Girlfriend finally admitted she has some secrets...

[Versacehottie]

She said she only worked as an escort for about a month and only had sex with one customer. That's a lot different from working the corner and servicing hundreds or thousands of men.

 

Really?!?? No it isn't. It means you decided to sell yourself whether it's one time or 1000. Line has been crossed. I guess maybe you feel that the nuances will make a difference. Plus let me guess you aren't sure she's telling truth about 1.5 month either? I wouldn't be either. Escort/prostitute. Same dif!

[deadelvis]

Ugh, you are unreal. I don't agree with you about the privacy and right to know issue. However, taking your example, you already have enough information to know it's in that ballpark of past slutty behavior. There is no reason to know more details. Trust me, if they feel and think that way (other people) about your dating choices, you can't control it. She is already in the slut zone with her past behavior. You either deal with it or you don't. People are gonna talk.

 

We aren't talking about the ballpark of "I slept around a bit in my 20's" we're talking about the ballpark of "I was a prostitute for 5 years"

 

Those are worlds apart. Like saying "I experimented with drugs" is in a whole different ballpark than "I was a crack dealer for 5 years"

 

See the difference? If I sold crack for a weekend to help out a friend who was trying to post bail, that's different than selling crack on the corner for 5 years. You people are really looking at things like "one trick or a thousand, does it really matter?" and the answer is yes. It sure as **** does matter.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm honestly astonished.

Not that you are still with her, but that she has put up with this for so long, and is still with you.

 

There's a weird kind of co-dependent masochism going on here....

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

And then she admitted that I was right... She said she does in fact have some secrets about her past that she's never told me, and probably will never tell me, and if I can accept that and love her for who she is without asking her to tell me the truth about her past, then we can stay together, but if I can't live with the knowledge that she's keeping things from me about her past, then we should just go our separate ways.

 

 

2. Demand the truth. Risk being lied to again, or at very best have her tell me things about her past that will forever ruin my image of her.

 

3. Walk away.

 

 

Your GF has already told you that if you CANNOT accept that she will NEVER tell you the secrets of her past and if you CANNOT just love her for who she is WITHOUT you ASKING HER TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH about her past - then you BOTH should GO YOUR SEPARATE WAYS.

 

So, if you do #2.) Demand the truth, she's NOT going to TELL YOU the truth; and will probably end up BREAKING UP WITH YOU. And she's NOT going to tell you the truth about everything because she KNOWS that doing so WILL 'forever ruin your "image" of her'.

 

Your best bet at this point would be for you to either do #3.) Walk away

 

OR

 

ACCEPT that you will NEVER know her past - and that, actually, you probably really DON'T WANT TO KNOW; given that what you ALREADY KNOW of her past has disgusted you and has made you think she's some kind of deviant (which, she might be, Idk).

 

 

OP...you CANNOT stay in a relationship with this woman with a willing and trusting heart if, in the back of your mind, her past - especially the secrets that she WILL NEVER TELL YOU - will constantly be eating away at you and will always having you WONDERING. Prodding her for the truth about her past will only ALIENATE HER FROM YOU even MORE.

 

ACCEPT HER **AS SHE IS NOW** - OR WALK AWAY.

 

 

 

 

.

[PaperCrane]

Just take occams razor to this stubble of confusion.

The simplest explanation is probably the best.

Take it upon yourself to answer them, and then see if you can handle that answer.

Respect her enough to be who she is.

 

If she did, she did, if she didn't, she didn't.

 

If you can't handle the simplest of probabilities just walk away. If you can, you have a lot of trust building to work on.

 

It doesn't matter anymore the morality of the choices or whom or when.

 

Just love yourself and her already. Just remember the passion you had for her and feel that. Dissect that. Dwell on why you chose her to begin with and let it fuel you.

 

There is no magic eraser for the past. There is no fixing it. It's there, it's done, it happened. The older we get, the more of it there is. We aren't getting younger. Why can you simply not accept the fact you have something a lot of people on here can't even get. There are so many people just wanting a date. A single date with someone and you say you found someone you love?

 

Well goddamn ****ing prove it. It's easy to say you do.

[Versacehottie]

Why would you want to be with a liar?

[PaperCrane]

If he can't be then he shouldn't be.

 

There is no more help we can give.

[deadelvis]

Just take occams razor to this stubble of confusion.

The simplest explanation is probably the best.

