Mount Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 Well done girl... I did not read all posts here or your other threads, but I noticed sometimes you said you felt worthless, felt down...come on you are such fantastic and clear-headed woman, and can't you not see you are too good for that XMM anyway. You Rock! 80 days ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 New Leaf, I have read most of your thread and to be honest, while I saw anguish, hurt and pain, I didn't feel compelled to respond because I thought you had it amazingly under control and there was nothing I could offer as help. I still feel that way. You are hurt, but you are healing and you are cognizant of where you are in that process. But, I think now I can offer help. There was a time in my life when I literally could not sleep. I functioned on 2-3 hours of fitful sleep a night. It was awful and so incredibly isolating. My own private torture chamber. I sought help because I genuinely thought I was going to have a breakdown. Most people who are treated for insomnia are treated for related depression. I had done my research, taken the depression screening and knew I was not depressed. Thankfully, my doc was also a personal friend and agreed. My job was incredibly stressful and we both felt like I had some related anxiety. But, I had hormone-related GYN issues. My doc checked my hormone levels and particularly my cortisol. Off the charts. My sleep issue was related to hormonal regulation. Treatment then varies. Yes, there are hypnotics that help override the hormone surges, but the hormone levels are also treated. Within two weeks, I was sleeping again. My coping skills returned. I felt like myself. I was able to handle the job stress (I am a CEO) and I was as to start running again. It did take years for the hormone to re-regulate (and surgery as well including a hysterectomy) but I now sleep drug-free and without anxiety. My point is that you mentioned you can't sleep, have prior breast cancer and are in a stressful situation. If you feel comfortable, talk to your GP. He/she can help you figure out a treatment course that may work for you. Sleep is essential. It makes everything else doable. Good luck. You are a strong, amazing woman. You have faced incredible life challenges. You may not see it yet, but you have primarily overcome this challenge. You are amazing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 19, 2015 Author Share Posted September 19, 2015 Well done girl... I did not read all posts here or your other threads, but I noticed sometimes you said you felt worthless, felt down...come on you are such fantastic and clear-headed woman, and can't you not see you are too good for that XMM anyway. You Rock! thanks. I usually feel lonely and afraid in my personal life Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 19, 2015 Author Share Posted September 19, 2015 New Leaf, I have read most of your thread and to be honest, while I saw anguish, hurt and pain, I didn't feel compelled to respond because I thought you had it amazingly under control and there was nothing I could offer as help. I still feel that way. You are hurt, but you are healing and you are cognizant of where you are in that process. But, I think now I can offer help. There was a time in my life when I literally could not sleep. I functioned on 2-3 hours of fitful sleep a night. It was awful and so incredibly isolating. My own private torture chamber. I sought help because I genuinely thought I was going to have a breakdown. Most people who are treated for insomnia are treated for related depression. I had done my research, taken the depression screening and knew I was not depressed. Thankfully, my doc was also a personal friend and agreed. My job was incredibly stressful and we both felt like I had some related anxiety. But, I had hormone-related GYN issues. My doc checked my hormone levels and particularly my cortisol. Off the charts. My sleep issue was related to hormonal regulation. Treatment then varies. Yes, there are hypnotics that help override the hormone surges, but the hormone levels are also treated. Within two weeks, I was sleeping again. My coping skills returned. I felt like myself. I was able to handle the job stress (I am a CEO) and I was as to start running again. It did take years for the hormone to re-regulate (and surgery as well including a hysterectomy) but I now sleep drug-free and without anxiety. My point is that you mentioned you can't sleep, have prior breast cancer and are in a stressful situation. If you feel comfortable, talk to your GP. He/she can help you figure out a treatment course that may work for you. Sleep is essential. It makes everything else doable. Good luck. You are a strong, amazing woman. You have faced incredible life challenges. You may not see it yet, but you have primarily overcome this challenge. You are amazing. Thank you. I am very glad you have been able to get back to your normal sleep cycle. I don't know if you have read anything on the other boards on my posts, and I didn't mention it here, (because I didn't want the more me factor) but in total transparency I have had cancer of several types. I had one ovary removed 10 years ago, and I had hoped to have children some day. Some people here don't believe or understand that I was really leading an all business life, and in my mind although I really had "hope" and I was in love with exMM I had (in my understanding) dialled