Husband and neighbor had an affair (Update)

[m.snow]

Make sure you guys get some ic and mc. i hope people here can offer up some articles on R. or some notes on making sure its a real r and not a false one.

 

do whats best for you. short term and long term.

[Artie Lang]

why is it that everyone assumes he didn't use a condom?

 

because it's affair sex... i'll leave it at that.

 

 

have you come across this woman since she slammed the door in your face?

[StellaGrace]

Sorry if you posted this and I missed it, but how long were you together?

And did he tell you why he did this?

 

What came forward for me in reading your posts is why you don't believe you deserve better? This is a life you want? One of constant monitoring and mistrust and worry? This is a guy who told he loved you and then cheated on you for 7 months right under your nose and lied the whole time.... even treated you like crap in front of her when you went to check up on them in person. And still you stayed. Now he's confessed the truth and he's admitted he didn't always wear a condom thereby risking pregnancy with the girl next door. I can't imagine staying with a guy like this under any circumstances - no matter my feelings or his proclamations.

 

My advice to get into counseling and see what's going on with you that it's still in the realm of possibility to stay with a man who would do this.

[sandylee1]

@artielang and everyone else

 

I know it is ultimately my decision to stay or not, but don't think for one minute I'm not listening to and considering each and every one of your comments because I am listening to and considering them all. I am not even close to making a choice yet, why does everyone think I am? I won't make a choice for months, I might move back in with him, I might start talking to him but I'm not going to actually tell him he's or no for a long time and he doesn't deserve an answer any sooner. Also just curious, even though we're both getting tested, why is it that everyone assumes he didn't use a condom? I mean I know he didn't on a couple occasions (because he told me...YUCK) but why does everyone assume this? Keep you all posted.

 

With affairs of this length and multiple positions during sex, condoms would be too inconvenient and I've NEVER known them used in these cases. It ruins the fun for them. If he told you he didn't on a couple of occasions it's definetly more than that. It's a standard lie from cheaters just like the length of the affair as I said in my very first post.

 

I know it's all a shock to you at the moment. Hard to believe that you exchange vows a couple of years ago when you thought you'd found the love of your life, celebrating with friends and family and here you are now. Absolutely devastating.

 

But what's to stop him creating new social media without your knowledge?

What's to stop him opening a new email account or getting a secret phone?

He can install and uninstall apps that cheaters use to hide messages?

 

Where there's a will there's a way?

 

You know seasoned cheaters have a spare set of clothes at work and a second wallet. Credit cards that go to a P.O box.

 

They say their off to work and take the day off.

 

You wonder, for all those months did he even think about me, did he feel any guilt or just enjoy the extra sex and did he think what would happen if I found out.

 

In some cases with the good looking spouses, there's a feeling of entilement...because you know with my looks who can resist me, you should be grateful I'm with you.

 

I remember reading where one wife had cheated, had threesomes with her affair partner and his friend. No protection, all kinds of sex acts that she refused and continued to refuse to do with her H after he found out.

 

When people advised him to seperate from her, he said oh no, because she's so attractive and will be snapped up straight away.

 

Take time and if you decide to reconcile, I'll recommend some reading for the both of you and offer advice on other things to do.

 

Don't let fear of not finding someone else make you stay.

 

Take care

[sandylee1]

A lot of people suggest IC for a cheater. I'm not sure why it's not belivable that nothing is actually wrong with them, they are just selfish and want to have sex with other people. It's that simple. They want excitement and the thrill of it.

 

This isn't a case of 'I'm in an unhappy marriage, she doesn't understand me, we live like roommates'

 

No...this was a young marriage with a healthy sex life.

 

What happened down the line when you're pregnant or just had a baby? If he cheated now, just for the sex and he was getting sex at home with you, what hope is there? Those would be my burning questions.

 

Why wouldn't he do it again ?

Is it because he didn't think it was going to hurt you so much?

Or that you'd never find out?

Because with the latter, he just has to make sure you won't find out next time.

 

Have a read on the Other man/other woman forum here and other places online if you have time. You'll see many single OW in affairs for years and their not about to end it. Next time he might be lucky and get one of these.

 

In some cases OWs were there before the marriage and and there throughout the couple having kids. They have unprotected sex and risk the health of wife and unborn child.

