Upset about my wifes past

[autumnnight]

I love how the wife lies to him about her past, about STD's, etc. and the guy is the bad one. It's "oh the poor wife" and all that. Yes, poor her..having to get rid of journals talking about her many many many sexual escapades. Poor her having to be HONEST with her hubby. Poor her having a husband who expects honesty from his wife.

 

I also love how not wanting a wife who was the town bike(giving everyone a ride) means you want a virgin who is as pure as the driven snow. I also love how getting rid of journals about you sleeping with other men that you know are hurting your husband..is a thing some posters feel she shouldn't do. I don't care if they are a connection to the past, it's time to think about the present. Plus you always hear people spouting stuff about "past is the past" whenever a man has a problem with a womans past. So okay, past is the past, she doesn't need to keep around reminders of her past one night stands and her cheating.

 

Can't have it both ways, either the past is the past or it isn't. If it is she doesn't need to keep journals about other men around. If there is ever going to be a time in the future where she wants to go back and re-read entries about cheating and ONS's there is a big big issue.

 

Here's the thing....except for the STD, which I think is a pretty big deal, he knew pretty much all this BEFORE he deicded to marry her. He knew she had multiple partners. He knew she had casual sex. He married her anyway. In his initial posts he indicated that he felt bad reading the journals and that he sincerely wanted to get over and through it and return to what HE reported was a happy marriage to a good wife.

 

Then...surprise surprise......it morphed and changed until she is some whore he has never trusted, she is pining for all her old lovers, and he wonders if she was actually faithful after all.

 

I guess the whiplash just confuses me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Here's the thing....except for the STD, which I think is a pretty big deal, he knew pretty much all this BEFORE he deicded to marry her. He knew she had multiple partners. He knew she had casual sex.

 

Including the casual and non-exclusive sexual relationship she had with the OP.

 

Beating a dead horse when I say this is more about his need to rewrite history than her need to justify her past...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheGuard13]

I still don't see what getting rid of her journals will actually accomplish. It's just beyond silly, symbolic gesture notwithstanding.

 

I get it. He's upset that she lied and misrepresented herself, and they need to discuss that and resolve it. If they can't, there's not likely to be any trust in this relationship moving forward.

 

He's obviously majorly retroactively jealous and hurt about her lying about her past, which he clearly considered when going in for the long haul, and for that he probably needs some personal counseling, if only to help him decide what he really wants. Counseling for both of them wouldn't be a bad idea.

[road]

I still don't see what getting rid of her journals will actually accomplish. It's just beyond silly, symbolic gesture notwithstanding.

 

I get it. He's upset that she lied and misrepresented herself, and they need to discuss that and resolve it. If they can't, there's not likely to be any trust in this relationship moving forward.

 

He's obviously majorly retroactively jealous and hurt about her lying about her past, which he clearly considered when going in for the long haul, and for that he probably needs some personal counseling, if only to help him decide what he really wants. Counseling for both of them wouldn't be a bad idea.

 

 

So simple that I cannot believe that so many people do not see this.

 

 

The relics of past relationships, journals, photos, gifts, jewelry, cards, love letters, this list of examples can easily go on, only serve to show that the person saving them is placing more importance on keeping those memories alive or at the minimum keeping a link to help recall memories that time erodes.

 

 

Those relics only show the husband that his wife is more concerned with recalling the past or being able to whenever she needs assistance then. Those efforts need to be spent on living in the now.

 

 

Specially when a husband cannot perform as good as she has had in the past. How is a husband to get past that when the wife keeps things to prevent him from forgetting this?

 

 

The past cannot be undone. Though that does not make it ok to keep romantic mementos from past relationships.

 

 

This wife does not need to recall the wild monkey sex she had years ago, or whatever else that she wants to revel in. She should be working to be having wild gorilla sex with her husband now.

[autumnnight]

The journals won't erase the past, but getting rid of them would at least be a gesture of empathy on the wife's part. I'm sorry, but a married woman doesn't need a detailed written account of her personal sexual growth. If they were just plain old diaries about life, maybe. But sex journals? Nope.

