Hi, my name is Otter and I'm insecurrrrr (ranting about LDRs)

[blind_otter]

I dread coming to work. I hate it here. Everyone here except one person dislikes me intensely because I am not conservative, I ascribe to (ooooOOOOOOOooo) evolutionary theory, and I am a liberatarian. I feel very isolated. Very much the outcast here in every way. I refuse to share my personal beliefs or anything and am thus viewed with mistrust.

 

So now I half-ass it. I don't really care if my job gets done or not and I'm like a child, baiting them to fire me. FIRE ME!

[prisoner]

I know it has been bad for a while but what has pushed you over the edge?

 

Meanwhile:

 

You are the one that told me you wanted to go back to school.

 

YOu will be so much happier writing and learning and hanging a shingle and helping people heal themselves.

 

You are both nurturing and intelligent.

 

And let me ask you this: do you think many people like their jobs? You are punching below your weight Otter. Go on an interview. You will get hired somewhere you want to work and then you can quit the job you have.

 

There is no point in staying miserable there.

 

And they do not hate you: they are jealous of you. it is one thing for them to be the way they are, it is another for yuo to think they are beyond the capacity to be anything other than envious.

 

As for the isolation, I wish I could help. You need more of a creative environment where you are asked to work beyond your limits.

 

My gf is in exactly the same situation. You know what i tell her:

 

It is temporary. You will move on when you are ready and actually laugh that you were there.

[SummerRae]

I’ve been where you are, hun. It’s time for a change, and this will push you to make that change you need and you will be happier in the long run for it. I agree with Prisoner, they don’t hate you, they are jealous of your beauty and depth. So many have neither. You have both. Keep being you and keep reaching for your dreams. Your Masters will bring you that much closer! Don’t let those unevolved idiots make you feel less than you know you are, trust me!

[blind_otter]

I have returned! I thought I was going to die without LS. I went through withdrawals. Then I kind of got OK.

 

1. My computer died and spent 3 weeks "in hospital" . It is currently in stable condition and is now functional.

 

2. I got fired. It was totally expected and for the best. Since they conveniently kept me on probation for 9 effing months, I didn't get a real reason.

 

3. I went to Scotland and Amsterdam...originally it was to be for 5 days but then I went and extended it for another 5 days and spent 10 days there.

 

I had a blast it was the best vacation ever. I'm glad I had the free time to extend my stay because 5 days was just too rushed. Amsterdam was great. A pot smokers paradise.

 

Also I met my boyfriend's family, all his aunties and one of his uncles and his little cousins and his mum and some of his friends. He didn't introduce me to his "rougher" companions, but I did meet a few in passing at local pubs (most of which are owned by his obscenely rich uncle who looks strikingly like fat bastard but with super short grayish hair. One evening we went to dinner with his uncle and aunt and the uncle was out front of the house unnecessarily shirtless. I had to hug him, and I did that lame "pat on the back" hug because I didn't want to actually touch the back hair. But it was to no avail, he had a thick pelt on his shoulders as well, and the hair crunched ever so gently under my hands as I patted his upper back/shoulder area. Deeeeelicious.

 

So now I'm back home feeling more lame than usual, killing time and being glum. This time though I'm not lying about in bed crying to myself, I am trying to stay occupied. I realize now how housewives can do it since I spend most of my time tidying up after myself. I have all clean dishes. My bathroom smells like bleach. I am continually doing laundry.

 

Life is good. Kinda quiet. I am actually mostly content.

 

My BF is coming to America in August. Meantime I am going to Toronto for a wedding at the end of the month, that will be mildly amusing but not the festival of drunken debauchery that I usually make weddings into as I stand in the corner puffing cigarettes and slamming champagne. I'm trying not to drink ya know. It makes it easier to not want to do coke. I also did drink something called a "shandy" (spelling?) - I was occassionally indulging in half-pints of this stuff, half lemonade and half lager. Pretty tasty and not very alcoholic.

 

When I'm with my BF he moderates my drinking very closely. He always makes sure I don't get to the "falling down drunk" stage that I will get into if left to my own devices.

 

Anyways I just wanted to say HI.

 

[Naive]

BO you had us worried!!!! We had no idea what happened to you. I had a feeling it had something to do with your job. I am glad you are back now

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by ~Naive~

BO you had us worried!!!! We had no idea what happened to you. I had a feeling it had something to do with your job. I am glad you are back now

 

I saw your message on <place website here>....I missed ou guys so much. I've been doing well though. I went out to dinner tonight and I thought of LS while I was talking to the group....that's how it often is, i mention quotes from the site. I missed ya, Naive!!!