The worst thing here is that you were suspicious and you expressed being uncomfortable, but that wasn't enough to stop him, so where was the concern for his wife?

 

He was only concerned about finding a better reason for them to be together. They must have racked their brains trying to find a good cover story to continue gaslighting you.

 

(Gaslighting*or*gas-lighting*is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.)

 

Many people would say , you know what, this is getting too risky, she's onto me and we need to end it, but oh no, he kept going back for more until she wanted him full time. Then he says he fu***d up.

[elaine567]

The other thing to consider here is that now you know, she may be even more interested in him. Many affairs continue as is, after Dday, the fact he told you about her, may be a big plus in her eyes.

She has the chance to replace you here and so it may not be over, just a bit less obvious.

 

He is going to find it difficult dealing with the fact he was the "big man" with two women in tow at his beck and call, and now he has to eat humble pie and try and make it up with you.

Cheaters lie, she may mean an awful lot to him, do not take his word that it was only sex, it may have been, but you have to consider this was something a lot deeper.

That great feeling of being desired, loved and wanted by two or more women, that sexual variety on tap too, is why some cheaters do it again and again, despite the consequences or in some cases lack of consequences.

 

So whilst it is good to know he was home alone when you unexpectedly dropped in, I guess any sex between them now, will be very carefully planned to avoid being discovered.

 

This is the problem you now face going forward, how do you keep an eye on a very good looking husband, who was quite happy to go off with another woman at a moment's notice, in the honeymoon period of your marriage? The honeymoon period when he was supposed to be totally loved up with you.

 

How do you think he is going to cope with pregnancy and kids when your hormones are raging, you are feeling ill and exhausted and sex is the last thing on your mind, who is HE going to turn to then?

Could you trust him to stay loyal?

 

It is not about "love" here, it is about the practical consideration of constantly worrying and wondering where he is and what he is getting up to, and about how you live with that year in and year out.

[LifesontheUp]

Tj,

 

I am sorry to read what has happened and you have been given some serious, honest and experienced advice I will not repeat. But, I'll ask you a question.

 

So you move and are settled in your new home for 6 months when a young 20+ year old moves in next door to you. How are you going to feel?

 

How will your husband react? Do you think he will be able to stop his entitlement that he can just get some of that and come home to you again?

[sandylee1]

 

So whilst it is good to know he was home alone when you unexpectedly dropped in, I guess any sex between them now, will be very carefully planned to avoid being discovered.

 

The honeymoon period when he was supposed to be totally loved up with you.

 

How do you think he is going to cope with pregnancy and kids when your hormones are raging, you are feeling ill and exhausted and sex is the last thing on your mind, who is HE going to turn to then?

Could you trust him to stay loyal?

 

It is not about "love" here, it is about the practical consideration of constantly worrying and wondering where he is and what he is getting up to, and about how you live with that year in and year out.

 

Totally agree with Elaine

 

Also to add...he was home alone. ..well he'd be really stupid to bring her to your house now, but he never had her in your house anyway did he. He's not going to risk it going back so soon.

 

He may not have been home and just slipped across to her house....how would you know? She's not opening the door for you and next thing she could try and get a R. O, having made up stories about you threatening her after she had an A with your H.

 

This is a very good looking guy and he's 5 years younger than you...The chances of him being faithful the rest of your marriage are very very slim IMO.

 

Taylor..I just wanted to get a better insight here....

 

Can I just ask how long you were together before marriage?

Was he keen to get married?

Does he earn more than you?

Have you both of discussed starting family in the future?

Is he close to his family? Parents /siblings? Are you close to them?

[elaine567]

I haven't checked his email or anything like that but I'm just gonna delete all of his email and social media accounts because

1, he's not having social media anymore because he can meet woman on there and

2 he's going to be making a new email under my guidance.

 

OK you have cut off his social media totally, but what 27 year old man is going to put up with that long term? YOU are NOT his mother.

He can go out tomorrow, buy a cheap pay as you go phone or a laptop and he can set it all up again.

Humans are devious, you cannot police the cheating out of him.

He has to want to stop cheating.

[stillafool]

I would almost bet his affair partner is in love with him. You know how attached women become when having sex with a goodlooking man. That is probably one of the reasons she slammed the door in your face instead of begging for your forgiveness and declaring that she will never do it again. I definitely think there was more going on between them than sex.

