Husband and neighbor had an affair (Update)

[sandylee1]

Again there must be NC with the OW. You must move far away.

 

This is more than no contact with the OW.

 

He cheated at 1 year and 5 months. What hope is there with a newlywed cheater like this.

 

He's your problem.

 

I'd tell him I hope the 7 month affair was worth loosing his marriage over. What a selfish and disrespectful husband.

[aliveagain]

This man was having wife sex with you and porn star sex with the neighbour. Your married a couple of years and have no children, listen to your mother. I am sure the neighbourhood will figure out what is going on when they see her cutting her own grass again. I give your relationship little to no hope of survival as long as you live next door to his affair partner. Talk to a lawyer, move him into the spare bedroom until you know all your options.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I cried so much last night I threw up 2 times. I guess I still love my husband but how could he treat me like this HOW????? What do you guys make of this and what should I do?

 

Please, please advise me on this. Btw my mother said I should leave him and never look back but I really really don't want to do that.

 

Your husband is not who you thought he was. You love the idealized version of your husband.

 

You will never forget his affair. You may be able to forgive him at some point down the road, but your will not forget it.

 

How could he treat you like this? You might not ever get that answer. For me, I gave up on that quest after a year. Trying to answer that question was emotionally exhausting and I never came close to the answer.

 

You have no kids. You are young. I say divorce him. You don't have to make any decisions now. You don't have to forgive him now. Forgiveness on this level is not a one-time decision, but a daily decision. Reconciliation is a long and hard road even under the best circumstances.

 

For me to reconcile with my WW, I had to know the "Why's" of her cheating. Saying "sorry" doesn't cut it. She had to do a lot soul searching in figuring out how/why she was able to do what she did. Then she had to convince me that those issues had been addressed and corrected. Otherwise, a WS could just cheat again in the future under similar circumstances.

[Satu]

*I think I'm showing him that he made a mistake

 

No. He didn't 'make a mistake.'

 

He deliberately betrayed you, thought that he could get away with it, and you'd never find out. His arrogance is unbelievable.

 

He thought he was cleverer than you, and that you'd never figure it out. That shows a lot of contempt, if you really think about it.

 

He thinks that he can still manipulate you into giving him instant forgiveness, so he can live the easy life again.

 

You can try to give him that forgiveness, but you won't be able to.

 

You can try to convince yourself that he loves you, but you won't be able to do that either.

Edited August 18, 2015 by Satu

[Satu]

I'll make this my last post on this thread.

 

I've said all I want to say.

 

 

Take care, OP.

[elaine567]

No. He didn't 'make a mistake.'

He deliberately betrayed you, thought that he could get away with it, and you'd never find out.

His arrogance is unbelievable.

He thought he was cleverer than you, and that you'd never figure it out.

That shows a lot of contempt, if you really think about it.

 

Every single time he walked out of the door of your house and moseyed over to her place and banged her silly, he simply made a mistake? Do you really believe that?

 

He must be a slow learner, as it took him 7 months of "mistakes" and it took her to threaten to expose his cheating a$$, in order for him to admit his "mistakes" to you.

Satu is right, he deliberately betrayed you again and again and again.

 

You are a young woman, you have little or no baggage here, please do not wait till your baggage mounts up with kids, pregnancy and complications, before you leave him.

Having a cheating husband with two little kids and one on the way is NO fun.

He has, happily for you, shown you who he is really is early on, please believe him.

[Grapesofwrath]

What consequences is he experiencing? They are likely not severe enough. As his wife, I'm sure you know his vulnerabilities. Enforce consequences that will be meaningful to him.

 

At the risk of piling on...You said in your original post that he lied once. He did not lie once. He lied over and over and over again. Contempt is the word. He has shown you contempt. I agree that she is not your real problem. He is.

 

Based on some of what you've written, it sounds like you may have some self-esteem issues. He knows it and is exploiting it. You are, without question, much more lovable than you think you are. You will find someone else. Don't stay with this clown out of fear that you won't find someone else. You will.

[ShatteredLady]

When I found that my husband had been having an affair my gut reaction was, "What's wrong with me? Am I not attractive enough? Not good enough?". You need to get over that fast!! I fell even deeper into the dark hole of depression, physically sick, constant panic attacks. I stopped eating, sleeping, living. Now I've found anger & it's a much healthier place to be. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know that it's one of the most painful experiences we can ever endure.

