Mystique01 Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Okay, here's a question for the guys.... Most of my life I have had the belief that "if a guy is interested...he will pursue you..." I've been fed that line many times before. And based on personal experience, that logic is definitely true! Whenever I went AFTER a guy, it would never work out. But whenever I let the guy come to ME (ie. meaning he's definitely shown that he's attracted to me, he's interested, he talks to me, etc) things usually work out SO much better! Even super SHY guys in the past who were interested in me eventually made a move later on down the line. But then, often I hear (or even read on message boards) an overwhelming amount of guys saying that this sentiment (guys will always pursue) is NOT always true! Some guys SWEAR that they won't always pursue a girl they are interested in or catches their eye (assuming the guy is SINGLE of course), and they will be just fine leaving things up to chance! So....tell me guys... If there is a girl you meet/know of and you're REALLY interested in her, or you're really attracted to her (you just have to get to know her better), for the most part, will you pursue her or try to at least talk to her and be in her company? Or do you sometimes leave things up to chance (ie. wait for the girl to show interest in YOU first, wait for the girl to pursue YOU, or see if the girl has other qualities that you like)? BE HONEST! Because from my experience usually a guy who is interested WILL do/say something, even it took him days, weeks, months, or even YEARS to do so! Link to post Share on other sites
ravfour4 Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Most advice I read tells the guy to be calm, collected, cool and confident and let the woman do all of the chasing. My past 3 relationships have involved me showing my interest initially and then them doing the chasing from there on out. The reason it doesn't work when you chase them isn't because you chased them, it's because they weren't interested to begin with. Really no one should do the chasing, but the person who's most interested should demonstrate that interest. The more my current gf showed me her interest, the more I felt confident caring about her and the better everything became. Just act and then react. Show interest and if it doesn't go well, step away and see if he comes to you. If it goes well, keep showing interest and don't try to be manipulative and play games. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
empresario Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I think that advice mostly applies to guys that you're already speaking to or dating. There are tons of guys that have a hard time initiating conversations, expressing desire, or otherwise showing interest. More have problems with that than are decent at it. Know what we call guys that leave things to chance? Single. And broke. You put yourself in the position to succeed. Luck is a myth. But I am on the side of the fence that if you are dating a guy and he wants things to continue...he will try really really hard. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Maxtor Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 When I am interested, I dont pursue. But thats just me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I'm a woman. However there is a balance. As the woman you have to do Something to communicate to the guy that you would welcome his pursuit. You can't just sit home, never going out, never smiling at people, ignoring the whole world & expect some guy to swoop in & magically know it's OK to talk to you. For example, I met a guy at a singles' mixer several years ago. We got to talking about work. Turned out he was in the market to hire somebody in my field to do a project. When it was time for me to take my leave, because I had another appointment after the singles' event, I handed him my business card. When I did, I told him I'd be happy to address his professional need but I'd be happier if called me for social reasons. A few days later he called. When we went out to dinner on our date, he confessed that if I had not said that he never would have had the nerve to ask me out because he thought I was out of his league & until I said that he didn't think I was interested. I was blown away because I thought I was shamelessly flirting my butt off. Chasing doesn't always net good results but sometimes you do have to practically hit a guy over the head with a proverbial 2x4 to make sure he knows he has a green light & if he asks for a date your answer will be yes, It's scary & intimidating for many guys to always have to risk rejection by being the one who asks. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I'm not a guy but I prefer men to be leaders in the pursuit. I will of course make sure the guy knows that I like him and am interested in him. I will flirt with him, strike up conversation etc. I'm also happy to make date suggestions and I believe in balanced communication. However chasing a guy more than he's chasing me and going after him against my better instincts is not in my nature. It honestly makes me feel like the man in the relationship. It makes me feel utterly uncomfortable. I know it works for some women but it's just not my kind of thing. When I was 18, I chased more. I'd send text after text and I would try and push the relationship to the next level faster but it was very anxiety inducing. If my more laid back approach now puts off a few guys then so be it. I'd rather be genuine. Call me anti-feminist if you like. But to me feminism is embracing all kinds of femininity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 The reason it doesn't work when you chase them isn't because you chased them, it's because they weren't interested to begin with. This. If someone chases you, they are, by definition, interested. If you chase someone, you don't know that they are interested. So there is a fair chance that they are not. But you will at least find out. Doing nothing leaves it a lot more likely that nothing will happen, because a lot of guys are pretty poor at chasing. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