[jh21]

The journals won't erase the past, but getting rid of them would at least be a gesture of empathy on the wife's part. I'm sorry, but a married woman doesn't need a detailed written account of her personal sexual growth. If they were just plain old diaries about life, maybe. But sex journals? Nope.

 

She said that she doesn't think getting rid of the journals or photos will change anything. I said it's a start.

 

That crap should have been gone long ago. Especially those journals. Yes, I shouldn't have read them and maybe I am a bit insecure because of how we started but they should have been gone or at least hidden away for no-one to find.

 

Maybe I do have retroactive jealousy. I don't think my sex drive has changed but she fully admits hers has. It saddens me to hear her say this especially with what I know. I get it....life, job, kids. Alot is different from when we were both 20 but I feel just.....sad.

[beatcuff]

So simple that I cannot believe that so many people do not see this.

 

actually, problem solved:

 

So she took out the pages of her grandma and burnt them

 

oh wait, no it isn't

 

but now it feels worse for me because I was hoping she would do it on her own without me harassing her but she didn't.

 

then again.

 

She should be working to be having wild gorilla sex with her husband now.

 

but that ignores:

 

For the longest time, years actually, we drifted apart. Mainly because the kids but alot had to do with us not putting in the time or caring about the marriage actually.

 

guess this was not really about the journals after all.

 

maybe it was not so simple or many of us saw thru the fog.

[Horton]

This wife does not need to recall the wild monkey sex she had years ago, or whatever else that she wants to revel in.

 

If the journals were just sitting in the basement going unread and collecting dust then I could excuse this as just a case of hoarder like behavior on the part of the wife, but if she had these journals in a place where she can regularly read them then I don't believe there's any other reason to have them than what you've stated.

 

There's also the red flags of the wife not getting rid of the journals even when she knows how much this hurts her husband and the fact that she was caught searching out her ex fling on facebook, the same fling she had while casually dating the OP. Personally I don't believe any of this warrants a divorce, but I would sure be asking a lot of questions if that were my wife. Judging by the amount of apologists on this thread I think it's fair to assume that there are a lot of well hidden journals in many poster's homes.

[Mr. Lucky]

Judging by the amount of apologists on this thread I think it's fair to assume that there are a lot of well hidden journals in many poster's homes.

 

Wow, you're right. I do recall seeing a picture in an old album in the attic of my wife with her high-school BF at the beach. Forget the fact she's been a good and faithful spouse, she's outta here!

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

Judging by the amount of apologists on this thread I think it's fair to assume that there are a lot of well hidden journals in many poster's homes.

 

I don't have any journals. I used to journal online, but you can bet I don't do that anymore.

 

Anyway, my pre-marriage journals would consist of "Does he like me? He hasn't kissed me yet" and "He finally kissed me goodnight. Does it mean anything? I hope God puts us together."

 

I do find it funny that everyone who isn't crucifying the wife (which is 90% of the responders) must be immoral or tainted in some way.....

[jh21]

I don't have any journals. I used to journal online, but you can bet I don't do that anymore.

 

Anyway, my pre-marriage journals would consist of "Does he like me? He hasn't kissed me yet" and "He finally kissed me goodnight. Does it mean anything? I hope God puts us together."

 

I do find it funny that everyone who isn't crucifying the wife (which is 90% of the responders) must be immoral or tainted in some way.....

 

If that was all that I read in her journals you can be damn sure I wouldn't have been on the edge of a freaking nervous breakdown to the point where I had to go to the doc to get anti-anxiety medication.

[jh21]

actually, problem solved:

 

 

 

oh wait, no it isn't

 

 

 

then again.

 

 

 

but that ignores:

 

 

 

guess this was not really about the journals after all.

 

maybe it was not so simple or many of us saw thru the fog.

 

From about 2012 to just recently (4, 5 months ago) our marriage wasnin shambles. We were basically roomates because of all the changes. Kids, life, jobs etc.

 

The I realized if I want this marriage to work some changes will need to be made. So we started going on date nights, taking time for each other and started being nice to each other. The sex slowly came back.

 

It was around this time I found the journals and basically became bat sh@t crazy from what I read. I honestly went to the doctor to get meds prescribed. So for this past 4 months, I have been going back and forth from trying to make the marriage work to remembering a trigger that would set me off. The biggest one was the stuff about the weekend fling and her searching him out in 2013 when I almost left.

