Heatherknows Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Seems slightly ageist. I can tell you, in my 60's, sex is just as important as it was in my 20's. It's just not as important as often ... Mr. Lucky She hasn't been doing it at all for 28 years. My guess is she'll be fine without it for 28 more. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 She hasn't been doing it at all for 28 years. My guess is she'll be fine without it for 28 more. Not your or my decision to make. And she doesn't seem "fine", based on this: It is killing me knowing that I have stood by a man that has never desired me or fulfilled that part of our marriage. He is a good man but knowing I have NEVER been wanted hurts. I don't know if it's right to consider leaving him over this. I am not at all ready to be done with my sexuality. Staying with him means that I am done. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 He hasn't and never will feel sexual desire. He feels relieved that he doesn't have to deal with my "demands" anymore and doesn't understand why I'm not happy about it. From HIS point of view, this is a good thing. It's an acknowledgment that he is "ok" even if he isn't normal. He is not being understanding to you though. It is killing me knowing that I have stood by a man that has never desired me or fulfilled that part of our marriage. He is a good man but knowing I have NEVER been wanted hurts. You have to understand that when you have no drive, there is no desire. It isn't about you. It isn't that you aren't desirable. He has zero interest in sex. I don't know if it's right to consider leaving him over this. I am not at all ready to be done with my sexuality. Staying with him means that I am done. (No, he won't do anything to please me because "he doesn't think of it" and I can tell he is just plain ole' bored) It isn't fair of him to just assume you are ok with a completely sexless life. Have you talked to him about finding a FWB? You only have four choices here, because he won't change: - Live out your life sexless - Find something on the side with your husband's knowledge - Find something on the side without your husband's knowledge - Move on and look for a more fulfilling relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted December 10, 2015 Author Share Posted December 10, 2015 How long were you married before you divorced your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 Can I asked what you did in your situation? I feel like there is no happy answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 Loveweary11 I wish it was so easy. He is not going to share me. I know it. I think he would rather lose me than have me be with another man. He doesn't and never will understand the sexual need and frustration that I feel on a daily basis. He thinks I should be able to "control this". I do love him and that is the hardest part. I wish I didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 If he were my best friend and if we loved each other I would stick with him through thick and thin. This is not his fault. I would be ready to make a sacrifice for someone like that. Damn, I would be willing to somehow get rid of my sex drive if it were in the way, maybe hormones or something. Whatever happened to sacrifice and to giving up on something for another person? He cannot be ok with his wife being kissed and touched by someone else. Have you ready how many people here are in total emotional shambles because of something like that. Even if he cannot have sex with her, it does not mean that it would not break his heart if she did it with someone else. But we don't know the exact situation so its just guessing. The way I see it it is a matter of either him being selfish or her being selfish. If he is selfish it is because he does not want her to have sex with other men and he cannot relate to her need (I get this). If she is selfish it is because she wants sex (I do not hold it in such high regard to be superior to the man I love to the extent I would leave him). She should understand him a bit and he should understand her a bit and this is not something that cannot be in some way solved. OP have you tried to ask him to give you oral sex, or use some toys on you or something? There is a lot more to sex than penetration. Also, it is not you and him not wanting you so don't go there... If he is a jerk, forget everything OP, and pack up... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Loveweary11 I wish it was so easy. He is not going to share me. I know it. I think he would rather lose me than have me be with another man. He doesn't and never will understand the sexual need and frustration that I feel on a daily basis. He thinks I should be able to "control this". I do love him and that is the hardest part. I wish I didn't. Sorry if this was already mentioned, but have you two tried going to therapist together? Hang in there, sit down with him and OPEN UP COMPLETELY!!! Do not hold anything back. Nothing good can happen without that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 Still_an_Angel, I don't even know what at FB is! I know its sad! I originally talked to him about a FWB and he said no way. I know it is risky because feeling might develop. I would like to find a happily married man in the same situation as I am in. Obviously, someone that that I connect with physically. that seems like the best scenario to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 No, I won't be fine! I have always had hope that something would change. Testosterone shots that would work, depression meds her could get off of, Viagra so he could get an erection, etc. NOW...I know nothing will ever change or help. That is the difference. I stood by him hoping for a miracle. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN. The hope has ended and I need to deal with the reality of my situation. I feel just as sexual and sensual as I did as a young adult. Age has not changed that. I am only letting my feeling out now. Link to post Share on other sites