siriusp Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 The last guy I liked told me he never makes the first move - not sure if that is the same as perusing? (I'm guessing it is)? I think he was a very shy person but still had plenty of women make the first move - so he doesn't really have any problems with this. Link to post Share on other sites
oberkeat Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Okay, here's a question for the guys.... Most of my life I have had the belief that "if a guy is interested...he will pursue you..." This is not always true. It is very hard to approach an attractive woman and strike up a conversation with her that leads to getting her number. It is not one of my skills. When I see an attractive girl, I have no way of knowing if she is taken or not interested, so my default is to do nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Chasing doesn't always net good results but sometimes you do have to practically hit a guy over the head with a proverbial 2x4 to make sure he knows he has a green light & if he asks for a date your answer will be yes, It's scary & intimidating for many guys to always have to risk rejection by being the one who asks. I'm starting to learn this. Never because I think I'm too good for a guy - quite the contrary in fact. I just assume that odds are the guy won't be interested in me at all or he will be taken, only being friendly etc. Not to do myself down but why would he be interested in me? Why am I so special? So I am honestly completely cynical and genuinely surprised when a man has romantic interest in me. So often that I miss my chance to show him without a doubt that I'm interested. I probably think I'm showing my interest but it comes across as too subtle. I don't believe it's above me to show interest in the guy. But I need help to do this in the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
siriusp Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 This. If someone chases you, they are, by definition, interested. If you chase someone, you don't know that they are interested. So there is a fair chance that they are not. But you will at least find out. Doing nothing leaves it a lot more likely that nothing will happen, because a lot of guys are pretty poor at chasing. How would you define 'chase'? The last guy that I liked - would send me endless messages about how he missed me and couldn't wait to talk to me etc. but would then blank me when I'd say hello the next day - (he did say he would explain all when we met but)? That's not really chasing is it? (It's certainly confusing)! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Doing nothing leaves it a lot more likely that nothing will happen, because a lot of guys are pretty poor at chasing. Probably the truth I need to hear - that not every guy behaves like those dating books suggest! Plus I've learned now through crappy experiences, that actually I've had some guys who were only interested in one thing going on full scale pursuit. So it's by no means an indication of genuine interest at all. If a guy is chasing you a lot, you can't assume anything from it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
siriusp Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Probably the truth I need to hear - that not every guy behaves like those dating books suggest! Plus I've learned now through crappy experiences, that actually I've had some guys who were only interested in one thing going on full scale pursuit. So it's by no means an indication of genuine interest at all. If a guy is chasing you a lot, you can't assume anything from it. Absolutely. I know that my grandparents dated for seven years before getting married - he was a gentleman for those seven years - when they got married - he showed his true colors: Monster. That often makes me wonder about the whole dating thing - in the end it seems to be a matter of luck! Great thread by the way.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 How would you define 'chase'? The last guy that I liked - would send me endless messages about how he missed me and couldn't wait to talk to me etc. but would then blank me when I'd say hello the next day - (he did say he would explain all when we met but)? That's not really chasing is it? (It's certainly confusing)! Yeah I dunno what that is, other than pretty weird behaviour! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I wonder how many mutual interests have been missed over time due to both parties playing the 'hard to get' game. I'm a female, and I definitely don't pursue much at the beginning. I will reciprocate interest, but never make myself vulnerable in any way for quite a long time. That's not something I'm proud of or part of my 'game', it's just out of fear based indifference basically. Or... that I don't usually care about anything enough to risk rejection or going out of my way. If guys never pursued me I would never date basically. But I think that to an extent it can be about compatibility.. some people are naturally chasers/pursuers while others need to be chased/pursued. If i forced myself to chase someone I doubt I would be happy with them no matter how much I liked them because our relationship styles wouldn't be compatible. I wouldn't feel secure and loved if I weren't pursued. And I assume there is some thinking like that for the people that are pursuers. That they need to chase the person to feel comfortable in whatever way... just do what you're comfortable with in my opinion.. stop playing games and just do what feels natural? