Should I stay married to an Asexual man?

[Heatherknows]

The men that aren't dying to meet you are the men you were dying to marry when you were young and single.

 

30 year old,single, fit, handsome, educated, professional executive men will likely pass on a 47 year old mother for a wife and mother of their kids in lieu of a single, never married, no kids 25 year old woman.

 

But a 50 year old reasonably healthy and attractive divorced man would be all over it.

 

....and a 50 year old married man in a sexless marriage of his own (which is what SCSHEA mentioned, would do back flips and crawl through broken glass and rusty thumb tacks for a chance.

 

It's all about perspectives.

 

If the OP want's to take the risk that's up to her. She will be leaving a nice man who has treated her well for a long time for the hopes of finding someone wonderful.

 

And what shall she find? Does the OP find men in their 50's attractive? IDK. To me most men in their 50's look like old men. I look really young and attract young men so unless a guy in his 50's looks much younger I wouldn't be interested. But that is for the OP to decide. Plus, what I've learned from marriage is a man comes with his family and some extended families are worse than others. She's taking a chance but it's her life and if she wants to take that chance let her take it.

[goodyblue]

If the OP want's to take the risk that's up to her. She will be leaving a nice man who has treated her well for a long time for the hopes of finding someone wonderful.

 

And what shall she find? Does the OP find men in their 50's attractive? IDK. To me most men in their 50's look like old men. I look really young and attract young men so unless a guy in his 50's looks much younger I wouldn't be interested. But that is for the OP to decide. Plus, what I've learned from marriage is a man comes with his family and some extended families are worse than others. She's taking a chance but it's her life and if she wants to take that chance let her take it.

 

Uh... a man who only sees her needs through the rearview mirror of his new truck as he drives away is not a nice man. And there are WONDERFUL men out there. Not only that, sometimes it is worse to be looking newly in a relationship than meh on your own.

[frogs88]

Yes, I did hear it from his Dr. so I don't have any doubt it is true.

 

Well ok that's one doubt eliminated but still - you cannot determine asexualiyy from anything physicial or concrete. It completely depends on what he told the Dr. Someone who is asexual can still care/love their SO and this doesn't sound like any of that.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm practical and realistic. I'm 47, and although I'm very attractive, men aren't dying to meet someone my age. I'm sure I'd be able to get a boyfriend easily but I'm very picky and I'd probably hate everyone. LOL. So, in essence, I would STILL not be having sex if I left my marriage.

 

With that attitude, I'm in complete agreement with you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

Can you more fully explain "just as important" in your 60's, if you are saying "not as important as often?"

 

It's just as important now for me to have a personally fulfilling sexlife as it was in my 20's. What changed is the parameters of what that fulfillment consists of in terms of frequency, duration and activities.

 

And, would you leave your partner over lack of sex?

 

Yes I would. Though probably not as quickly as my wife has told me, in no uncertain terms, she'd leave me ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Michelle ma Belle]

I left a very good man because the sex disappeared. It was the best decision I ever made. Some people can't accept being in a sexless marriage when they don't get say in the matter. Sex isn't everything but it's pretty damn huge, especially when you're not getting any.

[oldshirt]

If the OP want's to take the risk that's up to her. She will be leaving a nice man who has treated her well for a long time for the hopes of finding someone wonderful.

 

And what shall she find? Does the OP find men in their 50's attractive? IDK. To me most men in their 50's look like old men. I look really young and attract young men so unless a guy in his 50's looks much younger I wouldn't be interested. But that is for the OP to decide. Plus, what I've learned from marriage is a man comes with his family and some extended families are worse than others. She's taking a chance but it's her life and if she wants to take that chance let her take it.

 

 

If our topic at this exact moment though is FWBs, then we need to keep in mind that middle aged women are limited in the number of good, attractive, fit men that will marry them and have a home and blended families with them.

 

They are not however limited in the number of men who will gladly have a NSA FWB arrangement with them.

 

Assuming a woman is clean, doesn't smell bad and is under 200lbs, darn near every man on the planet will sign up and she would have her pick of the litter.

 

Assuming she is reasonably attractive and assuming all she was asking for was some NSA sexual activity, out of 3 billion men applying for the job, I'm sure she could find at least one if not a dozen to her liking.

[oldshirt]

And like a number of the other posters, I think this dude is basically a selfish dud who doesn't care about her needs and is too lazy and shirtless to do anything for her.

 

If she left him, I wouldn't shed a tear.

 

If she cheated on him, I couldn't condone the concept of cheating, but he would have no right to act surprised or point fingers.

 

If she had a consensual FWB on the side and "feelings" were to develop, again that is the risk her H took by neglecting her needs for decades. It would be nature taking its course.

