Husband and neighbor had an affair (Update)

[Satu]

Snip

 

Next time she can find a free, single and available man.

 

One with a conscience, too.

[truncated]

op,

 

I hope you don't mind if I give you the same advice I would give my own daughter in your situation...

 

You're still young, and even though it might not seem like it right now, you can move on from this and find someone you don't always have to wonder about, but it sounds like to are leaning towards reconciliation. If that is the case, the I'd suggest the following...

 

See a lawyer to find out where you stand. That doesn't mean that you are going to divorce, jut that you'll have information you need to make decisions

 

I'd also suggest seeing a counselor on your own. It can be good to speak to someone who is neutral and who has a lot of experience in this type of situation. It can build your confidence up so that you feel good about the decisions you make, whatever they might be.

 

Third, don't expect quick fixes. Your marriage lasted a few years, then a seven month long affair. It's going to take a long time to recover from this, and no matter what, there will be times when it feels like for every step forward, you're taking two steps back. That's okay, so log as those forward steps are there. .

 

Fourth, while it may feel good to mete out justice and punish your husband ( should you reconcile) that's not really going to help much in the long run.

 

Fifth, If I were in your shoes, and i wanted to reconcile, I would tell my husband I need some time to sort out my thoughts. I would ask him to leave the house and stay with a friend or in a hotel for that time, and once I had sorted my thoughts out, I would write them down and come up with a list of the things I felt I needed from him and that were non-negotiable. Things like complete transparency, doing what I felt I needed to begin to rebuild trust, counseling, zero contact with the ow, etc. I would let him know that it was going to take a long time, and at first, it might just be baby steps towards rebuilding. I would ask him to take some time and really consider whether or not he felt he could meet those requirements and also whether or not he was ready for the time it might take to rebuild.

 

The most important thing to keep in mind is that this is not your fault. There are lots of guys out there who would treasure someone with a loyal and kind heart, and make you happy everyday. If you stay with your husband, do it because you want to, not because you feel you need to or because you don;t know what else to do.

 

The ow? All I can say about her is that she sounds like a real piece of work and if your husband can;t stay away from her, then your best course of action is to just go. You;ll get your revenge by making it easier for them to be together, and who knows- one day when you are out with the new wonderful man in your life or happily on your own, maybe you'll bump into them and the glare of jealousy on her face and the wistful look in his eye and maybe sad smile on his face when he sees you will be so sweet for you to see.

 

Whatever happens, you'll get through this, one step at a time.

[Taylorjones]

You guys were all right, he was lying to me the whole time. I'm sorry if this is a little jumbled but tears are pouring down my face as I type this. Yesterday I went to the house and we talked and I said I'd be back tomorrow. I circled around the town which took about a half an hour and came back to the house to check up on him unannounced. I pulled in the driveway, walked int he house which seemed empty until I walked into "our" bedroom. His little slut was laying in bed with him watching tv. I just said Zack why? And they jumped 50 feet in the air. His "side piece" ran past me out the door without saying anything. Zack, my husband, just stood there with a BUSTED look on his face. I said well as you know we are so over its not even funny but I think I deserve to know what happened. He finally confessed that the affair had been going on for more like a year before he told me, not 7 months. Also once he did tell me, they continued having sex and everything while I was at my mothers, sometimes she'd come over for "fun" multiple times a day. Then he said that he made a mistake marrying me and he just kept me to avoid a sloppy divorce. It was then I began to cry, I was trying my best to keep my tears back but they just flew out of my eyes. I asked why he needed her and he said " she's prettier, she's sexier and she's a way better lover. His plan was to just keep me and her and hopefully never get caught again. I just wanted to explode with anger right then and there, but I picked myself up, told him a couple things I don't want to repeat and I drove off. I told my mother and my family and they couldent believe it. So anyways you guys were always right, I was just a jealous loser who wanted a man that should've never been mine in the first place. I should've left him as soon as he told me maybe I would've saved myself from finding all of this out. Needless to say I am going to make this divorce absolute hell for him as much as I can. I'm ruined emotionally now, I had hardly any self esteem to begin with now he took any self esteem I had. Is there a place on here to talk about the next step? Meaning moving on from this? I want to thank each and everyone one of you who gave me guidance through this living nightmare. You were all right and I was naive and stupid, extremely stupid. I'd like if the same people that helped me here could help me try and move on if possible? Like I said I'm absolutely ruined emotionally speaking, but I'm calm and happy that I'm leaving him now that I know what kind of a "man" if you can even call him that he is. I'll keep you guys posted on how the divorce goes, but how can I get coping help from you guys? Thank you all for the help on this God bless every single one of you! Keep you posted