Take it upon yourself to answer them, and then see if you can handle that answer.

 

Well that's the problem according to Occam's Razor... all hypothesis being equal... she was a hooker. She'll always lie about her past, and whatever my worst fears are... they are probably true, which is why she lied. To "keep me" instead of watching me walk away.

 

Respect her enough to be who she is.

 

Who she is... well, we are all just the sum total of our life's experiences, so I don't know who she is. What I do know is she's the type of person who lies to their partner.

 

If she did, she did, if she didn't, she didn't.

 

Big difference. I did kill those hookers and bury them in the backyard, or I didn't.

 

If you can't handle the simplest of probabilities just walk away. If you can, you have a lot of trust building to work on.

 

No truth=no trust.

It doesn't matter anymore the morality of the choices or whom or when.

Really? When did we all get a clean slate to just wipe away our past transgressions? I must have missed that class because my probation officer certainly doesn't see things that way.

 

Just love yourself and her already. Just remember the passion you had for her and feel that. Dissect that. Dwell on why you chose her to begin with and let it fuel you.

 

THIS.IS.TRUE.

 

There is no magic eraser for the past. There is no fixing it. It's there, it's done, it happened. The older we get, the more of it there is. We aren't getting younger.

 

I'm not trying to erase anything. I just want to read the fine print before I sign the papers.

 

Why can you simply not accept the fact you have something a lot of people on here can't even get. There are so many people just wanting a date. A single date with someone and you say you found someone you love?

 

THIS.IS.TRUE.

 

Well goddamn ****ing prove it. It's easy to say you do.

 

You can't love the idea of a person. You have to love them. I can paint her as mother teresa and fall in love with that. Or I can paint her charles manson and despise her. But neither of those is the truth. I want to love her for who she is, not some idea of her that we've created together over six months of lies and deception

[deadelvis]

- You are 100% wrong........if she loves you and is already hooked on you, she'll likely overlook it. Love changes everything.

 

That would make me a really cowardly person. "baby, just fall in love with me based on a lie" That's just wrong

[Chi townD]

Okay, if you think it's sexual in nature, then see if she's registered as a sex offender. That's public record.

 

 

I mean, this whole situation is entirely up to you. You wanted to open Pandora's box and she wants it closed. Personally, I don't like secrets in a relationship. Sometimes our pasts come back to haunt us at times. So, I believe it's best to be up front about it so you're not blindsided.

[Vercetti]

Her past wasn't hidden for the people she was around then, so why should it be hidden from you currently the most important person in her life.

[PaperCrane]

You can't love the idea of a person. You have to love them. I can paint her as mother teresa and fall in love with that. Or I can paint her charles manson and despise her. But neither of those is the truth. I want to love her for who she is, not some idea of her that we've created together over six months of lies and deception

 

Then if she's a liar and you can't trust her, then leave. For in this act she will either come clean as is the price of staying with you as it is obviously a deal breaker to you, or she will leave as her secrets are more important than a loving relationship.

[deadelvis]

Her past wasn't hidden for the people she was around then, so why should it be hidden from you currently the most important person in her life.

 

That's part of what bothers me so much about the situation, because I know for a fact that a bunch of her friends know the actual truth, but I don't. And there's nothing worse than everyone else knowing the truth about your partner while you're being kept in the dark. I can't go behind her back and ask those people because they're her friends so they would just tell me to ask her, and then they would tell her that I was asking about her.

[deadelvis]

Then if she's a liar and you can't trust her, then leave. For in this act she will either come clean as is the price of staying with you as it is obviously a deal breaker to you, or she will leave as her secrets are more important than a loving relationship.

 

She doesn't consider keeping secrets from her past (and consequently lying to protect those secrets) as "lying".

 

And I think a big part of the reason she's keeping secrets from me is because she's afraid if/when we break up I will tell people about her past, and we know a lot of the same people. Which I would never do BTW

Edited September 4, 2015 by deadelvis

[PaperCrane]

She doesn't consider keeping secrets from her past (and consequently lying to protect those secrets) as "lying".

 

And I think a big part of the reason she's keeping secrets from me is because she's afraid if/when we break up I will tell people about her past, and we know a lot of the same people. Which I would never do BTW

 

It doesn't matter what she considers to be lying or not. This is about how you're dealing with how another person is deciding to treat you.

 

If YOU consider it lying, then to YOU it is.