He did this to you! Some people simply can't resist a tramp when it's thrown in their face & then the excitement kicks in. It's heart breaking but you're being tortured because of his fantasy high.

My H first had an affair when we had been married a little longer than you. I honestly dealt with it & moved on. My brother took his own life the year after & that changed everything. The pain & betrayal was gone. We went on to have 2 beautiful children. Fast forward 12 years & I find the receipt for 2 bouquets of flowers for mothers day!! Hers were better & came with a "To the Best Mother in the World. LOVE" card!! There aren't words to describe as a mother how hard that hits.

 

I chose to forgive & work on my marriage. You're young. You don't have children yet (I had my daughter past 40, many women do. Don't think there's some stupid clock ticking!) I can't advise you. I'm a hapless romantic who takes her marriage vows way to seriously. I've been changed as a person. This is all too fresh for me. The wounds are still bleeding. I believed they were 'friends' (I know! I'm crazy!) until I found the emails a couple of weeks ago. I'm still spinning in insanity like you.

 

Please REALLY think about your future & give it time. "Until death us do part" is a bloody long time with someone who doesn't share your values. Now you know he is capable of this would you of married him 2 years ago?

 

Hugs, my heart is with you. I know it hurts beyond imagination. I'm so sorry.

[flowergirl14]

You are being way too quick to forgive. He will swear on his mothers life that he wont cheat again..he will. 2. He will tell you he would never want to hurt you again

He will. He will say he just got caught up in it...no he took deliberate actions every single day. He might say that he didnt think you loved him. Or some other bs reason. I am confirming that you are right. He would not have stopped had the ow not put the pressure on him. He is a sneaky, lying, cheater. Listen to everyone on here. Your mom. Leave. Throw hope out the window and really Look at the facts.

[Taylorjones]

@shatteredlady

It seems like you felt the same emotions I am feeling. I feel as though I'm not deserving of him which I know isn't true. It's just that even though I know he lied for 7 months, that doesn't mean that he's always going to be unfaithful does it? I mean it goes back to the wholes nice a cheater always a cheater thing which I don't know if I believe.

 

Anyways for those of you helping me through this, I'm currently stayi with my mother at her house. It just a couple of minutes away from my house. I told my husband I'd be staying there until he did some soul searching and came up with some reasons we should try to work this out together. Also I will be periodically stopping by everyday multiple times to see what he's up to. Thanks everyone I will keep you posted whenever this progresses.

[HereNorThere]

Cheated on your for 7 months, exposed you to some strange woman's vaginal fluids (congrats, I bet you guys have the same flora now. You can share yeast infection cream) lied over and over, made you out to be fool, embarrassed you beyond belief, etc. etc.

 

Yeah, some answered questions and a couple nights on the futon seems like an even trade. Ugh.

 

Look, you're taking him back because you (admittedly) have self-esteem issues. Why did he cheat on you? Well, because he knew he could. He knows that you don't think you could do any better than him.

 

I'm just here to say, ANYONE can do better than that.

 

I have a family member in a very similar situation who ended up giving his partner aids through an extramarital affair. They stayed together, but mostly for their kids. That and well, they both have aids now. Hetrosexual dating with aids isn't as easy you'd think, so I'm sure they felt kinda stuck anyway. Don't end up like them. This isn't some mistake, this was a very well, thought out, long term deception that would still be going on right now if he had his way. Don't allow him to minimize how evil he is. Do you really want to take a chance having a child with this monster?

 

Deal with it now or get your heart broken again. This person will never treat you well because he knows you don't love yourself enough to demand it. I suggest getting into intensive, long-term therapy. Also, why don't you try to take some time away and clear your head. He has your mind so manipulated and warped that you need a little time to detox from him.

 

I guarantee you that if you say "I'm going to go stay at my mom's house for a week" he will FREAK out. He needs you to be around to keep you nice and brainwashed. He isn't going to let anyone else program his robot. As long as he's there, he'll keep you under that spell. He'll cry those crocodile tears, tell you he's sorry, pretend he's distraught and eventually, you'll end up consoling him. That's what these narcissistic manipulators do.

 

It's only a matter of time before he becomes the victim. He'll play it out like he can't live with guilt, blah blah blah, but it's just to take to focus off of what happened.

 

Watch.

[HereNorThere]

BTW - Once a cheater, always a cheater doesn't apply to this situation because he wasn't once a cheater. I think it would be more like 100+ times a cheater, always a cheater in a situation like this.