 

Ignore your spouse and look for reasons and excuses not to give them good love'ns and someone else is going to.

[Heatherknows]

I left a very good man because the sex disappeared. It was the best decision I ever made. Some people can't accept being in a sexless marriage when they don't get say in the matter. Sex isn't everything but it's pretty damn huge, especially when you're not getting any.

 

You took a chance and it worked out for you. The OP may leave her marriage and realize the grass wasn't greener.

 

A lot of times I feel bad because I'm not getting the passion I crave but in my heart I know that relationships aren't perfect and it's unrealistic to think I can get everything on my "wish list." The OP will need to make a choice, hopefully it will work out for her.

[bathtub-row]

He won't agree to it, unfortunately. I either have to stay in a sexless marriage or leave him.

 

Wow, he sure likes to run your life. I'd leave him. He's not marriage material, he never was. Through his own ultimatum, he has given you an out; and not many options. He's probably so cocky, he thinks you'll never leave him.

 

Your options - without his consent - are to cheat or leave him. I'd pick door number two.

Edited December 11, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Mr. Lucky]

Sex isn't everything but it's pretty damn huge, especially when you're not getting any.

 

I always liked that equation that says sex is 5% of a relationship when it's going well and 95% when it's not...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Michelle ma Belle]

You took a chance and it worked out for you. The OP may leave her marriage and realize the grass wasn't greener.

 

A lot of times I feel bad because I'm not getting the passion I crave but in my heart I know that relationships aren't perfect and it's unrealistic to think I can get everything on my "wish list." The OP will need to make a choice, hopefully it will work out for her.

 

I'd hardly call it a "chance". My decision to separate/divorce my husband didn't come easy and took several years and extensive thought and deep reflection and therapy and not without making every effort to remedy the situation.

 

Sex is a barometer for any relationship. Just like Mr. Lucky said, sex is 5% of a relationship when it's going well and 95% when it's not. When you're in a relationship where one partner decides for the BOTH of you that sex is now off the table, that's a problem. A BIG problem.

 

And if you're the partner who aches for intimacy, resentment inevitably sets in and it spreads like a f*cking disease to every other aspect of your life! That isn't healthy for any relationship.

 

My decision to leave my husband was a very thoughtful decision. No matter how my leaving would turn out, I knew I would be happier alone and sexless than having to look at the man I loved and wanted who no longer wanted or needed sex with his wife.

 

At least the former would be on MY terms.

[oldshirt]

Loveweary11

I wish it was so easy. He is not going to share me. I know it. I think he would rather lose me than have me be with another man. He doesn't and never will understand the sexual need and frustration that I feel on a daily basis. He thinks I should be able to "control this".

 

 

This is what I was trying to explain in my other post.

 

A person that is having sex with you and willing and able to address your needs has a right to ask for monogamy/exclusivity as a stipulation of their sexual participation.

 

A person who doesn't want a sexual relationship with you and doesn't have any intention of trying to address your needs does not have the right to require abstinence of you.

[oldshirt]

 

Sex is a barometer for any relationship. Just like Mr. Lucky said, sex is 5% of a relationship when it's going well and 95% when it's not. When you're in a relationship where one partner decides for the BOTH of you that sex is now off the table, that's a problem. A BIG problem.

 

And if you're the partner who aches for intimacy, resentment inevitably sets in and it spreads like a f*cking disease to every other aspect of your life! That isn't healthy for any relationship.

 

My decision to leave my husband was a very thoughtful decision. No matter how my leaving would turn out, I knew I would be happier alone and sexless than having to look at the man I loved and wanted who no longer wanted or needed sex with his wife.

 

At least the former would be on MY terms.

 

 

 

I agree with everything above. Asexual people may understand living in sexless marriages and see the benefit thereof. But for people who still have a sexdrive and yearnings for physical intimacy, a sexless existence taints all other aspects of the relationship and ultimately reduces it to ashes.

 

Eventually it becomes nothing more than a friendship or roommate agreement, if that.

 

Seeking a sexual relationship may end the sexless friendship/marriage. But if that happens is it really that big of a loss?????

 

But maybe it won't. If he has no sexual feelings, desire or attraction for her, will he really care if she gets that somewhere else? If they are basically "just friends" then maybe they can continue to be friends if she is involved with someone else. They may be able to remain good friends and cooperative coparents even if they divorce and she finds someone else.

 

Only she can decide if any of that would be an "acceptable loss" or not.

 

In regards to preferring being alone to remaining in a sexless marriage, I also agree completely. When you are on your own every day is a new day with new possibilities and new options. Every day has hope even if it doesn't pan out by the end of the day. ......There will always be tomorrow.

 

When you are stuck in a bad marriage, you are just stuck. You are nothing but a warehoused human being sitting on a shelf gathering dust in cold storage with no other options.

