Should I stay married to an Asexual man?

[oldshirt]

 

My husband told me last night that he will never share me. He doesn't want me sexually but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. He said it is because i will be leaving him alone and who knows how often I want to meet up with this other person. I feel like he is being selfish. I am so confused.

 

 

I want to make the rules for once.

 

There is nothing to be confused about here, it is completely clear.

 

Your husband wants you to sit on the couch by him to keep him company but he doesn't care about your wants and needs. That is incredibly selfish.

 

Your choices are clear -

 

- suck it up and live with it.

- leave

- get your lovins on the side without his consent.

 

Each of those will have its own set of costs and benefits. None will come without a price. There is no quick, easy and cost free choice.

 

You make the rules by making a decision for your own well being and following through with definitive actions.

Edited December 18, 2015 by oldshirt

[CrystalCastles]

You took a chance and it worked out for you. The OP may leave her marriage and realize the grass wasn't greener.

 

A lot of times I feel bad because I'm not getting the passion I crave but in my heart I know that relationships aren't perfect and it's unrealistic to think I can get everything on my "wish list." The OP will need to make a choice, hopefully it will work out for her.

 

Why are you using these scare tactics? Just because you're fine in a sexless marriage doesn't mean everyone else in the same position should be fine too.

 

OP, please, do divorce. There is always a chance to start over in life. My first ex boyfriend told me about his grandmother whose husband passed away when she was in her 60s, but some years later she found a man who she fell in love with and she's living with him now. You can always find another love. You're acting like marriage has chained you to this man. You have waited almost three decades for a change, and nothing has fixed it. Do yourself a favour and leave this man, don't waste another 28 years on him in a miserable marriage. You only get one life.

[sandylee1]

The only answer is for you to leave him... that's the only answer where you get sexual satisfaction. It's a terrible shame...... but you'll be more resentful if you don't leave.

 

Does your husband realise how selfish he's being?

 

He can't truly think he's behaving right by denying you the ability to have intimacy. That's the really annoying thing. ..his refusal to accept this isn't normal and have some empathy for you.

 

I've been supporting a man in a similar situation as you. ... but he has chosen to cheat. It's been about 3 years since they were intimate.

 

I tried to tell him not to cheat and that he'd be the one who looked bad in the end.... but he ignored me. Said he's not about to live a sexless marriage any longer. He said divorce would cost too much and he really loves his wife... she's perfect in every other way according to him.

 

I said what would your son and daughters think of you cheating.. I tried to present the consequences.... but his primary reason for not divorcing was the money. He said he'd be careful not to get caught....he was going down the massage parlor route for release

and of course they do extras.

 

Women don't have the massage parlor option unfortunately.

 

 

This is the only issue of contention with them.

[oldshirt]

 

Women don't have the massage parlor option unfortunately.

 

 

 

 

Women don't need massage parlors. They have 3 billion eager men to choose from that would be glad to have a NSA thang with a married woman for free. many of those guys would probably be willing to pay to them.

 

 

A married woman getting a no-strings lover on the side is the easiest thing in the world for a woman to do. Married women can probably get NSA sex easier and more efficiently than a single woman because a number of guys would worry about a single woman wanting more.

 

 

There are married women who have had ongoing NSA arrangments with guys for years without getting caught.

 

 

and as we've seen here, even when they are caught, more often than not nothing really bad ever actually happens to them. The husbands don't want to kick them out because of the money and the kids etc.

 

 

In the case of the OP, he doesn't want to have sex with her anyway so even if he did happen to catch her, it's not like he's really going to be mad because it won't actually be costing him anything since they aren't sexually active anyway. The guys that are mad about their wives cheating are the guys who do still want to have a sexlife but the wife doesn't want to be with them.

 

 

This guy already doesn't care if he gets any or not so as long as she is home by the time he gets home from work, he won't even notice. As long as she was somewhat smart about covering her tracks, she could easily get away with it for years before they get sloppy and one of the ladies from the Rotary Club catches them and tips him off.

 

 

And by then the kids will be grown and they'll both be old enough that neither one will really give a crap if she's dealing on the side or not.

 

 

I can't condone the institution of cheating, but I have no sympathy for a spouse that knows their partner is craving more intimacy but can't be bothered to lift a finger to do anything about it and thinks they should just live without it.

 

 

If you stiff-arm your partners sincere request for more intimacy, you waive your expectation for their exclusivity.

[Popsicle]

Women don't need massage parlors. They have 3 billion eager men to choose from that would be glad to have a NSA thang with a married woman for free. many of those guys would probably be willing to pay to them.

 

 

A married woman getting a no-strings lover on the side is the easiest thing in the world for a woman to do. Married women can probably get NSA sex easier and more efficiently than a single woman because a number of guys would worry about a single woman wanting more.