[truncated]

You guys were all right, he was lying to me the whole time. I'm sorry if this is a little jumbled but tears are pouring down my face as I type this. Yesterday I went to the house and we talked and I said I'd be back tomorrow. I circled around the town which took about a half an hour and came back to the house to check up on him unannounced. I pulled in the driveway, walked int he house which seemed empty until I walked into "our" bedroom. His little slut was laying in bed with him watching tv. I just said Zack why? And they jumped 50 feet in the air. His "side piece" ran past me out the door without saying anything. Zack, my husband, just stood there with a BUSTED look on his face. I said well as you know we are so over its not even funny but I think I deserve to know what happened. He finally confessed that the affair had been going on for more like a year before he told me, not 7 months. Also once he did tell me, they continued having sex and everything while I was at my mothers, sometimes she'd come over for "fun" multiple times a day. Then he said that he made a mistake marrying me and he just kept me to avoid a sloppy divorce. It was then I began to cry, I was trying my best to keep my tears back but they just flew out of my eyes. I asked why he needed her and he said " she's prettier, she's sexier and she's a way better lover. His plan was to just keep me and her and hopefully never get caught again. I just wanted to explode with anger right then and there, but I picked myself up, told him a couple things I don't want to repeat and I drove off. I told my mother and my family and they couldent believe it. So anyways you guys were always right, I was just a jealous loser who wanted a man that should've never been mine in the first place. I should've left him as soon as he told me maybe I would've saved myself from finding all of this out. Needless to say I am going to make this divorce absolute hell for him as much as I can. I'm ruined emotionally now, I had hardly any self esteem to begin with now he took any self esteem I had. Is there a place on here to talk about the next step? Meaning moving on from this? I want to thank each and everyone one of you who gave me guidance through this living nightmare. You were all right and I was naive and stupid, extremely stupid. I'd like if the same people that helped me here could help me try and move on if possible? Like I said I'm absolutely ruined emotionally speaking, but I'm calm and happy that I'm leaving him now that I know what kind of a "man" if you can even call him that he is. I'll keep you guys posted on how the divorce goes, but how can I get coping help from you guys? Thank you all for the help on this God bless every single one of you! Keep you posted

 

None of this is your fault.The blame lies squarely on the two of them.

 

The first thing to do is call a lawyer, ASAP, then call a counselor for yourself. Your self esteem is so low right now, and you will need to boost yourself up.

 

I know it may be soon to think of it this way, but you have saved yourself a lot of heartache and grief. You know just who and what he is now.

 

they do sound like they were made for each other...a coupe of low life liars. don't worry though, you'll get your revenge in the end. Miss thang won;t be able to be so young and perky, and the weight of being with a man she will never be able to trust will weight her down. One day, she'll be the one crying because mr. oversexed can't keep it in his pants, and she'll feel the exact same sense of sadness and anguish you do, with one difference. She should have known better.

[MrBojangles]

Hugs for you!

 

{{{{{Taylor}}}}}

 

F$@king scumbag loser!

 

Hope his d**k rots off!

[underpants]

hugs Taylor,

 

Sometimes it is eventually a good thing to believe when someone shows you who they are, even if it is not what you hoped. Now you can move on to a healthier life without a toxic dynamic.