 

So that is why I came on here looking for some help to forget what I read in those journals. No I dont think my wife is a whore or a bad person. She is a great mom and getting to be a good wife again. I just cant get the stuff out of my head of the lies (STD's, ONS's and # of guys) as well as the stuff I read about the guy with the weekend fling and FB search.

 

We have been to counselling 3 timesm. Once after I was going to leave in 2013 because of her searching him and twice since I have read those journals. But I think I need to go alone to find a way to deal with the stuff I meantioned above because I do want to make things work.

 

In both counselling sessions the lady said to get rid of the journals and pics in order to move forward. That was two months ago and I was dissapointed that it took me having to go to her to get rid of them. She didn't do her part unless I pressured her. Which is why her getting rid of them didn't help as much as it could have.

[Spectre]

Here's the thing....except for the STD, which I think is a pretty big deal, he knew pretty much all this BEFORE he deicded to marry her. He knew she had multiple partners. He knew she had casual sex. He married her anyway. In his initial posts he indicated that he felt bad reading the journals and that he sincerely wanted to get over and through it and return to what HE reported was a happy marriage to a good wife.

 

Uh except he didn't know pretty much everything. It wasn't just the STD, did you read the thread? She lied to him about the number of men she was with, and I think also how in the past she cheated.

 

Then...surprise surprise......it morphed and changed until she is some whore he has never trusted, she is pining for all her old lovers, and he wonders if she was actually faithful after all.

 

But that isn't all that is being said about her. So you see the morphing was done on both sides, because this guy was morphed into some kind of evil demon. Nobody here can speak on if he ever trusted her or not, if the OP makes that claim fine.

 

Also since he was lied to about her past you can't suggest it isn't possible she lied about other things.

 

I guess the whiplash just confuses me.

 

Yeah, and the whiplash against the guy confuses me, so it goes both ways. People act like he enacted some kind of "Misery" situation onto this woman. He was outright VILLIFIED for being upset his friggin wife lied to him. He was vilified, but some people bent over backwards to excuse the wifes shady behavior.

Edited October 1, 2015 by Spectre

[Spectre]

I don't have any journals. I used to journal online, but you can bet I don't do that anymore.

 

Anyway, my pre-marriage journals would consist of "Does he like me? He hasn't kissed me yet" and "He finally kissed me goodnight. Does it mean anything? I hope God puts us together."

 

I do find it funny that everyone who isn't crucifying the wife (which is 90% of the responders) must be immoral or tainted in some way.....

 

I like how you seem to think pointing out she shouldn't be lying to her husband about..well, anything is crucifying her. How saying she should get rid of the journals about all her little bang buddies is crucifying her.

 

Nobody came and said "oh well she had sex in the past, OFF WITH HER HEAD!!". You also realize as the topic went on the stuff against her probably got more extreme because people were doing the same damn thing to the husband? You have to admit both sides played to extremes. He shows he is upset over the numerous partners she has had(and lied about) and people come in saying "oh well why don't you just go get a virgin" even though he never actually said he wanted a virgin.

 

He didn't go beat the sh*t out of his wife when he found this. He confronted her, told her how it made him felt, and asked her repeatedly to get rid of entries about sleeping with other dudes. She lies to him about STD's and stuff and his only request is to get rid of the journals and she couldn't even do that.

 

I still don't see what getting rid of her journals will actually accomplish. It's just beyond silly, symbolic gesture notwithstanding.

 

I get it. He's upset that she lied and misrepresented herself, and they need to discuss that and resolve it. If they can't, there's not likely to be any trust in this relationship moving forward.

 

He's obviously majorly retroactively jealous and hurt about her lying about her past, which he clearly considered when going in for the long haul, and for that he probably needs some personal counseling, if only to help him decide what he really wants. Counseling for both of them wouldn't be a bad idea.

 

You know what it accomplishes? The husband said it would make him feel better and it would be a start. Boom. Nothing besides that should need to be said. Since I sure as hell don't see what her keeping journals about her sexual escapades accomplishes either. So again this goes both ways. If she needs to read up on past sexual consequences and relive her multiple instances of cheating then there is a major issue.

 

So here is the thing: you might not see what it accomplishes, but everyone is different. The journals are the source of the lies he discovered, it's not being unrealistic to want her to get rid of the pages about her and other men since they serve no purpose. Unless her journals about cheating and std's are like a security blanket for her. Her past isn't the main issue..the fact he has repeatedly asked her to get rid of certain pages and she hesitated is the biggest issue.

 

But I just find it incredibly odd because you are not this man so you have no way of knowing what getting rid of the journals would accomplish. It might just give the guy some peace of mind and who knows maybe it won't change anything, but then you know what? If that is how things turn out then really all that has been lost are some journal pages about her past sexual escapades with strangers. So we weigh the potential loss of a spouse to the loss of..journal entries about the wild sexual past of this person. The same wild sexuality that the man she married has to beg for. Strangers met in bars can get it, but not the hubby.

Edited October 1, 2015 by Spectre

[jh21]

Uh except he didn't know pretty much everything. It wasn't just the STD, did you read the thread? She lied to him about the number of men she was with, and I think also how in the past she cheated.

 

 

 

But that isn't all that is being said about her. So you see the morphing was done on both sides, because this guy was morphed into some kind of evil demon. Nobody here can speak on if he ever trusted her or not, if the OP makes that claim fine.

 

Also since he was lied to about her past you can't suggest it isn't possible she lied about other things.

 

 

 

Yeah, and the whiplash against the guy confuses me, so it goes both ways. People act like he enacted some kind of "Misery" situation onto this woman.

 

We discussed the lies and said I was upset.

 

I also told her because of her past history of cheating on all her boyfriends as well as her searching out a former fling I was concerned that she wasn't faithful since we have been together. She said she has never cheated and I do believe her but it is tough because of her past as well as the lies when we started.

 

But, we have communicated these things but now she is uncomfortable or embarrased by what I know of her past as well as the lies.

[Mr. Lucky]

How saying she should get rid of the journals about all her little bang buddies is crucifying her... He shows he is upset over the numerous partners she has had(and lied about) ...Since I sure as hell don't see what her keeping journals about her sexual escapades accomplishes either.

 

I knew about how many guys she was with.

....about 17 (same number as me) and we met when she was 29.

 

Spectre, here's what I don't understand about you and other posters of a similar bent - when, by the OP's admission they've both had the same number of partners, how is it that she's had "bang buddies", "numerous partners" and "sexual escapades" - and the OP just has a past?

 

The difference is she had the misfortune to have her privacy invaded and personal journals read. Hard to believe there's not some sexism at work here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spectre]

He also said the number didn't include the people she fooled around with, why'd you not include that? Since that is still lying about your number of sexual partners.

 

She had [sexual partners]. I never said the OP didn't have [sexual partners]. But this isn't about his past. As far as I know he didn't lie. As far as I know he isn't hesitating to get rid of journals about said sexual encounters.

 

It's hard for you not to see sexism because that is all people like you tend to see. Just look at your post. You were concerned with the phrases used..even sexual escapades, but then pointed out the guy "just has a past" even though the discussion wasn't about his past so why would we even be talking about that at length?

 

I mean I know why you did it, it's obvious. You want to act like there is some sexist agenda here. Except nah, there isn't. I'd give the same advice if this was a woman upset over her hubby's journals, and you can bet your ass I'd be calling his flings bang buddies. It's not a male or female thing..it's a people thing. There was no logical reason for me to even discuss the OP's past in this topic because that isn't what it is about, and yet there you are trying to read into that as sexism.

Edited October 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[jh21]

The same wild sexuality that the man she married has to beg for. Strangers met in bars can get it, but not the hubby.

 

This is probably the biggest issue for me.

 

Yes, we had our wild phase for maybe 2 years when we were dating. Once we were married it definately slowed down then after kids it was non-existant (understandable)

 

But now that our kids are 4 and 2 I was hoping it would come back a bit especially since we are taking time to make our marriage work and it has a little but but, she has literally zero interest in sex. I think she has initiated it twice on her own in a year. She would be happy with once or twice a month and I could do it every day.