[troubadour]

 

I feel as though I'm not deserving of him which I know isn't true.

 

He is a liar and cheater but you still feel that you don't deserve him.... WHY?

 

 

 

Also I will be periodically stopping by everyday multiple times to see what he's up to.

 

I am afraid that you will have to get used to it because this is how your marriage to him is going to look like.... total bliss.

Edited August 18, 2015 by troubadour

[understand50]

I am following through with consequences, a lot of them. And I know it wasn't my fault I know that. I'm just so confused,ashamed and embarrassed. I was made out to be a fool in this ordeal and I will never forget that. I'm not going to take my husband back at any cost I just wanna try to make it work as long as nothing else comes out of the woodwork. I don't think I'm sending him the message that he can get away with it again, I think I'm showing him that he made a mistake and although I am hurt beyond words I love him enough to work through it and I do think he loves me. As of now he's sleeping on the futon and I'm in the bed. He's being very cooperative now, answering my questions, apologizing every chance he gets and such. He could just be telling me what I want to hear but something tells me he realizes what he did was horrible and I think/hope we can make it through this together and stay together. Thank you all for your kind words, people on here are so nice and knowledgable. I will keep everyone posted down to my final decision of what I end up doing staying or not. :/

 

Taylorjones,

 

First off, sorry this is happening so early in your marriage, you both should be having fun with each other.

 

Second, if I was you, I would be filing for divorce, and I say this as a man who did forgive his G/F now wife, but it looks like you are going to try and see if you can reconcile. All we know is what you have wrote, and I am sure the story is much bigger then what we know. Reconciliation, or divorce, both are options. What most of us want for you is for you to make a decision with your eye wide open. Of the two options, I am of the opinion that reconciliation is harder, as you have to forgive and are reminded more of the pain and hurt.

 

To reconcile, you have to love him enough to forgive and over look the pain and hurt that he caused. While you will never forget what he did, you must learn to live with him with out making both your lives a living hell. You are giving him the gift of a second chance, and you need to recognize that while you will need to set down rules, he must be able to live with him. In my other post, I gave some ideas on how my wife and I reconnected and try and stay that way. I do not know if that would work for you, but you both need to find something if this is to work.

 

For his part, he will needs to own what he did, make no excuses on why, and be open to all your questions of what happened. He will have to lead a open life to you. BTW, I think spouses should be open and honest in general, makes for a happy marriage. The link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know Gives a good idea of what a WS needs to do, and a good narrative of the pain and hurt that was caused. Have him read it, you read it. It will a least put you on a common page. There are other books, I am sure that can be suggested.

 

So, if you take the hard road of reconciliation, just be aware of what you are getting in for. Read all the posts, even the posters saying divorce, it will keep you from seeing things in a fog. As for your decision, it is yours and yours alone. Make the best one for you, with the best information you have at this time. It is OK, and expected, for your decision to change if new information comes along. There is no shame in divorce, or in reconciliation.

 

I wish you luck and peace of mind.

[pondhawk]

Also I will be periodically stopping by everyday multiple times to see what he's up to.

 

This is playing marriage police. You don't want to be detective. It will CONSUME your every thinking moment and cause you to become further physically sick.

 

You have to focus on you and your health. I went through this too and ended up in the hospital because extreme stress depleted my potassium levels and caused my young, healthy, heart to go crazy. Be good to YOU. Drink lots of water and try to eat.

 

Most importantly, know that you cannot control him. If he sees you checking up on him multiple times, he will take his behavior further underground. IMO, you should kick him out of the house and force him to live somewhere else. He did wrong not you. Why reward him with his home next to ho-neighbor?

 

I second the advice to look up CHUMP LADY. You may recognize a lot of your WH behavior and his responses. Cheaters will lie lie lie lie lie.

 

This is NOT ABOUT YOU. Cheaters lack character. It's not because you're not pretty enough, or exciting enough....it's about HIM.

 

(((Hugs))).....I know it hurts.

[Taylorjones]

@herenorthere

 

I did move out to my mothers this morning and he did try to make me stay but I finally stood up for myself and told him how it was gonna be. We did have sex a lot while he was cheating so I am disgusted that he was inside me with her fluids on him. But as I said were both getting tested for stds and I just pray neither of us have anything. Anyways he's texting me nonstop telling me to please come home, are these crocodile tears? Possibly but maybe not. I know that I'm basically blinded with shock and depression, but you guys make it out to seem like no guy deserves a second chance. I mean everyone makes mistakes, granted his was a huge one that there no excuse for but still it IS possible that he's changed. But nevertheless I'm staying here until he's found him self so to speak. I'll keep you guys posted, God bless you all I really appreciate the help for each and every one of you!