frogs88 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 It makes no sense that he doesn't validate your desire for a normal sex life though. And being asexual is no excuse for that behaviour - while perhaps lacking sexual desire they still have the emotional capabilities to understand wants and needs of other humans. The fact that he refuses to acknowledge this valid need is sinister. It's almost as if asexuality is an excuse he grabbed to drown this issue. Did you actually hear if from the Dr. himself and how did he come to this conclusion? Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 My husband and I had a short affair before he left his wife of 29 years and we began our life together. The last 12 years of their marriage were sexless ones. We are really happy in our lives and he would do it again in a heartbeat. I do not believe in wasting your life and if that is how you are feeling I can't understand why you would stay. I certainly hope you find happiness in whatever you choose. Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Sorry if this was already mentioned, but have you two tried going to therapist together? Hang in there, sit down with him and OPEN UP COMPLETELY!!! Do not hold anything back. Nothing good can happen without that. I would suggest a sex therapist as well. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Seems slightly ageist. I can tell you, in my 60's, sex is just as important as it was in my 20's. It's just not as important as often ... Mr. Lucky Can you more fully explain "just as important" in your 60's, if you are saying "not as important as often?" And, would you leave your partner over lack of sex? You only have four choices here, because he won't change: - Live out your life sexless - Find something on the side with your husband's knowledge - Find something on the side without your husband's knowledge - Move on and look for a more fulfilling relationship I definitely think that a partner who cuts off sex with their partner is at risk of #3. He must know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 I'm calling BS. So 28 years, and just now you're thinking maybe, maybe, this is an issue you should deal with. Riiiight. Think what you want to...... First he convinced me that it was my fault for not trying hard enough to turn him on. Then it was his low testosterone level and i felt sorry for him. Then it was depression meds so he couldn't ejaculate. I first took the blame then felt sorry for him and have repressed my own sexuality for years. Now Viagra, etc don't even work. It's only been a few months since we were told he is asexual. Now I have a concrete answer and know nothing will change EVER. So, yes 28 years later I am dealing with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 I would suggest a sex therapist as well. Thanks, we have been to a sex therapist a few different times during our marriage. I wish it could help, but he is what he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 It makes no sense that he doesn't validate your desire for a normal sex life though. And being asexual is no excuse for that behaviour - while perhaps lacking sexual desire they still have the emotional capabilities to understand wants and needs of other humans. The fact that he refuses to acknowledge this valid need is sinister. It's almost as if asexuality is an excuse he grabbed to drown this issue. Did you actually hear if from the Dr. himself and how did he come to this conclusion? Yes, I did hear it from his Dr. so I don't have any doubt it is true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 She hasn't been doing it at all for 28 years. My guess is she'll be fine without it for 28 more. No, I won't be fine! I have always had hope that something would change. Testosterone shots that would work, depression meds her could get off of, Viagra so he could get an erection, etc. NOW...I know nothing will ever change or help. That is the difference. I stood by him hoping for a miracle. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN. The hope has ended and I need to deal with the reality of my situation. I feel just as sexual and sensual as I did as a young adult. Age has not changed that. I am only letting my feeling out now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 Sorry if this was already mentioned, but have you two tried going to therapist together? Hang in there, sit down with him and OPEN UP COMPLETELY!!! Do not hold anything back. Nothing good can happen without that. Thanks, I have told him bits and pieces but never the whole truth. I did last weekend. I didn't sugarcoat anything but just told him everything I have ever felt and the dilemma's I am facing now. I said that I needed space while I sort through things. He tried to take it back to his needs and I told him that if he can't do this for me, then we have no hope. The next day he told me he's buying a new truck just to piss me off. So much for support or understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 First he convinced me that it was my fault for not trying hard enough to turn him on. Then it was his low testosterone level and i felt sorry for him. Then it was depression meds so he couldn't ejaculate. I first took the blame then felt sorry for him and have repressed my own sexuality for years. He tried to take it back to his needs and I told him that if he can't do this for me, then we have no hope. The next day he told me he's buying a new truck just to piss me off. So much for support or understanding. And you love this man because WHY??? Link to post Share on other sites