 

I have told her how it upsets me, especially of what I read and how easy it was to get her into the sack (most of, if not all, of her boyfriends got laid that night after the bar after just meeting her, or the ONS's she had) and yet that is gone. I got a bit of that side from her but it's over. She admitted as much and even once said I might have to find someone else with my sex drive because she doesn't have it.

 

Add to that the things she did with her previous guys that she won't do with me and this is probably the biggest issue for me.

 

I'm 36. Good looking. Fit. Have a great job. I'm not ready for a sexless marriage or at least a one sided sex life where I feel I need to force her into doing it and then most of the time she would rather do something else.

 

It's a big issue.

[jh21]

He also said the number didn't include the people she fooled around with, why'd you not include that? Since that is still lying about your number of sexual partners.

 

She had [sexual partners]. I never said the OP didn't have [sexual partners]. But this isn't about his past. As far as I know he didn't lie. As far as I know he isn't hesitating to get rid of journals about said sexual encounters.

 

It's hard for you not to see sexism because that is all people like you tend to see. Just look at your post. You were concerned with the phrases used..even sexual escapades, but then pointed out the guy "just has a past" even though the discussion wasn't about his past so why would we even be talking about that at length?

 

I mean I know why you did it, it's obvious. You want to act like there is some sexist agenda here. Except nah, there isn't. I'd give the same advice if this was a woman upset over her hubby's journals, and you can bet your ass I'd be calling his flings bang buddies. It's not a male or female thing..it's a people thing. There was no logical reason for me to even discuss the OP's past in this topic because that isn't what it is about, and yet there you are trying to read into that as sexism.

 

One of her best lines in the journal was that she would sleep with her Ex's so as not to "get her number too high".

 

It didn't matter if they had GF's either. They would hook up.

 

Sometimes I wonder who I married.

[Mr. Lucky]

But this isn't about his past.

 

I agree. And this isn't about her past either. It's about the OP's current pre-occupation with things that occurred 10 years ago and the invasive manner in which the issue surfaced.

 

Were they mine, I'd toss the journals though I see why others feel differently. Not disclosing the STD is a serious issue the partners should discuss. But when 1+1 equals a lot more than two in many poster's eyes it's hard not to question the math.

 

Unless the OP feels I can contribute something else, I've said all I can. Guess that leaves you with the last word ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

I like how you seem to think pointing out she shouldn't be lying to her husband about..well, anything is crucifying her. How saying she should get rid of the journals about all her little bang buddies is crucifying her.

 

You never actually read my posts do you?

 

I have said repeatedly she needs to get rid of those journals, and I have said repeatedly that he needs to talk to her about that STD lie.

 

You read what you want to read....when you can see through your seething anger.

 

I'm out too.

[deadelvis]

If you feel like what you are experiencing is just a regular case of retroactive jealousy I have a couple exercises you can do to help work through it. These are the ones that worked the best for me.

 

I struggled with retroactive jealousy when my partner started telling me things about her past. I'll spare you the details, but her past was... well, colorful. Sometimes when you find out things about your partners past, even a non-jealous person starts feeling overwhelmed by negative thoughts and images. When your sex life is unfulfilled it also adds fuel to the fire. Knowing your partner who currently has little interest in having sex with you, engaged in a multitude of wild sexual behaviors before you were around definitely makes the retroactive jealousy worse. I don't know if I even would have cared about my partners sexual history if we had been having the same type of crazy sex together she used to have with her one-night-stands and f-buddies, but there's certainly a sense of feeling slighted when you discover she enjoyed things with casual hookups that are now off limits to her husband.

 

These exercises helped me a lot. I think it took me about 3 months of doing these exercises before I stopped feeling distressed about her past. Now it doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm still not exactly thrilled about some of the things she's done, but it doesn't haunt me anymore. Although I do notice that when our sex life goes in decline for whatever reason (herpes outbreak etc.) I feel insecure thoughts of her past rising up inside me. A constant and fulfilling sex life really helps take the sting out of retroactive jealousy. Here are the exercises.

 

 

1. Make a list of 5 unique and special moments you shared together that fill you with happiness every time you think of them. Keep the list in your pocket. When you start feeling insecure or jealous read over the list a few times. Try to really feel what you felt on those occasions. One of mine was the first night we slept in the same bed and she fell asleep with her head on my chest.