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Okay, here's a question for the guys.... Most of my life I have had the belief that "if a guy is interested...he will pursue you..." I've been fed that line many times before. And based on personal experience, that logic is definitely true! Whenever I went AFTER a guy, it would never work out. But whenever I let the guy come to ME (ie. meaning he's definitely shown that he's attracted to me, he's interested, he talks to me, etc) things usually work out SO much better! Even super SHY guys in the past who were interested in me eventually made a move later on down the line. The problem with this sentiment is that it isn't a closed loop. The assumption being that a woman simply has to walk through a room and all interested men will come after her. Most men need some indication that their overtures are welcomed and not an annoyance. There have probably been several men around you that were interested, but because they didn't see a clue/hint/opening chose not to do anything. The reason being is that they didn't see any indications that you wanted them. Now, once the ice has been broken I am more inclined to agree. You've at least developed a rapport and he has some ideas of boundaries. I would tell my nieces that if a guy isn't calling you for dates (once she's shown to be receptive) its because he's simply not interested. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
siriusp Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Yeah I dunno what that is, other than pretty weird behaviour! hehehe... yes. You gave me an idea for a new thread.............. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Just because I'm interested doesn't mean I walk up to her. I respect women too much to hit on her. Something needs to spark a conversation in part because I'm not good with small talk in that initial hit on stage. The way I've met people have been online or from getting to know someone over time after a few times talking to each other. I can't read the difference between being nice snd interested. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 It's not true at all. Some guys don't know what to do or how to do it. Some guys lack confidence. Some lack initiative. There are many interested guys who won't approach for a variety of reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
JasmineJones Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Yeah, he'll chase you, and so he should. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 when it comes to online dating, i frequently do not pursue women i like. The reason is that all the BS wears down your patience over time, so women who play hard to get are impossible to distinguish from those multitudes of women who are not interested. so you just next them quick smart. Link to post Share on other sites
ltjg45 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 It's not always true. As a guy, I have ran across a few women that I had some interest in, however I was never so interested in her that I felt that I had to chase her. To me, even though I liked her, I also felt that if I were to lose her, it is no big loss. However, if I see her with a guy besides her and it looks like her partner or if I am at work, etc etc, I don't make it obvious that I like her. In fact, I actually don't show it at all to avoid looking like I am being creepy or stalking her. There's a fine line. Another thing that I take note is whether or not she likes me. Does she show expression towards me that she doesn't do with other guys? Is she willing to advance a conversation as opposed to giving short word answers? These things matter because I can tell that if I were to ask her out, whether or not she would be interested if she is truly available. I am not completely passive but I am nowhere close to being aggressive like most guys is. I do believe that if a woman truly likes me, she will make it obvious and I can decide from there if I want to approach her or not. Far easier than being very aggressive and hoping the dice rolls in my favor once every few months. Link to post Share on other sites
Zippy2000 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 I'm a woman. However there is a balance. As the woman you have to do Something to communicate to the guy that you would welcome his pursuit. I totally agree with this. I've always been the pursuer but I need a green light for me to go ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
seekingluck Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 This. If someone chases you, they are, by definition, interested. If you chase someone, you don't know that they are interested. So there is a fair chance that they are not. But you will at least find out. Doing nothing leaves it a lot more likely that nothing will happen, because a lot of guys are pretty poor at chasing. I have uncovered if I chase, it really sets up the wrong dynamic in the relationship. I chase, I plan all the dates, I make all the decisions...and suddenly I end up getting annoyed. So I don't like to chase. I will put forth a little effort if you have given me enough signs it is clear to do so. But you need to show the initial signals. And ask me out. But I'l drop some hints to let you know what I am open to doing with you! Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Pursuit doesn't necessarily indicate interest. Some guys like the challenge. Pursuing doesn't mean he wants her or cares about her well being. For some men, pursuing is just a means to an end of getting what they want. It's possible that a guy pursuing has nothing more than his own selfish wants at heart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts