Am I Receiving Partial Truth?

[Bigdaddyt]

BigdaddyT : all Tom has to do is see your situation and compere the two he would find out that his is much easier once he stops punishing himself. he has no kids they are both in their mid 20s. his W is not some Psycho like yours,she is not Bisexual. I read your story and the story of a guy whose wife got impregnate by the OM my mind wanted to blow up.

Tomcook: trust me, your situation is very easy if you take it that way

 

Tom \ Qubist, Tom when you put yourself back on the market, you will not be out there long. You seem like a really great guy, your young and no kids to tie you down. If it was not for my kids, I would have been gone years ago. Life is too short for what ifs. On a happier note my personal trainer asked me to go out on a date. What it took me four days, that has got to be a record. I told her I would love to date her, but I have too much going on to be involved in a relationship. I asked her to give me a little time.

[Bigdaddyt]

Tom \ Qubist, Tom when you put yourself back on the market, you will not be out there long. You seem like a really great guy, your young and no kids to tie you down. If it was not for my kids, I would have been gone years ago. Life is too short for what ifs. On a happier note my personal trainer asked me to go out on a date. What it took me four days, that has got to be a record. I told her I would love to date her, but I have too much going on to be involved in a relationship. I asked her to give me a little time.

 

Jesus, I sound like a girl.

[qubist]

Jesus, I sound like a girl.

if did sound like a little girl your WW would have loved you more :D:D if you know what I mean:bunny:

hey by the way dating your trainer would probably put your WW to coma.

Tom sorry to hijack your thread

[Bigdaddyt]

if did sound like a little girl your WW would have loved you more :D:D if you know what I mean:bunny:

hey by the way dating your trainer would probably put your WW to coma.

Tom sorry to hijack your thread

 

Qubist, now that is funny.

[aliveagain]

Thanks for being there for me qubist. True. Who knows what the future holds? I would love to see the real her. She came over. We cried and hugged. She asked me why I was giving up and cried and cried. She kept telling me she doesn't want to give up, and that I have everything there is to know. I told her that I would make her miserable. She said she liked the idea of getting together and trying under a trial period with an agreement, but I did not give in (although I wanted to). I stood my ground, but this hurts. Please tell me I made the right call in not going the trial period route. I don't want to live a life full of regret and what-ifs. I am glad I stood my ground though. I am glad to hear the reassurance of being fine. One day at a time, this will go.

 

Tom, she's telling you she doesn't want to give up but isn't that what she did? How else do you explain three other men, surely having other men's penis's in your mouth can't be considered working on the marriage. You didn't give up on the two of you she did. Many have successfully reconciled marriages far worse than yours, only you can decide how much of you your willing to compromise to do so. Maybe if she had been more honest with you from the begging instead of lying and only when cornered trick truthed you until now. All she did was compound the pain. She didn't hold back the truth to protect you but to protect herself. This is still all about her and how she is viewed by others. Remember she knew how much you disliked O/M but still did what she did right? No Tom you were not the one that gave up on your marriage, don't buy that bullsh*t.

[TX-SC]

Tom,

Only you can make this decision. Take a good, long look at what she did. She cheated with multiple guys and then lied about it to your face. I'm not saying you should divorce her. In fact, if you think it can work, I recommend you give it a shot. But, the desire to fix the marriage falls to her. She has to be willing to see this through and work on her own issues. It may seem impossible to geto over this, but the pain will ease in time. The fact that she gave the police report and is willing to take the lie detector is a positive step. Perhaps she is telling the truth and nothing more happened. But, even so, what she did was bad enough.

 

Take some time on this. She will regret her cheating forever. Will you regret divorcing her? Maybe. Maybe not. Take it slow.