 

 

There are married women who have had ongoing NSA arrangments with guys for years without getting caught.

 

 

and as we've seen here, even when they are caught, more often than not nothing really bad ever actually happens to them. The husbands don't want to kick them out because of the money and the kids etc.

 

 

In the case of the OP, he doesn't want to have sex with her anyway so even if he did happen to catch her, it's not like he's really going to be mad because it won't actually be costing him anything since they aren't sexually active anyway. The guys that are mad about their wives cheating are the guys who do still want to have a sexlife but the wife doesn't want to be with them.

 

 

This guy already doesn't care if he gets any or not so as long as she is home by the time he gets home from work, he won't even notice. As long as she was somewhat smart about covering her tracks, she could easily get away with it for years before they get sloppy and one of the ladies from the Rotary Club catches them and tips him off.

 

 

And by then the kids will be grown and they'll both be old enough that neither one will really give a crap if she's dealing on the side or not.

 

 

I can't condone the institution of cheating, but I have no sympathy for a spouse that knows their partner is craving more intimacy but can't be bothered to lift a finger to do anything about it and thinks they should just live without it.

 

 

If you stiff-arm your partners sincere request for more intimacy, you waive your expectation for their exclusivity.

 

Yeah, but you still shouldn't cheat. You should divorce.

[SCShea]

Yeah, but you still shouldn't cheat. You should divorce.

 

Yes, I agree with you. I wouldn't do that to him. He will either need to agree to let me find something he is unable to provide outside our marriage or we get a divorce. It seems like my choices are narrowing quickly. I don't know if it is still considered cheating if he consents to it or not. I wish I didn't love him. This would be so much easier.

[Popsicle]

Yes, I agree with you. I wouldn't do that to him. He will either need to agree to let me find something he is unable to provide outside our marriage or we get a divorce. It seems like my choices are narrowing quickly. I don't know if it is still considered cheating if he consents to it or not. I wish I didn't love him. This would be so much easier.

 

So, ideally, would you want your hypothetical lover/affair partner to be married or committed to someone else themselves, or would you want them to be single and unencumbered?

Edited December 20, 2015 by Popsicle

[spanz1]

Thanks,

I have told him bits and pieces but never the whole truth. I did last weekend. I didn't sugarcoat anything but just told him everything I have ever felt and the dilemma's I am facing now. I said that I needed space while I sort through things. He tried to take it back to his needs and I told him that if he can't do this for me, then we have no hope. The next day he told me he's buying a new truck just to piss me off. So much for support or understanding.

 

he sounds very selfish and immature.

I can understand that a man might have very possessive psychological reservations against allowing his wife to have other sex partners. But if he refuses to satisfy your sexual needs, refuses to even try, and does little childish things to just piss you off....do you really want to hang around with this man until you are 80? Can you really do without any sex for the rest of your life?

 

 

I think you need to be a little more assertive with him Point out that you need more sex, and you are giving him one more chance to provide it. And if he blows you off, just make it clear you will find other partners and he will not have any say in it. Really try to get this petulant child to understand you are serious.

 

 

BTW, you might not need all that much sex, maybe just once a month, to keep your head screwed on. it is because you are having NO sex now that it seems all that important. but once you start having it again, it will probably fade in importance in your life.

[oldshirt]

Yes, I agree with you. I wouldn't do that to him. He will either need to agree to let me find something he is unable to provide outside our marriage or we get a divorce. It seems like my choices are narrowing quickly. I don't know if it is still considered cheating if he consents to it or not. I wish I didn't love him. This would be so much easier.

 

No it's not cheating if he consents to it and it's not costing him anything.

It will just become part of the dynamics of your marriage.

 

 

That's not to say that it won't change things or won't have an impact. Eventually you will develop feelings for one of your BFs and then your "love" will shift to him and you'll lose feelings and respect for your asexual husband and divorcing him will become easy and second nature then.

 

 

you may start off with intentions of having a warm, loving M with your H but once the sweat starts rolling and once you start having a few toe-curling orgasms with your BFs, your esteem for your H will crash like the 1929 stock market.

 

 

Even women that still have a sexlife with their husbands will often lose respect and desire for their husbands once they take a lover. Your case it will just happen a lot faster once you get a taste for what you've been missing all these years.

 

 

So in that sense if you take a lover(s) first, it will make divorcing a whole lot easier on you emotionally and you won't have the second-guessing and trepidation that you would if you were to divorce first.

 

 

But divorcing first might save you some tongue-clicking and scorn by neighborhood gals and the church-ladies.

[SCShea]

So, ideally, would you want your hypothetical lover/affair partner to be married or committed to someone else themselves, or would you want them to be single and unencumbered?

 

Assuming my husband would agree to an open marriage on my end, then I would prefer my lover be committed to someone else. I don't want to have another relationship, outside of a sexual one. If I was to get divorced, then what I was looking for would be different, of course.

 

I feel like progress was made today. My husband said he would rather have me 90% of the time than not at all. He is willing to consider me finding a sexual partner. Of course, its a good chance that he may not be able to handle it. I do feel better though.

 

I really do appreciate all the support I have received from all of you! It has given me some new ways of looking of things and provided some clarity.

Thank you so much!!!

[bathtub-row]

It often astounds me the lengths people will go to in order to avoid ending a bad relationship. Screwing around with another guy is a really bad idea. It introduces a whole other element of complications and hurt. Your husband is basically like a girlfriend and most women don't marry their girlfriends. He's not marriage material.

[Popsicle]

It often astounds me the lengths people will go to in order to avoid ending a bad relationship. Screwing around with another guy is a really bad idea. It introduces a whole other element of complications and hurt. Your husband is basically like a girlfriend and most women don't marry their girlfriends. He's not marriage material.

 

I know, right?

[Friskyone4u]

SC,

 

Old Shirt has hit it on the head. Most women who enter open marriages or polyamory DO NOT do it with the idea of leaving their husbands. But most of the literature says that women become emotionally attached to their sex partners and have a much harder time letting go.

People think that open marriages do not have the same problems as monogamous ones. That is incorrect. Boundaries get crossed, lies get told, and agreements broken.

I also think your husband is being really selfish and maybe you insisting on being able to take a lover will "open his eyes". HE NEEDS TO read those books I recommended so HE knows what he is agreeing to if you go that route.

Your problem is NOT finding men to have sex with you. That will be a piece of cake. Your problem will be NOT devveloping such strong feelings for onew of them that you just wind up hurting your husband more than jkust leaving him would.

Like OLD SHIRT said, none of your choices are going to be without ramifications, and none are assured of leading to a blissful existance.

If you look at a polyamory website, you will find most of the relationships being discussed were initiated by women with husbands who accept the arrangement for a variety of reasons, not without sometimes disasterous consequences. Others it works out fine for if the husband just is happy to not have to meet his wifes needs and can do what he wants as a trade off for her having sex with other men.

mno one has a crystal ball, but you obviously are not a happy camper.

Edited December 21, 2015 by Friskyone4u

[oldshirt]

If your husband is willing to let you go out and have a sexual relationship with other people so he doesn't have to, your marriage is dead anyway. He just likes the company and shared expenses and housekeeping duties of having a roommate.

 

Once you start getting it on with a man/men that actually desire you, your feelings for your husband will fall off the cliff real fast.

 

Once you find a dude who's actually into you and wants to be with you, I'll give your husband a month before you're packing your bags.

[oldshirt]

It often astounds me the lengths people will go to in order to avoid ending a bad relationship.

 

What it often reminds me of is one of the original Star Trek where Kirk and Spock and the guys go to this planet that is all sophisticated and cultured and orderly but they have been at war with a neighboring planet for 500 years.

 

It turns out the reason they've been at war for 5 centuries is it has all been a computer war when there are computer attacks and then a specified number of people have to orderly report to disinigration chambers.

 

Since they were able to sidestep the unpleasantries of real warfare, they continued the war for centuries untill they couldn't even remember why they were fighting.

 

I see this as the same principle. To avoid the unpleasantries of divorce, some people try to farm out various duties of marriage to a variety of other people in order to keep from moving on.

[sandylee1]

Women don't need massage parlors. They have 3 billion eager men to choose from that would be glad to have a NSA thang with a married woman for free. many of those guys would probably be willing to pay to them.

 

 

A married woman getting a no-strings lover on the side is the easiest thing in the world for a woman to do. Married women can probably get NSA sex easier and more efficiently than a single woman because a number of guys would worry about a single woman wanting more.

 

 

There are married women who have had ongoing NSA arrangments with guys for years without getting caught.

 

 

and as we've seen here, even when they are caught, more often than not nothing really bad ever actually happens to them. The husbands don't want to kick them out because of the money and the kids etc.

 

 

In the case of the OP, he doesn't want to have sex with her anyway so even if he did happen to catch her, it's not like he's really going to be mad because it won't actually be costing him anything since they aren't sexually active anyway.

 

 

This guy was doing the parlors because he didn't want to develop feelings for one person I think. He did ask his wife if he could have a GF...or rather dropped a hint.... but she wasn't buying it.

 

The sneaking around involved in cheating must be draining.... The OP doesn't want that.

 

I agree that once she has a lover... unless it's a young stud who wouldn't want a relationship with her.. she's likely to develop feelings and the marriage will well and truly be over. When a man leaves you estatic..you'll actually be so angry and be resentful over what you've been missing out on.