[flowergirl14]

He will find another way if he wants to cheat again. Text messaging, game apps, burner phones, secret emails. No he wont use any of the outlets you are monitoring. ASK Me how I know. You will at some point trust your gut or turn a blind eye. Have you checked chump lady out? They are anti reconciliation. For good reason. Many people start out in the heal your marriage pro reconciliation forums. Then either experiece false R ( spouse continues affair or starts another) or live in misery playing detective. I think its natural to have hope and cling to the belief of who you thought/think your h is. You have to really LOOK at his actions NOT his words. This is who he really is. Cheaters lie without batting an eye. So dont take Anything he says at face value. Another thing is make a journal and write down all the crappy things he has done. The bs tends to forget wich is a form of betrayal blindness. Everyone here just wants you..a complete stranger.. to not be duped and lied to again.

[stillafool]

Taylorjones;6500402Also just curious, even though we're both getting

tested, why is it that everyone assumes he didn't use a condom? I mean I know he

didn't on a couple occasions (because he told me...YUCK) but why does everyone

assume this? Keep you all posted.

 

Because affair sex is hot and passionate. No time for condoms nor do they want one.

 

Also your man didn't make a mistake he made a choice to cheat and lie to you about your next door neighbor.

[pondhawk]

@herenorthere

but you guys make it out to seem like no guy deserves a second chance. I mean everyone makes mistakes,

 

I gave my ex a second chance and wasted a decade of my life. A DECADE. Please do not fool yourself, 7 months was no mistake.

 

His lack of character and morals told himself that he was entitled for whatever reason.

[ShatteredLady]

What was his sexual history before you got together? Is he a 'big man' with his friends? Are they happily married men or the kind that go on about hot women & their exploits? If he has a past of sleeping around, one night stands & cheating on past girlfriends it's going to be a hard habit to break, particularly if he hangs out with other men who think its cool & impressive to sleep with as many women as possible.

 

I think the reason most of the posts here are recommending divorce is the short time you've been married. Just over a year & you should be in the honeymoon phase not looking to shag the girl nextdoor!!

 

If you stay with this man the day will come that you're pregnant. Maybe not feeling sexual. Bloated ankles, morning sickness, crazy hormones. Do you want a husband who cherishes you. Loves your glow & adores your bump or do you want hormonal insanity, feeling worse & worse about yourself, driving yourself crazy, looking at every attractive woman passing as his next sexual play thing?

 

If he can't resist now what chances are there when your post pregnancy droopy, sleep deprived & smelling like baby puke & hes really stressed out? The most special moments in your life will be tainted by insecurity.

What about as he ages & those treasured good looks start to fade? What do you think he's going to do to feel better about himself & his deflating ego?

I had a close male friend who was incredibly good looking. He was a charming fun guy but something was very broken with him. I spent hours with him crying on my shoulder when the latest 'love of his life' discovered his infidelities & dumped him. Even broken hearted & wracked with guilt his eyes would wander up & down any hot woman who passed. As a friend I never doubted his sincerity & LOVE of his partners. It was always very deep & very real. No matter how much he loved he'd still end-up shagging some strange girl up against the wall behind the pub! Some people can't say no when sex is offered. It's a sickness.

[ladydesigner]

I gave my ex a second chance and wasted a decade of my life. A DECADE. Please do not fool yourself, 7 months was no mistake.

 

His lack of character and morals told himself that he was entitled for whatever reason.

 

I have to echo this! A one night stand I can maybe see how that could be a mistake. An A that was long term, no way, he made a series of choices over and over again to deceive you.

[Noirek]

Forget him and trying to be his mother or master and control him with "consequences" and other desperate acts. Reasonable demands are one thing but make yourseld be rational and think about what you are asking of him. "Punishing" him will not help either of you or your marriage if you want to keep that door open. Made up "Consequences" will not change him or make him faithful.

 

Focus on you, get help with your self esteem, pain, and anger issues. Just like him your a grown adult responsible for your own actions ans hitting, throwing things and violence is not okay. Work on yourself and your coping skills and make yourself someone who can stand on their own. Hopefully he will take the time to work on himself. Then, when you feel you are in a better place, you will feel stronger to work on the marriage or end it.

[World's.Edge]

Taylorjones, sorry for what you're going through.