[Naive]

I missed you too. Now it's time to catch up to the thousands of post you probably had waiting for you

[BigB]

Welcome back! Glad the trip went well.

[shamen]

Blind Otter,

 

Welcome back.

 

Glad you had a good time in Scotland! Yeah! Sorry about your job, but it sounds like it was for the best.

[SummerRae]

Glad u r back! But when the heck r u going to start posting??

 

Guess what, yet another weird coincidence: I was also fired from my job a couple weeks ago. First time since I was sixteen. My boss was an evil byatch who had it out for me... spent a day crying about it and then they called to rehire me. Whacked company, I tell you. Luckily my old NICE boss lady took me back w/ tail btwn my legs.... n e ways, sorry to ramble. Just thought u'd be interested to know of my similar experience.

 

Luv, Summer

[blind_otter]

One of my pot dealers, a nice guy I got into a groove with because he had a GF and was a loyal BF to her. But they broke up a few weeks ago and now he is suddenly calling me to have conversations, which he never did before. It was always "Hey so and so, can you help me out? Where should I meet you?" This always happens to me with pot dealers. I have burned so many bridges with dudes who sell weed. Hell I married my pot dealer when I was 21. That was a bust.

 

Any ways, I am more and more coming to terms with the fact that men and women can't really be friends. There is always some kind of weird vibe going between me and my male friends. I know I used to be so vehement about men and women being able to be platonic friends but I rescind that. I think as I get older and I think I am involved with someone who I am emotionally attached to for perhaps the first time in my life, I see it more clearly. i feel more mature, like my BF challenges me to be a better person than I choose to be on my own. He shows me how to think about things differently so I don't have such an impulse control problem. It helps that he had similar problems when he was younger, and he sorted things out for himself just through trial and error. I value his opinion and his guidance very much.

 

What I noticed was weird was that we didn't skip a beat. I saw him walking toward me in the airport and we hugged for a long time and then he went and hired a car for the week. We were casual with each other, casually affectionate and confident in the reciprocity of our emotions. But in face to face interactions, rather than over the phone, we are less emotionally intimate. Perhaps something to work on...since we have spent so much time apart, it's like we can talk easier when we're on the phone, now!! But then again maybe it was emotionally intimate but not so forced and artificial as it is on the telephone. We would still have those nice intimate conversations early in the morning when we woke up together, or late at night smoking a joint in his room before bed.

 

When we slept we were glued to each other. Normally I am restless and I push away from my sleeping partner, but our bodies remained pressed together in an intimate embrace for the entire night. It was nice. I have never slept so well...and I ache now, sleeping alone, waking up and thinking of him, waking from dreams of him where his scent is on my pillow. Only 2 more weeks and he'll be in the states for good! No more telephone conversations and $600 phone bills.

[shamen]

Blind Otter,

 

So happy for you in that things seem to be working out very nicely with the Scot. Yea!

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by shamen

Blind Otter,

 

So happy for you in that things seem to be working out very nicely with the Scot. Yea!

 

 

He has been working a lot for his uncle lately. He was cute, and called me four times the last 2 days, says he misses me even though we get to be together again in 6 days. Yesterday he called me from work and then after he got home. Unfortunately I felt like ass in the trash and couldn't talk for too long.

 

It's strange, we get along so well. We are like good buddies that are deeply connected to one another and very physically attracted to each other. This is in no way that breath-taking, stifling, fearful, anxious dependency I grew to know so well in my past relationships with alcoholics and cokeheads.

 

His brother offered to get coke for us while I was in Glasgow, but my BF said no. He won't let me do it, even though in the past he used to indulge occassionally. He says he knows I have a problem and he won't allow me to f*ck myself up in front of him, at least. I can respect that. Even though I was pitiful and almost begged him to get me some. Hell I had money and could have gotten it myself but I didn't.

 

I approached this relationship with a lot more awareness about my needs, my desires, and my weaknesses. I think approaching this more logically has helped me. It's not about loving someone with that intense, passionate, consuming love that I was used to. Relationships are more than that, a f*ck ton more. I miss him awfully, though. I can't wait to have him with me every single week, even if it's only 3-4 days at a time because he's going to commute to Orlando to work.

[shamen]

That's so awesome that he's moving (coming?) back here! Permanently?

 

Ya know, it's really good that he's anti-coke. Could definitely use that to your advantage to stay away from it.

 

Approaching a relationship logically? Hell, I'm looking forward to that!