 

There is a sub section here called separation/divorce. There you should find some advise as to to how to move forward. Many in this section are still with their cheating spouses.

 

I would also encourage you to seek some individual counseling as well. Perhaps try to figure out what attracted you to someone capable of this and to develop tools so as to not find yourself in a similar dynamic in the future.

 

You don't need to make a divorce 'hell', trust me, that could backfire on you. I watched someone I care about lose over 50k just to get 4k from him. Be fair and even if you have to fake it until you make it, be happy for him (really for yourself as you are removing something dangerous from your life). What helped me in a bad breakup once was to write down the good, bad and really bad qualities I saw in that person. Then when he contacted me with hoover maneuvers designed to suck me back in. I referred to that list and it strengthened my resolve.

 

Besides, letting him have this new young girlfriend will be all the punishment he needs.

 

Good luck, as much as it hurts now, it will get better with time, good counsel, letting go and actually growing your self esteem from within yourself.

 

You got this.

[qubist]

Taylor: hugs for you. do not believe his BS about her being a better lover. he is a cheater who wants to keep a wife a home and a slut for extra sex, the only reason he said it because he knew this was the end otherwise he would be begging you to stay

good thing you haven't invested too much into this M, move on it will take time to cope but tomorrow will be better than today for sure,

he will never find happiness as long as he is this selfish, she will find out the hard way that he was just using her for sex

good luck

[sandylee1]

Oh dear what a horrible thing to see.

 

I'm so sorry for you.

 

You're worth a million of them put together and he doesn't deserve you at all.

So he was getting a new house and was still going to keep her on the side ? How wicked of him.

 

Well from here on in, bring it on....make the divorce hell. The tramp can be with him.

 

You can post in the divorce and seperation thread here.

 

I have a motto, that I won't let any man make me miserable for life. I just won't give them the satisfaction of it. It took you by suprise and it's terrible that you had to see that. You see some women are fine being the dirty little secret, but there'll always be women like her.

 

Your honesty and integrity are priceless and you can leave his sorry behind right there. Your mom was right...

He's a swine, but you'll get through this..you will.

 

Hugs to you for witnessing the tramp in your bed. Your husband is shameless. Why bother getting married at all, if you still want to play the field....he's still young, he should have stayed single instead of wasting your time and messing with your emotions.

 

Anyway it's good you're done, because next thing she'd get pregnant to trap him. Lots of OW deliberately do this.

[Satu]

Taylor:

 

You've been in my mind a lot today, and I have to be honest and admit that I was worried about you. Worried because of what he might be doing.

 

But you've also been in my mind because I like you.

 

My fear was that you would never be seen here again, because he'd manipulated you into believing his lies.

 

I am relieved to know that you now know the truth.

 

Keep in touch with us all for any kind of opinion or advice you need.

 

We aren't going anywhere.

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

One other thing:

 

Get him out of that house, and get the locks changed asap.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to do that.

 

 

Take care.

[underpants]

Bad advice for who? The OW or the BW? It's meant to sting the OW, who deserves all that and more.

 

When you get involved with a MM, expect all kinds of everything.

Your post actually confirms that it hurt the OW, which is the intention and if you have contempt for them....so what? It doesn't matter to the BW, just like she didn't matter when you had an affair with her H.

 

I'm sure she has the same contempt for you as you do for her. You could say it's even now , except it's not you still had an A with her H, so she'll never feel great about it.

 

This OW can't expect to insult the OP and walk away. Despite your ex MM saying he was told to say it, it shows who he values more,because if it was you, he wouldn't have said it.

 

I apologize if my post caused you to trigger. You have misread my intention and context.

 

No 'affair', no 'contempt', no 'even' just nothing really. I dated a guy that I was friends with for years, then I got a conference call letting me know things, the most significant for me was that he was involved with someone else. I was polite and let it go, and have let it go. It was just weird. Stranger yet was all the apologizing and begging me to talk to him since (for years), met with no response from me.