 

Some people do opt for the cold storage because they technically have a roof over threir head and that is on them.

 

For people who want to live a full life, that's not good enough. People that still have breath of life understand why others will leave the safety of the warehouse to venture into the unknown in search of life.

[SCShea]

I always liked that equation that says sex is 5% of a relationship when it's going well and 95% when it's not...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

oh, i think that is so true!!!

its' all i can think about right now.....

[spanz1]

if you put up with NO sex for 28 years, sorry dear, you are asexual too. Not as much as he is, obviously, but pretty close.

 

 

what are you really asking? Are you looking back at your life and finally wondering what sex would be like? Did you recently see "50 shades of grey" and want to start exploring?

 

 

well sit down and talk with him about it. tell him you have a newfound sexual lust and want to try out certain sex acts. If he is not interested, then ask him for a hall pass to go find another man to play with. I suspect that once you try actual sex for a couple times, you will get it out of your system and be able to be satisfied with your husband only again. This is based on your libido being so low that it took 28 years to decide to do something about it.

[sandylee1]

if you put up with NO sex for 28 years, sorry dear, you are asexual too.

 

I disagree with this. She has always had the desire... he didn't. She was patiently hoping for a reason and a cure... now she knows there is no cure.

[pteromom]

if you put up with NO sex for 28 years, sorry dear, you are asexual too. Not as much as he is, obviously, but pretty close.

 

No, she isn't asexual. She's committed and faithful and trusted her partner to do his best to make things better. If anything, she's been naive, but that doesn't make her asexual. She has shown a great ability to be a good wife.

 

well sit down and talk with him about it. tell him you have a newfound sexual lust and want to try out certain sex acts. If he is not interested, then ask him for a hall pass to go find another man to play with. I suspect that once you try actual sex for a couple times, you will get it out of your system and be able to be satisfied with your husband only again.

 

Wait...isn't she supposed to demand as much wild and kinky sex as she wants, and he better put out?

[SCShea]

Has anyone dealt with this before? How can I deal with the blow to my self esteem if I stay? Should I stay or go while I'm still young enough to have some fun?

 

Thanks!

 

I am so confused on what to do. My husband told me last night that he will never share me. He doesn't want me sexually but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. He said it is because i will be leaving him alone and who knows how often I want to meet up with this other person. I feel like he is being selfish. I am so confused. I want to spend my life with the father of my children. We enjoy each other's company but i need more. I can't settle any more. I now have a choice to be alone or alone with my husband. I want to make the rules for once! Do you have any advice for me?

[central]

My ex wife was very LD, though probably not really asexual. It was a hugely frustrating and unsatisfying relationship, and eventually I left largely because of this and associated problems.

 

Best decision I ever made! I found a far, far better relationship with someone who is on the same page sexually, and is a great match in every other way as well.

 

My advice: leave.

[SCShea]

How old were you when you left? I'm so scared!

[SCShea]

Everyone sees my husband and I as the perfect couple including my kids. We get along good. We are just good friends. I wish he was a good enough friend to allow me to explore my own sexuality. All these years I have spent blaming myself (his doing) and then turning off my sexuality to survive. I should have done this when we were first married. I feel so stupid to have stayed.

[TaraMaiden2]

You file for divorce, like I did.

It's simple.

While you're married to him, having sex with someone else is considered adultery.

He doesn't want you to do that.

Well, the only way round what he wants, is to do what you want.

 

And once you're divorced, you will have the liberty to engage in whatever turns you on.

Both figuratively AND literally.

 

I'd feel a lot more scared/stupid if I didn't act upon this now and grab the opportunity with both hands.

 

Don't feel scared OR stupid.

It needs doing.

 

Do it.

[oldshirt]

We get along good. We are just good friends.

 

Any reason to think that you couldn't still remain on friendly terms and effective coparents to the kids if you divorced and lived your own life from a different home?

 

You are basically just platonic friends and coparents now. Would divorcing so you could live a normal life really change that?

 

After all what's he gonna do, go up to the bar and pick up chicks????? I don't think so.

 

He has effectively friendzoned you already so you can likely keep him as a friend and coparent but if you divorce, you will also be able to go out and be alive again and experience passion and intimacy like the Good Lord intended.

 

And he can hang out and not have sex to his heart's delight. You guys can still talk about your day at the end of the day and still work together on kids activities and he can still change the oil in your car and come to your house and kill spiders if none of your boyfriends are there.

 

If you stayed on good terms and remained friends, other than living in a different home and having boyfriends and a social life, what would really be different if you divorced???????? You are already just friends and coparents now.

[sambolini]

At least the former would be on MY terms.

 

Hell yeah! I'm in total agreement with this. Glad you made the decision that you felt was best for you.