[aliveagain]

I would be shocked if your husband used protection, one of the biggest rushes for cheaters is exchanging bodily fluids with a new partner. A seven month affair with an available next door neighbour gave him dozens and dozens of opportunities to cheat on you. Cheaters lie to minimize their betrayal. A lot of thought and planning went into their 7 months of deception, planning they discussed in secret to deceive you. The only time he thought of you was when he was cleaning himself before coming home. I bet she was well stocked with unscented soaps and body wash. Treat him with the same respect he treated you with, none.

[sandylee1]

@herenorthere

 

I did move out to my mothers this morning and he did try to make me stay but I finally stood up for myself and told him how it was gonna be. We did have sex a lot while he was cheating so I am disgusted that he was inside me with her fluids on him. But as I said were both getting tested for stds and I just pray neither of us have anything. Anyways he's texting me nonstop telling me to please come home, are these crocodile tears? Possibly but maybe not. I know that I'm basically blinded with shock and depression, but you guys make it out to seem like no guy deserves a second chance. I mean everyone makes mistakes, granted his was a huge one that there no excuse for but still it IS possible that he's changed. But nevertheless I'm staying here until he's found him self so to speak. I'll keep you guys posted, God bless you all I really appreciate the help for each and every one of you!

 

 

Sometimes it's worth a second chance. This would be in my opinion :

 

When you have children to consider

 

When you've had an otherwise long and happy marriage

 

When the cheater confesses having ended the affair (not because they were pushed to )

 

If it was a one night stand with immediate regret /remorse. One time and I MIGHT accept that it was in the heat of the moment not 7 months.

 

If he had the decency to wear protection to not risk the health of me his faithful wife from Std's or risk getting her pregnant.

 

When the marriage was in a really bad state and you contributed to that..as an example, if my H cheated and we hadn't had sex in 5 years because I refused, then I would not be suprised if he cheated

 

Or if I was mean and nasty to him eroding his confidence and self esteem...then yes..I'd give it another chance

 

If I wasn't made to look like a complete fool while they played house next door

 

-------------------------------------'-''''''''''''-'''''''------------

If LOVE translates yo my husband cheating after 17 months of marriage, then I'll pass on it.

 

I feel every spouse should have a dealbreaker in their marriage, it seems cheating isn't a dealbreaker for you. That will send your H a clear message.

 

You know if I was him I'd be thinking.......if she doesn't leave after just 2 years and no kids and I've had a 7 month affair .....she certainly won't leave after more years invested and kids or if she's pregnant. I'll just lay low till she calms down enough, convince her I'm all in and safe to be with and in time we'll have a baby and I'll just make sure I don't do it with a neighbor next time.

 

I'm still with your mom on this one as you can tell.

 

I like the part where you said you asked him to think of reasons why you should work on it. It will be interesting to see what he comes up with apart from him saying he loves you.

 

I just have little tolerance for being disrespected and I'm not keeping tabs on my husband as though he's a prisoner on parole with a tag.

 

The day I have to put a GPS tracker, spy ware and ask him to send pictures in real time to verify his location, then in reality my marriage is over.

[Artie Lang]

OP, i'm gonna ask one more time... have you asked for all his passwords and to look over his phone? have you demanded a NC letter be sent to this woman outlining his terrible decision to engage in an affair with her and to stay away from now on?

 

you are being blinded by love and self-esteem issues right now. how can you be totally sure they aren't in communication while you are staying at your mothers house?

Edited August 18, 2015 by Artie Lang

[ladydesigner]

@herenorthere

 

I did move out to my mothers this morning and he did try to make me stay but I finally stood up for myself and told him how it was gonna be. We did have sex a lot while he was cheating so I am disgusted that he was inside me with her fluids on him. But as I said were both getting tested for stds and I just pray neither of us have anything. Anyways he's texting me nonstop telling me to please come home, are these crocodile tears? Possibly but maybe not. I know that I'm basically blinded with shock and depression, but you guys make it out to seem like no guy deserves a second chance. I mean everyone makes mistakes, granted his was a huge one that there no excuse for but still it IS possible that he's changed. But nevertheless I'm staying here until he's found him self so to speak. I'll keep you guys posted, God bless you all I really appreciate the help for each and every one of you!

