"If a guy is interested....he WILL pursue..."

[StBreton]

I know plenty of men (that don't do the online dating thing) and they will never pursue - but have plenty of women going to them.

 

I read that Romanian men, for example, think it's more macho to have the women go after them! (How true this is - I have no idea).

 

Personally - I think it is nonsense. If one person shows the other interest and the other responds - then that's fine. If one person pursues another - and there is no response - that's just creepy/clingy. Yuck!

 

 

Romanian men must be peacocks then? Speaking from an evolutionary standpoint...it is men who pursue women first then all's fair in love and romance:)

[sambolini]

I think that's a common misconception men have about women though.

 

It's not so much "entitlement" as more so it doesn't usually work.

 

Like I mentioned before, for SOME women, pursuing a guy actually works. But for OTHER women, it just doesn't work!

 

The way I view it, if I'm being nice, friendly, engaging, I'm smiling, etc.... then why wouldn't a guy feel comfortable enough to approach me?

 

I would have zero qualms approaching a guy if I felt like it would work in my favor. In MY experience, usually most men know what they want and go after it, so if they are NOT giving me any attention whatsoever, I assume they're not interested. Plain and simple.

 

I'm just tired of guys acting strange whenever I'm being "friendly" towards them. I'm not even asking them on a date, I'm just being NICE, acknowledging them, etc. But even THAT makes them look like a deer caught in highlights.

 

I'd rather just leave it up to them and approach me because then I'll KNOW for sure there must be an interest. Like I said, I don't think women "grow" on men. So, it's better to let the MAN pursue and show that he might have an interest/attraction.

 

Then I'm going to tell you what women tell struggling men.

 

The common factor here is you. Is your life in order? Are you overweight? Are you healthy? Do you have baggage? Are you shooting for men out of your league? Does your approach need some changing up to be more effective?

 

I have personally been approached by women before. And they all succeeded in at least getting one date with me (most evolved into dating and/or a relationship).

 

There has to be a reason why they are succeeding and you are not. Any ideas why?

[loveflower]

T

I have personally been approached by women before. And they all succeeded in at least getting one date with me (most evolved into dating and/or a relationship).

 

I shoot all the men who approached me down. because I have STANDARDS AND I know what I like. I don't like someone just because he approached me.

 

I don't think I would want a man who will accept any woman who approached him. It just shows he is easy and passive. sorry for the harsh words but that's what is in my mind.

 

I think the maximum a woman needs to do is show interest. If after that, a man still doesn't approach you, then he is not that into you or ... you guess it!

Edited November 6, 2015 by loveflower

[preraph]

Title of Thread: If a Guy is Interested...He WILL Pursue.

 

I think this is 100% accurate IF he's ready for a relationship. If he's not ready because of any myriad of reasons, such as one of you is already in a relationship, too recently hurt, has a social deficit, he won't pursue even though he's interested because he is not ready. If he was ready and equipped for a relationship, he'd pursue.

[Shining One]

Like I mentioned before, for SOME women, pursuing a guy actually works. But for OTHER women, it just doesn't work!

It has been my experience that the women who make this claim do not have anywhere close enough to equal sample sizes.

 

Example: A woman has been pursued by twenty men and several of those resulted in relationships. She pursued three men and none of those turned into relationships. Conclusion: Pursuing men doesn't work.

 

As you can see, this logic is flawed.

[Shining One]

I shoot all the men who approached me down. because I have STANDARDS AND I know what I like. I don't like someone just because he approached me.

 

I don't think I would want a man who will accept any woman who approached him. It just shows he is easy and passive. sorry for the harsh words but that's what is in my mind.

Not all standards can be checked at first glance. In my case, a lot of women will meet my physical standards. However, very few meet my non-physical standards. I need at least one date to determine compatibility. Thus, the majority of women who ask me out would get that first date, but not many will make it to the relationship phase. Does that make me easy and passive?