 

If lying a deal breaker to you, and I consider with-holding to be tantamount to lying, by all means let her go. Just let her go. If this is so obviously important to you, you need to follow through with what all this is building up to.

[Sunlight72]

In my opinion, keeping secrets or omitting things from your past is the same as lying and lying to your partner is worse then "badgering someone for personal information" so in that respect you could say she's been mentally abusing me with her constant omission of truth.

Please re-read what you wrote here.

 

If this is truly how you feel, then if you stay with her you will be choosing your own abuser. I did that for a while. It's truly awful.

[No_Go]

See, it is not really that different: she is/was ABLE to do sell her body, the rest is irrelevant unless talking about STD risks (but for that it is too late already...)

 

I do understand your fears though- she is giving you a bite (one client) and saying she is NOT disclosing everything - this will drive me nuts too.

 

I think because there is a lot left to imagination here and that's why your mind is raising like this, and you experience so much anxiety.

 

But think about it: if she served "hundreds or thousands of men" it can't be a secret, people would recognize her and you'll hear it from SOMEONE ELSE. We have no evidence, but the probability for the above is very low. Consider how rational your thoughts are:

-do you know her old friends and family?

-did anybody mentioned something provoking your thoughts?

-where do you live? in small town this will be a public secret...

 

I really think you're amplifying it in your head, and she'll never tell you if you approach her with judgement (much better chances if you back off, and maybe expose yourself more, seems like you also had a crazy stories to tell her?)

 

What exactly is her mental condition? Do you know what provoked it? I had some past physical abuse and it took me long time to admit it to MYSELF, not to discuss it with people. If she has been physically abused/raped, it could also explain to a certain extent her past promiscuity (almost revenge like), and acting vanilla in bed (with you, someone that she wants to trust...)

 

And again, is the fact that she's not disclosing everything concerning you, or the worst-case scenario (prostitution)? If the first, I just feel like the only viable option is to back off, heal your own anxiety issues, and then maybe go to couple's therapy. If the second, if I were you, I'd just leave - you know there is some truth, just do not now the extent of it.

 

 

She said she only worked as an escort for about a month and only had sex with one customer. That's a lot different from working the corner and servicing hundreds or thousands of men.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Her past wasn't hidden for the people she was around then, so why should it be hidden from you currently the most important person in her life.

They are broken up. He has berated her soundly for all the stuff she already told him, and broken up with her over it. She should NEVER tell him anything he can use against her again. She also should have moved on as fast as lightening, as should he have.

[No_Go]

In his case I'm afraid it was printing fake money. He escaped turning himself into a victim, he was under age and -in my opinion- made up a story of abuse and act mentally sick so he ended up in a mental institution, not prison.

 

Regarding the misdemeanors, I was adamant about finding his, because he had "impressive" problem with alcohol, which he claimed is something new (well, I found as said ~20 records from the time he was 16, he was 29 when we dated... I'm sick in the guts thinking about this person)

 

 

Was it specifically counterfeiting (printing fake money) or sth like uttering and publishing? Some crimes have scary sounding names but aren't necessarily that bad, like uttering and publishing can be writing a bad check.

 

Good job getting the misdemeanors btw, they're usually not as easily accessible as felonies. (Everyone loves to hear about felonies, but not many are interested in misdemeanors. )

[deadelvis]

See, it is not really that different: she is/was ABLE to do sell her body, the rest is irrelevant unless talking about STD risks (but for that it is too late already...)

 

I do understand your fears though- she is giving you a bite (one client) and saying she is NOT disclosing everything - this will drive me nuts too.

 

Exactly. My nuts have been officially driven.

 

I think because there is a lot left to imagination here and that's why your mind is raising like this, and you experience so much anxiety.

 

Right. Which is why I want the truth. Not so I can judge her or dump her, but so I can finally put my fears to rest.

 

But think about it: if she served "hundreds or thousands of men" it can't be a secret, people would recognize her and you'll hear it from SOMEONE ELSE. We have no evidence, but the probability for the above is very low. Consider how rational your thoughts are:

-do you know her old friends and family?

-did anybody mentioned something provoking your thoughts?

-where do you live? in small town this will be a public secret...

 

We live in the same small town we grew up in, but she lived in LA for 5 years during the period of time when she was doing all this stuff. And all her LA friends are involved in a very promiscuous lifestyle, swingers, orgies, escorts, etc. I've met a few of them and they are all the type of people with 100+ sexual partners and engaging in a very "open" lifestyle.