it back to friendship. I knew time was running out to have children and so in VERY late 2013 I secretly went to start having IVF without telling anyone. I was so excited and happy because I was really ready for it, I was having periods all that. They commence lots of tests. I have eggs but tons of fibroids. They tell me that I have to have the fibroids sorted so this can all succeed. No problem do it all the time. Go to hospital. Try to have the fibroids done early early 2014. It's not fibroids. Its sub mucosal uterine cancer and cervical cancer stage 3 and I have a total hysterectomy in the first quarter of 2014 and whilst I am actually on leave for 10 weeks I work from home and manage a trial and 3 court appearances. exMM knows I have cancer, not about the IVF. I have already had radiation, so cant have that again, but am on chemo and my weight gets to 8 stone which for my height is a bmi of 15. So in spite of all that. He still threw me in a well. I'm actually sad about it now to the point I actually feel like vomiting. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 Ahhh, New Leaf, we have more in common than you think. I had fibroids - real ones, not cancer. No big deal, right? I had two surgeries to attempt to preserve my fertility. My hemoglobin dropped to a 7.1 after years of iron therapy. I was literally bleeding to death. My doc wanted me to keep trying to preserve my fertility. I gave up. I couldn't do it and even he agreed that the risk of preterm labor was not worth it. When I had my hyster, my uterus was the size of a 20-week pregnancy. It was huge and I am pretty small. It screwed everything up. Five years later, I had an endometrioma show up on an ultrasound. I have had a hernia repair and an oopharectomy. Hormones suck! A few years ago, I married the love of my life. He is amazing and would have a been the most incredible dad. I always say myself with a big, noisy family. It hurts in a soul-crushing way if I let it. Like I am sure you do, I just don't let it anymore. I am alive and am finally healthy. I will not have children, but I can love my nieces and nephews and have pets. It is enough. I am so sorry for your loss. No one ever tells you that when they find out you can't have children, but it is a tremendous loss. I am so sorry for yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 19, 2015 Author Share Posted September 19, 2015 I always dreamed of a big family too. But we don't always get the life we dream of we get one, that even though we don't think it at the time works out better than the fantasy Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 20, 2015 Author Share Posted September 20, 2015 Tomorrow is a big day. I'm on the board of a company so board meeting in the morning and then suppose to have the contract signing at 2. Normally I'm not a nervous person, this is me really holding myself up for complete rejection. To be examined and chosen or thrown aside. Feels like I've been here before. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 A wise MALE friend once told me that, the only true way that a man can show a woman that he really loves and cares for her is by him sacrificing. He said that if a man does not sacrifice for you, or if you never see him sacrificing for you, then he does not love you, and has not proven that he loves you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Tomorrow is a big day. I'm on the board of a company so board meeting in the morning and then suppose to have the contract signing at 2. Normally I'm not a nervous person, this is me really holding myself up for complete rejection. To be examined and chosen or thrown aside. Feels like I've been here before. Good luck, NL. Hope you get it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 Good luck, NL. Hope you get it. zopiclone and I are going to sleep now. I'll let you know (hug) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 This is for all of you who have been such a great support to me, and believed in me and knew that the feelings I had about myself were (mostly) in my head. In preparation for the signing tomorrow I had to bring 10 references. I've been feeling pretty low, and I hadn't thought about my references in a long time. I sanitised the below to make it anon and reordered it, and this is not to be boastful, but for 80 some days I have sobbed on and off due to a broken heart, a dead dream, my stupidity, me hurting others. I read this, dated just 8 months ago and my eyes just spilled over with tears, because I remember this woman, this person. She is still in here, and someone else that owed me nothing saw things I me I didn't see in myself. More than just about this role, this helped cover some cracks in me, and I am forever grateful to My Learned Friend who wrote it. It's helped heal me. NewLeaf was one of the easiest and one of the hardest hires I evermade into the INN. I have known NewLeaf for over 17 years of her legalcareer from Junior, Barrister, and QC to her role her as a Bencher. We first met and workedtogether on extremely complex XYZ cases including Blah, Blah and later Blah,Super Blah and other large multi-nationals clients. I represented thispart and she expertly represented this and this part and more importantly the client. The easy: NewLeaf is by far one of the most competentanalytical thinkers I have ever encountered at The Firm. She showed up onday one with superior talent to root out specific issues and methodically