Heatherknows Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 (edited) No, I won't be fine! I have always had hope that something would change. Testosterone shots that would work, depression meds her could get off of, Viagra so he could get an erection, etc. NOW...I know nothing will ever change or help. That is the difference. I stood by him hoping for a miracle. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN. The hope has ended and I need to deal with the reality of my situation. I feel just as sexual and sensual as I did as a young adult. Age has not changed that. I am only letting my feeling out now. Look, I am being very realistic with you because we are in similar situations. I'm 47 and my husband is on meds for anxiety and depression, has a low sex drive and needs me to start him up sexually or it won't happen. I'm at the point in my life where I'm tired of being the aggressor so I've just stopped having sex. I'm practical and realistic. I'm 47, and although I'm very attractive, men aren't dying to meet someone my age. I'm sure I'd be able to get a boyfriend easily but I'm very picky and I'd probably hate everyone. LOL. So, in essence, I would STILL not be having sex if I left my marriage. Maybe sex is all you can think of now because it's the one thing you don't have. Maybe start concentrating on what you do have. Edited December 11, 2015 by Heatherknows Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Look, I am being very realistic with you because we are in similar situations. I'm 47 and my husband is on meds for anxiety and depression, has a low sex drive and needs me to start him up sexually or it won't happen. I'm at the point in my life where I'm tired of being the aggressor so I've just stopped having sex. I'm practical and realistic. I'm 47, and although I'm very attractive, men aren't dying to meet someone my age. I'm sure I'd be able to get a boyfriend easily but I'm very picky and I'd probably hate everyone. LOL. So, in essence, I would STILL not be having sex if I left my marriage. Maybe sex is all you can think of now because it's the one thing you don't have. Maybe start concentrating on what you do have. That might be true. .........until you meet that person that does make your heart go pitter-pat, your knees shake and your Jay-Jay tingle. Then all bets are off. Love, attraction and desire have nothing to do with realistic and practical. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Not quite sure why you're so loyal and dedicated to someone who clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about YOUR needs - and never has. As you can see, your blind devotion to Mr. Selfish hasn't gotten you anywhere in 28 years. And it will continue to get you nowhere for the next 28 years. Why should HIS needs supersede your own? Not sure what advice you're looking for since you refuse to leave him and "he won't allow you to get your needs met elsewhere." When you're 80, you'll regret how foolish you were to constantly put his needs ahead of your own your entire adult life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Thanks, I have told him bits and pieces but never the whole truth. I did last weekend. I didn't sugarcoat anything but just told him everything I have ever felt and the dilemma's I am facing now. I said that I needed space while I sort through things. He tried to take it back to his needs and I told him that if he can't do this for me, then we have no hope. The next day he told me he's buying a new truck just to piss me off. So much for support or understanding. It sounds like he's very selfish. There are sexual things he could do (to/with you) without actually having to have sex. You said earlier he was relieved that the pressure was off him, doesn't think to do sexual things, in this post it goes back to "his needs". How are you treated in other areas of your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Look, I am being very realistic with you because we are in similar situations. I'm 47 and my husband is on meds for anxiety and depression, has a low sex drive and needs me to start him up sexually or it won't happen. I'm at the point in my life where I'm tired of being the aggressor so I've just stopped having sex. I'm practical and realistic. I'm 47, and although I'm very attractive, men aren't dying to meet someone my age. I'm sure I'd be able to get a boyfriend easily but I'm very picky and I'd probably hate everyone. LOL. So, in essence, I would STILL not be having sex if I left my marriage. Maybe sex is all you can think of now because it's the one thing you don't have. Maybe start concentrating on what you do have. The men that aren't dying to meet you are the men you were dying to marry when you were young and single. 30 year old,single, fit, handsome, educated, professional executive men will likely pass on a 47 year old mother for a wife and mother of their kids in lieu of a single, never married, no kids 25 year old woman. But a 50 year old reasonably healthy and attractive divorced man would be all over it. ....and a 50 year old married man in a sexless marriage of his own (which is what SCSHEA mentioned, would do back flips and crawl through broken glass and rusty thumb tacks for a chance. It's all about perspectives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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