It would be really hard for me to ever find out on my own, without her or her friends telling me, but they are all loyal to her.

 

I really think you're amplifying it in your head, and she'll never tell you if you approach her with judgement (much better chances if you back off, and maybe expose yourself more, seems like you also had a crazy stories to tell her?)

 

Agreed. 100%

 

What exactly is her mental condition? Do you know what provoked it? I had some past physical abuse and it took me long time to admit it to MYSELF, not to discuss it with people. If she has been physically abused/raped, it could also explain to a certain extent her past promiscuity (almost revenge like), and acting vanilla in bed (with you, someone that she wants to trust...)

 

She was raped twice as a teenager. Has BPD, BiPolar, Anxiety etc. She has absolutely no concept of being wholesome. She thinks having sex with 50 people by the age of 30 is totally normal. She doesn't realize only 1% of the population has that high of a number by age 30. Her perception is warped about sexuality, partially because all her friends and ex's were very promiscuous and "swinger tpyes" so she thinks it's totally normal to have sex with hundreds of people or do gangbangs and orgies because that's what all her friends do.

 

And again, is the fact that she's not disclosing everything concerning you, or the worst-case scenario (prostitution)? If the first, I just feel like the only viable option is to back off, heal your own anxiety issues, and then maybe go to couple's therapy. If the second, if I were you, I'd just leave - you know there is some truth, just do not now the extent of it.

 

Well, it's both. But actually it's more the first than the second. After all the stuff she's told me, it would be a relief just to finally hear the truth no matter how bad it is. Of course I would be disappointed to find out she was a "real hooker" but honestly at this point it would be better than the constant wondering.

 

Thank you for your reply.

[CarrieT]

And I think a big part of the reason she's keeping secrets from me is because she's afraid if/when we break up I will tell people about her past, and we know a lot of the same people. Which I would never do BTW

Based on everything you have written here, I wouldn't believe you.

 

And I wouldn't tell you either. You are too focused on this issue to have a healthy relationship so - for the umpteenth time - WHY DON'T YOU JUST END IT?

 

Give the girl her peace and let her find someone that won't badger her into an early grave?

 

Sheesh...

[sandylee1]

I don't think the secret is anything sexual....I mean really what more could she have done. She's been an escort.

 

I'm leaning towards criminal activity.

 

Is there no other single girl you can date? Is she such a catch you think you can't get better?

 

Why continue torturing yourself like this? Is she really worth all the stressing out you've been doing?

 

If a relationship has so many questions and has led to posts/threads about the same issue .....you need to realise it just isn't worth it.

Edited September 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Vercetti]

They are broken up. He has berated her soundly for all the stuff she already told him, and broken up with her over it. She should NEVER tell him anything he can use against her again. She also should have moved on as fast as lightening, as should he have.

 

My perspective was it becoming a serious long term relationship where being open and honest about everything would sort things out, that the worst case mind movies of the op were in part not knowing. Main reason felt a relationship was being sorted, why would op care if DID not want to be with her and why would he still be with her given the things doesn't like.

[Rejected Rosebud]

My perspective was it becoming a serious long term relationship where being open and honest about everything would sort things out, that the worst case mind movies of the op were in part not knowing. Main reason felt a relationship was being sorted, why would op care if DID not want to be with her and why would he still be with her given the things doesn't like.

 

MY personal perspective is that he is asking her to reveal things she feels bad about so he can judge her and torture her about her past.

 

He already thinks she is a sleazebag and FAT. He can't trust or respect her with what he ALREADY got her to confess. Why should she subject herself to more of this? And why on Earth would he want to hear more? He already thinks the worst of her!

 

No relationship where one person is standing in total judgement of the other can EVER work. Neither can one where one person thinks the other is beneath him or her. Or where one can't accept the other, misdeeds and all.

[TunaCat]

MY personal perspective is that he is asking her to reveal things she feels bad about so he can judge her and torture her about her past.

 

He already thinks she is a sleazebag and FAT. He can't trust or respect her with what he ALREADY got her to confess. Why should she subject herself to more of this? And why on Earth would he want to hear more? He already thinks the worst of her!

 

No relationship where one person is standing in total judgement of the other can EVER work. Neither can one where one person thinks the other is beneath him or her. Or where one can't accept the other, misdeeds and all.

 

You took the words RIGHT out of my mouth.