 

If she had been kind I would have reciprocated, been honest and wished them well. I actually do wish them well wherever that takes them. He was my friend for over a decade, and I accepted the truth between the scripted insults so all good. I think the bullying to belittle me made him (still makes him?) feel bad. That is why I said this is bad advise, for the betrayed.

 

In my example the bullying and assumptions by someone I did not know gave me pause and I removed caring for either or their plights from my life.

 

simple.

 

I may start a thread on this as I have encountered this another time as well.

 

Anyway Taylor, hang on, the worst is over. I have a feeling you will not only survive this but thrive from this. You get a do over!

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry Taylor but at least now you know the truth before you moved into a house with this Loser. They both are horrible people. You have to start with NC which I'm sure is easy for you at this point. If you find yourself struggling too much there's nothing wrong with getting professional counseling. You deserve so much better than this guy and now you will be available to meet that man.

[cif]

Taylor, so sorry for your pain. Reading your post was like a stab through the heart.

 

The first thing you need to realize is you're not a loser, he is. Find an attorney ASAP. Do not sign anything. Had I read your post earlier I would've advised you not to move out.

 

Then you will need to find a therapist. No one should have to go through what you are.

 

I will be following your posts, as Im sure many others will be. Take care of yourself.

[understand50]

You guys were all right, he was lying to me the whole time. I'm sorry if this is a little jumbled but tears are pouring down my face as I type this. Yesterday I went to the house and we talked and I said I'd be back tomorrow. I circled around the town which took about a half an hour and came back to the house to check up on him unannounced. I pulled in the driveway, walked int he house which seemed empty until I walked into "our" bedroom. His little slut was laying in bed with him watching tv. I just said Zack why? And they jumped 50 feet in the air. His "side piece" ran past me out the door without saying anything. Zack, my husband, just stood there with a BUSTED look on his face. I said well as you know we are so over its not even funny but I think I deserve to know what happened. He finally confessed that the affair had been going on for more like a year before he told me, not 7 months. Also once he did tell me, they continued having sex and everything while I was at my mothers, sometimes she'd come over for "fun" multiple times a day. Then he said that he made a mistake marrying me and he just kept me to avoid a sloppy divorce. It was then I began to cry, I was trying my best to keep my tears back but they just flew out of my eyes. I asked why he needed her and he said " she's prettier, she's sexier and she's a way better lover. His plan was to just keep me and her and hopefully never get caught again. I just wanted to explode with anger right then and there, but I picked myself up, told him a couple things I don't want to repeat and I drove off. I told my mother and my family and they couldent believe it. So anyways you guys were always right, I was just a jealous loser who wanted a man that should've never been mine in the first place. I should've left him as soon as he told me maybe I would've saved myself from finding all of this out. Needless to say I am going to make this divorce absolute hell for him as much as I can. I'm ruined emotionally now, I had hardly any self esteem to begin with now he took any self esteem I had. Is there a place on here to talk about the next step? Meaning moving on from this? I want to thank each and everyone one of you who gave me guidance through this living nightmare. You were all right and I was naive and stupid, extremely stupid. I'd like if the same people that helped me here could help me try and move on if possible? Like I said I'm absolutely ruined emotionally speaking, but I'm calm and happy that I'm leaving him now that I know what kind of a "man" if you can even call him that he is. I'll keep you guys posted on how the divorce goes, but how can I get coping help from you guys? Thank you all for the help on this God bless every single one of you! Keep you posted

 

Taylorjones,

 

I am sorry for your loss. The loss of your dream, and life that may have been.

 

"I was just a jealous loser who wanted a man that should've never been mine in the first place."

 

Yes, you do not deserve this boy, because he is so low, that a woman of your caliber, deserves so much better.

 

You did not deserve his lies, and cheating.

 

You did not deserve to find out this way. Only a low life does things this way.

 

You did not deserve his abuse.