[aliveagain]

Tom, go back and read your first post on August 26. She lied by omission about working with a former lover. One argument is all it took for her to blow you off and start dating, not one but three other men, and one is her former lover she never told you she worked with that was part of what caused the argument in the first place. Then you have to drag every detail out of her for the next painful year. Tom, none of this is your fault, everything I've written is all hers. Were you wrong to question and argue over her working with an ex lover you dislike, just look at the outcome, he got blown, your filing for divorce. You didn't cause this, you stopped it.

[turnera]

YOu're doing the right thing. You have a lot of grief to sort through and as you said, it's best to do it alone. Both of you. That's how you grow, by learning how to be ok by yourself. And you need time to heal. As you said, you can always meet up again later. There's a poster on another forum who set up his wife in an apartment, and she literally lived there for a year, neither of them doing anything but learning to get along without the other. She waited for him for that year, and he wanted to maybe give her another chance but also didn't. In the end, despite many telling him to kick her to the curb and divorce, he ended up giving her another chance. But she had shown him over that year that she WAS remorseful, was not looking to hook up with anyone else, and was willing to wait for him.

 

It's something I often recommend - to just wait, apart, get your own head together, do your grief period, and see where you stand later.

 

That said, since you have no kids and are so young, I'm not sure I would even advise that in your case. You may not have the experience yet to know if you're a better match with different women out there.

[World's.Edge]

Thank you World's.Edge. I can get through this. I just want some reassurance that I made the right decision to go straight for divorce and not for the trial period that I had been considering. She seemed so sad and disappointed. It was very hard for me to stand my ground, but I did. I will get started I guess, but please somebody give me some reassurance that I went the right way. God, this has been the hardest decision of my entire life. Hardest year of my life.

I won't lie, this won't be easy. It hardly ever is. Often there are no clear right or wrong decisions in these situations, there are just the choices we make. I believe that this is the right choice for you.

 

You questioning yourself is normal for any break up, even in the worst relationships will all sorts of f***** up s***.

 

You married her wanting and believing you'd spend your life together, you love and care for her. Those feelings will not dissipate overnight and cause you anguish and uncertainty.

 

You will doubt yourself, miss her, long for her, be angry at her, go through depression and grieve the relationship, but ultimately you will move on and not be so tortured.

 

This may feel bigger than you, and overwhelm you at times but you will learn and grow from this experience and you will be better for it, without all this confusion and emotional chaos. You will look back at this time and won't believe how far removed you are from it.

 

Life will be awesome again, all that is required of you is to endure, and to try.

Edited September 12, 2015 by World's.Edge

[BetrayedH]

I'm sure this will be no surprise but, I think you've made the right choice here.

 

She didn't need an eighth chance to do the right thing. I think you can rest assured that giving her seven chances was sufficient. You don't have anything to regret here. I think, given time, that you'll look back on this and seriously wonder why you were so tolerant of her unacceptable behavior and lies. If you have any regrets, I think it'll be that you didn't leave her sooner.

 

I also don't think you should see yourself as being "less than" for being unwilling or unable to forgive her. People that have reconciled with those that are still lying to them are not more enlightened than you; they're just more desperate.

[sidney2718]

She just recited the whole story of the OM that was forceful for the police report. She said she was afraid of her mom finding out, and it was too much for me. I told her not to worry about it anymore. I told her that I have given up, and that I have no fight left in me. I am done with the marriage. I cried. She said it would haunt her forever that she lost the one she loved and that she will be forever sorry for what she's done. I told her not to let it haunt her, and that I forgive her, but I wouldn't be able to forgive her if I was with her, and I would make her life a living hell. I told her to be free, and maybe some day when we grow as people, we will meet again. Thank you qubist. Thank you all. Very tough. I finally went over the edge and could not take it anymore. I have taken your advice. I have officially taken action to choose to put a stop to torturing myself.

 

You have done a right thing. Divorce takes time and so she still has time to convince you that in fact you do know everything (which you don't) and that she can be trusted in the future (which right now you can't).

