SawtoothMars Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 And then she admitted that I was right... She said she does in fact have some secrets about her past that she's never told me, and probably will never tell me, and if I can accept that and love her for who she is without asking her to tell me the truth about her past, then we can stay together, but if I can't live with the knowledge that she's keeping things from me about her past, then we should just go our separate ways. 3. Walk away. It's part of who she is, and if she isn't willing to trust you enough to not judge her.... then she isn't worth the drama. Link to post Share on other sites
wb1988 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 There are 3 possibilities, all of them are reasons why you should just leave her: 1. She's making the whole thing up, she just wants the drama. 2. The secret is bad enough that she just doesn't want to verbalize it. I personally have a few secrets that I just don't want to say (or write) because I just don't want to bring it up or remember it all over again. I however am smart enough to not even mention it to a gf. 3. The secret is bad enough that she knows you'll eventually leave her for it anyway, or you'll see her differently and perhaps it'll become more known to others. If this is the case then it's probably something bad sexually. Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Even disregarding her past though...she's no prize. No job, you pay her bills, support her, she does no housework, etc, all she does is lounge around in her jammies all day doing nothing. I am not understanding the attraction...but to each his own I guess. yeah if she was on some date-ability pedestal she'd be scoring 2 out of 10. I also don't understand why it is THAT hard for OP to walk away. It's getting so pathetic If he has so much love to offer, maybe give it to himself first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Please advise? I know everyone is going to say walk away, but it's just not that easy. Don't walk away. Leave the building. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 You can't save this one nor yourself with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 you have this car in front of you...its everything you could hope for in a car....its mileage is a bit high for its years but it runs well.....corners like a dream...purrs its way through traffic......and its yours now..... then you look at the dash board while you are driving it you think you hear a tick behind it ...a clunk you cant really explain......its probably the engine......it could be cheaper oil has been used...or maybe you put in leaded instead of unleaded......and suddenly it doesnt seem so perfect for you anymore....you get out....you take a hammer and you start hammering away at that perceived tic......instead of maybe taking it to a mechanic you ask around on car forums how to fix that tic...and you keep getting different answers to every thread you start......still doesnt explain the tic..... then you start to have an epiphany about the car.......mayeb its nto the car at all....maybe its because fo the driver there is a problem that driver is me...why couldnt i be happy with what i had ...why did i have to pull apart the car fo my dreams when that tic really didnt change anything about me driving the car, why couldnt i be satisfied i wont know every story that car has had...every drive....every long distance it has run...every corner...every little secret of the drivers who sat there in the seat before me...and why the hell am i asking people who dont even know what my car is or where my car has been or how it handles the wet......... then you think maybe its time i visit a true mechanic and work on my driving skills..... and down the track a ways on these car forums..... we hear of a beautiful car with an experienced driver who got over an obsessive need to find that tic......the car apparently still corners like a dream...best wishes..deb.... This is the most perfect analogy for Dead's problems...well done! Mr. Elvis, you seem to ask for advice fairly often...but don't seem to taka it... Why is that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 This is the most perfect analogy for Dead's problems...well done! Mr. Elvis, you seem to ask for advice fairly often...but don't seem to taka it... Why is that? I think the king may actually be a drama queen. I know that's usually associated w/women, but if the shoe fits .... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 This is the most perfect analogy for Dead's problems...well done! Mr. Elvis, you seem to ask for advice fairly often...but don't seem to taka it... Why is that? Obsession, clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 If she were trying to put his mind at ease...she would have told him there is NOTHING else to tell -- NOT that there is MORE to tell, but she refuses to tell him, and he either accepts that or it's over. What type of logic is that? ^^^^This. I thought we were at a point where we had gotten all the conversations about her crazy past out in the open, but the way this conversation came up was unusual. I'd woken up from a terrible dream and we were talking about it, and she made this strange guilty expression and quietly said "everyone has secrets they don't tell their partner" and then a few minutes later I asked her what she meant by that and how that confused me because I thought we'd already talked about everything and shared our secrets. She delicately alluded to the fact that she still has some secrets that she will probably never tell me because of the way I reacted to her previous confessions. Then her attitude rapidly changed to defensive and she said "either accept me as I am and stop worrying about me past or it's over". Now to me it seems pretty obvious that what she's really telling me with that conversation is that there's at least one major thing from her past that she will never tell me and if it comes down to it, she would break up before telling me those secrets. I think a big reason she wants to keep those things hidden isn't just because she's afraid of telling me, but also because we know a lot of the same people and she's afraid that if/when we break up I would tell people her secret and everyone would find out that she used to _________. (you can fill in the blank with whatever terrible sex acts your mind can create. I know she wasn't a pedophile, into having sex with animals or dead bodies. So those are off the table. But I can't think of what she possibly would have done that's so bad she would be afraid of telling me, especially after telling me about all those other things. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Are you afraid to hear the truth? If so, she senses it and is not likely to open up. I have the same issue with my bf, and after I spelled out "I know you had issues before but I also know you are not ready to tell me so I'll let you move on your preferred pace", he actually responded immediately with denial, but in longer term - with opening up. (in the meanwhile I've done my job with some basic checks for my peace of mind). What is your worst fear? She had promiscuous past, was a prostitute, and seems like she had addiction and mental issues. What more than that it could be? Criminal past - check it yourself. If SHE was abused, in m opinion she has the right to never tell you (details) as she stated... So I think you can go with 1) for now, if you can. Do therapy, individually and maybe together. And if/after YOU start feeling more confident (maybe many months from now), talk again and demand 2) or 3). P.S. Asking for 2) now you know will not give you answers, and even if so, you won't believe them. P.S.2. If you want answers, you'll get many indirectly by integrating in her life - at very least talking to her friends, family etc will give you clues if it was something major. P.S.3. To me this looks like sexual abuse in HER past... I hope I'm wrong, but if so, she deserves some grace from questions&judgement... Well, we have been trying to reconcile and work things out and somehow the conversation came around to my trust issues and how I've always felt she was hiding dark secrets about her past that she would never tell me. And then she admitted that I was right... She said she does in fact have some secrets about her past that she's never told me, and probably will never tell me, and if I can accept that and love her for who she is without asking her to tell me the truth about her past, then we can stay together, but if I can't live with the knowledge that she's keeping things from me about her past, then we should just go our separate ways. Now this is a relief in one regard, because I thought I was just a paranoid freak for always being suspicious that she was only giving me the partial truth about her past. But on the other hand it's highly disturbing because she's already told me so many hardcore stories about her past, and she did so without any shame or remorse, so whatever she's not telling me must be a major bombshell. I'm deeply confused about this. I have three options 1. Accept that I will never know the truth about her past and be happy with our life together in the present. "ask me no questions and I'll tell you now lies" 2. Demand the truth. Risk being lied to again, or at very best have her tell me things about her past that will forever ruin my image of her. 3. Walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Are you afraid to hear the truth? If so, she senses it and is not likely to open up. I have the same issue with my bf, and after I spelled out "I know you had issues before but I also know you are not ready to tell me so I'll let you move on your preferred pace", he actually responded immediately with denial, but in longer term - with opening up. (in the meanwhile I've done my job with some basic checks for my peace of mind). What is your worst fear? She had promiscuous past, was a prostitute, and seems like she had addiction and mental issues. What more than that it could be? Criminal past - check it yourself. If SHE was abused, in m opinion she has the right to never tell you (details) as she stated... So I think you can go with 1) for now, if you can. Do therapy, individually and maybe together. And if/after YOU start feeling more confident (maybe many months from now), talk again and demand 2) or 3). P.S. Asking for 2) now you know will not give you answers, and even if so, you won't believe them. P.S.2. If you want answers, you'll get many indirectly by integrating in her life - at very least talking to her friends, family etc will give you clues if it was something major. P.S.3. To me this looks like sexual abuse in HER past... I hope I'm wrong, but if so, she deserves some grace from questions&judgement... She had her criminal record expunged... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 With the list of things in her past what's is left to open up about? I vote for she used to be a man. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Oh... Is that what you are concerned about (crimes)? What kind of crimes can you expunge from your record and after how long? I'm also having some trust issues regarding that in my relationship. She had her criminal record expunged... Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Privacy is a fundamental human right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) Oh... Is that what you are concerned about (crimes)? What kind of crimes can you expunge from your record and after how long? I'm also having some trust issues regarding that in my relationship. Any misdemeanor can be expunged. The one I'm wondering about is prostitution. She claims she had a few drunk in public charges that she got expunged. But she works as a bartender. It seems odd to pay thousands of dollars to have your record sealed for a couple drunk in public charges... when you work as a bartender. Edited September 4, 2015 by deadelvis Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Privacy is a fundamental human right. Sounds great as a fortune cookie... but ummm... When you lied about how I got the dent on my car after you borrowed it... I let it slide. But when you fail to mention being a sex worker and having sex with hundreds of guys to pay for your heroin addiction... that's not really in the same ballbark. I'm not saying she ever borrowed my car and put a dent in it. And I doubt she ever did heroin. A couple of our close friends overdosed on heroin and we've talked about it a lot. I don't think she was ever a junky... but pretty much everything else is up for speculation. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 maybe she was married once or has a kid somewhere she gave up.. I dated a girl that told me she was single and never married but later on she told me about being married for 6 months to some guy 5 years earlier, she hated the guy from day one and started the divorce almost as soon as they got married. if she will never tell you then it is something she doesn't have the trust in you to tell.. drug dealer, maybe she was a car thief.. or has lived on the dark side of the law before... Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 maybe she was married once or has a kid somewhere she gave up.. I dated a girl that told me she was single and never married but later on she told me about being married for 6 months to some guy 5 years earlier, she hated the guy from day one and started the divorce almost as soon as they got married. if she will never tell you then it is something she doesn't have the trust in you to tell.. drug dealer, maybe she was a car thief.. or has lived on the dark side of the law before... The "gave a kid up for adoption" thought has crossed my mind. She wasn't a drug dealer. But I was. We've talked about that enough it's no big secret. She can hardly parallel park. She wasn't a car thief. It's definitely something sexual. That's been pretty clear given the context. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 PLEASE stop. You find the things she's ALREADY shared with you unforgivable, plus you think she is fat, lazy, and other negative things. You will not be able to accept new stuff any better. Please stop. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 PLEASE stop. You find the things she's ALREADY shared with you unforgivable, plus you think she is fat, lazy, and other negative things. You will not be able to accept new stuff any better. Please stop. I personally believe that I have a right to know, and if she told me, then I could decide if I am willing to continue a relationship. I don't think it's okay to build a relationship with someone while keeping "dark secrets" about yourself locked away. If she came forward and told me the truth I would be well within my rights to decide to continue or terminate the relationship based on that information. If I was a convicted rapist or something, I would think she deserves to know that information and make the choice herself if she wants to continue the relationship. I think saying "everyone is entitled to keep secrets about their past" is not really normal or healthy. Where does that line get drawn. Is there a list somewhere of things you have to disclose like homicide and sex crimes... but everything else is off the table? What about attempted homicide, or sex crimes you never got convicted of? It's such a slippery slope. A lot of people are going to say "anything that doesn't have an impact on your relationship should stay in the past" but that's also a tricky statement. If we're at the bar together and a group of guys walk in who she did a gangbang with and never mentioned... well, that's not exactly "in the past" when it's sitting across the bar from me laughing in my face. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 What kind of crimes can you expunge from your record and after how long? I'm also having some trust issues regarding that in my relationship. Nothing terribly serious. (e.g. there will be no deals from a judge to have murder expunged for "being good" for a year or two after. That's usually what those deals are for - after a single 'poor judgment' offense, you show that you're no longer going to head down the road of shoplifting or whatever for x period of time and if you do your record for that offense is expunged.) Misdemeanors like public intoxication aren't terribly serious to begin with, so that'd be entirely believable. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I see. Indeed it is strange - it is probably more than a "couple of drinks". Was she doing drugs before? As for prostitution, I'm afraid she admitted to you that already (if I'm not mixing threads, didn't she say she was an "escort" before?). Is that a deal breaker for you? If so, you know your answer... If not, why do you need more details (I mean you know it was the case already ) Any misdemeanor can be expunged. The one I'm wondering about is prostitution. She claims she had a few drunk in public charges that she got expunged. But she works as a bartender. It seems odd to pay thousands of dollars to have your record sealed for a couple drunk in public charges... when you work as a bartender. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Nothing terribly serious. (e.g. there will be no deals from a judge to have murder expunged for "being good" for a year or two after. That's usually what those deals are for - after a single 'poor judgment' offense, you show that you're no longer going to head down the road of shoplifting or whatever for x period of time and if you do your record for that offense is expunged.) Misdemeanors like public intoxication aren't terribly serious to begin with, so that'd be entirely believable. Any misdemeanor can be expunged. Which can include anything from prostitution to drug possession. Felonies cannot be expunged. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 I see. Indeed it is strange - it is probably more than a "couple of drinks". Was she doing drugs before? As for prostitution, I'm afraid she admitted to you that already (if I'm not mixing threads, didn't she say she was an "escort" before?). Is that a deal breaker for you? If so, you know your answer... If not, why do you need more details (I mean you know it was the case already ) She said she only worked as an escort for about a month and only had sex with one customer. That's a lot different from working the corner and servicing hundreds or thousands of men. Link to post Share on other sites
kenji_t Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 You are here expecting someone to say "Don't believe her, she has no dark secrets". Don't fool yourself, if you can't accept her baggage, then move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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