the drunk f**ks, let's just get out of town. Let's do Carmel! I'll get a hotel." Then I didn't hear from all day yesterday until a minute before I posted. He said: "I'll see you soon, but might not be until "next year." Still deciding what to do." What an irritating 180. If I were on the receiving end of this, it would make all the wind go out of my sails. I mean, was he drunk or something when he sent the first one? Why bother saying "I'll get a hotel" if you're not sure? Gah. So maddening. My lady boner would be totally limp. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 Gah. So maddening. My lady boner would be totally limp. LMAO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobielover Posted December 30, 2015 Author Share Posted December 30, 2015 Limp and dry. That's me! Can't wait to see what tomorrow night's Speakeasy party brings me! I feel so lucky that friends have an extra ticket. I wonder if they got it as a backup for me knowing this might happen. Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 What an irritating 180. If I were on the receiving end of this, it would make all the wind go out of my sails. I mean, was he drunk or something when he sent the first one? Why bother saying "I'll get a hotel" if you're not sure? Gah. So maddening. My lady boner would be totally limp. Going from 'let's do this! I'll get a hotel!' to 'I might not see you until next year, I haven't decided yet' would totally kill my attraction for someone, it's so wishy washy... either he's totally incapable of setting and then following through with a plan, or you're not an interesting or important enough prospect for him to care whether he sees you or not. What does he expect you to do, sit around and wait for him to decide on his wishes for the evening before you make plans of your own!? I'd go through with my friend plans gladly and reconsider whether I did want to see him in the new year or not. That lack of respect for my time doesn't sit well with me. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobielover Posted January 1, 2016 Author Share Posted January 1, 2016 I responded that night with, "I'll firm up plans with my friends. You're welcome to join, let me know." Never heard from him. So from daily contact, to nothing for over two days. His investment level is pretty obvious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I responded that night with, "I'll firm up plans with my friends. You're welcome to join, let me know." Never heard from him. So from daily contact, to nothing for over two days. His investment level is pretty obvious. Oh dobie I'm sorry. But I am wondering ... why would you respond by inviting him with your friends? He blew you off for chrissakes! Your message (making nice) basically sent him the message that he can treat you poorly and you will still be there ...inviting him out ..making nice. Wrong message. I would have been furious and not even responded. In fact, after only one month, I would have walked away. I am not surprised he has not responded.... IMO it was clear from the way he blew you off he is not invested. Anyway...I am very sorry. Hope you're okay..... Best wishes in the new year...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobielover Posted January 1, 2016 Author Share Posted January 1, 2016 The invite with my friends had already been extended before, when he'd said his plans were in the air. I made it clear I had plans should he not step up, that I would not be waiting around with nothing to do. Anyway, onward and upward. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 The invite with my friends had already been extended before, when he'd said his plans were in the air. I made it clear I had plans should he not step up, that I would not be waiting around with nothing to do. Anyway, onward and upward. You have more self control than I have. I would probably have replied some smart-ass passive aggressive comment about being a waste of my time and to take his fake-invite somewhere else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 ^ I think it was a good play - always take the high road. It showed (whether intentionally or not) that you're not so petty as to get butthurt and not so inconsiderate, regardless, as to blow him off ....unlike him. Now he's left wondering rather than thinking he had you pegged. Well done. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 You have more self control than I have. I would probably have replied some smart-ass passive aggressive comment about being a waste of my time and to take his fake-invite somewhere else. LOL.....I hear ya girl, but probably not the greatest idea either. :) IMO ignoring someone sends the most powerful message... turns it around and will result in HIM wondering about YOUR interest. Which for me, would have gone right out the window after he blew me off like that! I cannot even imagine ....that is like one of the worst things a guy could do. Ask you out for NYE, tell you he will plan a beautiful getaway in a romantic setting...then non-chalantly and cavalierly take it all back in a text message ....so he can go out with his friends! If that doesn't warrant a big NEXT after one month of dating, I don't know what does. Anyway dobie...you are right .... onward and definitely upward! Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 ^ I think it was a good play - always take the high road. It showed (whether intentionally or not) that you're not so petty as to get butthurt and not so inconsiderate, regardless, as to blow him off ....unlike him. Now he's left wondering rather than thinking he had you pegged. Well done. I agree. If OP already feels like she has been chasing him, this sounded very non-chalant and elegant. Like he ain't no big thing--join or not join. My life goes on with or without you. I think it was a good way to take power back rather than throwing a tantrum or acting passive aggressive where he can see he affects you. It was the confident statement IMO and he looks like the loser not the OP. Now next step is to let him reach out to you. Do not reach out to him (I guess that's assuming you are interested at all into continuing to date him--he is quite wishy-washy sooooo). Keep your investment in him low at best until he really proves himself. Goodluck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I agree. If OP already feels like she has been chasing him, this sounded very non-chalant and elegant. Like he ain't no big thing--join or not join. My life goes on with or without you. I think it was a good way to take power back rather than throwing a tantrum or acting passive aggressive where he can see he affects you. It was the confident statement IMO and he looks like the loser not the OP. Now next step is to let him reach out to you. Do not reach out to him (I guess that's assuming you are interested at all into continuing to date him--he is quite wishy-washy sooooo). Keep your investment in him low at best until he really proves himself. Goodluck I see your point, but I still think just ignoring his blow off message would have been better and had the same result ...while also sending the message that you respect yourself and don't appreciate being blown off like that. We teach people how to treat us. Anyhoo, different strokes I guess.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dobielover Posted January 1, 2016 Author Share Posted January 1, 2016 ^ I think it was a good play - always take the high road. It showed (whether intentionally or not) that you're not so petty as to get butthurt and not so inconsiderate, regardless, as to blow him off ....unlike him. Now he's left wondering rather than thinking he had you pegged. Well done. I agree. If OP already feels like she has been chasing him, this sounded very non-chalant and elegant. Like he ain't no big thing--join or not join. My life goes on with or without you. I think it was a good way to take power back rather than throwing a tantrum or acting passive aggressive where he can see he affects you. It was the confident statement IMO and he looks like the loser not the OP. Most men have told me that I am different than most women, that I don't react as they expect me to. I always take the high road. And I think "come or don't come" leaves him wondering about my interest even more than silence. Now next step is to let him reach out to you. Do not reach out to him (I guess that's assuming you are interested at all into continuing to date him--he is quite wishy-washy sooooo). Keep your investment in him low at best until he really proves himself. Goodluck Can I update my profile with the super cute pictures we took last night? I look amazing in my little Soeakeasy outfit!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I see your point, but I still think just ignoring his blow off message would have been better and had the same result ...while also sending the message that you respect yourself and don't appreciate being blown off like that. We teach people how to treat us. Anyhoo, different strokes I guess.... I have no big issue with not responding and then if he got in touch at any point to act non-chalantly like the ball was in his court thus that's why it didn't deserve a response. I read something interesting the other day that said no one can really make you feel disrespected if you don't allow it. Well it was worded 100 times better than that. I think sometimes taking the high road as OP did in this case, snatches the self-respect back. Generally I agree that we teach people how to treat us. OP can do that if he is searching for a way back in and she did by teaching him that her life goes on with or without him (aka her own great NYE plans), ie she made it clear she wasn't "waiting" around on him. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I see your point, but I still think just ignoring his blow off message would have been better and had the same result ...while also sending the message that you respect yourself and don't appreciate being blown off like that. We teach people how to treat us. Anyhoo, different strokes I guess.... Also, the fact is dobie was upset (as well she should be)...but *pretended* she wasn't ....which isn't cool either IMO. How is a man supposed to trust her or any women when she is *pretending* feeling one way, when in reality she feels another? No ... lashing out, calling him out would not have been not cool either. But ignoring would have told him you were unhappy ...without going ballistic and maintaining self-respect. But pretending you are okay with him blowing you off, when you are not? Not understanding that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 Can I update my profile with the super cute pictures we took last night? I look amazing in my little Soeakeasy outfit!! Yes please do. I would move on from this guy. He blew you off, sure you handled it as if you didn't care and didn't need him anyway BUT if you really don't care and don't need him you will move away from him at the speed of light !! If he contacts you again and you answer you are then sending the message it's ok to treat you poorly!!! My reaction would have been to tell him to F-off but at least he would have put in his face what a cheap trick he is AND I am too good for his sorry ass. If you talk again to this man after what he did you are lowering your quality. A woman like you don't have time to waste with men like him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 Most men have told me that I am different than most women, that I don't react as they expect me to. I always take the high road. And I think "come or don't come" leaves him wondering about my interest even more than silence. Yep, throwing guys for a loop when they expect a tantrum is great. Has worked for me, where I've done it and where it's been done to me. Keep them on their toes a bit. And isn't it funny that's kinda something one would do with a guy they are not that interested in and of course he'd be totally into you. Can I update my profile with the super cute pictures we took last night? I look amazing in my little Soeakeasy outfit!! F*ck yeah! 1000% percent Link to post Share on other sites
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