 

I love the fact that she was afraid her MOTHER would find out. Not afraid that YOU would find out. Right there she's telling you something. She's got you figured for a pushover. She thinks that you won't ever carry out any threat you make.

 

And you make it easy by telling her not to let it haunt her. And telling her that you forgive her. You don't even know the full story yet. SHE has yet to explain why she thought it was OK to even become involved with these guys. Will she do it again? Or is she willing to undergo a divorce and still wait for you to come around. You seem as if you are willing to wait for her to come around.

 

File for divorce. Meet with her if you wish. But if you do you must NOT try to make her feel better about what she did. She has to make YOU feel better about what she did. Has she ever explained how she got into close physical contact with these guys?

 

You wrote above that the sleazy guy told her he wanted to have sex with her. What was her reaction? Did she tell you? No, she didn't. Did she tell him to go away and not bother her again, no she didn't.

 

By not telling him to stay away from her she was encouraging him. She was probably encouraging the other two as well. Why was she encouraging them? Has she ever explained that to you. You'll never recover until you know.

 

Ask her about these things AFTER you file for divorce. She's got nothing more to lose then. If she cared for you she'd tell you the truth to allow you some closure on the affair. Otherwise it will eat at you until the love you clearly still feel turns to hate.

[sidney2718]

Thank you World's.Edge. I can get through this. I just want some reassurance that I made the right decision to go straight for divorce and not for the trial period that I had been considering. She seemed so sad and disappointed. It was very hard for me to stand my ground, but I did. I will get started I guess, but please somebody give me some reassurance that I went the right way. God, this has been the hardest decision of my entire life. Hardest year of my life.

 

I repeat: I think you've done a right thing.

[drifter777]

The easiest thing to do is to pack all of your pain, anger, and shame into the back of your mind, take her back, and then pray for a miracle that will heal your hurt. There's a line in an old song that goes:

 

"We never failed to fail; it was the easiest thing to do"

 

It's natural to doubt your decision because you can't see the future. You have to choose your path based on everything you know about her betrayal and everything you know about yourself.

 

Ok, so you think that one of the guys forced her mouth on his penis. Ok, maybe. What about the other two? And you haven't heard the end of the sexual stuff because she ain't going to tell you until she has to. Or you find out. Revealing the blowjob stuff is her tossing you something "bad" so you will stop looking for the really nasty truth. She's playing you as sure as the sun will rise in the east.

 

This is only going to get uglier and more painful. You know enough about what she's done and enough about yourself. Be strong and walk away. It's hard, I know, but you will never regret starting fresh.

Edited September 13, 2015 by drifter777

[Popsicle]

Thanks for being there for me qubist. True. Who knows what the future holds? I would love to see the real her. She came over. We cried and hugged. She asked me why I was giving up and cried and cried. She kept telling me she doesn't want to give up, and that I have everything there is to know. I told her that I would make her miserable. She said she liked the idea of getting together and trying under a trial period with an agreement, but I did not give in (although I wanted to). I stood my ground, but this hurts. Please tell me I made the right call in not going the trial period route. I don't want to live a life full of regret and what-ifs. I am glad I stood my ground though. I am glad to hear the reassurance of being fine. One day at a time, this will go.

 

You will be fine, I promise. Please stand your ground and put this to rest.

[eric1]

Simply -

 

She is lying about the one-sides nature of the sexual encounters because in order to be in those sexual encounters there needs to be an emotional playbook before hand.

 

On three different occasions three different men got the "wrong idea"?

 

And your wife's response afterwards was the same as well?

 

You've signaled divorce, if she is STILL not telling the truth then it might just be sayanora time or polygraph time. With the poly you can atleast gauge her reaction.