[oldshirt]

This guy was doing the parlors because he didn't want to develop feelings for one person I think. He did ask his wife if he could have a GF...or rather dropped a hint.... but she wasn't buying it.

 

The sneaking around involved in cheating must be draining.... The OP doesn't want that.

 

I agree that once she has a lover... unless it's a young stud who wouldn't want a relationship with her.. she's likely to develop feelings and the marriage will well and truly be over. When a man leaves you estatic..you'll actually be so angry and be resentful over what you've been missing out on.

 

I agree with your last sentence even if it's some young stud that doesn't want a relationship at all.

 

I think once she gets a taste of it, it will be easy to cut the cord to her husband even if the OM isn't relationship material or even if he doesn't want an R with her.

 

I think experience some actual sexual chemistry with a virile man will be nails in the coffin with Mr Eunuch.

[SCShea]

If your husband is willing to let you go out and have a sexual relationship with other people so he doesn't have to, your marriage is dead anyway. He just likes the company and shared expenses and housekeeping duties of having a roommate.

 

Once you start getting it on with a man/men that actually desire you, your feelings for your husband will fall off the cliff real fast.

 

Once you find a dude who's actually into you and wants to be with you, I'll give your husband a month before you're packing your bags.

 

I agree with you on my marriage probably being dead anyway. I'm scared to be on my own financially. I begged my 75 yo parents to buy a house by me so that i can take care of them as they get older. I just moved away from them 6 years ago for my husband job. I have to stay physically close to them but it will be extremely hard on my own. i feel bad for dragging them across the country to be drawn into my mess. One son just got married last summer and another one is getting married in May. I can't even explain to them why we would be getting divorced. Just telling them that we don't get along seems unfair and deceptive. I only have 9 more classes to finish my Bachelors Degree. When we got married I supported him so he could finish school and didn't finish myself. Its always been my goal. I know this looks like a list of excuses and probably is.

 

I don't think an open relationship is going to work. He asked me today how long i think i will need this! Like I will maybe want sex for just a few months or something! We both are so angry right now. He says i have never loved him enough. Duh, how could I truly love him if he couldn't make love to me? He wants me to take partial blame in this whole situation. He thought it was rude that I didn't thank him properly for offering an open relationship! Really???? I'm supposed to say thank you? Does that seem weird to you or is it just me?

[Dolfin80]

You can love someone and not have sex with them.

[Popsicle]

I didn't think you'd go through with the one-sided open relationship (which I think is a wise decision). It is my belief that spouses who are sex-starved and angry about it never go through with their thoughts of cheating. People who end up cheating, at least for the first time, don't premeditate it. They just end up doing it, then think about it later.

 

As for what you should do, it might take you a while to get on your feet financially, but there is nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you do it. Then leave.

[aussietigerwolf]

You can love someone and not have sex with them.

Like the way people love their friends and blood relations?

[sandylee1]

But if you got divorced you'd get spousal support wouldn't you? You are entiltled to half of the marital assets, so it shouldn't be difficult financially.

 

Your husband accusing you of not loving him is unfair....tell him to pose the situation to any of his friends (he doesn't need to say it's him who is Asexual), just someone he knows and see what they say the wife should do.. or he can post in an anonymous forum.

 

Your H cannot accept sharing you ..... he probably fears loosing you and that is a very real fear. Saying how long do you need it for just shows he doesn't get it.

 

I understand that it's hard to tell your kids why your divorcing ..... embarrassing as well. You don't want to discuss your sex life or lack of one with your kids no matter how old they are.

 

I'm not sure if this has been asked.. but does he hold you closely? Cuddle you? Kiss you? Would he be willing to try and stimulate you without intercourse? Using toys or his hands perhaps?

[SCShea]

You can love someone and not have sex with them.

 

Yes, that is true. Very true. I just have a lot of emotional baggage because of my husband not wanting to have sex with me. I married a man that was a self proclaimed man slut. He lost count once he got in the 100's as far as the women he had sex with before he met me. We get married and he is no longer interested and blames it on me for years. 28 years later, turns out he's asexual and all he did in his younger years was probably trying to prove he was normal. I just feel deceived. If I had married him knowing we would not have an active sex life, then I could not complain.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't even explain to them why we would be getting divorced. Just telling them that we don't get along seems unfair and deceptive.

 

At its core, isn't "we don't get along" the truth ???

 

Nobody is owed any explanation beyond that and you want to be careful about damaging future co-parenting relationships. In this case, less is definitely more...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Poutrew]

A female friend of mine commented on this post that as long as the guy was good enough to father her children, she'd love being married to an asexual man. She would know with certainty that he'd not be stepping out on her and giving her The Herpes like the man she married did.