 

2. Write two letters you will never send. Write one letter to her, telling her everything you're feeling and how upset you are about everything that happened during the time before you were together. Feel free to list off every detail that you are obsessing over. This will be painful. You will feel angry while doing this. That's ok. Don't send the letter. Now write a reply letter from her to you, where she gives you a compassionate and detailed explanation of everything you mentioned in the previous letter. Her letter should be written in a way that puts your heart at ease regarding everything that happened in the past. Be sure the letter specifically addresses each of the topics mentioned in the previous letter. This letter should provide a compassionate explanations of everything that happened and be written in a way that soothes your concerns. This letter is sort of designed to debunk everything you're upset about from her past. Now burn the first letter and read the second letter every night before bed or every morning when you wake up. I actually made an audio recording on my phone of myself reading the second letter aloud and I listened to the recording whenever I was having a bout of retroactive jealousy.

 

3. Make a mental list of all the most enjoyable sexual encounters you had during the years of your life before her. Now spend some time thinking about how those experiences influence your feelings toward your current partner. The answer will be obvious... those experiences don't take anything away from your feelings toward your wife, in fact it will seem silly to imagine those past experiences being even remotely related to the marriage you have now and the feelings you have for her. When you find yourself thinking of her past, reflect on your own past sexual history and the happy times you had. It won't damage your feelings for her or make you long for past lovers... it will do the opposite, it will remind you how much more special your relationship is with your wife.

 

4. Make lists of everything you are upset about and organize them into seperate cohesive issues. Then write out detailed "responses" to the issues. These responses should be designed in such a way as to relax you and make you feel calmer and peaceful. For example a few of the lists I made were titled things like "She lied about her past" or "Lack of sex in our relationship" and things like that. Then when you write the responses they should have wording like "...she is still sexually attracted to me, but things like work and the kids have made it more difficult to have an active sex life, by scheduling private time together we can start to ... blah blah blah" You get the idea. These are designed to "talk you off the ledge" when you're having a panic attack. Now read them aloud and record the responses on your phone. Listen to whichever one applies as you find yourself getting upset over these issues. These worked great for me. Almost every time I heard my own voice telling me what I needed to hear (in a calm and thoughtful manner) it immediately calmed me down and got me back to a healthy mind state.

 

 

If you actively do those exercises, I promise you will start to quickly feel better and your anxiety over this will become manageable. I still have anxiety over my partners kinky past and the lack of enthusiasm in our sex life, but the feelings are rare and easier to manage. Good luck. May the force be with you.

[TheGuard13]

So simple that I cannot believe that so many people do not see this.

 

Because it's not that simple. Nor is that black and white.

 

The relics of past relationships, journals, photos, gifts, jewelry, cards, love letters, this list of examples can easily go on, only serve to show that the person saving them is placing more importance on keeping those memories alive or at the minimum keeping a link to help recall memories that time erodes.

Not everyone throws out the past, or wants to forget all the experiences they've had, even if (gasp) they happened with someone other than their current partner/spouse.

 

Those relics only show the husband that his wife is more concerned with recalling the past or being able to whenever she needs assistance then. Those efforts need to be spent on living in the now.

 

They don't really show anything.

 

It'd be one thing if she read these things constantly, it's quite another that she wrote them and has them.

 

The existence of journals she wrote years ago now doesn't prove anything about her efforts toward him now. Her actions say more about her efforts now than journals she wrote way back when ever would.

 

Specially when a husband cannot perform as good as she has had in the past. How is a husband to get past that when the wife keeps things to prevent him from forgetting this?

How is her getting rid of these things (which he shouldn't have read in the first place, they were private journals) going to make him forget this rather startling fact? That's what I consider beyond silly.

 

The past cannot be undone. Though that does not make it ok to keep romantic mementos from past relationships.

Nor does it make it wrong to keep mementos from past relationships.

 

This wife does not need to recall the wild monkey sex she had years ago, or whatever else that she wants to revel in. She should be working to be having wild gorilla sex with her husband now.

I don't think its really anyone's place to tell her what she should or shouldn't recall or remember. That's a bit much.