[sambolini]

Not all standards can be checked at first glance. In my case, a lot of women will meet my physical standards. However, very few meet my non-physical standards. I need at least one date to determine compatibility. Thus, the majority of women who ask me out would get that first date, but not many will make it to the relationship phase. Does that make me easy and passive?

 

This right here.

 

I got lucky in that most of the women who approached me were beautiful and highly intelligent. They had their share of issues which ultimately led to us no longer being together, but they were deserving of at least a chance.

 

Have I turned down women before? Sure. I don't date just anybody. But I'm highly inclined to say yes if a pretty lady pursues me.

[xxoo]

I have no problem pursuing, but a woman who says "I never pursue" is a red flag for me. You want something, yet expect it to come to you? Life doesn't work that way. If you want something, you gotta go work for it.

 

It just screams entitlement to me.

 

Except that dating does work that way for many women.

 

That doesn't mean we don't work at relationships, but generally women don't have to work at attracting a man.

[loveflower]

Not all standards can be checked at first glance. In my case, a lot of women will meet my physical standards. However, very few meet my non-physical standards. I need at least one date to determine compatibility. Thus, the majority of women who ask me out would get that first date, but not many will make it to the relationship phase. Does that make me easy and passive?

 

I don't know what you meant by physical appearance.

 

I think the face is connected with the body and facial expression/the way a person look is connected with the spirit.

 

so I can pretty much tell if I like someone by first glance. maybe I am just very intuitive.

[AD1980]

Except that dating does work that way for many women.

 

That doesn't mean we don't work at relationships, but generally women don't have to work at attracting a man.

 

Which is why we always say how much easier it is for a women.

[phineas]

Easy solution. Not with her, cause there is nothing there anyway, but for the first few dates with a new woman, plan things that don't cost much money!

 

No fancy dinners, nights on the town, etc. Do low key stuff, and trust me if there is chemistry and you are both clicking, she won't care!

 

She'll be happy just spending time with you.... getting to know you.

 

And if you get the sense all she's into is being "taken out" to dinners, dancing, drinks, etc.....then it's next! Just like you did with this chick...

 

I know.

Both dates probably cost $35 each.

Nothing fancy at all.

I just got annoyed when she acted like she was excited to go out with me again the whole week then acted totally opposite when i was out with her.

 

annoying.

I could of gone to the gym.

[filani]

 

Like I mentioned before, for SOME women, pursuing a guy actually works. But for OTHER women, it just doesn't work!

 

The way I view it, if I'm being nice, friendly, engaging, I'm smiling, etc.... then why wouldn't a guy feel comfortable enough to approach me?

 

You DO Realize that this door swings both ways right?

 

I would have zero qualms approaching a guy if I felt like it would work in my favor. In MY experience, usually most men know what they want and go after it, so if they are NOT giving me any attention whatsoever, I assume they're not interested. Plain and simple.

 

So you want a sure thing? Is it so strange to think that guys in general like a sure thing as well?

 

I'm just tired of guys acting strange whenever I'm being "friendly" towards them. I'm not even asking them on a date, I'm just being NICE, acknowledging them, etc. But even THAT makes them look like a deer caught in highlights.

 

I'd rather just leave it up to them and approach me because then I'll KNOW for sure there must be an interest. Like I said, I don't think women "grow" on men. So, it's better to let the MAN pursue and show that he might have an interest/attraction.

 

Again, you want a sure thing! Guys don't grow on women either so then it only makes sense for guys to NOT CHASE/PURSUE!!!

If I have to chase you then you're not really into me...plain and simple.

[AD1980]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But see....when men say this, what I've always found is that what they REALLY mean is that they prefer women they are INTERESTED IN or ATTRACTED to coming to them. You wouldn't want just any woman coming to you would you?

 

I've just always heard that there's a caveat to that.....You want a woman YOU want making the first move.

 

How are women any different? They want men to approach that they are attracted to as well.

[xxoo]

Which is why we always say how much easier it is for a women.

 

Attracting is much easier for women, yes.