 

So you see? Yes, you did not deserve this boy, because any real loving beautiful woman, will only get a life of hell and be used by him. He is not a man, and will go through life using, not loving.

 

You know what you deserve? A good swift divorce, and a chance to find a man worthy of you, of your love and faithfulness. There are good men out there, you will find what you look for. Please do not let this define who you are. You are some much better, leave this POS behind.

 

"I was naive and stupid, extremely stupid" Why this hurts is you gave your heart to him, and he was unworthy of you, of your love, and time. Taylor we all are "naive and stupid, extremely stupid" when it comes to love. I have been, you have been, and many will in the future. You are human. Know, you have worth and love to give, and believe in yourself, do not let him take this from you. Do not let him win.

 

Wishing you good luck and love, and a good shark lawyer to make his life hell.

[sandylee1]

You guys were all right, he was lying to me....

 

Like I said I'm absolutely ruined emotionally speaking, but I'm calm and happy that I'm leaving him now that I know what kind of a "man" if you can even call him that he is. I'll keep you guys posted on how the divorce goes, but how can I get coping help from you guys? Thank you all for the help on this God bless every single one of you! Keep you posted

 

You are not a jealous loser.

You are not stupid.

You were naive and loved your husband

He didn't ever deserve a woman as true and honest as you

He lacks the maturity for marriage

He's a pathetic excuse for a man

The shame is on him and if he can carry on as normal - it shows he's a heartless bas***d

It's a good thing he doesn't want kids, as selfish people make bad parents

 

To be honest, I think you held it together as good as you could giventhe situation. You are human and have emotions .....I hope he thinks long and hard about how diabolically he behaved. No self respecting husband would do that.

 

So what's he got going for himself ? A good looking cheater who had a year long affair after 1 year of marriage....that shows what lack of integrity he has.

 

Be sure to tell his family about this, before he lies and calls you the cheater. It's been done many times before.

 

Get a good lawyer. You've not been married long and no kids , so it shouldn't be that complex.

 

Then you should invest time in YOU.

You need a pick me up....so treat yourself to a new hairstyle.

Get a makeover

Buy some new clothes to make you feel good

Buy some new lingerie, because the feeling good comes from what people don't see as well. It's smooth against your skin

 

Stand tall and walk with confidence

Never let him see you looking off point (as in not crisp and we'll turned out)

Go for walks

Get fresh air and go for walks

Join a gym

Try a new hobby

 

You don't have to do all this here and now, but I'd definitely do the new hairstyle (hilights/lolights) and a few new outfits now.

 

You gave your heart to someone who wasn't worthy of it. .....that's really all you did wrong.

 

Big hugs to you Taylor.

[Celestial-dreamer]

I was just a jealous loser who wanted a man that should've never been mine in the first place.

 

I'm ruined emotionally now, I had hardly any self esteem to begin with now he took any self esteem I had.

 

You were all right and I was naive and stupid, extremely stupid.

 

Taylor sweetie, your anything BUT a loser or stupid. HE is the loser. What he said to you is absolutely disgusting. He has no respect for you at all. My question is though why did he marry you if he didn't want to in the first place? He must have known that? So the A was going on for longer than the 7 mths? He's a right piece of work that one. He really thinks a lot of himself. This is a guy who came to your mums house begging for you to come home. Makes me want to gag. You need to go all out on him with this D....he doesn't want sloppy messy D....you go give him hell girl! Give yourself time to compose yourself, think clearly and not with anger...then go for everything. Expose the A to everyone (don't worry if you think people will think bad of you, they won't) Go for IC too, this guy knew you lacked confidence, and he knew how to twist the knife with his evil vile words.

 

Well now she can have his lying cheating a$$, remember she wont be prettier/sexier etc for long, there will be a new piece of skirt younger and prettier than she, and he will be off after that too. He needs his ego stroked big time that one does. Urgh.

[HereNorThere]

Your husband naturally assumes he has a choice between you and her, but what he doesn't realize is that she more than likely will leave once the relationship becomes "real."

 

That's what these OW/OMs do in most cases. They seek out unavailable people because they don't have the capacity for real intimacy. Once the other person is truly available, the allure usually wears off pretty fast for them.

 

They've had a barrier, a sort of Romeo and Juliet type scenario that's created a false sense of longing in their relationship. Once it's removed, things usually become very different. People like her want what they can't have, but once she has to smell his stinky morning breath or constantly worry about him leaving her (she knows he's a liar and cheater) she'll probably bounce.

 

Keep your guard up and take care of yourself. Get rid of these toxic people.

[elaine567]

Your husband naturally assumes he has a choice between you and her, but what he doesn't realize is that she more than likely will leave once the relationship becomes "real."

 

That's what these OW/OMs do in most cases. They seek out unavailable people because they don't have the capacity for real intimacy. Once the other person is truly available, the allure usually wears off pretty fast for them.

 

 

I am not too sure there, as this was a woman with a bf whose relationship didn't work, he left and she shifted her attention to the good looking lad from next door.

 

She gave "Zack" an ultimatum too, choose me or I tell your wife, so I guess she wants him. I think she has aspirations to be the next Mrs Zack, hence the occupying of the marital bed and the general lack of shame and the aggression towards the wife. This is war and he is the prize.

 

The OP now needs to forget the emotional stuff, the marriage is dead, be smart and cool and go legal.

[SummerDreams]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I assure you that in some time all this will be just a past bad nightmare. Use this as wisdom for your next relationship. Good luck.

[adna89]

i bet he will try to get back with you once this trash leaves..because judging by her behaviour she is not a serious relationship material at all

[SummerDreams]

I cant help but wonder, a man who wants to leave his wife cause she is not pretty or good in bed is not marriage material. Didnt the OP see that before she married him? She doesnt seem like a stupid woman so I guess she knew how shallow he was but she chose to ignore it.

[sandylee1]

It just makes you wonder...why did he marry you?

That's why I asked initially if you earned more than him. He could have waited until he way ready...as 25 is a young age for a guy to marry. You don't want kids and weren't pregnant..so not a shotgun wedding.

 

Never mind not wanting a messy divorce...why marry in the first place. You said HE was keen to get married when I asked that question.

 

You know. .....I think he really did love you when you married, but shame got to him and he had to try and justify why he cheated on you..........so if he makes out marrying you was a mistake....he doesn't feel so bad. I'll bet he's cheated in past relationships.

 

They loved the sneaking around...or at least he did....let's see where they go from here. They are both cheaters, so they make a good match. I think all the cheaters should be together and all the betrayed spouses with intergrity and values should stick together.

 

Your husband is as useful as a chocolate teapot!

[Sandy43]

Taylor, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Just know that you have done nothing wrong and you are not responsible for their actions.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so very sorry. I truly am. I told you the story of the man I knew because some people are like that. I believe your WH loved you dearly & completely. That's why he married you. He couldn't believe he was so lucky to get you & wanted to keep you all for himself but he's BROKEN. He will never be faithful to anyone. He's now crying sour grapes. He wouldn't of begged your Mum for forgiveness if he didn't want you.

I know you feel so broken & low now but you will see this is all his loss & your gain. No matter what he says he is hurting & will be for a long time. You will move on with your life. You will make better choices. You will find happiness. He will ALWAYS be sad. He doesn't want a girl like her or he wouldn't of treated her like this. She's a shag. You're the kind of woman he wanted for a wife. He will NEVER be able to keep a woman like you. He's broken. He's a very pathetic human being. I'm sorry it took all of this pain for you to see it.

 

I'm so sorry.

[Satu]

When it comes to marriage and partnership, he's utterly worthless.

 

People like him have to vomited up out of your psyche, so that you can feel untainted by them.

 

That takes time, but there's time enough to get it done.

 

For the moment, protecting yourself from further hurt is the important thing, together with going nuclear on the legal front.

 

Get him out out of the house, and get the locks changed asap.