[TheGuard13]

You know what it accomplishes? The husband said it would make him feel better and it would be a start. Boom. Nothing besides that should need to be said. Since I sure as hell don't see what her keeping journals about her sexual escapades accomplishes either. So again this goes both ways. If she needs to read up on past sexual consequences and relive her multiple instances of cheating then there is a major issue.

 

Except that there's absolutely no guarantee it WILL make him feel better, or solve any issues longterm. For all intents and purposes, the damage has been done. His insecurities and jealousy and anger were already triggered. Unless he's stupid enough to read through the journals AGAIN, what possible continued injury could the journals' existence cause? None, except for those caused by his own insecurities, in which case, THAT's what needs to be worked on.

 

So here is the thing: you might not see what it accomplishes, but everyone is different. The journals are the source of the lies he discovered, it's not being unrealistic to want her to get rid of the pages about her and other men since they serve no purpose.

Except that they might serve a purpose to her. Maybe she treasures/ed these memories. It doesn't necessarily need to be a security blanket, just something she thinks fondly about from time to time, much like I suspect he has likely done at one time or other about past flings.

 

Unless her journals about cheating and std's are like a security blanket for her. Her past isn't the main issue..the fact he has repeatedly asked her to get rid of certain pages and she hesitated is the biggest issue.

No...her past and their current sex life is clearly the biggest issue.

 

The journals are just what he has decided to focus on. But under that, it's fairly clear what the actual problem is. Retroactive jealousy and insecurity.

 

But I just find it incredibly odd because you are not this man so you have no way of knowing what getting rid of the journals would accomplish.

Even if I was him, I wouldn't be able to tell you for sure that getting rid of the journals would solve anything. Even if right now he feels better, there's no guarantee he will feel better about this longterm because the journals are gone, and there's certainly no guarantee she won't eventually begin to resent him for making her do it, etc.

 

It might just give the guy some peace of mind and who knows maybe it won't change anything, but then you know what? If that is how things turn out then really all that has been lost are some journal pages about her past sexual escapades with strangers.

To HIM that's all that has been lost. To her, they were her private thoughts, and part of her life, good or bad.

 

So we weigh the potential loss of a spouse to the loss of..journal entries about the wild sexual past of this person. The same wild sexuality that the man she married has to beg for. Strangers met in bars can get it, but not the hubby.

I would worry more about the potential resentment she may feel for being made to do something she obviously did not want to do without a lot of prodding...and weigh that in relation to the possible loss of their relationship.

 

As for the rest, I think its been pointed out several times now that who she was and what she did back then is not who she chooses to be now. And their problems seem to go a lot deeper than "She did this for others". If what he wants is wild sex, he needs to focus on that issue in his life now, not her past.

[Dolfin80]

So simple that I cannot believe that so many people do not see this.

 

 

The relics of past relationships, journals, photos, gifts, jewelry, cards, love letters, this list of examples can easily go on, only serve to show that the person saving them is placing more importance on keeping those memories alive or at the minimum keeping a link to help recall memories that time erodes.

 

 

Those relics only show the husband that his wife is more concerned with recalling the past or being able to whenever she needs assistance then. Those efforts need to be spent on living in the now.

 

 

Specially when a husband cannot perform as good as she has had in the past. How is a husband to get past that when the wife keeps things to prevent him from forgetting this?

 

 

The past cannot be undone. Though that does not make it ok to keep romantic mementos from past relationships.

 

 

This wife does not need to recall the wild monkey sex she had years ago, or whatever else that she wants to revel in. She should be working to be having wild gorilla sex with her husband now.

 

That's really strange you know. My partners have never had a problem with my ex's things. Never even was a discussion. One of my boyfriends had a photo framed of him and his gf before me on his dresser. I never cared, I just though 'that's a nice pic of them, they look so young'.

 

I even asked my current boyfriend if he wanted some of my ex's clothes, honestly nothing was even said. I would wear them around the house.

 

When I moved in with my partner I had a box full of porn and sex toys, he didn't care or even asked who bought them, he just enjoyed the porn.

 

Most men don't care about this trivial irrevent crap unless they are control freaks.

Edited October 1, 2015 by Dolfin80