 

I recommend that you read, reread and rereread every post that Sandylee1 has written on this thread. There is much wisdom, insight, knowledge and observations in them that will serve you well.

[darkmoon]

quit and find the right guy, you have no kids, no ties...

one day you will hardly remember him

[HereNorThere]

Also just curious, even though we're both getting tested, why is it that everyone assumes he didn't use a condom? I mean I know he didn't on a couple occasions (because he told me...YUCK) but why does everyone assume this? Keep you all posted.

 

Because he has already demonstrated that he lacks forethought and impulse control and obviously dangerously reckless.

 

Using condoms requires a level of responsibility and care that this guy is incapable of, but most people who are married are just simply not used to wearing them anymore, so it doesn't even cross their mind.

 

Why would you give someone like this the benefit of any doubt? If this guy walked up and punched a baby I wouldn't be surprised.

[Taylorjones]

We were together 2 years before getting married. He is kind of close with his parents, and yes he was keen to make me his bride. And he makes considerably more than I do.

[Taylorjones]

All you guys are making very good points, points that I can't overlook. I just love him so much, I mean I hate him for what he did, but I love him immensely. I just don't know what to do. I checked in on him today and everything was good. He kept apologizing and everything. We both got tested for STDs and we should get the results tomorrow they said. He said that he understands how upset I am (yeah right) and that he understands it's gonna be a long time before I make a decision on what I'm gonna do. He's being the perfect husband right now, sent flowers to for me and my mother to her house, sent me a card ect. We're texting right now and he's just acting so great, but with his track record this could all just be a performance, keep you posted.

 

Oh and by the way Artie, no I haven't seen her at all.

[Celestial-dreamer]

All you guys are making very good points, points that I can't overlook. I just love him so much, I mean I hate him for what he did, but I love him immensely. I just don't know what to do. I checked in on him today and everything was good. He kept apologizing and everything. We both got tested for STDs and we should get the results tomorrow they said. He said that he understands how upset I am (yeah right) and that he understands it's gonna be a long time before I make a decision on what I'm gonna do. He's being the perfect husband right now, sent flowers to for me and my mother to her house, sent me a card ect. We're texting right now and he's just acting so great, but with his track record this could all just be a performance, keep you posted.

 

Oh and by the way Artie, no I haven't seen her at all.

 

Oh dear. Exactly what he will do to placate you. Your falling for it. He has you right where he wants you and he knows it. He understands how upset you are? Where was that thought when he was banging miss next door neighbour? You know, the one he was helping in the garden. The one who it wouldn't have ended with if she hadn't threatened to tell you? Keep reminding yourself of that....it wasn't going to end. It's only because she wanted more. If she hadn't have asked him to leave you, they would still be at it now. You can't see it at the moment because you want him so badly. Why? He won't stay faithful to you, you know this. You deserve so much more. All he is doing now is damage control, doing all he can to win you round. Try to think with your head not your heart. Is he worth the heartache?

[Noirek]

Do we know he wouldn't have confessed without her threatening? Maybe it just got too much for him. It did for me. The affair was over and very little to no chance of it being discovered and I confessed. Adding none factual assumptions is fine just make sure to clarify you are only assuming. Unless I missed where the OW forced a confession.

 

OP, right now in the minds of most on here they will pull apart every action he does. Damned if he does sort of thing. You know him best. You didn't like his attitude and actions with her so you know your gut is good on this. I still think you should be focusing on fixing you. But it doesn't mean you can't keep this on a healthy ground for R. And you are not a doormat or weak or whatever other insults are slung at you should you choose to attempt R.

[Artie Lang]

screw the flowers. if he really wants to start to make amends, he should go to your mother's house- personally, on bended knee -and ask for her forgiveness as well. tell her what a lying, cheating, jerk he's been and that he will move mountains to win back her daughter.

 

have you demanded a NC letter? you seriously gotta do this.

[Taylorjones]

Artie he did exactly what you described tonight, except for the whole bending down thing. He actually came over without telling me and begged for my mothers forgiveness. He actually started crying and so did my mother. I cried to, I'm actually starting to think he's genuinely sorry. My mother told him that she forgives him, but she doesn't forget. He told me that he didn't expect an answer from me tonight, he just wanted to make amends with my mom because it was really bothering him. I just don't know, I'm just so confused, he's acting sincere but he's proved himself to be a damn good actor..... Thoughts?