[tomcook]

I loved all of your posts. Thanks for all the support. After reading the posts by Qubist, Fellini, Mr. Bojangles, TX-SC, my friends and others, I have (and I'm afraid some of you will bash me for this) decided that I will give my marriage a trial period. As some of you said, she seems to genuinely want to work on this. She has volunteered to do anything I ask, anything, and has already put a good foot forward. I have told her that there will be a postnup agreement and I will demand her to do everything I ask in order to repair the relationship dynamic. She agreed, and said that she is willing to jump through hoops for me, as much as she has to in order to prove that she loves me, wants me, etc. She said she doesn't want to throw everything we've done away, and if after the trial I am still not satisfied, we can go our separate ways. She's answered every single one of my questions up to this point without getting upset and weird. She's cried a little, but still answered them, and told me how dumb she feels for doing all of this, and how great of a person I am, and all of that good stuff. I've told her that although what she did is stupid, I have forgiven her (whether we stay together or go our separate way), and I am only making her recall the information for my benefit, her benefit, out benefit in moving past this, if possible. I've told her that although I have chosen this route, I am still obviously in the aftermath of finding out the last bit of info, so my emotions are not 100% on this, as you all can understand. It took a lot of work to push me to the point of accepting divorce, and I explained to her that it will be a lot of work to get me back from it. In fact, I may or may not ever come back from the feeling of wanting to divorce if I do not learn to move past it, which is a shame, but I understand some BS's just never get there. She has to be prepared to face that, which has saddened her a lot, but she has been very understanding. She says that she is confident that I will heal and that she can change my mindset within a trial period. I feel, as some of the other posters mentioned, that the most sensible thing to do is to try for a set period, because who knows, maybe the changes that take place will really make me happy I tried. However, if not, at least we can both feel less guilty and say that we tried. I am working on the details right now. I'll keep you all updated. Thanks for all of your inputs.

[TX-SC]

Personally, I think you are making the right decision here. This will be a long journey and can only work if SHE is all in. And, it will be difficult for both of you, but in different ways. You will have triggers. Believe me, they suck BAD! But with time, they become less of an issue. You will have mind movies too. You will picture what she did in your mind and it will be devastating. That too will eventually diminish. She is hopefully ashamed of herself. She hopefully now sees what went wrong and why she allowed herself to do what she did. If she does NOT see or feel these things, only IC will help her to do so.

 

Her cheating is 100% her fault. She must OWN that. But, problems in the marriage can be shared 50/50. Try to figure out ways to make your marriage BETTER than it was. MC can help with that once you two are truly ready.

 

Go back to courting and dating. Start your marriage over from the beginning (within reason). In fact, some couple divorce after infidelity, then remarry, with new vows. You might want to restate your vows at the very least. She **** on your previous vows. Redo and try again.

 

Again, take this slow. I would love to see both of you visit SI and post your stories. Read some of the other stories here and there. Some end well for the marriage and some don't. But, in almost all cases, the final result comes down to the WS. If he/she totally commits, R is possible. If not, well, you are wasting your time.

 

I truly wish you luck.

[MrBojangles]

Tom,

 

Best of luck to you both!

[SummerDreams]

When one day passed and you didnt post anything as you are used to do, I instantly knew she had turned you around. I feel sad cause you didnt have the strength to take your own life in your own hands and respect yourself. You think so little of yoursekf that you think she is your only possible source of happiness. It makes me so sad. Why are good guys doomed to become the victims all the time? Everything I told you, all the satisfaction I got when you stood up for yourself, everything was in vain. You will post in this forum again Tom sooner or later. I hope it wont be in the infidelity section.

[fellini]

Perhaps people only see what they want to see. At no time, even when he was talking divorce, did I believe this was the decision he wanted for himself. And I wouldn't be surprised if I was the only one here who could see and feel that.

 

I'm really disappointed with your pessimistic and condescending view of OP. I think after all he has gone through, he deserves better worded support than what you have offered him here given you good intentions in the past to be a voice of reason, I think you passed the line this time. It's almost like this is about YOU and not him. He still hasn't even really made his choice, other than to recognize he isn't ready to let go yet.