 

Of course, there's a lot more to the process of dating than that.

[AD1980]

Why though? Why do you have to be sure before you ask a woman out?

 

Not getting that. Why not take a risk? What's the worst that can happen? She says no, so what? Will you die if she says no?

 

No you won't, life goes on.... and you grow stronger as a result.

 

But wait! What if she says yes!! Did that ever occur to you?

 

I just don't get why people can't take a chance anymore. It's like they think they will die or something if they get rejected. They have to be 100% sure before they will risk it.

 

In fact they anticipate rejection! How freaking sad.

 

Why not anticipate that she might say yes!

 

What the hell happened to the men in our society today? How did they grow up to be such pansies who can't take a chance without being *sure*???

 

Not all guys obviously, but many. It wasn't always this way. I am not old (37) but I remember a time when men were men and had no problem taking a risk.

 

So sad.

 

Kinda harsh. Not all men are wired the same way nor are women.

 

Some men like myself are shy and not good at approaching strangers and more sensitive to rejection then others.

 

Plus I'd imagine if you're a good looking man then approaching women and flirting is extremely fun since you know you're gonna have sucess..for unattractive men such as myself who only get rejected when we approach or have women show zero interest at all in a convo and move on approaching is quite a chore and far from fun..

[AD1980]

Attracting is much easier for women, yes.

 

Of course, there's a lot more to the process of dating than that.

 

That first step of getting your foot in the door is pretty important and hard for a lot of us so the more chances you have at plate the more chance you have if sucess..

[xxoo]

That first step of getting your foot in the door is pretty important and hard for a lot of us so the more chances you have at plate the more chance you have if sucess..

 

Nobody said it's supposed to be easy to approach. That's part of the reason it's attractive Courage, confidence, ambition. Showing off those masculine traits.

[kilgore]

Nobody said it's supposed to be easy to approach. That's part of the reason it's attractive Courage, confidence, ambition. Showing off those masculine traits.

 

Are those masculine traits or just good traits?

[StBreton]

Nobody said it's supposed to be easy to approach. That's part of the reason it's attractive Courage, confidence, ambition. Showing off those masculine traits.

 

 

Exactly... risk is inherent to being a man. If men didn't take risks...they didn't eat. What is with guys these days? Tea cup children...tea cup men

 

I have 2 young boys...I'm raising them to be men...I guarantee they will not be on this forum in 10 years wondering if they should pursue or not (or how to pursue... and they will not be emotional if they pursued and failed!!)...who were your parents?????!!!

 

My 14 yr old son insisted I stop at our RV before going out so he could pick up his "cologne" (he left it there) so he could smell nice before meeting "friends" at the mall...that's after spending $100 for 2 new pairs of levi's skinny jeans so he could look his best. He's going for it...AND he doesn't care if he fails here and there...it's all part of making it happen for himself.

 

This kid has game already and he's got a lot going on to back it up ... he knows his worth ... but he also knows a girl's worth (cause I make sure he's a respectful young man:)

[AD1980]

Nobody said it's supposed to be easy to approach. That's part of the reason it's attractive Courage, confidence, ambition. Showing off those masculine traits.

 

Welp it hasn't helped me attract women. so I don't even put myself out there anymore. Strictly approaching a women isn't attractive to her unless she's also physically attracted to the man.

 

If I'm gonna ever get a women she'll approach me otherwise I'll stay single. Like you said don't approach women unless she's giving you signs so until I get one I have no reason to approach anyway.

Edited November 7, 2015 by AD1980

[Zapbasket]

Pursuit doesn't necessarily indicate interest.

 

Some guys like the challenge. Pursuing doesn't mean he wants her or cares about her well being. For some men, pursuing is just a means to an end of getting what they want.

 

It's possible that a guy pursuing has nothing more than his own selfish wants at heart.

 

What a great thread; I've had the same question as the OP.