 

I haven't read through the entirety of this thread, but just want to say kudos to you for getting out of there! Use this time to REALLY think about what you want. Many cheaters use fancy words to keep us in the M, but their actions don't speak as loudly. You are at least smart to get some distance from this.

 

Honestly if I didn't have my kids I KNOW I would have left on Dday. My kids have been my sole reason for staying since Dday1, not the love I had for my WH.

[Taylorjones]

@Artielang.

 

I have looked over his phone and asked for all usernames and passwords. On his phone were tons of messages between them, dirty messages with nude pictures ect. I was not angered by this anymore than I already was/am because I expected there to be messages. They all ended on the day before he confessed. I haven't checked his email or anything like that but I'm just gonna delete all of his email and social media accounts because 1, he's not having social media anymore because he can meet woman on there and 2 he's going to be making a new email under my guidance.

 

I stopped by the house unexpectedly today and he was by himself( I searched the whole house) listening to music. He asked me to stay home and not go back to my mothers to which I said no. Also he said that he wants us to move to get away from this neighborhood and the OW.

 

I'm actually feeling a little happy right now, he was really sincere in his words saying that he's sorry and that we're going to move once we get a little more savings. Also he said that he's going to write a NC letter to the OW. We actually went to get ice cream and he bought me a treat. I know this may look like just a show for my benefit, but he was really sincere and I just got this warm calm feeling in my heart. It's like hey maybe this guy is actually owning up to this and maybe he wants to make things right just as much as I do.

 

Anyways I'm back at moms house and I'll keep you guys updated.

[SoleMate]

Taylorjones, you are unsure what to do. You have been hearing the advice of many people who have far more experience than you do in how to address this type of issue. This advice is pure gold as it is hard-earned by each and every person giving it. I agree with all of them.......you are young, no kids. If you stay with this man, you are signing up to a married lifetime full of lies and cheating and betrayal.

 

As sandylee (and basically everyone else) notes, perhaps there are some cheaters who deserve that chance. With....extenuating circumstances....with more motivation. But not this!

 

If you had known pre-wedding that he would do this, you would not have married him (right?). So don't stay married to him. Some people are willing and able to commit to monogamy, and some aren't. Good luck!

[Artie Lang]

well, he's doing and saying all the right things right now. look, in the end it's your choice and i'm not here to dissuade you in any way. just be cautious. this is a BIG deal. don't allow him to minimize what he did.

 

have you confided in any one else other than your mother?

 

 

he's not having social media anymore because he can meet woman on there and 2 he's going to be making a new email under my guidance.

 

the thing is Taylor, do you really wanna play babysitter to a grown man for the rest of your life? i don't think this is what you signed up for, right?

 

in your opening post, you commented on who "good-looking" he was... almost as if he were out of your league. i might be wrong, but it sounds to me that this may be one of the reasons you are so eager to move past this. don't get me wrong, i know you love him and all, but you're moving pretty fast toward reconciliation without wanting to know all the facts behind his cheating.

 

 

again, it's your decision.

Edited August 19, 2015 by Artie Lang

[Taylorjones]

@artielang and everyone else

 

I know it is ultimately my decision to stay or not, but don't think for one minute I'm not listening to and considering each and every one of your comments because I am listening to and considering them all. I am not even close to making a choice yet, why does everyone think I am? I won't make a choice for months, I might move back in with him, I might start talking to him but I'm not going to actually tell him he's or no for a long time and he doesn't deserve an answer any sooner. Also just curious, even though we're both getting tested, why is it that everyone assumes he didn't use a condom? I mean I know he didn't on a couple occasions (because he told me...YUCK) but why does everyone assume this? Keep you all posted.

[CarrieT]

why is it that everyone assumes he didn't use a condom? I mean I know he didn't on a couple occasions (because he told me...YUCK) but why does everyone assume this?

For some of us that are responding to you, look at our post count or how long we have been here.

 

It speaks volumes that we have read stories like yours hundreds of times and we know the pattern of what cheaters do, why they do it, how they think, and - most importantly - how they act to try and get their spouses to return to them.

 

That is why we are trying to protect you and why there are so many who have recommended against reconciliation. He was more than blatant in his cheating pattern, hasn't shown true remorse or a willingness to change, nor given you any reason to believe he wouldn't do it again.