 

Unlike you, obviously, I see this as a strength, not a weakness.

 

 

When one day passed and you didnt post anything as you are used to do, I instantly knew she had turned you around. I feel sad cause you didnt have the strength to take your own life in your own hands and respect yourself. You think so little of yoursekf that you think she is your only possible source of happiness. It makes me so sad. Why are good guys doomed to become the victims all the time? Everything I told you, all the satisfaction I got when you stood up for yourself, everything was in vain. You will post in this forum again Tom sooner or later. I hope it wont be in the infidelity section.

[SummerDreams]

@fellini Yes you are right, it was an emotional, spontaneous post. Unfortunately I rarely give people a second chance that's why I am stunned when others do. I'm sorry for leaving my logic and empathy out the door in this post but it really is how I feel.

[fellini]

Okay Tom. So you are going to try the reconciliation route. Some pointers from experience (errors I made and things that seemed to work) Take them as needed:

 

1. Remember: Days and hours ahead in which you are thinking of leaving and decide to stay. They begin to eventually swing toward the latter if the process is working.

 

2. About "jumping through hoops". Initially very important. Be very careful about abusing these "ultimatums". Initially you need to protect your vulnerable position, but sometimes things can go too far.

 

Moreover, what I soon learned is I didn't want to be married to a "hoop jumper", I wanted the whole woman. I wanted to be able to see she was doing the "right" things because that is what SHE wanted, not because it is what I demanded.

 

3. Try to ease up when you think she is back on board because really the only thing you can shoot for is a more or less stable woman who can self regulate her behaviours. Get yourself into a position whereby if she screws up (and by this I don't mean she doesn't jump through ALL your hoops when you say GIDDYUP, but rather she doesn't do something against your relationship) you walk. Get yourself to that place whereby being able to walk away from this is what you want, regardless of the consequences. Be not afraid/unable to leave. This is the most powerful way to stay.

 

4. Soon. Only you know when, it will be time to stop talking about the specific guys (mentioning their names, for example) and perhaps better to talk about the meaning of the infidelity. What she has to do is fix what it was that allowed her to do what she did, not "fix" things about the specific persons involved. Try to fix a time and place to talk about issues. Don't drag them all along the day everytime something pops into your head. Write it down, and then on that day, ask yourself if its still an issue bothering you.

 

I made the mistake of wanting to discuss every little doubt that passed through my head as it did. This was exhausting for both of us. And ultimately counterproductive. I learned that I have a responsiblility to control and process my own thoughts. She is not responsible for the thoughts that pass through your head today.

 

5. Do not become addicted to being the victim in this. Letting go can be letting go of the pain and trauma BUT this DOES NOT MEAN you have to forgive and forget the affair. She needs to be in this 100% but SO DO YOU. You will have to acknowledge which issues are tearing you up and keeping you down and preventing you from happiness and you need to work on those. She cannot take away your pain. She can only fight to convince you that she will not hurt you again.

 

6. Expressing your love to her is NOT forgiving her. Don't be afraid to dive back into a loving relationship. You are not letting anyone off the hook by doing so, and you are not being a dormat for it either.

 

We have one obligation in life and that is to be happy. Not try, not seek it. To be happy. And you will find this happiness in any place you choose, because it is not out there, it is in you.

 

Recover your spark.

Edited September 14, 2015 by fellini

[fellini]

@fellini Yes you are right, it was an emotional, spontaneous post. Unfortunately I rarely give people a second chance that's why I am stunned when others do. I'm sorry for leaving my logic and empathy out the door in this post but it really is how I feel.

 

I understand.

 

But there is a reason "give people a second chance" is a cliche. Because it more than exists, it is embedded in our concept of decency.

[tomcook]

Personally, I think you are making the right decision here. This will be a long journey and can only work if SHE is all in. And, it will be difficult for both of you, but in different ways. You will have triggers. Believe me, they suck BAD! But with time, they become less of an issue. You will have mind movies too. You will picture what she did in your mind and it will be devastating. That too will eventually diminish. She is hopefully ashamed of herself. She hopefully now sees what went wrong and why she allowed herself to do what she did. If she does NOT see or feel these things, only IC will help her to do so.

 

Her cheating is 100% her fault. She must OWN that. But, problems in the marriage can be shared 50/50. Try to figure out ways to make your marriage BETTER than it was. MC can help with that once you two are truly ready.

 

Go back to courting and dating. Start your marriage over from the beginning (within reason). In fact, some couple divorce after infidelity, then remarry, with new vows. You might want to restate your vows at the very least. She **** on your previous vows. Redo and try again.

 

Again, take this slow. I would love to see both of you visit SI and post your stories. Read some of the other stories here and there. Some end well for the marriage and some don't. But, in almost all cases, the final result comes down to the WS. If he/she totally commits, R is possible. If not, well, you are wasting your time.

 

I truly wish you luck.

 

That's awesome TX-SC. Thanks for your support. I appreciate it. I know my decision might be upsetting for some of the other posters, but I am glad you're still supporting me. She does feel extremely ashamed of herself, but has admitted that she would like to go to counseling to understand why she did what she did. Like Fellini said in an earlier post, I do believe she is not the woman I married. That doesn't mean I will want to stay at the end of the trial, but I do believe I married a great woman, who has a lot of potential, and this is just a ****ed up decision she made on her part, but she can take it as a lesson for herself in the future, whether with me or now. I cannot be happy or deny the consequences of the trickled truth, but I do understand her perspective now. It is nice that both of us are at least able to communicate a little better now, I must say.

 

I am glad to hear you mention that the mind movies and the triggers will diminish over time. They are killing me right now. If some of you and my wife hadn't told me that giving it time might be a smarter option, I was sticking with my decision to divorce, so I've put myself on one end of the spectrum, but I am hoping that her new self can bring me back to the state of being truly happy that I am with this woman, because I do love her.

 

I will go over there to SI and check out some of the reconciliation stories. That'll definitely be an interesting read. My wife is optimistic that with her hard work, she can make me truly WANT to be in this relationship again, and eternally happy that I made the decision to give us a chance, so I will not expect anything definite, but I will try to be more hopeful each day. Thanks again for everything up to this point TX-SC. You're awesome.

[tomcook]

When one day passed and you didnt post anything as you are used to do, I instantly knew she had turned you around. I feel sad cause you didnt have the strength to take your own life in your own hands and respect yourself. You think so little of yoursekf that you think she is your only possible source of happiness. It makes me so sad. Why are good guys doomed to become the victims all the time? Everything I told you, all the satisfaction I got when you stood up for yourself, everything was in vain. You will post in this forum again Tom sooner or later. I hope it wont be in the infidelity section.

 

Hello SummerDreams. I am not going to get upset over your message, but I will let you know that I owe it to myself and my relationship to give it at least a shot over a trial period. All of your posts were not in vain. In fact, not one person's post on my thread was in vain. I learned so much from each and everyone of you. I appreciate all of your posts, the positive and the negative. I've learned a tremendous amount. If it wasn't for you all, I would not be here. I would have never gave my wife an ultimatum. I would have never been strong enough to ask for a separation. I would have never felt like I had the right to make demands for more, for my own happiness. I am still on the pathway to fully achieving everything, but I owe it all to you posters on LS. I know my story is not over. In fact, I know my story could end with a failed reconciliation or even in the worst possible case, a repeat post on the infidelity section. However, I know how to handle myself, know I have the strength to follow my path to MY happiness, all thanks to every single post here. Every word typed on my thread was not in vain. Every word holds its own influence and shapes a person, and I am so very lucky to have each and every one of you. I will be eternally grateful. So, although I have disappointed you, thank you SummerDreams. Thank you for your help.