 

I think you're right, MidKnightDreams, that pursuit and interest aren't the same things, necessarily. I recently was very avidly pursued by someone who professed all kinds of interest in me (i.e., "You're so smart, wow; you're so beautiful; you are amazing," blah blah), but who seemed never to hear a word I said, especially when I told him to slow down and stop pushing so hard. I realized after a few times out together that he may have THOUGHT he was interested in me, but I didn't feel he was interested in getting to know how I tick, but rather interested in getting what HE wanted. It was all about him. I kicked him swiftly to the curb.

 

Another guy asked me out and on our date, he did not ask me a single question about me. Not one thing. It also was like pulling teeth to get anything out of him and frankly, had I not put in so much effort to carry the interaction, the date would have just died. Surprisingly, he asked for a second date, and I said no thank you, because I figured he couldn't be truly interested in me if he couldn't ask me so much as where I'm from.

 

I try to keep my radar open for someone who seems like they're genuinely interested in learning about me, beyond "scoring" a date or such. In turn, I try to indicate my interest by showing genuine interest in learning about them. My problem is that I'm really good at striking up conversations generally, and I'm flirtatious without even trying to be, so sometimes I give guys the impression that I'm interested when I'm really not. I don't know how to correct this but I'm trying to be much more careful about what signals I give off.

 

From my relationship experience, I think it's give and take, like Donnivain said. I think it's important for both parties to make clear gestures of interest, but then to step back and give space to see what the other person does. It's not playing games, but taking time to read the other person's intentions.

 

I dunno. Curious to keep reading others' thoughts.

[sambolini]

Except that dating does work that way for many women.

 

That doesn't mean we don't work at relationships, but generally women don't have to work at attracting a man.

 

Yes and no. If a guy thinks a woman is attractive, sex with him may be a sure thing. The real question is, is she relationship worthy?

 

I can think of quite a few women I'd have wild money sex with in a heartbeat, but I'd never get into a relationship with. To make me want that relationship, she's going to have to work at it. I don't enter into exclusivity very often, so when I do, it really means something.

 

But it doesn't take much for me to walk away from it. I like a quiet, simple life, and have very little patience for drama.

 

Physical attraction is superficial. Emotional attraction goes much deeper. I don't fall in love very easily, nor do I give it unconditionally (except to my daughter).

 

That's the caveat; women who rely solely on physical attraction (which I'm not saying you do) are neglecting the other components of what makes a man continually attracted to them.

 

I don't care how hot a woman is; if I don't like her personally, I don't pursue.

[StBreton]

Welp it hasn't helped me attract women. so I don't even put myself out there anymore. Strictly approaching a women isn't attractive to her unless she's also physically attracted to the man.

 

If I'm gonna ever get a women she'll approach me otherwise I'll stay single. Like you said don't approach women unless she's giving you signs so until I get one I have no reason to approach anyway.

 

 

Waiting to be "picked" for the game instead of making your own game then?

 

Is that what our parents taught you? They were wrong.

[StBreton]

Pursuit doesn't necessarily indicate interest.

 

Some guys like the challenge. Pursuing doesn't mean he wants her or cares about her well being. For some men, pursuing is just a means to an end of getting what they want.

 

It's possible that a guy pursuing has nothing more than his own selfish wants at heart.

 

Possibly true MKD ... that is why smart girls hold back.

[Zapbasket]

Not mad.

 

However i get the feeling she is more than happy to let me keep taking her out and paying even though she isn't interested and therefore I'm going to not see her again.

 

I can't imagine that a woman who is not interested will continue to let the guy take her out. No "free meal," to MOST women, is worth spending time in company they don't enjoy. It seems possible to me that maybe this woman you went out with was just taking it slow. I know for me I don't want to make out, etc. until I have had an opportunity to get to know the guy a bit. Especially where I am in my life now, where I've had my heart badly broken a couple of times and I am very consciously now looking for more of a connection, beyond attraction.

 

It just seems you might have jumped the gun in losing interest in this woman based on what you *think* was her lack of interest in you. Maybe?