anddirectly confront and correct those issues. She approached every taskwith a client centric, client first view that focused The Firm resources toresolve complex client actions in a true The Firm manner. The bad: When I decided I needed NewLeaf in “time frame” shewas deeply imbedded into the blah and double blah clients and was solely responsiblefor maintaining client success in many areas including settlement, litigationand arbitration. Although she wrote a comprehensive blah blah blah it wasextremely difficult for her team to lose her. The reason I first thought to bring NewLeaf into a role as abencher into this venerable Inn was her unfailing and unflagging reputationof being a person of utmost moral character and resolve. Being thefighter she is, she worked fervently for me on behalf of The Firm and The Firm'sclients to ensure an exceptional client experience and successful outcome. Her reputation throughout every division in The Firm is of the highest calibrebecause she always does what is right for the client, the people around her,and The Firm. She essentially took on the role of client advocate in theway The Firm should always do and then she modelled that behaviour for every Tenantin the Inn. NewLeaf is truly a mountain climber and even among The Firm talentshe is a giant. I would hire NewLeaf with speed and confidence for any leadershiprole from blah to blah and to jury selection to strategy and Superior Court Litigation. She represents the best of what The Firm used to be and what it should be in the future. If I never work a day in my life again, that was me once. night x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
yodelwithyu Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Sending you hugs Newleaf! I have no advice, just sympathy. Hopefully by the time I reach "good days and bad days" stage, you will have moved on to only excellent days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 im off fingers crossed 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 How did things go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 22, 2015 Author Share Posted September 22, 2015 So update: I got a verbal offer. It was supposed to be a signing meeting but all these other people needed to speak to me so the guy with the contract had gone home so I have to go back there at 3pm. It stinks 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 So update: I got a verbal offer. It was supposed to be a signing meeting but all these other people needed to speak to me so the guy with the contract had gone home so I have to go back there at 3pm. It stinks Hey. I am coming to this late but you should be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. I hope it all went well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I'm sorry you have to go back, but it's great that you got the offer. Isn't this the job you wanted? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Hurray for newleaf xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 22, 2015 Author Share Posted September 22, 2015 I'm sorry you have to go back, but it's great that you got the offer. Isn't this the job you wanted? Hi what .... Yes this is the super job. I'm in reception bricking it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 22, 2015 Author Share Posted September 22, 2015 Hurray for newleaf xx Thank you ((hug)) Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 22, 2015 Author Share Posted September 22, 2015 Good day 7.5! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 hi all 8 today. in case you missed it, I got the super role. 5 October start. I am spending this week in the gym, salon, and shopping. I am selling all the clothes I used to wear and donating the money to charity. Im super blonde so having dark lowlights put in but not changing the length. New life inside new life out side. x 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 Thanks for all the likes. If you are recovering from your A did you change your "look" when you started to be better or moving on? Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Thanks for all the likes. If you are recovering from your A did you change your "look" when you started to be better or moving on? I didn't change my look, but I did start taking better care of myself. Sleeping better and more, exercising more, meditating more, drinking less. xMM liked to have a couple cocktails when he would come over, and I would join him. I am fine with drinking, but it was too much. Also, we would stay up too late on a "school night" and now I'm getting the rest I need. I've lost a few pounds and think I look better than I have in months. I feel better, too. Also, an old "friend" will be in town for October for work. He is SINGLE and we used to date. We are looking forward to enjoying each other's company ON WEEKENDS. So I will be getting some affection, attention, and care from someone who is available, will see me when it works for me, and does not have to lie to anyone in order to spend time with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 the day I thought would never come is here have just found out from some former colleagues based in America ExLyingBastard has a new role in the company: in the ethics and compliance department I don't know if I should throw myself off the roof of my house, I have already vomited 2x, and I am in complete shock and hysterical Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts